USELESS Poll: Week 4

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

We’re finally getting past those first few weeks of the season where traditional powers play schools that you’ve only vaguely heard of. Not only are the top teams about to dive into their conference schedules, but conference play means traditional rivalries and traditional rivalries mean that I get to spend the next two months watching internet message boards explode with 364 days worth of hate.

Now, on to this week’s rankings…

1. Alabama (defeated Florida Atlantic 40-7) – The Crimson Tide put up a good fight, but couldn’t quite run its shutout streak to three games in a row. After the game, FAU may have inadvertently started some of that conference trash talk. Asked about playing the Tide, a coach for the Owls responded that “we definitely weren’t playing Georgia.” Alabama and Georgia can’t meet until the SEC championship game, but a quote like that should provide plenty of fodder for fans to work with.

2. Florida State (defeated No. 8 Clemson 49-37) – In a battle between two schools that are notorious for losing big games, somebody had to accidentally come through for their fan base for once. Not only did the Seminoles win, but they looked good while doing it. Clemson showed its firepower in building a lead, but FSU showed that it is on a different level over the final 20 minutes of play. The schedule only gets easier for the Noles from here, so as long as they don’t screw it up, the denizens of Flabama can prepare to party like its 1993.

3. Oregon (defeated Arizona 49-0) – Before Mike Belloti introduced the novel concept of not sucking at football to Oregon University in the 1990s, the only thing that the Ducks were known for were their runners. In keeping with school tradition, Oregon’s offense seems to resemble a track meet most of the time. Most are well aware of the Ducks’ offensive prowess, but if their defense is going to continue to shut down other high-scoring teams like Arizona on a regular basis, they could be a national title contender.

4. LSU (defeated Auburn 12-10) – In a preview of plenty of SEC West games that won’t involve Alabama this season, I’m sure that a few dozen unlucky nursing home patients were left unattended with this game playing, only to die of boredom as they watched a pair of teams that seemed to forget what they were supposed to do when they have possession of the football. Sure, the SEC is packed with good defenses, but UL-Monroe has proved that those squads aren’t all that impossible to score against. Find some offense or find a different game to televise.

5. West Virginia (defeated Maryland 31-21) – Turn the clock back five years and there was only one team – Oregon – that had jumped the shark with its wacky uniforms. While there have been some misses to go along with the hits, at least the Ducks have used mostly school colors. That wasn’t the case for the Mountaineers this week as they took the field in  unis that were about 90 percent grey. It was hideous. Not as hideous as Maryland’s football playing ability, but not much better.

6. Georgia (defeated Vanerbilt 48-3) – I feel as though many of us are owed an explanation from the talking heads who assured everyone in the preseason that Vanderbilt was no longer a doormat program. Tony Franklin is a fiery coach and all that, but the fact remains that the Commodores have no offensive threats and are led by a quarterback who could serve as a high school anatomy subject as to what happens when one brother receives all of the recessive football-throwing genes. But also credit Georgia. Vandy was at least limiting the offenses of other teams before the Bulldogs destroyed them.

7. Kansas State (defeated No. 5 Oklahoma 24-19) – Putting up big numbers in the opening weeks is one thing, but Kansas State took the next step this past week. The Wildcats went on the road to a highly-ranked conference rival and imposed its will. Given the mix of impressive stats and competent opponents already played, it could be argued that K-State has been one of the most impressive teams in the country so far this season. I’m told that we’ll also get some interviews to learn more about the Wildcats’ key players just as soon as anybody figures out where the hell Manhattan, KS is.

8. South Carolina (defeated Missouri 31-10) – Perhaps sensing that he’d need to play perfectly to hold off Dylan Thompson in the latest Steve Spurrier related QB controversy, that’s almost exactly what Connor Shaw did. He went 20-for-21 passing, missing on his first throw and then completing 20 in a row. That’s beyond insane. You couldn’t take your most athletic friend and complete 20 10-yard out routes in a row against air, much less do the same against people who are trying to kill both of you. With numbers like that, Spurrier should be content with his starting quarterback until at least Thursday or so of this week.

9. Notre Dame (defeated No. 22 Michigan 13-6) – Can you feel it? Can you taste it? Can you smell it? No matter your preferred sensory organ, it’s impossible not to notice that Notre Dame is a pretty good football team once again. Sure, the offense isn’t what a lot of people would call flashy – or, at some times, even competent – but with that defense, the Irish aren’t going to need a ton of points. Special recognition this week goes to ND linebacker Manti Te’o, who once again proves that anybody wearing a number that is totally wrong for their position should be considered extremely dangerous. If you’re a quarterback and you see a linebacker wearing a number like “5” on the chest of Te’o, it’s best to just stay away.

10. Stanford (did not play) – Another smart move by those really smart smart guys over at Stanford. Lots of teams will try to work their schedules so that they have a week off before the game with their biggest rival or most challenging opponent. That gives you extra preparation time, but when you’ve somehow managed to dominate a perennial power that your school has no business dominating as Stanford has with USC lately, why not schedule the open date for a week after and pencil in some extra celebration time?

11. USC (defeated California 27-6) – Two weeks into the season, it looked as though Matt Barkley should have started writing his Heisman acceptance speech. He was on fire and the Trojans were rolling. But then came the loss to Stanford and Saturday’s follow up performance where – despite the win – Barkley passed for under 200 yards. Still, he had a pair of touchdown passes and getting to double-digit wins will do more to help his campaign than one extra 300-yard performance.

12. Florida (defeated Kentucky 38-0) – If Vanderbilt is a doormat in the SEC East, then Kentucky is like the old, ripped up towel that you use to clean up your dog after he’s been running around in the mud. I couldn’t be sure as I was already in full tailgating mode while watching the UF/UK game, but I’m pretty sure that at one point the Kentucky quarterback completed three consecutive passes to Gators. Florida will get a tougher test this week as it takes on the always challenging open date.

13. Clemson (lost to No. 2 Florida State 49-37) – The Tigers really let things get away from them over the last quarter or so, but that shouldn’t take away from the fact that they looked very solid for most of the night. Tajh Boyd, Andre Ellington and Sammy Watkins are already a nightmare for opponents, but now they’re lining up all over the field, taking turns throwing and catching. Maybe the Tigers should try them out on defense as well.

14. Texas (did not play) – The Longhorns didn’t have a game this week, but even if they had somehow forgotten about a matchup, they could have mailed in some of their extra points from that blowout against Ole Miss a couple of weeks ago and still maintained their unbeaten record. Texas has to be getting excited. With Oklahoma’s loss, the Longhorns might go into this season’s rivalry game as the favorite for the first time in three years. I think all rivalry games should be played at a state fair. Losing one of those games brings about a pain that only a deep fried stick of butter can ease.

15. TCU (defeated Virginia 27-7) – This whole plan of playing in a conference that is actually known for its good football is really working out for TCU. The Horned Frogs have outscored opponents 103-13 while playing nobody of note, but are now getting more credit for doing so. TCU has one more punching bag on the schedule before starting Big XII play and really testing itself.

16. My Birthday (winning… duh) – My birthday broke into the rankings last week and has soared up the poll thanks to the fact that today actually is my birthday. September 24 really had a chance to break into the top-10, but things like having to work on my birthday and having to pay off my car’s registration (the checks should be incoming, not outgoing) held it back a bit. Nevertheless, it’s still a joyous day. Plus, I still have some birthday cake left over from this weekend’s tailgate.

17. Ohio State (defeated UAB 29-15) – The Buckeyes started the season off strong, but have started a steady decline. Ohio St. needed the full 60 minutes to put away an incredibly mediocre Cal team two weeks ago, then struggled heavily against a very bad UAB squad. The Buckeyes have Michigan State this week and won’t be in the next poll if they don’t shape up quick. Also, considering this season’s bowl ban, how did OSU not take advantage of the scheduling loophole given to schools that are on NCAA timeout and schedule a game at Hawaii? Your fan base has tons of cash. They could have bought out a schedule slot in late November and given everyone a tropical vacation in lieu of a postseason.

18. Oklahoma (lost to No. 16 Kansas State 24-19) – I warned you, Oklahoma. I warned you multiple times. From the beginning of the season, did we here at the USELESS Poll not tell the Sooners that they were messing around and were going to get burned? There is no sympathy for you, Oklahoma. Every year, you find a way into the top-10. And every year, you have at least two or three games where everyone on the field totally forgets that they’re talented. To be fair, the Sooners didn’t play all that horribly and were beaten by a very good team in Kansas St. Still, to start the year in the top-5 and not even make it to October before losing is pretty disheartening.

19. Oregon State (defeated No. 19 UCLA 27-20) – Oregon State, you sneaky bastards. First, you knock off Wisconsin back when people were still calling Wisconsin a really good football team. Then, as soon as UCLA is the trendy team, you walk into the Rose Bowl and knock them off as well. I’m still not sure just how good the Beavers are, but they sure know how to get the most publicity out of their wins. With the higher-ranked, Technicolor circus act just down the road, Oregon State will stay under the radar and might roll into that showdown against the Ducks with the Pac-12 North on the line.

20. Louisville (defeated Florida International 28-21) – Louisville… Come on. Work with us a little. The USELESS Poll believes that all BCS conferences should have at least one team in the top-25, but the Cardinals are making it tough. They tried hard to blow a lead against UNC a couple of weeks ago, then went out and just barely beat a school that is best known for starting a massive brawl and getting half of its players suspended. If Louisville isn’t careful, Rutgers is going to replace it as resident Big East representative.

21. Michigan State (defeated Eastern Michigan 29-7) – That loss to Notre Dame must have really taken something out of the Spartans. Eastern Michigan exists almost entirely for Michigan and Michigan State can feel good about themselves during down years. Hell, the Eagles don’t even beat Western or Central Michigan all that often. If MSU can only put 29 points on the board, that’s nothing to be proud of. Here at the poll, we didn’t expect any Big 10 teams to walk away from 2012-13 with a national title, but team after team is looking worse and struggling to beat weak schools. Get it together, guys. If MSU or Ohio State or Nebraska can’t pull it together, all that conference play will be is 80,000 people sitting around and waiting for frostbite to set in.

22. Boise State (defeated BYU 7-6) – I was busy last Thursday night, so I was thankfully spared from the worst nationally televised game so far this season. It’s one thing to have two incredible defenses that refuse to give an inch, resulting in a low scoring game. It’s quite another to watch offenses that are absolutely incompetent. Anytime the winning team doesn’t register an offensive point, you know that you’ve probably wasted three hours of your life by watching the game. Usually, I’d respect a team for having the guts to go for two and try to win the game in regulation like the Cougars did. But sadly, it was obvious that BYU’s decision had nothing to do with being gutsy and everything to do with the fact that they didn’t think their offense had any chance to score points again.

23. Baylor (defeated Louisiana-Monroe 47-42) – Lots of credit to the Baylor Bears. Every once in a while, a team that has never been a power gets a Heisman-caliber player and rides him to national prominence. But the departure of that player is usually met with an immediate fall from grace. That’s not looking like the case for Baylor so far. The Bears are 3-0 and looking like they’d like to keep RGIII’s habits of recording winning records and bowl appearances. On a side note, Friday’s win provided one of the worst beats for degenerate gamblers so far this season. The Bears were nursing a 47-35 lead – but covering the 7-point spread – with just over two minutes to go. UL-Monroe took too much time getting down the field and a scenario in which the Warhawks could score, recover an onside kick and score again to win the game was implausible by the time they got into Baylor territory. So, with only the betting line still at stake, the Bears gave up a cheap TD pass wit six seconds to go, and gamblers everywhere were either joyous or despondent.

24. The Beginning of Fall (defeats summer by 10-20 degrees) – Ever since moving to Georgia 13 years ago, my birthday has had an added perk. Not only do I get some gifts and cash, but the oppressive southern heat finally starts to break. There is nothing better than spending 12 hours tailgating, but it can be tough to do during the early games where the temperature tops 90 degrees. But now the seasons have officially changed. With it, the weather is already nicer. The only thing better will be receiving that first power bill after my A/C stops running 24 hours a day.

25. Northwestern (defeated South Dakota 38-7) – Quick, name a Big 10 team that is currently undefeated. Most of you would get Ohio State, but if you passed on the Buckeyes and gave any answer other than Northwestern or Minnesota, you’d be wrong. Yep… The Wildcats and Golden Gophers are your current leaders in the Legends Division. Full disclosure: the USELESS Poll has had a soft spot for Northwestern ever since Darnell Autry and the Wildcats shut up a certain heavily disciplined Pennsylvania school back in 1995. Northwestern is usually good for one run at a Big 10 title every decade or so. They went to the Rose Bowl in ’95 and finished in second place early in the millennium. With a solid squad and a down conference, this could be the year for the Wildcats.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Wisconsin, Nebraska, Virginia Tech

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Rutgers, UCLA, Mississippi State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 3

 

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

This week, we saw some teams tumble from grace (USC), some teams that have possibly forgotten that they are supposed to be good at football (Arkansas), and plenty in between.

Alright, Johnny. Let’s go to the big board…

1. Alabama (defeated Arkansas 52-0) – Despite Arkansas’ top-10 preseason ranking, I think it’s safe to say that nobody outside of Fayetteville thought that the Razorbacks would put up a huge fight against the top two teams in the SEC West. To the credit of most Arkansas fans, I didn’t hear many complaints about how the game would have been closer if Tyler Wilson had played. If Tyler Wilson is worth 52 points against a team as good as Alabama, he should be starting for most NFL teams instead of hanging around campus picking up Bobby Petrino’s sloppy seconds.

2. Florida State (defeated Wake Forest 52-0) – One 52-0 blowout in the top two spots of the poll deserves another, so Florida State vaults into the second championship game slot after thoroughly embarrassing Wake Forest. Through three games – two and a half if you count the merciful early exit they gave Savannah State - the Seminoles have outscored their competition by a total of 176-3. If Clemson can’t do anything to slow down FSU this week, the ‘Noles will be at the top of everyone’s list for national title contenders.

3. LSU (defeated Idaho 63-14) – Way to take a breather there, LSU. I know that North Texas and Washington must have really taken it out of you in the first two weeks. The Tigers not only went to a state that is hardly synonymous with college football to find an opponent, but they picked on the Idaho school that can’t even defend itself in its own crappy conference. Someday, a perennial power is going to get brazen enough to go all-in on the soft scheduling. A team with the history of someone like Alabama and the personal television network of someone like Texas is going to go independent, have a few good years, then schedule nothing but punching bags and dare the polls to do something about it.

4. Oregon (defeated Tennessee Tech 63-14) – What is it with these duplicate scores? Bama and FSU get matching shutouts and LSU and Oregon both notched 63-14 wins. My guess is that the thrill of beating awful teams just because those schools are willing to travel across the country and take a whooping to make a few bucks has worn off. I bet that during the early weeks when all of these mismatches take place, there is a super secret meeting between the BCS powers where a score is picked out of a hat and everyone tries to match it.

5. Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners took the weekend off, but rode the upset of USC back into the top-5. Hopefully, the OU cheer squad took the opportunity to practice the running of the Sonner Schooner. How is that even allowed anymore? You can’t watch TV for 10 minutes without a responsible drinking commercial airing, but Oklahoma takes a captive audience of over 80,000 – most of whom have been tailgating heavily for hours – and sprints a horse-drawn wagon around the field. What drunk idiot wouldn’t want to recreate that after the game? Other noted festivities around the nation include Clemson sprinting down the hill and Colorado unleashing a live buffalo, but the schooner run is that only thing that screams potential death. I suppose the buffalo could do damage, but that would require people to actually attend Colorado games.

6. West Virginia (defeated James Madison 42-12) – The Mountaineers aren’t usually one of the first names that comes to mind when you think about schools that love getting fat off of the FCS, but I think that things are about to change. Now that WVU is in the better-respected Big XII, two things will make it become a perennial cupcake muncher. The Mountaineers will get that extra 2-3 slot bump in the polls for being in a more prestigious conference, allowing them to take it easy on the non-conference schedule. Getting FCS schools and FBS lightweights on the schedule is also more likely now that WVU’s conference games are far outside the traveling scopes of its fan base. Ma and Pa used to be able to rope up the pigs and have them drag the trailer to Pittsburgh, but that won’t fly when WVU is set to visit Texas. They need as many home games as possible to keep the natives happy.

7. Georgia (defeated Florida Atlantic 56-20) – The Bulldogs continued their impressive quest towards getting pummeled in the SEC championship game with an easy win over Florida Atlantic. Georgia is 3-0, but still hasn’t turned it on in the first half. The Bulldogs led just 28-14 at the break, and that is by far the best first half result for them so far. As for the Owls, have a little respect for yourselves. It’s one thing for Savannah State to offer its head up on a platter for a check, but Florida Atlantic is an FBS team. They just played Georgia and travel to Alabama next. As one diligent USELESS poll reader pointed out to me, the Owls are like the high school girl that gets invited to a college party and is so excited to be there that she doesn’t realize that she’s been passed around the entire frat house until she drunkenly stumbles home in the morning.

8. Clemson (defeated Furman 41-7) – Furman wins major points for most lucrative scheduling move of the year so far. The Paladins haven’t been able to beat anybody at the FCS level, so why not at least get paid to continue to suck against FBS teams? Adding to the fiscal responsibility of the Paladins is that they didn’t even have to spend most of their payoff on flying the team across the country or putting them up in a hotel. Furman made a quick trip, played piñata for a few hours, then went right back home with a much heavier wallet. Having already attempted to take the thrill out of one of its division races in the first week of the season, the ACC is now set to kill all of the drama. Clemson and Florida State meet this week, with the winner facing little to no competition from the rest of the division the rest of the way.

9. South Carolina (defeated UAB 49-6) – The Palmetto State squeezes another team into the top-10 as South Carolina joins the party this week. The Gamecocks did so with an easy win over UAB. As someone who likes to spout off picks each week, I’d like to give a special thank you to the Blazers. While we’ve already covered the year-to-year ineptitude of teams like Eastern Michigan and Idaho, those pesky little teams in the Sun Belt and Conference USA have a bad habit of cycling through every couple of years and leaving you with a sure bet gone wrong when someone like Louisiana-Monroe ends up being a decent team. That isn’t the case with UAB. Nobody in my immediate circle of friends can remember the last time the Blazers weren’t awful.

10. USC (lost to Stanford 21-14) – I think that the pollsters have fallen in love with giving teams huge drops in the ratings. USC dropped from the consensus No. 2 all the way down to No. 13 in the newest AP poll. And why? It’s not like the Trojans lost to some awful team. The same goes for a team ranked in the high teens that takes a top-5 team to the wire before losing, then drops out of the next poll just because another mark went up in the loss column. A lot of people might knock this poll for keeping USC ahead of Stanford. I’ll admit its close, but the Song Girls break the tie. There are things in life besides football, Stanford.

11. Stanford (defeated No. 2 USC 21-14) – Of course, that whole “being good at football” thing does come in handy when trying to decide a football championship. I knocked the Cardinal pretty hard when they needed every last bit of their talent to hold off San Jose State in the opener. As a result, Stanford has spent the last two USELESS polls on the outside looking in, but now they’re back with a vengeance. Maybe Matt Barkley will petition the NCAA for a fifth year of eligibility so he can finally figure out a way to beat the Cardinal.

12. Notre Dame (defeated No. 9 Michigan State 20-3) – Notre Dame has had its share of decent teams over the last 15 years or so, but even the ones that shot up the rankings tended to be fatally flawed. Tyrone Willingham’s first couple of teams had six NFL players on defense, but couldn’t score to help them out. Charlie Weis’ teams had Brady Quinn and lots of other firepower, but got outscored thanks to a defense that couldn’t keep up with anything even resembling speed. This year, the Fighting Irish don’t have anybody that is particularly scary to opponents, but they do everything competently enough to be a very good team. They still have plenty of tough opponents left on the schedule, but Lou Holtz is out back gassing up the bandwagon as we speak.

13. Random Channels Showing Football Games (defeated alternative programming by 15 Neilson points) – The Noon kickoffs produced a bunch of unwatchable games this past week. The traditional channels like ESPN and ABC offered up only the Florida State massacre of Wake and Pittsburgh beginning to roll over Virginia Tech. Desperately in search of a close game, we found NBC Sports Network and the William & Mary at Towson game. Not only did it have one of the few competitive games, but it was in HD! The hell with fuel efficient cars and fixing the economy, we need more high-def FCS games at our viewing disposal. Ask not what college football can do for you…

14. TCU (defeated Kansas 20-6) – The Horned Frogs spent most of their afternoon trying to figure out a way to finally break through against Kansas. Hey everybody, remember that one fever dream of a season where Kansas was ranked third in the entire nation? What was that all about? The Jayhawks have kept the world from collapsing on itself due to its own ridiculousness now that they are back in the Big XII basement, but they are showing signs of life. I think that the key is returning to a morbidly obese coach. Mark Mangino had Kansas on the verge of greatness before he got canned and the in-shape Turner Gil made things even worse. Now, Charlie Weis has the Jayhawks fighting again.

15. Texas (defeated Ole Miss 66-31) – I think that Texas is really, really pissed off about not being nationally relevant during the last two seasons. The biggest problem for the Longhorns has been finding their next star quarterback. David Ash has finally emerged and put up the video game numbers last week to prove it. Ash went 19-of-23 for 326 yards and four touchdowns. I guess that Ole Miss was too busy putting eight in the box and readying itself for smashmouth SEC football to notice.

16. Kansas State (defeated North Texas 35-21) – With a few more upsets taking place over the weekend, Kansas State had an opening to take yet another big step up the USELESS Poll. But perhaps still exhausted from running every which way over Miami in Week 2, the Wildcats had to battle for a two-touchdown win over North Texas. It wasn’t a particularly bad showing. Kansas State never trailed in the game but when you can’t crush a team whose nickname is an agitated color, you aren’t going to move up in the rankings.

17. Michigan State (lost 20-3 to No. 18 Notre Dame) – It was another rough week for the Big Ten. Week 2 saw Wisconsin and Nebraska both go down in flames. Michigan State stepped to the forefront as the new favorite to roll through the conference, but was then thoroughly dominated by Notre Dame. I didn’t see the end of the game, but I think that the Spartans at least prevented the Irish from planting their flag on the MSU field.

18. Ohio State (defeated California 35-28) – So now the new frontrunner in the Big Ten isn’t even eligible to win it. Ohio State struggled with Cal for three and a half quarters, but looked like a big-time team when things mattered most. The Buckeyes should have a much easier time with UAB this week and will likely roll into their conference schedule with an undefeated record. Maybe we can get a repeat of last year’s Pac-12 South and send a .500 team to a BCS conference championship game in lieu of the ineligible Buckeyes.

19. UCLA (defeated Houston 37-6) – The Bruins continue to impress and – with USC’s conference loss – are now leading the way in their division. For most of the last decade, UCLA could barely buy a point. Now, the Bruins are lighting up scoreboards left and right. If they can keep up the good work in their Pac-12 opener against Oregon State this weekend, the foregone conclusion that USC would run away with the division will be very much in doubt.

20. Florida (defeated Tennessee 37-20) – Even though Tennessee has been circling the drain for a few years, winning seven straight games in a rivalry as fierce as Florida/Tennessee is a tall order. Jeff Driskel is finally starting to look like the quarterback he was supposed to be two years ago and Florida has assumed the spot as potential spoiler to either Georgia or South Carolina in the SEC East race. As for Tennessee fans, at least Lane Kiffin lost. So I guess they have that going for them.

21. Louisville (defeated North Carolina 39-34) – What is it with the Big East? I get that their teams haven’t been the best lately, but why does every team that gets to the top of the standings try so hard to throw it away as quickly as possible. Louisville is a very good team and I think that they’ll be able to handle other Big East squads, but the Cardinals did their best to blow a huge lead against incredibly mediocre North Carolina. Doesn’t the Big East get it? If you win the conference, you’ll probably get stomped in the BCS bowl, but at least you get to go to Miami or New Orleans instead of some third-rate trash bowl.

22. Michigan (defeated Massachusetts 63-13) – It has not been a warm welcome to the FBS for UMass. The Minutemen were widely picked among those who had enough spare time to rank all 124 FBS teams as the worst in the country heading into the season. Michigan seems to have regrouped after that ass-kicking it absorbed against Alabama, but Big Ten fans should be rooting against the Wolverines. The last thing that the conference needs is to send a team to a BCS bowl that has already been blown out by a team from another big-time conference.

23. Boise State (defeated Miami (OH) 39-12) – Also rebounding from an opening week loss are the Broncos. Boise put up a good fight against Michigan State in its first game, but it was clear that it just doesn’t have the firepower that made it such a threat over the last few years. The Broncos won’t put up the same ridiculous scores this year and have little to no shot at a big bowl game, but if they keep improving, another season of double-digit wins should be in line.

24. My Birthday (defeating every other day of the year, 365-0) – Technically, my birthday isn’t until after this upcoming weekend, but since Monday Night Football is still part of the football weekend (and since I make this poll), I’ll allow it. Even better, Georgia Southern plays at home during the week of my birthday for a fourth straight season, so I get to force dozens of my closest fellow tailgaters to sing to me before I go watch football. For those wishing to contribute to my birthday, I am registered at beer distributors and sports memorabilia shops throughout the country.

25. Virginia Tech (lost to Pittsburgh 35-17) – I’m still trying to figure out just what exactly happened to Virginia Tech. Maybe the Hokies looked at Pittsburgh’s embarrassing start to the season and didn’t give them any respect. Maybe they filled up on Primanti Brothers’ sandwiches before the game and couldn’t move. Either way, the only thing keeping VT in the poll this week is that this wasn’t a conference game. If the Hokies don’t shape up, Georgia Tech might sneak back into the chase for the conference title game.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Nebraska, Mississippi State, Northwestern, Baylor

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Arizona, Oregon State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 2

 

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

With so many upsets and close calls in college football this past week, you knew that there would be a shakeup in the rankings.

Ok, USELESS Poll, it’s your time to shine…

Here’s where the chips fell after last weekend.

1. Alabama (defeated Western Kentucky 35-0) – Did any of you hear Nick Saban fly off the handle during his midweek press conference. He was so genuinely confused and upset that others would dare to look past the (searches directory of team nicknames of obscure schools)… Hilltoppers that he took the opportunity to defend them. He did such a good job of talking about all of the dangerous weapons on WKU’s roster that I think early 1990s Lou Holtz started to blush. Way to take down those giants, Bama!

2. USC (defeated Syracuse 42-29) – Why in the world would any elite high school player not want to go play for USC? The Trojans are already treated like rock stars in their home town of Los Angeles, and things only get better when they hit the road. I was shocked when I saw that the Trojans’ game against Syracuse was a road game, but then I realized that it was at MetLife Stadium. When other Pac-12 schools get knocked in the polls, they blame east coast bias. When USC feels that way, they go across the country and set up shop right outside of New York City. Even Syracuse had to like the setup. I’m assuming that the western portion of upstate New York is already under seven feet of lake-effect snow.

3. LSU (defeated Washington 41-3) – For the first time all season, one of the three teams that have made up the very top spots of all three USELESS polls actually trailed in a game. Washington took the opening kickoff, marched down the field, then put one through the uprights to take a 3-0 advantage. I didn’t see the rest, but I would assume that the next 57 minutes of game time saw the Huskies continuously high-fiving themselves over the field goal while LSU players jogged into the end zone over and over. Until the Tigers get some better competition, I think that we should make things interesting and force all Tigers’ starters to eat five bowls of tailgate gumbo before kickoff.

4. Oregon (defeated Fresno State 42-29) – In its first two games, Oregon has scored 85 points in the first half against just 16 in the second half. My theory is that the Ducks possess such mind-boggling team speed that some of their second half touchdowns break through the time-space continuum and end up putting points on the board back in the first half. Oregon’s freshman QB looks like the real deal, but looses points for having a name that I can never remember. As a general rule, you don’t make your name more difficult to pronounce until you’ve had at least one All-American season and want to build up recognition (I’m looking at you, Tony Dorsett and Joe Theisman).

5. Florida State (defeated Savannah State 55-0) – Usually known for their free shoes and football roster criminal rate second to only Miami, Florida State gains poll points and a sportsmanship award for letting poor Savannah State off the hook. Not only did the Seminoles have most of the backups in before the end of the first half, but they agreed to call off the game after some lightning rolled through in the second half. During an afternoon slate of games that didn’t offer too many thrillers, I’d like to think that Vegas sportsbooks had a few dozen degenerate gamblers glued to the FSU-SSU weather delay to see if they’d get a chance to cash in on laying 70.5 points.

6. Oklahoma (defeated Florida A&M 69-13) – Nothing quite washes away the sour taste of an underwhelming Week 1 showing like beating the crap out of an FCS school. And not just any FCS school, but a MEAC school. That’s like the Mountain West of FCS conferences. Landry Jones’ two touchdowns and an interception still weren’t awe-inspiring, but you can get away with those numbers when you have five different guys rush for more than 50 yards.

7. West Virginia (did not play) – College football is funny. For the better part of a decade, the Big East has been universally criticized for turning out nothing but mediocre teams despite its stature as a BCS conference. That same timeframe saw West Virginia rise to prominence, yet it was still all they could do to beat out the occasional upstart Cincinnati or South Florida for the conference title. This year, the Mountaineers move into what has been arguably the second best conference in the nation for that same span of time, but WVU only figures to be the underdog in one or two games.

8. Georgia (defeated Missouri 41-20) – The final score sure looked pretty, but the new SEC East team on the block gave UGA all it could handle for three and a half quarters. The Bulldogs seem to have found a breakout star in freshman running back Todd Gurly, but that’s a tune UGA fans have sung before. Every year, some freshman running back bursts on the scene. Every year, that guy gets a lot of attention throughout the conference and is one of the biggest names heading into his sophomore season. And every year, that guy finds a way to fade away, due to either an injury, a particularly damning criminal charge, or falling victim to another good performance by a freshman and UGA fans tripping over themselves to declare the new guy the next Herschel Walker.

9. Michigan State (defeated Central Michigan 41-7) – A special thank you to the Chippewas for living down to my expectations of the directional Michigan schools that I pointed out last week. Every year, Eastern, Western and Central Michigan spend the first three or four weeks dutifully standing in as tackling dummies for some combination of Michigan, Michigan State and Ohio State. I’m not a big fan of playing pushover teams after the first week of the season, but the Spartans get a pass for taking on a Top-25 team in their opener.

10. Clemson (defeated Ball State 52-47) – The Tigers scored 32 points against the Fighting Football Cardinals in the second quarter alone. Do you realize how hard it is to score that many points in one quarter? Assuming that Clemson isn’t full of absolutely horrible people (perfectly debatable) that go four two after every touchdown, that’s at least five scoring drives in a 15-minute span. That’s tough to do even in video games. The only person that deserves more sympathy than Ball State fans (that means you, David Letterman) is the Clemson sports information director. The Tigers had nine different ball carriers and 12 different receivers catch a pass on the day. That probably took an extra 30 minutes to record while doing the final stats.

11. Online Pick’em Pools (thousands of irate comments) – I would venture a guess that more than a few smartphones were broken in anger over all of the upsets this weekend. Whether it’s a high-stakes confidence pool, a message board pick’em for chest-thumping privileges, or an illegal bookie that did the damage, I saw plenty of people shedding tears every time they checked the scoreboard and saw a team ranked somewhere between 5-20 on the ropes. Don’t worry guys, it’s only the second week. Besides, I’ve got tons of winners for this week. You can double your money. Trust me.

12. South Carolina (defeated East Carolina 48-10) – The Gamecocks are the big beneficiary of all of those upsets, jumping up four spots this week. South Carolina beat a not-totally-worthless East Carolina team in convincing fashion. The only downside from Saturday is that Connor Shaw was out with an injury and backup Dylan Thompson played a little too well when given the start. Thompson put up 330 passing yards and three touchdowns. I smell a team-deflating quarterback controversy. Plus, watching Thompson go, Spurrier got that crazy Wuerffel-gleam in his eyes.

13. Virginia Tech (defeated Austin Peay 42-7) – After taking down Georgia Tech in its opener, Virginia Tech can go through the final 10 weeks of the regular season with the constant game plan of “Just Don’t Screw This Up”. The Hokies have a clear road to the ACC championship team so long as they don’t get upset. VT’s offense has looked good so far, but they’ll need to keep things going in high gear if they hope to take down Florida State in what seems like an inevitable title game clash.

14. TCU (defeated Grambling State 56-0) – The television talking heads never cease to amuse the USELESS Poll. Back when the Horned Frogs were a dominant Mountain West team that could hang with any big-name programs in bowls, they would have been put through the ringer for playing a team like Grambling. It would have been “something that will cost them when the BCS bowls are looking at resumes”. Now that TCU is in the Big XII, playing cupcakes is just business as usual. Sure, the conference schedule is tougher now, but playing a crappy team is playing a crappy team, no matter what conference you belong to.

15. Texas (defeated New Mexico 45-0) – Texas didn’t have to put much thought into getting its second win, but any time you can shut out an FBS opponent, it’s a good thing. I always get New Mexico and New Mexico State confused. Which one is the Lobos and which is the Aggies (UNM is the Lobos, just so we’ve all got it straight). When it comes to college football, I’m not sure it really matters. At least New Mexico students are farther away from actual Mexico. Those kids in Las Cruces are less than 10 miles from the border. That has to make them about 1500% more likely to get killed by a drug cartel run amok.

16. Kansas State (defeated Miami (FL) 52-13) – This had to be the worst loss ever for anyone who was a Miami fan back in the glory days of the 80s and 90s. The Hurricanes have taken beatings from teams like Notre Dame and Penn State and Virginia Tech, but never has Miami been so humiliated by a team that stands for everything it doesn’t. The Wildcats play in the middle of nowhere, thousands of miles from a beach, and are about as dynamic and flashy as ‘Nilla Wafers. Old man Bill Snyder just made Billy Blades cry somewhere. That’s worth a few spots in the poll.

17. Ohio State (defeated Central Florida 31-16) – The Buckeyes look like they’re on pace to take USC’s spot as really good team that can’t technically win anything. Ohio State won’t go to any bowl games, but Urban Meyer seems like he’s already ahead of schedule. Of course, this could also backfire. So much early success will lead to increased expectations next season when OSU is eligible to win a title. This could bump up Meyer’s impending stress-stroke by one or two years.

18. Notre Dame (defeated Purdue 20-17) – Brace yourselves, nation. Notre Dame is 2-0. The Irish-loving is about to rain down upon you like so much Lou Holtz spittle. Notre Dame doesn’t look like world beaters yet, but Purdue is supposed to be a dark horse in the Big Ten. The Irish have plenty of monumental speed bumps on their schedule, but more wins will only add to the bandwagon. If ND pulls off the upset against Michigan State this week, we’re going to need to hire a lifeguard to make sure Mark May doesn’t drown.

19. Wisconsin (lost to Oregon State 10-7) – Where has the Wisconsin offense gone? Was Russell Wilson really THAT good? The Badgers just bludgeoned teams last year despite being a more conventional, power-based offense. Many key parts of that offense are back this season, but the scoring sure isn’t. To be fair, Oregon State pulls this sort of thing in Corvalis every couple of seasons. Still, it’s time for the Badgers to get their act together.

20. Sub-80 temperatures (defeating the relentless southern heat) – I don’t know about the rest of the country, but I want to tailgate without risking heat stroke. The first week of the season saw plenty of games taking place in near 90-degree temperatures. That’s not football. I don’t necessarily want more Ice Bowls either, but Week 2 finally took a step in the right direction. It’s fall (or at least it will be in about a week). When I show up to a tailgate I want to smell charcoal and barbeque instead of No Natz and sweat.

21. Louisville (defeated Missouri State 35-7) – The Cardinals continued to do their best to make sure that at least one Big East team is somewhat relevant. Louisville deserves this. Not only did they have to put up with having Bobby Petrino as a coach, but they were also upset in the few years that they were high up in the rankings without him. The rest of the conference needs to just lay down for its own good. Louisville won’t beat any of those teams at the top, but they can at least put up a fight in a big bowl game. Don’t mess around and have someone like Rutgers accidentally win the league and get everyone humiliated in January.

22. UCLA (defeated No. 13 Nebraska 36-30) – Rick Neuheisal was right about UCLA getting back into the national discussion. All he had to do was get out of the way first. The Bruins have exploded for 85 points in their first two games and look like they could be the second best team in the Pac-12 South. There really isn’t a reason why UCLA shouldn’t be good. They play in a much better part of Los Angeles than USC. It’s Pasadena. They play in the Rose Bowl. If they could get just the chump change of the Beverly Hills residents that live close to campus, the athletics budget could soar and the Bruins could lie, cheat and steal at a Top-10 level.

23. Florida (defeated Texas A&M 20-17) – I have watched every game that SEC East teams have played this season. I cannot, with a good conscience, say that there are four Top-25 teams in that division. Georgia and South Carolina are loaded on talent, but I’m still on the fence about Florida and Tennessee. Florida gets the nod this week, but the two could easily switch places after their matchup this week. The Gators still look like an incredibly flawed team. Texas A&M isn’t bad, but they certainly won’t be confused for a world-beater anytime soon. Florida needed every bit of execution it could muster just to scrape by.

24. Arizona (defeated No. 14 Oklahoma State 59-38) – Bobby Petrino’s slightly less despicable cousin Rich Rodriguez is back to his old tricks again out in Arizona – the majority of those tricks being to turn a blind eye to defense while scoring so many points that you don’t have to worry about it. The Wildcats took on the Cowboys and out-gunslung them up and down the field. Arizona might give an already strong Pac-12 even more quality. Plus, the campus is rife with porn star and shirtless Gronkowski sightings. There’s something for everybody!

25. Arkansas (lost to Louisiana-Monroe 34-31) – A word of advice for big name college football teams… If you find yourself near the top of the rankings, you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT lose to a team with a hyphenated name. It’s just bad form. I rated the Razorbacks lower than most in the first two polls because I refused to accept the opinions of some (highly stupid) people that one division from one conference could house three of the best five teams in the country. There’s little doubt now how misguided that high ranking was for some other polls. I don’t care how hurt your quarterback is or how much your former head coach stole the headlines during the offseason. You just can’t lose to a team that half of the country has never heard of.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Tennessee, BYU, Boise State, Nebraska

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Stanford, Michigan, Oregon State

 

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you feel should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll - Week 1

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

So sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy this week’s top teams…

1. Alabama (defeated No. 9 Michigan 41-14) – The reason for the Tide’s top ranking remains simple. They’re the defending champs, so they won’t budge from here until someone takes them down on the field. Of course, the method in which they kept that winning streak alive was pretty impressive. Alabama absolutely steam-rolled a Michigan squad that, for some reason, was a top-10 team. I get that Denard Robinson is an exciting player and all, but shouldn’t you have to have, I dunno… ANY OTHER OFFENSIVE THREATS to qualify as a good team? Needless to say, that wasn’t much of a test for Bama.

2. USC (defeated Hawaii 49-10) – After a long six-hour flight across the Pacific, what better way to enjoy the beautiful scenery of Los Angeles than by having your head unceremoniously bashed in by USC? Matt Barkley tossed a 75-yard touchdown on the very first play of the season en route to 372 passing yards and four touchdowns. The Trojans also scored on the first play of the second quarter. Perhaps feeling just the slightest twinge of guilt, Barkley held back his troops and waited until the second play of the fourth quarter to put up their seventh touchdown. I think it’s safe to say that Barkley is the Heisman frontrunner.

3. LSU (defeated North Texas 41-14) – Kudos to LSU for at least staying in the FBS for its annual season-opening mud stomping of a cupcake. Those tiny, insignificant Louisiana schools had enough to worry about with the hurricane earlier in the week anyways. The Tigers’ defense looked every bit as good as advertised and with this season’s discovery of the forward pass, LSU shouldn’t have much trouble until the middle of its schedule. The only downside to Week 1 was that the blowout win prevented LSU from executing critical offensive concepts such as “Let Les Miles talk us into going for it on 4^th and 30”.

4. Oregon (defeated Arkansas St. 57-34) – Why in the hell did Arkansas St. go all that way to get pummeled? There are plenty of SEC and Big XII teams within a few hours drive that could have done that for them with half of the hassle. My guess is that there was a campus-wide pot shortage and the football team was elected as ambassadors to our hemp-scented brothers of the northwest. Considering that Oregon led 50-7 in the second quarter, I think that some of the players may have broken into the stash a bit early.

5. Oklahoma (defeated UTEP 24-7) – I’ve got to hand it to the Sooners. After a long, sweltering Oklahoma summer, they were able to show up to Week 1 in midseason form. That is to say, incredibly underwhelming. No team has mastered deflating their fan base in the opening weeks of the season quite like the Sooners. A few years ago, they broke their Heisman shoe-in quarterback in a Week 1 upset loss. This past week, they waited until the fourth quarter to get their lead up over three points. The only reason they’re still ranked this high is because I don’t want to admit that putting them fourth in the preseason poll might have been a horrible mistake.

6. Florida St. (defeated Murray St. 69-3) – The only thing keeping Florida St. out of my top-5 was their decision to play an FCS team in their opening game. Unless you’re a struggling FBS team that needs a win to get your fans excited, playing an FCS school first is a cop-out. But if you’re going to do it, at least do it well. The Seminoles passed that test with flying colors. If FSU can start doing this against FBS schools, they’ll soon be passing other teams on this poll instead of the intentionally blank spots.

7. West Virginia (defeated Marshall 69-34) – Remember that touching scene in “We Are Marshall” where West Virginia opened up its doors and playbook to help Matthew McConaughey get his rag-tag Thundering Herd back in the game? Where is that mercy? Where is that brotherhood? I think that Marshall should be demoted back to the FCS after that showing. If Marshall hadn’t broken through for 24 second half points against the Mountaineers’ backups, I would have had no choice but to make an entirely inappropriate and tasteless plane crash joke.

8. Georgia (defeated Buffalo 45-23) – Georgia gets some credit for turning on the afterburners and running away from Buffalo in the second half. The Bulldogs get even more credit for managing to get through the game and the after party without any more players getting arrested. UGA will get a much tougher test this week when they hit the road to give Missouri its first SEC challenge. I haven’t checked the police report yet, but I think that everyone is still eligible.

9. Michigan St. (defeated No. 7 Boise St. 17-13) – If the Spartans’ defense keeps this up, it’s going to be a long year for the rest of the Big 10. Even with Kellen Moore’s departure, Boise St. is supposed to have another very formidable offense. Michigan St. totally shut down the Broncos and the only BSU touchdown came via interception return. As a general rule, it’s always a good game plan to have one of your running backs outgain your opponent’s entire offense.

10. Wisconsin (defeated Northern Iowa 26-21) – The Badgers led 26-7 in the fourth quarter and Northern Iowa is a very good team, but neither of those facts is a good enough excuse for why this game was so close. Wisconsin’s defense was stellar for most of the day and Danny O’Brien’s two passing touchdowns proved that pillaging the ACC for quarterbacks is a viable strategy. The biggest disappointment on the day was Montee Ball, who rushed for over 100 yards, but needed 32 carries to do it.

11. Arkansas (defeated Jacksonville St. 49-24) – The Razorbacks may have taken the easy road to 1-0 by scheduling an FCS school, but at least they shut down an SEC running back. Former UGA running back Washaun Ealey was held to nine yards on four carries before being knocked out of the game. For all of the turmoil that Arkansas went through this offseason, Saturday’s win was an important first step. I say that this calls for a celebration. Motorcycle rides and former student athlete assistants for everyone!

12. Clemson (defeated Auburn 26-19) – Who was that team playing Auburn on Saturday, and what did they do with the Clemson that we all know? Never one to miss an opportunity to let its fans down, this year’s Tigers looked like they’d get an early start to their routine. Not only did Clemson snag a preseason top-15 rating, but they drew an SEC opponent in a nationally televised game for their opener. Things looked like they would unravel as usual beginning with the suspension of Sammy Watkins, but the Tigers somehow managed to pull off the win and look like a quality team in the process. Maybe this is a new Clemson… Or maybe they’re just preparing for an even more epic letdown than usual.

13. Nebraska (defeated Southern Miss 49-20) – If there is going to be a dark horse that crashes the national championship discussion, Nebraska looks like a perfect fit. They have a schedule that is easy enough to run the table with, yet just enough tough games to build up respect. The defense has gotten consistently better and Taylor Martinez is one of the most dangerous dual threat quarterbacks in the country despite falling off the radar of many talking heads a couple of years ago. The key is getting running back Rex Burkhead healthy. It’s not just that he’s a good running back, but he’s a good white running back. That’s like finding an 11-leaf clover. It has to be worth some bonus BCS points late in the season.

14. Oklahoma State (defeated Savannah State 84-0) – Obviously, Oklahoma State has some lingering anger issues about being left out of the national championship game last season. I can’t think of any other reason why the Cowboys would have dragged Savannah State halfway across the country just to beat them into a bloody pulp. Saturday’s game set a record for largest point spread ever put on a college football game at 67.5 points. And Okie St. covered… by more than two touchdowns. I know that SSU got a nice payday for their trouble, but is the money really worth that kind of punishment and embarrassment? The sad part is that Savannah might get beaten even worse this week against Florida St. At least this time they can make it back home before midnight.

15. The boston butt at my tailgate (defeated meals from the previous week 100-0) – Being a fat kid who loves good food, I’m always one to pay attention to any chance to combine any sort of celebration with the consumption of dead animals. But this summer was a crazy one. Between a trip to Vegas, a job transition for my girlfriend, and doctor’s bills for me and my girlfriend, there wasn’t a whole lot of cash left to spend on quality summer grilling. Needless to say, when I saw a handful of boston butts lining the grill at my tailgate this weekend, I was overjoyed. And they didn’t disappoint. They were as good as you could imagine, and the fact that I could wash it down with copious amounts of beer and Georgia Southern football made it even better.

16. South Carolina (defeated Vanderbilt 17-13) – I’ve been around football for a long time. Being an offensive-minded person, I’ve debated every scheme and plan that could possibly work out. When I was in school, more than a few boring lectures had their notes replaced with a few pages of freshly drawn up plays. That said, I’ve never seen an offensive plan of attack that involved turning the ball over twice in your first three plays of the year. But that’s exactly what South Carolina did and damned if it didn’t (just barely) work out. By the end of the night, the Gamecocks finally found an offensive strategy that actually allowed them to score points, but I’m not sure how viable the plan is, since it involves having Connor Shaw sacrifice a shoulder and he only has one healthy shoulder left after the first week.

17. Virginia Tech (defeated Georgia Tech 20-17 in overtime) – For the last however many years (I’m writing this at 2 a.m. and don’t feel like looking it up) the ACC’s Coastal Division championship has boiled down to Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech. Every year, there are huge implications hinging on their meeting and every year the two schools play a great game. So will someone please explain why the game was moved to the first week of the season? What a waste of a perfectly good potential Thursday night in late October. Kudos to the Hokies for finding a way to win, but when the division only has one marquee matchup per year, the conference is out of its mind wasting that publicity 72 hours into the season.

18. TCU (did not play) – The Horned Frogs jump up a spot from their position in my preseason rankings. By sitting on the couch and choosing to watch other Texas teams sweat it out on an absurdly hot Saturday afternoon, TCU proved that it is definitely a smart team.

19. Texas (defeated Wyoming 37-17) – After a couple of disappointing seasons, Texas got 2012 off to a good start with a convincing win over what my sources tell me is an actual FBS school. Seriously, how do coaches from Wyoming recruit you to spend four years of your life there? I’m sure that it looks nice and all, but I can’t imagine that there are any other states with flagship universities that – despite their stature – are still hours away from any other form of civilization. My theory is that the University of Wyoming used to be in the center of a bustling metropolis, but millions were driven away when they saw the Cowboys’ uniforms.

20. Notre Dame (defeated Navy 50-10) – For the first time in what seems like forever, Notre Dame absolutely demolished an opponent. Sure, it was only Navy, but for a team that has had a recent rash of losses to teams that it wouldn’t have even considered lowering itself to play against 10 years ago, I guess you’ll take it. The best part about ND’s win was that the Irish were actually in Ireland. It’s always amused me to see how upset people get about Notre Dame always being on television. I say that the football team should move to Ireland. Not only would we get to start half of our college football Saturday’s three hours earlier with the 9 a.m. kickoffs, but the Irish would be the ONLY viewing option for all of those disgruntled fans whose teams can’t get their own TV contract. It’s a win-win.

21. Kansas State in the 4^th quarter (defeated Missouri St. 51-9) – Somebody must have given Kansas St. the wrong kickoff time for its season opener. That final score looks nice, but the game was tied at 9-9 midway through the third quarter before the Wildcats ripped off the game’s final 42. If the Wildcats from the final 20 minutes of play show up, they’re Big XII contenders. If those guys from the first half try to play in conference games, things will get ugly.

22. Ohio State (defeated Miami (OH) 56-10) – The Buckeyes really have an advantage when it comes to getting easy early victories. The state of Ohio is so full of cupcakes that it should get checked for diabetes. Teams like Akron, Toledo, Miami, and post-Brian Kelly Cincinnati are not only easy victims for Ohio State, but there are so many of them that they can cycle through every few years without one team getting tired of being a punching bag. Honorable mentions for states with a bunch of crap teams that make for early Ws include Louisiana, most of the American Southwest, and the triumvirate of directional Michigan schools.

23. Louisville (defeated Kentucky 32-14) – The only thing better than starting off the season with a win is to do so at the expense of a rival. Usually, this game is great for doing some drunk hillbilly spotting. It’s a perfect storm of two teams that are bitter rivals, a nationally televised game (since they’re about the only game that’s ever on the Sunday before Labor Day), and the fact that neither team is usually a threat to accomplish anything greater than winning their rivalry matchup. Louisville has bigger and better aspirations this season, but if they can pursue those goals and still inspire irate ramblings on a UK message board, then more power to them.

24. Michigan (lost to No. 1 Alabama 41-14) – The Wolverines don’t deserve to be in this poll. The only reason they’re here is that I felt it was necessary to rub that score in their stupidly-helmeted faces one more time. Not only did Michigan get stomped, but they also managed to lose their best defender for the season and get their quarterback – who is apparently a Faberge egg – injured. If the Fightin’ Hugh Jackmans don’t turn it around quickly, they might not see their names up here for a while.

25. Ohio (defeated No. 25 Penn State 24-14) – GOOD: You’re a senior-laden team with tons of previous success and experience. BETTER: You storm into Happy Valley and ruin Penn State's attempt to come together and show that their proud football tradition will persevere. BEST: You do it with decals for child abuse awareness on your helmets.

Teams that are good, but just missed the Top 25: South Florida, Louisiana Tech, North Carolina, BYU

Teams that are probably top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Florida, Boise State, Stanford

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you feel should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.