USELESS Poll: Preseason

Hello there, football lovers, blog devotees and random strangers who have gotten lost on the Internet. Welcome to another exciting season of this blog’s most popular feature – a weekly college football poll based only partially on merit while also considering other important factors such as ease of making fun of a school or a program’s reputation for having co-eds that … uh… like to show their school spirit when the TV cameras catch them.

The name of this weekly amalgamation of all that is good in college football is the USELESS Poll, as we’re constantly Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions in order to find the top 25 teams in the nation each week.

As much as we enjoy stirring the pot with our hasty research and frivolous penalties during the season, there’s no time like the preseason to really get fan bases fired up. Think your team is a title contender? Then why did they miss both of their passes in the 45 seconds that I saw of their fall practice in a SportsCenter look-in? No clue why there’s an irrelevant school listed? Well maybe you’d give out extra credit too if that team’s quarterback started following you on Twitter.

Projections will be made. In about three months, there will be plenty of gloating as well as plenty of embarrassment when we look back on our initial prognostication. Only one thing is certain, after over a decade of hard work to finally eradicate the BCS, we’ll all be ready to kill the four-team playoff selection committee for leaving someone out.

And so, without further ado, your first look at how 2014 stacks up:

1. Florida State (Last year: 14-0, national champions) – One of the few hard-and-fast rules of the USELESS Poll is that the reigning champ stays on top of the mountain until someone takes them out. The Seminoles could have lost all 22 starters, and they’d still retain the No. 1 slot in the poll. No one can even think about taking the Noles’ ranking until someone stops their winning streak. That could come sooner rather than later as a good Oklahoma State squad awaits FSU in the season opener at JerryWorld, but a win there should send the Seminoles well into October before they see another team with enough talent to have an upset on its mind.

2. Oregon (Last year: 11-2, won Alamo Bowl) – As we learned last year, even a stellar season isn’t enough to win the Heisman if you already have one on your mantle (dorm rooms have mantles, right? Probably right next to the freezer where you store all of your crab legs). There is no reason that Jameis Winston – armed with plenty of complimentary weapons – can’t continue to put up offensive numbers that can best be described as stupid. But Johnny Football did much of the same last year and was basically an also-ran. Oregon’s Marcus Mariota burst onto the scene two years ago as a freshman and had another great season in 2013. Now that we’ve had our fill of freshmen Heisman winners, it might be time for a guy with a proven track record to put up a third consecutive great season and be rewarded for it.

3. Alabama (Last year11-2, lost Sugar Bowl) – There are plenty of people who are projecting the Crimson Tide to play for a national championship. That seems reasonable as two years now feels like a long time to wait between crystal footballs making their way to Tuscaloosa. Bama didn’t quite crack the initial top-2 due in large part to inexperience under center. For all the talent that Alabama has to burn on both sides of the ball, you just can’t put a price on quarterback experience. For all we know, whoever takes the reins for the Tide might lead them to a few titles. But Winston and Mariota are known quantities, so they get the nod.

4. Ohio State (Last year: 12-2, lost Orange Bowl) – Clocking in at No. 4 is Alabama-North. The Buckeyes – much like the Tide – entered last season with lofty expectations. The title dreams for both were still alive and well in late November as Bama won its first 11 games and OSU ran through the regular season without a setback. But both fell victims to bitter rivals as Auburn broke Bama’s heart in the final seconds of the Iron Bowl and Michigan State took out the Buckeyes in the Big Ten championship game. Solid skill position players and a great defensive front seven will make the Buckeyes favorites to get back to the conference title game. Come to think of it, maybe OSU should have jumped Bama due to the return of senior starting QB Braxton Miller… Meh. The hell with it. It’s a long season and we can always adjust after Week 1.

5. UCLA (Last year: 10-3, won Sun Bowl) – When we ran our preseason poll last season, we predicted good things for the Bruins. While no one thought they’d get the better of Oregon or Stanford (and they certainly didn’t), the Bruins used a young and talented squad to post double-digit wins. This time around, UCLA could take it one step farther. While the Pac-12 South will be tougher this time around and both Oregon and Stanford remain on the crossover games, the Bruins’ only road trips come against teams that don’t figure to be any sort of threat to win the conference. If the Bruins can find a way to win one – or both – games against the powers from the North, another impressive win total and a possible crack at the Pac-12 title game could be in the cards.

6. Oklahoma (Last year: 11-2, won Sugar Bowl) – As has become ritual for OU over the last decade or so, the Sooners started last year with a good ranking, lost a few tough ones while underwhelming onlookers in wins, and was never a big factor in national title talk. There’s no doubting that the Sooners have the talent to be a top-10 (or possibly better) squad, but what really gives them a boost heading into 2014 is their total dismantling of Alabama in January’s Sugar Bowl. That win really showcased Oklahoma’s potential. The question – as always – is whether or not the Sooners can turn potential into performance.

7. Auburn (Last year: 13-1, lost in national championship) – What a difference a year makes. For Auburn haters, you can at least say that the Tigers are still just 8-9 in their last two seasons’ worth of SEC games. That’s about where the insults will have to stop as Auburn returns 14 starters and is still stacked at nearly every position. A No. 7 ranking might actually seem a little low until you remember that – despite the aforementioned talent – Auburn needed a nonstop parade of rabbits feet and four-leaf clovers to get to the national title game last season. The Tigers have championship talent, but you have to assume that they’re owed a bad beat or two.

8. South Carolina (Last year: 11-2, won Capital One Bowl) – In a year where so much of the SEC is trying to replace multi-year starting quarterbacks, Steve Spurrier is the coach you want to have on your side. Sure, Dylan Thompson wasn’t technically a starter last season, but Spurrier’s short leash with quarterbacks – and Connor Shaw’s propensity to get knocked out of every other game – has Thompson walking into a familiar role armed with plenty of support. The Gamecocks’ fate could easily be sealed three weeks into the season when they host Georgia. With a win over the Bulldogs, even a potential loss at Auburn would still have Carolina as favorites to go to the conference championship game.

9. Baylor (Last year: 11-2, won Fiesta Bowl) – If you look back through the years, you’ll find that one of the toughest things to do in all of sports is to become a perennial powerhouse in college football after first being a cellar-dweller. Now, a decent stretch of play isn’t quite ‘perennial powerhouse’, but it’s a start for the Bears, who previously spent most of the last 30 or so years getting the crap kicked out of them by the rest of the lower Midwest. There have been Cinderella seasons in the past and teams like Boise State and TCU have even put together multiple major bowl runs, but fell into subsequent lulls. Baylor should return the same offensive success that led the country in most categories last season. Even a trip to the national championship playoff wouldn’t cement Baylor as a football factory, but with each win, those 10-loss seasons of the not-so-distant past are becoming less of a memory.

10. Conference Television Networks (Last year: made money, hand-over-fist) – It’s getting to the point where some collegiate athletic departments are starting to rival small nations in terms of GDP. The top 10 percent of FBS schools are near (or long past) $100 million in revenues each year. That’s better than many regional companies and chains. Not content to dominate at retail stores and at the bargaining table for showcase television games early in the season, these schools are now spearheading their conference’s efforts to create their own television networks. Not only will this bring in even more advertising and media contract dollars, but the branding potential is off the charts when you only have to share screen time with a handful of your rivals. It might sound strange to say that a network showing the early rounds of a conference volleyball tournament during primetime on a weeknight is stupid, but if you’re rich enough to profit off of the circlejerk that conference networks have already become, you’d be all for it.

11. Georgia (Last year: 8-5, lost in Gator Bowl) – The Bulldogs seem primed to continue their schizophrenic ways in 2014. Last season, UGA’s offense was hard to contain, but its defense’s primary strategy consisted of hoping that opponents ran out of breath from flying up and down the field constantly. The defense should be much improved this time around, but now the Bulldogs must replace most of their offensive line and four-year starting quarterback A.J. Murray. The last time UGA lost that kind of stability under center, it just barely qualified for a bowl and notched a losing season. But hey, defense wins championships, right? Plus, the latest bulldog mascot has been alive for over a year. Optimism all around!

12. Michigan State (Last year: 13-1, won Rose Bowl) – Once the dust had settled on the 2013 season, it wouldn’t have been the craziest theory to spout off if you had said that Michigan State may have been the best team in the country. Sparty managed to run into Notre Dame in one of the few good efforts they gave last year, but then finished the season with 10 consecutive wins – including knocking Ohio State out of an assumed slot in the NC game and outlasting Stanford in the Rose Bowl. The Spartans’ defense could be one of the best in the nation and both Connor Cook and Jeremy Langford return to the offense. Unfortunately, MSU might have to contend with another early loss. Sparty travels to Oregon in Week 2. The winner will get an early head start on the national title talk while the loser will spend three months playing catch-up.

13. LSU (Last year: 10-3, won Outback Bowl) – If Alabama can’t break in a new quarterback and Auburn can’t effectively run pinball/hail mary pass plays, the Tigers could easily become a dark horse to win the SEC. The Bayou Bengals begin the season with a tough test against Wisconsin in Houston, but then don’t have to leave home until an Oct. 4 showdown at Auburn. All of those consecutive home games can’t be good for the grounds crew at Death Valley. Sure, they can probably get the surface ready for 300-pound wrecking balls storming around for three hours per week, but it has to be hell keeping the grass growing on the LSU sideline with Les Miles grazing for a month straight. Come to think of it, that opener could be a real trap game if The Hat doesn’t realize that Reliant Stadium has FieldTurf and has to get his stomach pumped at halftime.

14. USC (Last year: 10-4, won Las Vegas Bowl) – At long last, we could finally be headed towards an end-of-season clash between USC and UCLA where one of the teams doesn’t have to settle simply for playing spoiler. Both teams have every reason to believe that their rivalry game might be the last victory needed to secure a spot in the Pac-12 title game and, possibly, punch a ticket into the national semifinals. The only thing better than watching intense rivals go at it is seeing it happen when both have huge season accomplishments hanging in the balance. It also doesn’t hurt that this might be the best looking rivalry game in college football. It doesn’t get much better than seeing powder blue and gold unis clash with cardinal and a different shade of gold. When it’s 75 in late November in Los Angeles for your setting, well… that helps a lot, too.

15. Central Florida (Last year: 12-1, won Fiesta Bowl) – In a year where no Cinderella teams were able to charm their way into a BCS bowl, the Golden Knights valiantly played the role by pretending that the AAC wasn’t a conference with a BCS auto-bid (which wasn’t that hard to do. Seriously. You didn’t even have to squint your eyes or anything.). Upon winning the league, UCF also took down Baylor in its bowl game. We really have to hand it to the BCS. Even in its last year, it went down showing its laughably see-through hatred of any program that isn’t a perennial top-20 power. Fresh out of Bosies and TCUs to pit against each other so that neither could accidentally knock off a traditional power in a big game, the BCS threw the two least popular power conference winners together. Way to go, BCS. If you’re going to play the heel, you have to play it hard.

16. Marshall (Last year: 10-4, won Military Bowl) – While there are no computers to get past for lower conference teams from here on out, there will still be the sizable hurdle of the selection committee that will decide the four semifinalist. We’re assuming that the committee is made up of Condaleeza Rice, a bunch of power conference shmucks, and probably a guest appearance by a random Kardashian looking to open up her popularity to a new demographic. Anyways, Marshall seems like a potential party crasher this season. We’ll be honest, the Thundering Herd (easily a top-10 nickname in the country) probably doesn’t have the talent of a few other smaller conference teams, but their laughably easy schedule gives them the easiest road to 12-0, which is the only record that will get a team of their ilk anywhere near a national semifinal discussion. We honestly can’t even come up with a potential pitfall game to ruin Marshall’s run at perfection. Let’s go with Southern Miss. It’s a road game in rural Mississippi, so there’s an outside chance that the Herd might not be able to find the place.

17. Wisconsin(Last year: 9-4, lost Capital One Bowl) – Down south here at USELESS headquarters, Big Ten teams catch a lot of flack. They might not have too much to brag about in the way of big bowl wins recently, but we will give them this; the same slow and plodding style that others love to make fun of allows even the best Big Ten teams to rarely miss a beat when coaches skip town. Bret Bielema was thought of highly enough to be courted by the almighty SEC, and yet the team he left behind continues to churn out wins. ‘Sconsin will once again feature a devastating power game that – if the defense holds – could threaten the top of plenty of polls before the season is through. But Wisconsin really needs to make one more big splash to really put itself on the scene. We humbly suggest a change to the mascot. There’s nothing inherently wrong with Bucky the Badger, but his goofy head and calm demeanor only serve to further embed the boringness of the program. Maybe have Bucky put a knife in Brutus Buckeye and people will start to notice Wisconsin.

18. North Carolina (Last year: 7-6, won Belk Bowl) – The ACC finally took a step towards redemption last season as its horrible record in BCS bowls was answered by a win in the national title game that also put an end to the wretched tyranny of the SEC. Many have already disregarded Florida State’s win as a one-off anomaly, but North Carolina could be ready to join the Seminoles at the big boy party this season. UNC returns plenty of weapons and a light OOC schedule should keep the win total high. Personally, we’re hoping that the Heels can continue on their state’s football success from last season. How great would it be to see a Duke-UNC showdown to determine who plays for a conference championship? Start setting up the fall edition of Krzyzewskiville.

19. Get Rich Quick Schemes (Last year: sent at least one percent of participants into top tax bracket) – Over the next few weeks, thousands upon thousands of college students will be returning to school. In all our years of observation of this truly unique subset of the human species, we’ve come to two absolute conclusions. 1) College kids are mostly lacking in common sense and forward thinking. 2) In order to compensate for that first characteristic, they’ll usually take the easiest route out of whatever predicament they get into. So, go out to the Wal-Mart at your nearest college town. Buy up all the shower rods, laundry baskets, garbage cans, and whatever other household necessities a 20-year old won’t think of until he/she needs them. Then go set up shop at the dorms and apartments to sell your stash at insane markups. You’re welcome. See you at the yacht club.

20. Boise State (Last year: 8-5, lost Hawaii Bowl) – Detractors of non power conference teams surely loved the Broncos’ struggles last season, but anyone feeding off of that narrative just isn’t paying attention to history. Boise’s mediocre 2013 marked just the second time in 11 years that the team hadn’t achieved double-digit wins. Boise seems primed to bounce back this season as plenty of weapons return on both sides of the ball. But let’s be honest… The vast majority of people will choose to follow or forget BSU following their first game of the season. If the Broncos can invade the Georgia Dome and beat Ole Miss, it’ll be just like old times. If not, the Broncs could go 11-0 the rest of the way and still have to hear flak about not being a legitimate power.

21. Notre Dame (Last year; 9-4, won Pinstripe Bowl) – We’re so, so happy that there’s no such thing as a schadenfreude-boner. The collective result from Notre Dame having a great quarterback suspended due to academic impropriety would have sent thousands upon thousands to their spam email folder to buy shady pills just to keep the party going. Unfortunately for them, Everett Golson is back and has already reclaimed his starting role. Even without a viable passing threat, the Golden Domers managed to win nine games last season. This time around, the schedule appears too tough for even Golson to lead the Irish into championship contention. Then again, if ND can find a way to beat Sanford and USC – and maybe not get embarrassed by Florida State – the rest of the schedule is soft enough for another unlikely run to the higher reaches of the poll.

22. Clemson (Last year: 11-2, won Orange Bowl) – If Clemson wants to remain Florida State’s biggest challenge within the ACC, it will probably have to go about getting its wins differently. Even in a below-average conference, you can’t just lose a three-year starting quarterback and an All-American wide receiver from a spread offense and come out smelling great on the other side. Until the Tigers figure out how they’re going to put up points, it’s going to be up to the eight returning starters on defense to hold the line and keep the wins coming. Even if Clemson isn’t a dark horse to reach the elite level like it was last year, it’s still hard to see any other ACC teams passing them by. With that in mind, the Tigers’ postseason hopes will likely be determined in the same fashion as last season – a mid-September game against division rival Florida State.

23. Mississippi (Last year: 8-5, won Music City Bowl) – The good news for the Rebels is that they’re coming off of (arguably) their two best recruiting years in school history. Even better is that most of those highly touted guys are proving their worth once they get to college. Unfortunately, there’s still the matter of sharing a division with three schools that have combined to win six of the last 11 national championships. Of the three-headed monster of Alabama, Auburn and LSU that lay ahead in division play, only the LSU game is on the road. Still, it’s pretty hard to see the Rebs winning any more than one of those and getting themselves into the SEC title discussion.

24. Stanford (Last year: 11-3, lost Rose Bowl) – This season, the Cardinal are going to rely on a smart quarterback, a good defense, a veteran and powerful offensive line, and a relentless running game… Wait. Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. We’re starting to wonder if opposing coaches even ask for game tape on Stanford anymore. They haven’t changed their basic game plan in a decade and the craziest thing they do is maybe run it outside of the tackle box once or twice each game. So as boring as that is, there’s still something to be said for the fact that the Cardinal have parlayed that kind of scheme into four straight seasons of 11 or more wins. A very, very good Pac-12 might put that streak in jeopardy, but – regardless of preparation techniques – opponents still aren’t going to be thrilled during Stanford week.

25. Northwestern (Last year: 5-7, did not make a bowl) – Rounding out the first USELESS Poll of the season is one team that didn’t make it to last year’s postseason. That record wasn’t pretty, but do you remember where the Wildcats were at one point. Here’s a refresher – Northwestern was 4-0 and led No. 2 Ohio State with less than three minutes to play. After that, the wheels fell off. OSU came back to win and the Wildcats lost their next six games – four of them by less than a touchdown. Northwestern returns 17 starters, including Veneric Mark, whose injuries keyed the tailspin of last season. It will be tough for NW to overcome Wisconsin in their division, but with a crossover Big Ten schedule that avoids both Ohio State and Michigan State, the Wildcats are set up for a Cinderella run.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Texas, Washington

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Florida, Iowa, Michigan

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of these rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.