USELESS Poll: Week 13

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

We’ve made it through 13 weeks of action and finally have one of the two teams that will play for a national title. As for the second team, it’s down to a de facto national semifinal in the SEC Championship game.

Personally, we’re a little disappointed at how things have shaken out. Nothing against the three teams that are in the mix – they’re all very good and deserving. But wouldn’t this be much more fun if we could take the top 8 (all of whom can win any game on any given day) and let them duke it out for the next month or so?

This Saturday’s SEC championship game and the national title game should be good ones, but we’d still like to dream of the day when there are a half dozen of these elite matchups at the end of each year instead of just one or two.

1. Notre Dame (defeated USC 22-13) – Many of the Notre Dame doubters spent the week trying to convince the nation (or maybe just themselves) that USC had tons of threats even without Matt Barkley and even that backup quarterback Max Wittick was just as capable of leading the Trojans to victory. Maybe those people are just that deep in denial or maybe they’re just not all that bright. The Irish defense – regardless of any NFL talent on an opposing offense – is just nasty. Only three teams on Notre Dame’s schedule have reached the end zone more than once. Manti Te’o came up with another interception and plenty of big plays, just as he has all season. The offense continues to do enough to win and not totally screw things up. It’s like watching the 2000 Oklahoma Sooners all over again. Kudos to the Irish. They’re just one win away from a champioinship.

2. Alabama (defeated Auburn 49-0) – We could have sworn that the SEC’s designated slot for FCS opponents was a couple of weeks ago. And yet, there was Alabama just last weekend lining up and playing a team that could hardly cross midfield, much less put up some competition. Give credit to the Crimson Tide. Their national title hopes looked pretty bleak after that loss to Texas A&M, but the Tide kept rolling, a few breaks went their way, and now they’re right back in the game.

3. Oregon (defeated No. 17 Oregon State 48-24) – And now, we present the strongest case for a playoff. Sure, there is one on the way, but it’s already way past due and yet another team is left out in the cold because of a crappy system. Where Alabama caught all of the breaks necessary to get back in the game after its loss, the Ducks weren’t as fortunate. Oregon looked like its usual self in piling up 48 points against a very good Beaver defense, but was shut out of its conference title game. Alabama actually benefitted by losing to a team that finished third in its division while the Ducks were punished for losing to a team that – had Oregon gone undefeated – would have finished second. It’s a raw deal for Oregon, but a team that could take down at least 99 percent of the FBS squads will have to hope that it will get an at large BCS bid. If not, say hello to the Alamo Bowl.

4. Georgia (defeated Georgia Tech 42-10) – The Bulldogs’ schedule – or lack thereof – has been a constant talking point throughout the season on this poll. But give Georgia credit. It lost early enough in the year to recover and has won every other game, which is tough to do no matter who you play. Georgia can punch its ticket to the national championship game with a win this week, but will have to get through its first real challenge since October as Alabama awaits. Aaron Murray has been one of the most efficient quarterbacks in the country, thanks in large part to a running game that keeps most defenses lunging forward at the snap. Alabama will be up to that challenge, so it will be on Murray to get the job done against a defense that won’t be scared of the run.

5. Florida (defeated No. 10 Florida State 37-26) - For as badly as Arkansas was overrated coming into the season. Fellow conference member Florida was criminally underrated. The Gators had some lowlights, to be sure. The Georgia game was sloppy and 7-point wins over Missouri and Louisiana-Lafayette are nothing to brag about, but when the Gators are clicking, it’s easy to see how they pushed as high as No. 2 in some polls. Florida has no shot at the national title, but for a team that was projected by some to finish fourth in the SEC East, the high-profile New Year’s bowl game that the Gators are heading for has got to be a huge accomplishment.

6. Ohio State (defeated Michigan 26-21) – It will be interesting to look back on this season in 50 years for many reasons. Mostly, the USELESS Poll hopes that it will be interesting because we’ll have to brush aside the naked ladies and confidential sports betting accounts on our HUD glasses while researching the archaic 2012 files, but also because this could be just an interesting black mark on the soon-to-come dominance of Ohio State. Urban Meyer was expected to improve the Buckeyes when he accepted the job. Many thought that he could bring them back to the top of the national stage. ABSOLUTELY NOBODY thought that he’d be able to do it in his first year while ineligible for the postseason and while suffering from scholarship reductions. If this is Ohio State in its crippled state, then God help the Big Ten for the next decade.

7. Stanford (defeated No. 14 UCLA 35-17) – As if the upset win over Oregon two weeks ago wasn’t bad enough, the Cardinal grabbed a big handful of duck poop and rubbed it in Oregon’s wounds as they railroaded UCLA to clinch the Pac-12 North and squash the Ducks’ national (and conference) championship hopes. It’s a bit disappointing that the win over the Bruins was so one-sided as we get the rare opportunity to see two football teams play each other two weeks in a row since they’ll meet on Saturday in the Pac-12 title game. Maybe UCLA will have a better game plan this time around, but the Cardinal seem determined to end the season with a Rose Bowl victory.

8. LSU (defeated Arkansas 20-13) – The Tigers were thoroughly outplayed for more than half of their game against Arkansas, but still found a way to win. But that can be excused. For all of the teams that have played some questionable games or suffered devastating losses in this year’s acid trip of an SEC season, LSU is the one team that really hasn’t played a bad game. Florida played basically a perfect game to beat the Tigers and LSU showed all kinds of fight in battling back against Alabama, only to let things slip away in the final minute. Despite having three SEC teams ranked above it and dropping five spots over the course of the season, LSU has been consistent. We applaud the Tigers for that, but losses will still hurt you, even if they were coin-flip games.

9. Kansas State (did not play) – The only thing worse than gagging away a clear path to the national championship game is having an entire week without another game to think about it. Of course, the Wildcats still have one more regular season game coming up this week which brings about an equally troubling prospect of having to spend a lonely holiday weekend in Manhattan, Kansas. Then again, if any of the K-State players tagged along with their coach on the day after Thanksgiving, Bill Snyder’s AARP discount, on top of Black Friday sales, would be INSANE.

10. Texas A&M (defeated Missouri 59-29) – In what was quite the fitting end to the first SEC seasons of the conference’s newest members, both ends of the “moving to the SEC” spectrum were fully realized. Texas A&M notched its 10^th win and proved itself to be worthy of any competition while Missouri struggled to its first losing season in a decade. Despite the gap between the Aggies’ and Tigers’ records, both should feel vindicated. After barging into a conference containing a few fans who would swear that even Ole Miss and Kentucky would plow through any other conference in the land, both notched wins and are able to join the rest of the constituency in laughing at Auburn.

11. Oklahoma (defeated Oklahoma State 51-48) – Of all of the catchy nicknames given to all of the rivalry games throughout college football, there isn’t one that describes the actual game more than ‘Bedlam’ between Oklahoma and Oklahoma State. We can’t remember the last time that this game didn’t involve either A.) an upset, B.) overtime, C.) half a dozen lead changes, or D.) a clinched conference/division title. The only downside of this annual instant classic is that it is played on Saturday and often gets hung up in the mess of the late afternoon and early evening schedules. Now that the Iron Bowl has moved back to Saturday, Bedlam should move up to Friday and be one of the few marquee games that will draw millions of viewers who are just waking up from their turkey coma.

12. Florida State (lost to No. 5 Florida 37-26) – It’s just not a good time to be a quarterback. About a third of the NFL’s passers have gone down in the last three weeks and the trend made the leap down to college during rivalry week as a late injury to E.J. Manuel denied any hopes of a Florida State comeback against the Gators. The loss is especially damaging in that the Seminoles needed some sort of quality win to stay in the high esteem of both the computers and the pollsters. FSU has beaten just one ranked team all season and although the Noles will likely roll through Georgia Tech to reach the BCS, they will have to be very impressive to end the year in the top-10.

13. South Carolina (defeated No. 12 Clemson 27-17) – South Carolina kept its BCS hopes alive with an impressive win over bitter rival Clemson last week. Assuming that the winner of the SEC title game is going to the national championship and that the loser is also getting a BCS bid, there is still room for one more SEC team. That makes for an interesting struggle between the Gamecocks, Texas A&M and LSU. Despite having the lowest ranking, Carolina might end up with the most impressive looking win if Georgia is able to beat Alabama. No matter the outcome of the SEC title game, it will be an interesting conversation when it comes to the at-large BCS selections. There are only 10 spots and seven are already reserved for Notre Dame and the six BCS conference championships. By our count that leaves three spots for Bama/UGA loser, Texas A&M, LSU, Carolina, Oregon, Oklahoma and Florida to fight over.

14. Nebraska (defeated Iowa 13-7) – In a newly formed Big Ten showdown that one USELESS Poll reader has deemed “Farmaggedon”, both teams were stout defensively and the Cornhuskers were just barely able to limp away with a win even though the Hawkeyes have been horrible for most of the season. Such are the ways of Nebraska. When the Huskers are clicking, they look BCS quality. When the offense sputters, they look like they deserve to be playing in 30 degree temperatures, 20-plus mile per hour winds, and in the middle of nowhere… Of course, Nebraska didn’t have to travel the whole way to Iowa for that.

15. Clemson (lost to No. 15 South Carolina 27-17) – Clemson has been matching Florida State blow for blow this season and that trend didn’t stop when it came time to lose a heartbreaker to an out of conference rival. Much like the Seminoles, Clemson has had plenty of wins, but not many impressive opponents vanquished. The Tigers had a great opportunity to position themselves for an at-large BCS bid, but that flew out the window after the loss to Carolina.

16. Insanely huge lottery jackpots (defeating scratch-offs $365 million-free ticket) – Is there a bigger racket in the world than Powerball and Mega Millions? Seriously, folks. You do realize that hitting the jackpot has worse odds than you being struck by lightning at the exact same time that Scarlett Johansson AND Kate Upton both profess their love for you and get into the world’s sexiest catfight, right? Just stick to good old-fashioned illegal bookies and sports wagering. You’ll never make $300 million, but having the spare cash that proves you know things about sports is really the ultimate bragging rights.

17. Kent State (defeated Ohio 28-6) – Teams like Louisiana Tech and Ohio garnered most of the non-BCS attention in the polls for most of the season, but ever since knocking off then-unbeaten Cincinnati in October, the Golden Flashes have come screaming into the picture and are threatening to break into the top-15. If not for a mind-boggling blowout loss to Kentucky in Week 2, Kent State would be undefeated and high enough up in the polls to lock itself into a BCS spot. That’s the biggest reason to have a sizeable playoff in FBS. Things are just more fun when a Cinderella gets a shot. Those who love the traditional powers could have their fun every time an upstart program gets beaten by 50 while people who share in the USELESS Poll’s ideals can celebrate the fact that everyone is getting an honest shot to play for a title.

18. UCLA (lost to No. 9 Stanford 35-17) – The Bruins were riding high after taking out USC and clinching the Pac-12 South, but were quickly brought down to earth by Stanford. UCLA will have to line up against the Cardinal once more this week in the conference title game, but even though another beatdown might be in store, the Bruins at least have some dignity heading into this year’s Pac-12 Championship. The Bruins reached the game last season, but only did so because of USC’s ineligibility and had to petition the NCAA to play in a bowl game after a loss in the Pac-12 title game dropped their record below .500. That’s just embarrassing (Georgia Tech, we’re looking in your general direction).

19. Northern Illinois (defeated Eastern Michigan 49-7) – Here at USELESS Poll headquarters, a lot of NCAA Football gets played. And by ‘a lot’, we’re talking on-our-third-Xbox 360-in-seven-years frequency. Needless to say, there is some quality pretend football going on and one of the favorite pastimes is taking the usual doormat of a team and turning them into a contender. As the years have gone by, we’ve seen teams like Nevada, New Mexico State, Florida Atlantic and – one beautiful, endless summer – Temple turn into untouchable juggernauts of college football. That said, Eastern Michigan has never even been considered to become one of these rags-to-riches stories. The Eagles are just too god-awful. We’d probably burn up another Xbox just from the hardware trying to figure out how to display an EMU victory.

20. Louisville (lost to Connecticut 23-20) – The Cardinals are only in the No. 20 slot due to the poll’s insistence on having at least one team from each BCS conference in the top-20. We realize that the Cardinals are in no way deserving of this ranking. Instead, let their ranking serve as a symbol for how outdated the entire BCS system has become. Any of the six conferences held in such high esteem as to have a standing invitation to the year’s biggest games waiting for their champions should have no problem fielding teams that are in the top-20, right? No… Apparently, that’s not right. That’s not right at all. Oh well, at least we’ll get a Louisville-Rutgers showdown this week for the Big East title. That should have the intensity of a BCS game even if it is sorely lacking the talent of one.

21. Utah State (defeated Idaho 45-9) – Hey, that team from Utah is in the poll. No. Not THAT team from Utah… And not that other team from Utah either… Wait a minute. Are there actually three teams from freaking Utah playing in the FBS? How did that happen? It’s weird enough to think about three rosters worth of FBS talent actually moving to Utah to play, but we weren’t even aware that there are three different cities in Utah. We were pretty sure that it was just Salt Lake City, Provo, and all of those salt flats where extreme daredevils drive their rocket cars.

22. Boise State (defeated Colorado State 42-14) – The Broncos are one win away from hitting the double-digit win mark for the 12^th time in 14 seasons with a game against Nevada and a bowl game still on the schedule. We’ve mentioned it a couple of times before, but it’s worth repeating that Boise State is having another great year and is doing so with just six seniors holding regular starting positions. The Broncos had some hiccups early on, but certainly seem to have found their stride. With point totals of 32 or more in six of its last eight games, Boise looks like it might be gearing up for another BCS run next season.

23. Oregon State (lost to No. 3 Oregon 48-24) – After watching Oregon get knocked off the week before, Oregon State had to know that the Ducks were going to rain down all holy hell on it. With Oregon ticked off about its national title hopes circling the drain, it was really inevitable that the Beavers were going to take a licking (aaaaannnnnnd there goes our PG-13 rating). Oregon State put up a decent fight, but surrendered a bit too much on defense early on. If the Ducks sense some blood in the water in the first quarter, it’s all over. At least the Beavers should still have a decent bowl game to look forward to.

24. Northwestern (defeated Illinois 50-14) – The Wildcats missed out on a great chance to play for a Big Ten title this season with three come-from-ahead conference losses, but finished strong with a smackdown of Illinois last week. Unfortunately for Northwestern, it’s only a matter of time before another school is going to come courting head coach Pat Fitzgerld who – for the USELESS Poll’s money – is one of the ten best coaches in all of college football. The Wildcats have been on the brink of being a great team a few times in the last five years, but it seems like there are just too many factors playing against it. In addition to having traditional powers like Michigan, Ohio State and Nebraska to contend with each season, Northwestern also deals with a recruiting double-whammy, combining the stringent academic standards of Duke or Stanford with the horrible weather of any school located within 100 miles of one of the Great Lakes.

25. Rutgers (lost to Pittsburgh 27-6) – The Scarlet Knights drop out of this week’s designated top-20 spot for the Big East by virtue of have the more pathetic loss between themselves and Louisville. But, as mentioned in Louisville’s post, at least that loss sets up Thursday’s game between the Cardinals and Knights to be a big one. Hopefully, it will be a repeat of the 2006 showdown. A few big plays, a nice comeback and a thrilling finish. Hopefully, this game won’t also include USELESS Poll members getting pulled over on the way home from the county line after picking up some gametime supplies.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Michigan, Texas, San Jose State

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Oklahoma State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.