USELESS Poll: Week 2

 

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

 

With so many upsets and close calls in college football this past week, you knew that there would be a shakeup in the rankings.

Ok, USELESS Poll, it’s your time to shine…

Here’s where the chips fell after last weekend.

1. Alabama (defeated Western Kentucky 35-0) – Did any of you hear Nick Saban fly off the handle during his midweek press conference. He was so genuinely confused and upset that others would dare to look past the (searches directory of team nicknames of obscure schools)… Hilltoppers that he took the opportunity to defend them. He did such a good job of talking about all of the dangerous weapons on WKU’s roster that I think early 1990s Lou Holtz started to blush. Way to take down those giants, Bama!

2. USC (defeated Syracuse 42-29) – Why in the world would any elite high school player not want to go play for USC? The Trojans are already treated like rock stars in their home town of Los Angeles, and things only get better when they hit the road. I was shocked when I saw that the Trojans’ game against Syracuse was a road game, but then I realized that it was at MetLife Stadium. When other Pac-12 schools get knocked in the polls, they blame east coast bias. When USC feels that way, they go across the country and set up shop right outside of New York City. Even Syracuse had to like the setup. I’m assuming that the western portion of upstate New York is already under seven feet of lake-effect snow.

3. LSU (defeated Washington 41-3) – For the first time all season, one of the three teams that have made up the very top spots of all three USELESS polls actually trailed in a game. Washington took the opening kickoff, marched down the field, then put one through the uprights to take a 3-0 advantage. I didn’t see the rest, but I would assume that the next 57 minutes of game time saw the Huskies continuously high-fiving themselves over the field goal while LSU players jogged into the end zone over and over. Until the Tigers get some better competition, I think that we should make things interesting and force all Tigers’ starters to eat five bowls of tailgate gumbo before kickoff.

4. Oregon (defeated Fresno State 42-29) – In its first two games, Oregon has scored 85 points in the first half against just 16 in the second half. My theory is that the Ducks possess such mind-boggling team speed that some of their second half touchdowns break through the time-space continuum and end up putting points on the board back in the first half. Oregon’s freshman QB looks like the real deal, but looses points for having a name that I can never remember. As a general rule, you don’t make your name more difficult to pronounce until you’ve had at least one All-American season and want to build up recognition (I’m looking at you, Tony Dorsett and Joe Theisman).

5. Florida State (defeated Savannah State 55-0) – Usually known for their free shoes and football roster criminal rate second to only Miami, Florida State gains poll points and a sportsmanship award for letting poor Savannah State off the hook. Not only did the Seminoles have most of the backups in before the end of the first half, but they agreed to call off the game after some lightning rolled through in the second half. During an afternoon slate of games that didn’t offer too many thrillers, I’d like to think that Vegas sportsbooks had a few dozen degenerate gamblers glued to the FSU-SSU weather delay to see if they’d get a chance to cash in on laying 70.5 points.

6. Oklahoma (defeated Florida A&M 69-13) – Nothing quite washes away the sour taste of an underwhelming Week 1 showing like beating the crap out of an FCS school. And not just any FCS school, but a MEAC school. That’s like the Mountain West of FCS conferences. Landry Jones’ two touchdowns and an interception still weren’t awe-inspiring, but you can get away with those numbers when you have five different guys rush for more than 50 yards.

7. West Virginia (did not play) – College football is funny. For the better part of a decade, the Big East has been universally criticized for turning out nothing but mediocre teams despite its stature as a BCS conference. That same timeframe saw West Virginia rise to prominence, yet it was still all they could do to beat out the occasional upstart Cincinnati or South Florida for the conference title. This year, the Mountaineers move into what has been arguably the second best conference in the nation for that same span of time, but WVU only figures to be the underdog in one or two games.

8. Georgia (defeated Missouri 41-20) – The final score sure looked pretty, but the new SEC East team on the block gave UGA all it could handle for three and a half quarters. The Bulldogs seem to have found a breakout star in freshman running back Todd Gurly, but that’s a tune UGA fans have sung before. Every year, some freshman running back bursts on the scene. Every year, that guy gets a lot of attention throughout the conference and is one of the biggest names heading into his sophomore season. And every year, that guy finds a way to fade away, due to either an injury, a particularly damning criminal charge, or falling victim to another good performance by a freshman and UGA fans tripping over themselves to declare the new guy the next Herschel Walker.

9. Michigan State (defeated Central Michigan 41-7) – A special thank you to the Chippewas for living down to my expectations of the directional Michigan schools that I pointed out last week. Every year, Eastern, Western and Central Michigan spend the first three or four weeks dutifully standing in as tackling dummies for some combination of Michigan, Michigan State and Ohio State. I’m not a big fan of playing pushover teams after the first week of the season, but the Spartans get a pass for taking on a Top-25 team in their opener.

10. Clemson (defeated Ball State 52-47) – The Tigers scored 32 points against the Fighting Football Cardinals in the second quarter alone. Do you realize how hard it is to score that many points in one quarter? Assuming that Clemson isn’t full of absolutely horrible people (perfectly debatable) that go four two after every touchdown, that’s at least five scoring drives in a 15-minute span. That’s tough to do even in video games. The only person that deserves more sympathy than Ball State fans (that means you, David Letterman) is the Clemson sports information director. The Tigers had nine different ball carriers and 12 different receivers catch a pass on the day. That probably took an extra 30 minutes to record while doing the final stats.

11. Online Pick’em Pools (thousands of irate comments) – I would venture a guess that more than a few smartphones were broken in anger over all of the upsets this weekend. Whether it’s a high-stakes confidence pool, a message board pick’em for chest-thumping privileges, or an illegal bookie that did the damage, I saw plenty of people shedding tears every time they checked the scoreboard and saw a team ranked somewhere between 5-20 on the ropes. Don’t worry guys, it’s only the second week. Besides, I’ve got tons of winners for this week. You can double your money. Trust me.

12. South Carolina (defeated East Carolina 48-10) – The Gamecocks are the big beneficiary of all of those upsets, jumping up four spots this week. South Carolina beat a not-totally-worthless East Carolina team in convincing fashion. The only downside from Saturday is that Connor Shaw was out with an injury and backup Dylan Thompson played a little too well when given the start. Thompson put up 330 passing yards and three touchdowns. I smell a team-deflating quarterback controversy. Plus, watching Thompson go, Spurrier got that crazy Wuerffel-gleam in his eyes.

13. Virginia Tech (defeated Austin Peay 42-7) – After taking down Georgia Tech in its opener, Virginia Tech can go through the final 10 weeks of the regular season with the constant game plan of “Just Don’t Screw This Up”. The Hokies have a clear road to the ACC championship team so long as they don’t get upset. VT’s offense has looked good so far, but they’ll need to keep things going in high gear if they hope to take down Florida State in what seems like an inevitable title game clash.

14. TCU (defeated Grambling State 56-0) – The television talking heads never cease to amuse the USELESS Poll. Back when the Horned Frogs were a dominant Mountain West team that could hang with any big-name programs in bowls, they would have been put through the ringer for playing a team like Grambling. It would have been “something that will cost them when the BCS bowls are looking at resumes”. Now that TCU is in the Big XII, playing cupcakes is just business as usual. Sure, the conference schedule is tougher now, but playing a crappy team is playing a crappy team, no matter what conference you belong to.

15. Texas (defeated New Mexico 45-0) – Texas didn’t have to put much thought into getting its second win, but any time you can shut out an FBS opponent, it’s a good thing. I always get New Mexico and New Mexico State confused. Which one is the Lobos and which is the Aggies (UNM is the Lobos, just so we’ve all got it straight). When it comes to college football, I’m not sure it really matters. At least New Mexico students are farther away from actual Mexico. Those kids in Las Cruces are less than 10 miles from the border. That has to make them about 1500% more likely to get killed by a drug cartel run amok.

16. Kansas State (defeated Miami (FL) 52-13) – This had to be the worst loss ever for anyone who was a Miami fan back in the glory days of the 80s and 90s. The Hurricanes have taken beatings from teams like Notre Dame and Penn State and Virginia Tech, but never has Miami been so humiliated by a team that stands for everything it doesn’t. The Wildcats play in the middle of nowhere, thousands of miles from a beach, and are about as dynamic and flashy as ‘Nilla Wafers. Old man Bill Snyder just made Billy Blades cry somewhere. That’s worth a few spots in the poll.

17. Ohio State (defeated Central Florida 31-16) – The Buckeyes look like they’re on pace to take USC’s spot as really good team that can’t technically win anything. Ohio State won’t go to any bowl games, but Urban Meyer seems like he’s already ahead of schedule. Of course, this could also backfire. So much early success will lead to increased expectations next season when OSU is eligible to win a title. This could bump up Meyer’s impending stress-stroke by one or two years.

18. Notre Dame (defeated Purdue 20-17) – Brace yourselves, nation. Notre Dame is 2-0. The Irish-loving is about to rain down upon you like so much Lou Holtz spittle. Notre Dame doesn’t look like world beaters yet, but Purdue is supposed to be a dark horse in the Big Ten. The Irish have plenty of monumental speed bumps on their schedule, but more wins will only add to the bandwagon. If ND pulls off the upset against Michigan State this week, we’re going to need to hire a lifeguard to make sure Mark May doesn’t drown.

19. Wisconsin (lost to Oregon State 10-7) – Where has the Wisconsin offense gone? Was Russell Wilson really THAT good? The Badgers just bludgeoned teams last year despite being a more conventional, power-based offense. Many key parts of that offense are back this season, but the scoring sure isn’t. To be fair, Oregon State pulls this sort of thing in Corvalis every couple of seasons. Still, it’s time for the Badgers to get their act together.

20. Sub-80 temperatures (defeating the relentless southern heat) – I don’t know about the rest of the country, but I want to tailgate without risking heat stroke. The first week of the season saw plenty of games taking place in near 90-degree temperatures. That’s not football. I don’t necessarily want more Ice Bowls either, but Week 2 finally took a step in the right direction. It’s fall (or at least it will be in about a week). When I show up to a tailgate I want to smell charcoal and barbeque instead of No Natz and sweat.

21. Louisville (defeated Missouri State 35-7) – The Cardinals continued to do their best to make sure that at least one Big East team is somewhat relevant. Louisville deserves this. Not only did they have to put up with having Bobby Petrino as a coach, but they were also upset in the few years that they were high up in the rankings without him. The rest of the conference needs to just lay down for its own good. Louisville won’t beat any of those teams at the top, but they can at least put up a fight in a big bowl game. Don’t mess around and have someone like Rutgers accidentally win the league and get everyone humiliated in January.

22. UCLA (defeated No. 13 Nebraska 36-30) – Rick Neuheisal was right about UCLA getting back into the national discussion. All he had to do was get out of the way first. The Bruins have exploded for 85 points in their first two games and look like they could be the second best team in the Pac-12 South. There really isn’t a reason why UCLA shouldn’t be good. They play in a much better part of Los Angeles than USC. It’s Pasadena. They play in the Rose Bowl. If they could get just the chump change of the Beverly Hills residents that live close to campus, the athletics budget could soar and the Bruins could lie, cheat and steal at a Top-10 level.

23. Florida (defeated Texas A&M 20-17) – I have watched every game that SEC East teams have played this season. I cannot, with a good conscience, say that there are four Top-25 teams in that division. Georgia and South Carolina are loaded on talent, but I’m still on the fence about Florida and Tennessee. Florida gets the nod this week, but the two could easily switch places after their matchup this week. The Gators still look like an incredibly flawed team. Texas A&M isn’t bad, but they certainly won’t be confused for a world-beater anytime soon. Florida needed every bit of execution it could muster just to scrape by.

24. Arizona (defeated No. 14 Oklahoma State 59-38) – Bobby Petrino’s slightly less despicable cousin Rich Rodriguez is back to his old tricks again out in Arizona – the majority of those tricks being to turn a blind eye to defense while scoring so many points that you don’t have to worry about it. The Wildcats took on the Cowboys and out-gunslung them up and down the field. Arizona might give an already strong Pac-12 even more quality. Plus, the campus is rife with porn star and shirtless Gronkowski sightings. There’s something for everybody!

25. Arkansas (lost to Louisiana-Monroe 34-31) – A word of advice for big name college football teams… If you find yourself near the top of the rankings, you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT lose to a team with a hyphenated name. It’s just bad form. I rated the Razorbacks lower than most in the first two polls because I refused to accept the opinions of some (highly stupid) people that one division from one conference could house three of the best five teams in the country. There’s little doubt now how misguided that high ranking was for some other polls. I don’t care how hurt your quarterback is or how much your former head coach stole the headlines during the offseason. You just can’t lose to a team that half of the country has never heard of.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Tennessee, BYU, Boise State, Nebraska

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Stanford, Michigan, Oregon State

 

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you feel should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.