There is nothing quite like the excitement, madness, stress and joy that the holiday season can bring. From Thanksgiving all the way through New Year's, it seems like a nonstop rush from one party to the next. Also on the docket is plenty of gift giving and 35 different college bowl games.
When you look at it, there are plenty of similarities between the presents we receive and the bowl games that we watch. There are some gems, some useful ones, and some real clunkers. Luckily, you've got my blog to separate all of them.
Let's run 'em down:
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Free food and booze from the
office Christmas Party
This game
is really a bowl in name only. Seriously… it’s not even close to what should be
bowl season. Hell, I’m pretty sure that there were still some Thanksgiving
leftovers hanging around my refrigerator when this game kicked off. But much
like the office party, the fact that it occurs two weeks before everything else
can be excused. One allows us to get back to college football watching after
almost two weeks of downtime. The other lets you get fat and drunk on your
boss’s dime. There’s nothing bad about either of those two situations.
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Fruitcake
The
glorious fruitcake and the Potato Bowl – formerly known as the Humanitarian
Bowl – have become quite the cliché over the years. Just as you can always
count on someone to produce a fruitcake as a gift or dish at a party, there
will always be that random mid-afternoon where you turn on the television and
see a pair of marginal teams playing a bowl game on blue turf in friggin’ Idaho for no good
reason. The downside to this is that these are becoming so outdated that they
are fodder for hipsters – who ruin absolutely everything that is good in life. You
don’t like your gift of a 5-pound brick that is my fruit cake? Don’t you get
that I gave it to you ironically?
Poinsettia Bowl
BYU vs. San
Diego State
Christmas Gift Equivalent: An actual poinsettia, maybe?
That’s a Christmas flower, right?
While the
first two games on the bowl docket have found their niche, this is the first of
what have become far too many ‘just-because’ bowls. Only the die-hard fans of
either school and degenerate gamblers have any interest in this game and the
only reason it even exists is because a sponsor is willing to put up millions
of dollars to put its logo all over a weeknight game. It’s basically a chore to
have to play in this game. It’s like receiving some cheap flowers as a gift. All
it really does is create more of a burden for you to have to reciprocate in
gift giving.
Beef O’Brady’s Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A gift card to a restaurant you
never go to
Ok. Maybe
that’s a cheap shot at Beef O’Brady’s. I’ve never actually seen one? Do they
exist in this part of the country? Actually, some quick Wikipedia searching
shows that there are over 250 of these things. Impressive, I suppose. Less
impressive, however, is the full name of Beef O’Brady’s Family Sports Pubs.
Full families and sports pubs just don’t go together. What if you take the wife
and kids to a midweek lunch and are interrupted by drunks cursing at the Beef
O’Brady’s Bowl (this bowl seems like it probably comes on at 1 p.m. on a
Tuesday most years)? That’s how domestic disputes start.
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Socks and underwear
Another in
what I assure you is an impending onslaught of totally forgettable bowl games
and their complimentary Christmas gifts. As a kid – and as recently as a year
or two ago – I could always count on a half dozen new pairs of socks and
underwear from my parents. Like the New Orleans Bowl, there is some definite
use to this gift, but only in the sense that you’d rather have it than not have
it. Still, it’s a bit of a letdown. Each year, a young Mike would try to save
the best presents for last. It didn’t take me long to recognize the universal
size of clothing boxes from every department store that has ever existed, so I
quickly got those out of the way. But inevitably, I would overlook the socks
and underwear, mistaking their unboxed, amorphous package shapes as something
unique and awesome. That kind of letdown cuts you deep when you’re 10 years
old.
MAACO Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A coupon for any sort of
maintenance or repair
The fact
that the participants of this bowl get a free trip to Las Vegas is awesome, but having a collision
and auto repair company sponsors it is a major letdown. It’s the holidays. I
already spent most of my last paycheck on Christmas presents, but my car –
undoubtedly sensing my bank account’s vulnerability – decided to shut down in
the middle of the road a week before Christmas. Luckily, it was a false alarm
and didn’t cost more than a nice dinner, but it was still a pain in the ass.
Giving a coupon for things like car or home repairs is like asking people to
think of you when life starts hurling 90 mile-per-hour lemons at your skull.
Southern Methodist vs. Fresno State
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A nice shirt or dress that you
have no reason for wearing
A few of my
friends have included me in their weddings as a groomsman and have found deals
to buy nice suits instead of charging me upwards of $200 to sweat inside of a
rental that has already soaked up gallons of desperate bridesmaid tears in its
lifetime. The good news is that I now have some nice suits. The bad news is
that I have hundreds of dollars of clothing hanging around that I have
absolutely no reason to ever wear. The Hawaii
bowl is like hitting the jackpot for whichever two teams get to go. But it’s
far from a top-tier bowl and you know that, deep down, SMU and Fresno State
Little Caesars Bowl
Central Michigan vs. Western Kentucky
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A gym membership
Much like
being forced to eat Little Caesars pizza – or being told to play in Detroit , for that matter
– being gifted a gym membership really seems more like a punishment. In a cruel
parallel to the city’s well-documented economic misfortunes over the last
decade, the participants in the Little Caesars Bowl (or the Motor City Bowl,
which preceded it) often claim that they actually lose money since the bowl
payout is less than the cost of flying the team, coaches and administrators
there and back and putting everyone up in a hotel for a week. Teams with great
traveling fan bases that go to nice bowls in Florida
and Arizona make all of that money back via
ticket sales, but good luck trying to convince people in the Sun Belt to go to Detroit for the new year.
Military Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Pajama pants
At first
glance, there are plenty of things about this game (and pajama pants) to get
excited about. Pajama pants are the ultimate lounging accessory and bowl games
that begin early on a Friday afternoon when you don’t have to work almost feels
like you’re cheating life at something. But the problem with these things is
that they are often taken for granted. It’s easy to lose interest in a game
featuring two teams you’ve never heard of, just like it’s easy to ruin your PJs
by never washing them and leaving them on the bathroom floor. Both will likely
end with you sleeping in a pile of pretzel crumbs.
Belk Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Clothes clearly purchased from a
discount outlet
Look… It’s
not that there is anything wrong with inexpensive clothes. I mean, I’d be hard
pressed to find any item of clothing I own that is worth more than $50 and
isn’t a suit jacket. But there’s also a certain gravitas that comes with giving
clothing as a gift. Feel free to go cheap if you’re buying socks for someone,
but for a button-up shirt or some khakis, you can do better than that shady
store behind the abandoned mall where all those hobos got stabbed last year.
The same goes for this bowl matchup. Don’t give me Cincinnati and Duke, then play it up as a
pair of BCS conference teams locked in a postseason clash. You aren’t fooling
anyone.
UCLA vs. Baylor
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A video game that is too easy to
beat
Back when I
was a kid, I was always a year or two behind the times when it came to video
games. For most of the year, I had to venture over to friends’ houses if I
wanted to play the newest games. But the one thing that I could always look
forward to on Christmas morning was a brand new video game sitting under the
tree. Of course, there were a few occasions where my excitement turned to
disappointment when I had beaten the entire game 48 hours later. That’s sort of
what the Holiday Bowl has become. Years of high-flying, instant classic games
from the 70’s and 80’s built a great reputation for the bowl, but the exploits
of old BYU and Notre Dame teams were a much higher quality than the teams that
make up the Holiday Bowl nowadays. It still advertises offense and plenty of
points, but that’s mainly because the teams in the bowl are now second-rate BCS
schools that can’t play defense.
Armed Forces Bowl
Air Force vs. Rice
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Remote controlled helicopter
I’ll admit
it. Coming up with a present for this one was tough. I was sold on my decision
when they did a helicopter air show before the game and again at halftime.
There was definitely a novelty to this game as Air Force showcased the
always-quirky triple option and Rice – a former option team – is not a normal
bowl invitee. But – as with a toy chopper – the fun only lasts for so long.
Just as sure as Rice and Air Force devolved into a barely watchable game in the
second half, your shoddily built RC helicopter is quickly going to fall victim
to a low-hanging ceiling fan or a hungry family pet.
Pinstripe Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A Yankee candle
Here is a
comprehensive list of sporting events that should EVER take place at Yankee
Stadium. A.) Yankees games B.) Army/Navy
football games C.) Maybe… just maybe,
and NHL Winter Classic in which a team from the US prevails against one of those
evil Canadian squads. Instead, the new Yankee Stadium has decided to whore
itself out and the NCAA, always quick to create another bowl game to appease a
potential sponsor, jumped right in. The result is one of the most recognizable
stadiums in the world hosting a bottom-of-the-barrel bowl game. It’s as lazy
and half-hearted as going to the Hallmark store on Christmas Eve and buying
candles for every female that you haven’t shopped for yet.
Fight Hunger Bowl
Navy vs. Arizona
State
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Box of random chocolates
Does anyone
else find it a bit ironic that, of the two schools playing in the Fight Hunger
Bowl, one is a military institution – famous for its legendarily awful food –
while the other is in the middle of a desert, which is a barren landscape not
unlike those in which all of the hungry people we’re recognizing call home? I
think that it would be incredibly malicious to give those starving children a
box of assorted chocolates. A couple of them will luck out and get solid
chocolate or even the peanut butter ones that are basically Reese’s Cups. As
for the rest, they could be one missed meal away from certain death and I still
wouldn’t blame them for refusing to eat the cherry cordials.
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A new tie
A perfectly
mediocre, yet useful, bowl game/gift combination. There is nothing special
about either of these things, but there is also nothing wrong with them.
Despite not being BCS-caliber teams, Texas and
Oregon State
TCU vs. Michigan
State
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A coupon for 50 wings from
Buffalo Wild Wings
If you
would have told me that TCU and Michigan
State
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A drum set given to a child
This is
just a perfect storm of misguided thinking for all parties involved. On one
hand, you’ve got a bowl game in a not-so-warm climate that isn’t even a tourist
destination at this time of year. Compounding that fact is that one of the
teams playing in the bowl is a hometown school (i.e. – only half of the normal
money from out of town fans coming to the game) and the other is a just barely
bowl eligible team from a just barely BCS conference. As for the gift, come on.
Think a little. In what world is that present a smart thing to give? At least
the headache stemming from the day after the Music City Bowl will only be the
result of a good New Year’s Party.
Sun Bowl
USC vs. Georgia Tech
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Expensive concert tickets to an
overrated band
I like that
we still have a Sun Bowl. Most of the bowls that have retained their names
throughout the years are the BCS bowls and maybe a few others. Sun Bowl is kind
of a dorky name, but so was the Tangerine Bowl and the Citrus Bowl.
Nevertheless, all of those are much better than the
INSERTFLAVOROFTHEWEEKSPONSOR Bowl. While the name is solid in my book, the
teams filling out this year’s Sun Bowl are far from it. USC has gone from
preseason No. 1 to this while Georgia Tech enters the game with a losing
record. The worst part is that even if you want to go see the game, you likely
can’t afford it. It’s probably going to require a plane ride and the ticket
prices are higher than they should be, thanks to the rich alums from L.A. and Atlanta
that are sure to go.
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Reasonably priced concert tickets
to a good band
You say
poor man’s Sun Bowl, I say smart man’s Sun Bowl. Just like that underground
band that hasn’t been discovered yet, the Liberty Bowl combines two decent
enough teams with a pretty cool town. Fans from both schools should be glad to
make the journey. For people that hail from the middle of Oklahoma
and Iowa , it will be worth the while if
they’re interested in seeing cool things like the Mississippi
River , awesome barbeque, or the occasional trees and hills. The
Liberty Bowl is also far superior to the Sun Bowl out in El Paso for everyone who isn’t secretly the
head of a Mexican drug cartel.
Chick-fil-a Bowl
LSU vs. Clemson
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Any religious or
politically-themed gift not intended to be a joke
There is
nothing about this game that isn’t designed to end in a drunken fistfight. Not
only has the CFA Bowl paired two of the most boisterous and irrational fan
bases in the country, but it’s sending these people from the sticks of South Carolina and the backwater swamps of Louisiana to what might
be the first place they’ve ever seen with a building of over three stories. To
top it all off, protestors and supporters alike have already started rumors
about turning the game into a demonstration thanks to that whole Chick-fil-a
kerfuffle from a few months back. Stop throwing me in the middle of your stupid
fighting and let me enjoy staples of the holiday season like the good bowl
games, awesome New Year’s Eve parties, and shamelessly eating five spicy
chicken sandwiches.
Gator Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A huge box of Omaha Steaks
Finally!!!
We’ve made it to the New Year’s Day games!!! There are a few other
football-centric days on the calendar, but like Thanksgiving (forced to talk to
family) and season kickoff/Labor Day parties (spent mainly outside) there is no
reason to do anything other than sit in front of your television for 14 hours.
The out of town visitors have left, you’re probably nursing a hangover from
last night’s festivities and there is enough food and cookies left over to keep
you from venturing out for nourishment for a week. This bowl matchup might not
be the most appealing, but there should be plenty to play for on both sides of
the ball. Northwestern has clawed its way to the fringes of national
recognition in the last few years, but is still looking for its first bowl win
since 1948. Conversely, Mississippi
State
Heart of Dallas
Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: One of those big tins with
different types of popcorn
What is
this? What is a bowl game that has only been around for three years doing in
the middle of the Jan. 1 schedule? And why are Oklahoma State
Outback Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Gift card to a restaurant you do
like
This is
all-around solid. Good teams, great program history, some conference pride on
the line, and all of it going down in a warm weather setting. A week after
Christmas, I can always count on two things. On one hand, I’ll be sick and
tired of eating leftovers and I’m usually one stale Christmas cookie away from
Wilfred Brimley bursting through my door and lecturing me on THE DIABEETUS. On
the other hand, shopping for presents has left me pretty much broke. The
solution to both of these problems are the gift cards to various restaurants
that I have accumulated. These don’t have to be five-star establishments. Just
a couple of meals at Chili’s or the Olive Garden is enough to keep me from
having to subside on ramen. Even if the game or the meal isn’t what it’s
cracked up to be, it will still beat going back for your fourteenth serving of
that week old, spiral cut ham that I think tried to communicate with me the
last time I ate it.
Capital One Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A savings bond from grandpa
There’s
plenty to like about this one. For one, you get to watch a team that was one
play away from playing for the national title. As for the savings bond, I can’t
think of anyone that would shy away from money. But there are also some
concerns. Not only does Georgia
have a mostly unworthy opponent (thanks to most of the Big Ten’s best teams
being on probation) but there are also plenty of people who will speculate that
many of Georgia ’s
NFL-caliber stars won’t give 100 percent since there isn’t much to play for.
Similarly, that savings bond – while nice – isn’t going to do you any good for
about 20 years. But that’s kind of petty to worry about. In the end, you’ll
(eventually) be a little bit richer and you get to watch top teams from two top
conferences.
Rose Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: The newest Call of Duty game
Here come
the best gifts of all as the BCS games get underway late on New Year’s Day
afternoon. The Rose Bowl – like the latest incarnation of the COD series – is
something that is anticipated throughout the year. Both have been among the
biggest spectacles in their respective genres for years and there is no
shortage of fans that will go on for days about how great it is. In the end,
the smashmouth nature of the top Pac-12 and Big Ten teams ranks right up there
with the fun that can be had blowing up enemy choppers with a rocket launcher.
Also a near dead heat between the action on the field and the maladjusted 12
year olds online is how many times the sexual purity of your mother will be
called into question. Good times all around!
Orange Bowl
Northern Illinois vs. Florida State
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A board game
The final
game of the New Year’s Day slate puts Florida
State – a very good team from a
laughably bad conference – up against Northern Illinois
– which is either a great Cinderella story or a mockery of the BCS system,
depending on who you ask. This matchup is a lot like receiving a board game or
some other party game for Christmas. We all know that it won’t be as fun as
advertised, but that’s nothing that a bunch of booze can’t fix. With the New
Year’s Eve hangover worn off and dinner resting comfortably in your stomach,
it’s time to grab a few beers and settle in for one more game. Grab a bunch of
friends and watch NIU either get destroyed or shock the world. If things are
out of hand by halftime, you can always get in a quick game of Monopoly.
Sugar Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Cookware
Cooking
supplies are a solid gift. They don’t have the flashiness of electronics on
gift cards to nice places, but a good set of pots and pans can keep you fat and
happy for a while. The same goes for this year’s Sugar Bowl. Louisville
and Florida don’t have nationally recognized
star power, but they’re both solid and are more than enough to get America through
one of the final nights of college football for the next eight months. Despite
Florida being in the national championship discussion until the final week of
the season and Louisville looking pedestrian on more than one occasion, the
Cardinals have too much talent (and the Gators too many flaws) to sleep on this
one. It might not turn out to be a good game, but even the best cookware will
mess up a meal every now and then.
Fiesta Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: This year’s ‘must-have’ gift
Throughout
the years, there have always been items that have incited riots. From Tickle-Me
Elmos, to Furbys, to bargain-priced TVs, there will always be thousands of
middle-aged moms ready to throw haymakers and put their bodies on the line at 3
a.m. on Black Friday to get the most popular toys. During the 2012 college
football season, there weren’t many teams that were more popular than Oregon and Kansas
State America
should be grateful that the BCS gave it a game that it has wanted all season.
Cotton Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Golf equipment/accessories
You
wouldn’t have to look far to find college football fans who will say that this
year’s Cotton Bowl is a more intriguing matchup than at least one or two of the
BCS games. Oklahoma was only left out of the
BCS because of some fuzzy math and bylaws that guaranteed a spot to Northern Illinois while Texas A&M would have likely
been invited if there wasn’t a limit of two teams per conference. This matchup
is like getting some awesome golf gear as a present. Most of it is a bit too
high-priced to expect others to come through with it as a present, so if you do
get a new driver or some wedges or a new bag, it’s an unexpected thrill. Not
only does the Cotton Bowl get one of the top four or five matchups of the bowl
season, but it even stays true to its roots in getting a former Big XII team to
match up with Oklahoma to reprise a rivalry that otherwise wouldn’t be played
for awhile.
BBVA Compass Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: That pink bunny suit from ‘A
Christmas Story’
This might
be one of the biggest letdowns of all of the bowls. After five straight days of
quality matchups, we’ll all be brought crashing down to reality when the
Compass Bowl is beamed into our living rooms. I’m not sure what is more
surprising – that there is something called a Compass Bowl, or that Mississippi won six
games in a season. As frustrating as this matchup is to look at, I’m afraid
that we’re all going to just have to grin and bear it. Just like Ralphie in the
movies, this matchup was given to us by college football, which we all love. We
have to just roll with it and act like we’re ok. There are only a couple of
games left, so enjoy football while you still can.
GoDaddy.com Bowl
Christmas Gift Equivalent: A donation to charity made in
your name
Really?
Another ‘just because’ game sandwiched in between New Year’s Day and the
national championship? One was bad enough, but this is getting a little bit
ridiculous, NCAA. Now they’re just taking advantage of our country’s insatiable
love of all things football. We can’t complain about more football or you
benefitting a good cause, because we would look like assholes, but come on.
Give us something we can work with over here.
BCS National Championship Game
Notre Dame vs. Alabama
Christmas Gift Equivalent: Cold, hard cash
Boom! It
doesn’t get any better than this. It’s a crisp $100 bill. It’s two teams that
have proven themselves to be the best. It’s a combined 200-plus years of
football tradition. There is absolutely no way to find any sort of fault with
this. This is how you wind down a season, be it football or holiday. If you
really want to whine, you could spout off about your team not playing in the
national title game or no thought being put into the cash gift, but at the end
of the day, you’re better off for having two storied programs playing for a
championship and a little extra padding in your bank account. Just kick back,
soak it all in, and start saving for all of next year’s gifts.
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