USELESS Poll: Week 4

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

We’re finally getting past those first few weeks of the season where traditional powers play schools that you’ve only vaguely heard of. Not only are the top teams about to dive into their conference schedules, but conference play means traditional rivalries and traditional rivalries mean that I get to spend the next two months watching internet message boards explode with 364 days worth of hate.

Now, on to this week’s rankings…

1. Alabama (defeated Florida Atlantic 40-7) – The Crimson Tide put up a good fight, but couldn’t quite run its shutout streak to three games in a row. After the game, FAU may have inadvertently started some of that conference trash talk. Asked about playing the Tide, a coach for the Owls responded that “we definitely weren’t playing Georgia.” Alabama and Georgia can’t meet until the SEC championship game, but a quote like that should provide plenty of fodder for fans to work with.

2. Florida State (defeated No. 8 Clemson 49-37) – In a battle between two schools that are notorious for losing big games, somebody had to accidentally come through for their fan base for once. Not only did the Seminoles win, but they looked good while doing it. Clemson showed its firepower in building a lead, but FSU showed that it is on a different level over the final 20 minutes of play. The schedule only gets easier for the Noles from here, so as long as they don’t screw it up, the denizens of Flabama can prepare to party like its 1993.

3. Oregon (defeated Arizona 49-0) – Before Mike Belloti introduced the novel concept of not sucking at football to Oregon University in the 1990s, the only thing that the Ducks were known for were their runners. In keeping with school tradition, Oregon’s offense seems to resemble a track meet most of the time. Most are well aware of the Ducks’ offensive prowess, but if their defense is going to continue to shut down other high-scoring teams like Arizona on a regular basis, they could be a national title contender.

4. LSU (defeated Auburn 12-10) – In a preview of plenty of SEC West games that won’t involve Alabama this season, I’m sure that a few dozen unlucky nursing home patients were left unattended with this game playing, only to die of boredom as they watched a pair of teams that seemed to forget what they were supposed to do when they have possession of the football. Sure, the SEC is packed with good defenses, but UL-Monroe has proved that those squads aren’t all that impossible to score against. Find some offense or find a different game to televise.

5. West Virginia (defeated Maryland 31-21) – Turn the clock back five years and there was only one team – Oregon – that had jumped the shark with its wacky uniforms. While there have been some misses to go along with the hits, at least the Ducks have used mostly school colors. That wasn’t the case for the Mountaineers this week as they took the field in  unis that were about 90 percent grey. It was hideous. Not as hideous as Maryland’s football playing ability, but not much better.

6. Georgia (defeated Vanerbilt 48-3) – I feel as though many of us are owed an explanation from the talking heads who assured everyone in the preseason that Vanderbilt was no longer a doormat program. Tony Franklin is a fiery coach and all that, but the fact remains that the Commodores have no offensive threats and are led by a quarterback who could serve as a high school anatomy subject as to what happens when one brother receives all of the recessive football-throwing genes. But also credit Georgia. Vandy was at least limiting the offenses of other teams before the Bulldogs destroyed them.

7. Kansas State (defeated No. 5 Oklahoma 24-19) – Putting up big numbers in the opening weeks is one thing, but Kansas State took the next step this past week. The Wildcats went on the road to a highly-ranked conference rival and imposed its will. Given the mix of impressive stats and competent opponents already played, it could be argued that K-State has been one of the most impressive teams in the country so far this season. I’m told that we’ll also get some interviews to learn more about the Wildcats’ key players just as soon as anybody figures out where the hell Manhattan, KS is.

8. South Carolina (defeated Missouri 31-10) – Perhaps sensing that he’d need to play perfectly to hold off Dylan Thompson in the latest Steve Spurrier related QB controversy, that’s almost exactly what Connor Shaw did. He went 20-for-21 passing, missing on his first throw and then completing 20 in a row. That’s beyond insane. You couldn’t take your most athletic friend and complete 20 10-yard out routes in a row against air, much less do the same against people who are trying to kill both of you. With numbers like that, Spurrier should be content with his starting quarterback until at least Thursday or so of this week.

9. Notre Dame (defeated No. 22 Michigan 13-6) – Can you feel it? Can you taste it? Can you smell it? No matter your preferred sensory organ, it’s impossible not to notice that Notre Dame is a pretty good football team once again. Sure, the offense isn’t what a lot of people would call flashy – or, at some times, even competent – but with that defense, the Irish aren’t going to need a ton of points. Special recognition this week goes to ND linebacker Manti Te’o, who once again proves that anybody wearing a number that is totally wrong for their position should be considered extremely dangerous. If you’re a quarterback and you see a linebacker wearing a number like “5” on the chest of Te’o, it’s best to just stay away.

10. Stanford (did not play) – Another smart move by those really smart smart guys over at Stanford. Lots of teams will try to work their schedules so that they have a week off before the game with their biggest rival or most challenging opponent. That gives you extra preparation time, but when you’ve somehow managed to dominate a perennial power that your school has no business dominating as Stanford has with USC lately, why not schedule the open date for a week after and pencil in some extra celebration time?

11. USC (defeated California 27-6) – Two weeks into the season, it looked as though Matt Barkley should have started writing his Heisman acceptance speech. He was on fire and the Trojans were rolling. But then came the loss to Stanford and Saturday’s follow up performance where – despite the win – Barkley passed for under 200 yards. Still, he had a pair of touchdown passes and getting to double-digit wins will do more to help his campaign than one extra 300-yard performance.

12. Florida (defeated Kentucky 38-0) – If Vanderbilt is a doormat in the SEC East, then Kentucky is like the old, ripped up towel that you use to clean up your dog after he’s been running around in the mud. I couldn’t be sure as I was already in full tailgating mode while watching the UF/UK game, but I’m pretty sure that at one point the Kentucky quarterback completed three consecutive passes to Gators. Florida will get a tougher test this week as it takes on the always challenging open date.

13. Clemson (lost to No. 2 Florida State 49-37) – The Tigers really let things get away from them over the last quarter or so, but that shouldn’t take away from the fact that they looked very solid for most of the night. Tajh Boyd, Andre Ellington and Sammy Watkins are already a nightmare for opponents, but now they’re lining up all over the field, taking turns throwing and catching. Maybe the Tigers should try them out on defense as well.

14. Texas (did not play) – The Longhorns didn’t have a game this week, but even if they had somehow forgotten about a matchup, they could have mailed in some of their extra points from that blowout against Ole Miss a couple of weeks ago and still maintained their unbeaten record. Texas has to be getting excited. With Oklahoma’s loss, the Longhorns might go into this season’s rivalry game as the favorite for the first time in three years. I think all rivalry games should be played at a state fair. Losing one of those games brings about a pain that only a deep fried stick of butter can ease.

15. TCU (defeated Virginia 27-7) – This whole plan of playing in a conference that is actually known for its good football is really working out for TCU. The Horned Frogs have outscored opponents 103-13 while playing nobody of note, but are now getting more credit for doing so. TCU has one more punching bag on the schedule before starting Big XII play and really testing itself.

16. My Birthday (winning… duh) – My birthday broke into the rankings last week and has soared up the poll thanks to the fact that today actually is my birthday. September 24 really had a chance to break into the top-10, but things like having to work on my birthday and having to pay off my car’s registration (the checks should be incoming, not outgoing) held it back a bit. Nevertheless, it’s still a joyous day. Plus, I still have some birthday cake left over from this weekend’s tailgate.

17. Ohio State (defeated UAB 29-15) – The Buckeyes started the season off strong, but have started a steady decline. Ohio St. needed the full 60 minutes to put away an incredibly mediocre Cal team two weeks ago, then struggled heavily against a very bad UAB squad. The Buckeyes have Michigan State this week and won’t be in the next poll if they don’t shape up quick. Also, considering this season’s bowl ban, how did OSU not take advantage of the scheduling loophole given to schools that are on NCAA timeout and schedule a game at Hawaii? Your fan base has tons of cash. They could have bought out a schedule slot in late November and given everyone a tropical vacation in lieu of a postseason.

18. Oklahoma (lost to No. 16 Kansas State 24-19) – I warned you, Oklahoma. I warned you multiple times. From the beginning of the season, did we here at the USELESS Poll not tell the Sooners that they were messing around and were going to get burned? There is no sympathy for you, Oklahoma. Every year, you find a way into the top-10. And every year, you have at least two or three games where everyone on the field totally forgets that they’re talented. To be fair, the Sooners didn’t play all that horribly and were beaten by a very good team in Kansas St. Still, to start the year in the top-5 and not even make it to October before losing is pretty disheartening.

19. Oregon State (defeated No. 19 UCLA 27-20) – Oregon State, you sneaky bastards. First, you knock off Wisconsin back when people were still calling Wisconsin a really good football team. Then, as soon as UCLA is the trendy team, you walk into the Rose Bowl and knock them off as well. I’m still not sure just how good the Beavers are, but they sure know how to get the most publicity out of their wins. With the higher-ranked, Technicolor circus act just down the road, Oregon State will stay under the radar and might roll into that showdown against the Ducks with the Pac-12 North on the line.

20. Louisville (defeated Florida International 28-21) – Louisville… Come on. Work with us a little. The USELESS Poll believes that all BCS conferences should have at least one team in the top-25, but the Cardinals are making it tough. They tried hard to blow a lead against UNC a couple of weeks ago, then went out and just barely beat a school that is best known for starting a massive brawl and getting half of its players suspended. If Louisville isn’t careful, Rutgers is going to replace it as resident Big East representative.

21. Michigan State (defeated Eastern Michigan 29-7) – That loss to Notre Dame must have really taken something out of the Spartans. Eastern Michigan exists almost entirely for Michigan and Michigan State can feel good about themselves during down years. Hell, the Eagles don’t even beat Western or Central Michigan all that often. If MSU can only put 29 points on the board, that’s nothing to be proud of. Here at the poll, we didn’t expect any Big 10 teams to walk away from 2012-13 with a national title, but team after team is looking worse and struggling to beat weak schools. Get it together, guys. If MSU or Ohio State or Nebraska can’t pull it together, all that conference play will be is 80,000 people sitting around and waiting for frostbite to set in.

22. Boise State (defeated BYU 7-6) – I was busy last Thursday night, so I was thankfully spared from the worst nationally televised game so far this season. It’s one thing to have two incredible defenses that refuse to give an inch, resulting in a low scoring game. It’s quite another to watch offenses that are absolutely incompetent. Anytime the winning team doesn’t register an offensive point, you know that you’ve probably wasted three hours of your life by watching the game. Usually, I’d respect a team for having the guts to go for two and try to win the game in regulation like the Cougars did. But sadly, it was obvious that BYU’s decision had nothing to do with being gutsy and everything to do with the fact that they didn’t think their offense had any chance to score points again.

23. Baylor (defeated Louisiana-Monroe 47-42) – Lots of credit to the Baylor Bears. Every once in a while, a team that has never been a power gets a Heisman-caliber player and rides him to national prominence. But the departure of that player is usually met with an immediate fall from grace. That’s not looking like the case for Baylor so far. The Bears are 3-0 and looking like they’d like to keep RGIII’s habits of recording winning records and bowl appearances. On a side note, Friday’s win provided one of the worst beats for degenerate gamblers so far this season. The Bears were nursing a 47-35 lead – but covering the 7-point spread – with just over two minutes to go. UL-Monroe took too much time getting down the field and a scenario in which the Warhawks could score, recover an onside kick and score again to win the game was implausible by the time they got into Baylor territory. So, with only the betting line still at stake, the Bears gave up a cheap TD pass wit six seconds to go, and gamblers everywhere were either joyous or despondent.

24. The Beginning of Fall (defeats summer by 10-20 degrees) – Ever since moving to Georgia 13 years ago, my birthday has had an added perk. Not only do I get some gifts and cash, but the oppressive southern heat finally starts to break. There is nothing better than spending 12 hours tailgating, but it can be tough to do during the early games where the temperature tops 90 degrees. But now the seasons have officially changed. With it, the weather is already nicer. The only thing better will be receiving that first power bill after my A/C stops running 24 hours a day.

25. Northwestern (defeated South Dakota 38-7) – Quick, name a Big 10 team that is currently undefeated. Most of you would get Ohio State, but if you passed on the Buckeyes and gave any answer other than Northwestern or Minnesota, you’d be wrong. Yep… The Wildcats and Golden Gophers are your current leaders in the Legends Division. Full disclosure: the USELESS Poll has had a soft spot for Northwestern ever since Darnell Autry and the Wildcats shut up a certain heavily disciplined Pennsylvania school back in 1995. Northwestern is usually good for one run at a Big 10 title every decade or so. They went to the Rose Bowl in ’95 and finished in second place early in the millennium. With a solid squad and a down conference, this could be the year for the Wildcats.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Wisconsin, Nebraska, Virginia Tech

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Rutgers, UCLA, Mississippi State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.