USELESS Poll: Week 10

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

We’re going to go ahead and dub last week the entire nation’s bye week.

It’s not that there weren’t any exciting games. In fact, last week was still miles ahead of the dreadful third week of September when every legitimate team in the country was either off or playing a horribly overmatched opponent.

But last week saw a ton of team in the USELESS Poll take a week off. We’re willing to overlook that fact since they were resting up for plenty of marquee matchups this week. When all is said and done this Sunday, there will still be plenty of work left to do for any teams looking to make a run at the national title. Of course, for a few other teams, this week will have been the end of the road for any dreams of claiming that crystal ball.

1. Alabama (did not play) – For the first time in over a month, Alabama will have to take on a team with a legitimate chance of knocking it off the top of the totem pole. We staunchly refuse to remove a two-time defending national champion from the top spot until it loses, but we’re very aware of the fact that the Crimson Tide just barely walked away from the only good team they’ve had to play this season. LSU is up this week and would love nothing more than to pay back the Tide for that NC loss a couple of years ago. Bama gets the home field advantage, but maybe two straight weeks of rumors about Nick Saban jumping ship for Texas have messed with the team’s focus.

2. Oregon (did not play) – The Ducks have undoubtedly spent the last two weeks in hiding, silently stewing over last year’s loss to Stanford that cost them a chance to play for either a Pac-12 or a national championship. That’s enough time to bring up a lot of old anger that can be used for momentum. Given the lavish conditions of Oregon’s newly refinished football complex / Bond villain lair, that’s also plenty of time to really kick back and recharge the batteries. Last season, Stanford held the Ducks to just 14 points. Oregon has scored at least three times as many points against 19 of the other 20 opponents it has faced since the beginning of last year. It sounds weird to say that a team NOT scoring 42 points is a fluke, but who are we to ignore the stats?

3. Florida State (defeated No. 7 Miami(FL) 41-14) – The Seminoles hadn’t made it past September in serious contention for a national title before this season. Now that FSU is back in the national spotlight, it certainly seems to be enjoying itself. The Noles have played two primetime games against top-10 opponents this season and have utterly embarrassed both. Those impressive performances, combined with Jameis Winston’s freshman Heisman campaign, combine to make Florida State an incredibly likeable story for most of the country. With wins over both Clemson and Miami, the Seminoles have basically already punched their ticket into the ACC championship game. Now it’s just a matter of continuing to win while hoping that either Alabama or Oregon slips up somewhere along the line.

4. This space intentionally left blank – After that impressive performance against Miami, Florida State slips into the very top tier of teams in this week’s USELESS Poll. As far as we’re concerned (at least for this week) everyone else in the nation is just playing for fun. Below this line, every subsequent school either has a loss and can’t catch up to the top three, or is still undefeated, but stands no chance of moving into NC contention without the help of Bama, Oregon or FSU losing.

5. Ohio State (defeated Purdue 56-0) – People aren’t about to give Ohio State a break for having the misfortune of playing in the weakest Big Ten in decades. Of course, that doesn’t seem to be keeping the Buckeyes from exterminating their conference rivals with extreme prejudice. Personally, we think that OSU is already resigned to its fate. Most of the team has already felt the sting of going undefeated without having a chance to play for a title, so another year of the same will just stoke the fires for a 2014 team that will again be the overwhelming favorite to win the conference. Now that the Buckeyes are at least eligible for a bowl, the BCS had better hope that some other stellar team beats Ohio State so that the final season of the current system can save a bit of face.

6. Stanford (did not play) – The Cardinal have overcome an early loss to bounce back into the upper levels of the rankings, but one huge hurdle stands in the way of Stanford getting back into contention for a conference title or a BCS bowl. The Cardinal made the trip up to Eugene and came away with an upset victory last year and will now have to deal with a bunch of pissed off Ducks. Much of the same Stanford defense that found a way to slow down Oregon last season returns for this week’s showdown, but the Ducks have also upgraded their offensive weapons. If Stanford doesn’t pull another trick out of its sleeve, it might not see this high of a ranking again this season.

7. Baylor (did not play) – Comparing the Bears’ offensive statistics to that of any other school has officially become ridiculous. Baylor is No. 1 in the nation in terms of yards per game and is nearly 100 yards ahead of second place Oregon. Over halfway into the season, that sort of differential is beyond absurd. Baylor has scored 69 or more points five times and has been held under 59 points just once. Oklahoma looms ahead as the Bears’ toughest challenge yet. We suspect that Baylor will still get most of the points it’s used to, but it’s only a matter of time before the Bears face a team good enough to keep the ball away from their offense for huge chunks of time to throw them off of their rhythm.

8. Clemson (defeated Virginia 59-10) – Eighth is a pretty high spot on the big board for a team with such a lopsided loss on its record, but since Florida State has laid waste to absolutely everything in its path so far, who’s to say that the Tigers didn’t actually put up a good fight? Clemson has rebounded from its embarrassing defeat as well as any team could hope to. Still, Clemson’s national title hopes are slim and none as FSU would have to drop a pair of ACC games just to get Clemson into the conference championship game. Oh well… Another year, another wondering of what could have been for the Tigers.

9. Missouri (defeated Tennessee 31-3) – It’s amazing how fine of a line some SEC fans are able to walk when it comes to loyalty to the conference. On one hand, you’ll find most SEC fans – and we don’t group the fans of each individual school into this generalization… They do a great job of that all by themselves - starting to fall in line with the Tigers and saying that they should be in the national championship game if they can win out for the rest of the regular season and in the SEC championship game. On the other hand, there is also no shortage of people who have been going nonstop on the number of ways that Missouri and its half-blooded Big XII-ness (Our words. Not yours, crazy SEC people) can still manage to lose and let a different SEC East team into the conference championship game. If Missouri loses another regular season game, then wins the conference title game to shut the entire SEC out of the national championship, Paul Finebaum’s show might literally explode.

10. Auburn (defeated Arkansas 35-17) – The immediate future of Auburn football lies entirely in the hands of the coach that is leading its current resurgence. Gus Malzahn orchestrated the offense that brought Auburn its national title a few years ago and is now in line for a ‘Coach of the Year’ award as he has taken no time in turning the Tigers from an 0-8 SEC team into a legitimate national power once again. But Malzahn isn’t tied to Auburn. He’s a native of Arkansas and played for the Razorbacks. If Bret Bielema doesn’t work out in a couple of years, Auburn has to be worried that Fayetteville will come calling.

11. LSU (did not play) – Losses to Georgia and Ole Miss earlier in the season may have prevented this week from being the latest ‘Battle of the Century’, but this week’s matchup between LSU and Alabama is still a huge one as far as the national championship landscape is concerned. The Bayou Bengals won’t be taking home another crystal ball this season, but a win this week would give them a small measure of revenge after enduring beatings from the Tide in each of their last two meetings Even more important, LSU likely needs a victory this week to keep from sliding to another third-or-worse finish in the SEC West.

12. Fresno State (defeated Nevada 41-23) – The Bulldogs got past one of the biggest supposed trap games on their schedule as they had a relatively easy time putting away Nevada last week. Whether you love the non-BCS Cinderella stories or hate them, this is about the time of year where everyone needs to start paying attention to them. Assuming that Fresno continues to mow through its relatively light schedule, only a sizeable drop in the polls will prevent the Bulldogs from playing in a BCS bowl. Say what you will about non-BCS teams crashing the party, but the ridiculousness  of the occasional blowouts that these teams suffer, but it’s no less absurd than the 6-6 BCS conference teams that we’re forced to watch on weeknights throughout the final two weeks of December.

13. Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners have a chance to wreck another Big XII upstart’s dream – and also climb back into the conference race – as they pay a visit to Baylor. Bob Stoops has been taken to task over the past decade or so for being… um… let’s go with ‘less than stellar’ in games of great importance. Oklahoma is still in decent shape in the national polls, so if “Intermediate Game Bob” can get his boys to show up against the Bears, Oklahoma might still find its way into a BCS bowl.

14. Oklahoma State (defeated No. 20 Texas Tech 52-34) – Of all the contending Big XII teams, the Cowboys manage to avoid their toughest tests the longest. After taking out a Texas Tech team still licking its wounds from its first loss of the season, Okie State now gets to take a breather against Kansas. Of course, that means that the Cowboys’ final stretch will be the toughest. A gauntlet of Texas, Baylor, and Oklahoma are on the horizon. If the Cowpokes can somehow survive that murderer’s row, they’ll certainly be worthy of a conference title and a trip to the BCS.

15. Texas A&M (defeated UTEP 57-7) – Being a third-tier FBS school in Texas must really suck. Not only are you resigned to losing 7-12 games per season, but you rarely get to see any new sights while doing so. If the administrators at UTEP are so adamant about subjecting their football team to one horrible season after another, they should at least do those poor kids the service of occasionally sending them somewhere other than College Station, Austin, Fort Worth, etc. to get their asses kicked. There should be a new NCAA bylaw stating that any team losing nine or more games in consecutive years automatically gets to take a free road trip to play Hawaii. The Warriors are sucking half an ocean away, so it’s not as if they wouldn’t appreciate the opportunity to stay in their own beds while continuing to play crappy football.

16. Louisville (did not play) – Despite the Cardinals’ light schedule – and we’re being as diplomatic as possible when only referring to the schedule as ‘light’ – we wouldn’t be surprised if Louisville didn’t drop another game sometime soon. The Cardinals have used last year’s Sugar Bowl and this season’s mostly positive performances to maintain a spot in the rankings, but their last few games will be a study on what happens to Cinderella when midnight comes early. Louisville can easily make it back to the BCS by winning the Zombie Big East, but this season was only concerned with being the can-do, small market team that could push itself into the national title game. The Cardinals might be better off if UCF or Houston wins the conference, just so it doesn’t have to show up to the ‘second-tier’ Sugar Bowl or Orange Bowl again.

17. Miami (FL) (lost to No. 3 Florida State 41-14) – The Hurricanes played with fire a few too many times before Jameis Winston and the Seminoles were all too happy to burn them. Miami is a perfect example of why the USELESS Poll makes an effort to slowly slide teams up and down in the rankings instead of letting one incredibly good or bad night vault them over a dozen others or go crashing out of the poll altogether. The Hurricanes entered last week’s game against FSU ranked as high as sixth in some polls, but it turns out that there was plenty of insight behind that huge 21-point spread that was pretty accurate. The Hurricanes had their flaws and FSU exposed them. Throw in an injured Duke Johnson and Miami is now looking like just another team.

18. Wisconsin (defeated Iowa 28-9) – Now that the weather has turned icy up north, Big Ten powers can resume their longstanding tradition of winning games ugly. The Badgers are solid in pretty much every facet of the game, but they aren’t spectacular in any specific area. If Wisconsin turns the ball over a couple of times or gives up one fluke play, it lacks the overwhelming talent to easily overcome the mistakes and still run away with a win. Luckily, there aren’t too many Big Ten teams that even know what to do when you try to hand them a big play. The BCS bowl hopes aren’t incredibly strong for the Badgers just yet, but they should maintain focus since running the table should at least get them someplace warm to play in January.

19. Thanksgiving (defeating gym memberships by 5-10 pounds) – If you’re sitting on your couch wondering why Thanksgiving is being celebrated on this poll three full weeks beforehand, then you are not celebrating the holiday properly. If radio stations can switch to all Christmas formats on Nov. 1 and ‘Black Friday’ sales can keep on creeping backwards into Thanksgiving night, then we can damn well get a good three weeks of practicing – both cooking and eating – our Thanksgiving favorites before the big day actually gets here. In fact, this poll is coming out on a Thursday that features a pair of top-10 matchups. You should get to practicing right now. Grab a six pack, whip up some stuffing and mashed potatoes, then cram an entire rotisserie chicken into your face while ignoring everything else in your life during the Baylor-Oklahoma and Oregon-Stanford games.

20. Northern Illinois (defeated Massachusetts 63-19) – The director of the USELESS Poll dropped a little bit of money on last weekend’s games. One of the easy calls was Northern Illinois giving up 26.5 against UMass. His friend looked at a scoreboard and noted the luck when he saw the Huskies ahead by 27. Of course, this guy didn’t realize that it was still only halftime. NIU knows that it will have to do some dramatic things in order to make a BCS bowl after last season’s poor showing. Expect the Huskies to run up the score at any opportunity to try and grab every extra spot they can in the polls. If you can find a line that isn’t absurd, maybe wager on the Huskies and enjoy a steak dinner, courtesy of us.

21. Central Florida (did not play) – That win over Louisville on national television a few weeks ago is looking like less of a fluke each day. Sure, the Knights are still behind the Cardinals in this week’s poll, but that doesn’t matter too much. UCF owns the tiebreaker over Louisville and will be in a BCS bowl game if it runs the table to claim the Zombie Big East crown. Central Florida certainly has a strong schedule when compared to the rest of its conference mates. If the Knights can take down Houston this week, it would take a pretty big disaster to keep them from running away with the ZBE.

22. Michigan State (defeated Michigan 29-6) – Say what you will about the potency of most Big Ten teams, but we don’t think there are too many schools that would want to take on the Spartans’ defense. Sparty has given up more than 17 points just once this season, and some of those points came during garbage time in a rout of Indiana. A win over Nebraska this week will all but clinch the division of the Big Ten that we refuse, out of respect for not being totally idiotic with our commentary, to call the ‘Legends’. Of course, even running the table and beating Ohio State in the conference championship game will likely leave the Sparty party staring up at Alabama, Oregon, and Florida State.

23. South Carolina (defeated Mississippi State 34-16) – It’s simply astounding that South Carolina has just two losses this season. There is no team that can hit so many highs and lows while still emerging on the other side of the season with about the same record that all the experts predicted. But the Gamecocks’ most entertaining quirk is also our biggest concern about them. You can’t just run around getting your starting quarterback hurt every other game and having your coach’s silly comments grab more attention than any on-field accomplishments. South Carolina will win at least 8 (and maybe 9-10) games in the regular season, but will be totally dependent on Missouri hitting a snag if it is to make it to the SEC title game. It’s too bad. The nation really needs to see more of Spurrier chucking visors at a BCS level.

24. Arizona State (defeated Washington State 55-21) – By virtue of managing to avoid Oregon on this season’s schedule, Arizona has to be considered at least a co-favorite to win the Pac-12 South as we head into the final month of play. The Sun Devils still have tricky games against Utah and Oregon State in the next two weeks, but should be favored in both. This is a huge accomplishment. College football players aren’t exactly known for their ability to make good life decisions – even when trapped in boring college towns in the middle of nowhere. It should be considered a monumental achievement that a team that is consistently in the top-10 of Playboy Magazine’s party schools can also manage to pop up in the top-25 a handful of times each decade. Way to multi-task, Devils.

25. Notre Dame (defeated Navy 38-34) – The Fighting Irish once again were pushed to the brink by Navy. The fact that the Midshipmen could nearly upset Notre Dame wasn’t all that surprising half a decade ago when Paul Johnson’s system was still running rampant and the Irish couldn’t get anyone better than Mike Golic’s kid to come and play for them. But there’s less of an excuse nowadays. The Irish are back near the top of the rankings with each recruiting class while the 10-win seasons for the Midshipmen are a distant memory. The Notre Dame defense is still missing in action, but at least Tommy Rees is having a good year. Personally, we’re still upset that the Dayne Crist experiment never panned out. How can Notre Dame not win a title with a quarterback whose name is one letter away from being “Christ”? A little divine intervention would have been nice.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Texas Tech, UCLA

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Houston, Mississippi, Texas

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.