Soccer - The final frontier

sis-ter kiss-er

noun

1.      One who kisses his own female kin

2.      One who is known to shy away from confrontation

3.      A tie in a sporting event, much like the 0-0 draw between Mexico and the U.S. Tuesday night

Soccer. Hey. What’s up, man? Why don’t you come and have a seat over here?

Listen, soccer. I get what you’re all about. I don’t understand you entirely and I’ve certainly said some less than complimentary things about you in the past, but I’ve been making an honest effort to get to know you better and to appreciate your finer points.

All of that said, I think that we might just have to agree that we aren’t meant to be together. I think that we make good friends. We can definitely get drunk and hook up once in a while. But I just don’t see this leading anywhere serious.

I’ll admit it. I used to take the easy way out with soccer. Back before the United States was given any sort of credit on the international stage, you could lump me in with most of the rest of the country in firing off a few condescending remarks about the sport during the 1 percent of my time that I wasn’t going out of my way to totally ignore it.

In the last decade or so, I like to think that I’ve done my part to work on the relationship. After making a few friends who have played soccer throughout their childhood, I made an honest attempt to understand the game. It took a little bit of effort, but I was able to begin to understand the ebbs and flows of a top-flight soccer match – not to mention the unbridled patriotism on display during the World Cup that was easy for me to get caught up in.

After years of following the United States men’s national team and investing in a country that is trying to become an international force in the world’s most popular sport, I feel like I have done my part.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that I can say the same for soccer.

And that’s not to disparage the sport. I don’t think that U.S. soccer has done anything wrong. This is just something that was beyond its control.

You see, I – like many American sport lovers – am ready to fully invest myself in whatever athletic team that I choose to root for. This isn’t an uncommon trait for a red-blooded American male. I am part of the reason that liquor is consumed at 9 a.m. on college football Saturdays, that death threats pour into hosts of sports radio programs, and that innocent trees can become the target of a heated rivalry.

And, in this respect, I – along with my insane brethren – am on the international level as far as the borderline sociopathic support for my country’s soccer team is concerned.

It’s just too bad that United States soccer (through no real fault of its own) is unable to get on this level.

It’s a shame, but no matter how good they get or haw many world powers they knock off, the USMNT is never going to be more than an emergency excuse to get riled up and drink/party/vandalize on a random weekday night (and at odd hours, depending on the location of the match). Soccer is America’s bowling night or softball league. It’s an excuse to hang out and drink that is thinly veiled as some sort of athletically-oriented social event.

Soccer’s problem in America isn’t with the people who watch it. It’s with the people who play it. Anyone can wear an American flag as a cape and turn on ESPN at kickoff. It takes a top-tier athlete to win soccer matches for his country, and all of America’s best athletes are busy playing just about anything that isn’t soccer.

Let’s face it. For all of the blood, sweat and tears that Americans put into achieving greatness in a sport, the endgame usually has something to do with a huge check or millions of fans knowing who you are. There is no shortage of great athletes in this country – just take a look at the medal count for any Olympic games if you disagree – but there is also a long line in front of soccer when it comes to sports that feature fame and fortune for those who seek it.

This is where the ol’ U S of A will always fall short as far as soccer is concerned. In just about every other country, the ultimate goal of the best athletes is to play for the national soccer team. In America, playing soccer professionally is basically the last option of ultra competitive cross-country runners who have good foot-eye coordination and who can’t get a college degree.

In America, there are just too many other options that will reward athletes with much more money. Football, baseball, basketball, and lucrative reality television contracts all offer much more than an average MLS player can ever hope to earn. Even if a teenager has a promising soccer career going, how is he supposed to pursue that if any of those other options seem viable?

Meanwhile, you’ve got kids in South America, Europe and Africa whose only other lucrative options if they find themselves as athletically talented youths include running drug cartels, being an awkward white big man in the NBA who flames out, or becoming a warlord in their ravaged nation. With so few options, just about every other country on the planet sends the best of the best to do battle against the fourth or fifth-string athletes that settle for playing soccer for the U.S.

Just think about it. The U.S. is taking a bunch of private school kids who weren’t big or fast enough to get football scholarships and pitting them against teams that are made up of guys who have dreamed of playing for their national team since they could kick a soccer ball.

It’s a losing battle and, quite frankly, the rest of the world should be in awe of the fact that we can routinely qualify for the World Cup with our also-ran athletes.

Just imagine if the U.S. was as soccer crazy as the rest of the world. Let me introduce you to the current starting lineup for the Stars and Stripes:

F – LeBron James

            Regarded by many as one of the best athletes in any sport, it stands to reason that LeBron would be a worldwide force if he ‘took his talents’ to the soccer pitch. James is taller and bigger than most elite soccer defenders and is rumored to have a 40 time somewhere in the 4.6 range. Good luck marking him when someone lofts a high pass downfield

F – Adrian Peterson

            This dude came within a few yards of the all-time NFL rushing record less than a year removed from shedding up his knee. Peterson is a freak of nature who can outmuscle anyone that he can’t outrun and vice-versa. “All Day” wouldn’t just be his nickname. It would be the amount of time that defenders spent fearing his next run down the field.

M – Mike Trout

            The reigning AL Rookie of the Year (and nearly the MVP) goes right alongside Peterson with being some sort of abnormal fluke of raw athletic talent. Not only does Trout possess world-class speed, but he wouldn’t need to have the ball to be dangerous. His ability to track fly balls would translate nicely into winning headers at midfield.       

M – Landon Donovan

            If we’re going to revamp the lineup, there needs to be at least a little bit of veteran leadership. Landon Donovan has been the face of U.S. soccer for over a decade. A few bad performances in big games gave him an awful reputation, but Donovan went from whipping boy to national hero in one-tenth of a second with his goal against Algeria in the last World Cup. He may be past his prime, but every good team needs a wily veteran.       

M – Cliint Dempsey

            While Donovan provides the veteran leadership, Clint Dempsey accounts for about 90 percent of the U.S.’s current soccer swagger. This addition has nothing to do with continuity. Dempsey is, quite simply, one of the best soccer players in the world. America is lucky to have him and he would likely headline the team, no matter how many of our citizens tried their hand at the game.

M – Kobe Bryant

            This guy might be a little bit over the hill as far as athletic abilities are concerned, but Kobe is the most cold-blooded killer that American sports has to offer. Bryant would make for a perfect defensive midfielder. He has the athleticism to shut down attacks and the vision and creativity to start his own offensive. Plus, you know that you could count on him to provide some late heroics if the situation dictated it. Shaq would probably stop trash-talking Kobe altogether if he amassed all of those NBA titles AND a World Cup.

D – Dustin Brown

            Playing defense in international soccer is like playing offensive line in the NFL. It’s a thankless job. Of all the times that you are singled out by commentators, 10 percent are for great plays, but the other 90 percent is for when you caused something awful to happen for your team. Hockey defensemen are a little more balanced as far as the hero/goat equation goes, but there are few people more intimidating or more committed to making sure that an opposing offense doesn’t finish the game with all of its bones or muscles in the same configuration that they started in. Go ahead and chalk up the NHL’s best American defenseman for this team.          

D – Darrelle Revis

            For all of the physicality that Dustin Brown brings to this dream team, there is an explosiveness that is lacking. With Revis on the squad, America would never have to worry about pesky wing players making deep runs down the sidelines to track down passes that are bombed downfield. Revis could beet opposing forwards to the point of attack and reverse field quick enough to start an American offensive.

D – Anderson Silva

            An MMA fighter is the most obvious choice of the entire lot to join the ‘All-Soccer’ team of American athletes. Silva has the unique blend of incredibly effective legs and general indifference to murdering anything that moves that makes him a perfect fit on this squad. Whether you need someone to mark a great forward on set pieces or a guy who will concede a yellow card to make a point early in the game, Silva would be your man. The unyielding fear of him kicking me in the head is enough for me to award him the captainship of this team and I’ve never even met the guy.

D – Kevin Durant

            The ultimate two-way threat. Durant is nearly seven feet tall, but he glides down the court and has no trouble slicing through smaller (and supposedly quicker) foes. Durant would be able to stay in front of the world’s most talented dribblers and would be a nightmare when he posts up in front of free kicks. Offensively, Durant would be lethal in the box as an extra attacker on corners. No dinky European would ever beat him to a header.

GK – Calvin Johnson

            This one was tough. I love Tim Howard. I love his borderline ridiculous goalkeeping abilities and I love his willingness to cram approximately 284 cuss words into the brief 3-second snippets of on-air close-ups that focus on him. But Howard wouldn’t hold a candle to a soccer-oriented Megatron. Calvin Johnson stands 6’5” and can cover more area than a standard infield tarp. In a penalty shootout situation, Johnson would be the equivalent of building a brick wall in front of the goal.

For all of you lifelong soccer fans out there, I hope that I didn’t offend you with this list. I respect your sport – even if I don’t always see the point of it.

My only goal was to show that, for all of the snide jokes that are made at our expense by the rest of the soccer-playing world, America probably could be a World Cup champion if it really wanted to.

Players from the other handful of sports that offer more money and fame aren’t going to switch to soccer anytime soon, but we should take solace in the fact that we already contend with – and sometimes pull upset wins off of – some of the best, most well-funded, and bat-shit craziest soccer playing nations on the globe.

It’s only a matter of time before our mid-level athletes conquer the field at the ‘world’s game’

“Hey, rest of the human population…. We don’t care that much about your stupid game, but we’re going to beat you at it out of pure spite.”

Soccer might not ever fully win the hearts of America, but rubbing a World Cup win into the face of the rest of the Earth would probably be the most American thing that I could imagine.

Everybody grab an American flag and memorize a nationalistic chant. I’ll meet you in Brazil next summer. I don’t know if soccer and I can last through a lifelong relationship, but it’s at least a fun fling to reminisce about.