USELESS Poll: Week 6

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Week 6: The week that the giants fell.

Losses from the teams ranked third, fourth and sixth in last weeks poll all went down over the weekend. Two of those teams suffered close losses while another got its brains beat in, but all three take a tumble down this week’s rankings.

The trending talent of teams wearing purple that the USELESS Poll recognized last week also went straight downhill as LSU, Washington, TCU and Northwestern all lost. Things have been shaken up at all levels of the poll, so here are your new rankings heading into another big week of conference showdowns.

1. Alabama (did not play) – The Crimson Tide used its experience of being at the top of the rankings for most of the last four years to see a giant-killing week coming and stay the hell out of the way. With LSU still not showing any signs of being the elite team that they are supposed to be, the Tide might not get any sort of challenge until the SEC championship game.

2. Oregon (defeated Washington 52-21) – A couple of weeks ago, Washington took on a very talented top-10 Stanford squad and totally shut down the Cardinal’s offense. As with most great defensive efforts, Oregon gave it a look and responded with a resounding “that’s cute.” The same Washington defense that single-handedly beat Stanford was in a 21-0 hole before the first quarter ended against Oregon. With each passing week, the Ducks are looking more like a title contender.

3. West Virginia (defeated Texas 48-45) – Barring an injury or a severe meltdown, the Heisman people might as well just send the trophy to Geno Smith and save everyone a flight to New York in December. The Mountaineers got a big test from steadily improving Texas, but were able to pull out another win. Texas isn’t the best team WVU will face, but there are a lot of places other than Austin that would have made for a much easier first road trip in the Big XII. Kudos to the ‘Eers for winning a big one on the road.

4. South Carolina (defeated No. 6 Georgia 35-7) – Usually, when your team is matched up in a top-5 showdown with a heated rival at home, the goal is to not get caught up in the moment. Just get through the first few minutes, get into a rhythm, and feed off the crowd’s energy as the game goes on. South Carolina chose the slightly different approach of throwing wild haymakers from the opening whistle, connecting on about 80 percent of them, and knocking the fight out of their opponent by halftime. The Gamecocks face two brutal road games in the next two weeks at Florida and LSU, but Saturday’s performance should scare anyone that has to take on Carolina.

5. Kansas State (defeated Kansas 56-16) – Another week, another non-flashy, boring win for Kansas State. Kansas actually gained the upper hand early in the rivalry game, but the Wildcats – as usual – stayed the course and continued to pound the ball down the field. By the time the fourth quarter rolled around, the Jayhawks had run out of steam offensively and had no answers for the KSU attack, leaving us all some quality downtime to ponder how Kansas settled on calling itself the Sunflower State.

6. Notre Dame (defeated Miami (FL) 41-3) – Somewhere out there, Jimmy Johnson’s helmet hair is crying into an empty bottle of Extenze during his 2 a.m. late-night infomercial slot. In the latest revival of the Catholics vs. Convicts war, Notre Dame unleashed all hell on the ‘Canes. Perhaps convicts isn’t the best way to describe this Miami team, as nothing that it did on Saturday could be construed as being offensive in any way. The Irish still have Oklahoma, Stanford and USC on the schedule, but winning even one of those – and avoiding any upset losses – will put them in good position to return to a BCS game.

7. Florida (defeated No. 4 LSU 14-6) – This had all the non-action of a poor man’s LSU/Alabama game from last season. Defense is a great thing to have and when two very good defenses square off, there are bound to be lower scoring games. But there is a difference between defenses limiting scoring opportunities and inept offenses never challenging the other team. LSU managed just eight first downs all day. And three of those came via penalties committed by Florida. That’s just an awful offense. Florida gets the bump for managing to find one or two offensive plays against a top-notch defense.

8. USC (defeated Utah 38-28) – The Trojans ventured into a tough road environment and got punched in the mouth early, trailing 14-0 in the first quarter. But then USC showed the type of talent that so many have claimed makes it a national title contender. About 2 ½ quarters of each USC game features one of the best teams in the nation while the other 20 or so minutes has some imposters wearing USC uniforms. If the Trojans start playing complete games, they’ll continue to rise up the rankings. Also, it would help USC’s cause in the USELESS Poll if it didn’t allow meaningless touchdowns with less than a minute to go that blow the 14-point spread… Just sayin’.

9. LSU (lost to No. 11 Florida 14-6) – We’ve already covered LSU’s plight pretty well, but there really aren’t enough words to describe how bad the Tigers’ offense is compared to its defense. Even in its first three games where it put up points befitting of a title contender, LSU took its time in getting going. In the past three weeks, the Tigers just barely beat a bad Auburn squad and needed more than three quarters to put away Towson before things finally caught up to them against Florida. If South Carolina plays defense at the same level as it did last week, LSU might not cross midfield this Saturday.

10. This space intentionally left blank – The USELESS Poll refuses to put a team that isn’t even eligible to play in the postseason in the top-10. It was a struggle to justify LSU staying in the No. 9 spot and there was no way that two of those three top teams that lost were going to stay in the top-10. After that, there aren’t any other teams deserving of a spot in the top-10. So if you’re an Ohio State fan, use this spot to reflect on what could have been. But, hey. Those free tattoos are pretty sweet and totally worth it, right?

11. Ohio State (defeated Nebraska 63-38) – The Buckeyes became the latest in a long line of teams which have the honor each October of shooting down notions that the Nebraska defense is back to the “blackshirts” quality of the 80s and 90s. The Huskers started the season strong, but OSU had taken the wind out of their sails before the first half was done. To its credit, Nebraska was able to use its offense to keep up for a while, but unless your name is Oregon or West Virginia, you can’t give up 63 points and expect to be anywhere close to a win.

12. Florida State (lost to N.C. State 17-16) – Oh, Florida State. You sad, predictable bastards. In the opening weeks of the USELESS Poll, you and Clemson were constantly ridiculed for torturing your fan bases with great performances and heightened expectations, only to run your bandwagon into a ditch at the worst possible moment. True to form, FSU racked up the points and shot up the rankings, only to somehow manage to lose to N.C. State right after beating Clemson and earning what seemed like a free run to a division title. If it’s any consolation, Clemson probably won’t be able to stand the prosperity and will hand it right back in the coming weeks.

13. Oregon State (defeated Washington State 19-6) – In a Pac 12 conference that is normally dominated by high-flying, high-scoring teams, Oregon State stands as the sole team that wins by committing to defense. Washington State won’t get anywhere close to the conference standings, but teams like the Cougars that throw the ball 50-plus times per game usually luck into a couple of big scoring plays regardless of talent. The Beavers totally shut down Mike Leach’s game plan and – as usual – did enough on offense to get the win. OSU won’t be a favorite to win the conference or get into the BCS discussion so long as USC and Oregon keep rolling, but with an undefeated record, the Beavers still control their own destiny.

14. Oklahoma (defeated Texas Tech 41-20) – Apparently, it only took being shoved against the wall in the Big XII race to finally wake up Oklahoma. The Sooners were underwhelming in their first few games before being upset by Kansas State. Going up against a Texas Tech team that was among the national leaders in most defensive stats, OU would have been in deep trouble if the offense hadn’t finally decided to play to its potential. The Sooners are back in the hunt and – with both teams having already dropped a game in conference play – the Red River Rivalry with Texas will feature a pair of teams fighting to remain relevant in the national scope.

15. Georgia (lost to No. 8 South Carolina 35-7) – In the week leading up to their showdown against South Carolina, one of the main talking points was the Bulldogs’ explosive offense. As near as the USELESS Poll can figure, that offense was so volatile that it caused the team busses to self-destruct on the way to the game. Georgia never had a prayer in this one. The Bulldogs lost their leading receiver in the middle of the week, Aaron Murray was harassed all night, and the freshman duo of running backs looked like, well, freshmen. UGA figured to have the easiest run to the SEC East title since it doesn’t play Alabama, Arkansas or LSU, but even that advantage is being dwindled by two of those teams looking less frightening for teams like Carolina that do have them on the schedule.

16. Clemson (defeated Georgia Tech 47-31) – Despite Clemson doing its level best to keep Georgia Tech in the game, the Yellow Jackets’ defense would not be denied in its determination to appear baffled as to how any sort of offensive play should be defended. Only a late Clemson touchdown prevented this game from taking its place in the long line of high-scoring games with scoring margins of less than 10 points. With Florida State’s loss, the Tigers can get back into the conference title race. As for Tech, the weather is cooling down, but Paul Johnson’s seat might be warming up.

17. Stanford (defeated Arizona 54-48) – For a team that is always described as tough and physical and run-first, the Cardinal sure can light it up when they’re clicking. Personally, the USELESS Poll believes that this is one of those racial things. Not necessarily in a good/bad way, but that Stanford – which is often perceived as whiter than most other football powers – has a different set of adjectives and superlatives that are levied upon it. Stanford never “has the most athletes”, or “beats you with big plays/playmakers.” However, the Cardinal have been known to be “a very cerebral team” and “well-disciplined.” This has been your racial relations minute, courtesy of the USELESS Poll.

18. Texas (lost to No. 4 West Virginia 48-45) – In a turn of events that you wouldn’t expect from a team coached by a veteran like Mack Brown, Texas allowed itself to get suckered into a shootout. Don’t forget, folks – Texas loves bringing guns to a shootout, but those mountain people have more of them. The Longhorns had the size and strength to control the ball and limit WVU possessions, but chose to get into a footrace instead. West Virginia has figured out how to turn its horrible defense into an asset. Teams are getting too eager to put up big numbers, allowing the game to flow smoothly and WVU’s offense to get plenty of possessions. The Mountaineers were perfectly content to keep pace with Texas, and as soon as the Longhorns slipped up, West Virginia pulled ahead and stayed there.

19. Mississippi State (defeated Kentucky 27-14) – Apparently, Kentucky just needs to have one of its quarterbacks incapacitated in order to be a competitive team. The Wildcats put up a decent fight against South Carolina when their starter got knocked out and played another pretty good game vs. MSU when another quarterback was busy taking his LSAT. Morgan Newton has seen only limited action this year, but maybe law school is the better choice for him in the long run. The way Kentucky has been playing, Newton could make a fortune defending drunk drivers that ran off the road after getting enraged on the drive home from another UK loss.

20. Rutgers (defeated Connecticut 19-3) – Not too many people gave the Scarlet Knights a shot after Greg Schiano (aka – the only guy who has ever been able to make Rutgers a competitive team) bolted for the NFL after last season. But whatever Schiano got started up in Piscataway seems to have stuck as the Knights are sitting pretty at 5-0. What’s more, the team that rode the likes of Ray Rice to national prominence is now leaning on an elite defense as Rutgers has allowed more than one touchdown just once this season. The Knights get three of their next four games at home and could find themselves on the verge of the top-10 if other teams in the middle of the poll start to falter.

21. Louisiana Tech (defeated UNLV 58-31) – Now that the WAC is a distant memory in Boise State’s rearview mirror, someone has to step up and make sure that the conference’s cellar dwellers are left constantly questioning their insistence on playing FBS football when most casual fans only know their name from the occasional ESPN score ticker on a slow day. Ladies and gentlemen, Louisiana Tech is that new someone. The Bulldogs have been an offensive machine all season, topping the 50-point mark in four of their five games and topping two BCS conference teams in the process. If Louisiana Tech can keep it up against Texas A&M this week, more heads will start to turn at the national level.

22. Homecoming games (only ranked because she’s popular and slept with everybody) – When you’re a student, homecoming isn’t all that great. If anything, it’s one of the least desirable games to go to. There’s more traffic making your commute a hassle, the opponent usually sucks (unless your team is that bad, which makes things all the more depressing), and kickoff is always earlier, meaning that you have to tailgate your way through a hangover. But later in life, things get better. The early kickoffs give you time to wind down after the game, and hangovers aren’t an issue since 4 a.m. jagerbombs no longer qualify as acceptable/normal socializing. Best of all, the rich alumni are back in town. Play your cards right and you could walk out of the game with a job offer… or at least some free top-shelf booze.

23. Boise State (defeated Southern Miss 40-14) – For the first time this season, Boise State was able to stay on top of its game for a full four quarters and look like the Boise State we all know and love (and refuse to rank higher than fifth). The Broncos had shown some flashes of brilliance on offense and have shown the ability to shut opponents down with their defense, but both finally came together last week. As we pointed out last week, this is still a very young team that is learning to play together. These guys will be scary next year.

24. Louisville (did not play) – An off week assured Louisville that it will spend another week in rankings limbo. Consecutive games against Pittsburgh, South Florida and Cincinnati will decide whether the Cardinals are the contenders that they are supposed to be, or whether they’ll become just another small-name team that couldn’t hack it once they got some attention and the games got important.

25. TCU (lost to Iowa State 37-23) – This stinks. Someone should call shenanigans. TCU is supposed to be a full-fledged member of the Big XII, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. Do you really think that, IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKING TEXAS, a star quarterback could be disciplined for something as minor as failing a drug test back in February, then blowing through a stop sign while hammered last week, and find himself suspended? There’s no way that this would happen if it was Texas’ quarterback. Colt McCoy probably knows the whereabouts of three dead hookers, yet he never missed a start. Wake up, TCU. This is the big-time. Someone needs to force the coaching staff to watch “The Program” until they know how to properly neglect the antics of a talented football team.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Cincinnati, Michigan, Arizona St.

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Ohio, Texas A&M,

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.