USELESS Poll: Week 12

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

This can’t be serious. We can’t seriously be in the last few weeks of the regular season.

It seems like we just got started with all of this fun. We could swear that, just a week or two ago, teams were still battling oppressive heat during games, every conference was still wide open, and at least 75 percent of the Heisman frontrunners were scandal-free.

Oh well. Let’s cherish what little time we have left. Plenty of national powers are playing nobodies this week in anticipation of annual rivalry games next week, but there are still enough quality matchups to fill your Saturday and make you seriously think about ‘coming down with the flu’ from Monday through Wednesday to attain the ever-elusive nine-day weekend.

1. Alabama (defeated Mississippi State 20-7) – For the first time since last October, the Crimson Tide finally looked human. Of course, even when Alabama’s players are proven to be fallible, they’re still much better than the similarly human players that make up the rest of the teams in the college football landscape. The Tide’s defense was far too strong for Mississippi State, but the offense looked more like the struggling bunch that sputtered in the season opener than the well-oiled machine that has been embarrassing al comers for the last two months. That said, Christmas will come early for college football when the Iron Bowl – already one of the best rivalries in the sport – now has the added benefit of decided the SEC West champion.

2. Florida State (defeated Syracuse 59-3) – This season has everything that you could ever ask for. Not only do the purists have traditional powers like Alabama and Ohio State in the hunt, but the new-school guys have Cinderella contenders like Baylor and Missouri charging hard down the stretch. Then, for those of us who are drama-loving 15 year old girls at heart, we have the emerging Florida State scandal. Jameis Winston hasn’t been formally charged with anything yet, but Thursday’s announcement of his DNA being found on his alleged victim’s clothing has officially taken away the “this-is-all-totally-fabricated” excuse. The Seminoles are a great team even without Winston, but probably can’t win a national title without their Heisman hopeful quarterback. Then again, you never know what the NCAA is going to do. That organization is bipolar enough to knock down the doors and declare FSU bowl ineligible on a whim if Mark Emmert wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

3. Ohio State (defeated Illinois 60-35) – The Buckeyes couldn’t quite cover the 32.5 point spread last weekend, but continued their string of absolute beatdowns in a valiant attempt to prove to the nation that they really are an elite team despite no other Big Ten schools being able to give them a decent game. We always try to give teams with weak schedules the benefit of a doubt, but it’s hard to do the same for OSU. When it comes to elite teams scheduling absolute cupcakes, the Buckeyes are a perennial offender. Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal and Florida A&M make for a pitiful non-conference schedule to say the least. As soon as the Buckeyes play a non Big Ten team that can make a New Year’s  Day bowl game, we’ll give them a little more credit.

4. Baylor (defeated Texas Tech 63-34) – Seeing Baylor pop up on the schedule has to be a total nightmare for any defensive coordinator. Even in games where teams have held the Bears in check for a quarter or so, Baylor eventually comes out swinging and lights up the scoreboard. It seems as if the Bears are destined to score 60-70 points per game, no matter what. Any time you stop them, it just makes the next scoring drive that much quicker and demoralizing. The real victims in the Bears’ season are those poor, poor officials. With fellow offensive juggernaut Oklahoma State on the schedule this week, the Big XII needs to send its most physically fit crew just to keep up with the scoring.

5. Oregon (defeated Utah 44-21) – The Ducks may have seen their national title hopes go down the drain against Stanford two weeks ago, but the Cardinal’s loss to USC last weekend reopened the door for Oregon to play for a conference title and a BCS bowl. Oregon still seemed a bit hungover from being dominated at Stanford as the Utah game began, but the Ducks eventually regained their form and made things look easy over the final two quarters. If Florida State and Alabama continue to roll the nation will likely get a nice appetizer to the national championship game as Oregon and Ohio State get together in the Rose Bowl.

6. Clemson (defeated Georgia Tech 55-31) – If not for that pesky little 51-14 setback against Florida State, the Tigers would still be talked about every week as a great team. As it stands, the Tigers will have to continue to win – and win impressively – just to have a shot at a BCS at-large bid. Clemson has already been locked out of the ACC title game, but will get one final chance to plead its case to a national audience as it takes on South Carolina during rivalry week. That loss to the Seminoles killed all of his hype, but Tahj Boyd could sneak back into the Heisman race if the voters turn on Winston and Johnny Football in favor of a scandal-free candidate.

7. Missouri (did not play) – The Tigers have been, by far, the most consistent team in the SEC East this year. Missouri hasn’t had to deal with the rash of injuries that some of its rivals have, but credit is due to the Tigers for going without their starting quarterback for over a month without missing a beat. That said, the Tigers still have no room for error. Auburn’s last-second win over Georgia took away a possible three-way tie scenario in the division race, leaving only Mizzou and South Carolina in contention. The Tigers lead the Gamecocks by a game, but South Carolina is already done with conference play while the Tigers have two to go. One slipup and Missouri will watch the conference championship game from their dorms.

8. Oklahoma State (defeated No. 24 Texas 38-13) – Texas had been rallying hard around Mack Brown for over a month and even cracked last week’s poll, but Oklahoma put a quick end to the Longhorns’ undefeated Big XII run last week. Four teams are still in contention for the conference title – the Big XII doesn’t have enough members to play a single conference championship game – but it would be a shame if any school other than Okie State or Baylor raises the trophy in three weeks. That sets up this weekend’s game with Baylor as the de facto Big XII title game. Many teams have tried and failed, often hilariously, to stop Baylor’s offense. The Cowboys are one of a few teams that might be able to stay with the Bears blow for blow. Oklahoma State is a big underdog heading into the game, but could throw a sizable wrench into the BCS with a win.

9. Auburn (defeated Georgia 43-38) – It would take an economy-sized package of Charmin for Auburn to properly clean itself off after reaching so far up its ass for that win over the Bulldogs. The Tigers’ fourth quarter could be made into a book featuring absolutely everything that you shouldn’t do with a big lead late in the game. Auburn couldn’t move the chains on offense and totally abandoned the defense that had worked for it all day. Oh well. Auburn probably didn’t deserve that crazy bounce which miraculously ended up in the Tigers’ hands, but we’ll take it since it only serves to create more drama in the upcoming Auburn-Alabama game.

10. Texas A&M (did not play) – Johnny Football needs to get a nice fruit basket for Jameis Winston. People were LIVID that Manziel was getting away with one when not enough evidence could be produced to prove that he had been paid to sign autographs. Thanks to Winston’s (alleged) antics, a hotel room full of signed helmets is looking pretty innocent right about now. The Aggies can’t play for an SEC or national title, but another Johnny Football-esque performance against LSU with a national audience tuning in might be enough to make Manziel the second player in history with a pair of Heismans to his name.

11. Stanford (lost to USC 20-17) – A shoddy loss to Utah earlier in the season was probably going to take Stanford out of the national title race, but the Cardinal could have at least hoped to sneak in if things got crazy until they coughed up another game at USC last week. Stanford has been so close lately, but just can’t avoid a landmine or two somewhere along the line. Teams with flashy offenses like Oregon or Baylor will endure a litany of “we knew that gimmick wouldn’t work all year” every time they lose. You could easily say the same thing about Stanford. The Cardinal might run a traditional, pro-style, power offense, but they don’t have a quarterback who can make the big throws. As soon as Hogan spends a game misfiring, Stanford is in trouble.

12. Michigan State (defeated Nebraska 41-28) – Michigan State’s dominating defensive statistics took a bit of a hit, but Sparty was able to claim its first ever victory over Nebraska and stayed on line to play for the Big Ten championship. If not for Notre Dame deciding to play its one really good game of the season, we could have a huge mess on our hands at the top of the BCS standings. Lucas Oil Stadium has been a good host for the conference title game, but we think a change should be made. The Big Ten has taken a lot of flak for going soft over the last couple of years. The conference could save some face if we pitted 12-0 Ohio State against 11-1 Michigan State in a muddy snowstorm for an afternoon game where it’s dark by 4:30. NOSTALGIA!!!

13. Fresno State (did not play) – When the season began, Fresno State was the popular pick as the non-BCS team most likely to run the table and crash the big name bowls. The Bulldogs have held up their end of the bargain, but Northern Illinois is also unbeaten and is gaining ground in the rankings. Only one will make it into the BCS if both stay unbeaten. Fresno State has the easier road. The Bulldogs have just 11 regular season games to win, thanks to a September game against Colorado that was called due to flooding. Fresno also has the advantage of not having disappointed the BCS masses like NIU did last season. On the other hand, Northern Illinois has a slight edge in strength of schedule and – as ridiculous as Tuesday and Wednesday football might seem to some – is recognized as a legitimately good team by far more casual fans.

14. South Carolina (defeated Florida 19-14) – The Gamecocks are never going to win any style points for the way they work through a season, but it’s hard to argue with results. If not for an inexplicable loss to Tennessee and the misfortune of playing Georgia before all of the Bulldogs’ good players decided to die, South Carolina could have already wrapped up the SEC East and might be getting sized up for championship rings. Instead, the Gamecocks must hope that Missouri slips up in the next two weeks and must beat in-state rival Clemson to stay in the hunt for an at-large BCS bowl. It doesn’t seem like the NFL is in Connor Shaw’s future, but we think he’d make a great spokesman for AMC hit show ‘The Walking Dead’. Aside from the fact that he never goes away – we’re pretty sure that Shaw has been on the roster for about seven years – the guy has been beat up and helped off the field dozens of times. You can hurt him, but you can’t kill him. Shaw’s thirst for brains and the occasional wide open skinny post are insatiable.

15. Northern Illinois (defeated Toledo 35-17) – The Huskies looked good earlier this week as they continue their quest to join Boise State and TCU as the only non-BCS conference teams to make back-to-back BCS bowl games. Northern Illinois looked solid in beating a pretty good Toledo squad and has a virtual cakewalk scheduled against Western Michigan next week to complete another undefeated regular season. The MAC might not have the best football in the country, but its conference championship game almost always makes for a good game. That trend could continue this season as Buffalo is quietly having a stellar season.

16. Central Florida (defeated Rutgers 41-17) – The Knights escaped consecutive weeks with close victories, but regained their stride and put an absolute beatdown on Rutgers Wednesday night. Normally, we don’t advocate fans rooting for a rival team from its conference in the postseason. Of course, this sentiment is usually in response to some fan of a 6-6 SEC team trying to tell you all about how Alabama winning a title means that Mississippi State would go undefeated in any other conference. That kind of craziness gets tiresome, but we totally understand fans pulling for a normal rival if the conference as a whole could use the good press. The Zombie Big East has produced a few decent teams this season, but there are six or seven laughing stocks thrown in there as well. Central Florida is going to enter the BCS with the respectability of an entire conference on its shoulders. Luckily, it seems like those avoided upsets over the last few weeks will ensure that the ZBE is putting its best foot forward in January.

17. UCLA (defeated Washington 41-31) – All of the attention for the Pac-12 has been hogged by Oregon and Stanford so far this season, but the conference’s South division is shaping up for a great finish. UCLA, Arizona State and USC are all in contention to win the division and play for a spot in the Rose Bowl. Even better, all three still have a game against one of the other two teams in the coming weeks, making ASU’s current advantage a bit flimsier. This is where UCLA needs to take advantage of its biggest weapon. Brett Hundley is a better quarterback than Arizona State or USC can boast and did a great job under pressure last week when the Bruins ran out of running backs. If Hundley wants to go early in the NFL draft, getting his team to the conference title game will be a great start.

18. The NFL Thanksgiving Night Game (defeating awkward conversations with distant relatives) – Thanksgiving and football are a perfect fit for each other. For the last 28 or so years, the USELESS Poll creator’s Thanksgiving routine has been the same. Wake up late, watch about 15 minutes of the parade, convince himself to not eat breakfast to save room for dinner, watch the Lions lose, start pouting because dinner is taking too long, proceed to eat until doctors confirm that he is 25 percent turkey/stuffing mixture, watch the Cowboys game, then sleep. That’s a solid plan, but it’s been made even more foolproof by the addition of the night game. Who wants to watch great aunt Edna get sauced on cheap wine and ramble on into vaguely racist anecdotes about the past? Nobody. Enter the NFL and their late game. By the time the Steelers and Ravens kick off, you should be waking up from the turkey coma that you slipped into during the third quarter of the Dallas game. Waddle on over to the fridge, make yourself a sammich, then watch the game until the local news breaks in with coverage of the riots that have broken out at the mall.

19. Arizona State (defeated Oregon State 30-17) – The Sun Devils might have gotten a bit more credit for a nice win over the Beavers if the wheels hadn’t come flying off of Oregon State over the last few weeks. Oregon State was a scoring machine before getting a raw deal in its scheduling. The Beavers had a tough draw against Stanford, then had to play USC just as the Trojans caught their stride. By the time OSU had to travel to Tempe, all of their early-season spark was gone. At this point, Arizona State probably doesn’t mind. The Devils lead the South division as the only school with just one conference loss and hold the tiebreaker over USC. A win against UCLA will put the Devils one victory away from the BCS.

20. Wisconsin (defeated Indiana 51-3) – When Wisconsin lost a tough battle to Ohio State early in the season, the writing was on the wall for the Badgers. They were one of only two teams on Ohio State’s regular season schedule that had even the faintest chance of taking down the Buckeyes. The loss to OSU pretty much condemned the Badgers to second place in their division before the season really got going. Knowing that, Wisconsin has been taking out its frustrations for the last two months. Since that loss to Ohio State, only BYU has forced the Badgers to break a sweat. It’s looking like a 10-2 finish for ‘Sconsin, but an abundance of undefeated and one-loss teams at the top of the pile and the weak Big Ten are still making a BCS bowl a 50/50 shot for the Badgers at the moment.

21. Louisville (defeated Houston 20-13) – The style of football that the Cardinals play is perfectly suited for the NFL, but it’s taking them out of the running for big name bowls. Louisville has had most of its opponents thoroughly outclassed, but seems content to carry them along, pulling out a 7-10 point win in the final quarter. The Cardinals’ only loss has come in the last minute against a top-15 team and yet everything about their season has been pretty underwhelming even after taking into account their weak schedule. Louisville will probably still get an invite to a decent bowl, but future seasons won’t pan out as well as the new postseason structure might clear the way for some bigger bowls to cut ties with the Zombie Big East if it doesn’t improve quickly.

22. Oklahoma (defeated Iowa State 48-10) – Much has been made about the demise of the Big Ten over the last couple of years, but the USELESS Poll prefers to take aim at a general region of the country instead of a specific conference. Midwest… c’mon, guys. You’re not doing your flat, corn-and-wheat-filled swath of territory any favors this season. With the exception of Oklahoma State, there isn’t an interesting team in all of flyover country. Oklahoma has lost its status as an elite title contender, all of Kansas is just awful and even Nebraska is as plain as plain can be. Unless you’re willing to venture into Texas, there really isn’t much in the way of good college football between the Mississippi River and the Rockies.

23. LSU (did not play) – For a second straight year the Bayou Bengals are playing well, but are out of the race for the SEC West before Thanksgiving. Honestly, it comes as a bit of a surprise that LSU is still in a position to finish in the top three of the division. While Alabama continues to dominate, Auburn keeps on gaining steam, and Texas A&M continues to ride Johnny Football to wins, the Tigers have taken a step back from the team they were over the first six weeks of the season. Zach Mettenberger no longer looks like a late blooming NFL prospect and the defense is a far cry from the unit that made big plays and forced turnovers throughout September.

24. Sensible Christmas decorations (defeating the 100,000 volt shitshow on your neighbor’s lawn) – Here at USELESS Poll headquarters in Statesboro, Ga., we’ve already seen at least one obnoxious person fill every square inch of their lawn and house exterior with lights and animatronics displays. It’s actually hard to comprehend how these people store all of that crap during the other 10 months of the year. They have to have a storage locker somewhere. Regardless, they’re breaking two cardinal rules of Christmas decorating. Never put up lights before Thanksgiving (preferably before Dec. 1) and NEVER, EVER put up so many decorations that the occasional stray light aircraft tries to land on your street. This really shouldn’t have to be repeated every year. They should equip police with light meters and city council should set some limit on the candlepower each house is allowed to emit.

25. USC (defeated No 6 Stanford 20-17) – There’s never a dull moment for the Trojans of USC. Earlier in the season, those not in the loop of USC football would have thought that the sky was falling. Even though the Trojans weren’t expected to be in the hunt for a national title, Lane Kiffin’s shortcomings worked their way into the news cycle each week. The Trojans only lost two games in that span, but the sensationalism that went along with each made them look like they were a total dumpster fire. Now Ed Ogeron is in charge and a complete polar shift has taken place. All of the sudden, USC’s aura has switched back to its familiar sunshine, good times, and winning football – albeit with a heavy Cajun accent nowadays. You can like the Trojans or hate them, but never accuse them of being boring.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Ole Miss, Duke

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Cincinnati, Minnesota, Texas

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.