USELESS Poll: Week 7

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Another week, another big shakeup in the poll.

But, of course, that’s to be expected in the middle of the season when heated conference rivalries produce tons of upsets. Adding to that drama, the BCS released its first poll of the season, so each week from here on out will have analysts and coaches pandering for their teams to be given that extra spot or two in the rankings.

Seeing as how the USELESS Poll is a strong advocate of an 8 or 16 team playoff to decide a champion, we really don’t pay much attention to anything that the BCS has to say. Someday, the NCAA will come to its senses. Until then, you’ll just have to keep coming here to find out how all of the teams really stack up.

1. Alabama (defeated Missouri 42-10) – Players from the Crimson Tide have gotten so good at football that they have now ventured into other sports. After putting last week’s game against Missouri well out of reach, an Alabama defensive lineman performed a reverse suplex worthy of any professional wrestling circuit. It’s good to see that the Tide isn’t becoming lazy over its total lack of challenging opponents. When faced with down time, it’s always nice to pick up a hobby.

2. Oregon (did not play) – In lieu of a scheduled game, the Ducks held a walkthrough practice on Saturday. Of course, with various Oregon players jogging unopposed downfield, it still took a while to make sure that this wasn’t just another great offensive performance. The Ducks still face the meat of their Pac-12 schedule, but until anyone even manages to slow them down, they will remain in the top-2.

3. Kansas State (defeated Iowa State 27-21) – Last week, the national media finally got around to musing that Kansas State might actually be a pretty good team. The Wildcats had to go on the road for a ‘Farmageddon’ showdown with Iowa State and were able to survive the Cyclones’ attempt to pull of their huge home win against a top-10 team that seems to happen every year or two. The Wildcats have more reason to brag as quarterback Colin Klein is starting to hear some whispers about a possible Heisman candidacy.

4. Notre Dame (defeated Stanford 20-13 in OT) – It only took seven years, but the golden domers finally got redemption for the infamous ‘Bush Push’ that cost them an upset over No. 1 USC. Whether you think that Stanford scored or not, there is no denying that the Irish defense is absolutely nasty. At the beginning of the season, Notre Dame was pegged by many – including this poll – as a pretty good team that would probably take its lumps because of a brutal schedule. Stanford was one of the teams that figured to give the Irish a hard time, but Notre Dame came from behind and showed in overtime that it is ready to win big games on the national stage.

5. Florida (defeated Vanderbilt 31-17) – Unlike their SEC East neighbors in Columbia, the Gators were able to figure out how to show up for a game the week after a signature win. Florida’s defense seems to be improving by the week and continuing good offensive performances against teams other than LSU makes it a strong candidate to be called a balanced team – something that few SEC schools can claim this season.

6. USC (defeated Washington 24-14) – The Trojans keep underperforming, yet those wins just keep piling up. USC’s offense isn’t nearly as explosive as it was supposed to be, yet the defense might be a bit better than advertised. Loads of preseason love, a bunch of wins, and NFL scouts continuing to laud the talent of nearly every offensive skill player at the top of the depth chart will keep USC up here for now, but the Trojans had better shape up before Oregon embarrasses them in front of about 50 million people.

7. Oregon State (defeated BYU 42-24) – It never ceases to amaze us here at the USELESS Poll when the media totally overreacts to a storyline that has a whole week to build up. Sure, no team wants to lose a starting quarterback, but the news that Sean Mannion was going to be out for a few games was treated like the end of the world by the news outlets and even the book makers. Oregon State has made its name with an incredibly stingy defense, so – while losing a quarterback is never good – why would the loss of an offensive player be treated like a death sentence? In typical form that undoubtedly left thousands of gamblers cursing their misfortune, the Beavers proceeded to not only win, but also put up their best offensive performance of the season.

8. LSU (defeated No. 3 South Carolina 23-21) – Football teams, much like wild animals, are most dangerous when cornered. That danger only grows when you also have a home night game and about 80,000 indignant Cajuns at your dispense. LSU spent all of last week being put through the grinder, but had a chance to redeem itself with new belle of the ball South Carolina coming to town. The Tigers spent most of the night showing the same offensive ineptitude that got them knocked down the rankings in the first place, but managed to dig down and get a win when they absolutely needed it.

9. Oklahoma (defeated No. 18 Texas 63-21) – Just when people think that the Sooners can’t be any less impressive, they go and do something like this… and totally redeem themselves. Perhaps fueled by the 127 different types of food that you can have deep fried for you at the Texas state fair, Oklahoma blew the doors off of the Longhorns. You have to feel bad for Texas. Most of the games in this rivalry are instant classics, but the Longhorns rarely get to be on the good side of the occasional blowouts. At least Texas fans can now focus on the upcoming election. We hear that the state has gained an extra voting district due to the rapid growth of the swelling in David Ash’s throwing wrist.

10. Florida State (defeated Boston College 51-7) – Just like many middle school bullies who finally have someone stand up to them, Florida State tucked its tail and ran after last week’s upset loss to N.C. State, then found the first wounded small animal in the immediate area (Boston College) and mercilessly beat the crap out of it. All of that offense that the Seminoles elected not to use in the second half of the N.C. State came flooding back just in time to wash out the Eagles. Just imagine how great life would be for Boston College if it had stayed in the Big East. They would be a BCS bowl contender each year and the basketball team would be eyeing a high seed now that everyone else is leaving.

11. South Carolina (lost to No. 9 LSU 23-21) – Poor South Carolina. The Gamecocks notched what was arguably the biggest win in school history with a thumping of Georgia, so OF COURSE they have to head to LSU for a night game in Death Valley the very next week. Gamecock fans will try to put a silver lining on the sudden downturn in fortunes by pointing to the 21 points put up against LSU, but one of those touchdowns was set up by an interception return inside the 5 and another came against what was essentially a prevent defense that was just looking to keep Carolina from scoring quickly. Carolina proved against UGA that it can seize momentum, but to reach the top, the Gamecocks will have to find a way to win close games against equally talented teams.

12. The BCS Poll (message board fodder since 1998) – For as much as the USELESS Poll will tout a larger playoff system as we get closer to the end of the season, there is no denying a very important role that the BCS rankings play in our culture. The first poll of the year was just released and there are already huge debates breaking out over whether Florida deserves its No. 2 spot, how good Oregon really is, how much Notre Dame’s schedule can help it, etc. There is nothing better than watching internet yahoos debate the strength of schedule merits of playing a WAC team as opposed to a Sub Belt squad when everyone still has at least six games to play.

13. Ohio State (defeated Indiana 52-49) – There are plenty of ways to prove yourself as an elite team in college football. Falling behind Indiana early and then just barely outlasting the Hoosiers in a shootout has never been one of those ways. Maybe OSU really is that good and Urban Meyer and the rest of the Buckeyes are just mocking their own ineligibility by beating the good (relative term) Big Ten teams handily, then struggling against everyone else… Or maybe the two football teams collaborated and decided that they would try to match the final score of either of the two OSU/Indiana basketball games this season.

14. Georgia (did not play) – It’s not much, but watching South Carolina lose had to ease the Bulldogs’ pain over last week’s stubbed toe. Even though Florida still leads both teams in the standings and the Gamecocks still hold the tiebreaker over the Bulldogs, Georgia can still swing all of the momentum with just one win. If Georgia can take down Florida and win out through the rest of the conference schedule (UGA will likely be favored in every game but the Florida matchup), the Bulldogs will still get to play for the SEC title.

15. Clemson (did not play) – After seeing Florida State go down, Clemson looked to the schedule to see which underdog team would be the school that it would take for granted and play down to, thus keeping pace with the Seminoles. Luckily, last Saturday was a bye week for the Tigers. If Dabo Swinney is a smart man, he brought a high school team in to scrimmage his guys and tried to convince his players that this was the real deal. Do that, and the Tigers get their awful loss out of the way and the ACC standings are none the wiser.

16. West Virginia (lost to Texas Tech 49-14) – The Mountaineers are just determined to be as Big XII-ish as possible, aren’t they? Not only have they totally abandoned even the premise of playing defense at a functional level, but they have even perfected the art of suffering a crippling loss just as the nation has started fawning on them. To West Virginia’s credit, Texas Tech isn’t the easiest place to play. The Raiders have pulled off their share of upsets and a second consecutive week of traveling from West Virginia to Texas would be a tough task for any team. But still, 49-14? That’s rough.

17. Rutgers (defeated Syracuse 23-15) – The Scarlet Knights just keep on chugging along. You probably can’t name a single person on the team and there aren’t any sure-fire first round picks on the roster, yet Rutgers is a solid B-plus or A-minus in nearly every facet of the game. What if Rutgers and Louisville both make it to their Nov. 29 showdown still undefeated? There would be a BCS bowl game and possible a top-5 ranking on the line. The last time that happened with these two teams in 2006 produced the only time in recorded history that a kicker has ever looked like a badass. Rutgers’ kicker drilled the game-winner with no time left, then wheeled around – knowing exactly where the ESPN Skycam was – and started cheesin’ for all of America to see. That’s pocket presence, people.

18. Mississippi State (defeated Tennessee 41-31) – The Bulldogs spent a few weeks on the periphery of the USELESS Poll before finally breaking into the party. Having an undefeated record halfway through the season is a great accomplishment for any team, but Mississippi State has a schedule so soft that could get an endorsement from toilet paper manufacturers. Even the SEC teams that the Bulldogs have played – Auburn, Kentucky and Tennessee – probably account for three of the worst four teams in the league. Throw in some heroic winning efforts against the likes of Troy, South Alabama and Jackson State, and the USELESS Poll still isn’t sure just what to make of Mississippi State.

19. Louisville (defeated Pittsburgh 45-35) – The Cardinals have received more than their fair share of abuse from this poll so far this season, but credit will now be given where it is due. Louisville faced a tough road game against a determined opponent, but came through the fire still unscathed. The Cardinals also deserve some extra credit for having the quarterback with one of the best names in college football. Teddy Bridgewater might sound more like a porn star name than that of a quarterback, but the USELESS Poll only grades Teddy’s attributes on the latter of those two professions.

20. Indiana State (defeated North Dakota State 17-14) – The best thing about sports is that nobody will ever think less of you for holding a grudge. North Dakota State defeated Georgia Southern – official home team of the USELESS Poll – in the semifinals of the FCS playoffs last season. The Bison looked nearly unstoppable (especially in the broken down Fargo, ND plane hangar, which probably doubles as salt storage for the road de-icers in the winter, that they call home) for most of this season. To the delight of the pollsters, that NDSU mystique came crashing down last week as the Fightin’ Larry Birds came to town and took away a win. ISU gets the nod for exacting some revenge on Georgia Southern’s behalf. Also, the team has the balls to play football despite having a ridiculous name like ‘Sycamores’ for its moniker. That’s got to be worth something.

21. Texas A&M (defeated No. 21 Louisiana Tech 59-57) – In a battle of two talented offenses flying under the radar, the Aggies came out on top and now replace the Bulldogs in the No. 21 slot. Texas A&M nearly got the celebration started too early as Louisiana Tech erased 25 points out of what was a 27 point second half deficit. Johnny Manziel is quickly becoming the most exciting freshman in the country and, considering the offensive issues of other SEC West teams, the Aggies could be looking to play spoiler and climb up the rankings in the coming weeks.

22. Cincinnati (defeated Forham 49-17) – A third Big East team has somehow broken into the top-25. Don’t worry folks, we’ve got our guys looking into it. Cincinnati is the nation’s quietest unbeaten team. ‘But how can you be quiet while not losing,’ you ask… Well, mostly, you do it by braving perennial titans like Delaware State (one FCS playoff appearance in the last 20 years) and Fordham, which sounds like it should be an Ivy League school, but is instead far inferior – both in academics and football playing ability. Cincy is only on here because staying undefeated into the second half of October is tough no matter who you play.

23. Ohio (defeated Akron 34-28) – Nine years after being let go by Nebraska for no good reason, Frank Solich is finally getting his revenge. The Bobcats made waves with an opening week win over Penn State, but have been on the margins of the polls ever since. Ohio hasn’t done anything incredibly world-shattering, but the record speaks for itself. The Bobcats are one of just 12 teams left in the nation that haven’t lost a game yet. With Louisiana Tech going down last weekend, the Bobcats are the nation’s last hope at a BCS buster.

24. Arizona State (defeated Colorado 51-17) – The Sun Devils made the poll as part of a Pac-12 package deal a couple of weeks ago, but now they’re in on their own merits. Arizona figured to be the most dangerous team in the state this season, but the Wildcats’ better located, harder partying (according to Playboy’s top party schools list) rivals are proving to be a tough out for anyone that runs across them. Of course, the Sun Devils’ stay in the poll could be short-lived as they take on Oregon this week. Some analysts are making noise by calling for an upset, but ASU should just start with holding the Ducks under 50 points and move forward from there.

25. Texas Tech (defeated No. 3 West Virginia 49-14) – Plenty of dark horse teams fall from grace, but few are dispatched as unceremoniously as West Virginia when Texas Tech beat the holy hell out of the Mountaineers last week. The Red Raiders’ defense had been the main talking point for the team through the first half of the season and the unit showed exactly how good they could be in quieting the formerly unstoppable WVU offense and shutting down Heisman hopeful Geno Smith.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northwestern, Michigan, Stanford

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Boise State, TCU

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.