A mockery of a draft

Sorry for the long absence, everybody.

It’s a pretty busy time of year for sportswriters and as much as I love providing all of you with cheap laughs, I tend to not get paid if I don’t write some stuff that can go in the newspaper every once in a while.

The next month or so will bring much more frequent posting in the form of MLB team previews/predictions and my live blog of the first two days of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament – my personal tribute to the last enjoyable thing that I read from Bill Simmons before teams from Boston started winning and he turned into an insufferable homer.

As for today, football season is over, but last weekend’s NFL combine gives me just enough fodder for one more pigskin-related post until late August rolls around. Using the highlights (and lowlights) that individuals posted last week along with the past trends of teams, here is my own prediction of how the first round of the draft will go down.

1. Kansas City Chiefs select Luke Joeckel (OT – Texas A&M)

Poor Kansas City. The Chiefs suck so bad that they can’t even time up the appropriate year in which to suck more than any other team in the league. Any other year, a franchise quarterback might help to ease the pain of the team selecting No. 1 overall. Instead, there are no superstars-in-wait at the top of the board for KC this year. I suppose that taking an offensive lineman is always a good way to go if you don’t have any other good options. At least they don’t command quite as much money and its easier to sweep a bust pick under the rug when he will never have to touch the ball.

2. Jacksonville Jaguars select Jarvis Jones (LB – Georgia)

Now that the Jaguars have exhausted pretty much every good idea that might have made their franchise respectable, it’s time to move on to the bad ones. That isn’t to say that Jarvis Jones isn’t a good player – or a bad guy, for that matter. But the Jags should look at the fringe benefits of the players they select. J’Ville should draft nothing but former Florida and UGA players as they are the only ones who can get people to buy a ticket for a game at EverBank Field. EVEN MORE FUN: Those players should be able to show up and play in the UGA-UF game since the late October matchup will come about a month after the Jags are eliminated from playoff contention.

3. Oakland Raiders select Terron Armstead (OL – Arkansas Pine Bluff)

Following in line with the Chiefs’ thinking that the O-line is the way to go without big-name skill position guys on the board, the Raiders will also draft a big guy. Of course, the ghost of Al Davis will manage to screw this up and the Raiders will go for Armstead, who ran the fastest 40-yard dash of any OL at the combine. The Raiders will then proceed to lose their first 15 games of 2013 before winning the season finale once finally perfecting the tackle-eligible hail mary.

4. Philadelphia Eagles select Phil Knight (Chaiman – Nike, Inc.)

I still think that the Iggles were on to something with that whole “Dream Team” thing from a couple of years ago. In professional sports these days, looking good is half of the battle. Even if you don’t win games, being able to promote yourself as the best is going to win over fans, pack stadiums, and sell merchandise. When it comes to selling image, you can’t do any better than Nike. Even if Philly is awful again, I bet that Phil Knight could at least have them looking like winners. On a side note, if we could convince the Eagles’ fan base to buy each new jersey that Nike would unveil and funnel the proceeds to Washington, D.C., this whole national debt thing would be over before the season begins.

5. Detroit Lions select Bjoern Werner (DE – Florida State)

Calvin Johnson had the best season for any wide receiver in NFL history in 2012, but the receiving yardage record is all that he’ll take away from the year since every miraculous catch and touchdown grab was negated by the Lions’ awful defense giving up points. Werner should be able to immediately improve the Lions’ pass rush. Werner’s ability to speak German fluently could also be a mitigating factor in his draft stock. He would make a great ambassador if the United States somehow manages to pawn off Detroit on some other nation.

6. Cleveland Browns select Barkevious Mingo (LB – LSU)

This one is just too easy. A talented guy named Barkevious NEEDS to end up as an idol for the Dog Pound in Cleveland. With a sophomore season QB that will be 29 next year and no All-Pro talent at running back, tight end or receiver, it looks like the Browns are selling out on defense. And – to their credit – they have built a pretty decent defensive unit in the last couple of years. Who knows? Maybe Barkevious could be the tipping point that transforms the new Browns franchise that has totally sucked since 1999 back to the glory days of the early 90s when the old Browns franchise only kind of sucked.

!!!!!TRADE ALERT!!!!!

7. New England Patriots trade Ryan Mallet to Arizona Cardinals for the No. 7 pick.

Taking advantage of the Cardinals’ horrible front office, the Patriots then trade the No. 7 pick back to Arizona for its second and third round picks, plus first round picks in 2014 and 2015. Arizona then proceeds to select Geno Smith (QB – West Virginia) because, seriously, have you seen the QB situation in Arizona? They should draft seven quarterbacks and pray that one of them is competent enough to start.

8. Buffalo Bills select Eric Fisher (OT – Central Michigan)

For all of the problems that the Bills have, there are actually some decent offensive linemen on the roster already. Still, it never hurts to plan for the future. Fisher is the only player that figures to go in the top-10 who played his college football in a state that borders Canada. With Buffalo continuing to flirt with Toronto, they’ll need some more guys who are used to those cold northern winters. Expect plenty of Mounties to be drafted in later rounds.

9. New York Jets select Damontre Moore (DE – Texas A&M)

When playing in a division that grants you four games against the Dolphins and Bills each season, having a guy who can terrorize already shaky quarterbacks can be a game-changer. Moore can certainly provide that sort of chaos on the defensive front. If nothing else, he’ll probably wind up murdering Mark Sanchez in practice and the Jets will get a nice insurance payout to help them get a better passer in 2014. Meanwhile, Radio City Music Hall will erupt with ‘S-E-C’ chants when people figure out that Texas A&M is the only team to have a pair of players drafted in the top 10. Moore – who was recruited to play in the Big XII, which is annually stocked with awful defenses – is now the gold standard since he comes from an SEC defense.

10. Tennessee Titans select Kenny Vaccaro (S – Texas)

Wait a second. Did we just go through the first 10 picks in the NFL draft without selecting a running back or a wide receiver? And now we’re even taking safeties over the RB/WR class? Wow. This is probably a smart move for the Titans though. If they were to draft a running back, Chris Johnson would be so consumed by jealousy and insecurity that he’d spend the entire offseason planning the murder of the draft pick instead of diligently working on his offseason program of diminishing his skills and not earning any of his huge contract.

11. San Diego Chargers select Mike Glennon (QB – N.C. State)

If we could figure out a way to harness the power of Phillip Rivers’ trash talking and dirty looks directed at another N.C. State quarterback being brought in to succeed him, the world would finally have that elusive source of cheap, renewable energy. The only bad news is that it will take an entire scout team’s worth of censors to make it a clean energy. But seriously, would any of you be surprised if Glennon got into a game and Rivers ran onto the field to try and knock down his passes? He’d probably sprint to the opponents’ sideline and spend the rest of the game deciphering signals coming in from the Chargers’ bench.

12. Miami Dolphins select Dan Marino (QB – Pittsburgh)

Don’t you tell me for one second that Marino couldn’t walk on the field today and do better than any of the sacks of crap that Miami has trotted into the huddle for the better part of the last two decades. If Mario declines, they should at least offer a contract to Snowflake to get three points on the rare occasions that Tannehil gets the Dolphiins into scoring position.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Dee Milliner (CB – Alabama)

The Buccaneers swung and missed with Aquib Talib the last time they went for a defensive back in the first round, but Milliner looks like a much better bet. Unfortunately for the Bucs, New England will realize how well Talib worked out for them in 2012 after Tampa cut him loose. The Patriots will figure out a way to get Milliner and hoard a few more late-round draft picks while giving up just a scout team player and an intern that once put too much mayo on Bill Belichick’s sandwich.

14. Carolina Panthers select Sheldon Richardson (DT – Missouri)

I think that this will end up being a bad pick for the Panthers. Sure, they need a little help in the middle of their D-line, but they don’t need it badly enough to waste a first round pick on a defensive tackle. They play in a division with the Falcons, Buccaneers and Saints – three teams that will probably run between the guards a combined five times all of next season. Richardson could be good for team morale though. With a 40 time of just 5.02 seconds, Cam Newton should feel great about routinely seeing an NFL defender that he can actually run away from.

!!!!!TRADE ALERT!!!!!

15. New England Patriots select Dion Jordan (DE – Oregon)

This isn’t really a trade. The Saints are slotted to pick 15^th, but they’ll work out a deal to have someone else select Jordan for them just in case Roger Goodell is feeling grumpy on draft day and decides to throw more punishment at New Orleans. Immediately after the selection, the Patriots will release Jordan to the Saints. For going through all of that trouble, New England will take four late round draft picks off the Saints’ hands.

16. St. Louis Rams select Chance Warmack (OG – Alabama)

If we were still in the 1980s, the Rams’ progression over the last few seasons would be commendable. They were beyond god-awful five years ago, managed to get a decent quarterback in Sam Bradford (who then got hurt, leading to more god-awfulness, but also more high draft picks), and have since added a piece or two each season to make them borderline respectable. Unfortunately, this isn’t the old NFL where good teams take forever to build and can be held onto forever once assembled. It’s no big deal for a team to win just a few games one year and contend for a division or conference title just two or three years later. The Rams have done plenty of the former, but little of the latter. At least having a good offensive lineman will be a nice retirement present for Steven Jackson.

17. Pittsburgh Steelers select English Gardner (sprinter – Oregon)

Winning a Super Bowl is one thing. Staying motivated enough to win multiple titles is an entirely different matter. The addition of Gardner would serve as a perfect metaphor for the Steelers’ quest to get back to the top. As an attractive college junior, there is no doubt the Roethlisberger will be all over her. Too bad for him that she is the defending women’s national champion in the 100-yard dash – clocking in at just over 11 seconds. If Big Ben can figure out a way to track down that goal, another ring should be child’s play.

18. Dallas Cowboys select Star Lotuleilei (DT – Utah)

Always in the pursuit of extending the Cowboys’ brand, why wouldn’t Jerry Jones draft a guy named Star? It’s a great chance to reset Dallas’s legacy after countless disappointments in recent years. For Cowboys fans, it has to be a chilling thought to know that Lotuleilei has only seen one Cowboys playoff victory in his life. And that only leads to more questions. ‘Star’ probably isn’t an homage to Dallas since it hasn’t been much of a franchise for 20 years, which makes it just a really, really stupid name.

19. New York Giants select a roof for their stadium

The impending Super Bowl in New Jersey (note to Goodell: no matter how religiously you avoid saying ‘New Jersey’ and how much you tout NYC as a great atmosphere for a Super Bowl, THIS GAME IS GOING TO BE IN NEW JERSEY) has been drawing criticism since about five seconds after the location was announced two years ago. The seemingly never-ending bombardment of nor’easters hitting the east coast this winter is only making things worse. What is going to happen if two feet of snow gets dumped on MetLife Stadium a few days before the game and we play a white-out Super Bowl in a half empty stadium? Then again, the NFL has become so integral to the American way of life that they could care less. They could bar people from attending the Super Bowl at all and charge $500 to watch it on pay-per-view and still get a billion viewers. Getting back to the Giants, that roof will probably kill their salary cap. Luckily, the Patriots will come by and take 2^nd-7^th round picks off of New York’s hands since they can’t afford them.

20. Chicago Bears select Alec Ogletree (ILB – Georgia)

As sad as it is for Bears fans to admit, Brian Urlacher is pretty far past his prime and probably pretty close to the end of his NFL career. But he can give Chicago one final boost by being a mentor to his eventual replacement. For years, Urlacher headed up one of the best defenses of this generation and frequently made the Bears respectable despite a total lack of – and apparent indifference to – offense. Ogletree would probably be a great fit in the Windy City. Sure, he’s prone to a little drunk and disorderly conduct, but if he stays close to Jay Cutler when out at the bars, he’ll look like a saint by comparison.

21. Cincinnati Bengals select John Cyprien (S – Florida International)

The Bengals might not be able to figure out how to get past the Wild Card round of the playoffs – or the Houston Texans, for that matter – but there is no doubting Cincy’s dominance at the top of the police blotter. The Bengals easily lead the rest of the league in arrests since the 2000 season and extended their advantage last month when Andre Smith tried to get a gun through airport security. But I credit the Bengals for refusing to rest on their laurels. Cyprien doesn’t have a rap sheet, but anyone playing for a team that once had 18 players suspended for an in-game brawl must have a lot of potential. And that’s what drafts are all about, right?

22. St. Louis Rams select Keenan Allen (WR – California)

It might take 22 picks (about 17 ½ hours in NFL Draft real-time) but a wide receiver should go in the first round. Allen could finally give Sam Bradford more than one or two downfield options, which would give Bradford a better chance to live up to his potential. Of course, the Rams will have to work a little bit to keep all of their receiving options. Always looking to corner the market on scrappy white guys, New England might try to trade for Danny Amendola. In the end, the Rams will give the Pats a few late round draft picks just to shut up and leave them alone.

23. Minnesota Vikings select D.J. Fluker (OT – Alabama)

Normally, putting another talented offensive lineman in front of MVP and football-modified T-1000 Adrian Peterson would be considered unsporting. Unfortunately for the Vikings, they continue to do absolutely nothing well aside from handing Peterson the ball. Too bad this isn’t the NCAA. At the collegiate level, you can sell out on a niche scheme and dominate that aspect of the game so thoroughly that other shortcomings don’t matter. That doesn’t fly in the NFL. Minnesota probably won’t be a playoff team next season anyways, so I would appreciate it if they at least continue to improve the one watchable aspect of their game.

24. Indianapolis Colts select Zach Ertz (TE – Stanford)

I know that Russell Wilson went a little farther in the playoffs, but Andrew Luck was nothing short of amazing in his rookie season. He took an absolute dumpster fire that addend nothing but draft picks heading into 2012 and turned the Colts into a 12-win team. Not to get too far ahead of things, but even Peyton Manning had a year or two of futility in Indy before getting things rolling. So much of Luck’s play seemed to mirror that of his awesome college career at Stanford, right down to using Coby Fleener as a primary option. Adding another former Stanford tight end might seem like overkill, but Luck dominated with few receivers or running backs in college. Imagine what he could do with the same TE corps, plus Reggie Wayne and Austin Collie.

25. Seattle Seahawks select Eminem (rapper – Detroit)

The Seahawks seem to be pretty set moving towards the 2013 season. Seattle entered last year as a young team whose best years were supposed to be a few seasons down the road. Instead, they played all of their cards right – including starting Russell Wilson over highly-touted free agent Matt Flynn – and came within seconds of playing for the NFC Championship. Aside from Wilson’s emergence, there were few more entertaining storylines in Seattle than Richard Sherman and his shut-down abilities at cornerback. The only thing better than his defense was his incessant trash-talking. Rookies and future Hall of Famers alike got an earful from Sherman, who always managed to back up his talk with his play. His twitter outbursts were a little rough around the edges, but an offseason spent rap-battling Slim Shady should make him an unstoppable entertainment force next season. Also, Tom Brady – who fell victim to one of Sherman’s more publicized bits of trash talk last year – will complain about his feelings being hurt until the league awards Seattle’s fifth and seventh round picks to the Patriots.

26. Green Bay Packers select Cordarelle Patterson (WR – Tennessee)

The Cheeseheads have one of the most dangerous weapons in the league in Aaron Rodgers. Losing Donald Driver to retirement will be a bit of a hit (even though he was just a shadow of his former self, he was still a veteran leader), but that only opens up a hole to get even better at receiver. Patterson averaged almost 17 yards per reception last season and has been projected as an NFL contributor since his days as a 5-star recruit in high school. The biggest knock on him are the two years he first had to spend at a JUCO (read: too dumb to get into school anywhere), but Green Bay is the perfect spot for socially or intellectually challenged pros. The town is small enough to just hide from everyone if you want to, but the fans are also crazy enough to look the other way on everything so long as you haul in touchdowns. It would be like he never left an SEC fanbase!!!

27. Houston Texans select Robert Woods (WR – USC)

Maybe getting another big receiving threat to keep double teams off of Andre Johnson will be the thing that finally gets Houston to an AFC Championship game. The Texans took their sweet time turning into a good team, not notching a winning record or a playoff appearance in their first nine seasons, but they are a shining example of how history repeats itself. For the better part of the 70s and 80s, the Houston Oilers were the same team that the Texans have been for the last couple of years. Even with stars like Earl Campbell and Warren Moon, the Oilers never got over the hump. They racked up division titles and AFC Championship appearances, but never made the Super Bowl.

!!!!!TRADE ALERT!!!!

28. Denver trades every Broncos fan who won’t shut up about Tebow for a jumbotron that only ever displays a 50-foot tall image of Peyton Manning

I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed in some Denver Broncos fans last season. I can understand that many of them got a little wrapped up in Tebow-mania two seasons ago. That was perfectly understandable. Who doesn’t want to make their team out to be a little bit better than it probably was? But anyone bringing up the fact that Tebow has a playoff win with the Broncos while Peyton does not should be sent on a one-way trip to whatever town in the U.S. is farthest from an NFL franchise (I’m going to guess somewhere in Montana). These people are either stupid or picking the worst possible topic to argue just for the sake of being contrarian. For Denver, it would be worth missing out on a few million dollars per home game worth of lost fans to raise the collective football IQ of the stadium ten-fold.

29. New England Patriots select Sully McDowell (payroll expert – Boston College)

The Patriots will want to draft a lineman or something. But upon looking at their draft board, they’ll realize that – through doing nothing but trading down and stockpiling dozens of draft picks each season for the last decade – they technically hold the rights to every player in the league. Despite this seemingly huge advantage, New England will still find a way to flame out in the postseason.

30. Atlanta Falcons select Tyler Eifert (TE – Notre Dame)

If not for a chronic case of blowing huge first half leads, the Falcons could have easily won the Super Bowl. Despite some obvious defensive issues that will have to be addressed to keep that from happening again, Atlanta will likely be more concerned with replacing All-World tight end Tony Gonzalez, who is likely to retire this summer. The Falcons have built an absurd offense that features a top-10 quarterback in Matt Ryan, game-changing receivers in Roddy White and Julio Jones, and Jaquizz Rodgers, who impressed at running back in his rookie season. Eifert would be an ideal fit as his blocking would help an average offensive line and his soft hands and downfield receiving ability can make him a matchup nightmare. Things would go great with Eifert for a few weeks, but would eventually deteriorate when Atlanta fans figure out that he’s from Notre Dame and boo him off the field for no good reason.

31. San Francisco 48ers select Jonathan Cooper (C/OG – North Carolina)

A magical season ended in heartbreak for the 49ers as they came up just a few yards short of a Super Bowl title. San Francisco did almost everything right all season long and were one of the most balanced teams in the league. They won with defense, with running, with two different quarterbacks and with thrilling comebacks. But in the end, a well-timed blitz sent the 49ers’ last chance at a championship ring sailing harmlessly out of the end zone. San Francisco is set for another good run next season and there is no reason to think that it shouldn’t be a Super Bowl favorite. They don’t need much help or improvement, but if Cooper could see a blitz coming and get in the way for two seconds, it could make all of the difference for San Francisco.

32. Baltimore Ravens do not select anyone

The Ravens really wanted to draft someone to help support their quickly aging defense, but Ray Lewis wouldn’t let them near the microphone to announce the pick as he was in his 3,956^th hour of praising Jesus for single-handedly winning the Super Bowl for the Ravens.