One Shining Moment

A few years ago, the Scott Van Pelt show had an interesting premise for callers to respond to… Assuming that you have the average amount of athleticism for a grown man, what sport could you compete the longest in before being exposed as a complete fraud?

While a few jokes were made on the air about it, the pressing issues of the day prevented this topic from getting as much attention as it deserved. There are a million armchair quarterbacks out here and they need to know that – given the opportunity – there are at least a couple of professional sports in which you could lie your way into competing for a while.

So, here’s my analysis of how a normal, decently coordinated and in shape person would fare in a few sports worth noting.

FOOTBALL

This one is barely even worth discussing. Most NFL players only qualify as actual human beings in the most basic definition.

My car has a slower 40 time than half of the guys in the league. And that’s not just the receivers and defensive backs. There are 350 pounders out there that are much faster than the average guy could ever hope to be.

Then, there’s the strength of players. If they can’t outrun your car, chances are that they can bench press it. The odds of a regular guy stopping a hard charging running back (even a small, shifty type back) are only good if you view tripping the RB up by strategically positioning your spleen so that it snags one of his cleats strikes you as a viable option.

There is simply no place on an NFL field for anyone of average speed or strength. All of the perfectly run routes in the world couldn’t get your slow ass open for a pass and no amount of fundamental positioning and leveraging would keep a blitzing linebacker from picking you up and using you as a piñata stick against your own quarterback.

VERDICT: If you find yourself on an NFL field, pray that you’re being asked to throw footballs through a hole in a giant Dr. Pepper can. You can’t handle anything else.

BASKETBALL

This is the one sport that really needs a caveat before it can be discussed. The average height of American men is just a shade under six feet. I don’t have Bill Simmons’ 374,500 page basketball bible on hand at the moment, so I’m winging it when I guess that the average height of an NBA player is at least 6’4”. For that reason, we’ll retain the physical abilities of our average Joe, but bump up his size by about half a foot for the basketball comparison.

The biggest thing that a normal guy would have going for him is hustle. The masculinity-run-amok that is readily visible at every street court in America already shows more pride than most NBA players demonstrate in a season. While his jump shot won’t do him any good in the NBA, the ability to run down a few loose balls per game would give his team a few more possessions to actually help his team.

Where normal people would find trouble is in their quickness – or lack thereof. Even if you’re the same height as Kobe Bryant and giving him plenty of room, he’ll blow past you on his way to the rim. If a decent NBA player backs you up into the post, all of your years rejecting the shots of 5’8” doctors and lawyers at your YMCA won’t help when fluid footwork leaves you swatting at air and giving up an easy layup.

Maybe a regular guy could still contribute from the foul line. Most people can shoot better from the free throw stripe than Dwight Howard or Blake Griffen, but actually drawing the foul is a big challenge and chances are that you’re 70 percent clip will go down once 20,000 people start generalizing loudly about your mother’s various sexual conquests.

VERDICT: If you pass the ball quickly, and every time, you might last a few minutes. Sooner or later, the other team will start attacking you on every possession. You don’t have the quickness to stop – or drive past – anyone and Youtube has shown us that there is no shortage of special ed towel managers with a better 3-point shot than you.

HOCKEY

Can the average person even skate well? Do we need to throw in bonus athleticism to even consider hockey? Let’s just pretend that our normal guy is from Minnesota.

Unlike basketball, there are plenty of very good NHL players that aren’t physical freaks of nature. The problem with this is that the smaller you are in hockey, the more your team expects you to weave through defenses and get the puck into the net. That’s not something that the average person has a prayer of doing.

Assuming that you have good teammates, you could benefit from the fact that – like basketball – your team could posses the puck for awhile and be productive without you having to do much more than move around a little and occasionally streak towards the net.

Also working in the average Joe’s favor is the fact that making individual plays in hockey is tougher than in any other sport. With slushy ice late in periods, a frozen puck that doesn’t bounce predictably, rare easy scoring opportunities and the tedious nature of skating on ice in general, the inability of even superstars to make good plays consistently can hide your total helplessness with the puck on your stick.

Finally, there are the short shifts. A lot of forwards are only out there for a minute or so at a time. If the puck mercifully avoids you, you could complete a couple of shifts before you’re forced to handle the puck and a defenseman puts you through the glass and into the second row.

BASEBALL

This is a tough one. On one hand, there’s no guarantee that the ball will be hit to you. You also only have to bat once every 2-3 innings, and even then you might be given a walk that keeps you from ever having to swing. Even if they do throw you strikes, even the best players only get hits about 30 percent of the time and are prone to not reaching base at all in a given game.

It’s entirely conceivable that a normal guy could stand out in right field for an entire game and not have to make a play, then walk twice, strike out looking once, and have a very professional looking contribution to the box score.

Of course, the second a non-baseball player is required to do something, he’s royally screwed. Ground balls are tough for even good players to handle sometimes and fly balls have a tendency to go high enough to make you dizzy and uncoordinated if you aren’t used to tracking them down.

An athletic person could probably make the most routine of plays in the field, but that luck would run out as soon as he stepped into the batter’s box.

You can look professional while failing to avoid an NFL linebacker. You can look professional in putting up a jumper just moments before an NBA player swats it back into your face. There is no way that a regular guy would look anything close to professional in the batter’s box against an MLB pitcher.

The minimum you’re up against is 88 miles per hour with a nasty curve or changeup. The worst that most people have ever stepped in against is a 70 mph pitching machine that never tries to sneak an off-speed pitch past you and isn’t as prone to accidentally sending a pitch straight at your head.

A normal guy – perhaps out of foolishness – might stand in there strong for one pitch. After that, the remainder of his strikeout would be embarrassing enough to make everyone in the stadium uncomfortable just watching it.

VERDICT: The good news is that you don’t have to look like any sort of athlete to put on oversized pajamas and stand around on a baseball field. The bad news is that – after you’ve mastered blowing bubbles, spitting seeds and scratching yourself – all other baseball skills are nearly impossible to even try to fake.

GOLF

Just looking at the stats on paper, golf seems like a promising candidate for a sport that can be faked. After all, more people play golf recreationally than any other sport in America. Surely, all of those times that you’ve snuck off to the range on your lunch break or played 18 holes in lieu of church will pay off if you ever find yourself in the middle of a professional tournament.

Hell. A lot of normal people are even pretty good at the game, despite never playing in college or entering tournaments where they can win money. Go to any large scramble and you’re bound to find a handful of guys with a handicap of 5 or better.

The problem with all of this logic is that golf on the PGA tour isn’t just tougher. It borders on being a completely different game.

The courses are 20 percent longer and twice as undulating. The rough isn’t wispy, 1 ½ inch grass, but a thick, overwatered nightmare that can make your ball disappear. The greens that most of us have played are nothing compared to those at the majors, where pros often practice their putting on gym floors to prepare for the speed.

Now, given the proper equipment, there are plenty of regular guys that can hit it just as far as the pros. An $800 driver and PGA quality fairways can help a lot of people hit the ball 320 yards.

But there’s still the added pressure. Unlike most other sports, a normal guy thrown into a golf tournament can’t try to hide and hope that his teammates pick up the slack. In golf, it’s just you, the course, and a couple thousand eyes (and television cameras) that aren’t usually there during your Sunday morning round at your local club.

VERDICT: If a normal guy were to be put on the 18^th tee at Augusta with a 4-stroke lead in the final round of the Masters, he would never be able to finish it off. No way. Not ever. It’s hard enough to make decent, consistent swings when there isn’t anyone watching. Put a regular person in that situation and the first swing would be so embarrassingly awful that he’d just quit right then, suddenly all too aware of why dad never came to his little league games.

SOCCER

What golf is to the average American Joe, soccer is to the Joses, Jaques and James’ of the world. Even American youths are joining in as the “beautiful game” is the most popular in the country for kids in the 5-12 age range.

As such, it’s pretty tough to find anyone in the world without a basic understanding and skill set for soccer.

But when those basic skills are put up against English Premiere League competition, how do they stand the test?

Well, much like baseball, soccer can be viewed as a lot of standing around and there is no guarantee that the ball will ever come right to you and force you to act like a professional. Sure, there is some running, but most normal guys could put up a couple miles worth of running over the course of two hours.

On the ball, soccer is similar to hockey in that even the best players routinely lose possession and there are very few instances where a player will burst through multiple defenders to create a scoring opportunity.

The real wild card in terms of getting away with suiting up for a pro team is the goalkeeper position. Hockey also has a goalie, but they have to deal with 25-40 shots per game while keeping their balance on skates. In soccer, it’s not unusual for only three or four shots to go on net in a game – with some of those being easy saves for anyone.

VERDICT: If you can run a lot, you could blend in as a midfielder for awhile. If the ball never finds you, no one would know if you are a good forward or not. If you were a defender, you would routinely be made a fool of by guys who know what they’re doing. If you’re a goalkeeper and have a good team, you could take a nap and look like a World Cup talent.

And so, there you have it.

When it comes down to it, there’s a very good reason for why all of our favorite athletes are in the pros while we’re watching them on television and cramming Doritos and our fifth Bud Light down our faces.

No matter the sport, there are ample opportunities for the real pros to embarrass the hell out of you and put you on SportCenter for all of the wrong reasons.

The NBA is just too freakishly talented for you. MLB pitchers will make you wet your pants. The pressure of the PGA is unbearable for anyone not already on tour. The NHL requires too much specific skill. The EPL will expose you as soon as the ball comes close and every NFL player – kickers and punters included – will murder you and everything you love.

A few of those sports might allow you a glorious minute or two of action before you get found out, but once that happens, all of them would immediately make you wish you had never tried to play the sport in the first place.

It’s probably best to just stay off the field altogether and grab another beer.