USELESS Poll: Week 8

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

For the first time in weeks, the top of the USELESS Poll stays rock solid. We’re already more than halfway through the season and the cream is starting to rise to the top.

Plenty of down-to-the-wire games highlighted this past week, as well as an unprecedented 8-for-8 performance in the pollsters’ pick’em challenge, made this quite an exciting week.

Notre Dame continues to find ways to come out on top while South Carolina went from stubbing its toe to potential freefall.

As for the rest…

1. Alabama (defeated Tennessee 43-13) – With each passing week, Alabama is relying more on its title as still-undefeated defending champion – and not impressive showings – to maintain its hold on the top spot. That isn’t exactly a knock on the Tide. It’s just that other teams near the top have piled up the signature wins while the continued crapification of the SEC West has left Alabama without any sort of challenger on the field so far. The Tide now faces three consecutive ranked teams, so we’ll soon see if keeping them up here all season was the right call.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 24 Arizona State 43-21) – Bad News: Arizona State was able to accomplish this poll’s goal for them and kept Oregon under 50 points. Good News: Oregon still racked up 43, and that was without even attempting to score in the second half. Oregon is like that one friend with the cool parents that got all of the new video games before anyone else on the block. He invites you over to play, but then you discover that he has figured out all of the cheat codes to NBA Jam and won’t share with you to make it an even fight. Eventually, you end up crying in a corner while Oregon is still running around and jumping 75 feet into the air while on fire. By the time the Ducks come out of their offense-fueled fever dream, Chip Kelly has to tell them that their friends gave up and went home two hours ago.

3. Florida (defeated No. 11 South Carolina 44-11) – Remember way back when the SEC East was South Carolina’s to lose? Those must have been a crazy three or four days in Columbia. During the media days and summer camp, the talking heads didn’t figure to be anywhere near the conference championship – much less the national championship – discussion. Most figured that all the Gators could look forward to was beating Tennessee for third place in the East and maybe get Dooly fired. But here we are in late October and Florida is the only undefeated team in the division. Gator fans shouldn’t get too content just yet though. Georgia is next on the schedule and the Bulldogs can control their own destiny if they take down Florida.

4. Notre Dame (defeated BYU 17-14) – Not a whole lot looked pretty for Notre Dame last week, but that big ‘0’ in the loss column still looks pretty nice. The defense continues to impress while giving the offense all the time in the world to figure things out. The Irish will need more than 17 points to beat Oklahoma and USC, but an undefeated season is likely if they can find a way to win those two. At Notre Dame’s current pace of slowly rising up in the rankings, our scientists calculate that they’ll reach No. 1 by: *checks calculator* December 21, 2012… Wait… That means… Nooooooooooo. Damn Mayans. You’ve seen our impending doom. No wonder the Catholic church is ramping up the canned food drives. They’re preparing for the apocalypse.

5. Kansas State (defeated No. 16 West Virginia 55-14) – A week after an unimpressive performance against Iowa State, the Wildcats made the trip out to West Virginia and beat the ever-loving crap out of the Mountaineers. West Virginia has already played its way out of Big XII contention and may have lost its shot at a Heisman winner as well. Going head-to-head against presumed Heisman favorite Geno Smith, KSU quarterback Colin Klein clearly looked like the superior player. Also, it really helps to have some premise of a defense for the occasional failed offensive drive. Bill Snyder may be stepping down from his head coaching position after this season, so the Wildcats had better savor this. We’ve all seen what Kansas State looks like when being run by anyone not named Bill Snyder.

6. LSU (defeated No. 21 Texas A&M 24-19) – The Tigers have rebounded nicely from that loss to Florida, beating South Carolina and now outlasting upstart Texas A&M. LSU has a week off before taking on Alabama in a game that – aside from likely determining the SEC West winner – might produce some hyperbole from analysts in the days leading up to the game. The USELESS Poll implores the Tigers to spend the extra week of practice searching for something that could even appear to resemble a competent offense. I don’t think that our country can handle another awful regular season LSU/Bama game like last year.

7. Oregon State (defeated Utah 21-7) – The Beavers are basically Notre Dame with a little more offensive identity. Oregon State hasn’t thrown up many amazing numbers, but opponent after opponent is unable to get anything going against the Beavers. We here at poll headquarters can’t wait for the annual Civil War game between the immovable object of the Beavers and the irresistible force that is the Oregon Duck offense. By the way, ‘Civil War’ doesn’t quite fit. There aren’t enough good stories of drunken fan violence during the game to constitute the name. Instead, let’s go with ‘Nike Bowl’.

8. Oklahoma (defeated Kansas 52-7) – The colors on the jerseys may have changed, but Oklahoma continued to display the dominance of its runaway win over Texas two weeks ago. The Sooners took about a month to get their offense going, but the last two games have started to make up for lost time. The Sooners are also benefitting from Kansas State’s continued good play as that loss to the Wildcats in Norman is looking more excusable with each KSU win. Oklahoma’s offense is in for a challenge this week as it takes on the stifling defense of Notre Dame. If Landry Jones can keep his offense firing, the Sooners might be on their way back into the top-5.

9. USC (defeated Colorado 50-6) – The Trojans are absolutely a top-10 team. Their only problem is that they aren’t the top-10 team that the media predicted they’d be at the beginning of the year. USC was supposed to ride Matt Barkley to 20 touchdown passes per game and never have to worry about games being close in the second half. To Barkley’s credit, he’s been good so far. But the huge expectations placed on him and his team have led to some hard-fought wins against quality teams being turned on their head and used as arguments that the Trojans are underperforming. USC finally gave those types of critics what they wanted as Barkley and company lit up the Fightin’ Kordell Stewarts for numbers that set no less than three records for futility by the Colorado defense.

10. Friends’ Weddings (consider this high ranking your gift) – Obviously, there are some big upsides to attending a friend’s wedding. There’s good food, the ability to dress up and feel all fancy, and – if you’re single – plenty of eligible ladies hanging around whose biological clocks start ticking loud enough to interrupt the ceremony. These weddings can be a burden if you have to travel halfway across the country or shell out a few hundred bucks for a suit/dress to be a part of the ceremony, but hopefully you have a cool set of friends that will at least be kind enough to load you up with alcohol afterwards. However, all of this goes out the window when a wedding is scheduled in the middle of football season. The poll is willing to at least try to understand the small oversight of marrying a girl who insists on a fall wedding so long as brides realize that in this day and age of smartphones, they are going to have a wedding and reception full of men clicking away and staring anywhere but at you and your fancy dress. Football waits for no bride.

11. Florida State (defeated Miami (FL) 33-20) – Fresh off of handing Boston College a huge loss, the Seminoles were all lined up for a bit of a down week. Combine that fact with a road date at a bitter and storied rival like Miami and FSU was all set up for one of those trap games that make such great talking points during the week. Aside from losing leading rusher Chris Thompson for the rest of the season, the Noles were on top of their game. Miami continues to underwhelm at every opportunity and it’s safe to say that the Hurricanes – and all of their fans that no longer show up for games – have lost all of their swagger from the early 2000s. Still, in this rivalry Florida State should be forced to make a 35-40 yard field goal before it can claim a victory.

12. Ohio State (defeated Purdue 29-22) – The Buckeyes continue to make even more of a joke of the Big Ten by trashing the records of all of the teams who are eligible to win the conference or play in a bowl. Ohio State’s win over Purdue wasn’t pretty and required a last-second touchdown, but it also proved that the Buckeyes can overcome what most people agree is their biggest weakness (aside from a fondness for free tattoos, of course). The Buckeyes don’t have any scary offensive playmakers outside of Braxton Miller, but faced with a deficit and after watching their quarterback get helped off of the field, they dug down and found just enough to get the win. Golf clap for OSU.

13. Clemson (defeated Virginia Tech 38-17) – If ever there was a time for Clemson to put on one of its usual mid-season meltdowns, last week was it. The Tigers survived their always-competitive game against Georgia Tech and welcomed in a Hokies squad that has gone from ACC favorites to fighting to stay above .500. Virginia Tech still has plenty of weapons and was able to take an early lead and was within seven points at halftime. Many other Clemson teams would have taken that opportunity to inexplicably fold, but Tajh Boyd continued his impressive season and kept the Tigers moving up in the standings.

14. Georgia (defeated Kentucky 29-24) – After taking a whipping at South Carolina and then receiving a bye week to stew on its problems, Georgia should have had no issues in coming out strong against a hapless Kentucky team. But the Bulldogs just can’t seem to get out of second gear, no matter the opponent. Any coach in the SEC would be right to say that the talent and athleticism on UGA’s roster rivals any other team in the conference, but the Bulldogs can’t make that translate to better performances on game day. If UGA doesn’t figure things out in the next few days, there won’t be enough large outdoor cocktails in all of Jacksonville to help ease the pain.

15. Texas Tech (defeated TCU 56-53 in 3 OTs) – So it’s decided… The Raiders can be a national contender so long as you give them a sufficiently douchy coach a few years to get things going. Texas Tech got everyone’s attention by being the first team to slow down West Virginia’s carnival fun house of an offense and – although the Raiders’ usually great defense was exposed – found a way to keep things going with a win over TCU. The quick rise up the rankings may be short-lived as Texas Tech travels to Kansas State this week, but if the Raiders can pull off the upset, the schedule eases up down the stretch and an 11-1 record isn’t out of the question.

16. Mississippi State (defeated Middle Tennessee State 45-3) – Another week goes by without MSU doing anything to ensure the USELESS Poll that it really belongs up here. The Bulldogs have played a steady diet of cupcakes with a combined record of 16-32, and that includes Jackson State, which is just 4-4 in FCS play. All of the fun and games will likely come to a screeching halt this week as Mississippi St. takes on Alabama. The Bulldogs might have the talent to give the Tide a game, but it’s hard to be up for a team like Bama when you haven’t challenged yourself once in the first two months.

17. Rutgers (defeated Temple 35-10) – The Scarlet Knights faced a tricky road game and Temple, but passed with flying colors. The Rutgers defense continues to be stingy and has accounted for nearly one-third of the team’s total touchdowns (8 of them to the offense’s 19). The biggest thing that the Knights have going for them is that they have a big head start in conference play over fellow Big East undefeated teams Louisville and Cincinnati. Rutgers has already played four conference games while Louisville has played two and Cincinnati just one. Rutgers has two relatively easy out-of-conference home games and should be a top-15 team as it enters a tough final stretch of at Cincinnati, at Pittsburgh and Louisville.

18. Louisville (defeated South Florida 27-25) – Just when it looked like the Cardinals were turning a corner, they go right back to their old ways of just barely scraping by against sub-par teams. South Florida was a trendy pick to win the Big East at the beginning of the season, but the Bulls are just 2-5 and winless in conference play. There was certainly no good reason for the Cardinals to have such a difficult time in getting the win. If the same Louisville team shows up to play Cincinnati on Friday night, it won’t be undefeated for much longer.

19. Michigan (defeated Michigan State 12-10) – With the Wolverines’ close, ugly win over their in-state rival, the USELESS Poll was convinced that Michigan deserves a spot in the rankings, but even more convinced that the Big Ten is utterly unwatchable. Somehow, there are only three teams in the entire conference with overall records that are under .500, but it seems like that number should be much higher.

20. Texas A&M (lost to No. 9 LSU 24-19) – The USELESS Poll refuses to dock teams just because they lose, and the Aggies are a prime example of why. Texas A&M has two losses – to the Nos. 3 and 6 teams in this week’s poll – by a combined total of eight points. In many other polls, the Aggies would have dropped from their previous week’s ranking and could have slipped out of the rankings altogether. But that doesn’t make sense. There aren’t a ton of teams out there that could stay within two touchdowns of either Florida or LSU. The Aggies couldn’t pull of the upset in either of their opportunities against those teams, but it deserves plenty of credit for taking both down to the wire.

21. Boise State (defeated UNLV 32-7) – Whether you love the Broncos for their underdog-iness or hate them for having the gall to not belong to the Pac-12 or Big XII, there is one thing that you can’t deny about them: Boise State wins the games that it is supposed to win more often than any other team in the nation. The Broncos haven’t lost a game to an unranked team since the 2007-08 season. Say what you will about weak schedules, but how many perennial top-20 teams can claim that they haven’t suffered a devastating upset in the last five years?

22. Stanford (defeated California 21-3) – It’s really hard to get a grip on just what exactly Stanford is. Two losses are a lot to take when we haven’t even hit Halloween, but both were on the road and one is a heartbreaker at the hands of a current top-5 team. Even considering their win over USC, the Cardinal haven’t done anything to set off fireworks. Stanford is – without trying to make this an insult in any way – as vanilla as it comes. Regardless of how many games Stanford wins or loses, 90 percent of people won’t realize it unless the Cardinal are playing their team. Stanford is a very good team, but it has lost all of its sex appeal without a No. 1 draft pick to keep it in the everyday news cycle.

23. Ohio (did not play) – The USELESS poll is putting out a call to all of its readers to help us discover where so many colleges got their nicknames. Sure, there are the generic, overused names like Eagles, Tigers, Warriors, etc., but so many universities have great back-stories to their names while some seem totally random. Some teams take after their state’s nickname like the Buckeyes and Hawkeyes. Others take after local fauna like the Gators and Rajun Cajuns. But what about schools like Ohio? Are we missing something? Are there random ferocious cats running about in central Ohio? Why do people from Western Kentucky revere those who are able to climb hills? These are the questions that keep us up all night. That doesn’t make us weird, right?

24. Mid-season coach firings (defeats common logic and sensible thinking) – For a few schools that fall out of any sort of playoff or high-profile bowl scenario early on, there is always the chance that your school will burst back into the headlines when it fires its head coach – usually without thinking about the millions of dollars still owed to the guy after the 10-year contract that he was given after one or two decent seasons. There are few things more entertaining than reading the press clippings and watching post-game conferences of guys who know that the axe is about to drop. There’s definitely a reality show hidden in here somewhere. Whatever that show is, there are surely millions who would pay to see it.

25. Toledo (defeated No. 22 Cincinnati 29-23) - Embrace the MACtion, everybody! The Mid-American Conference has never been confused for a power player on the national scene, but November is closing in and the conference still has four teams with one loss or less. The Rockets haven’t played the most intimidating schedule in the world, but last week’s win over Cincinnati is enough to earn this go-getter conference a second team in the poll.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Texas, Wisconsin, Nebraska

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Louisiana Tech, West Virginia

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.