USELESS Poll: Week 3

 

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

This week, we saw some teams tumble from grace (USC), some teams that have possibly forgotten that they are supposed to be good at football (Arkansas), and plenty in between.

Alright, Johnny. Let’s go to the big board…

1. Alabama (defeated Arkansas 52-0) – Despite Arkansas’ top-10 preseason ranking, I think it’s safe to say that nobody outside of Fayetteville thought that the Razorbacks would put up a huge fight against the top two teams in the SEC West. To the credit of most Arkansas fans, I didn’t hear many complaints about how the game would have been closer if Tyler Wilson had played. If Tyler Wilson is worth 52 points against a team as good as Alabama, he should be starting for most NFL teams instead of hanging around campus picking up Bobby Petrino’s sloppy seconds.

2. Florida State (defeated Wake Forest 52-0) – One 52-0 blowout in the top two spots of the poll deserves another, so Florida State vaults into the second championship game slot after thoroughly embarrassing Wake Forest. Through three games – two and a half if you count the merciful early exit they gave Savannah State - the Seminoles have outscored their competition by a total of 176-3. If Clemson can’t do anything to slow down FSU this week, the ‘Noles will be at the top of everyone’s list for national title contenders.

3. LSU (defeated Idaho 63-14) – Way to take a breather there, LSU. I know that North Texas and Washington must have really taken it out of you in the first two weeks. The Tigers not only went to a state that is hardly synonymous with college football to find an opponent, but they picked on the Idaho school that can’t even defend itself in its own crappy conference. Someday, a perennial power is going to get brazen enough to go all-in on the soft scheduling. A team with the history of someone like Alabama and the personal television network of someone like Texas is going to go independent, have a few good years, then schedule nothing but punching bags and dare the polls to do something about it.

4. Oregon (defeated Tennessee Tech 63-14) – What is it with these duplicate scores? Bama and FSU get matching shutouts and LSU and Oregon both notched 63-14 wins. My guess is that the thrill of beating awful teams just because those schools are willing to travel across the country and take a whooping to make a few bucks has worn off. I bet that during the early weeks when all of these mismatches take place, there is a super secret meeting between the BCS powers where a score is picked out of a hat and everyone tries to match it.

5. Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners took the weekend off, but rode the upset of USC back into the top-5. Hopefully, the OU cheer squad took the opportunity to practice the running of the Sonner Schooner. How is that even allowed anymore? You can’t watch TV for 10 minutes without a responsible drinking commercial airing, but Oklahoma takes a captive audience of over 80,000 – most of whom have been tailgating heavily for hours – and sprints a horse-drawn wagon around the field. What drunk idiot wouldn’t want to recreate that after the game? Other noted festivities around the nation include Clemson sprinting down the hill and Colorado unleashing a live buffalo, but the schooner run is that only thing that screams potential death. I suppose the buffalo could do damage, but that would require people to actually attend Colorado games.

6. West Virginia (defeated James Madison 42-12) – The Mountaineers aren’t usually one of the first names that comes to mind when you think about schools that love getting fat off of the FCS, but I think that things are about to change. Now that WVU is in the better-respected Big XII, two things will make it become a perennial cupcake muncher. The Mountaineers will get that extra 2-3 slot bump in the polls for being in a more prestigious conference, allowing them to take it easy on the non-conference schedule. Getting FCS schools and FBS lightweights on the schedule is also more likely now that WVU’s conference games are far outside the traveling scopes of its fan base. Ma and Pa used to be able to rope up the pigs and have them drag the trailer to Pittsburgh, but that won’t fly when WVU is set to visit Texas. They need as many home games as possible to keep the natives happy.

7. Georgia (defeated Florida Atlantic 56-20) – The Bulldogs continued their impressive quest towards getting pummeled in the SEC championship game with an easy win over Florida Atlantic. Georgia is 3-0, but still hasn’t turned it on in the first half. The Bulldogs led just 28-14 at the break, and that is by far the best first half result for them so far. As for the Owls, have a little respect for yourselves. It’s one thing for Savannah State to offer its head up on a platter for a check, but Florida Atlantic is an FBS team. They just played Georgia and travel to Alabama next. As one diligent USELESS poll reader pointed out to me, the Owls are like the high school girl that gets invited to a college party and is so excited to be there that she doesn’t realize that she’s been passed around the entire frat house until she drunkenly stumbles home in the morning.

8. Clemson (defeated Furman 41-7) – Furman wins major points for most lucrative scheduling move of the year so far. The Paladins haven’t been able to beat anybody at the FCS level, so why not at least get paid to continue to suck against FBS teams? Adding to the fiscal responsibility of the Paladins is that they didn’t even have to spend most of their payoff on flying the team across the country or putting them up in a hotel. Furman made a quick trip, played piñata for a few hours, then went right back home with a much heavier wallet. Having already attempted to take the thrill out of one of its division races in the first week of the season, the ACC is now set to kill all of the drama. Clemson and Florida State meet this week, with the winner facing little to no competition from the rest of the division the rest of the way.

9. South Carolina (defeated UAB 49-6) – The Palmetto State squeezes another team into the top-10 as South Carolina joins the party this week. The Gamecocks did so with an easy win over UAB. As someone who likes to spout off picks each week, I’d like to give a special thank you to the Blazers. While we’ve already covered the year-to-year ineptitude of teams like Eastern Michigan and Idaho, those pesky little teams in the Sun Belt and Conference USA have a bad habit of cycling through every couple of years and leaving you with a sure bet gone wrong when someone like Louisiana-Monroe ends up being a decent team. That isn’t the case with UAB. Nobody in my immediate circle of friends can remember the last time the Blazers weren’t awful.

10. USC (lost to Stanford 21-14) – I think that the pollsters have fallen in love with giving teams huge drops in the ratings. USC dropped from the consensus No. 2 all the way down to No. 13 in the newest AP poll. And why? It’s not like the Trojans lost to some awful team. The same goes for a team ranked in the high teens that takes a top-5 team to the wire before losing, then drops out of the next poll just because another mark went up in the loss column. A lot of people might knock this poll for keeping USC ahead of Stanford. I’ll admit its close, but the Song Girls break the tie. There are things in life besides football, Stanford.

11. Stanford (defeated No. 2 USC 21-14) – Of course, that whole “being good at football” thing does come in handy when trying to decide a football championship. I knocked the Cardinal pretty hard when they needed every last bit of their talent to hold off San Jose State in the opener. As a result, Stanford has spent the last two USELESS polls on the outside looking in, but now they’re back with a vengeance. Maybe Matt Barkley will petition the NCAA for a fifth year of eligibility so he can finally figure out a way to beat the Cardinal.

12. Notre Dame (defeated No. 9 Michigan State 20-3) – Notre Dame has had its share of decent teams over the last 15 years or so, but even the ones that shot up the rankings tended to be fatally flawed. Tyrone Willingham’s first couple of teams had six NFL players on defense, but couldn’t score to help them out. Charlie Weis’ teams had Brady Quinn and lots of other firepower, but got outscored thanks to a defense that couldn’t keep up with anything even resembling speed. This year, the Fighting Irish don’t have anybody that is particularly scary to opponents, but they do everything competently enough to be a very good team. They still have plenty of tough opponents left on the schedule, but Lou Holtz is out back gassing up the bandwagon as we speak.

13. Random Channels Showing Football Games (defeated alternative programming by 15 Neilson points) – The Noon kickoffs produced a bunch of unwatchable games this past week. The traditional channels like ESPN and ABC offered up only the Florida State massacre of Wake and Pittsburgh beginning to roll over Virginia Tech. Desperately in search of a close game, we found NBC Sports Network and the William & Mary at Towson game. Not only did it have one of the few competitive games, but it was in HD! The hell with fuel efficient cars and fixing the economy, we need more high-def FCS games at our viewing disposal. Ask not what college football can do for you…

14. TCU (defeated Kansas 20-6) – The Horned Frogs spent most of their afternoon trying to figure out a way to finally break through against Kansas. Hey everybody, remember that one fever dream of a season where Kansas was ranked third in the entire nation? What was that all about? The Jayhawks have kept the world from collapsing on itself due to its own ridiculousness now that they are back in the Big XII basement, but they are showing signs of life. I think that the key is returning to a morbidly obese coach. Mark Mangino had Kansas on the verge of greatness before he got canned and the in-shape Turner Gil made things even worse. Now, Charlie Weis has the Jayhawks fighting again.

15. Texas (defeated Ole Miss 66-31) – I think that Texas is really, really pissed off about not being nationally relevant during the last two seasons. The biggest problem for the Longhorns has been finding their next star quarterback. David Ash has finally emerged and put up the video game numbers last week to prove it. Ash went 19-of-23 for 326 yards and four touchdowns. I guess that Ole Miss was too busy putting eight in the box and readying itself for smashmouth SEC football to notice.

16. Kansas State (defeated North Texas 35-21) – With a few more upsets taking place over the weekend, Kansas State had an opening to take yet another big step up the USELESS Poll. But perhaps still exhausted from running every which way over Miami in Week 2, the Wildcats had to battle for a two-touchdown win over North Texas. It wasn’t a particularly bad showing. Kansas State never trailed in the game but when you can’t crush a team whose nickname is an agitated color, you aren’t going to move up in the rankings.

17. Michigan State (lost 20-3 to No. 18 Notre Dame) – It was another rough week for the Big Ten. Week 2 saw Wisconsin and Nebraska both go down in flames. Michigan State stepped to the forefront as the new favorite to roll through the conference, but was then thoroughly dominated by Notre Dame. I didn’t see the end of the game, but I think that the Spartans at least prevented the Irish from planting their flag on the MSU field.

18. Ohio State (defeated California 35-28) – So now the new frontrunner in the Big Ten isn’t even eligible to win it. Ohio State struggled with Cal for three and a half quarters, but looked like a big-time team when things mattered most. The Buckeyes should have a much easier time with UAB this week and will likely roll into their conference schedule with an undefeated record. Maybe we can get a repeat of last year’s Pac-12 South and send a .500 team to a BCS conference championship game in lieu of the ineligible Buckeyes.

19. UCLA (defeated Houston 37-6) – The Bruins continue to impress and – with USC’s conference loss – are now leading the way in their division. For most of the last decade, UCLA could barely buy a point. Now, the Bruins are lighting up scoreboards left and right. If they can keep up the good work in their Pac-12 opener against Oregon State this weekend, the foregone conclusion that USC would run away with the division will be very much in doubt.

20. Florida (defeated Tennessee 37-20) – Even though Tennessee has been circling the drain for a few years, winning seven straight games in a rivalry as fierce as Florida/Tennessee is a tall order. Jeff Driskel is finally starting to look like the quarterback he was supposed to be two years ago and Florida has assumed the spot as potential spoiler to either Georgia or South Carolina in the SEC East race. As for Tennessee fans, at least Lane Kiffin lost. So I guess they have that going for them.

21. Louisville (defeated North Carolina 39-34) – What is it with the Big East? I get that their teams haven’t been the best lately, but why does every team that gets to the top of the standings try so hard to throw it away as quickly as possible. Louisville is a very good team and I think that they’ll be able to handle other Big East squads, but the Cardinals did their best to blow a huge lead against incredibly mediocre North Carolina. Doesn’t the Big East get it? If you win the conference, you’ll probably get stomped in the BCS bowl, but at least you get to go to Miami or New Orleans instead of some third-rate trash bowl.

22. Michigan (defeated Massachusetts 63-13) – It has not been a warm welcome to the FBS for UMass. The Minutemen were widely picked among those who had enough spare time to rank all 124 FBS teams as the worst in the country heading into the season. Michigan seems to have regrouped after that ass-kicking it absorbed against Alabama, but Big Ten fans should be rooting against the Wolverines. The last thing that the conference needs is to send a team to a BCS bowl that has already been blown out by a team from another big-time conference.

23. Boise State (defeated Miami (OH) 39-12) – Also rebounding from an opening week loss are the Broncos. Boise put up a good fight against Michigan State in its first game, but it was clear that it just doesn’t have the firepower that made it such a threat over the last few years. The Broncos won’t put up the same ridiculous scores this year and have little to no shot at a big bowl game, but if they keep improving, another season of double-digit wins should be in line.

24. My Birthday (defeating every other day of the year, 365-0) – Technically, my birthday isn’t until after this upcoming weekend, but since Monday Night Football is still part of the football weekend (and since I make this poll), I’ll allow it. Even better, Georgia Southern plays at home during the week of my birthday for a fourth straight season, so I get to force dozens of my closest fellow tailgaters to sing to me before I go watch football. For those wishing to contribute to my birthday, I am registered at beer distributors and sports memorabilia shops throughout the country.

25. Virginia Tech (lost to Pittsburgh 35-17) – I’m still trying to figure out just what exactly happened to Virginia Tech. Maybe the Hokies looked at Pittsburgh’s embarrassing start to the season and didn’t give them any respect. Maybe they filled up on Primanti Brothers’ sandwiches before the game and couldn’t move. Either way, the only thing keeping VT in the poll this week is that this wasn’t a conference game. If the Hokies don’t shape up, Georgia Tech might sneak back into the chase for the conference title game.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Nebraska, Mississippi State, Northwestern, Baylor

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Arizona, Oregon State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.