Before I get started, I’d like to apologize for my recent absence. There are only two of us in the sports department, and the one that isn’t me just had his first kid. But I’m OK with it. Hell, I encourage it. I know our current economic situation, and I’m rooting for as many new babies as possible. I need a new, huge generation of people to pay for my social security.
Well, getting back to the point of my weekly rant, it’s obvious that there were two main contenders from the last couple of weeks. Not only did Ron “Metta World Peace” Artest’s elbow try to break the sound barrier/James Harden’s neck, but Amare Staudemire also manned up on a fire extinguisher harder than any Miami Heat player in the immediate area.
After giving it some thought, I’m going with Artest. Sure, Staudemire’s decision to punch glass was ill-advised at best and might even take him out of commission even longer than Artest, but at least most of us can relate. I’d be willing to guess that there aren’t many athletes out there who haven’t punched something in a brief fit of rage at some point.
On the other hand, Artest’s actions would have brought an assault charge if it had occurred anywhere other than a basketball court. What kind of a person launches his elbow full speed at the back of another person’s head?
But the stupidest thing I heard all of last week about the incident didn’t have as much to do with the elbow as it did with how Artest handled the aftermath. I’m not sure what awful PR firm is giving pointers to athletes and politicians that get caught doing something wrong, but they need to stop. The only thing more embarrassing than Artest’s total lack of sportsmanship or regard for the wellbeing of Harden was his total refusal to acknowledge that he had done anything wrong.
After being ejected, seeing the countless replays and being asked hundreds of questions about the incident, Artest finally admitted that he may have inadvertently hit Harden. Delving even deeper into absurdity, he then issued the time-honored favorite of people whose horrible actions are being broadcast all over the media – the Non-Apology Apology.
The Non-Apology Apology (NAA) makes me want to throw up whenever I hear it. Classic examples of the NAA are usually associated with people saying dumb things, then following up with something like “I apologize if my comments offended anyone”, or “Had I known that the media would blow this whole thing out of proportion, I certainly wouldn’t have said that.”
It’s the most shameless cop-out there is and I usually find the NAA to be more embarrassing and detrimental to the person’s character than whatever caused them to almost, sort of feel sorry (but not really) in the first place.
Things were no different with Artest. When he finally got it through his head that he had actually done something wrong and couldn’t play it off as an accident, there was no shortage of statements that expressed some sort of remorse, and then quickly explained that he shouldn’t really be held accountable.
First, Artest utilized a great NAA tactic, using self-aggrandizing statements to justify the action. He claimed that “I’m an emotional player,” and “I celebrate. That’s how I always celebrate. Unfortunately, I hit Harden while doing it.”
Come on, Ron-ron. Is that really how you celebrate? This was a routine play in a regular season game. I’ve seen you hit a 3-pointer to pretty much seal an NBA championship, yet you somehow celebrated your way through that without trying to decapitate anyone. Additionally, are we to believe that raising your elbow up over your head and throwing it down and out to your side is a celebration? That seems more like an epileptic fit.
Then, he tried saying that he didn’t even see Harden there. Really? Because you definitely bumped into him before you threw that elbow. Cut to one of Artest’s NAAs and that story changes. There, he claims that he “may have bumped him, but he was more concerned with getting back down the court.”
Dude… That’s an explanation so ridiculous that you really must believe it in order to tell it to the media. Looking at the replay, it’s pretty impossible to declare that Artest had no idea that another player was currently occupying the space he had requisitioned for his elbow of celebration/justice/douchebaggetry. Look, I get it. This was a big game and you just made a big play. You were celebrating and a guy got in your way.
Giving that player a little shove probably would have gone unnoticed, but that’s not what he chose to do. Instead, the only viable option Artest could come up with was to swing as hard as he could at Harden. And this wasn’t a ‘get out of my way while I continue to thump my chest’ swing. You’re 6’7”. When you throw an elbow straight out at another NBA player, you aren’t giving them a love tap on the back or in the ribs. You’re going for their head.
Finally, his NAA levels reached critical mass after the league suspended him for seven games. Having been suspended numerous times and having lost over $4 million in salary over the course of those suspensions during his career, Artest actually had the gall to suggest that he was surprised with the commissioner’s ruling.
In what may have set a new world record in committing to a “who, me?” defense, Artest – obviously unaware of his own dubious history - seemed amazed at his ability to harm a player like he did.
At the press conference after his suspension was levied, Artest tried to give the impression of being understanding, saying things like “Oh, wow. When I looked back on it, I did seem to hit him pretty hard,” and “I didn’t think that I should be suspended. I hadn’t even realized that I hit him, so I didn’t think it could have been that bad. But I definitely hope James is alright,” then topping it off with “I definitely am not trying to go out there and hurt people. That’s not what I’m doing when I’m on the court.”
Um, Ron… two things. First, you went on your twitter account after the incident and appeased your apologist fans, promising that you will continue to be aggressive because that’s just who you are. That kind of contradicts the Ron Artest that couldn’t seem to wrap his head around his ability to give Harden a concussion when the media came calling.
Second, I think that you lost your ability to ever cast yourself as the docile type after charging over a table, cold cocking a fan, and earning a suspension that spanned over 2/3 of a season for inciting a brawl that made an early regular season game in 2003 look more like civil unrest in the Middle East.
My point here isn’t that you should shape up, Ronny. You’re way past the point where you could ever turn over a new leaf. My advice instead, is to embrace your assholishness. Throughout your entire career, you’ve always been That Guy. You’re the guy who will catch someone’s ribs every time they come down with a rebound. You’re the guy who will stick his foot right under a jump shooter as he comes down. And you’re certainly the guy who thinks that an elbow to the brain stem is a proper retaliation for being bumped.
All that I’m asking is that you stop “apologizing” for all of these things that you continue to do.
Nobody is buying anything you’re saying. You did see Harden. You did try to elbow him in the head. You absolutely knew what had happened when your actions caused a scrum on the court and you definitely won’t let any of the ensuing bad press, fines or suspension time keep you from doing something like this again.
To say anything that argues these points and – above all – to expect any of us to buy it, is simply the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard (this week).
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