USELESS Poll: Week 11

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Down goes Oregon! Down goes Oregon!

For the first time this season, the USELESS Poll sees a change in the top-2 of its rankings. The Ducks made a great attempt at a comeback (that would have gone down in history if they had pulled it off) but were all but erased from the national championship race in the span of just a few hours last Thursday night.

As for the rest of the nation, there is still much to be decided as we hit the home stretch. Four teams are still in the running to win the SEC while the Big Ten title game might feature a pair of top-10 teams by the time all is said and done. The Big XII is home to the most exciting team in the nation and there are three non-BCS conference Cinderellas out there, still running around without a loss.

But hey, don’t just read the intro. Work your way down this week’s poll and see for yourself.

1. Alabama (defeated No. 11 LSU 38-17) – As much as we love to praise Johnny Manziel around these parts, we might have to take some issue with him. It seems likely that Johnny Football has done away with all drama in college football. After Texas A&M beat the Crimson Tide last season, ‘Bama quickly bounced back and didn’t lose again. Alabama didn’t fall to the Aggies this season, but Mr. Football did push the Tide to the brink. Since that day, Alabama has been firmly stuck on its ‘BEAST MODE’ setting and has been destroying everything in its wake. If Auburn can stay hot, this year’s Iron Bowl will be a classic. If not, ‘Bama will yawn its way into another SEC title game and might not have to try too hard against a struggling/injured SEC East.

2. Florida State (defeated Wake Forest 59-3) – Let the record show that Jameis Winston now has more sexual assault allegations levied against him than he has losses as a college quarterback… Not that either are fun to have, but that’s a pretty catchy lede, right? Well, assuming that Famous Jameis (that doesn’t rhyme nearly as well in text as it does in speech) is wrongfully accused in this incident, it seems as though the Seminoles have a clear path to the national championship game. Oregon hit a snag and the Big Ten refuses to produce any sort of competition that could give Ohio State an edge over the Seminoles. All that’s left to do is to run out the clock on the regular season against some very beatable opponents. Of course, that’s been WAY too much to ask of ACC favorites in the past, so FSU still has a long ways to go.

3. Ohio State (did not play) – The Buckeyes had a bye last week, making things slightly tougher on OSU than their current run of horrible Big Ten teams on the schedule. Sitting at home really paid off for the Buckeyes as Oregon’s loss gave them a boost in this week’s poll. Ohio State still hasn’t clinched its division, but faces punching bags Illinois and Indiana in the coming weeks before heading to Michigan to close out the regular season. No matter how many beatings the Bucks put on hapless conference foes, they simply won’t catch Alabama or Florida State unless one of those two loses. If that happens, prepare yourself for a solid month of anyone who isn’t from the Midwest blasting Ohio State and the Big Ten.

4. Baylor (defeated No. 13 Oklahoma 41-12) – Last Thursday may have set a record for the quickest eating of words by college football fans in recorded history. Pretty much every non-Baylor fan we know (which is all of them) said something along the lines of “Yeah, Baylor’s offense is good. But they’ve done it against nobodies.” When Oklahoma shut down the Bears’ first two drives and took an early lead, the vitriol really started to fly. Then, in a matter of a quarter, Bryce Petty and his high-flying attack laid waste to a good Oklahoma secondary while the Baylor defense blitzed the Sooners into a daze. By the end of the game, people were not only giving the Bears’ offense plenty of overdue credit, they were also complimenting the defense and recognizing Baylor as a legitimate national title contender.

5. Another reminder that a four-team playoff isn’t the best solution (But it’s still much better than the BCS) – Those top four teams can easily be categorized as elite and there isn’t a single loss among them. If this were 2014, it could easily be argued that the new four-team playoff would have worked perfectly. We guess that’s a valid argument, but the fact remains that the next few teams on our list would be near dead heats against the top squads if Vegas had to come up with a spread. An eight-team playoff seems like it should be the final answer for the NCAA’s postseason problem. Four might be enough in some years, but there have been plenty of occasions where the No. 5 team is very capable of taking down any of the teams ahead of it. In an eight-team system, there would still be bitching and moaning from whoever comes in at No. 9, but we can live with that. It’s a lot harder to try and ignore a one-loss team from a power conference – or possibly an unbeaten team from a smaller conference – sitting in fifth than it would be to dismiss a two-loss team trying to state its case to be the No. 8 team that has to go play the top team in the nation.

6. Stanford (defeated No. 2 Oregon 26-20) – Thanks to the Cardinal, we all now know that lightning can indeed strike twice. Stanford shocked the nation last season when it held the powerful Oregon offense to just 14 points and handed the Ducks their only loss of the season. The Cardinal were every bit as stingy last week in building a 26-0 lead and effectively ending the game early in the fourth quarter. Oregon has scored at least 35 points on every opponent not named Stanford since the beginning of last season. In two tries against the Cardinal, the Ducks have combined to score just 34.

7. Oregon (lost to No. 6 Stanford 26-20) – First off, that final score doesn’t exactly reflect how thoroughly beaten the Ducks were over the first three and a half quarters of last week’s loss. Then again, you should also ignore people who are running around screaming about how any team with a good defensive line can destroy the Ducks’ offensive scheme. Let’s not forget that Oregon advanced into Stanford territory on six possessions. If not for three turnovers inside the Cardinal 30 – two inside the Stanford 5 – that could have been a very different game. Of course, that wasn’t the case. There’s a damn good reason that the winning team just happened to be the one that didn’t hand the ball to its opponent on almost half of its drives.

8. Auburn (defeated Tennessee 55-23) – Over the last few seasons, Auburn made a concerted effort to become a more balanced team. After a couple of horrible years, capped off by last season’s 0-8 SEC mark, the Tigers finally made the wise decision to return to their bread and butter as a team with a potentially fatal flaw built into its game plan. Auburn is a team with a (mostly) very good defense and its fair share of impact players on offense. That said, when you’ve already played tomato cans like Western Carolina and Florida Atlantic, you have to average more than 130 passing yards per game on the season. Nick Marshall has done his best Cam Newton impression for much of the season, but it doesn’t seem like he has the arm to win the touch games like (s)Cam did. That theory will get a test this weekend against Georgia as stopping the run is about the only thing that the Bulldogs can seem to do consistently.

9. Missouri (defeated Kentucky 48-17) – It’s hard to remember an effective, pass-heavy offense that has had such an easy time adjusting to its starting quarterback missing significant time. Looking at the box scores of the Tigers’ games, you’d never guess that a second stringer has been calling the shots for nearly a month. Missouri has just one loss, but a backloaded schedule will provide a couple more tough tests before the Tigers can hope to claim a spot in the SEC title game. Texas A&M has grabbed the vast majority of the two new schools in the SEC, but Missouri is clearly in better shape for future success. The Tigers have a decent defense, multiple receiving threats, and it’s clear that they’ve found their quarterback of the future. If not for a Heisman winning quarterback, Texas A&M might be losing most of its conference games by 20.

10. Clemson (defeated Georgia Tech 55-31) – The Tigers kept their BCS hopes alive with an easy win over Georgia Tech Thursday night in front of a national audience, but might have paid a huge price for the victory. Tahj Boyd left the game late in the third quarter with a shoulder injury. Boyd stayed in uniform and returned to the sideline after a visit to the locker room, but Clemson will be hard-pressed to win its rivalry showdown with South Carolina in two weeks if he’s unable to go. Knowing Clemson, it’s probably more likely that Boyd sits out next week before leading the Tigers to an inspirational win over South Carolina, then absolutely goes into the tank as the Tigers lose a BCS bowl by five touchdowns. Yep… that sounds about right.

11. Oklahoma State (defeated Kansas 42-6) – The Cowboys are in a deadlock with Michigan State for the one-loss teams that are getting the least good press. It’s not like the nation doesn’t have its reasons. The Spartans fell victim to Notre Dame’s only four-quarter good effort of the season while Okie State somehow managed to let West Virginia go wire to wire on it back in September. Throw in the fact that the Big Ten and Big XII are well behind the Pac-12 and SEC in terms of great teams and overall talent and it’s not hard to see why they’re getting the cold shoulder. But maybe that’s just how they want things to pan out. With a national title out of the question, it’s probably pretty nice to be on track to play for a conference title without having SportsCenter breathing down your throat.

12. Fresno State (defeated Wyoming 48-10) – Fresno State made short work of another hopelessly overmatched opponent last week as Wyoming could hardly be bothered to stay competitive for more than the first quarter. While Wyoming was mostly worthless, it was at least a home game, meaning that if you’re into midnight action out in the Mountain West – and we know you are – you got to see a few close ups of ‘Cowboy Joe’, Wyoming’s pony. Yep… Not an untamed horse more indicative of the Cowboys’ namesake. It’s a 4-foot tall pony whose brothers and sisters are probably working the petting zoo circuit. And this isn’t an insult. It’s awesome. Who doesn’t like looking at cute barnyard animals? If they trained a monkey to ride Cowboy Joe up and down the sidelines, Wyoming would probably never lose again.

13. Texas A&M (defeated Mississippi State 51-41) – While talking about Missouri up there at No. 9, we briefly touched on some of the Aggies’ shortcomings. Let’s expand on that a bit more. Early in the season, Texas A&M looked like a team with some defensive liabilities that would turn every game into a shootout. Now we know that the Aggies’ defense basically consists of Weeble-Wobbles, a couple of tackling dummies, and some drifters that managed to wander past security. But maybe this is all part of a Heisman campaign. If the Aggies do their best each week to make it painfully obvious that Johnny Manziel is single-handedly responsible for pretty much everything good that the team does, maybe voters will overlook those two losses (where Manziel again did all of the dirty work).

14. Michigan State (defeated Michigan 29-6) – The Big Ten isn’t exactly crawling with offensive juggernauts, but the fact that the Spartans are leading the nation in a ton of defensive categories is still pretty impressive. Sparty’s offense has had its share of problems, but the MSU defense is consistent and powerful enough to turn every game into a race to 21 points. Assuming that the train doesn’t fall off of the tracks over the final couple of weeks, it will be interesting to see how people react to an Ohio State-Michigan State matchup. Will analysts call for MSU to shut down the Buckeyes? Will people actually admit that OSU will be playing a good team?

15. Central Florida (defeated Houston 19-14) – The Knights cleared the biggest hurdle remaining on their schedule – although it wasn’t easy – by denying Houston’s last minute rally last week. If UCF can win out, it will head to the first BCS bowl game in school history and will be the first Zombie Big East team to get a crack at the best the rest of the country has to offer. It’s amazing to think that the Knights have become a perennial solid team all under the guidance of George O’Leary. Remember back when Notre Dame kicked O’Leary to the curb after it was revealed that he had fudged his resume a bit? We’re thinking that the Irish would like that executive call back. Notre Dame has been through four coaches since the O’Leary scandal, with just as many BCS wins as the Knights to show for all of its trouble.

16. South Carolina (did not play) – Last week saw the Gamecocks sitting comfortably at home, but they weren’t able to get much help from teams who could have improved South Carolina’s chances to win its division. The Gamecocks have one final chance to improve their chances to play for the SEC title this week as they take on Florida. After that, Carolina will be entirely at the mercy of whether or not Missouri can continue its great run. We would tell the Gamecocks that they could kill time by planning Jadaveon Clowney’s Heisman pre-party, but that ship sailed about 30 minutes into the beginning of the regular season.

17. Fantasy Football Playoffs (defeating close friendships each winter) – Depending on your league setup, it’s sweaty-palms time for millions of fantasy football teams out there. A few of you lucky SOBs have already wrapped up a spot in the postseason (damn you, Craig) but for many others, a few extra rushing yards or a touchdown overturned by replay could mean all the difference between missing out on the playoffs or making it into the 2-3 week sprint to the finish line. We aren’t going to sit here and say that fantasy football is life, but anyone who has ever won his/her league would be a dirty liar if they said it didn’t excite them. After all, you spent three months caring for your team. It’s sweet, sweet vindication of all the neglect dealt out to other important things in your life when you can life your league’s trophy. In our league, there was talk of that false idol being a WalMart football super-glued to a tee and spray painted silver, but we just ended up drinking and criticizing the last place teams instead.

18. UCLA (defeated Arizona 31-26) – Back-to-back games against Stanford and Oregon provided UCLA with plenty of reasons to feel bad about itself, but the Bruins shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that they’re still in line to go to a pretty solid bowl game. UCLA shook off those losses and managed to wrestle a win away from a better-than-you’d-think Arizona team last week. In fact, most of the Pac-12 is better than those not living out west would think. Eight conference teams are already bowl eligible, with two other teams still having a good chance to make it to the postseason.

19. Wisconsin (defeated BYU 27-17) – It’s a bit of a shame that the one Big Ten team that dared to play a solid non-conference schedule is in danger of falling short of making a BCS bowl. While other conference rivals spent September fattening up on third and fourth tier schools from towns you’ve never heard of in Michigan and Ohio, the Badgers were busy getting screwed over in a game out at Arizona State. Last week, Wisconsin played another tough non-conference team in BYU – a great running team which the Badgers promptly shut down. The silver lining in all of this is that the Badgers should cruise home with a 10-2 mark as they’ll be double-digit favorites in each of their final three games. After that, it’s just a matter of what teams get upset in the coming weeks and whether or not Wisconsin can climb high enough to catch the attention of BCS bowl committees.

20. Northern Illinois (defeated Ball State 48-27) – The Huskies might be even better than last season’s MAC-winning Orange Bowl team. Then again, that score against a good 8-2 Ball State squad is a bit misleading. The MAC-tion was in full swing Wednesday night as the Cardinals gave NIU all it wanted for more than three quarters. The Huskies weren’t able to pull ahead for good until midway through the fourth quarter and added two late scores to make the score look much worse than it was. On the plus side, Northern Illinois has a bitchin’ husky for a mascot that high fives the cheerleaders after every touchdown. In case you haven’t been paying attention to this week’s poll, the way to the members of USELESS is through cool animals roaming your sidelines.

21. Louisville (defeated Connecticut 31-10) – Ever since that loss to Central Florida – and perhaps even before it – Louisville has looked like a team kind of sleepwalking its way through the season. Back when the Cardinals were still unbeaten, it was obvious that they were fourth or fifth in line out of all the top ranked teams to play for the national title. Teddy Bridgewater has gone nearly two months without a performance befitting of his ‘No. 1 overall pick’ tag and even the weaker Zombie Big East teams are hanging in against Louisville far longer than they should. With UCF, Fresno State and Northern Illinois all still unbeaten and picking up steam, it seems as though the Cardinals are resigned to playing a cold weather bowl game a day or two after Christmas in front of 5,000 fans.

22. LSU (lost to No. 1 Alabama 38-17) – For about a half, LSU looked like it was primed to add the latest exciting chapter to what has become one of the best rivalry games in the nation…. Then Alabama hit the gas. We think that the Crimson Tide is owed a big ‘thank you’ from the rest of the nation. If Alabama had brought its best effort to the field in the first quarter, the game would have been over before the little kids had to be in bed. That looked like a fixed prizefight where the favorite spent about five rounds just carrying his opponent so that the mob could cash in on its bets. Then, when the third quarter began with LSU stupidly thinking is was in prime position for the upset, Bama unleashed a few haymakers and the game was over well before the fourth quarter arrived. Thanks for playing, Tigers. Pick up a door prize on your way out.

23. Arizona State (defeated Utah 20-19) – What the hell is it about Utah this season? They look like a somewhat dangerous team every time they pop up on our televisions, yet they’re just 1-5 in Pac-12 competition. That said, the Utes’ best effort of the season will likely prevent Stanford from getting to the national championship game and another gritty effort last week nearly knocked the Sun Devils out of the rankings. With just one loss in Pac-12 play, Arizona State is making the most out of avoiding Oregon on the schedule while other schools in the South Division like UCLA weren’t so lucky. The Devils have a couple of tough games remaining in the regular season, but will be in the conference championship game if they win out.

24. Texas (defeated West Virginia 27-20) – Ladies and gentlemen, THAT is how you circle the wagons for a beloved coach whose seat was getting a little bit too hot. Mack Brown might be on his way out the door after this season, but at least he gets to do it on his terms. You would have thought half of his office was already boxed up back when the Longhorns were 1-2. But that was also before Big XII play began. Texas now stands with Baylor as the only two teams unbeaten in conference play. It’s not as if the Longhorns are winning pretty – and they certainly aren’t dominating teams like Baylor – but it would be great if the Big XII came down to an old power and a fresh upstart squaring off in the final week of the regular season when the Longhorns invade Waco.

25. Mississippi (defeated Arkansas 34-24) – The Rebels have tip-toed around our final two poll categories for much of the season, but are finally part of the top-25 this week. Some Ole Miss supporters would argue that it’s taken too long for their team to get here, but we have to preach patience for this team. That signing class making up this year’s freshmen was great, but they’re still just freshmen. Add in the fact that Alabama is still borderline immortal, the defending Heisman winner is in your division, and Auburn has ‘Most Improved Team’ all but locked up, and it’s really not all that important what the Rebs accomplish this season. Give it one more winter. Ole Miss should come back strong in 2014 and it’s impossible for the rest of the SEC West to be even deeper next season, right?

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Georgia, Duke

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Oklahoma, Minnesota, Nebraska

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.