USELESS Poll: Week 14

Welcome to this season's final edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Last week’s SEC championship game was built up as a national semifinal and it certainly didn’t disappoint. There was plenty of excitement with big plays, blocked kicks, deep passes and late game heroics. The only down side was having to keep Georgia and Alabama fans from going into their default “These Big XII and Pac-12 games are ridiculous. Whatever happened to defense?” setting that they got stuck in once the scoreboard showed more than 50 points.

Now that all of the bowls are set, we’ve reached the part of the season where polls are no longer necessary, but you didn’t really think that would stop us from doing another one anyways, did you?

1. Notre Dame (did not play) – The Fighting Irish finally made their steadfast insistence of not playing in a conference pay off as they had no conference championship game posing as a final obstacle standing between them and the national championship game. While Alabama and Georgia were building up for their slugfest, Notre Dame had a full week to do whatever it wanted such as taking a break from contact, getting a head start on film breakdown for both potential bowl opponents, hosting a speed rosary praying contest – you know, the usual. After defying its critics all season, Notre Dame has every reason to believe that it can see things through and win the whole thing, but will also have to endure pressure from every fan out there who is counting on it to end the SEC’s streak of national titles.

2. Alabama (defeated No. 5 Georgia 32-28) – Alabama is like the villain in a cheesy horror movie. You can shoot the Crimson Tide. You can stab it, burn it and beat it with a shovel. You can do things to it that will get you red-flagged by the Motion Pictures Association. But you still know that as soon as you turn your back and walk away in victory, BOOM…. Knife in the back. Alabama did it to LSU earlier and nearly pulled the same trick after Texas A&M threatened to run away with their game against Alabama in the first quarter. Georgia had absolutely everything going its way as it ran up a 21-10 lead and seized momentum in front of a pro-UGA crowd. But then Alabama dug itself out of its own shallow grave, waited for UGA to start felling too good about itself and get into an overtly sexual situation with a sexy teen (just roll with the metaphor, everybody) and put that ice pick right between the Bulldogs’ eyes. Alabama now moves on to Notre Dame, but the Tide should look out. If anyone is going to have success with a bunch of vicious undead monsters, it would be a team full of Catholics.

3. Oregon (did not play) – As discussed in last week’s poll, the Ducks really got the short end of the stick. While one-loss Alabama and Georgia were going at it, one-loss Oregon had to watch on television knowing full well that its lack of participation in the Pac-12 title game would keep it out of any national title game discussion. According to the people who have the least to gain by being biased in any way (read: big gamblers in Vegas), the Ducks would be favored against every team but one in the country. The Ducks have the second most entertaining BCS bowl matchup as they face former national title game co-favorite Kansas State, but it will be bittersweet for both teams that are only out of the championship game because of one bad day at the office.

4. Florida (did not play) – Just like the 2011 Alabama squad, Florida was in a great spot last week. The computer polls were absolutely in love with the Gators and Florida didn’t have to play in the SEC championship. Florida was likely to jump whichever team lost the SEC title game in the BCS standings and take up the only remaining BCS bowl slot for the conference despite so many very good teams. Even better for the Gators, they now get to face Louisville, which might bring back memories of the Florida-Cincinnati massacre from a few years back.

5. Stanford (defeated No. 18 UCLA 27-24) – As any coach will tell you, beating a team twice in one season is difficult. Beating the same team twice in six days turned out to be even tougher. Less than a week after the Cardinal railroaded UCLA in the regular season finale, the Bruins almost turned the tables and slipped into the Rose Bowl in the Pac-12 title game. UCLA led for much of the game, but Stanford showed the grind-it-out attitude that has won it 11 games and now gets a chance to win a third consecutive BCS bowl game.

6. Ohio State (did not play) – It must have been more than a little bit awkward for Ohio State to sit and watch at home as a pair of teams that it had beaten by a combined 32 points played for the Big Ten championship. The Buckeye band should have still been allowed to play during the Nebraska-Wisconsin game. Just because the football team broke some rules and was ineligible for the game doesn’t mean that the best band in the land should be left out by default. What if the dot in the ‘i’ would have started “Jump Around” for the Wisconsin fans to begin the fourth quarter of that blowout? That would have been epic.

7. Kansas State (defeated Texas 42-24) – The Wildcats – to put it mildly – really pooped the bed against Baylor to blow their shot at playing for the national championship game. Losing to the nation’s 119^th ranked defense is pretty bad, but at least Kansas State has been able to bounce back. With Oklahoma defeating TCU early Saturday, K-State still had to take care of business against Texas to clinch the Big XII and ensure itself of a BCS bowl. The Wildcats looked like the team that rose as high as No. 2 in the polls as they easily dispatched the Longhorns and that conference title sure came in handy as second place Oklahoma was left out of the BCS party.

8. Georgia (last to No. 2 Alabama 32-28) – Good try, Bulldogs. That was a good effort. Georgia did plenty of things right, but just couldn’t stand up to the relentless onslaught that is Alabama’s power running game. For three quarters, not much more could have gone right for Georgia. A failed fake punt for ‘Bama, a successful fake punt for UGA and a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown built up a cumulative 17-point swing for the Dawgs, but the UGA defensive front just wasn’t quite up to the task over the Tide’s final three drives. Of course, catching passes 20 yards from the sideline with eight seconds left and no timeouts or hope of stopping the clock is also a good way to dash the hopes of your fan base.

9. LSU (did not play) – Between Florida and LSU, it’s incredible how little offense is represented in the final poll of the season. Sure, there are teams like Notre Dame, Alabama and Georgia up there that are more known for their defenses, but they at least possess the ability to put up 30 on most lesser teams. This is just another argument for the cyclical nature of just about everything in life – but especially in college football trends. Five years ago, offense was the key to success. Urban Meyer’s spread option took the country by storm and Florida ran to a pair of titles while most others were left in the dust. Most SEC schools followed suit and Auburn won a title with a good defense, but mostly due to an offense that was almost impossible to slow down. Now, the tide (get it… because Alabama is leading the trend?... We’ll just show ourselves out) is shifting as defense has become the common denominator at the top of the polls. This will probably continue for another year or two, but the big offensive numbers will return as soon as the next big scheme emerges.

10. Texas A&M (did not play) – The Aggies entered SEC play this season with many predicting that their talent – which was usually good enough to be near the top of the Big XII – would struggle in their new home. Throw in a first year coach and a freshman quarterback and a few even predicted disaster. In the end, all that A&M can show is a top 10 ranking, the likely Heisman winner and the title of only team to beat either of the two national title game participants. If the Aggies don’t suffer a sophomore slump, Alabama and LSU can finally look forward to some inter-division competition next season.

11. Oklahoma (defeated TCU 24-17) – The Sooners got to the end of the regular season with a strong finishing kick, but two losses and some BCS bylaws prevented the preseason top-5 team from getting into the BCS. On the plus side, a great rivalry will be renewed in the bowl game as Oklahoma takes on Texas A&M. With all of the conference realignment, it’s been sad to see so many rivalries get broken up. Once the FBS playoff starts, the lesser bowls will become even less relevant, but that is an opportunity to keep some of these old rivalries going. Instead of having conference tie-ins where the No. 3 team from one conference plays the No. 4 from another, why not have the bowl sponsors and locations fight for bowl eligible rivals. How awesome would it be to see teams who hate each other like Pittsburgh and West Virginia get to tangle whenever possible even though they’re no longer conference foes?

12. Florida State (defeated Georgia Tech 21-15) – In what should have been the biggest snoozer of conference championship week, the Seminoles nearly found a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Florida State looked great in racing out to an early lead against Georgia Tech – which sat at 6-6 and was only in the game because Miami is a bunch of filthy cheaters – but then stomped on the brakes. We’re not sure if the Noles started doing something wrong or if Tech’s defense started doing something right, but based on the first 12 games of the season, our researchers are having a hard time proving that it was the latter. Florida States goes from one questionable postseason opponent to another as it now prepares for Northern Illinois in the Orange Bowl.

13. South Carolina (did not play) – Despite welcoming in teams from the mainly defense-oriented SEC and Big Ten, the Outback Bowl usually manages to turn into a shootout. Since 1998, the game has featured 45 points or more on all but three occasions. This year might see a break in the trend as South Carolina takes on Michigan. While the Gamecocks have been doing just fine without Marcus Lattimore, they haven’t been racking up the points. Similarly, Michigan’s Denard Robinson can be one of the most electrifying players in college football, but has been battling injury all year. Both teams have solid defenses and should produce a low-scoring, but fun game.

14. Clemson (did not play) – For Tigers fans looking for a silver lining after that nasty spill Clemson took against South Carolina, we don’t have much help. We suppose you could always look to the fact that because of Northern Illinois bullying its way into the BCS party, an at-large bid wasn’t going to happen for Clemson even if it had finished at 11-1. More good news for the Tigers comes from the latest round of conference jumping that occurred last week. It’s becoming more and more clear that the nation is headed for four superconferences, with smaller conferences full of lesser teams making up the second tier. Despite the ACC’s general awfulness this season, it continues to attract current BCS schools and looks like it will become one of those superconferences.

15. Analyst Hypocrisy (defeating sanity and logic 100-0) – We’ve got to be honest with you, loyal readers. When guys like Kirk Herbstreet started discussing the BCS on the selection show last week, we really thought he was joking. He spent a solid five minutes ripping on Northern Illinois and telling the world how they shouldn’t have gotten in. And Herbie wasn’t the only one to express that sentiment. Excuse us, but didn’t this same sort of whining cause the BCS to change its selection process for non-AQ schools a few years back? And since when is it some team’s fault when it plays the system perfectly. Nobody was complaining when teams like Alabama and Oklahoma got to the national title game without even winning their conference, but suddenly NIU is making a mockery out of football when it wins all of the necessary games and attains the ranking that the BCS says it has to in order to play in the Orange Bowl. Nice try, analysts who are overwhelmingly former players from the types of big schools that NIU is keeping out of the BCS, but we’re not buying it.

16. Northern Illinois (defeated No.17 Kent State 44-37) – Which brings us to the Huskies. Kudos to you, Northern Illinois. For the same reason that the BCS was prepared to let Georgia Tech join the party with a 7-6 record if it had won the ACC title, we’re prepared to look past the Huskies’ loss to Iowa since they won they’re last 12 games and climbed up to No. 15 in the BCS poll. Even if NIU would have lost the MAC championship game, we’d just be having this same argument over Kent State. Either way, the MAC should be happy. Now, it’s down to a race between Conference USA and the Sun Belt to be the last conference to get a team to a BCS bowl.

17. Utah State (did not play) – What a season for Utah State. Those pesky (scrambles through college football encyclopedia) AGGIES sure proved that they are the best team in Utah this season… which is kind of like being the best basketball team in the under-6-feet-tall league, but still something, we guess. Much like Northern Illinois, the Aggies were just a play or two away from going undefeated and possibly throwing their own hat into the BCS ring. Utah State lost twice, but by a combined total of just five points. Still, in the revered tradition of FBS football, we’re going to call this a total fluke and refuse to give Utah State any credit until it keeps up the act for (checks with rep from Boise State) five years.

18. Michigan (did not play) – The Wolverines took a pretty embarrassing and widely televised hit when they got stomped by Alabama in the opening week of the season, but bounced back for a pretty respectable 2012 campaign. Michigan came within one win of representing its division in the Big Ten title game, but not making it there was probably for the best since Wisconsin went Rambo all over Nebraska. But now Michigan has a big hill to climb. Denard Robinson is on his way out and Ohio State was able to roll up a perfect season even while on probation. Michigan will be good again next season, but there is still a long way to climb to get back to the top of the mountain.

19. Louisville (defeated No. 25 Rutgers 20-17) – The Cardinals were the popular pick to represent the Big East in the BCS this season and – despite a rollercoaster ride of a regular season – they were able to do just that, beating Rutgers and breaking the four-way tie at the top of the conference by being the highest ranked team. We expected that kind of convoluted ending to magical mystery tour that has been Louisville this season, but taking down Rutgers on the road, in a nationally televised Thursday night game and with a banged up Teddy Bridgewater was impressive. What would be even more impressive is if the Cardinals find a way to keep up with Florida in the Sugar Bowl.

20. Oregon State (did not play) – The Beavers had a great season, but unfortunately picked the same year as everyone else in the Pac-12 North to give it their best shot. Still, OSU began the year with six consecutive wins – most against quality competition – and rose as high as No. 10 in some polls. But that’s the end of the good news for the Beavers. They always knew that they’d be in a mostly losing battle with Oregon for recruits and media attention, but now Stanford is proving to be a perennial top-10 program. Oregon State will be talented again next season, but it will still enter 2013 as the preseason pick to finish third in its own division unless it can pull some upsets.

21. Boise State (defeated Nevada 27-21) – Ho, hum. Just another double-digit win season for the Broncos. Boise won’t be doing any BCS busting this year, but the Broncos have had 2013 in their sights for a long time now. Boise doesn’t have any big-name non-conference opponents – unless you count Washington – on the docket, but it will be a member of the Big East where a conference title will guarantee a spot in the BCS instead of having to pray that the pollsters will let it in. Of course, it looks like the joke will ultimately be back on the Broncos. They spent five years trying to find a BCS conference that would have them. Boise gets that pleasure next season, but then the playoff kicks in and the Broncos could be back out in the cold as the Big East slowly devolves into WAC: Part II, Atlantic seaboard style.

22. Northwestern (did not play) – The Wildcats finished just third in their division, but still put up a very respectable 9-3 record. Northwestern finished just fifth overall in the Big Ten, but has made out like a bandit with the postseason ineligibility of Ohio State and Penn State. The Wildcats now get to go to the Gator Bowl for their first New Year’s Day bowl game since 2009. Northwestern will have a tall order as it will likely be playing for the Big Ten’s pride. Wisconsin will be a heavy underdog against Stanford and Nebraska got a tough draw in Georgia. If the Wildcats can notch at least one New Year’s Day bowl win for the conference, it should ease some of the laughing in the offseason.

23. UCLA (lost to No. 7 Stanford 27-24) – Managing a 15-point turnaround in just a week’s time against the same opponent is something to be proud of. Unfortunately, that still wasn’t quite enough for the Bruins. Still, UCLA has plenty to be proud of as it came within four points of earning a legitimate spot in the BCS as opposed to last season when – as the 2011 version of this year’s Georgia Tech – the Bruins came within a win of being a 7-6 team that had drunkenly stumbled into one of the five biggest bowl games of the year. Personally, we here at the USELESS Poll are excited. That kind of turnaround will guarantee a new coach like Jim Mora Jr. will get plenty of time in the media. Now that Doug Gottlieb is in his new job out in Los Angeles, maybe the two can reunite and nearly come to blows again.

24. Tulsa (defeated Central Florida 33-27) – The Golden Hurricane turned in one of the most exciting games of the weekend as they took Central Florida to overtime and punched in a touchdown to clinch the Conference USA championship. Tulsa has actually been a perennial power in the conference for quite some time now. Four of the last five seasons have seen the Hurricane record nine or more wins, but they never quite make it into the national discussion. Our best guess is that this is because of their undesirable location. When Boise State has a great year, the entirety of the West Coast media rallies behind the Broncos to make sure that they get their shot. The same would undoubtedly happen if a school from the Northeast made a Cinderella run. But then there is Tulsa. Stuck right in the middle of flyover country, what little media that exists out there is sucked up by Oklahoma and Oklahoma State.

25. Wisconsin (defeated No. 14 Nebraska 70-31) – Excuse me… Wisconsin… Yeah, you. Weren’t you ranked around the top-10 at the beginning of the season? And didn’t you pretty much forget how to play football for the first month or so of the season? Yeah. We thought so. Hey, quick question. WHAT IN THE HELL WAS THAT?!?! Where has that been all season? We were going to put you in the final poll on the grounds of simply being a BCS conference champion, but that little performance may have just convinced us that you actually are a top-25 talent. I guess that anybody could win 11 or 12 games and get into a BCS game. You crazy-ass Badgers just decided to challenge yourselves and see if you could get in at 8-5, didn’t you? Well played, Wisconsin.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Nebraska, Texas, Kent State

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: San Jose State, Oklahoma State

Well… It’s been a good run, everybody. This is the final USELESS Poll of the season, but we might still have something in store before the bowl games get fired up. Don’t forget to keep an eye out for the regular blog posts, which will cover pretty much everything else in the sporting world.