After a long hibernation that has suspiciously covered nearly the same stretch as the amount of time my oldest child has been traipsing about the world, it is time for the USELESS Poll to reemerge like so many bears, cicadas, or Georgia fans whose impending bout with cirrhosis was curtailed just in time by that national title.
For those just tuning in, this is yet another weekly college football poll published for mass consumption. However, we do things a bit differently when handing out rankings each week. The namesake of the poll is derived from our particular method of madness, as we ‘Undermine Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions.’
Don’t let the SAT words scare you. To put it more simply, the USELESS Poll generally tries to identify the best teams on a week-to-week basis. And while win-loss records and ability to make the playoff weigh heavily into the math, we also consider things such as entertaining scandals, Playboy top party school lists, program insiders willing to slide us valuable betting information and other things of that sort.
That should cover all the basics. Everything will become clear as the season carries on. So let’s jump into the starting blocks and see how the 2022 season is lining up.
Georgia (Last Year - 14-1, won national championship)
For new readers, there are very few rules that govern the rhyme or reason for the rankings in any given week. However, one rule that stands hard and fast is the Ric Flair Rule… To be the man, you gotta beat the man. Georgia could win its first few games in nail-biters (unlikely). It could bench Stetson Bennett (possible). It could suspend two-thirds of its team for a game due to offseason shenanigans (pretty much an annual occurrence). But as reigning national champs, the Bulldogs stay on top until someone beats them.
Ohio State (Last Year - 12-2, won Rose Bowl)
The Buckeyes saw their title hopes end in the most brutal way possible last season as they were ousted from playoff contention by archrival Michigan. Not only did Michigan finally win one against “that team down south,” but it did so in dominating fashion and scooped up OSU’s prospective playoff ticket to boot. But Ohio State likely qualifies as this season’s top candidate for reloading rather than rebuilding. And regardless of how the entire season plays out, the Michigan game should be interesting. Ohio State is going to try and turn the regular season finale into the latest John Wick sequel.
Alabama (Last Year - 13-2, national runners-up)
Speaking of teams seeking some vengeance this season, it can only be assumed that Nick Saban hasn’t slept more than 15 consecutive minutes since dropping the national title game to Georgia last January. But in case anyone felt even the tiniest bit of sympathy for Saban and the Crimson Tide, just remember that last year was considered a “rebuilding year” by many and that said rebuilding year got them within 30 minutes of another championship and will set them up with a returning Heisman-winning quarterback and, arguably, the best defensive player in the nation. But none of this will matter for teams in ‘Bama’s way. Saban is seeing red and will win by 50+ at every opportunity.
A general feeling of malaise (Undefeated since outbreak of COVID)
The previous year assessment mentions COVID, but this fast-rising theme in the poll has been around for the better part of a decade. Despite the move from the BCS to a national playoff, the last few years have begun with just a few teams that anyone could even imagine winning the national championship. And - without fail - that’s what has come to pass. Each year seems to bring about a new dark horse, but it continues to be the same two or three teams left standing that were predicted to be there half a year prior. Are there some very, VERY good teams out there this season? Yes. Does anyone really think that anyone other than the top-3 listed above will actually win?.... Malaise.
Clemson (Last Year - 10-3, won Cheez-It Bowl)
Piggybacking upon the No. 4 entry, has any team ever been so much better than 95 percent of its competition while being so entirely written off as the 2021 Clemson Tigers? Clemson spent half a decade at the very height of the mountaintop, but last season saw them all but ridiculed and mocked for having the audacity to not field a third or fourth consecutive once-in-a-generation QB to keep the train moving. If we were rating units like a video game, Clemson would have B+’s and A’s across the board… and that’s enough for a really good also-ran nowadays.
Notre Dame (Last Year - 11-2, lost Fiesta Bowl)
If there’s one thing that truly signals the beginning of the college football season, it’s the nationwide cry emanating from parts high and low that “Notre Dame is overrated.” On one hand, it’s hard not to buy into that logic. In just about every high-profile game in which they’ve competed for a decade, the Irish have stubbed their toe… then bashed their head… then inadvertently set themselves ablaze… then fallen off of a cliff, Wile E. Coyote style, complete with whistles, thuds and a soft puff of smoke. But the thing is, for all the ridicule and shame, it’s hard to find a program more deserving to get its skull cracked by the Alabamas, UGAs and Clemsons of the world. The Irish keep winning 11+ games and do it against a consistently tough schedule. If anyone is to blame, it’s not the pollsters. It’s the Irish for refusing to lose much right until the lights shine brightest.
Michigan (Last Year - 12-2, national semifinalist)
After half a decade of wondering if/when Jim Harbaugh could actually get his alma mater over the hump, Michigan finally made its first ever College Football Playoff appearance. The Wolverines even beat - read: stomped a mudhole into - Ohio State to end a long drought. A long, doubt-filled journey including practice trips abroad, countless gallons of whole milk and approximately $73 worth of WalMart khakis got Michigan to where they can see the top of the mountain. But it will take even more if Big Blue thinks it can claim a national title.
Oklahoma (Last Year - 11-2, won Alamo Bowl)
Coaching/administrative logic states that, when making a change at the top, it’s usually most effective to aim for a change in pace. A hard-line coach might be replaced by a more laid back guy. A micromanager might give way to someone who consults with players and assistants to get the right feel. In the Sooners’ case, they’re trading the flashy offense of Lincoln Riley and his multiple Heisman-winning quarterbacks for Brent Venables and the one guy who has made Alabama’s offense look shaky and slogging over the last five seasons. The Sooners might not dent the playoff picture, but they’ll hit some people really hard. Once they do that to the ball carrier - and before the whistle - in a few years, they could easily end up back on top.
Miami (Last Year - 7-5, no bowl game)
The Hurricanes have shown some signs of life at times over the last few years, but in each instance, the team cranked out wins while trying to ignore the looming threat of never having a quarterback that could turn losses into wins on his own. Miami seems to have finally solved that part of the equation as Tyler Van Dyke has clearly shown himself to be both the best the ‘Canes have and an All-ACC calibur talent. Miami doesn’t quite have the firepower to compete with the best of the best, but they should have a seat at the head table as college football continues to change. If we’re heading to a bigger playoff with cash and controversy and players flying around from team to team, we’re going to need a program to wear the black hat. And there is no school more perfectly positioned to excel in all of those aspects than Miami.
Texas (Last Year - 5-7, no bowl game)
Possibly our most controversial preseason pick. Not only did the Longhorns fail to produce a record worthy of a bowl game nod last season, but they also don’t appear anywhere in most preseason top-25 lists and there are already concerning amounts of injuries being reported out of Austin. But Texas boasts one thing that we respect. It’s trying to be the most ‘Texas’ team that it can be. The Longhorns figure to be All-Gas, No-Brakes this season. They might not stop anyone, but they have elite and deep talent at most skill positions. If they can crack that nasty habit of blowing 20-point leads they picked up last fall, they could make a lot of noise.
Texas A&M (Last Year - 8-4, no bowl game)
This might be the year when the Aggies finally get over the hump. They got hurt by a reshuffled schedule in 2020 and couldn’t take full advantage of beating Alabama last season. Maybe this is when it all comes together for Jimbo and his boys… But that’s not what anyone cares about. With NIL now in full swing, Texas A&M needs to accept its fate and evolve into its final form. Wins and losses aside, the Aggies are now here to be the cartoonishly evil/corrupt program controlled by rural Texas oil money that will leave no stone unturned, no recruit’s pocket unfilled and no prostitute unburried in the pursuit of glory.
Auburn (Last Year - 6-7, lost Birmingham Bowl)
A lot of schools with uncertainty will spend the spring, summer and beginning of fall sending coach after coach to the microphone to sing praises about how position groups are progressing, how everyone has made huge strides in the weight room and how guys are fighting for playing time all over the depth chart. Auburn has chosen the nuclear option, making the team a total afterthought as its athletics department is simply too much of a soap opera to look away from. Bryan Harsin was all but fired last season up until the administration determined they couldn’t fire him for cause and that the budget was a bit full with checks still being paid out to the last two coaching regimes. EASY SOLUTION!!! Just fire the Athletics Director a week before the season starts. Auburn should move out west as they’ve correctly determined that the best way to stop a rampaging wildfire is to set another fire of your own making and hope they cancel each other out.
Utah (Last Year - 10-4, lost Rose Bowl)
Visit any prominent social media platform and you’re bound to run into an eternal battle between young people and Baby Boomers. While we here at the poll definitely fall on the more modern side of most social issues, Utah is your favorite Boomer’s favorite team. You see… the Utes have done things the “RIGHT WAY”. They started out with nothing. They showed up every day and worked up through the WAC and Mountain West to earn a spot in the Pac-12. They kept their head down and didn’t get typecast like their little brother BYU who decided to make most of his personality about religion. Utah is just going to keep on grinding out 9 or 10 wins per year and loudly wonder why you can’t afford a nicer house at your age.
Oklahoma State (Last Year - 12-2, won Fiesta Bowl)
The Cowboys were very much a part of the playoff discussion for most of last season, but you probably didn’t hear much about them. That wasn’t the result of some sort of grand scheme by the SEC or East Coast media, it’s simply that Okie State was winning with one of the nation’s best defenses. Coming from the Big 12, that was a huge ‘File Not Found’ as far as talking points go for most national syndicates. Come on, Cowboys, you’re here to win most games 49-45 with 1,000 combined yards of offense. No one wants you to be well-rounded.
College GameDay Signs (steadily improving for a quarter-century)
Week 0 featured a heavily scripted and studio-based edition of College GameDay. That’s just fine for everyone who has been dying for the start of college football, but Week 1 will seem like a more formal and official beginning when the opening music-video montage fades into a sweeping aerial shot of thousands of fans in a live setting, ready to scream at a pregame show for three consecutive hours. If there is any silver lining to what social media and viral videos have done to our country, it’s that we’ve discovered some genius comedy via signs appearing on GameDay. It’s like we’ve always said, be it witty poster board signs, a big work project or a paper due in 12 hours, the best course of action is always heading to your nearest college town and getting tanked until 2 a.m. before getting down to brainstorming.
LSU (Last Year - 6-7, lost Texas Bowl)
Brian Kelly took a lot of heat for his pandering to the LSU fanbase over the winter. Sure, his southern drawl was as fabricated as it was terrible. And yeah, Anyone residing in a state with an SEC school has a Pavlovian response to start spitting and pooping everywhere if Notre Dame is ever mentioned. But Tiger fans should take a step back and think. Both Notre Dame and Catholicism fit in much better in Louisiana than Indiana. The red-faced problematic drinking is also a perfect fit between the two cultures. Kelly has proven himself to be a very good coach and LSU has now allowed him to recruit guys who will never be asked to pass a test. The guy at least deserves a fair chance.
Penn State (Last Year - 7-6, lost Outback Bowl)
The Nittany Lions have a couple of national titles to their name, but most fans of the program will argue that they should have many more. There is a ton of high school talent in the Ohio-Pennsylvania-Maryland-New Jersey area and the school has plenty of history (most of it not felonious). The problem is that - even by college town measurements - Penn State is in the middle of nowhere. Nobody wants to be on a mountain in the middle of the desolate 85 percent of Pennsylvania. What national recruit wants to go somewhere that requires at least two hours to drive to anything even resembling a regional airport? It’s really saying something when you’re only the 20th most populous city in a state where you can maybe…. MAYBE name five cities.
Oregon (Last Year - 10-4, last Alamo Bowl)
While the top tier of college football has been exclusive territory for the same 3-4 teams - with a handful of one-off visits from others - over the last decade, Oregon has a great case for claiming top spot in the second tier. A couple of national championships took the term ‘Clemsoning’ out of the lexicon, and while ‘Oregoning’ doesn’t roll off the tongue nearly as easily, the argument can be made that they’ve assumed the role of nearly always having a championship-caliber team while always having an injury or inexplicable loss derail everything. They are also good enough to spoil the dreams of top teams as evidenced by a 2021 upset of Ohio State and they’ll get a chance to do it again with a date against Georgia in Week 2.
Kentucky (Last Year - 10-3, won Citrus Bowl)
We apologize for the lack of knowledge or insight on Kentucky. It’s just that we’ve read a ton of preseason magazines and polls and nearly all of them list the Wildcats as the second best team in the SEC East and a possible dark horse if UGA manages to slip up. We aren’t big fans of ‘Stranger Things’ here at the USELESS Poll, but we’ll be spending the next 30 minutes wandering around in search of an exit as we’ve clearly stumbled into the Upside Down.
N.C. State (Last Year - 9-3, no bowl game)
Everybody put your pencils down. No more writing. Ok… who has N.C. State as one of the most prolific producers of NFL quarterback talent since the turn of the century? Remember, we’re on the trust system over here. Five of the last seven Wolfpack QBs to start more than 10 games in their college career went on to be drafted. Russell Wilson and Jacoby Brissett will be opening day starters for their respective teams, Mike Glennon and his enormous neck are still looking for work as a backup, and there’s a good chance Phillip Rivers might return midseason to a team with injury issues once he realizes that having 37 children is probably worse for your mental health than getting blindsided by an edge rusher.
Pittsburgh (Last Year - 11-3, lost Peach Bowl)
The loss of a Heisman finalist and the Belitnikoff Award winner would figure to put a damper on the Panthers’ first ever ACC championship and keep them from matching that success in 2022. The USELESS Poll says “nonsense.” We don’t know who will be making big plays this season, but it matters not. The real reason for the team’s return to national relevance was its decision to return to the classic blue and yellow uniforms from the school’s heydays of the 70s and 80s. And while the standards for reporting on the team still officially list them as Pittsburgh, going back to the script ‘Pitt’ on the helmets is further currying the favor of the college football gods.
Olivia Dunne (Last Year - over $1 million in endorsements)
When NIL deals were officially given the green light, there was an almost instantaneous reaction claiming that the ability to pay athletes would lead to even more of a runaway train effect for rich and dominant programs that were already on top of the world. In a stunning blow for both Title IX and all of the non Power-5 quarterbacks of the world, Dunne has become one of the top earning college athletes, which is almost certainly due to her abilities in gymnastics and has nothing to do with her instagram posts that you definitely shouldn’t go look for right now.
Baylor (Last Year - 12-2, won Sugar Bowl)
With the impending exodus of Texas and Oklahoma to the SEC, Baylor has to be excited. If the Big 12 can hold itself together, the Bears figure to be the team with the most consistent recruiting and track record of winning in the conference once all of the dominoes settle into the new college football landscape. Good news and bad news if Baylor keeps this up… The bad news is that Dave Aranda might be on the fast track to an SEC move of his own. The good news is that at least football is back up to third place in things Baylor is best at, right behind basketball and covering up abhorrent rape scandals.
Mississippi (Last Year - 10-3, lost Sugar Bowl)
We’re sure that Ole Miss has some good players returning. Holding your own in the SEC West is no joke. But there are already plenty of football-related storylines in that neck of the woods. Ole Miss would do better to sell itself out to create America’s next great reality show where Lane Kiffin blatantly exploits the boundaries of NIL deals to find the Rebels’ next big recruit. Can Mississippi beat some of the best teams in the SEC? Sure. Can it beat all of them and win a title? No. Would it be worth it to just mail in a game against Alabama or Arkansas to watch Lane judge gator wrasslin’ or a fan boat race up the Mississippi River? Absolutely.
Air Force (Last Year - 10-3, won First Responder Bowl)
It takes a lot to put together a season worth of a New Year’s 6 bowl. Obviously, there needs to be talent, and every really good team will also have to catch a break or two along the way. But for those not named Alabama or Clemson or Ohio State, it also requires that a valuable schedule with winnable games coincides with the peak of a cycle of experienced and talented players. Most would agree that Air Force doesn’t have the best roster of any G5 team, but they’re plenty good and the schedule works out perfectly to where the Falcons might be the better team in every matchup while facing just enough competition to make them a shoe-in for the top G5 spot if they run the table.
Teams that are probably Top-25, but we ran out of jokes: Southern Cal, Arkansas, Cincinnati
Teams that are good, but not quite good enough: Tennessee, Fresno State
We enjoy making the poll every week, but it’s time consuming and we can’t always catch all the storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of these rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.
