The tragic downfall of this gentleman's evening out was when his lady friend informed him that she "doesn't go to second base" on a first date.
After getting a few good laughs over the fact that a college aged girl was using the first base, second base, etc. vernacular in an actual dating situation, we got to thinking about those baseball euphamisms that most of us left behind around our freshman year of high school.
While the coding system for such activities is seemingly archaic, my friends and I set about reviewing and ammending the terms to adjust for the vast advancements that we've made over the last decade regarding both baseball strategy and the dating game.
Think of it as rounding the bases for a dating sabermetrician. Instead of just first, second, third and home enjoy the more nuanced accomplishments such as:
Strikeout swinging - Self-evident. You make a pass and get shot down.
Strikeout looking - You've been planning your approach for too long and another guy strikes up a conversation with the girl before you take a chance.
Picked off/caught stealing - You're in too much of a hurry to get to the next base. You inadvertently kill the mood and, suddenly, you're off the bases altogether.
Pinch hitting - You've sufficiently talked up a target, then let a friend/wingman step into your place to take his cuts.
Hit by pitch - Taking one for the team. That girl who is friends with the one you're wingman is talking to might not be good looking, but if you just lean into one, your wingman will be better off and it probably won't cause you any permanent damage. Also, whatever you do, don't rub it. People will laugh.
Sacrifice bunt - Appeasing the target of your wingman in order to put her in a good mood and help move him along.
Sacrifice fly - The big brother of the sac bunt... More important since it involves someone scoring. You swing for the fences with someone to help your wingman score - i.e. his girl doesn't want to desert a friend or doesn't want to seem slutty by taking someone home while her friend comes home alone. There is a reason why the dugout empties to congratulate the guy who successfully converts one of these. The sac fly is truly selfless and admirable team play.
Leaving the bases loaded - You did everything right, but couldn't get that run across. If this becomes a trend, postgame tirades will ensue.
Hitting into a double play - Not only do you get yourself out, but you get a wingman thrown off the bases in the process.
Run rule - After finding out the number of times that the girl you're talking to has already scored, you decide that it's best to just move on to the next game.
Danny Almonte rule - In play at nicer bars. Watch out for that cougar that says she's 29. She's probably closer to 40 and married with three kids.
Julio Franco rule - Potentially much more dangerous than the Almonte rule. You don't look 18. I'm going to need to see some I.D.
Draw a walk - It's a free pass. You set you sights on a slutty girl and make it to first without even trying.
Grand Slam - You do something so incredibly badass (bankroll the drinks for a girl and her friends, spring for the hotel, win big at the craps table) that an entire group of girls are impressed enough to entertain you and your friends for the night.
Hit for the cycle - A one-night stand. You cover all of the bases within 24 hours of meeting someone.
Suicide squeeze - A wingman does something drastic to try to get you home. This is usually some combination of an outright lie or fantastic story told to either the target or her friends in order to send you all the way. It is usually used at a pivotal moment and, while it is to be celebrated in the form of many high-fives the next day if successful, will spell total disaster if not executed perfectly.
Straight steal of home - Do not attempt unless you are Ben Roethlisberger.
Love It!
ReplyDelete