USELESS Poll: 2022 Preseason

After a long hibernation that has suspiciously covered nearly the same stretch as the amount of time my oldest child has been traipsing about the world, it is time for the USELESS Poll to reemerge like so many bears, cicadas, or Georgia fans whose impending bout with cirrhosis was curtailed just in time by that national title.

For those just tuning in, this is yet another weekly college football poll published for mass consumption. However, we do things a bit differently when handing out rankings each week. The namesake of the poll is derived from our particular method of madness, as we ‘Undermine Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions.’

Don’t let the SAT words scare you. To put it more simply, the USELESS Poll generally tries to identify the best teams on a week-to-week basis. And while win-loss records and ability to make the playoff weigh heavily into the math, we also consider things such as entertaining scandals, Playboy top party school lists, program insiders willing to slide us valuable betting information and other things of that sort. 

That should cover all the basics. Everything will become clear as the season carries on. So let’s jump into the starting blocks and see how the 2022 season is lining up.

1. Georgia (Last Year - 14-1, won national championship)

For new readers, there are very few rules that govern the rhyme or reason for the rankings in any given week. However, one rule that stands hard and fast is the Ric Flair Rule… To be the man, you gotta beat the man. Georgia could win its first few games in nail-biters (unlikely). It could bench Stetson Bennett (possible). It could suspend two-thirds of its team for a game due to offseason shenanigans (pretty much an annual occurrence). But as reigning national champs, the Bulldogs stay on top until someone beats them. 

2. Ohio State (Last Year - 12-2, won Rose Bowl)

The Buckeyes saw their title hopes end in the most brutal way possible last season as they were ousted from playoff contention by archrival Michigan. Not only did Michigan finally win one against “that team down south,” but it did so in dominating fashion and scooped up OSU’s prospective playoff ticket to boot. But Ohio State likely qualifies as this season’s top candidate for reloading rather than rebuilding. And regardless of how the entire season plays out, the Michigan game should be interesting. Ohio State is going to try and turn the regular season finale into the latest John Wick sequel. 

3. Alabama (Last Year - 13-2, national runners-up)

Speaking of teams seeking some vengeance this season, it can only be assumed that Nick Saban hasn’t slept more than 15 consecutive minutes since dropping the national title game to Georgia last January. But in case anyone felt even the tiniest bit of sympathy for Saban and the Crimson Tide, just remember that last year was considered a “rebuilding year” by many and that said rebuilding year got them within 30 minutes of another championship and will set them up with a returning Heisman-winning quarterback and, arguably, the best defensive player in the nation. But none of this will matter for teams in ‘Bama’s way. Saban is seeing red and will win by 50+ at every opportunity.

4. A general feeling of malaise (Undefeated since outbreak of COVID)

The previous year assessment mentions COVID, but this fast-rising theme in the poll has been around for the better part of a decade. Despite the move from the BCS to a national playoff, the last few years have begun with just a few teams that anyone could even imagine winning the national championship. And - without fail - that’s what has come to pass. Each year seems to bring about a new dark horse, but it continues to be the same two or three teams left standing that were predicted to be there half a year prior. Are there some very, VERY good teams out there this season? Yes. Does anyone really think that anyone other than the top-3 listed above will actually win?.... Malaise.

5. Clemson (Last Year - 10-3, won Cheez-It Bowl)

Piggybacking upon the No. 4 entry, has any team ever been so much better than 95 percent of its competition while being so entirely written off as the 2021 Clemson Tigers? Clemson spent half a decade at the very height of the mountaintop, but last season saw them all but ridiculed and mocked for having the audacity to not field a third or fourth consecutive once-in-a-generation QB to keep the train moving. If we were rating units like a video game, Clemson would have B+’s and A’s across the board… and that’s enough for a really good also-ran nowadays.

6. Notre Dame (Last Year - 11-2, lost Fiesta Bowl)

If there’s one thing that truly signals the beginning of the college football season, it’s the nationwide cry emanating from parts high and low that “Notre Dame is overrated.” On one hand, it’s hard not to buy into that logic. In just about every high-profile game in which they’ve competed for a decade, the Irish have stubbed their toe… then bashed their head… then inadvertently set themselves ablaze… then fallen off of a cliff, Wile E. Coyote style, complete with whistles, thuds and a soft puff of smoke. But the thing is, for all the ridicule and shame, it’s hard to find a program more deserving to get its skull cracked by the Alabamas, UGAs and Clemsons of the world. The Irish keep winning 11+ games and do it against a consistently tough schedule. If anyone is to blame, it’s not the pollsters. It’s the Irish for refusing to lose much right until the lights shine brightest.

7. Michigan (Last Year - 12-2, national semifinalist)

After half a decade of wondering if/when Jim Harbaugh could actually get his alma mater over the hump, Michigan finally made its first ever College Football Playoff appearance. The Wolverines even beat - read: stomped a mudhole into - Ohio State to end a long drought. A long, doubt-filled journey including practice trips abroad, countless gallons of whole milk and approximately $73 worth of WalMart khakis got Michigan to where they can see the top of the mountain. But it will take even more if Big Blue thinks it can claim a national title.

8. Oklahoma (Last Year - 11-2, won Alamo Bowl)

Coaching/administrative logic states that, when making a change at the top, it’s usually most effective to aim for a change in pace. A hard-line coach might be replaced by a more laid back guy. A micromanager might give way to someone who consults with players and assistants to get the right feel. In the Sooners’ case, they’re trading the flashy offense of Lincoln Riley and his multiple Heisman-winning quarterbacks for Brent Venables and the one guy who has made Alabama’s offense look shaky and slogging over the last five seasons. The Sooners might not dent the playoff picture, but they’ll hit some people really hard. Once they do that to the ball carrier - and before the whistle - in a few years, they could easily end up back on top.

9. Miami (Last Year - 7-5, no bowl game)

The Hurricanes have shown some signs of life at times over the last few years, but in each instance, the team cranked out wins while trying to ignore the looming threat of never having a quarterback that could turn losses into wins on his own. Miami seems to have finally solved that part of the equation as Tyler Van Dyke has clearly shown himself to be both the best the ‘Canes have and an All-ACC calibur talent. Miami doesn’t quite have the firepower to compete with the best of the best, but they should have a seat at the head table as college football continues to change. If we’re heading to a bigger playoff with cash and controversy and players flying around from team to team, we’re going to need a program to wear the black hat. And there is no school more perfectly positioned to excel in all of those aspects than Miami.

10. Texas (Last Year - 5-7, no bowl game)

Possibly our most controversial preseason pick. Not only did the Longhorns fail to produce a record worthy of a bowl game nod last season, but they also don’t appear anywhere in most preseason top-25 lists and there are already concerning amounts of injuries being reported out of Austin. But Texas boasts one thing that we respect. It’s trying to be the most ‘Texas’ team that it can be. The Longhorns figure to be All-Gas, No-Brakes this season. They might not stop anyone, but they have elite and deep talent at most skill positions. If they can crack that nasty habit of blowing 20-point leads they picked up last fall, they could make a lot of noise.

11. Texas A&M (Last Year - 8-4, no bowl game)

This might be the year when the Aggies finally get over the hump. They got hurt by a reshuffled schedule in 2020 and couldn’t take full advantage of beating Alabama last season. Maybe this is when it all comes together for Jimbo and his boys… But that’s not what anyone cares about. With NIL now in full swing, Texas A&M needs to accept its fate and evolve into its final form. Wins and losses aside, the Aggies are now here to be the cartoonishly evil/corrupt program controlled by rural Texas oil money that will leave no stone unturned, no recruit’s pocket unfilled and no prostitute unburried in the pursuit of glory.

12. Auburn (Last Year - 6-7, lost Birmingham Bowl)

A lot of schools with uncertainty will spend the spring, summer and beginning of fall sending coach after coach to the microphone to sing praises about how position groups are progressing, how everyone has made huge strides in the weight room and how guys are fighting for playing time all over the depth chart. Auburn has chosen the nuclear option, making the team a total afterthought as its athletics department is simply too much of a soap opera to look away from. Bryan Harsin was all but fired last season up until the administration determined they couldn’t fire him for cause and that the budget was a bit full with checks still being paid out to the last two coaching regimes. EASY SOLUTION!!! Just fire the Athletics Director a week before the season starts. Auburn should move out west as they’ve correctly determined that the best way to stop a rampaging wildfire is to set another fire of your own making and hope they cancel each other out.

13. Utah (Last Year - 10-4, lost Rose Bowl)

Visit any prominent social media platform and you’re bound to run into an eternal battle between young people and Baby Boomers. While we here at the poll definitely fall on the more modern side of most social issues, Utah is your favorite Boomer’s favorite team. You see… the Utes have done things the “RIGHT WAY”. They started out with nothing. They showed up every day and worked up through the WAC and Mountain West to earn a spot in the Pac-12. They kept their head down and didn’t get typecast like their little brother BYU who decided to make most of his personality about religion. Utah is just going to keep on grinding out 9 or 10 wins per year and loudly wonder why you can’t afford a nicer house at your age.

14. Oklahoma State (Last Year - 12-2, won Fiesta Bowl)

The Cowboys were very much a part of the playoff discussion for most of last season, but you probably didn’t hear much about them. That wasn’t the result of some sort of grand scheme by the SEC or East Coast media, it’s simply that Okie State was winning with one of the nation’s best defenses. Coming from the Big 12, that was a huge ‘File Not Found’ as far as talking points go for most national syndicates. Come on, Cowboys, you’re here to win most games 49-45 with 1,000 combined yards of offense. No one wants you to be well-rounded.

15. College GameDay Signs (steadily improving for a quarter-century)

Week 0 featured a heavily scripted and studio-based edition of College GameDay. That’s just fine for everyone who has been dying for the start of college football, but Week 1 will seem like a more formal and official beginning when the opening music-video montage fades into a sweeping aerial shot of thousands of fans in a live setting, ready to scream at a pregame show for three consecutive hours. If there is any silver lining to what social media and viral videos have done to our country, it’s that we’ve discovered some genius comedy via signs appearing on GameDay. It’s like we’ve always said, be it witty poster board signs, a big work project or a paper due in 12 hours, the best course of action is always heading to your nearest college town and getting tanked until 2 a.m. before getting down to brainstorming.

16. LSU (Last Year - 6-7, lost Texas Bowl)

Brian Kelly took a lot of heat for his pandering to the LSU fanbase over the winter. Sure, his southern drawl was as fabricated as it was terrible. And yeah, Anyone residing in a state with an SEC school has a Pavlovian response to start spitting and pooping everywhere if Notre Dame is ever mentioned. But Tiger fans should take a step back and think. Both Notre Dame and Catholicism fit in much better in Louisiana than Indiana. The red-faced problematic drinking is also a perfect fit between the two cultures. Kelly has proven himself to be a very good coach and LSU has now allowed him to recruit guys who will never be asked to pass a test. The guy at least deserves a fair chance.

17. Penn State (Last Year - 7-6, lost Outback Bowl)

The Nittany Lions have a couple of national titles to their name, but most fans of the program will argue that they should have many more. There is a ton of high school talent in the Ohio-Pennsylvania-Maryland-New Jersey area and the school has plenty of history (most of it not felonious). The problem is that - even by college town measurements - Penn State is in the middle of nowhere. Nobody wants to be on a mountain in the middle of the desolate 85 percent of Pennsylvania. What national recruit wants to go somewhere that requires at least two hours to drive to anything even resembling a regional airport? It’s really saying something when you’re only the 20th most populous city in a state where you can maybe…. MAYBE name five cities.

18. Oregon (Last Year - 10-4, last Alamo Bowl)

While the top tier of college football has been exclusive territory for the same 3-4 teams - with a handful of one-off visits from others - over the last decade, Oregon has a great case for claiming top spot in the second tier. A couple of national championships took the term ‘Clemsoning’ out of the lexicon, and while ‘Oregoning’ doesn’t roll off the tongue nearly as easily, the argument can be made that they’ve assumed the role of nearly always having a championship-caliber team while always having an injury or inexplicable loss derail everything. They are also good enough to spoil the dreams of top teams as evidenced by a 2021 upset of Ohio State and they’ll get a chance to do it again with a date against Georgia in Week 2.

19. Kentucky (Last Year - 10-3, won Citrus Bowl)

We apologize for the lack of knowledge or insight on Kentucky. It’s just that we’ve read a ton of preseason magazines and polls and nearly all of them list the Wildcats as the second best team in the SEC East and a possible dark horse if UGA manages to slip up. We aren’t big fans of ‘Stranger Things’ here at the USELESS Poll, but we’ll be spending the next 30 minutes wandering around in search of an exit as we’ve clearly stumbled into the Upside Down.

20. N.C. State (Last Year - 9-3, no bowl game)

Everybody put your pencils down. No more writing. Ok… who has N.C. State as one of the most prolific producers of NFL quarterback talent since the turn of the century? Remember, we’re on the trust system over here. Five of the last seven Wolfpack QBs to start more than 10 games in their college career went on to be drafted. Russell Wilson and Jacoby Brissett will be opening day starters for their respective teams, Mike Glennon and his enormous neck are still looking for work as a backup, and there’s a good chance Phillip Rivers might return midseason to a team with injury issues once he realizes that having 37 children is probably worse for your mental health than getting blindsided by an edge rusher.

21. Pittsburgh (Last Year - 11-3, lost Peach Bowl)

The loss of a Heisman finalist and the Belitnikoff Award winner would figure to put a damper on the Panthers’ first ever ACC championship and keep them from matching that success in 2022. The USELESS Poll says “nonsense.” We don’t know who will be making big plays this season, but it matters not. The real reason for the team’s return to national relevance was its decision to return to the classic blue and yellow uniforms from the school’s heydays of the 70s and 80s. And while the standards for reporting on the team still officially list them as Pittsburgh, going back to the script ‘Pitt’ on the helmets is further currying the favor of the college football gods.

22. Olivia Dunne (Last Year - over $1 million in endorsements)

When NIL deals were officially given the green light, there was an almost instantaneous reaction claiming that the ability to pay athletes would lead to even more of a runaway train effect for rich and dominant programs that were already on top of the world. In a stunning blow for both Title IX and all of the non Power-5 quarterbacks of the world, Dunne has become one of the top earning college athletes, which is almost certainly due to her abilities in gymnastics and has nothing to do with her instagram posts that you definitely shouldn’t go look for right now.

23. Baylor (Last Year - 12-2, won Sugar Bowl)

With the impending exodus of Texas and Oklahoma to the SEC, Baylor has to be excited. If the Big 12 can hold itself together, the Bears figure to be the team with the most consistent recruiting and track record of winning in the conference once all of the dominoes settle into the new college football landscape. Good news and bad news if Baylor keeps this up… The bad news is that Dave Aranda might be on the fast track to an SEC move of his own. The good news is that at least football is back up to third place in things Baylor is best at, right behind basketball and covering up abhorrent rape scandals. 

24. Mississippi (Last Year - 10-3, lost Sugar Bowl)

We’re sure that Ole Miss has some good players returning. Holding your own in the SEC West is no joke. But there are already plenty of football-related storylines in that neck of the woods. Ole Miss would do better to sell itself out to create America’s next great reality show where Lane Kiffin blatantly exploits the boundaries of NIL deals to find the Rebels’ next big recruit. Can Mississippi beat some of the best teams in the SEC? Sure. Can it beat all of them and win a title? No. Would it be worth it to just mail in a game against Alabama or Arkansas to watch Lane judge gator wrasslin’ or a fan boat race up the Mississippi River? Absolutely.

25. Air Force (Last Year - 10-3, won First Responder Bowl)

It takes a lot to put together a season worth of a New Year’s 6 bowl. Obviously, there needs to be talent, and every really good team will also have to catch a break or two along the way. But for those not named Alabama or Clemson or Ohio State, it also requires that a valuable schedule with winnable games coincides with the peak of a cycle of experienced and talented players. Most would agree that Air Force doesn’t have the best roster of any G5 team, but they’re plenty good and the schedule works out perfectly to where the Falcons might be the better team in every matchup while facing just enough competition to make them a shoe-in for the top G5 spot if they run the table.

Teams that are probably Top-25, but we ran out of jokes: Southern Cal, Arkansas, Cincinnati

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough: Tennessee, Fresno State

We enjoy making the poll every week, but it’s time consuming and we can’t always catch all the storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of these rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Preseason

Hello there, football lovers, blog devotees and random strangers who have gotten lost on the Internet. Welcome to another exciting season of this blog’s most popular feature – a weekly college football poll based only partially on merit while also considering other important factors such as ease of making fun of a school or a program’s reputation for having co-eds that … uh… like to show their school spirit when the TV cameras catch them.

The name of this weekly amalgamation of all that is good in college football is the USELESS Poll, as we’re constantly Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions in order to find the top 25 teams in the nation each week.

As much as we enjoy stirring the pot with our hasty research and frivolous penalties during the season, there’s no time like the preseason to really get fan bases fired up. Think your team is a title contender? Then why did they miss both of their passes in the 45 seconds that I saw of their fall practice in a SportsCenter look-in? No clue why there’s an irrelevant school listed? Well maybe you’d give out extra credit too if that team’s quarterback started following you on Twitter.

Projections will be made. In about three months, there will be plenty of gloating as well as plenty of embarrassment when we look back on our initial prognostication. Only one thing is certain, after over a decade of hard work to finally eradicate the BCS, we’ll all be ready to kill the four-team playoff selection committee for leaving someone out.

And so, without further ado, your first look at how 2014 stacks up:

1. Florida State (Last year: 14-0, national champions) – One of the few hard-and-fast rules of the USELESS Poll is that the reigning champ stays on top of the mountain until someone takes them out. The Seminoles could have lost all 22 starters, and they’d still retain the No. 1 slot in the poll. No one can even think about taking the Noles’ ranking until someone stops their winning streak. That could come sooner rather than later as a good Oklahoma State squad awaits FSU in the season opener at JerryWorld, but a win there should send the Seminoles well into October before they see another team with enough talent to have an upset on its mind.

2. Oregon (Last year: 11-2, won Alamo Bowl) – As we learned last year, even a stellar season isn’t enough to win the Heisman if you already have one on your mantle (dorm rooms have mantles, right? Probably right next to the freezer where you store all of your crab legs). There is no reason that Jameis Winston – armed with plenty of complimentary weapons – can’t continue to put up offensive numbers that can best be described as stupid. But Johnny Football did much of the same last year and was basically an also-ran. Oregon’s Marcus Mariota burst onto the scene two years ago as a freshman and had another great season in 2013. Now that we’ve had our fill of freshmen Heisman winners, it might be time for a guy with a proven track record to put up a third consecutive great season and be rewarded for it.

3. Alabama (Last year11-2, lost Sugar Bowl) – There are plenty of people who are projecting the Crimson Tide to play for a national championship. That seems reasonable as two years now feels like a long time to wait between crystal footballs making their way to Tuscaloosa. Bama didn’t quite crack the initial top-2 due in large part to inexperience under center. For all the talent that Alabama has to burn on both sides of the ball, you just can’t put a price on quarterback experience. For all we know, whoever takes the reins for the Tide might lead them to a few titles. But Winston and Mariota are known quantities, so they get the nod.

4. Ohio State (Last year: 12-2, lost Orange Bowl) – Clocking in at No. 4 is Alabama-North. The Buckeyes – much like the Tide – entered last season with lofty expectations. The title dreams for both were still alive and well in late November as Bama won its first 11 games and OSU ran through the regular season without a setback. But both fell victims to bitter rivals as Auburn broke Bama’s heart in the final seconds of the Iron Bowl and Michigan State took out the Buckeyes in the Big Ten championship game. Solid skill position players and a great defensive front seven will make the Buckeyes favorites to get back to the conference title game. Come to think of it, maybe OSU should have jumped Bama due to the return of senior starting QB Braxton Miller… Meh. The hell with it. It’s a long season and we can always adjust after Week 1.

5. UCLA (Last year: 10-3, won Sun Bowl) – When we ran our preseason poll last season, we predicted good things for the Bruins. While no one thought they’d get the better of Oregon or Stanford (and they certainly didn’t), the Bruins used a young and talented squad to post double-digit wins. This time around, UCLA could take it one step farther. While the Pac-12 South will be tougher this time around and both Oregon and Stanford remain on the crossover games, the Bruins’ only road trips come against teams that don’t figure to be any sort of threat to win the conference. If the Bruins can find a way to win one – or both – games against the powers from the North, another impressive win total and a possible crack at the Pac-12 title game could be in the cards.

6. Oklahoma (Last year: 11-2, won Sugar Bowl) – As has become ritual for OU over the last decade or so, the Sooners started last year with a good ranking, lost a few tough ones while underwhelming onlookers in wins, and was never a big factor in national title talk. There’s no doubting that the Sooners have the talent to be a top-10 (or possibly better) squad, but what really gives them a boost heading into 2014 is their total dismantling of Alabama in January’s Sugar Bowl. That win really showcased Oklahoma’s potential. The question – as always – is whether or not the Sooners can turn potential into performance.

7. Auburn (Last year: 13-1, lost in national championship) – What a difference a year makes. For Auburn haters, you can at least say that the Tigers are still just 8-9 in their last two seasons’ worth of SEC games. That’s about where the insults will have to stop as Auburn returns 14 starters and is still stacked at nearly every position. A No. 7 ranking might actually seem a little low until you remember that – despite the aforementioned talent – Auburn needed a nonstop parade of rabbits feet and four-leaf clovers to get to the national title game last season. The Tigers have championship talent, but you have to assume that they’re owed a bad beat or two.

8. South Carolina (Last year: 11-2, won Capital One Bowl) – In a year where so much of the SEC is trying to replace multi-year starting quarterbacks, Steve Spurrier is the coach you want to have on your side. Sure, Dylan Thompson wasn’t technically a starter last season, but Spurrier’s short leash with quarterbacks – and Connor Shaw’s propensity to get knocked out of every other game – has Thompson walking into a familiar role armed with plenty of support. The Gamecocks’ fate could easily be sealed three weeks into the season when they host Georgia. With a win over the Bulldogs, even a potential loss at Auburn would still have Carolina as favorites to go to the conference championship game.

9. Baylor (Last year: 11-2, won Fiesta Bowl) – If you look back through the years, you’ll find that one of the toughest things to do in all of sports is to become a perennial powerhouse in college football after first being a cellar-dweller. Now, a decent stretch of play isn’t quite ‘perennial powerhouse’, but it’s a start for the Bears, who previously spent most of the last 30 or so years getting the crap kicked out of them by the rest of the lower Midwest. There have been Cinderella seasons in the past and teams like Boise State and TCU have even put together multiple major bowl runs, but fell into subsequent lulls. Baylor should return the same offensive success that led the country in most categories last season. Even a trip to the national championship playoff wouldn’t cement Baylor as a football factory, but with each win, those 10-loss seasons of the not-so-distant past are becoming less of a memory.

10. Conference Television Networks (Last year: made money, hand-over-fist) – It’s getting to the point where some collegiate athletic departments are starting to rival small nations in terms of GDP. The top 10 percent of FBS schools are near (or long past) $100 million in revenues each year. That’s better than many regional companies and chains. Not content to dominate at retail stores and at the bargaining table for showcase television games early in the season, these schools are now spearheading their conference’s efforts to create their own television networks. Not only will this bring in even more advertising and media contract dollars, but the branding potential is off the charts when you only have to share screen time with a handful of your rivals. It might sound strange to say that a network showing the early rounds of a conference volleyball tournament during primetime on a weeknight is stupid, but if you’re rich enough to profit off of the circlejerk that conference networks have already become, you’d be all for it.

11. Georgia (Last year: 8-5, lost in Gator Bowl) – The Bulldogs seem primed to continue their schizophrenic ways in 2014. Last season, UGA’s offense was hard to contain, but its defense’s primary strategy consisted of hoping that opponents ran out of breath from flying up and down the field constantly. The defense should be much improved this time around, but now the Bulldogs must replace most of their offensive line and four-year starting quarterback A.J. Murray. The last time UGA lost that kind of stability under center, it just barely qualified for a bowl and notched a losing season. But hey, defense wins championships, right? Plus, the latest bulldog mascot has been alive for over a year. Optimism all around!

12. Michigan State (Last year: 13-1, won Rose Bowl) – Once the dust had settled on the 2013 season, it wouldn’t have been the craziest theory to spout off if you had said that Michigan State may have been the best team in the country. Sparty managed to run into Notre Dame in one of the few good efforts they gave last year, but then finished the season with 10 consecutive wins – including knocking Ohio State out of an assumed slot in the NC game and outlasting Stanford in the Rose Bowl. The Spartans’ defense could be one of the best in the nation and both Connor Cook and Jeremy Langford return to the offense. Unfortunately, MSU might have to contend with another early loss. Sparty travels to Oregon in Week 2. The winner will get an early head start on the national title talk while the loser will spend three months playing catch-up.

13. LSU (Last year: 10-3, won Outback Bowl) – If Alabama can’t break in a new quarterback and Auburn can’t effectively run pinball/hail mary pass plays, the Tigers could easily become a dark horse to win the SEC. The Bayou Bengals begin the season with a tough test against Wisconsin in Houston, but then don’t have to leave home until an Oct. 4 showdown at Auburn. All of those consecutive home games can’t be good for the grounds crew at Death Valley. Sure, they can probably get the surface ready for 300-pound wrecking balls storming around for three hours per week, but it has to be hell keeping the grass growing on the LSU sideline with Les Miles grazing for a month straight. Come to think of it, that opener could be a real trap game if The Hat doesn’t realize that Reliant Stadium has FieldTurf and has to get his stomach pumped at halftime.

14. USC (Last year: 10-4, won Las Vegas Bowl) – At long last, we could finally be headed towards an end-of-season clash between USC and UCLA where one of the teams doesn’t have to settle simply for playing spoiler. Both teams have every reason to believe that their rivalry game might be the last victory needed to secure a spot in the Pac-12 title game and, possibly, punch a ticket into the national semifinals. The only thing better than watching intense rivals go at it is seeing it happen when both have huge season accomplishments hanging in the balance. It also doesn’t hurt that this might be the best looking rivalry game in college football. It doesn’t get much better than seeing powder blue and gold unis clash with cardinal and a different shade of gold. When it’s 75 in late November in Los Angeles for your setting, well… that helps a lot, too.

15. Central Florida (Last year: 12-1, won Fiesta Bowl) – In a year where no Cinderella teams were able to charm their way into a BCS bowl, the Golden Knights valiantly played the role by pretending that the AAC wasn’t a conference with a BCS auto-bid (which wasn’t that hard to do. Seriously. You didn’t even have to squint your eyes or anything.). Upon winning the league, UCF also took down Baylor in its bowl game. We really have to hand it to the BCS. Even in its last year, it went down showing its laughably see-through hatred of any program that isn’t a perennial top-20 power. Fresh out of Bosies and TCUs to pit against each other so that neither could accidentally knock off a traditional power in a big game, the BCS threw the two least popular power conference winners together. Way to go, BCS. If you’re going to play the heel, you have to play it hard.

16. Marshall (Last year: 10-4, won Military Bowl) – While there are no computers to get past for lower conference teams from here on out, there will still be the sizable hurdle of the selection committee that will decide the four semifinalist. We’re assuming that the committee is made up of Condaleeza Rice, a bunch of power conference shmucks, and probably a guest appearance by a random Kardashian looking to open up her popularity to a new demographic. Anyways, Marshall seems like a potential party crasher this season. We’ll be honest, the Thundering Herd (easily a top-10 nickname in the country) probably doesn’t have the talent of a few other smaller conference teams, but their laughably easy schedule gives them the easiest road to 12-0, which is the only record that will get a team of their ilk anywhere near a national semifinal discussion. We honestly can’t even come up with a potential pitfall game to ruin Marshall’s run at perfection. Let’s go with Southern Miss. It’s a road game in rural Mississippi, so there’s an outside chance that the Herd might not be able to find the place.

17. Wisconsin(Last year: 9-4, lost Capital One Bowl) – Down south here at USELESS headquarters, Big Ten teams catch a lot of flack. They might not have too much to brag about in the way of big bowl wins recently, but we will give them this; the same slow and plodding style that others love to make fun of allows even the best Big Ten teams to rarely miss a beat when coaches skip town. Bret Bielema was thought of highly enough to be courted by the almighty SEC, and yet the team he left behind continues to churn out wins. ‘Sconsin will once again feature a devastating power game that – if the defense holds – could threaten the top of plenty of polls before the season is through. But Wisconsin really needs to make one more big splash to really put itself on the scene. We humbly suggest a change to the mascot. There’s nothing inherently wrong with Bucky the Badger, but his goofy head and calm demeanor only serve to further embed the boringness of the program. Maybe have Bucky put a knife in Brutus Buckeye and people will start to notice Wisconsin.

18. North Carolina (Last year: 7-6, won Belk Bowl) – The ACC finally took a step towards redemption last season as its horrible record in BCS bowls was answered by a win in the national title game that also put an end to the wretched tyranny of the SEC. Many have already disregarded Florida State’s win as a one-off anomaly, but North Carolina could be ready to join the Seminoles at the big boy party this season. UNC returns plenty of weapons and a light OOC schedule should keep the win total high. Personally, we’re hoping that the Heels can continue on their state’s football success from last season. How great would it be to see a Duke-UNC showdown to determine who plays for a conference championship? Start setting up the fall edition of Krzyzewskiville.

19. Get Rich Quick Schemes (Last year: sent at least one percent of participants into top tax bracket) – Over the next few weeks, thousands upon thousands of college students will be returning to school. In all our years of observation of this truly unique subset of the human species, we’ve come to two absolute conclusions. 1) College kids are mostly lacking in common sense and forward thinking. 2) In order to compensate for that first characteristic, they’ll usually take the easiest route out of whatever predicament they get into. So, go out to the Wal-Mart at your nearest college town. Buy up all the shower rods, laundry baskets, garbage cans, and whatever other household necessities a 20-year old won’t think of until he/she needs them. Then go set up shop at the dorms and apartments to sell your stash at insane markups. You’re welcome. See you at the yacht club.

20. Boise State (Last year: 8-5, lost Hawaii Bowl) – Detractors of non power conference teams surely loved the Broncos’ struggles last season, but anyone feeding off of that narrative just isn’t paying attention to history. Boise’s mediocre 2013 marked just the second time in 11 years that the team hadn’t achieved double-digit wins. Boise seems primed to bounce back this season as plenty of weapons return on both sides of the ball. But let’s be honest… The vast majority of people will choose to follow or forget BSU following their first game of the season. If the Broncos can invade the Georgia Dome and beat Ole Miss, it’ll be just like old times. If not, the Broncs could go 11-0 the rest of the way and still have to hear flak about not being a legitimate power.

21. Notre Dame (Last year; 9-4, won Pinstripe Bowl) – We’re so, so happy that there’s no such thing as a schadenfreude-boner. The collective result from Notre Dame having a great quarterback suspended due to academic impropriety would have sent thousands upon thousands to their spam email folder to buy shady pills just to keep the party going. Unfortunately for them, Everett Golson is back and has already reclaimed his starting role. Even without a viable passing threat, the Golden Domers managed to win nine games last season. This time around, the schedule appears too tough for even Golson to lead the Irish into championship contention. Then again, if ND can find a way to beat Sanford and USC – and maybe not get embarrassed by Florida State – the rest of the schedule is soft enough for another unlikely run to the higher reaches of the poll.

22. Clemson (Last year: 11-2, won Orange Bowl) – If Clemson wants to remain Florida State’s biggest challenge within the ACC, it will probably have to go about getting its wins differently. Even in a below-average conference, you can’t just lose a three-year starting quarterback and an All-American wide receiver from a spread offense and come out smelling great on the other side. Until the Tigers figure out how they’re going to put up points, it’s going to be up to the eight returning starters on defense to hold the line and keep the wins coming. Even if Clemson isn’t a dark horse to reach the elite level like it was last year, it’s still hard to see any other ACC teams passing them by. With that in mind, the Tigers’ postseason hopes will likely be determined in the same fashion as last season – a mid-September game against division rival Florida State.

23. Mississippi (Last year: 8-5, won Music City Bowl) – The good news for the Rebels is that they’re coming off of (arguably) their two best recruiting years in school history. Even better is that most of those highly touted guys are proving their worth once they get to college. Unfortunately, there’s still the matter of sharing a division with three schools that have combined to win six of the last 11 national championships. Of the three-headed monster of Alabama, Auburn and LSU that lay ahead in division play, only the LSU game is on the road. Still, it’s pretty hard to see the Rebs winning any more than one of those and getting themselves into the SEC title discussion.

24. Stanford (Last year: 11-3, lost Rose Bowl) – This season, the Cardinal are going to rely on a smart quarterback, a good defense, a veteran and powerful offensive line, and a relentless running game… Wait. Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. We’re starting to wonder if opposing coaches even ask for game tape on Stanford anymore. They haven’t changed their basic game plan in a decade and the craziest thing they do is maybe run it outside of the tackle box once or twice each game. So as boring as that is, there’s still something to be said for the fact that the Cardinal have parlayed that kind of scheme into four straight seasons of 11 or more wins. A very, very good Pac-12 might put that streak in jeopardy, but – regardless of preparation techniques – opponents still aren’t going to be thrilled during Stanford week.

25. Northwestern (Last year: 5-7, did not make a bowl) – Rounding out the first USELESS Poll of the season is one team that didn’t make it to last year’s postseason. That record wasn’t pretty, but do you remember where the Wildcats were at one point. Here’s a refresher – Northwestern was 4-0 and led No. 2 Ohio State with less than three minutes to play. After that, the wheels fell off. OSU came back to win and the Wildcats lost their next six games – four of them by less than a touchdown. Northwestern returns 17 starters, including Veneric Mark, whose injuries keyed the tailspin of last season. It will be tough for NW to overcome Wisconsin in their division, but with a crossover Big Ten schedule that avoids both Ohio State and Michigan State, the Wildcats are set up for a Cinderella run.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Texas, Washington

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Florida, Iowa, Michigan

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of these rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

Thinking inside the box

When it comes to working out and/or regimented exercise, I can report from both ends of the spectrum. In my natural state, nothing short of a stern warning from a doctor or the necessity of looking good in a suit for a formal occasion will get me serious about getting some exercise with any sort of direction or regularity.

On the other hand, my natural aversion to conflict and pathological need to impress others had me pulling early mornings and late nights – without question – to appease angry coaches back in my high school playing days.

To me, the idea of fitness or healthiness has never been more than a means to an end. I like baseball and football. In order to be good at them, a certain amount of wishing death on strength coaches and puking your way through mid-summer runs is necessary.

Now that I’m done with competitive sports – at least as far as having a career in them is concerned – there isn’t as much of a prerogative to hit up the gym. Then again, all those years of busting my ass has also left me with just the slightest smidge of pride that will send me back to a treadmill or squat rack when I get to feeling a little too out of shape.

At 28 years old, many leading researchers in the field of getting paid to say how good people are at sports would have me believe that I am at my physical peak. According to all of those lab coats, the best all of us soon-to-be-thirtysomethings can hope for is a degree of health that will at least allow the doctor to prescribe a generic drug for our maladies instead of having to resort to expensive name brands. Science, medicine and evolution are telling us that it’s all downhill from here.

And so I’ve taken the step that millions before me have – I signed a contract to pay a gym lots of my money every month, regardless of whether or not I actually go. The experiment has had its ups and downs. The main contributor to my attendance is that I don’t want to get behind on my favorite podcasts and sweating my way through a workout is the best way to find that sort of uninterrupted free time.

I’ve found my solution to a (somewhat) healthier life via a 24-hour gym that lets me do whatever I want so long as my credit card clears each month and I don’t disturb the group of ladies on the elliptical machines watching ‘The View’ with the volume on 11,000.

For others, a slightly more intense approach is favored.

Over the last year or two I’ve kept an eye on the rapid rise and conflicting opinions surrounding the phenomenon that is CrossFit.

For those who have been on the other side of the world for the last few years, CrossFit (CF) is a very unique, very intense, and – for many – very effective route to physical fitness.

It is also a widely scrutinized and often disparaged method of working out that, according to critics, can do much more harm than good due to the competitive components of the system and the not-always up to snuff credentials of the coaches running the CF facilities (boxes).

Many critics of CF also chastise the ‘cult atmosphere’ surrounding members that seems to stem from different components of the brand that include the aforementioned competitiveness of each workout, the quick rise to popularity of CF, and the perceived outspokenness of CF clients and their claims of how effective the program is in improving strength/fitness/athleticism.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m friends with many CF members (and even the owner of one local box). Without exception, I consider all of them to be great people and can’t substantiate any claims of ‘cultishness’ or elitism that is often heard from CF detractors. Every one of them is a person that is just doing their best to be healthy and stay in shape. If any of them take exception to what I write here, it will be easy to run me down. Thanks to CF, all of them can run for distance far better than I ever will.

That said, I have started to see a few flare-ups on various message boards and social media sites I frequent where the friends and foes of CF are starting to butt heads and let the (verbal) punches fly. Depending on the extreme you want to believe in, CF could be anything from a total waste of time and money that sucks people into mindless competition with more potential for injury than physical benefit to a godsend of a program that trains members to excel in dozens of disciplines that will help you throughout your life and advance you towards a truly complete physical fitness.

So where exactly does CF fit in?

It’s tough to say.

On one hand, there is no denying the fitness of any CF member who regularly visits their box. And those who make it to regional and national competitions combine the looks of cover models on a men’s or women’s fitness magazine with strength and endurance that is usually seen only in cartoons or less-than-believable action movies.

The broad nature of disciplines covered by ardent CF members is also impressive. I don’t pay as much attention to the Olympics as I should, but I would imagine that all of the aspects of a decathlon – and then some – are routinely covered in CF workouts of the day (WODs). From thousands of readily available articles and videos available for CF, it doesn’t take long to find an example of just about every conceivable muscle group being taxed by one of the system’s signature exercises.

Undoubtedly, this kind of all-around competency is hard to find amongst even the elite of any other sport or training program.

And that’s also where I can find faults in the CF brand.

When I first set foot in a CF box, I was intrigued. I have been in everything from well-funded corporate setups all the way down to almost forgotten low-level high school weight room dives. The box I visited was far more Spartan than any of those venues.

I was filled in on the things that might be a part of a given WOD. Short runs, long runs, rope climbs, snatches, etc. Placed in the right order, with the right weight/rep/time constraints, these simple exercises can – and do – easily turn any willing participant into a workout machine.

But what struck me as odd – given my competitive streak and the fact that all of these workouts are timed/scored – is that I could have done any of those programs the day I stepped in the door.

Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have won any of these competitions. In all likelihood, I’d finish pretty far down the totem pole. My point is that anything that anyone ever does at CF – from beginner classes all the way to the uber-elite competitions now televised on ESPN – could likely be performed by any athletically competent person, in some form or fashion, on their first day at the box.

The weights never get too high. The distances never get too long. The reps never get to be too much. Everything about CF is familiarizing yourself with the exercises. The more workouts you participate in, the more familiar you get with approaching each movement and – sticking to CF’s competitive nature – completing it as fast and efficiently as possible.

Critics of CF might think they’re taking a dig at it when they call it something along the lines of ‘the sport of exercising’.

Honestly, I see that as a compliment. There are plenty of people who would be jealous of the many different things CF participants are able to do. In a contest of being physically fit and healthy, all of the insults in the world won’t make up ground on the lead CrossFit-ers have on the vast majority of the population.

But for those who really want a barb to throw at the CF crowd, I’ll give you this….

To be the most physically fit or to have the broadest abilities sounds great, but the approach that CF takes to get to that goal is like running a maze millions of times. The workouts remain the same and the goal seems to be simply to run through it faster each time. The only real reward at the end of the maze is a high-five and the challenge to immediately run through it again, only faster this time.

In most sports, time spent in the weight room or on the track prepares athletes to adapt and excel at a competition that plays out differently each time. In CF competitions, it’s the same workouts as always, only everyone is trying to workout the fastest.

And again, the stuff that is being done – even at the elite events that are televised nationwide – are things that most anyone could do right now if they jumped off their couch for a minute.

I can climb a rope, but probably not as well as an elite member of CF.

I can run a few hundred meters, but probably not as fast as an elite member of CF.

I can do pull ups, but not as many as an elite member of CF.

I can lift over 100 pounds above my head easily, but not as fast as an elite member of CF.

Put all of those together, and it becomes that maze. All of the places where an outsider might have the slightest hiccup or hesitation serves as exponential growth in the gap created by the competitor who eats, sleeps, and breathes that specific competition each and every day.

And that’s not a criticism. These WODs and CF competitions are perfectly formatted and presented to showcase those who excel in them in the best possible light. That’s what popularizes the system and that’s what makes the thousands of CF boxes around the country profitable.

The only real problem I see is the tendency of some to promote the winners of these competitions (or just the best performers at each local box) as models of athleticism. Relatively simple exercises – even when done at mind-numbingly high reps or fast speeds – are still just simple exercises. Elite competition winners can stake a claim to being the best at CF, but there just isn’t much else that translates to.

It’s a random workout that has been ground down into a niche in terms of how it is completed and who competes in it. If I took just some very specific parts of my athletic interests and suddenly made them part of a competition, I would become elite in a hurry.

Check out my WOD:

-         Put in play 10 pitches thrown at 90 MPH

-         Track and catch 10 fly balls hit over 75 feet in the air

-         Starting at the 15 yd. line, evade a linebacker to break the goal line

-         Retain consciousness after being blindsided by a blitzing linebacker

-         Sink 10 3-pointers

-         DO FOR TIME… REPORT SCORE

Look at that list. It seems daunting, yet any athletically competent person could – eventually – do all of those things. It’s just much easier for someone who regularly competes in those sports to check off all the steps. Being able to do all of these things the fastest doesn’t make you a baseball player, a football player, or a basketball player. It makes you… I don’t know… good at that exact workout, I guess. But hey, I can do it fast, so that must mean something.

In my opinion, that’s what CrossFit is. By promoting itself as competitive, it’s becoming a sport all of its own, suited only for those who partake in it while alienating – at least in the competitive aspect – those who wish to use the program to better themselves in particular traits related to sports other than CF.

The program reaches out with a promise that anyone and everyone can partake, yet also goes out of its way to promote itself and its best members as the best of the best and superior to other methods of being in shape. The irony is also not lost on me that – despite the aforementioned ‘no frills’ nature of the boxes and CF’s preference for ropes and tires over complicated machinery – a membership can easily cost three to four times the amount that I pay for my 24-hour, air conditioned gym stocked with all the latest gadgets and flat screen TVs.

It’s a popular model, but a slightly weird one.

CrossFit will undoubtedly be the reason that thousands of people avoid middle-age issues like high blood pressure or diabetes. Then again, so will Zumba classes, biking clubs, and overly-competitive men’s league softball.

We’re all older than we used to be. There’s no denying that. What we’re all looking for is a way to feel young and maybe not die so quickly.

Competition is fun and can help everyone stay committed to whatever pursuit keeps them active and healthy.

But let’s stop competing to see which workout hobby is best. There is no perfect workout or best health plan. Whatever keeps you going is the right one.

Plus, if I ever have to write a game story on who does the most burpees, I’ll shoot myself.

A Golf Guide for the Masses

After an absolutely brutal winter – yes northern friends, it sucked down south as well – I think we’ve finally turned the corner and will have steady heat and prolonged sunshine for the next few months. That can only mean one thing: golf season is officially here.

For readers in and around the Statesboro area, you might soon be making your first trip to Georgia Southern’s new track. The course opened up in October, but – since many of us are sane and don’t try to golf when it’s 50 or below – many area golfers are just now getting their first crack at what is a pretty challenging 18 holes of play.

Seeing as how the course underwent a complete overhaul from its previous existence as Southern Links, one of my only complaints about the course is the lack of some sort of strategy guide. With fast, undulating greens, tons of deep bunkers, and water on two-thirds of the holes, it would be great for people to have some crib notes on how to attack the course.

But there’s also a bit of a challenge to laying out such a battle plan. I’ve played plenty of nice courses that offer tips on the scorecard. Some even have a GPS screen on the cart that will help you strategize given your location. That’s all well and good, but – without fail – every one of these guides I have come across has tailored its advice to the abilities of a pro-level golfer, of which I rarely see whilst hacking my way to a gentleman’s 92 at a random public course.

Now I’m gong to do the GSU course a favor. No… Two favors. After playing the course a handful of times and shooting both good scores and embarrassingly bad ones, I’m here to offer up some tips for the best and the worst of us.

So dust off the clubs, put a few sleeves of balls in the bag, and get ready to experience 18 holes of fun at Georgia Southern University Golf Course at University Park. Hole distances listed from both White and Navy tees. All other distances (probably poorly) estimated. Perceived ease or difficulty of some holes heavily influenced by my own glorious triumphs and/or tears of unfathomable sadness.

No. 1

Par 5

488/527

Good Golfer

I’ve always enjoyed opening with a par 5. As a sometimes straight and usually long driver of the ball, there’s nothing like a par 5 to potentially jump start a good round with a birdie or par. Trees line both sides of a wide fairway, with a pond short and right off the tee box that won’t factor into play. Much more threatening is a fairway bunker at the corner of the slight dogleg right. The bunker is a long ways from the tips, but is reachable from closer tees and makes reaching the green in two out of the question if you should find yourself in it. Shorter hitters can still create a great birdie opportunity with a straight drive and a solid second shot short of the green. The approach requires accuracy as bunkers and steep slopes make a missed green a very tough par save.

Bad Golfer

Hey. Remember how you read the ‘Good Golfer’ post first? (I know you did. It’s good to have goals and dreams) Anyways. Remember how that pond off the first tee isn’t in play? Well it is for you. It’s a cruel joke played by the groundskeeper. It literally couldn’t be in a more perfect spot for the weak right-handed slice that so many golfers battle. The good news is that the rest of the hole is still quite manageable. Even a water ball can still be turned into an acceptable score for a high handicapper.

No. 2

Par 4

367/396

Good Golfer

As inviting as No. 1 is, the second hole throws you into a challenge that is far more representative of the day you’re in for. The fairway isn’t as inviting as the first hole and tee shots breaching the tree line on either side will likely be unplayable, if not lost forever. Another fairway bunker challenges drives up the right side, but favoring that side of the fairway provides the optimal angle for run-up shots into a very undulating green.

Bad Golfer

The tee at No. 2 provides plenty of great views. That will come in hand as a fun distraction while you and your playing partners spray plenty of unplayable tee shots into a fairway that is harder to hit than it seems. Things get no easier after that as a slight uphill approach will likely end in discovering greenside bunkers. Be careful in blasting out of these traps. Solid contact is what you’re usually lacking, but if you accidentally find it out of a bunker, you’ll likely be in a backyard somewhere.

No. 3

Par 4

327/368

Good Golfer

A classic risk/reward hole. Three fairway bunkers begin on the right side and jut out into the middle of the hole’s natural path. End up in any of them and you can pretty much eliminate any birdie (and most par) thoughts. A fairway wood or hybrid tee shot just left of the middle bunker will still be plenty to leave a short – but uphill – approach. No. 3 is the first of many holes where knowledge of pin placement is crucial. The two fall-lines that separate the green’s three tiers are both extreme and ending up on the wrong level can easily lead to a three-putt or worse.

Bad Golfer

For the second consecutive hole, there aren’t any inviting places to aim a tee shot. In addition to the fairway bunkers, OB guards the right side. Short and left is safe, but also lengthens the hole considerably. It really doesn’t matter how you get yourself to the green. Given the severe breaks and the ability to turn a 3-fott putt into an ensuing 12-footter, it’s entirely likely that you’ll register more putts than full shots on this hole.

No. 4

Par 3

132/157

Good Golfer

The first short hole on the course – under the right conditions – is a prime candidate for a birdie. No matter what tees you’re playing from, a 40-foot drop from tee to green will require no more than a 9-iron or wedge to reach. Even shots landing short are helped by a hardpan in front of the green that will funnel high shots onto the putting surface. The one defense of this hole is a windy day. Tall pines on three sides of the tee box might minimize effects of any wind, but the elevated tee also ensures that all tee shots will rise above the trees and be subjected to unforeseen gusts.

Bad Golfer

Two brutal tee shots give way to a friendly one as even miss-hits should be able to bounce downhill toward the green. The course’s generosity continues at this green is larger and flatter than most you’ll see all day. It’s entirely possible that a bad tee shot and an iffy chip could still lead to par. If that happens, you’ll probably have the urge to call it a day and end on a good note. Bad news. You’re now a good half-mile from the clubhouse. Might as well keep on grinding.

No. 5

Par 4

340/387

Good Golfer

The top-rated handicap hole on the course doesn’t offer many options to even the most skilled golfers. Another downhill tee shot requires a carry of at least 200-ish yards to clear a pond that is fed by a stream which continues further up the hole along the right side. The water again branches out into a wide hazard at about 260 yards and will prevent big hitters from going with the driver off of the tee. The landing area of the fairway is completely boxed in by OB running all the way up the left side. A well-placed tee shot is only half the battle as the approach shot must be played over the second pond while also carrying a large upslope to an elevated green with a false front. Another challenging green with many subtle breaks makes every shot on this hole a thought-provoking one.

Bad Golfer

Upon reaching the tee to No. 5, take two balls out of your bag and mail them to the blog. (Pre-paid return boxes delivered upon request!!!) since you’ll just lose them forever if you try to challenge any of the obstacles impeding your first shot. Go ahead and just walk up to the edge of the first pond and fire away. While the landing area just over the second pond does nothing for birdie and par seekers, this is a solid bailout spot since a 200-plus yard shot, uphill and with bunkers, slopes, and water everywhere, isn’t really in your bag of tricks. If you do better than a bogey on this hole, go ahead and save the scorecard.

No. 6

Par 4

317/377

Good Golfer

The toughest hole on the course gives way to a much more manageable one with this short par 4. Well… it’s manageable so long as you get off the tee. A huge lake runs the entirety of the left side of the hole with little rough to slow shots rolling close to the water. Trees and OB also line the right side, but both can be avoided without too much trouble by a straight drive. Just about any ball in the fairway provides a good look at the green. Water juts into the fairway short and left of the green and a bunker lies just beyond the water. Any pin tucked behind those two hazards is difficult to shoot at, but the center and right portions of the green are relatively easy approaches and the green itself doesn’t have many treacherous putts in it.

Bad Golfer

This tee shot seems intimidating, yet doable. No one likes seeing so much water and so many trees lined up in the general direction of where they’ll be hitting, but the fairway is reasonably wide. So account for your slice, aim halfway out into the lake – and promptly hit the always-unexpected straight ball. It’s cool. We’ve all been there. The bonus is that those straight balls, while never retrievable, are always long and majestic. A couple of punch shots and a decent putt or two can still save you from total disaster on this hole.

No. 7

Par 3

182/220

Good Golfer

The longest par 3 on the course provides a big challenge for even good golfers if they don’t have the ability to hit high and soft approaches with their long irons or hybrids. The lake from No. 6 isn’t a threat just in front of the tee box, but any shots falling short and left are in danger of finding the drink and forcing a very difficult shot from the drop zone. Missing right of the green is also potentially disastrous as a tall oak prevents high pitch shots into a two-tiered green. Even for accomplished golfers, par should be celebrated on this hole.

Bad Golfers

All things considered, it might not be the worst idea to pull driver and try to blast past all of the danger (and the green) on this hole. Elevation changes and tough bunkering over the first six holes have already proven that even your short game is susceptible to this course. With a green sloping from back to front, a long tee shot isn’t going to make a great score likely, but on such a long par 3 with so many perils lying in wait, it’s the safest way to make sure you aren’t just reaching the green on your sixth shot.

No. 8

Par 4

326/381

Good Golfers

This hole has potential birdies and pars within it, but will only give them up with critical thinking and great execution on the first two shots. The large lake runs up the left side and turns the green on this hole into a peninsula. Long hitters can carry the lake from shorter tees. From the tips, clearing the water is still possible, but holding the green or the fairway short of it – which runs at a perpendicular angle to the tee box – is very unlikely. For good bunker players, a trap just right of the green is a good target that can lead to a sand-save birdie. Shorter hitters have many more things to consider. Any drive over 220 or so can run through a fairway that takes a 90-degree left turn towards the green. Anyone aiming at the corner of the dogleg created by the lake is also at risk of bouncing into a drainage ditch of rocks and water that splits the fairway about 100 yards short of the green. For long and risky golfers, a birdie and a double bogey are equally likely.

Bad Golfer

This hole seems to be a perfect storm. You learned your lesson on No. 6 with that straight ball right into the lake. Now, the same lake again guards the left side and you have a great view of your previous demise on the sixth hole. You take dead aim toward the dogleg in anticipation of having figured out this game and hitting another straight drive – and promptly slice it into the mounds on the right side. It’s not so bad, all things considered. You’re still high and dry. But the lake is still in play and numerous swales on the right side of the green are still presenting big challenges for a wayward approach. The best bet might be to hit your drive, then use nothing but wedges and a putter on your way in to minimize water balls.

No. 9

Par 5

460/504

Good Golfer

Similar to the opening hole of the day, the ninth is a short-ish par 5 that can lend itself to some low scores. A decently wide fairway opens itself up to swinging from the heels for a big drive and – while a bit uphill – the second shot holds the possibility of finding the green even from the back tees. A wayward shot can be recovered from without too much creativity so long as it doesn’t come to rest in front of one of the dozens of pine trees up both sides of the fairway. The real teeth of this hole are in the putting surface. Much like No. 3, there are three distinct levels of the green falling from back to front. A knob on the tiny back-left corner of the green is an even higher fourth tier if the greenskeeper is in an especially bad mood. Getting on the green in regulation isn’t the tricky part. The key is getting to the back nine in the fewest putts possible.

Bad Golfer

For the first time in an hour or so, you can really swing free and easy with the driver off of the tee. Wide enough left will leave you in the first fairway with plenty of windows to punch back onto No. 9. If you go way right, just walk until you find a similar heavy slice from the driving range and trade for the first ball you stumble across. As you near the green, it’s very important to think a bit more critically than high handicappers are used to. The green is a challenge for even great golfers and can be an absolute nightmare for one who isn’t adept with the flat stick. It’s almost better to chip up to/around the green until you reach the desired tier than it is to attempt to putt up or down any of the devastatingly steep ridges.

No. 10

Par 4

313/342

Good Golfers

Much like the first hole, No. 10 eases you into things and can be a great scoring opportunity. Distance and control on a blind drive are crucial as too much length off the tee can run through the fairway (and possibly OB) while a shot leaking to the left will find a huge cross bunker. A fairway wood off the tee is plenty to still ensure a short wedge shot into the good-sized green. Distance control on the approach is again important as a large ridge in the middle of the green can easily turn a potential birdie opportunity into a scramble for par.

Bad Golfers

Great news…. After looking at every possible angle, there is no good reason why you should be able to lose a ball off the tee at No. 10. There is rough to the left, the aforementioned bunker far ahead, and dozens of innocent cars parked off to the right, but you should definitely be able to play your second shot a good ways away from the tee. If your tee shot doesn’t hit the large bunker, it should be much easier to avoid with your next shot. But you’ll probably manage to get intimidated and bounce one in there anyways. It’s OK. Lots of us could use a good workout and raking an acre’s worth of sand is a great start.

No. 11

Par 5

501/537

Good Golfers

A rolling dogleg left makes up the course’s longest hole. The fairway provides plenty of room on a slightly uphill tee shot, but water guards the inside of the dogleg while OB hangs on the right along with a pair of bunkers at the top of the hill. Reaching the green in two is possible only for long hitters. Lay up shots have plenty to aim for, but the optimal placement is on the left side of the fairway as a large tree 75 yards short of the green blocks many approach angles from the right side. This hole is rather straightforward and still holds birdie opportunities, but one bad shot here can lead to more lost strokes than on other par 5’s.

Bad Golfers

Much like the drive on No. 2, this tee shot is deceptively hard. Decently straight hitters shouldn’t have too much of an issue, but those fighting any sort of constant slice or hook will be intimidated by the narrowest driving chute on the course and immediately overcorrect whatever they perceive to be their problem. Second shots for high handicappers should be uncomplicated as it takes a lot of loft and distance to find much trouble once you make it to the top of the hill. You may well make it to the green in a decent amount of strokes, but a huge putting complex with many ridges and valleys can still pose plenty of problems.

No. 12

Par 3

159/184

Good Golfers

One of the most aesthetically pleasing holes at GSU serves as the first par 3 on the back nine. A small pond in between tee and green shouldn’t serve as a threat and a wide green is also deep enough to hold even low iron shots coming in. The green isn’t the most difficult to hit, but missing it can carry steep penalties. A sharp slope and deep bunkers guard the front of the green while shots missing to the right can run towards the tree line and those to the left can end up with a tight lie. Players should aim to simply get on the putting surface and look for a two-putt par.

Bad Golfers

The scenery that good golfers enjoy is a disaster waiting to happen for the shakier ball strikers out there. Despite the decent depth of the green, the hill leading up to the green complex keeps you from seeing much of it. Because of this, prepare to overswing – hitting behind the ball and depositing another ball into the pond that the ‘Good Golfer’ in front of you wasn’t even concerned with. From there, it’s (literally) an uphill struggle as you try to pitch up onto the green. Make sure to rake the greenside bunker… for all three of those shots from the sand.

No. 13

Par 4

378-440

Good Golfer

One of the least defended holes on the course is a bit long from the tips, but can still surrender low scores. Driving accuracy is once again key as heavy woods run the length of the left side and OB borders the right. Yet – as is common at GSU – there is enough width to the fairway to forgive tee shots that are only slightly off-center. The green is also rather docile, offering no huge knobs or ridges to contend with. The only real place for the flagstick to hide is directly behind a shallow bunker guarding the front right side of the green.

Bad Golfers

This is a great hole to work on your social interactions. If you suffer from that all-so-common right-handed slice, your first and second (and possibly third, fourth, and so-on) shots are in imminent danger of ending up in a back yard. We don’t recommend that you play that shot (it’s OB), but there are plenty of friendly dogs and homeowners that can take pity on you and let you pillage their property to reclaim your ball. After all, we’re getting late in the round and you only brought so much ammo.

No. 14

Par 4

404/427

Good Golfers

Just as the round starts to wind down, the par 4’s begin to show a lot more fight. A semi-blind tee shot awaits at No. 14 and will require a slight fade for righties to work around a large dogleg right unless you want to take the straight route and challenge a large pond on the right side with tall pines guarding the reemergence of dry land. Any drives missing left or powering through the dogleg might find short grass near the fairway on No. 10, but the next shot will be blocked by several trees. The green slopes a good bit from back to front, but has no big ridges and can give you a fighting chance on longer putts.

Bad Golfers

Give your driver a break and go with the hand wedge for a few shots. Anything without solid distance and good direction spells doom off the tee on this hole. You could hit your first one into the pond and hope that your next drive or two finds better results. On the other hand, three or four solid throws will get you past the pond and headed downhill towards the green. Watch out for the right side of the green. There isn’t much room to miss and you could potentially find Golf Club Rd. Not to worry though. The Constitution clearly states that oncoming traffic must yield to people playing foolish pitch shots from the middle of a two-lane road.

No. 15

Par 5

451/507

Good Golfer

A wide open fairway invites everyone to let it ride on the final par 5 of the day. OB exists in the form of backyards on both sides of the fairway, but only severely mishit shots will stray that far offline. Even from the tips, this green is reachable in two. But no matter how big of a drive you hit, the same problem presents itself in the form of a 50-yard wide lake just a few yards in front of a slightly elevated green. For those confident enough to clear the water with their second shot, even a missed green can catch a good lie and turn into an up-and-down birdie. Those laying up can also get into the hole in four strokes as a short third shot approach will be received by a large green.

Bad Golfer

There are more opportunities to test the structural integrity of local housing on this hole, but the vast majority of drives should stay in play. When approaching your second shot, take a good hard look at the green some 200-odd-yards away. Know that professionals wouldn’t even consider the water hazard before peppering the green with lawn darts. Ponder the fact that this is what they call ‘golfing’ and wonder if what you’re currently doing still qualifies as the same. Now, take out your fairway wood and crush one that falls short into the water. Sure, you lose a ball and a stroke. But you got it about 90 percent as far as a pro would have. Embrace that confidence. Try not to let the 8 you put down on the scorecard affect that confidence.

No. 16

Par 3

167/197

Good Golfer

Any solid round is about to get a run for its money as a brutal three-hole stretch rounds out your day. This hefty par 3 is under 200 yards, but plays 20 feet uphill and often straight into a prevailing wind. Deep bunkers and steep slopes combine with a two-tiered green to punish any tee shot that can’t find the putting surface. Given the length of the hole, pin placements near the back of the green are a bit easier to fire at, but simply hitting the green and walking away with par is a solid strategy.

Bad Golfer

It might be best to just think of this hole as a really short par 4. Sure, there isn’t any fairway to speak of, but staring down three greenside bunkers on a long uphill shot is too much to concern yourself with. Pick the right club for your distance and swing away. With any luck, your particular brand of malady will show itself and safely steer your ball away from the green and all the perils that surround it. From there, just worry about getting onto whichever portion of the green looks the most inviting and figure out the tricky breaks after your first putt or two.

No. 17

Par 4

401/450

Good Golfer

A long par 4 with plenty of potential pitfalls serves as the penultimate hole on the course. No. 17’s length is partially negated by a downhill drive, but the initially wide fairway eventually narrows and can send right-leaning shots bounding into rough or – for long hitters – headed straight towards another lake. The fairway continues to narrow as it approaches the green, which breaks away from the fairway at a 45-degree angle. A shot from the left side of the fairway can get to the green without crossing over water, but the slope of the fairway makes that sort of tee shot placement very difficult. A run-up shot towards the left side of the green is optimal as it takes water out of the equation and can use the landscape to run towards the center of the green.

Bad Golfers

Your round might already be shot, but here’s a chance to have some fun! Once again, there are plenty of houses lining the left and right sides of this fairway. One of those houses belongs to a personal friend of this blog. If you can shank your drive into his backyard, catch his attention, and bring up this blog, you’re entitled to one drink of your choosing from out of his refrigerator. From there, it’s best not to challenge the water running up the right side as you approach the green. Get to the left of the fairway if you can’t make it to the green with your second shot and give yourself a straightforward chip or pitch to the pin. After finishing, if you’ve correctly identified the house of our friend, feel free to tee up your ball and send him a souvenir to thank him for the free drink. Actually… Don’t do that. Because you’re in the ‘Bad Golfer’ category, and aiming at that particular house would likely endanger every other house on the block.  

No. 18

Par 4

394/449

Good Golfers

A solid round will get one more stiff test as you attack the final hole on the course. There is another forgivingly wide fairway to aim for off the tee, but long hitters must beware of that pond from way back on No. 1 as it creeps in off the right side. The water shies away well before the green, taking some of the danger out of the approach, but birdie seekers will have to put their second shot on the right level of a two-tiered green with a drastic ridge running from back-left to front-right.

Bad Golfers

Last hole of the day. Can’t hold anything back. Alright… Now that you’ve overswung and topped your tee shot into the wasteland just past the tee box, just tee another one up. You might see your ball, but it’s better to pick it up later than to contest with mud and tough grass while trying to play out of it. Once getting your ball into the fairway, a poetic end to your day is likely as the pond you shanked into on No. 1 awaits a poorly struck approach on this final hole. Stare down your enemy, learn from your previous mistakes, and wisely hook one into the cart barn up the left side. Thank the employees there for your day of enjoyment on the links before punching up to the green and mercifully ending your day.