USELESS Poll: Week 8

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

For the first time in weeks, the top of the USELESS Poll stays rock solid. We’re already more than halfway through the season and the cream is starting to rise to the top.

Plenty of down-to-the-wire games highlighted this past week, as well as an unprecedented 8-for-8 performance in the pollsters’ pick’em challenge, made this quite an exciting week.

Notre Dame continues to find ways to come out on top while South Carolina went from stubbing its toe to potential freefall.

As for the rest…

1. Alabama (defeated Tennessee 43-13) – With each passing week, Alabama is relying more on its title as still-undefeated defending champion – and not impressive showings – to maintain its hold on the top spot. That isn’t exactly a knock on the Tide. It’s just that other teams near the top have piled up the signature wins while the continued crapification of the SEC West has left Alabama without any sort of challenger on the field so far. The Tide now faces three consecutive ranked teams, so we’ll soon see if keeping them up here all season was the right call.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 24 Arizona State 43-21) – Bad News: Arizona State was able to accomplish this poll’s goal for them and kept Oregon under 50 points. Good News: Oregon still racked up 43, and that was without even attempting to score in the second half. Oregon is like that one friend with the cool parents that got all of the new video games before anyone else on the block. He invites you over to play, but then you discover that he has figured out all of the cheat codes to NBA Jam and won’t share with you to make it an even fight. Eventually, you end up crying in a corner while Oregon is still running around and jumping 75 feet into the air while on fire. By the time the Ducks come out of their offense-fueled fever dream, Chip Kelly has to tell them that their friends gave up and went home two hours ago.

3. Florida (defeated No. 11 South Carolina 44-11) – Remember way back when the SEC East was South Carolina’s to lose? Those must have been a crazy three or four days in Columbia. During the media days and summer camp, the talking heads didn’t figure to be anywhere near the conference championship – much less the national championship – discussion. Most figured that all the Gators could look forward to was beating Tennessee for third place in the East and maybe get Dooly fired. But here we are in late October and Florida is the only undefeated team in the division. Gator fans shouldn’t get too content just yet though. Georgia is next on the schedule and the Bulldogs can control their own destiny if they take down Florida.

4. Notre Dame (defeated BYU 17-14) – Not a whole lot looked pretty for Notre Dame last week, but that big ‘0’ in the loss column still looks pretty nice. The defense continues to impress while giving the offense all the time in the world to figure things out. The Irish will need more than 17 points to beat Oklahoma and USC, but an undefeated season is likely if they can find a way to win those two. At Notre Dame’s current pace of slowly rising up in the rankings, our scientists calculate that they’ll reach No. 1 by: *checks calculator* December 21, 2012… Wait… That means… Nooooooooooo. Damn Mayans. You’ve seen our impending doom. No wonder the Catholic church is ramping up the canned food drives. They’re preparing for the apocalypse.

5. Kansas State (defeated No. 16 West Virginia 55-14) – A week after an unimpressive performance against Iowa State, the Wildcats made the trip out to West Virginia and beat the ever-loving crap out of the Mountaineers. West Virginia has already played its way out of Big XII contention and may have lost its shot at a Heisman winner as well. Going head-to-head against presumed Heisman favorite Geno Smith, KSU quarterback Colin Klein clearly looked like the superior player. Also, it really helps to have some premise of a defense for the occasional failed offensive drive. Bill Snyder may be stepping down from his head coaching position after this season, so the Wildcats had better savor this. We’ve all seen what Kansas State looks like when being run by anyone not named Bill Snyder.

6. LSU (defeated No. 21 Texas A&M 24-19) – The Tigers have rebounded nicely from that loss to Florida, beating South Carolina and now outlasting upstart Texas A&M. LSU has a week off before taking on Alabama in a game that – aside from likely determining the SEC West winner – might produce some hyperbole from analysts in the days leading up to the game. The USELESS Poll implores the Tigers to spend the extra week of practice searching for something that could even appear to resemble a competent offense. I don’t think that our country can handle another awful regular season LSU/Bama game like last year.

7. Oregon State (defeated Utah 21-7) – The Beavers are basically Notre Dame with a little more offensive identity. Oregon State hasn’t thrown up many amazing numbers, but opponent after opponent is unable to get anything going against the Beavers. We here at poll headquarters can’t wait for the annual Civil War game between the immovable object of the Beavers and the irresistible force that is the Oregon Duck offense. By the way, ‘Civil War’ doesn’t quite fit. There aren’t enough good stories of drunken fan violence during the game to constitute the name. Instead, let’s go with ‘Nike Bowl’.

8. Oklahoma (defeated Kansas 52-7) – The colors on the jerseys may have changed, but Oklahoma continued to display the dominance of its runaway win over Texas two weeks ago. The Sooners took about a month to get their offense going, but the last two games have started to make up for lost time. The Sooners are also benefitting from Kansas State’s continued good play as that loss to the Wildcats in Norman is looking more excusable with each KSU win. Oklahoma’s offense is in for a challenge this week as it takes on the stifling defense of Notre Dame. If Landry Jones can keep his offense firing, the Sooners might be on their way back into the top-5.

9. USC (defeated Colorado 50-6) – The Trojans are absolutely a top-10 team. Their only problem is that they aren’t the top-10 team that the media predicted they’d be at the beginning of the year. USC was supposed to ride Matt Barkley to 20 touchdown passes per game and never have to worry about games being close in the second half. To Barkley’s credit, he’s been good so far. But the huge expectations placed on him and his team have led to some hard-fought wins against quality teams being turned on their head and used as arguments that the Trojans are underperforming. USC finally gave those types of critics what they wanted as Barkley and company lit up the Fightin’ Kordell Stewarts for numbers that set no less than three records for futility by the Colorado defense.

10. Friends’ Weddings (consider this high ranking your gift) – Obviously, there are some big upsides to attending a friend’s wedding. There’s good food, the ability to dress up and feel all fancy, and – if you’re single – plenty of eligible ladies hanging around whose biological clocks start ticking loud enough to interrupt the ceremony. These weddings can be a burden if you have to travel halfway across the country or shell out a few hundred bucks for a suit/dress to be a part of the ceremony, but hopefully you have a cool set of friends that will at least be kind enough to load you up with alcohol afterwards. However, all of this goes out the window when a wedding is scheduled in the middle of football season. The poll is willing to at least try to understand the small oversight of marrying a girl who insists on a fall wedding so long as brides realize that in this day and age of smartphones, they are going to have a wedding and reception full of men clicking away and staring anywhere but at you and your fancy dress. Football waits for no bride.

11. Florida State (defeated Miami (FL) 33-20) – Fresh off of handing Boston College a huge loss, the Seminoles were all lined up for a bit of a down week. Combine that fact with a road date at a bitter and storied rival like Miami and FSU was all set up for one of those trap games that make such great talking points during the week. Aside from losing leading rusher Chris Thompson for the rest of the season, the Noles were on top of their game. Miami continues to underwhelm at every opportunity and it’s safe to say that the Hurricanes – and all of their fans that no longer show up for games – have lost all of their swagger from the early 2000s. Still, in this rivalry Florida State should be forced to make a 35-40 yard field goal before it can claim a victory.

12. Ohio State (defeated Purdue 29-22) – The Buckeyes continue to make even more of a joke of the Big Ten by trashing the records of all of the teams who are eligible to win the conference or play in a bowl. Ohio State’s win over Purdue wasn’t pretty and required a last-second touchdown, but it also proved that the Buckeyes can overcome what most people agree is their biggest weakness (aside from a fondness for free tattoos, of course). The Buckeyes don’t have any scary offensive playmakers outside of Braxton Miller, but faced with a deficit and after watching their quarterback get helped off of the field, they dug down and found just enough to get the win. Golf clap for OSU.

13. Clemson (defeated Virginia Tech 38-17) – If ever there was a time for Clemson to put on one of its usual mid-season meltdowns, last week was it. The Tigers survived their always-competitive game against Georgia Tech and welcomed in a Hokies squad that has gone from ACC favorites to fighting to stay above .500. Virginia Tech still has plenty of weapons and was able to take an early lead and was within seven points at halftime. Many other Clemson teams would have taken that opportunity to inexplicably fold, but Tajh Boyd continued his impressive season and kept the Tigers moving up in the standings.

14. Georgia (defeated Kentucky 29-24) – After taking a whipping at South Carolina and then receiving a bye week to stew on its problems, Georgia should have had no issues in coming out strong against a hapless Kentucky team. But the Bulldogs just can’t seem to get out of second gear, no matter the opponent. Any coach in the SEC would be right to say that the talent and athleticism on UGA’s roster rivals any other team in the conference, but the Bulldogs can’t make that translate to better performances on game day. If UGA doesn’t figure things out in the next few days, there won’t be enough large outdoor cocktails in all of Jacksonville to help ease the pain.

15. Texas Tech (defeated TCU 56-53 in 3 OTs) – So it’s decided… The Raiders can be a national contender so long as you give them a sufficiently douchy coach a few years to get things going. Texas Tech got everyone’s attention by being the first team to slow down West Virginia’s carnival fun house of an offense and – although the Raiders’ usually great defense was exposed – found a way to keep things going with a win over TCU. The quick rise up the rankings may be short-lived as Texas Tech travels to Kansas State this week, but if the Raiders can pull off the upset, the schedule eases up down the stretch and an 11-1 record isn’t out of the question.

16. Mississippi State (defeated Middle Tennessee State 45-3) – Another week goes by without MSU doing anything to ensure the USELESS Poll that it really belongs up here. The Bulldogs have played a steady diet of cupcakes with a combined record of 16-32, and that includes Jackson State, which is just 4-4 in FCS play. All of the fun and games will likely come to a screeching halt this week as Mississippi St. takes on Alabama. The Bulldogs might have the talent to give the Tide a game, but it’s hard to be up for a team like Bama when you haven’t challenged yourself once in the first two months.

17. Rutgers (defeated Temple 35-10) – The Scarlet Knights faced a tricky road game and Temple, but passed with flying colors. The Rutgers defense continues to be stingy and has accounted for nearly one-third of the team’s total touchdowns (8 of them to the offense’s 19). The biggest thing that the Knights have going for them is that they have a big head start in conference play over fellow Big East undefeated teams Louisville and Cincinnati. Rutgers has already played four conference games while Louisville has played two and Cincinnati just one. Rutgers has two relatively easy out-of-conference home games and should be a top-15 team as it enters a tough final stretch of at Cincinnati, at Pittsburgh and Louisville.

18. Louisville (defeated South Florida 27-25) – Just when it looked like the Cardinals were turning a corner, they go right back to their old ways of just barely scraping by against sub-par teams. South Florida was a trendy pick to win the Big East at the beginning of the season, but the Bulls are just 2-5 and winless in conference play. There was certainly no good reason for the Cardinals to have such a difficult time in getting the win. If the same Louisville team shows up to play Cincinnati on Friday night, it won’t be undefeated for much longer.

19. Michigan (defeated Michigan State 12-10) – With the Wolverines’ close, ugly win over their in-state rival, the USELESS Poll was convinced that Michigan deserves a spot in the rankings, but even more convinced that the Big Ten is utterly unwatchable. Somehow, there are only three teams in the entire conference with overall records that are under .500, but it seems like that number should be much higher.

20. Texas A&M (lost to No. 9 LSU 24-19) – The USELESS Poll refuses to dock teams just because they lose, and the Aggies are a prime example of why. Texas A&M has two losses – to the Nos. 3 and 6 teams in this week’s poll – by a combined total of eight points. In many other polls, the Aggies would have dropped from their previous week’s ranking and could have slipped out of the rankings altogether. But that doesn’t make sense. There aren’t a ton of teams out there that could stay within two touchdowns of either Florida or LSU. The Aggies couldn’t pull of the upset in either of their opportunities against those teams, but it deserves plenty of credit for taking both down to the wire.

21. Boise State (defeated UNLV 32-7) – Whether you love the Broncos for their underdog-iness or hate them for having the gall to not belong to the Pac-12 or Big XII, there is one thing that you can’t deny about them: Boise State wins the games that it is supposed to win more often than any other team in the nation. The Broncos haven’t lost a game to an unranked team since the 2007-08 season. Say what you will about weak schedules, but how many perennial top-20 teams can claim that they haven’t suffered a devastating upset in the last five years?

22. Stanford (defeated California 21-3) – It’s really hard to get a grip on just what exactly Stanford is. Two losses are a lot to take when we haven’t even hit Halloween, but both were on the road and one is a heartbreaker at the hands of a current top-5 team. Even considering their win over USC, the Cardinal haven’t done anything to set off fireworks. Stanford is – without trying to make this an insult in any way – as vanilla as it comes. Regardless of how many games Stanford wins or loses, 90 percent of people won’t realize it unless the Cardinal are playing their team. Stanford is a very good team, but it has lost all of its sex appeal without a No. 1 draft pick to keep it in the everyday news cycle.

23. Ohio (did not play) – The USELESS poll is putting out a call to all of its readers to help us discover where so many colleges got their nicknames. Sure, there are the generic, overused names like Eagles, Tigers, Warriors, etc., but so many universities have great back-stories to their names while some seem totally random. Some teams take after their state’s nickname like the Buckeyes and Hawkeyes. Others take after local fauna like the Gators and Rajun Cajuns. But what about schools like Ohio? Are we missing something? Are there random ferocious cats running about in central Ohio? Why do people from Western Kentucky revere those who are able to climb hills? These are the questions that keep us up all night. That doesn’t make us weird, right?

24. Mid-season coach firings (defeats common logic and sensible thinking) – For a few schools that fall out of any sort of playoff or high-profile bowl scenario early on, there is always the chance that your school will burst back into the headlines when it fires its head coach – usually without thinking about the millions of dollars still owed to the guy after the 10-year contract that he was given after one or two decent seasons. There are few things more entertaining than reading the press clippings and watching post-game conferences of guys who know that the axe is about to drop. There’s definitely a reality show hidden in here somewhere. Whatever that show is, there are surely millions who would pay to see it.

25. Toledo (defeated No. 22 Cincinnati 29-23) - Embrace the MACtion, everybody! The Mid-American Conference has never been confused for a power player on the national scene, but November is closing in and the conference still has four teams with one loss or less. The Rockets haven’t played the most intimidating schedule in the world, but last week’s win over Cincinnati is enough to earn this go-getter conference a second team in the poll.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Texas, Wisconsin, Nebraska

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Louisiana Tech, West Virginia

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 7

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Another week, another big shakeup in the poll.

But, of course, that’s to be expected in the middle of the season when heated conference rivalries produce tons of upsets. Adding to that drama, the BCS released its first poll of the season, so each week from here on out will have analysts and coaches pandering for their teams to be given that extra spot or two in the rankings.

Seeing as how the USELESS Poll is a strong advocate of an 8 or 16 team playoff to decide a champion, we really don’t pay much attention to anything that the BCS has to say. Someday, the NCAA will come to its senses. Until then, you’ll just have to keep coming here to find out how all of the teams really stack up.

1. Alabama (defeated Missouri 42-10) – Players from the Crimson Tide have gotten so good at football that they have now ventured into other sports. After putting last week’s game against Missouri well out of reach, an Alabama defensive lineman performed a reverse suplex worthy of any professional wrestling circuit. It’s good to see that the Tide isn’t becoming lazy over its total lack of challenging opponents. When faced with down time, it’s always nice to pick up a hobby.

2. Oregon (did not play) – In lieu of a scheduled game, the Ducks held a walkthrough practice on Saturday. Of course, with various Oregon players jogging unopposed downfield, it still took a while to make sure that this wasn’t just another great offensive performance. The Ducks still face the meat of their Pac-12 schedule, but until anyone even manages to slow them down, they will remain in the top-2.

3. Kansas State (defeated Iowa State 27-21) – Last week, the national media finally got around to musing that Kansas State might actually be a pretty good team. The Wildcats had to go on the road for a ‘Farmageddon’ showdown with Iowa State and were able to survive the Cyclones’ attempt to pull of their huge home win against a top-10 team that seems to happen every year or two. The Wildcats have more reason to brag as quarterback Colin Klein is starting to hear some whispers about a possible Heisman candidacy.

4. Notre Dame (defeated Stanford 20-13 in OT) – It only took seven years, but the golden domers finally got redemption for the infamous ‘Bush Push’ that cost them an upset over No. 1 USC. Whether you think that Stanford scored or not, there is no denying that the Irish defense is absolutely nasty. At the beginning of the season, Notre Dame was pegged by many – including this poll – as a pretty good team that would probably take its lumps because of a brutal schedule. Stanford was one of the teams that figured to give the Irish a hard time, but Notre Dame came from behind and showed in overtime that it is ready to win big games on the national stage.

5. Florida (defeated Vanderbilt 31-17) – Unlike their SEC East neighbors in Columbia, the Gators were able to figure out how to show up for a game the week after a signature win. Florida’s defense seems to be improving by the week and continuing good offensive performances against teams other than LSU makes it a strong candidate to be called a balanced team – something that few SEC schools can claim this season.

6. USC (defeated Washington 24-14) – The Trojans keep underperforming, yet those wins just keep piling up. USC’s offense isn’t nearly as explosive as it was supposed to be, yet the defense might be a bit better than advertised. Loads of preseason love, a bunch of wins, and NFL scouts continuing to laud the talent of nearly every offensive skill player at the top of the depth chart will keep USC up here for now, but the Trojans had better shape up before Oregon embarrasses them in front of about 50 million people.

7. Oregon State (defeated BYU 42-24) – It never ceases to amaze us here at the USELESS Poll when the media totally overreacts to a storyline that has a whole week to build up. Sure, no team wants to lose a starting quarterback, but the news that Sean Mannion was going to be out for a few games was treated like the end of the world by the news outlets and even the book makers. Oregon State has made its name with an incredibly stingy defense, so – while losing a quarterback is never good – why would the loss of an offensive player be treated like a death sentence? In typical form that undoubtedly left thousands of gamblers cursing their misfortune, the Beavers proceeded to not only win, but also put up their best offensive performance of the season.

8. LSU (defeated No. 3 South Carolina 23-21) – Football teams, much like wild animals, are most dangerous when cornered. That danger only grows when you also have a home night game and about 80,000 indignant Cajuns at your dispense. LSU spent all of last week being put through the grinder, but had a chance to redeem itself with new belle of the ball South Carolina coming to town. The Tigers spent most of the night showing the same offensive ineptitude that got them knocked down the rankings in the first place, but managed to dig down and get a win when they absolutely needed it.

9. Oklahoma (defeated No. 18 Texas 63-21) – Just when people think that the Sooners can’t be any less impressive, they go and do something like this… and totally redeem themselves. Perhaps fueled by the 127 different types of food that you can have deep fried for you at the Texas state fair, Oklahoma blew the doors off of the Longhorns. You have to feel bad for Texas. Most of the games in this rivalry are instant classics, but the Longhorns rarely get to be on the good side of the occasional blowouts. At least Texas fans can now focus on the upcoming election. We hear that the state has gained an extra voting district due to the rapid growth of the swelling in David Ash’s throwing wrist.

10. Florida State (defeated Boston College 51-7) – Just like many middle school bullies who finally have someone stand up to them, Florida State tucked its tail and ran after last week’s upset loss to N.C. State, then found the first wounded small animal in the immediate area (Boston College) and mercilessly beat the crap out of it. All of that offense that the Seminoles elected not to use in the second half of the N.C. State came flooding back just in time to wash out the Eagles. Just imagine how great life would be for Boston College if it had stayed in the Big East. They would be a BCS bowl contender each year and the basketball team would be eyeing a high seed now that everyone else is leaving.

11. South Carolina (lost to No. 9 LSU 23-21) – Poor South Carolina. The Gamecocks notched what was arguably the biggest win in school history with a thumping of Georgia, so OF COURSE they have to head to LSU for a night game in Death Valley the very next week. Gamecock fans will try to put a silver lining on the sudden downturn in fortunes by pointing to the 21 points put up against LSU, but one of those touchdowns was set up by an interception return inside the 5 and another came against what was essentially a prevent defense that was just looking to keep Carolina from scoring quickly. Carolina proved against UGA that it can seize momentum, but to reach the top, the Gamecocks will have to find a way to win close games against equally talented teams.

12. The BCS Poll (message board fodder since 1998) – For as much as the USELESS Poll will tout a larger playoff system as we get closer to the end of the season, there is no denying a very important role that the BCS rankings play in our culture. The first poll of the year was just released and there are already huge debates breaking out over whether Florida deserves its No. 2 spot, how good Oregon really is, how much Notre Dame’s schedule can help it, etc. There is nothing better than watching internet yahoos debate the strength of schedule merits of playing a WAC team as opposed to a Sub Belt squad when everyone still has at least six games to play.

13. Ohio State (defeated Indiana 52-49) – There are plenty of ways to prove yourself as an elite team in college football. Falling behind Indiana early and then just barely outlasting the Hoosiers in a shootout has never been one of those ways. Maybe OSU really is that good and Urban Meyer and the rest of the Buckeyes are just mocking their own ineligibility by beating the good (relative term) Big Ten teams handily, then struggling against everyone else… Or maybe the two football teams collaborated and decided that they would try to match the final score of either of the two OSU/Indiana basketball games this season.

14. Georgia (did not play) – It’s not much, but watching South Carolina lose had to ease the Bulldogs’ pain over last week’s stubbed toe. Even though Florida still leads both teams in the standings and the Gamecocks still hold the tiebreaker over the Bulldogs, Georgia can still swing all of the momentum with just one win. If Georgia can take down Florida and win out through the rest of the conference schedule (UGA will likely be favored in every game but the Florida matchup), the Bulldogs will still get to play for the SEC title.

15. Clemson (did not play) – After seeing Florida State go down, Clemson looked to the schedule to see which underdog team would be the school that it would take for granted and play down to, thus keeping pace with the Seminoles. Luckily, last Saturday was a bye week for the Tigers. If Dabo Swinney is a smart man, he brought a high school team in to scrimmage his guys and tried to convince his players that this was the real deal. Do that, and the Tigers get their awful loss out of the way and the ACC standings are none the wiser.

16. West Virginia (lost to Texas Tech 49-14) – The Mountaineers are just determined to be as Big XII-ish as possible, aren’t they? Not only have they totally abandoned even the premise of playing defense at a functional level, but they have even perfected the art of suffering a crippling loss just as the nation has started fawning on them. To West Virginia’s credit, Texas Tech isn’t the easiest place to play. The Raiders have pulled off their share of upsets and a second consecutive week of traveling from West Virginia to Texas would be a tough task for any team. But still, 49-14? That’s rough.

17. Rutgers (defeated Syracuse 23-15) – The Scarlet Knights just keep on chugging along. You probably can’t name a single person on the team and there aren’t any sure-fire first round picks on the roster, yet Rutgers is a solid B-plus or A-minus in nearly every facet of the game. What if Rutgers and Louisville both make it to their Nov. 29 showdown still undefeated? There would be a BCS bowl game and possible a top-5 ranking on the line. The last time that happened with these two teams in 2006 produced the only time in recorded history that a kicker has ever looked like a badass. Rutgers’ kicker drilled the game-winner with no time left, then wheeled around – knowing exactly where the ESPN Skycam was – and started cheesin’ for all of America to see. That’s pocket presence, people.

18. Mississippi State (defeated Tennessee 41-31) – The Bulldogs spent a few weeks on the periphery of the USELESS Poll before finally breaking into the party. Having an undefeated record halfway through the season is a great accomplishment for any team, but Mississippi State has a schedule so soft that could get an endorsement from toilet paper manufacturers. Even the SEC teams that the Bulldogs have played – Auburn, Kentucky and Tennessee – probably account for three of the worst four teams in the league. Throw in some heroic winning efforts against the likes of Troy, South Alabama and Jackson State, and the USELESS Poll still isn’t sure just what to make of Mississippi State.

19. Louisville (defeated Pittsburgh 45-35) – The Cardinals have received more than their fair share of abuse from this poll so far this season, but credit will now be given where it is due. Louisville faced a tough road game against a determined opponent, but came through the fire still unscathed. The Cardinals also deserve some extra credit for having the quarterback with one of the best names in college football. Teddy Bridgewater might sound more like a porn star name than that of a quarterback, but the USELESS Poll only grades Teddy’s attributes on the latter of those two professions.

20. Indiana State (defeated North Dakota State 17-14) – The best thing about sports is that nobody will ever think less of you for holding a grudge. North Dakota State defeated Georgia Southern – official home team of the USELESS Poll – in the semifinals of the FCS playoffs last season. The Bison looked nearly unstoppable (especially in the broken down Fargo, ND plane hangar, which probably doubles as salt storage for the road de-icers in the winter, that they call home) for most of this season. To the delight of the pollsters, that NDSU mystique came crashing down last week as the Fightin’ Larry Birds came to town and took away a win. ISU gets the nod for exacting some revenge on Georgia Southern’s behalf. Also, the team has the balls to play football despite having a ridiculous name like ‘Sycamores’ for its moniker. That’s got to be worth something.

21. Texas A&M (defeated No. 21 Louisiana Tech 59-57) – In a battle of two talented offenses flying under the radar, the Aggies came out on top and now replace the Bulldogs in the No. 21 slot. Texas A&M nearly got the celebration started too early as Louisiana Tech erased 25 points out of what was a 27 point second half deficit. Johnny Manziel is quickly becoming the most exciting freshman in the country and, considering the offensive issues of other SEC West teams, the Aggies could be looking to play spoiler and climb up the rankings in the coming weeks.

22. Cincinnati (defeated Forham 49-17) – A third Big East team has somehow broken into the top-25. Don’t worry folks, we’ve got our guys looking into it. Cincinnati is the nation’s quietest unbeaten team. ‘But how can you be quiet while not losing,’ you ask… Well, mostly, you do it by braving perennial titans like Delaware State (one FCS playoff appearance in the last 20 years) and Fordham, which sounds like it should be an Ivy League school, but is instead far inferior – both in academics and football playing ability. Cincy is only on here because staying undefeated into the second half of October is tough no matter who you play.

23. Ohio (defeated Akron 34-28) – Nine years after being let go by Nebraska for no good reason, Frank Solich is finally getting his revenge. The Bobcats made waves with an opening week win over Penn State, but have been on the margins of the polls ever since. Ohio hasn’t done anything incredibly world-shattering, but the record speaks for itself. The Bobcats are one of just 12 teams left in the nation that haven’t lost a game yet. With Louisiana Tech going down last weekend, the Bobcats are the nation’s last hope at a BCS buster.

24. Arizona State (defeated Colorado 51-17) – The Sun Devils made the poll as part of a Pac-12 package deal a couple of weeks ago, but now they’re in on their own merits. Arizona figured to be the most dangerous team in the state this season, but the Wildcats’ better located, harder partying (according to Playboy’s top party schools list) rivals are proving to be a tough out for anyone that runs across them. Of course, the Sun Devils’ stay in the poll could be short-lived as they take on Oregon this week. Some analysts are making noise by calling for an upset, but ASU should just start with holding the Ducks under 50 points and move forward from there.

25. Texas Tech (defeated No. 3 West Virginia 49-14) – Plenty of dark horse teams fall from grace, but few are dispatched as unceremoniously as West Virginia when Texas Tech beat the holy hell out of the Mountaineers last week. The Red Raiders’ defense had been the main talking point for the team through the first half of the season and the unit showed exactly how good they could be in quieting the formerly unstoppable WVU offense and shutting down Heisman hopeful Geno Smith.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northwestern, Michigan, Stanford

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Boise State, TCU

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 6

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Week 6: The week that the giants fell.

Losses from the teams ranked third, fourth and sixth in last weeks poll all went down over the weekend. Two of those teams suffered close losses while another got its brains beat in, but all three take a tumble down this week’s rankings.

The trending talent of teams wearing purple that the USELESS Poll recognized last week also went straight downhill as LSU, Washington, TCU and Northwestern all lost. Things have been shaken up at all levels of the poll, so here are your new rankings heading into another big week of conference showdowns.

1. Alabama (did not play) – The Crimson Tide used its experience of being at the top of the rankings for most of the last four years to see a giant-killing week coming and stay the hell out of the way. With LSU still not showing any signs of being the elite team that they are supposed to be, the Tide might not get any sort of challenge until the SEC championship game.

2. Oregon (defeated Washington 52-21) – A couple of weeks ago, Washington took on a very talented top-10 Stanford squad and totally shut down the Cardinal’s offense. As with most great defensive efforts, Oregon gave it a look and responded with a resounding “that’s cute.” The same Washington defense that single-handedly beat Stanford was in a 21-0 hole before the first quarter ended against Oregon. With each passing week, the Ducks are looking more like a title contender.

3. West Virginia (defeated Texas 48-45) – Barring an injury or a severe meltdown, the Heisman people might as well just send the trophy to Geno Smith and save everyone a flight to New York in December. The Mountaineers got a big test from steadily improving Texas, but were able to pull out another win. Texas isn’t the best team WVU will face, but there are a lot of places other than Austin that would have made for a much easier first road trip in the Big XII. Kudos to the ‘Eers for winning a big one on the road.

4. South Carolina (defeated No. 6 Georgia 35-7) – Usually, when your team is matched up in a top-5 showdown with a heated rival at home, the goal is to not get caught up in the moment. Just get through the first few minutes, get into a rhythm, and feed off the crowd’s energy as the game goes on. South Carolina chose the slightly different approach of throwing wild haymakers from the opening whistle, connecting on about 80 percent of them, and knocking the fight out of their opponent by halftime. The Gamecocks face two brutal road games in the next two weeks at Florida and LSU, but Saturday’s performance should scare anyone that has to take on Carolina.

5. Kansas State (defeated Kansas 56-16) – Another week, another non-flashy, boring win for Kansas State. Kansas actually gained the upper hand early in the rivalry game, but the Wildcats – as usual – stayed the course and continued to pound the ball down the field. By the time the fourth quarter rolled around, the Jayhawks had run out of steam offensively and had no answers for the KSU attack, leaving us all some quality downtime to ponder how Kansas settled on calling itself the Sunflower State.

6. Notre Dame (defeated Miami (FL) 41-3) – Somewhere out there, Jimmy Johnson’s helmet hair is crying into an empty bottle of Extenze during his 2 a.m. late-night infomercial slot. In the latest revival of the Catholics vs. Convicts war, Notre Dame unleashed all hell on the ‘Canes. Perhaps convicts isn’t the best way to describe this Miami team, as nothing that it did on Saturday could be construed as being offensive in any way. The Irish still have Oklahoma, Stanford and USC on the schedule, but winning even one of those – and avoiding any upset losses – will put them in good position to return to a BCS game.

7. Florida (defeated No. 4 LSU 14-6) – This had all the non-action of a poor man’s LSU/Alabama game from last season. Defense is a great thing to have and when two very good defenses square off, there are bound to be lower scoring games. But there is a difference between defenses limiting scoring opportunities and inept offenses never challenging the other team. LSU managed just eight first downs all day. And three of those came via penalties committed by Florida. That’s just an awful offense. Florida gets the bump for managing to find one or two offensive plays against a top-notch defense.

8. USC (defeated Utah 38-28) – The Trojans ventured into a tough road environment and got punched in the mouth early, trailing 14-0 in the first quarter. But then USC showed the type of talent that so many have claimed makes it a national title contender. About 2 ½ quarters of each USC game features one of the best teams in the nation while the other 20 or so minutes has some imposters wearing USC uniforms. If the Trojans start playing complete games, they’ll continue to rise up the rankings. Also, it would help USC’s cause in the USELESS Poll if it didn’t allow meaningless touchdowns with less than a minute to go that blow the 14-point spread… Just sayin’.

9. LSU (lost to No. 11 Florida 14-6) – We’ve already covered LSU’s plight pretty well, but there really aren’t enough words to describe how bad the Tigers’ offense is compared to its defense. Even in its first three games where it put up points befitting of a title contender, LSU took its time in getting going. In the past three weeks, the Tigers just barely beat a bad Auburn squad and needed more than three quarters to put away Towson before things finally caught up to them against Florida. If South Carolina plays defense at the same level as it did last week, LSU might not cross midfield this Saturday.

10. This space intentionally left blank – The USELESS Poll refuses to put a team that isn’t even eligible to play in the postseason in the top-10. It was a struggle to justify LSU staying in the No. 9 spot and there was no way that two of those three top teams that lost were going to stay in the top-10. After that, there aren’t any other teams deserving of a spot in the top-10. So if you’re an Ohio State fan, use this spot to reflect on what could have been. But, hey. Those free tattoos are pretty sweet and totally worth it, right?

11. Ohio State (defeated Nebraska 63-38) – The Buckeyes became the latest in a long line of teams which have the honor each October of shooting down notions that the Nebraska defense is back to the “blackshirts” quality of the 80s and 90s. The Huskers started the season strong, but OSU had taken the wind out of their sails before the first half was done. To its credit, Nebraska was able to use its offense to keep up for a while, but unless your name is Oregon or West Virginia, you can’t give up 63 points and expect to be anywhere close to a win.

12. Florida State (lost to N.C. State 17-16) – Oh, Florida State. You sad, predictable bastards. In the opening weeks of the USELESS Poll, you and Clemson were constantly ridiculed for torturing your fan bases with great performances and heightened expectations, only to run your bandwagon into a ditch at the worst possible moment. True to form, FSU racked up the points and shot up the rankings, only to somehow manage to lose to N.C. State right after beating Clemson and earning what seemed like a free run to a division title. If it’s any consolation, Clemson probably won’t be able to stand the prosperity and will hand it right back in the coming weeks.

13. Oregon State (defeated Washington State 19-6) – In a Pac 12 conference that is normally dominated by high-flying, high-scoring teams, Oregon State stands as the sole team that wins by committing to defense. Washington State won’t get anywhere close to the conference standings, but teams like the Cougars that throw the ball 50-plus times per game usually luck into a couple of big scoring plays regardless of talent. The Beavers totally shut down Mike Leach’s game plan and – as usual – did enough on offense to get the win. OSU won’t be a favorite to win the conference or get into the BCS discussion so long as USC and Oregon keep rolling, but with an undefeated record, the Beavers still control their own destiny.

14. Oklahoma (defeated Texas Tech 41-20) – Apparently, it only took being shoved against the wall in the Big XII race to finally wake up Oklahoma. The Sooners were underwhelming in their first few games before being upset by Kansas State. Going up against a Texas Tech team that was among the national leaders in most defensive stats, OU would have been in deep trouble if the offense hadn’t finally decided to play to its potential. The Sooners are back in the hunt and – with both teams having already dropped a game in conference play – the Red River Rivalry with Texas will feature a pair of teams fighting to remain relevant in the national scope.

15. Georgia (lost to No. 8 South Carolina 35-7) – In the week leading up to their showdown against South Carolina, one of the main talking points was the Bulldogs’ explosive offense. As near as the USELESS Poll can figure, that offense was so volatile that it caused the team busses to self-destruct on the way to the game. Georgia never had a prayer in this one. The Bulldogs lost their leading receiver in the middle of the week, Aaron Murray was harassed all night, and the freshman duo of running backs looked like, well, freshmen. UGA figured to have the easiest run to the SEC East title since it doesn’t play Alabama, Arkansas or LSU, but even that advantage is being dwindled by two of those teams looking less frightening for teams like Carolina that do have them on the schedule.

16. Clemson (defeated Georgia Tech 47-31) – Despite Clemson doing its level best to keep Georgia Tech in the game, the Yellow Jackets’ defense would not be denied in its determination to appear baffled as to how any sort of offensive play should be defended. Only a late Clemson touchdown prevented this game from taking its place in the long line of high-scoring games with scoring margins of less than 10 points. With Florida State’s loss, the Tigers can get back into the conference title race. As for Tech, the weather is cooling down, but Paul Johnson’s seat might be warming up.

17. Stanford (defeated Arizona 54-48) – For a team that is always described as tough and physical and run-first, the Cardinal sure can light it up when they’re clicking. Personally, the USELESS Poll believes that this is one of those racial things. Not necessarily in a good/bad way, but that Stanford – which is often perceived as whiter than most other football powers – has a different set of adjectives and superlatives that are levied upon it. Stanford never “has the most athletes”, or “beats you with big plays/playmakers.” However, the Cardinal have been known to be “a very cerebral team” and “well-disciplined.” This has been your racial relations minute, courtesy of the USELESS Poll.

18. Texas (lost to No. 4 West Virginia 48-45) – In a turn of events that you wouldn’t expect from a team coached by a veteran like Mack Brown, Texas allowed itself to get suckered into a shootout. Don’t forget, folks – Texas loves bringing guns to a shootout, but those mountain people have more of them. The Longhorns had the size and strength to control the ball and limit WVU possessions, but chose to get into a footrace instead. West Virginia has figured out how to turn its horrible defense into an asset. Teams are getting too eager to put up big numbers, allowing the game to flow smoothly and WVU’s offense to get plenty of possessions. The Mountaineers were perfectly content to keep pace with Texas, and as soon as the Longhorns slipped up, West Virginia pulled ahead and stayed there.

19. Mississippi State (defeated Kentucky 27-14) – Apparently, Kentucky just needs to have one of its quarterbacks incapacitated in order to be a competitive team. The Wildcats put up a decent fight against South Carolina when their starter got knocked out and played another pretty good game vs. MSU when another quarterback was busy taking his LSAT. Morgan Newton has seen only limited action this year, but maybe law school is the better choice for him in the long run. The way Kentucky has been playing, Newton could make a fortune defending drunk drivers that ran off the road after getting enraged on the drive home from another UK loss.

20. Rutgers (defeated Connecticut 19-3) – Not too many people gave the Scarlet Knights a shot after Greg Schiano (aka – the only guy who has ever been able to make Rutgers a competitive team) bolted for the NFL after last season. But whatever Schiano got started up in Piscataway seems to have stuck as the Knights are sitting pretty at 5-0. What’s more, the team that rode the likes of Ray Rice to national prominence is now leaning on an elite defense as Rutgers has allowed more than one touchdown just once this season. The Knights get three of their next four games at home and could find themselves on the verge of the top-10 if other teams in the middle of the poll start to falter.

21. Louisiana Tech (defeated UNLV 58-31) – Now that the WAC is a distant memory in Boise State’s rearview mirror, someone has to step up and make sure that the conference’s cellar dwellers are left constantly questioning their insistence on playing FBS football when most casual fans only know their name from the occasional ESPN score ticker on a slow day. Ladies and gentlemen, Louisiana Tech is that new someone. The Bulldogs have been an offensive machine all season, topping the 50-point mark in four of their five games and topping two BCS conference teams in the process. If Louisiana Tech can keep it up against Texas A&M this week, more heads will start to turn at the national level.

22. Homecoming games (only ranked because she’s popular and slept with everybody) – When you’re a student, homecoming isn’t all that great. If anything, it’s one of the least desirable games to go to. There’s more traffic making your commute a hassle, the opponent usually sucks (unless your team is that bad, which makes things all the more depressing), and kickoff is always earlier, meaning that you have to tailgate your way through a hangover. But later in life, things get better. The early kickoffs give you time to wind down after the game, and hangovers aren’t an issue since 4 a.m. jagerbombs no longer qualify as acceptable/normal socializing. Best of all, the rich alumni are back in town. Play your cards right and you could walk out of the game with a job offer… or at least some free top-shelf booze.

23. Boise State (defeated Southern Miss 40-14) – For the first time this season, Boise State was able to stay on top of its game for a full four quarters and look like the Boise State we all know and love (and refuse to rank higher than fifth). The Broncos had shown some flashes of brilliance on offense and have shown the ability to shut opponents down with their defense, but both finally came together last week. As we pointed out last week, this is still a very young team that is learning to play together. These guys will be scary next year.

24. Louisville (did not play) – An off week assured Louisville that it will spend another week in rankings limbo. Consecutive games against Pittsburgh, South Florida and Cincinnati will decide whether the Cardinals are the contenders that they are supposed to be, or whether they’ll become just another small-name team that couldn’t hack it once they got some attention and the games got important.

25. TCU (lost to Iowa State 37-23) – This stinks. Someone should call shenanigans. TCU is supposed to be a full-fledged member of the Big XII, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. Do you really think that, IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING TEXAS, a star quarterback could be disciplined for something as minor as failing a drug test back in February, then blowing through a stop sign while hammered last week, and find himself suspended? There’s no way that this would happen if it was Texas’ quarterback. Colt McCoy probably knows the whereabouts of three dead hookers, yet he never missed a start. Wake up, TCU. This is the big-time. Someone needs to force the coaching staff to watch “The Program” until they know how to properly neglect the antics of a talented football team.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Cincinnati, Michigan, Arizona St.

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Ohio, Texas A&M,

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 5

 

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

The final week of the season for Major League Baseball always rings in the best couple of months of the year. Not only do we get to watch the last few races in baseball get decided, but there’s another month of high-stakes baseball to go, as well as the meat of college football season finally arriving. Everybody has begun conference play, so not only are the games getting more competitive, but it’s getting tougher and tougher to shake off a loss for teams that are gunning for a conference or national championship.

There was only one huge upset over the last week, but still plenty of shuffling in the USELESS poll as the national picture gets a little more focused.

1. Alabama (defeated Ole Miss 33-14) – This past weekend saw Alabama post its first victory that was anything less than very impressive. The Tide never really hit its stride offensively, and while the outcome of the game was never in doubt, Ole Miss was never really put way. No reason to panic for Bama though. They might not have looked like the best team in the nation on Saturday, but it’s hard to think that any other SEC West teams will be anything more than a speed bump. With LSU underachieving and Arkansas trapped in a bad Twilight Zone episode, Alabama will roll to another division title.

2. Oregon (defeated Washington State 51-26) – Leading doctors agree that in the coming decades, heart disease will take a backseat as the nation’s leading killer, to be replaced by “having been tasked with stopping Oregon’s offense.” Can you even imagine the years taken off of your life if someone told you to stop the Ducks? Colin Cowherd put it best a couple of weeks ago: When Oregon wins the coin toss, it elects to score. The Ducks have scored 42 points or more in all five of their games and their defense looks better than that of the national runner-up squad of two years ago.

3. Florida State (defeated South Florida 30-17) – After a huge win over Clemson that gave it the inside track for a division title, it’s understandable that Florida State had a bit of a down week. And I’ve got to hand it to the Seminoles. As a BCS conference team that opened the season as a national title contender, there was no reason for FSU to do anything other than schedule four cupcakes at its home field and try to get through the conference. While the ACC and Big East are both just barely hanging on to that “major conference” title, at least the Seminoles went somewhere and played someone that they didn’t absolutely have to.

4. LSU (defeated Towson 38-22) – There’s no denying that LSU is a very good team, but the Bayou Bengals just keep on trying our patience. Coming into the season, LSU hoped that Zach Mettenberger would help get its offense going and make it more of a threat to eventually score against Alabama. LSU is still unbeaten and has put up plenty of points, but hasn’t faced a great defense yet. Speaking of which, the Tigers’ calling card is supposed to be stopping others. Being a top-5 team and allowing an FCS team to rack up 22 points on you isn’t going to sell anyone on your defensive prowess.

5. West Virginia (defeated No. 23 Baylor 70-63) – Please forgive any inaccuracies on that final score. That’s just the last report we have. It’s entirely possible that a couple dozen more points have been scored since this paragraph started. The Mountaineers began their Big XII schedule last week and went all in, eschewing any premise of defense while testing the math skills of statisticians. In a season that has seen just about every early Heisman contender either underachieve or fall flat on his face, it’s hard not to say that Geno Smith (20 TD, 0 INT, 1,728 yards, 83.2 completion percentage) is the current frontrunner.

6. Georgia (defeated Tennessee 51-44) – The Bulldogs hang on to the No. 6 spot, but just barely. For the same reason that West Virginia gets all sorts of love, Georgia is going to be punished. When you and your conference thump your chest about the NFL-caliber defense that separates yourselves from the rest of the nation, you aren’t allowed to give up 44 points to an unranked team. Georgia seems like the odds-on favorite to win the SEC East, but will need to figure out how to slow down offenses more powerful than Tyler Bray and the Vols if it wants to do anything more.

7. Kansas State (did not play) – Since the Wildcats took the week off, let’s all get to know Kansas State a little better. Welcome to Manhattan, KS - “The Little Apple”. Home of KSU, the occasional tornado, and people who get really, REALLY lost on their way to a Kansas Jayhawks basketball game. There are very few widely known alumni of KSU, but among them are Darren Sproles of the New Orleans Saints and Kirstie Alley, whose trip to New York last year is widely considered to be the origin of the great east coast earthquakes of 2011.

8. South Carolina (defeated Kentucky 38-17) – Aside from the upset of Stanford last week, the closest thing that we had to a world-shaking event was the first 2 ½ quarters of the South Carolina game against Kentucky. Despite Kentucky’s general awfulness and the Gamecocks knocking out the Wildcats’ starting quarterback in the first quarter, Kentucky took a few bites out of Carolina. By the time the second half rolled around, anyone within 100 feet of Steve Spurier was in mortal danger of being decapitated by a rogue flying visor. The Gamecocks rebounded and piled it on late, but there’s never any good excuse for trailing Kentucky in the second half.

9. Notre Dame (did not play) – The Fighting Irish survived their bye week. That might seem like non-news, but far less has gotten between Notre Dame and an over-achieving season before. The Irish may be able to look forward to many more great football seasons in the future. Notre Dame is about to start playing five ACC teams per year despite staying independent as far as the football team goes. The games against/wins over a BCS conference will rack up the strength of schedule points, but the ACC is having plenty of trouble finding more than two decent teams right now, much less five. This could turn into an east coast barnstorming tour where ND plays the conference title contender, then mops up four punching bags before running to the pollsters with its success over big-name opponents.

10. USC (did not play) – With three teams in the top-10 out of action, this might have been the least captivating week of the season yet. The Trojans sneak back into the top-10 partly because of Stanford taking a spill, but also because there is no better way to spend an off week as a college football player than in the middle of a huge city on the Pacific coast that treats your team like a bunch of rock stars. If the Trojans aren’t playing, that just means that they have more time to chill with Snoop Dogg, Will Ferrell, or whoever else might be hanging around practice.

11. Florida (did not play) – Seriously, people. All of these bye weeks by the nation’s best teams are killing this poll. It’s bad enough that the top teams rarely play any talented competition before October. Now, they’re apparently coordinating vacations. All of these guys probably spent Saturday on a cruise in international waters placing bets on how long each of them could stay in the rankings if they just embraced and touted their preseason rankings while refusing to ever play a challenging game.

12. Ohio State (defeated No. 21 Michigan State 17-16) – Despite the best efforts of all parties involved, the game between Ohio State and Michigan State actually got interesting at the end. There’s something weird about watching a team that is likely the best in its conference, yet can’t win anything due to an NCAA ban. The Buckeyes are near the top of the rankings for now, but it’s only a matter of time before its players realize that their efforts are all for naught and they drop a game to a crappy opponent for no good reason.

13. John L. Smith (Just doing the best he can) – Is there a weirder storyline in college football this season than the ongoing train wreck that is the Arkansas Razorbacks’ season? It’s gotten to the point where fans of the Hogs aren’t sure whether to laugh or cry… or threaten the life of their sad sack of a coach. John L. Smith – so mundane and mediocre in every way that even his name is so normal as to require the middle initial – was head coach of Weber State not so long ago. He had to have thought that he hit the jackpot when Arkansas brought him in. Things could have been even better once he was handed a top-5 team after Bobby Petrino was shown the door, but everything went to hell instead. At least John is trying to take the heat off his team, filing for bankruptcy and sometimes forgetting what state his team plays in when speaking at luncheons.

14. Texas (defeated Oklahoma State 41-36) – In what is shaping up to be a wide open race for the Big XII title, Texas is quietly throwing its hat into the ring. For the last two seasons, the Longhorns have built up a good defense, only to see the offense routinely get lost on the way to the end zone. This time around, David Ash finally has his offense rolling. Texas has a chance to jump into the top-10 if it can win a showdown this week against West Virginia – which we’re being told has scored three more touchdowns since we last discussed them.

15. Clemson (defeated Boston College 45-31) – You knew that Clemson would be sick over that loss to Florida State. Some Tigers – like Sammy Watkins, who sat out against BC with an abdominal parasite – took that sentiment a bit too literally, but those who suited up had enough firepower to take care of the Eagles. Normally, giving up 31 points to a team as bad as Boston College would be a concern. But the ACC has made it perfectly clear that the showdown between FSU and Clemson two weeks ago was the de facto conference championship. The Tigers will take out their frustrations on their next seven opponents, then watch FSU club the bejesus out of Virginia Tech or Miami in the conference title game.

16. TCU (defeated SMU 24-16) – The Horned Frogs’ victory over the weekend wasn’t its most impressive, but at least it avenged their only loss from last season. Already sitting at 1-0 in conference play, TCU will take on hapless Iowa State this week and looks to join the likes of Texas, Kansas State, Oklahoma and West Virginia in vying for the conference title. Also, what is it with the color purple nowadays? TCU is one of five teams in the USELESS Poll whose main color is purple? And that doesn’t even include Oregon, which might switch over at any second just as soon as it can perfect a Purple Nike swoosh.

17. Everyone in the Pac-12 not named Oregon or USC (too close to sort out) – The Pac-12 is getting a bit ridiculous. And not in the normal “this conference is so weak that we can’t determine anything other than the favorite” sort of way. The Pac-12 has entered SEC territory as seven different teams have cracked the top-25 at one point or another this season. Oregon is the clear leader as it would likely play in the national championship game if it was held today and USC still figures to get back into the national championship discussion. After that, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, Washington and Arizona all qualify as dangerous teams that nobody from outside the conference wants to play.

18. Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners took a week off to continue quietly weeping over that home loss to Kansas State. As a program that has become synonymous for shrinking away its biggest games, Oklahoma lost the final talking point remaining on its side. Bob Stoops had never lost a home game to a ranked opponent until K-State pulled off the upset. The Sooners still have plenty of time to get back into the hunt, but they have put themselves in a big spot from the get-go.

19. Rutgers (did not play) – Rutgers has done nothing of note to get a boost in the polls, but the huge group of Pac-12 schools squeezing into one spot and this poll’s insistence that the Big East have a representative in the top-20 means that the Scarlett Knights are in this week. This season is a very important one for all of the schools that continue to believe that staying in the Big East is a good idea. Pittsburgh is moving out and creating a chance for a team like Rutgers or South Florida to make the leap from good-once-every-five-years to perennial BCS contender.

20. Mississippi State (did not play) – The Bulldogs have been on the cusp of breaking into the poll for the last couple of weeks and they’ve finally made it on the first day of October. Mississippi State hasn’t been overwhelmingly impressive so far, but with Arkansas in free fall and neither Auburn nor Ole Miss presenting much of a challenge, it seems to have a free run to a 9-10 win season and the honor of losing to Alabama and LSU by slightly less than other SEC schools.

21. Northwestern (defeated Indiana 44-29) – With Minnesota dropping its conference opener against Iowa, Northwestern is now the only undefeated Big Ten team that is actually eligible to win the title. Looking at the long list of underwhelming teams in the conference, it seems entirely possible that the Wildcats could pull off a dark horse run. They are notorious for knocking off one or two ranked teams each season, and with only one currently ranked team laying in wait on the schedule, this could be Northwestern’s chance to get back to the top of the Big Ten.

22. Nebraska (defeated Wisconsin 30-27) – For three quarters on Saturday, it looked like Nebraska would be dropping out of the rankings. The Cornhuskers were getting mopped up by Wisconsin, but Taylor Martinez rallied his troops just in time to erase a 27-13 deficit. Nebraska seems to have timed its leap to the Big Ten perfectly. The Huskers’ offense likely wouldn’t be enough to keep up with the high-flying Big XII offenses, but they look like a juggernaut in their new conference.

23. Boise State (defeated New Mexico 32-29) – The wins keep on coming, but Boise State just doesn’t seem the same without those video game scores. These pedestrian efforts are going to keep the Broncos from shooting up the polls, but this could be just a hiccup that precedes another huge 2-3 year run. A year after the infamous Fiesta Bowl win over Oklahoma, Boise lost nearly all of its offense and defense – similar to this season – and went 7-5 in the following year while retooling. The Broncos are finding their footing again this season, but if a team full of underclassmen and first-year starters can put up 9-10 wins, just imagine what the next few years could bring.

24. Beer In Stadiums (defeating sobriety by at least a .08 BAC) – Before the season started, those go-getters in the Minnesota state legislature voted to allow alcohol sales in the University of Minnesota’s on-campus stadium. What’s more, the legislation mandates that the alcohol be made available for sale throughout the entire stadium, and not just in luxury suites. With this welcome new adoption nearly 20 percent of college teams now sell alcohol at their stadiums. While mixing rowdy college kids and booze might seem like a bad idea, the USELESS Poll thinks otherwise. Much like relaxed drug laws, more tolerance of something leads to less abuse. If you can buy a few beers during a game, you’re less likely to go overboard by downing that entire flask of Jack Daniels that you smuggled in.

25. Louisville (defeated Southern Miss 21-17) – You were warned, Louisville. You’re already behind the 8-ball for playing in the Big East. Barely slipping past less-than-stellar non-conference teams isn’t going to keep you in the rankings. The Cardinals get one more chance to prove that they really belong in the rankings this week as they open up conference play against Pittsburgh. Time to put up or shut up, Louisville.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Ohio, Texas Tech, Texas A&M

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Louisiana Tech, Cincinnati

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.