From Out of Left Field

Saturday, April 26, 2014

A Golf Guide for the Masses

After an absolutely brutal winter – yes northern friends, it sucked down south as well – I think we’ve finally turned the corner and will have steady heat and prolonged sunshine for the next few months. That can only mean one thing: golf season is officially here.

For readers in and around the Statesboro area, you might soon be making your first trip to Georgia Southern’s new track. The course opened up in October, but – since many of us are sane and don’t try to golf when it’s 50 or below – many area golfers are just now getting their first crack at what is a pretty challenging 18 holes of play.

Seeing as how the course underwent a complete overhaul from its previous existence as Southern Links, one of my only complaints about the course is the lack of some sort of strategy guide. With fast, undulating greens, tons of deep bunkers, and water on two-thirds of the holes, it would be great for people to have some crib notes on how to attack the course.

But there’s also a bit of a challenge to laying out such a battle plan. I’ve played plenty of nice courses that offer tips on the scorecard. Some even have a GPS screen on the cart that will help you strategize given your location. That’s all well and good, but – without fail – every one of these guides I have come across has tailored its advice to the abilities of a pro-level golfer, of which I rarely see whilst hacking my way to a gentleman’s 92 at a random public course.

Now I’m gong to do the GSU course a favor. No… Two favors. After playing the course a handful of times and shooting both good scores and embarrassingly bad ones, I’m here to offer up some tips for the best and the worst of us.

So dust off the clubs, put a few sleeves of balls in the bag, and get ready to experience 18 holes of fun at Georgia Southern University Golf Course at University Park. Hole distances listed from both White and Navy tees. All other distances (probably poorly) estimated. Perceived ease or difficulty of some holes heavily influenced by my own glorious triumphs and/or tears of unfathomable sadness.

No. 1

Par 5

488/527

Good Golfer

I’ve always enjoyed opening with a par 5. As a sometimes straight and usually long driver of the ball, there’s nothing like a par 5 to potentially jump start a good round with a birdie or par. Trees line both sides of a wide fairway, with a pond short and right off the tee box that won’t factor into play. Much more threatening is a fairway bunker at the corner of the slight dogleg right. The bunker is a long ways from the tips, but is reachable from closer tees and makes reaching the green in two out of the question if you should find yourself in it. Shorter hitters can still create a great birdie opportunity with a straight drive and a solid second shot short of the green. The approach requires accuracy as bunkers and steep slopes make a missed green a very tough par save.

Bad Golfer

Hey. Remember how you read the ‘Good Golfer’ post first? (I know you did. It’s good to have goals and dreams) Anyways. Remember how that pond off the first tee isn’t in play? Well it is for you. It’s a cruel joke played by the groundskeeper. It literally couldn’t be in a more perfect spot for the weak right-handed slice that so many golfers battle. The good news is that the rest of the hole is still quite manageable. Even a water ball can still be turned into an acceptable score for a high handicapper.

No. 2

Par 4

367/396

Good Golfer

As inviting as No. 1 is, the second hole throws you into a challenge that is far more representative of the day you’re in for. The fairway isn’t as inviting as the first hole and tee shots breaching the tree line on either side will likely be unplayable, if not lost forever. Another fairway bunker challenges drives up the right side, but favoring that side of the fairway provides the optimal angle for run-up shots into a very undulating green.

Bad Golfer

The tee at No. 2 provides plenty of great views. That will come in hand as a fun distraction while you and your playing partners spray plenty of unplayable tee shots into a fairway that is harder to hit than it seems. Things get no easier after that as a slight uphill approach will likely end in discovering greenside bunkers. Be careful in blasting out of these traps. Solid contact is what you’re usually lacking, but if you accidentally find it out of a bunker, you’ll likely be in a backyard somewhere.

No. 3

Par 4

327/368

Good Golfer

A classic risk/reward hole. Three fairway bunkers begin on the right side and jut out into the middle of the hole’s natural path. End up in any of them and you can pretty much eliminate any birdie (and most par) thoughts. A fairway wood or hybrid tee shot just left of the middle bunker will still be plenty to leave a short – but uphill – approach. No. 3 is the first of many holes where knowledge of pin placement is crucial. The two fall-lines that separate the green’s three tiers are both extreme and ending up on the wrong level can easily lead to a three-putt or worse.

Bad Golfer

For the second consecutive hole, there aren’t any inviting places to aim a tee shot. In addition to the fairway bunkers, OB guards the right side. Short and left is safe, but also lengthens the hole considerably. It really doesn’t matter how you get yourself to the green. Given the severe breaks and the ability to turn a 3-fott putt into an ensuing 12-footter, it’s entirely likely that you’ll register more putts than full shots on this hole.

No. 4

Par 3

132/157

Good Golfer

The first short hole on the course – under the right conditions – is a prime candidate for a birdie. No matter what tees you’re playing from, a 40-foot drop from tee to green will require no more than a 9-iron or wedge to reach. Even shots landing short are helped by a hardpan in front of the green that will funnel high shots onto the putting surface. The one defense of this hole is a windy day. Tall pines on three sides of the tee box might minimize effects of any wind, but the elevated tee also ensures that all tee shots will rise above the trees and be subjected to unforeseen gusts.

Bad Golfer

Two brutal tee shots give way to a friendly one as even miss-hits should be able to bounce downhill toward the green. The course’s generosity continues at this green is larger and flatter than most you’ll see all day. It’s entirely possible that a bad tee shot and an iffy chip could still lead to par. If that happens, you’ll probably have the urge to call it a day and end on a good note. Bad news. You’re now a good half-mile from the clubhouse. Might as well keep on grinding.

No. 5

Par 4

340/387

Good Golfer

The top-rated handicap hole on the course doesn’t offer many options to even the most skilled golfers. Another downhill tee shot requires a carry of at least 200-ish yards to clear a pond that is fed by a stream which continues further up the hole along the right side. The water again branches out into a wide hazard at about 260 yards and will prevent big hitters from going with the driver off of the tee. The landing area of the fairway is completely boxed in by OB running all the way up the left side. A well-placed tee shot is only half the battle as the approach shot must be played over the second pond while also carrying a large upslope to an elevated green with a false front. Another challenging green with many subtle breaks makes every shot on this hole a thought-provoking one.

Bad Golfer

Upon reaching the tee to No. 5, take two balls out of your bag and mail them to the blog. (Pre-paid return boxes delivered upon request!!!) since you’ll just lose them forever if you try to challenge any of the obstacles impeding your first shot. Go ahead and just walk up to the edge of the first pond and fire away. While the landing area just over the second pond does nothing for birdie and par seekers, this is a solid bailout spot since a 200-plus yard shot, uphill and with bunkers, slopes, and water everywhere, isn’t really in your bag of tricks. If you do better than a bogey on this hole, go ahead and save the scorecard.

No. 6

Par 4

317/377

Good Golfer

The toughest hole on the course gives way to a much more manageable one with this short par 4. Well… it’s manageable so long as you get off the tee. A huge lake runs the entirety of the left side of the hole with little rough to slow shots rolling close to the water. Trees and OB also line the right side, but both can be avoided without too much trouble by a straight drive. Just about any ball in the fairway provides a good look at the green. Water juts into the fairway short and left of the green and a bunker lies just beyond the water. Any pin tucked behind those two hazards is difficult to shoot at, but the center and right portions of the green are relatively easy approaches and the green itself doesn’t have many treacherous putts in it.

Bad Golfer

This tee shot seems intimidating, yet doable. No one likes seeing so much water and so many trees lined up in the general direction of where they’ll be hitting, but the fairway is reasonably wide. So account for your slice, aim halfway out into the lake – and promptly hit the always-unexpected straight ball. It’s cool. We’ve all been there. The bonus is that those straight balls, while never retrievable, are always long and majestic. A couple of punch shots and a decent putt or two can still save you from total disaster on this hole.

No. 7

Par 3

182/220

Good Golfer

The longest par 3 on the course provides a big challenge for even good golfers if they don’t have the ability to hit high and soft approaches with their long irons or hybrids. The lake from No. 6 isn’t a threat just in front of the tee box, but any shots falling short and left are in danger of finding the drink and forcing a very difficult shot from the drop zone. Missing right of the green is also potentially disastrous as a tall oak prevents high pitch shots into a two-tiered green. Even for accomplished golfers, par should be celebrated on this hole.

Bad Golfers

All things considered, it might not be the worst idea to pull driver and try to blast past all of the danger (and the green) on this hole. Elevation changes and tough bunkering over the first six holes have already proven that even your short game is susceptible to this course. With a green sloping from back to front, a long tee shot isn’t going to make a great score likely, but on such a long par 3 with so many perils lying in wait, it’s the safest way to make sure you aren’t just reaching the green on your sixth shot.

No. 8

Par 4

326/381

Good Golfers

This hole has potential birdies and pars within it, but will only give them up with critical thinking and great execution on the first two shots. The large lake runs up the left side and turns the green on this hole into a peninsula. Long hitters can carry the lake from shorter tees. From the tips, clearing the water is still possible, but holding the green or the fairway short of it – which runs at a perpendicular angle to the tee box – is very unlikely. For good bunker players, a trap just right of the green is a good target that can lead to a sand-save birdie. Shorter hitters have many more things to consider. Any drive over 220 or so can run through a fairway that takes a 90-degree left turn towards the green. Anyone aiming at the corner of the dogleg created by the lake is also at risk of bouncing into a drainage ditch of rocks and water that splits the fairway about 100 yards short of the green. For long and risky golfers, a birdie and a double bogey are equally likely.

Bad Golfer

This hole seems to be a perfect storm. You learned your lesson on No. 6 with that straight ball right into the lake. Now, the same lake again guards the left side and you have a great view of your previous demise on the sixth hole. You take dead aim toward the dogleg in anticipation of having figured out this game and hitting another straight drive – and promptly slice it into the mounds on the right side. It’s not so bad, all things considered. You’re still high and dry. But the lake is still in play and numerous swales on the right side of the green are still presenting big challenges for a wayward approach. The best bet might be to hit your drive, then use nothing but wedges and a putter on your way in to minimize water balls.

No. 9

Par 5

460/504

Good Golfer

Similar to the opening hole of the day, the ninth is a short-ish par 5 that can lend itself to some low scores. A decently wide fairway opens itself up to swinging from the heels for a big drive and – while a bit uphill – the second shot holds the possibility of finding the green even from the back tees. A wayward shot can be recovered from without too much creativity so long as it doesn’t come to rest in front of one of the dozens of pine trees up both sides of the fairway. The real teeth of this hole are in the putting surface. Much like No. 3, there are three distinct levels of the green falling from back to front. A knob on the tiny back-left corner of the green is an even higher fourth tier if the greenskeeper is in an especially bad mood. Getting on the green in regulation isn’t the tricky part. The key is getting to the back nine in the fewest putts possible.

Bad Golfer

For the first time in an hour or so, you can really swing free and easy with the driver off of the tee. Wide enough left will leave you in the first fairway with plenty of windows to punch back onto No. 9. If you go way right, just walk until you find a similar heavy slice from the driving range and trade for the first ball you stumble across. As you near the green, it’s very important to think a bit more critically than high handicappers are used to. The green is a challenge for even great golfers and can be an absolute nightmare for one who isn’t adept with the flat stick. It’s almost better to chip up to/around the green until you reach the desired tier than it is to attempt to putt up or down any of the devastatingly steep ridges.

No. 10

Par 4

313/342

Good Golfers

Much like the first hole, No. 10 eases you into things and can be a great scoring opportunity. Distance and control on a blind drive are crucial as too much length off the tee can run through the fairway (and possibly OB) while a shot leaking to the left will find a huge cross bunker. A fairway wood off the tee is plenty to still ensure a short wedge shot into the good-sized green. Distance control on the approach is again important as a large ridge in the middle of the green can easily turn a potential birdie opportunity into a scramble for par.

Bad Golfers

Great news…. After looking at every possible angle, there is no good reason why you should be able to lose a ball off the tee at No. 10. There is rough to the left, the aforementioned bunker far ahead, and dozens of innocent cars parked off to the right, but you should definitely be able to play your second shot a good ways away from the tee. If your tee shot doesn’t hit the large bunker, it should be much easier to avoid with your next shot. But you’ll probably manage to get intimidated and bounce one in there anyways. It’s OK. Lots of us could use a good workout and raking an acre’s worth of sand is a great start.

No. 11

Par 5

501/537

Good Golfers

A rolling dogleg left makes up the course’s longest hole. The fairway provides plenty of room on a slightly uphill tee shot, but water guards the inside of the dogleg while OB hangs on the right along with a pair of bunkers at the top of the hill. Reaching the green in two is possible only for long hitters. Lay up shots have plenty to aim for, but the optimal placement is on the left side of the fairway as a large tree 75 yards short of the green blocks many approach angles from the right side. This hole is rather straightforward and still holds birdie opportunities, but one bad shot here can lead to more lost strokes than on other par 5’s.

Bad Golfers

Much like the drive on No. 2, this tee shot is deceptively hard. Decently straight hitters shouldn’t have too much of an issue, but those fighting any sort of constant slice or hook will be intimidated by the narrowest driving chute on the course and immediately overcorrect whatever they perceive to be their problem. Second shots for high handicappers should be uncomplicated as it takes a lot of loft and distance to find much trouble once you make it to the top of the hill. You may well make it to the green in a decent amount of strokes, but a huge putting complex with many ridges and valleys can still pose plenty of problems.

No. 12

Par 3

159/184

Good Golfers

One of the most aesthetically pleasing holes at GSU serves as the first par 3 on the back nine. A small pond in between tee and green shouldn’t serve as a threat and a wide green is also deep enough to hold even low iron shots coming in. The green isn’t the most difficult to hit, but missing it can carry steep penalties. A sharp slope and deep bunkers guard the front of the green while shots missing to the right can run towards the tree line and those to the left can end up with a tight lie. Players should aim to simply get on the putting surface and look for a two-putt par.

Bad Golfers

The scenery that good golfers enjoy is a disaster waiting to happen for the shakier ball strikers out there. Despite the decent depth of the green, the hill leading up to the green complex keeps you from seeing much of it. Because of this, prepare to overswing – hitting behind the ball and depositing another ball into the pond that the ‘Good Golfer’ in front of you wasn’t even concerned with. From there, it’s (literally) an uphill struggle as you try to pitch up onto the green. Make sure to rake the greenside bunker… for all three of those shots from the sand.

No. 13

Par 4

378-440

Good Golfer

One of the least defended holes on the course is a bit long from the tips, but can still surrender low scores. Driving accuracy is once again key as heavy woods run the length of the left side and OB borders the right. Yet – as is common at GSU – there is enough width to the fairway to forgive tee shots that are only slightly off-center. The green is also rather docile, offering no huge knobs or ridges to contend with. The only real place for the flagstick to hide is directly behind a shallow bunker guarding the front right side of the green.

Bad Golfers

This is a great hole to work on your social interactions. If you suffer from that all-so-common right-handed slice, your first and second (and possibly third, fourth, and so-on) shots are in imminent danger of ending up in a back yard. We don’t recommend that you play that shot (it’s OB), but there are plenty of friendly dogs and homeowners that can take pity on you and let you pillage their property to reclaim your ball. After all, we’re getting late in the round and you only brought so much ammo.

No. 14

Par 4

404/427

Good Golfers

Just as the round starts to wind down, the par 4’s begin to show a lot more fight. A semi-blind tee shot awaits at No. 14 and will require a slight fade for righties to work around a large dogleg right unless you want to take the straight route and challenge a large pond on the right side with tall pines guarding the reemergence of dry land. Any drives missing left or powering through the dogleg might find short grass near the fairway on No. 10, but the next shot will be blocked by several trees. The green slopes a good bit from back to front, but has no big ridges and can give you a fighting chance on longer putts.

Bad Golfers

Give your driver a break and go with the hand wedge for a few shots. Anything without solid distance and good direction spells doom off the tee on this hole. You could hit your first one into the pond and hope that your next drive or two finds better results. On the other hand, three or four solid throws will get you past the pond and headed downhill towards the green. Watch out for the right side of the green. There isn’t much room to miss and you could potentially find Golf Club Rd. Not to worry though. The Constitution clearly states that oncoming traffic must yield to people playing foolish pitch shots from the middle of a two-lane road.

No. 15

Par 5

451/507

Good Golfer

A wide open fairway invites everyone to let it ride on the final par 5 of the day. OB exists in the form of backyards on both sides of the fairway, but only severely mishit shots will stray that far offline. Even from the tips, this green is reachable in two. But no matter how big of a drive you hit, the same problem presents itself in the form of a 50-yard wide lake just a few yards in front of a slightly elevated green. For those confident enough to clear the water with their second shot, even a missed green can catch a good lie and turn into an up-and-down birdie. Those laying up can also get into the hole in four strokes as a short third shot approach will be received by a large green.

Bad Golfer

There are more opportunities to test the structural integrity of local housing on this hole, but the vast majority of drives should stay in play. When approaching your second shot, take a good hard look at the green some 200-odd-yards away. Know that professionals wouldn’t even consider the water hazard before peppering the green with lawn darts. Ponder the fact that this is what they call ‘golfing’ and wonder if what you’re currently doing still qualifies as the same. Now, take out your fairway wood and crush one that falls short into the water. Sure, you lose a ball and a stroke. But you got it about 90 percent as far as a pro would have. Embrace that confidence. Try not to let the 8 you put down on the scorecard affect that confidence.

No. 16

Par 3

167/197

Good Golfer

Any solid round is about to get a run for its money as a brutal three-hole stretch rounds out your day. This hefty par 3 is under 200 yards, but plays 20 feet uphill and often straight into a prevailing wind. Deep bunkers and steep slopes combine with a two-tiered green to punish any tee shot that can’t find the putting surface. Given the length of the hole, pin placements near the back of the green are a bit easier to fire at, but simply hitting the green and walking away with par is a solid strategy.

Bad Golfer

It might be best to just think of this hole as a really short par 4. Sure, there isn’t any fairway to speak of, but staring down three greenside bunkers on a long uphill shot is too much to concern yourself with. Pick the right club for your distance and swing away. With any luck, your particular brand of malady will show itself and safely steer your ball away from the green and all the perils that surround it. From there, just worry about getting onto whichever portion of the green looks the most inviting and figure out the tricky breaks after your first putt or two.

No. 17

Par 4

401/450

Good Golfer

A long par 4 with plenty of potential pitfalls serves as the penultimate hole on the course. No. 17’s length is partially negated by a downhill drive, but the initially wide fairway eventually narrows and can send right-leaning shots bounding into rough or – for long hitters – headed straight towards another lake. The fairway continues to narrow as it approaches the green, which breaks away from the fairway at a 45-degree angle. A shot from the left side of the fairway can get to the green without crossing over water, but the slope of the fairway makes that sort of tee shot placement very difficult. A run-up shot towards the left side of the green is optimal as it takes water out of the equation and can use the landscape to run towards the center of the green.

Bad Golfers

Your round might already be shot, but here’s a chance to have some fun! Once again, there are plenty of houses lining the left and right sides of this fairway. One of those houses belongs to a personal friend of this blog. If you can shank your drive into his backyard, catch his attention, and bring up this blog, you’re entitled to one drink of your choosing from out of his refrigerator. From there, it’s best not to challenge the water running up the right side as you approach the green. Get to the left of the fairway if you can’t make it to the green with your second shot and give yourself a straightforward chip or pitch to the pin. After finishing, if you’ve correctly identified the house of our friend, feel free to tee up your ball and send him a souvenir to thank him for the free drink. Actually… Don’t do that. Because you’re in the ‘Bad Golfer’ category, and aiming at that particular house would likely endanger every other house on the block.

No. 18

Par 4

394/449

Good Golfers

A solid round will get one more stiff test as you attack the final hole on the course. There is another forgivingly wide fairway to aim for off the tee, but long hitters must beware of that pond from way back on No. 1 as it creeps in off the right side. The water shies away well before the green, taking some of the danger out of the approach, but birdie seekers will have to put their second shot on the right level of a two-tiered green with a drastic ridge running from back-left to front-right.

Bad Golfers

Last hole of the day. Can’t hold anything back. Alright… Now that you’ve overswung and topped your tee shot into the wasteland just past the tee box, just tee another one up. You might see your ball, but it’s better to pick it up later than to contest with mud and tough grass while trying to play out of it. Once getting your ball into the fairway, a poetic end to your day is likely as the pond you shanked into on No. 1 awaits a poorly struck approach on this final hole. Stare down your enemy, learn from your previous mistakes, and wisely hook one into the cart barn up the left side. Thank the employees there for your day of enjoyment on the links before punching up to the green and mercifully ending your day.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

USELESS Poll: Week 14

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Holy freaking crap… We take one week off to celebrate Thanksgiving and all hell breaks loose. For the first time since last December, a team that is not Alabama sits atop the USELESS Poll.

There is an easy road for the rest of this season to play out. There are still two BCS conference teams that are unbeaten who can make the selection into the national title game an easy call. But there is always the looming threat of chaos during conference championship week. It would seem only fitting if the final season of that wacky ‘ol BCS system that has caused nothing but trouble for 15 years gave us one more year of anarchy in the final poll of the season.

Well, here we go. One more crack at the top 25 before the bowl matchups shake out.

Florida State (defeated Florida 37-7) – Normally, it’s slow and steady that wins the race. Instead of that time-tested method, the Seminoles have opted for constant ass kickings and have saved some of their most impressive performances for their biggest games. Florida State has beaten all 12 of its opponents by 14 or more points and has allowed more than 14 just twice all season. While the ACC is far from a juggernaut of a conference, it’s still no small feat to be that consistently dominant. Selfishly, we’re hoping that this whole Winston kerfuffle is somehow blown out of proportion. In no way would we want football to stand in the way of justice, but it also sucks that one of the most dominant runs in recent memory is being tainted.

Ohio State (defeated Michigan 42-41) – If Michigan would have pulled off that two-point conversion, it may have gone down as the biggest rivalry game upset in history. Sure, there are plenty of other games where there has been a greater disparity in wins for each team, but rarely could an upset have cost the favorite more. For those who delight in the time-honored practice of schadenfreude, there could be no better win on the calendar than to cost your sworn rival an unbeaten season and a chance to play for a national title. In fact, in the instance that your team is unable to finish above its biggest rival in the standings, we suggest that you actively root for said rival to continue winning so as to worsen the blow when your school takes down those cocky bastards from state/tech/A&M/etc. at the end of the season. Good try, Michigan. You almost played that one perfectly.

Auburn (defeated No. 1 Alabama 34-28) – Auburn fans: please don’t take this the wrong way. You absolutely deserve this spot in the poll, regardless of some less-than-incredible things you’re about to read concerning your team. Remember all that talk of dominance given to the Seminoles a couple of spots above you? Yeah. It’s weird, but the Tigers have managed to be just as deserving for consideration in the national championship game despite having more than a few fatal flaws just waiting to put an end to their dream. The Tigers still don’t have much of a passing game that doesn’t involve bouncing the ball off of several defenders first and Auburn’s average of 27.5 points per game allowed vs. opponents from BCS conferences hardly portrays itself as a national title contender. And yet, here we are. Of course, there’s still the little matter of beating…

Missouri (defeated Texas A&M 28-21) – It’s a good thing kickers are so forgettable or else Mizzou’s halfway football player with a weird number and a special shoe might be catching some flak. If not for whatshisname (not bothering to look it up since Bama fans with Twitter accounts are making us feel bad for kickers all of a sudden) missing two kicks in regulation and doinking another off the uprights in overtime against South Carolina, the Tigers would be assured of a spot in the national championship game with a win over Auburn this week. That said, Missouri still has a good chance of playing for the title if Ohio State loses the Big Ten championship game. Do you suppose the ‘old man football’ insults will stop if the rest of the SEC realizes that Missouri is its best chance to bring home another national title?

Oklahoma State (did not play) – Speaking of close losses coming back to haunt a team, at least Missouri’s setback came against a very good South Carolina squad. The Cowboys could easily be sitting at No. 2 if not for an inexplicable loss to West Virginia back in September. And inexplicable is about the only way to describe it. Sure, huge underdogs win a few games every season, but it’s usually due to a couple of big special teams plays or crippling turnovers or flat-out bad luck. Oklahoma State simply didn’t show up one day two months ago and got walked up and down the field by a thoroughly mediocre Mountaineer squad. The Cowboys arguably deserved to play in the national championship game two years ago after winning the Big XII, yet watched as an Alabama squad that didn’t even play in the SEC title game was pushed ahead of them. This season, Okie State simply blew its shot and it will take a miracle to get the nod.

Alabama (lost to No. 4 Auburn 34-28) – Forget the dropped passes, turnovers, missed assignments and all of the other normal scapegoats for a loss. There is only one place your finger should be pointing if you’re looking to cast blame for the Crimson Tide’s year-long reign of terror at the top of the USELESS Poll coming to an end. That’s right. We’re looking at you, Nick Saban. There’s no other option. When you spend every waking moment of your non-coaching time doing your best Bill Belichick impersonation and talking down to anyone with football-related questions, you get no slack when something (even something as fluky as a 109-yard missed field goal return) goes wrong. You’re the guy who looks pissed after winning the crystal ball at the end of the year. You’re the guy who is on the record complaining that the long lead up to bowl games interferes with recruiting. If you’re so insistent on showing no joy in your job and trying to sell us on your 25-hour workday, there’s no escaping blame for last week’s loss. If you want to be a football robot, you have to see those 109-yarders coming.

Preseason hopes and dreams (defeating the cold, harsh reality of the oncoming winter) – We here at the USELESS Poll love chaos. In fact, we actively root for it most of the time. But there comes a point where only so much more can happen. There are still a handful of conference championship games left to be played and who knows what weird ideas the computers will come up with in the final poll of the season. That said, it’s impossible to imagine any sort of scenario where any team other than one of the top six teams in this week’s poll will find itself in the national championship game. To everyone else, thanks for playing. Pick up a lower-tier bowl game swag-bag on your way out.

Michigan State (defeated Minnesota 14-3) – The Spartans seem to like toying with the emotions of the typical college football fan. Back in September, Michigan State dropped a close game to Notre Dame and thus infuriated the kinds of people who have nothing better to do than to rehash their ‘Notre Dame is always overrated and always gets lucky’ diatribes. But now Sparty has a chance to win back a large chunk of the college-football-loving public. You can’t walk a block these days without tripping over someone screaming about how Ohio State shouldn’t be in the national championship game. We assume that the years of saying no to teams like Boise State and TCU has lost its luster and some folks now feel it’s necessary to find bigger, more storied programs to try and take down via the strength of schedule argument. If MSU pulls off the upset this week, they’ll have a bunch of new fans that will love them until its time for them to criticize the Spartans’ Rose Bowl berth because of their weak schedule.

Stanford (defeated Notre Dame 27-20) – The Cardinal are in a weird spot right now. Immediately following their upset of Oregon, they were cast as the dark horse of the national title hunt, waiting to pounce as soon as a top team fell. And yet that lasted just a week as USC jumped up and dealt Stanford its second loss to take away any hopes of hoisting the crystal ball. Stanford looked like it was going through the motions a bit last week in letting an outmatched Notre Dame squad hang around all day. If the Cardinal don’t get their act together in a hurry, they’ll wake up this weekend to find they’ve been so busy feeling sorry for themselves that they no longer even have another BCS bowl to look forward to.

South Carolina (defeated No. 6 Clemson 31-17) – Absolutely nothing went according to plan in the SEC East this season. Once everything shook out, it was South Carolina that ended up getting the harshest break. The Gamecocks have looked like a top-5 team in at least half of their games this season, but managed to trip up at Tennessee and was one of the few teams to face Georgia before every single able-bodied college-aged male in Athens got injured. South Carolina extended its long winning streak over hated rival Clemson last week, but it seems clear (to everyone who isn’t a Clemson or Carolina fan) that these teams are one in the same. It just doesn’t matter how things play out over the course of a season. At the end of the day, both of these schools – sometimes through no real fault of their own – are going to wind up falling juuuuust short of greatness. Don’t take our word on it, just go find a fan of either of these 10-2 teams and ask them how much they’re going to enjoy their generic, Florida-based, noon kickoff on New Year’s Day.

Northern Illinois (defeated Western Michigan 33-14) – If the Huskies aren’t careful, they’re going to start angering all of the curmudgeons that have just settled down after raging against that string of great Boise and TCU teams. If NIU can take home the MAC championship game for a second consecutive season, it will be heading to another BCS bowl. Sure, the Huskies didn’t look good in last year’s Orange Bowl, but most of that team has matured and is ready to prove itself. Let’s also keep in mind that Northern Illinois looked so bad last year against a Florida State team that has been giving encore performances of that game for the last three months. If nothing else, NFL teams should take a good look at NIU quarterback Jordan Lynch. The league already counts established quarterbacks from the ranks of Eastern Illinois, Miami of Ohio, Delaware, Utah, and Nevada. Those guys have never had anything come easy, so they seem to take the increased pressure of NFL defenses in stride.

Baylor (defeated TCU 41-38) – The magic may be gone from the Bears’ Cinderella run, but the points are still piling up. With the BCS games being anyone’s guess at this point – and assuming that only the Big XII champion will go to a BCS bowl – whichever bowl that lands Baylor could set itself up for an entertaining matchup. Our dream matchup would be a Holiday Bowl featuring the Bears and Oregon. First one to 100 wins and both teams have to change up their uniform after every score.

Arizona State (defeated Arizona 58-21) – The Sun Devils managed to make it through the entire regular season playing the fame game perfectly. Arizona State got a bit of a break early in the season when officials prevented Wisconsin from attempting a chip shot field goal that would have won the game. Since then, the Devils have managed to fly below the media storm that has focused on the big wins and devastating losses of Oregon and Stanford. When focus has wandered toward the Pac-12’s South Division, the coaching drama at USC has continued to keep ASU from feeling too much heat from interested viewers. Arizona State dropped just one game in conference play and – facing a downtrodden-looking Stanford squad in the conference title game this week – could clinch its first ever BCS bowl bid.

Oregon (defeated Oregon State 36-35) – There are so many ways to look at the Oregon Ducks. On one hand, they’ve proven themselves to be an irresistible force that can run up 50-plus points at a moment’s notice. On the other, there have been reports of Oregon players wallowing in another blown chance at a national title and the last few weeks have seen the team perform well below its potential. It seems impossible to get an exact read on the Ducks. If people underestimate them or call them out on sub-par performances, they’re bound to score 80 on a good team just to prove a point. If everyone sings their praises, they only get set up for another shooting gallery of pundits calling them choke artists when they eventually have a down game.

Central Florida (defeated South Florida 23-20) – The Knights dodged their third bullet in four weeks as they got themselves in serious trouble against a pretty terrible South Florida squad before pulling it out in the final minutes. The Knights will have to survive one more challenge this week if they want to claim the outright Zombie Big East championship and clinch a spot in a BCS bowl game. Where do you suppose UCF players want to go after big wins? Disney World has to be a bit redundant when you live in Orlando. Then again, it will probably cost the UCF athletic department less money to fly the team to their bowl game and put over 100 personnel up in a hotel for a week than it would for them to send the team to Epcot for a day.

UCLA (defeated No. 25 USC 35-14) – The Bruins are still in line for a possible 10-win season, but may have actually done themselves a bigger favor if they had just folded against their arch rivals from the less fashionable side of L.A. last week. If USC had found a way to beat UCLA, it would have been VERY difficult for the Trojans to let interim head coach and full-time Duck Dynasty cast member Ed Ogeron walk. While Coach O did a great job in a pinch, just about anyone outside of Los Angeles (or Cajun country) would agree that he isn’t exactly ready to be the head coach of what should be a perennial top-25 program. UCLA was already going to miss out on the Pac-12 championship game, why not at least take a dive and feed your biggest rival a poison pill? That’s the kind of spite and forward thinking that is necessary to get ahead in the modern age of college football.

Clemson (lost to No. 11 South Carolina 31-17) – Even when the exact phrasing of Urban Dictionary doesn’t imply that the Tigers are ‘pulling a Clemson’, it’s still hard to see this year’s Clemson squad as anything other than the same Greek tragedy it’s been for most of the last decade. The Tigers have had no shot at the ACC title ever since they were crushed by Florida State in October and then watched as their most bitter rivals wrestled away any remaining hope of making a BCS bowl game last week. Once again, Clemson has been relegated to bridesmaid status – which is unfortunate, because orange and purple are just awful colors for a sobbing drunk girl at a reception.

Online Shopping (defeating 3 a.m. wake-up calls) – Black Friday has very few redeeming qualities. About a decade ago, it was a quirky and fun tradition. There were some good deals to be had and you hardly ever heard about violence or mobs forming outside of malls. Nowadays, venturing outside anytime in the 24 hours immediately following Thanksgiving dinner is taking your life into your own hands. Luckily, stores could care less about how many grandmothers are trampled to death in their parking lot, so long as they’re making money. While that doesn’t help grandma at all, it’s great for those of us who are sane enough to stay in our backup pajama pants (the first string pair fell victim to gravy and mashed potato stains) and order things online for the same price as we could get in stores.

Louisville (did not play) – If it’s possible for a 10-1 team (who is also a defending BCS bowl champion) to have an entirely forgettable season, we’re seeing it with this year’s Cardinals. Louisville was getting a good bit of love early in the season, but has dropped off of nearly every media platform since losing to Central Florida. Even the Cardinals’ biggest talking point – quarterback Teddy Bridgewater – has been eclipsed with other Heisman candidates having stupidly good seasons. Louisville can forget about another BCS bowl appearance unless UCF implodes and we might not hear from Bridgewater again until the NFL draft.

Duke (defeated North Carolina 27-25) – What kind of ass-backward world are we living in when the Duke Blue Devils are playing for the ACC championship? Honestly, we could have seen this happening in a season like last year where a thoroughly mediocre Coastal Division was compounded by the fact that half of its teams were ineligible for the postseason, but this is something totally different. The Coastal still wasn’t exactly strong, but the Devils took down both Virginia Tech and Miami to earn their way in. Things might get a little less fairytale-ish when Duke takes on Florida State. Still, we think the early 29-point spread is selling the Devils a bit short.

Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners could throw a huge wrench into the Big XII title chase with a win over Oklahoma State in this weekend’s gloriously titled ‘Bedlam’ game. Oklahoma is a double-digit underdog and has provided the nation with its usual act of looking great for most of the season while disappearing entirely in a couple of high-profile games. A win would give the Sooners an outside chance at an at-large BCS bid and would at least get them to a nice New Year’s Day game. That said, Oklahoma’s recent reputation isn’t boding well for them. Can we have a public removal of Stoops’ ‘Big Game Bob’ moniker if he loses one more big game by two or more touchdowns?

LSU (defeated Arkansas 31-27) – In keeping with the trend of closer-than-they-should-have-been rivalry games, Arkansas nearly salvaged a winless SEC campaign before LSU’s backup quarterback led the Tigers on a last-minute drive to steal away the win. LSU has to be a little disappointed in itself. In a year where many SEC teams were ravaged by injury and others started off inexperienced and had to grow up, the Tigers began the year as one of the strongest looking teams in the conference, yet seemed to get worse as time went on. LSU should still get a decent bowl bid, but surrendering 27 points to Arkansas is no way to close out the regular season.

Texas (defeated Texas Tech 41-16) – Much like USC, the Longhorns have taken more flak than their record warrants this season. Mack Brown was seemingly waiting for the axe to fall just a few weeks into the season. Now Texas stands at 8-3 and could share the Big XII title with a win and an Oklahoma State loss this season. Texas has carved out a very respectable season for itself, but the long term might not be looking so bright. When Texas A&M set sail for the SEC, it swung some of the recruiting balance in the Lone Star State. Texas has always reigned supreme, but the state has also lost more and more talent to the SEC during the conference’s decade-long run of dominance. Texas A&M now offers the state’s best prep players a chance to compete against the Alabama’s and LSU’s of the world while staying close to home. The Longhorns will never be starved for 4 and 5-star recruits, but Texas A&M now provides a better stage for recruits who want to play in the most hyped games of each season.

Fresno State (lost to San Jose State 62-52) – And down goes Cinderella. The Bulldogs were already in danger of losing the non-AQ conference BCS bowl opportunity to Northern Illinois, but any hopes of making the (probably) Fiesta Bowl went up in smoke when the Spartans destroyed the scoreboard last week. Fresno hadn’t shown many fatal flaws on defense throughout the season and had looked good in the few challenging games it encountered, but everything went downhill in a hurry. Fresno gets a chance to save some face against Utah State in the Mountain West championship game Friday night, but we somehow think that even a win won’t help take away the sting of an undefeated season that just barely slipped away.

USC (lost to No. 18 UCLA 35-14) – Poor Ed Ogeron. It seems as if even a win over UCLA wouldn’t have been enough to keep him installed as the Trojans’ head coach, but a rivalry win would have put a cherry on top of one of the better midseason salvage jobs in recent memory. Someone definitely needs to hire Ogeron. His sound bites are a national treasure. We could listen to him mumble his way through War and Peace. To top it all off, he’s a great recruiter and none of the players have had anything but the highest praise to heap on him. Ogeron might not be the best Xs and Os guy, but we think he’ll easily land on his feet in a head coaching job somewhere out there.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Georgia, Cincinnati

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough: Wisconsin, Texas A&M

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

Friday, November 22, 2013

USELESS Poll: Week 12

This can’t be serious. We can’t seriously be in the last few weeks of the regular season.

It seems like we just got started with all of this fun. We could swear that, just a week or two ago, teams were still battling oppressive heat during games, every conference was still wide open, and at least 75 percent of the Heisman frontrunners were scandal-free.

Oh well. Let’s cherish what little time we have left. Plenty of national powers are playing nobodies this week in anticipation of annual rivalry games next week, but there are still enough quality matchups to fill your Saturday and make you seriously think about ‘coming down with the flu’ from Monday through Wednesday to attain the ever-elusive nine-day weekend.

Alabama (defeated Mississippi State 20-7) – For the first time since last October, the Crimson Tide finally looked human. Of course, even when Alabama’s players are proven to be fallible, they’re still much better than the similarly human players that make up the rest of the teams in the college football landscape. The Tide’s defense was far too strong for Mississippi State, but the offense looked more like the struggling bunch that sputtered in the season opener than the well-oiled machine that has been embarrassing al comers for the last two months. That said, Christmas will come early for college football when the Iron Bowl – already one of the best rivalries in the sport – now has the added benefit of decided the SEC West champion.

Florida State (defeated Syracuse 59-3) – This season has everything that you could ever ask for. Not only do the purists have traditional powers like Alabama and Ohio State in the hunt, but the new-school guys have Cinderella contenders like Baylor and Missouri charging hard down the stretch. Then, for those of us who are drama-loving 15 year old girls at heart, we have the emerging Florida State scandal. Jameis Winston hasn’t been formally charged with anything yet, but Thursday’s announcement of his DNA being found on his alleged victim’s clothing has officially taken away the “this-is-all-totally-fabricated” excuse. The Seminoles are a great team even without Winston, but probably can’t win a national title without their Heisman hopeful quarterback. Then again, you never know what the NCAA is going to do. That organization is bipolar enough to knock down the doors and declare FSU bowl ineligible on a whim if Mark Emmert wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

Ohio State (defeated Illinois 60-35) – The Buckeyes couldn’t quite cover the 32.5 point spread last weekend, but continued their string of absolute beatdowns in a valiant attempt to prove to the nation that they really are an elite team despite no other Big Ten schools being able to give them a decent game. We always try to give teams with weak schedules the benefit of a doubt, but it’s hard to do the same for OSU. When it comes to elite teams scheduling absolute cupcakes, the Buckeyes are a perennial offender. Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal and Florida A&M make for a pitiful non-conference schedule to say the least. As soon as the Buckeyes play a non Big Ten team that can make a New Year’s Day bowl game, we’ll give them a little more credit.

Baylor (defeated Texas Tech 63-34) – Seeing Baylor pop up on the schedule has to be a total nightmare for any defensive coordinator. Even in games where teams have held the Bears in check for a quarter or so, Baylor eventually comes out swinging and lights up the scoreboard. It seems as if the Bears are destined to score 60-70 points per game, no matter what. Any time you stop them, it just makes the next scoring drive that much quicker and demoralizing. The real victims in the Bears’ season are those poor, poor officials. With fellow offensive juggernaut Oklahoma State on the schedule this week, the Big XII needs to send its most physically fit crew just to keep up with the scoring.

Oregon (defeated Utah 44-21) – The Ducks may have seen their national title hopes go down the drain against Stanford two weeks ago, but the Cardinal’s loss to USC last weekend reopened the door for Oregon to play for a conference title and a BCS bowl. Oregon still seemed a bit hungover from being dominated at Stanford as the Utah game began, but the Ducks eventually regained their form and made things look easy over the final two quarters. If Florida State and Alabama continue to roll the nation will likely get a nice appetizer to the national championship game as Oregon and Ohio State get together in the Rose Bowl.

Clemson (defeated Georgia Tech 55-31) – If not for that pesky little 51-14 setback against Florida State, the Tigers would still be talked about every week as a great team. As it stands, the Tigers will have to continue to win – and win impressively – just to have a shot at a BCS at-large bid. Clemson has already been locked out of the ACC title game, but will get one final chance to plead its case to a national audience as it takes on South Carolina during rivalry week. That loss to the Seminoles killed all of his hype, but Tahj Boyd could sneak back into the Heisman race if the voters turn on Winston and Johnny Football in favor of a scandal-free candidate.

Missouri (did not play) – The Tigers have been, by far, the most consistent team in the SEC East this year. Missouri hasn’t had to deal with the rash of injuries that some of its rivals have, but credit is due to the Tigers for going without their starting quarterback for over a month without missing a beat. That said, the Tigers still have no room for error. Auburn’s last-second win over Georgia took away a possible three-way tie scenario in the division race, leaving only Mizzou and South Carolina in contention. The Tigers lead the Gamecocks by a game, but South Carolina is already done with conference play while the Tigers have two to go. One slipup and Missouri will watch the conference championship game from their dorms.

Oklahoma State (defeated No. 24 Texas 38-13) – Texas had been rallying hard around Mack Brown for over a month and even cracked last week’s poll, but Oklahoma put a quick end to the Longhorns’ undefeated Big XII run last week. Four teams are still in contention for the conference title – the Big XII doesn’t have enough members to play a single conference championship game – but it would be a shame if any school other than Okie State or Baylor raises the trophy in three weeks. That sets up this weekend’s game with Baylor as the de facto Big XII title game. Many teams have tried and failed, often hilariously, to stop Baylor’s offense. The Cowboys are one of a few teams that might be able to stay with the Bears blow for blow. Oklahoma State is a big underdog heading into the game, but could throw a sizable wrench into the BCS with a win.

Auburn (defeated Georgia 43-38) – It would take an economy-sized package of Charmin for Auburn to properly clean itself off after reaching so far up its ass for that win over the Bulldogs. The Tigers’ fourth quarter could be made into a book featuring absolutely everything that you shouldn’t do with a big lead late in the game. Auburn couldn’t move the chains on offense and totally abandoned the defense that had worked for it all day. Oh well. Auburn probably didn’t deserve that crazy bounce which miraculously ended up in the Tigers’ hands, but we’ll take it since it only serves to create more drama in the upcoming Auburn-Alabama game.

Texas A&M (did not play) – Johnny Football needs to get a nice fruit basket for Jameis Winston. People were LIVID that Manziel was getting away with one when not enough evidence could be produced to prove that he had been paid to sign autographs. Thanks to Winston’s (alleged) antics, a hotel room full of signed helmets is looking pretty innocent right about now. The Aggies can’t play for an SEC or national title, but another Johnny Football-esque performance against LSU with a national audience tuning in might be enough to make Manziel the second player in history with a pair of Heismans to his name.

Stanford (lost to USC 20-17) – A shoddy loss to Utah earlier in the season was probably going to take Stanford out of the national title race, but the Cardinal could have at least hoped to sneak in if things got crazy until they coughed up another game at USC last week. Stanford has been so close lately, but just can’t avoid a landmine or two somewhere along the line. Teams with flashy offenses like Oregon or Baylor will endure a litany of “we knew that gimmick wouldn’t work all year” every time they lose. You could easily say the same thing about Stanford. The Cardinal might run a traditional, pro-style, power offense, but they don’t have a quarterback who can make the big throws. As soon as Hogan spends a game misfiring, Stanford is in trouble.

Michigan State (defeated Nebraska 41-28) – Michigan State’s dominating defensive statistics took a bit of a hit, but Sparty was able to claim its first ever victory over Nebraska and stayed on line to play for the Big Ten championship. If not for Notre Dame deciding to play its one really good game of the season, we could have a huge mess on our hands at the top of the BCS standings. Lucas Oil Stadium has been a good host for the conference title game, but we think a change should be made. The Big Ten has taken a lot of flak for going soft over the last couple of years. The conference could save some face if we pitted 12-0 Ohio State against 11-1 Michigan State in a muddy snowstorm for an afternoon game where it’s dark by 4:30. NOSTALGIA!!!

Fresno State (did not play) – When the season began, Fresno State was the popular pick as the non-BCS team most likely to run the table and crash the big name bowls. The Bulldogs have held up their end of the bargain, but Northern Illinois is also unbeaten and is gaining ground in the rankings. Only one will make it into the BCS if both stay unbeaten. Fresno State has the easier road. The Bulldogs have just 11 regular season games to win, thanks to a September game against Colorado that was called due to flooding. Fresno also has the advantage of not having disappointed the BCS masses like NIU did last season. On the other hand, Northern Illinois has a slight edge in strength of schedule and – as ridiculous as Tuesday and Wednesday football might seem to some – is recognized as a legitimately good team by far more casual fans.

South Carolina (defeated Florida 19-14) – The Gamecocks are never going to win any style points for the way they work through a season, but it’s hard to argue with results. If not for an inexplicable loss to Tennessee and the misfortune of playing Georgia before all of the Bulldogs’ good players decided to die, South Carolina could have already wrapped up the SEC East and might be getting sized up for championship rings. Instead, the Gamecocks must hope that Missouri slips up in the next two weeks and must beat in-state rival Clemson to stay in the hunt for an at-large BCS bowl. It doesn’t seem like the NFL is in Connor Shaw’s future, but we think he’d make a great spokesman for AMC hit show ‘The Walking Dead’. Aside from the fact that he never goes away – we’re pretty sure that Shaw has been on the roster for about seven years – the guy has been beat up and helped off the field dozens of times. You can hurt him, but you can’t kill him. Shaw’s thirst for brains and the occasional wide open skinny post are insatiable.

Northern Illinois (defeated Toledo 35-17) – The Huskies looked good earlier this week as they continue their quest to join Boise State and TCU as the only non-BCS conference teams to make back-to-back BCS bowl games. Northern Illinois looked solid in beating a pretty good Toledo squad and has a virtual cakewalk scheduled against Western Michigan next week to complete another undefeated regular season. The MAC might not have the best football in the country, but its conference championship game almost always makes for a good game. That trend could continue this season as Buffalo is quietly having a stellar season.

Central Florida (defeated Rutgers 41-17) – The Knights escaped consecutive weeks with close victories, but regained their stride and put an absolute beatdown on Rutgers Wednesday night. Normally, we don’t advocate fans rooting for a rival team from its conference in the postseason. Of course, this sentiment is usually in response to some fan of a 6-6 SEC team trying to tell you all about how Alabama winning a title means that Mississippi State would go undefeated in any other conference. That kind of craziness gets tiresome, but we totally understand fans pulling for a normal rival if the conference as a whole could use the good press. The Zombie Big East has produced a few decent teams this season, but there are six or seven laughing stocks thrown in there as well. Central Florida is going to enter the BCS with the respectability of an entire conference on its shoulders. Luckily, it seems like those avoided upsets over the last few weeks will ensure that the ZBE is putting its best foot forward in January.

UCLA (defeated Washington 41-31) – All of the attention for the Pac-12 has been hogged by Oregon and Stanford so far this season, but the conference’s South division is shaping up for a great finish. UCLA, Arizona State and USC are all in contention to win the division and play for a spot in the Rose Bowl. Even better, all three still have a game against one of the other two teams in the coming weeks, making ASU’s current advantage a bit flimsier. This is where UCLA needs to take advantage of its biggest weapon. Brett Hundley is a better quarterback than Arizona State or USC can boast and did a great job under pressure last week when the Bruins ran out of running backs. If Hundley wants to go early in the NFL draft, getting his team to the conference title game will be a great start.

The NFL Thanksgiving Night Game (defeating awkward conversations with distant relatives) – Thanksgiving and football are a perfect fit for each other. For the last 28 or so years, the USELESS Poll creator’s Thanksgiving routine has been the same. Wake up late, watch about 15 minutes of the parade, convince himself to not eat breakfast to save room for dinner, watch the Lions lose, start pouting because dinner is taking too long, proceed to eat until doctors confirm that he is 25 percent turkey/stuffing mixture, watch the Cowboys game, then sleep. That’s a solid plan, but it’s been made even more foolproof by the addition of the night game. Who wants to watch great aunt Edna get sauced on cheap wine and ramble on into vaguely racist anecdotes about the past? Nobody. Enter the NFL and their late game. By the time the Steelers and Ravens kick off, you should be waking up from the turkey coma that you slipped into during the third quarter of the Dallas game. Waddle on over to the fridge, make yourself a sammich, then watch the game until the local news breaks in with coverage of the riots that have broken out at the mall.

Arizona State (defeated Oregon State 30-17) – The Sun Devils might have gotten a bit more credit for a nice win over the Beavers if the wheels hadn’t come flying off of Oregon State over the last few weeks. Oregon State was a scoring machine before getting a raw deal in its scheduling. The Beavers had a tough draw against Stanford, then had to play USC just as the Trojans caught their stride. By the time OSU had to travel to Tempe, all of their early-season spark was gone. At this point, Arizona State probably doesn’t mind. The Devils lead the South division as the only school with just one conference loss and hold the tiebreaker over USC. A win against UCLA will put the Devils one victory away from the BCS.

Wisconsin (defeated Indiana 51-3) – When Wisconsin lost a tough battle to Ohio State early in the season, the writing was on the wall for the Badgers. They were one of only two teams on Ohio State’s regular season schedule that had even the faintest chance of taking down the Buckeyes. The loss to OSU pretty much condemned the Badgers to second place in their division before the season really got going. Knowing that, Wisconsin has been taking out its frustrations for the last two months. Since that loss to Ohio State, only BYU has forced the Badgers to break a sweat. It’s looking like a 10-2 finish for ‘Sconsin, but an abundance of undefeated and one-loss teams at the top of the pile and the weak Big Ten are still making a BCS bowl a 50/50 shot for the Badgers at the moment.

Louisville (defeated Houston 20-13) – The style of football that the Cardinals play is perfectly suited for the NFL, but it’s taking them out of the running for big name bowls. Louisville has had most of its opponents thoroughly outclassed, but seems content to carry them along, pulling out a 7-10 point win in the final quarter. The Cardinals’ only loss has come in the last minute against a top-15 team and yet everything about their season has been pretty underwhelming even after taking into account their weak schedule. Louisville will probably still get an invite to a decent bowl, but future seasons won’t pan out as well as the new postseason structure might clear the way for some bigger bowls to cut ties with the Zombie Big East if it doesn’t improve quickly.

Oklahoma (defeated Iowa State 48-10) – Much has been made about the demise of the Big Ten over the last couple of years, but the USELESS Poll prefers to take aim at a general region of the country instead of a specific conference. Midwest… c’mon, guys. You’re not doing your flat, corn-and-wheat-filled swath of territory any favors this season. With the exception of Oklahoma State, there isn’t an interesting team in all of flyover country. Oklahoma has lost its status as an elite title contender, all of Kansas is just awful and even Nebraska is as plain as plain can be. Unless you’re willing to venture into Texas, there really isn’t much in the way of good college football between the Mississippi River and the Rockies.

LSU (did not play) – For a second straight year the Bayou Bengals are playing well, but are out of the race for the SEC West before Thanksgiving. Honestly, it comes as a bit of a surprise that LSU is still in a position to finish in the top three of the division. While Alabama continues to dominate, Auburn keeps on gaining steam, and Texas A&M continues to ride Johnny Football to wins, the Tigers have taken a step back from the team they were over the first six weeks of the season. Zach Mettenberger no longer looks like a late blooming NFL prospect and the defense is a far cry from the unit that made big plays and forced turnovers throughout September.

Sensible Christmas decorations (defeating the 100,000 volt shitshow on your neighbor’s lawn) – Here at USELESS Poll headquarters in Statesboro, Ga., we’ve already seen at least one obnoxious person fill every square inch of their lawn and house exterior with lights and animatronics displays. It’s actually hard to comprehend how these people store all of that crap during the other 10 months of the year. They have to have a storage locker somewhere. Regardless, they’re breaking two cardinal rules of Christmas decorating. Never put up lights before Thanksgiving (preferably before Dec. 1) and NEVER, EVER put up so many decorations that the occasional stray light aircraft tries to land on your street. This really shouldn’t have to be repeated every year. They should equip police with light meters and city council should set some limit on the candlepower each house is allowed to emit.

USC (defeated No 6 Stanford 20-17) – There’s never a dull moment for the Trojans of USC. Earlier in the season, those not in the loop of USC football would have thought that the sky was falling. Even though the Trojans weren’t expected to be in the hunt for a national title, Lane Kiffin’s shortcomings worked their way into the news cycle each week. The Trojans only lost two games in that span, but the sensationalism that went along with each made them look like they were a total dumpster fire. Now Ed Ogeron is in charge and a complete polar shift has taken place. All of the sudden, USC’s aura has switched back to its familiar sunshine, good times, and winning football – albeit with a heavy Cajun accent nowadays. You can like the Trojans or hate them, but never accuse them of being boring.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Ole Miss, Duke

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough: Cincinnati, Minnesota, Texas

Friday, November 15, 2013

USELESS Poll: Week 11

Down goes Oregon! Down goes Oregon!

For the first time this season, the USELESS Poll sees a change in the top-2 of its rankings. The Ducks made a great attempt at a comeback (that would have gone down in history if they had pulled it off) but were all but erased from the national championship race in the span of just a few hours last Thursday night.

As for the rest of the nation, there is still much to be decided as we hit the home stretch. Four teams are still in the running to win the SEC while the Big Ten title game might feature a pair of top-10 teams by the time all is said and done. The Big XII is home to the most exciting team in the nation and there are three non-BCS conference Cinderellas out there, still running around without a loss.

But hey, don’t just read the intro. Work your way down this week’s poll and see for yourself.

Alabama (defeated No. 11 LSU 38-17) – As much as we love to praise Johnny Manziel around these parts, we might have to take some issue with him. It seems likely that Johnny Football has done away with all drama in college football. After Texas A&M beat the Crimson Tide last season, ‘Bama quickly bounced back and didn’t lose again. Alabama didn’t fall to the Aggies this season, but Mr. Football did push the Tide to the brink. Since that day, Alabama has been firmly stuck on its ‘BEAST MODE’ setting and has been destroying everything in its wake. If Auburn can stay hot, this year’s Iron Bowl will be a classic. If not, ‘Bama will yawn its way into another SEC title game and might not have to try too hard against a struggling/injured SEC East.

Florida State (defeated Wake Forest 59-3) – Let the record show that Jameis Winston now has more sexual assault allegations levied against him than he has losses as a college quarterback… Not that either are fun to have, but that’s a pretty catchy lede, right? Well, assuming that Famous Jameis (that doesn’t rhyme nearly as well in text as it does in speech) is wrongfully accused in this incident, it seems as though the Seminoles have a clear path to the national championship game. Oregon hit a snag and the Big Ten refuses to produce any sort of competition that could give Ohio State an edge over the Seminoles. All that’s left to do is to run out the clock on the regular season against some very beatable opponents. Of course, that’s been WAY too much to ask of ACC favorites in the past, so FSU still has a long ways to go.

Ohio State (did not play) – The Buckeyes had a bye last week, making things slightly tougher on OSU than their current run of horrible Big Ten teams on the schedule. Sitting at home really paid off for the Buckeyes as Oregon’s loss gave them a boost in this week’s poll. Ohio State still hasn’t clinched its division, but faces punching bags Illinois and Indiana in the coming weeks before heading to Michigan to close out the regular season. No matter how many beatings the Bucks put on hapless conference foes, they simply won’t catch Alabama or Florida State unless one of those two loses. If that happens, prepare yourself for a solid month of anyone who isn’t from the Midwest blasting Ohio State and the Big Ten.

Baylor (defeated No. 13 Oklahoma 41-12) – Last Thursday may have set a record for the quickest eating of words by college football fans in recorded history. Pretty much every non-Baylor fan we know (which is all of them) said something along the lines of “Yeah, Baylor’s offense is good. But they’ve done it against nobodies.” When Oklahoma shut down the Bears’ first two drives and took an early lead, the vitriol really started to fly. Then, in a matter of a quarter, Bryce Petty and his high-flying attack laid waste to a good Oklahoma secondary while the Baylor defense blitzed the Sooners into a daze. By the end of the game, people were not only giving the Bears’ offense plenty of overdue credit, they were also complimenting the defense and recognizing Baylor as a legitimate national title contender.

Another reminder that a four-team playoff isn’t the best solution (But it’s still much better than the BCS) – Those top four teams can easily be categorized as elite and there isn’t a single loss among them. If this were 2014, it could easily be argued that the new four-team playoff would have worked perfectly. We guess that’s a valid argument, but the fact remains that the next few teams on our list would be near dead heats against the top squads if Vegas had to come up with a spread. An eight-team playoff seems like it should be the final answer for the NCAA’s postseason problem. Four might be enough in some years, but there have been plenty of occasions where the No. 5 team is very capable of taking down any of the teams ahead of it. In an eight-team system, there would still be bitching and moaning from whoever comes in at No. 9, but we can live with that. It’s a lot harder to try and ignore a one-loss team from a power conference – or possibly an unbeaten team from a smaller conference – sitting in fifth than it would be to dismiss a two-loss team trying to state its case to be the No. 8 team that has to go play the top team in the nation.

Stanford (defeated No. 2 Oregon 26-20) – Thanks to the Cardinal, we all now know that lightning can indeed strike twice. Stanford shocked the nation last season when it held the powerful Oregon offense to just 14 points and handed the Ducks their only loss of the season. The Cardinal were every bit as stingy last week in building a 26-0 lead and effectively ending the game early in the fourth quarter. Oregon has scored at least 35 points on every opponent not named Stanford since the beginning of last season. In two tries against the Cardinal, the Ducks have combined to score just 34.

Oregon (lost to No. 6 Stanford 26-20) – First off, that final score doesn’t exactly reflect how thoroughly beaten the Ducks were over the first three and a half quarters of last week’s loss. Then again, you should also ignore people who are running around screaming about how any team with a good defensive line can destroy the Ducks’ offensive scheme. Let’s not forget that Oregon advanced into Stanford territory on six possessions. If not for three turnovers inside the Cardinal 30 – two inside the Stanford 5 – that could have been a very different game. Of course, that wasn’t the case. There’s a damn good reason that the winning team just happened to be the one that didn’t hand the ball to its opponent on almost half of its drives.

Auburn (defeated Tennessee 55-23) – Over the last few seasons, Auburn made a concerted effort to become a more balanced team. After a couple of horrible years, capped off by last season’s 0-8 SEC mark, the Tigers finally made the wise decision to return to their bread and butter as a team with a potentially fatal flaw built into its game plan. Auburn is a team with a (mostly) very good defense and its fair share of impact players on offense. That said, when you’ve already played tomato cans like Western Carolina and Florida Atlantic, you have to average more than 130 passing yards per game on the season. Nick Marshall has done his best Cam Newton impression for much of the season, but it doesn’t seem like he has the arm to win the touch games like (s)Cam did. That theory will get a test this weekend against Georgia as stopping the run is about the only thing that the Bulldogs can seem to do consistently.

Missouri (defeated Kentucky 48-17) – It’s hard to remember an effective, pass-heavy offense that has had such an easy time adjusting to its starting quarterback missing significant time. Looking at the box scores of the Tigers’ games, you’d never guess that a second stringer has been calling the shots for nearly a month. Missouri has just one loss, but a backloaded schedule will provide a couple more tough tests before the Tigers can hope to claim a spot in the SEC title game. Texas A&M has grabbed the vast majority of the two new schools in the SEC, but Missouri is clearly in better shape for future success. The Tigers have a decent defense, multiple receiving threats, and it’s clear that they’ve found their quarterback of the future. If not for a Heisman winning quarterback, Texas A&M might be losing most of its conference games by 20.

Clemson (defeated Georgia Tech 55-31) – The Tigers kept their BCS hopes alive with an easy win over Georgia Tech Thursday night in front of a national audience, but might have paid a huge price for the victory. Tahj Boyd left the game late in the third quarter with a shoulder injury. Boyd stayed in uniform and returned to the sideline after a visit to the locker room, but Clemson will be hard-pressed to win its rivalry showdown with South Carolina in two weeks if he’s unable to go. Knowing Clemson, it’s probably more likely that Boyd sits out next week before leading the Tigers to an inspirational win over South Carolina, then absolutely goes into the tank as the Tigers lose a BCS bowl by five touchdowns. Yep… that sounds about right.

Oklahoma State (defeated Kansas 42-6) – The Cowboys are in a deadlock with Michigan State for the one-loss teams that are getting the least good press. It’s not like the nation doesn’t have its reasons. The Spartans fell victim to Notre Dame’s only four-quarter good effort of the season while Okie State somehow managed to let West Virginia go wire to wire on it back in September. Throw in the fact that the Big Ten and Big XII are well behind the Pac-12 and SEC in terms of great teams and overall talent and it’s not hard to see why they’re getting the cold shoulder. But maybe that’s just how they want things to pan out. With a national title out of the question, it’s probably pretty nice to be on track to play for a conference title without having SportsCenter breathing down your throat.

Fresno State (defeated Wyoming 48-10) – Fresno State made short work of another hopelessly overmatched opponent last week as Wyoming could hardly be bothered to stay competitive for more than the first quarter. While Wyoming was mostly worthless, it was at least a home game, meaning that if you’re into midnight action out in the Mountain West – and we know you are – you got to see a few close ups of ‘Cowboy Joe’, Wyoming’s pony. Yep… Not an untamed horse more indicative of the Cowboys’ namesake. It’s a 4-foot tall pony whose brothers and sisters are probably working the petting zoo circuit. And this isn’t an insult. It’s awesome. Who doesn’t like looking at cute barnyard animals? If they trained a monkey to ride Cowboy Joe up and down the sidelines, Wyoming would probably never lose again.

Texas A&M (defeated Mississippi State 51-41) – While talking about Missouri up there at No. 9, we briefly touched on some of the Aggies’ shortcomings. Let’s expand on that a bit more. Early in the season, Texas A&M looked like a team with some defensive liabilities that would turn every game into a shootout. Now we know that the Aggies’ defense basically consists of Weeble-Wobbles, a couple of tackling dummies, and some drifters that managed to wander past security. But maybe this is all part of a Heisman campaign. If the Aggies do their best each week to make it painfully obvious that Johnny Manziel is single-handedly responsible for pretty much everything good that the team does, maybe voters will overlook those two losses (where Manziel again did all of the dirty work).

Michigan State (defeated Michigan 29-6) – The Big Ten isn’t exactly crawling with offensive juggernauts, but the fact that the Spartans are leading the nation in a ton of defensive categories is still pretty impressive. Sparty’s offense has had its share of problems, but the MSU defense is consistent and powerful enough to turn every game into a race to 21 points. Assuming that the train doesn’t fall off of the tracks over the final couple of weeks, it will be interesting to see how people react to an Ohio State-Michigan State matchup. Will analysts call for MSU to shut down the Buckeyes? Will people actually admit that OSU will be playing a good team?

Central Florida (defeated Houston 19-14) – The Knights cleared the biggest hurdle remaining on their schedule – although it wasn’t easy – by denying Houston’s last minute rally last week. If UCF can win out, it will head to the first BCS bowl game in school history and will be the first Zombie Big East team to get a crack at the best the rest of the country has to offer. It’s amazing to think that the Knights have become a perennial solid team all under the guidance of George O’Leary. Remember back when Notre Dame kicked O’Leary to the curb after it was revealed that he had fudged his resume a bit? We’re thinking that the Irish would like that executive call back. Notre Dame has been through four coaches since the O’Leary scandal, with just as many BCS wins as the Knights to show for all of its trouble.

South Carolina (did not play) – Last week saw the Gamecocks sitting comfortably at home, but they weren’t able to get much help from teams who could have improved South Carolina’s chances to win its division. The Gamecocks have one final chance to improve their chances to play for the SEC title this week as they take on Florida. After that, Carolina will be entirely at the mercy of whether or not Missouri can continue its great run. We would tell the Gamecocks that they could kill time by planning Jadaveon Clowney’s Heisman pre-party, but that ship sailed about 30 minutes into the beginning of the regular season.

Fantasy Football Playoffs (defeating close friendships each winter) – Depending on your league setup, it’s sweaty-palms time for millions of fantasy football teams out there. A few of you lucky SOBs have already wrapped up a spot in the postseason (damn you, Craig) but for many others, a few extra rushing yards or a touchdown overturned by replay could mean all the difference between missing out on the playoffs or making it into the 2-3 week sprint to the finish line. We aren’t going to sit here and say that fantasy football is life, but anyone who has ever won his/her league would be a dirty liar if they said it didn’t excite them. After all, you spent three months caring for your team. It’s sweet, sweet vindication of all the neglect dealt out to other important things in your life when you can life your league’s trophy. In our league, there was talk of that false idol being a WalMart football super-glued to a tee and spray painted silver, but we just ended up drinking and criticizing the last place teams instead.

UCLA (defeated Arizona 31-26) – Back-to-back games against Stanford and Oregon provided UCLA with plenty of reasons to feel bad about itself, but the Bruins shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that they’re still in line to go to a pretty solid bowl game. UCLA shook off those losses and managed to wrestle a win away from a better-than-you’d-think Arizona team last week. In fact, most of the Pac-12 is better than those not living out west would think. Eight conference teams are already bowl eligible, with two other teams still having a good chance to make it to the postseason.

Wisconsin (defeated BYU 27-17) – It’s a bit of a shame that the one Big Ten team that dared to play a solid non-conference schedule is in danger of falling short of making a BCS bowl. While other conference rivals spent September fattening up on third and fourth tier schools from towns you’ve never heard of in Michigan and Ohio, the Badgers were busy getting screwed over in a game out at Arizona State. Last week, Wisconsin played another tough non-conference team in BYU – a great running team which the Badgers promptly shut down. The silver lining in all of this is that the Badgers should cruise home with a 10-2 mark as they’ll be double-digit favorites in each of their final three games. After that, it’s just a matter of what teams get upset in the coming weeks and whether or not Wisconsin can climb high enough to catch the attention of BCS bowl committees.

Northern Illinois (defeated Ball State 48-27) – The Huskies might be even better than last season’s MAC-winning Orange Bowl team. Then again, that score against a good 8-2 Ball State squad is a bit misleading. The MAC-tion was in full swing Wednesday night as the Cardinals gave NIU all it wanted for more than three quarters. The Huskies weren’t able to pull ahead for good until midway through the fourth quarter and added two late scores to make the score look much worse than it was. On the plus side, Northern Illinois has a bitchin’ husky for a mascot that high fives the cheerleaders after every touchdown. In case you haven’t been paying attention to this week’s poll, the way to the members of USELESS is through cool animals roaming your sidelines.

Louisville (defeated Connecticut 31-10) – Ever since that loss to Central Florida – and perhaps even before it – Louisville has looked like a team kind of sleepwalking its way through the season. Back when the Cardinals were still unbeaten, it was obvious that they were fourth or fifth in line out of all the top ranked teams to play for the national title. Teddy Bridgewater has gone nearly two months without a performance befitting of his ‘No. 1 overall pick’ tag and even the weaker Zombie Big East teams are hanging in against Louisville far longer than they should. With UCF, Fresno State and Northern Illinois all still unbeaten and picking up steam, it seems as though the Cardinals are resigned to playing a cold weather bowl game a day or two after Christmas in front of 5,000 fans.

LSU (lost to No. 1 Alabama 38-17) – For about a half, LSU looked like it was primed to add the latest exciting chapter to what has become one of the best rivalry games in the nation…. Then Alabama hit the gas. We think that the Crimson Tide is owed a big ‘thank you’ from the rest of the nation. If Alabama had brought its best effort to the field in the first quarter, the game would have been over before the little kids had to be in bed. That looked like a fixed prizefight where the favorite spent about five rounds just carrying his opponent so that the mob could cash in on its bets. Then, when the third quarter began with LSU stupidly thinking is was in prime position for the upset, Bama unleashed a few haymakers and the game was over well before the fourth quarter arrived. Thanks for playing, Tigers. Pick up a door prize on your way out.

Arizona State (defeated Utah 20-19) – What the hell is it about Utah this season? They look like a somewhat dangerous team every time they pop up on our televisions, yet they’re just 1-5 in Pac-12 competition. That said, the Utes’ best effort of the season will likely prevent Stanford from getting to the national championship game and another gritty effort last week nearly knocked the Sun Devils out of the rankings. With just one loss in Pac-12 play, Arizona State is making the most out of avoiding Oregon on the schedule while other schools in the South Division like UCLA weren’t so lucky. The Devils have a couple of tough games remaining in the regular season, but will be in the conference championship game if they win out.

Texas (defeated West Virginia 27-20) – Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is how you circle the wagons for a beloved coach whose seat was getting a little bit too hot. Mack Brown might be on his way out the door after this season, but at least he gets to do it on his terms. You would have thought half of his office was already boxed up back when the Longhorns were 1-2. But that was also before Big XII play began. Texas now stands with Baylor as the only two teams unbeaten in conference play. It’s not as if the Longhorns are winning pretty – and they certainly aren’t dominating teams like Baylor – but it would be great if the Big XII came down to an old power and a fresh upstart squaring off in the final week of the regular season when the Longhorns invade Waco.

Mississippi (defeated Arkansas 34-24) – The Rebels have tip-toed around our final two poll categories for much of the season, but are finally part of the top-25 this week. Some Ole Miss supporters would argue that it’s taken too long for their team to get here, but we have to preach patience for this team. That signing class making up this year’s freshmen was great, but they’re still just freshmen. Add in the fact that Alabama is still borderline immortal, the defending Heisman winner is in your division, and Auburn has ‘Most Improved Team’ all but locked up, and it’s really not all that important what the Rebs accomplish this season. Give it one more winter. Ole Miss should come back strong in 2014 and it’s impossible for the rest of the SEC West to be even deeper next season, right?

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Georgia, Duke

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough: Oklahoma, Minnesota, Nebraska