USELESS Poll - Week 1

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

So sit back, grab a drink, and enjoy this week’s top teams…

1. Alabama (defeated No. 9 Michigan 41-14) – The reason for the Tide’s top ranking remains simple. They’re the defending champs, so they won’t budge from here until someone takes them down on the field. Of course, the method in which they kept that winning streak alive was pretty impressive. Alabama absolutely steam-rolled a Michigan squad that, for some reason, was a top-10 team. I get that Denard Robinson is an exciting player and all, but shouldn’t you have to have, I dunno… ANY OTHER OFFENSIVE THREATS to qualify as a good team? Needless to say, that wasn’t much of a test for Bama.

2. USC (defeated Hawaii 49-10) – After a long six-hour flight across the Pacific, what better way to enjoy the beautiful scenery of Los Angeles than by having your head unceremoniously bashed in by USC? Matt Barkley tossed a 75-yard touchdown on the very first play of the season en route to 372 passing yards and four touchdowns. The Trojans also scored on the first play of the second quarter. Perhaps feeling just the slightest twinge of guilt, Barkley held back his troops and waited until the second play of the fourth quarter to put up their seventh touchdown. I think it’s safe to say that Barkley is the Heisman frontrunner.

3. LSU (defeated North Texas 41-14) – Kudos to LSU for at least staying in the FBS for its annual season-opening mud stomping of a cupcake. Those tiny, insignificant Louisiana schools had enough to worry about with the hurricane earlier in the week anyways. The Tigers’ defense looked every bit as good as advertised and with this season’s discovery of the forward pass, LSU shouldn’t have much trouble until the middle of its schedule. The only downside to Week 1 was that the blowout win prevented LSU from executing critical offensive concepts such as “Let Les Miles talk us into going for it on 4^th and 30”.

4. Oregon (defeated Arkansas St. 57-34) – Why in the hell did Arkansas St. go all that way to get pummeled? There are plenty of SEC and Big XII teams within a few hours drive that could have done that for them with half of the hassle. My guess is that there was a campus-wide pot shortage and the football team was elected as ambassadors to our hemp-scented brothers of the northwest. Considering that Oregon led 50-7 in the second quarter, I think that some of the players may have broken into the stash a bit early.

5. Oklahoma (defeated UTEP 24-7) – I’ve got to hand it to the Sooners. After a long, sweltering Oklahoma summer, they were able to show up to Week 1 in midseason form. That is to say, incredibly underwhelming. No team has mastered deflating their fan base in the opening weeks of the season quite like the Sooners. A few years ago, they broke their Heisman shoe-in quarterback in a Week 1 upset loss. This past week, they waited until the fourth quarter to get their lead up over three points. The only reason they’re still ranked this high is because I don’t want to admit that putting them fourth in the preseason poll might have been a horrible mistake.

6. Florida St. (defeated Murray St. 69-3) – The only thing keeping Florida St. out of my top-5 was their decision to play an FCS team in their opening game. Unless you’re a struggling FBS team that needs a win to get your fans excited, playing an FCS school first is a cop-out. But if you’re going to do it, at least do it well. The Seminoles passed that test with flying colors. If FSU can start doing this against FBS schools, they’ll soon be passing other teams on this poll instead of the intentionally blank spots.

7. West Virginia (defeated Marshall 69-34) – Remember that touching scene in “We Are Marshall” where West Virginia opened up its doors and playbook to help Matthew McConaughey get his rag-tag Thundering Herd back in the game? Where is that mercy? Where is that brotherhood? I think that Marshall should be demoted back to the FCS after that showing. If Marshall hadn’t broken through for 24 second half points against the Mountaineers’ backups, I would have had no choice but to make an entirely inappropriate and tasteless plane crash joke.

8. Georgia (defeated Buffalo 45-23) – Georgia gets some credit for turning on the afterburners and running away from Buffalo in the second half. The Bulldogs get even more credit for managing to get through the game and the after party without any more players getting arrested. UGA will get a much tougher test this week when they hit the road to give Missouri its first SEC challenge. I haven’t checked the police report yet, but I think that everyone is still eligible.

9. Michigan St. (defeated No. 7 Boise St. 17-13) – If the Spartans’ defense keeps this up, it’s going to be a long year for the rest of the Big 10. Even with Kellen Moore’s departure, Boise St. is supposed to have another very formidable offense. Michigan St. totally shut down the Broncos and the only BSU touchdown came via interception return. As a general rule, it’s always a good game plan to have one of your running backs outgain your opponent’s entire offense.

10. Wisconsin (defeated Northern Iowa 26-21) – The Badgers led 26-7 in the fourth quarter and Northern Iowa is a very good team, but neither of those facts is a good enough excuse for why this game was so close. Wisconsin’s defense was stellar for most of the day and Danny O’Brien’s two passing touchdowns proved that pillaging the ACC for quarterbacks is a viable strategy. The biggest disappointment on the day was Montee Ball, who rushed for over 100 yards, but needed 32 carries to do it.

11. Arkansas (defeated Jacksonville St. 49-24) – The Razorbacks may have taken the easy road to 1-0 by scheduling an FCS school, but at least they shut down an SEC running back. Former UGA running back Washaun Ealey was held to nine yards on four carries before being knocked out of the game. For all of the turmoil that Arkansas went through this offseason, Saturday’s win was an important first step. I say that this calls for a celebration. Motorcycle rides and former student athlete assistants for everyone!

12. Clemson (defeated Auburn 26-19) – Who was that team playing Auburn on Saturday, and what did they do with the Clemson that we all know? Never one to miss an opportunity to let its fans down, this year’s Tigers looked like they’d get an early start to their routine. Not only did Clemson snag a preseason top-15 rating, but they drew an SEC opponent in a nationally televised game for their opener. Things looked like they would unravel as usual beginning with the suspension of Sammy Watkins, but the Tigers somehow managed to pull off the win and look like a quality team in the process. Maybe this is a new Clemson… Or maybe they’re just preparing for an even more epic letdown than usual.

13. Nebraska (defeated Southern Miss 49-20) – If there is going to be a dark horse that crashes the national championship discussion, Nebraska looks like a perfect fit. They have a schedule that is easy enough to run the table with, yet just enough tough games to build up respect. The defense has gotten consistently better and Taylor Martinez is one of the most dangerous dual threat quarterbacks in the country despite falling off the radar of many talking heads a couple of years ago. The key is getting running back Rex Burkhead healthy. It’s not just that he’s a good running back, but he’s a good white running back. That’s like finding an 11-leaf clover. It has to be worth some bonus BCS points late in the season.

14. Oklahoma State (defeated Savannah State 84-0) – Obviously, Oklahoma State has some lingering anger issues about being left out of the national championship game last season. I can’t think of any other reason why the Cowboys would have dragged Savannah State halfway across the country just to beat them into a bloody pulp. Saturday’s game set a record for largest point spread ever put on a college football game at 67.5 points. And Okie St. covered… by more than two touchdowns. I know that SSU got a nice payday for their trouble, but is the money really worth that kind of punishment and embarrassment? The sad part is that Savannah might get beaten even worse this week against Florida St. At least this time they can make it back home before midnight.

15. The boston butt at my tailgate (defeated meals from the previous week 100-0) – Being a fat kid who loves good food, I’m always one to pay attention to any chance to combine any sort of celebration with the consumption of dead animals. But this summer was a crazy one. Between a trip to Vegas, a job transition for my girlfriend, and doctor’s bills for me and my girlfriend, there wasn’t a whole lot of cash left to spend on quality summer grilling. Needless to say, when I saw a handful of boston butts lining the grill at my tailgate this weekend, I was overjoyed. And they didn’t disappoint. They were as good as you could imagine, and the fact that I could wash it down with copious amounts of beer and Georgia Southern football made it even better.

16. South Carolina (defeated Vanderbilt 17-13) – I’ve been around football for a long time. Being an offensive-minded person, I’ve debated every scheme and plan that could possibly work out. When I was in school, more than a few boring lectures had their notes replaced with a few pages of freshly drawn up plays. That said, I’ve never seen an offensive plan of attack that involved turning the ball over twice in your first three plays of the year. But that’s exactly what South Carolina did and damned if it didn’t (just barely) work out. By the end of the night, the Gamecocks finally found an offensive strategy that actually allowed them to score points, but I’m not sure how viable the plan is, since it involves having Connor Shaw sacrifice a shoulder and he only has one healthy shoulder left after the first week.

17. Virginia Tech (defeated Georgia Tech 20-17 in overtime) – For the last however many years (I’m writing this at 2 a.m. and don’t feel like looking it up) the ACC’s Coastal Division championship has boiled down to Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech. Every year, there are huge implications hinging on their meeting and every year the two schools play a great game. So will someone please explain why the game was moved to the first week of the season? What a waste of a perfectly good potential Thursday night in late October. Kudos to the Hokies for finding a way to win, but when the division only has one marquee matchup per year, the conference is out of its mind wasting that publicity 72 hours into the season.

18. TCU (did not play) – The Horned Frogs jump up a spot from their position in my preseason rankings. By sitting on the couch and choosing to watch other Texas teams sweat it out on an absurdly hot Saturday afternoon, TCU proved that it is definitely a smart team.

19. Texas (defeated Wyoming 37-17) – After a couple of disappointing seasons, Texas got 2012 off to a good start with a convincing win over what my sources tell me is an actual FBS school. Seriously, how do coaches from Wyoming recruit you to spend four years of your life there? I’m sure that it looks nice and all, but I can’t imagine that there are any other states with flagship universities that – despite their stature – are still hours away from any other form of civilization. My theory is that the University of Wyoming used to be in the center of a bustling metropolis, but millions were driven away when they saw the Cowboys’ uniforms.

20. Notre Dame (defeated Navy 50-10) – For the first time in what seems like forever, Notre Dame absolutely demolished an opponent. Sure, it was only Navy, but for a team that has had a recent rash of losses to teams that it wouldn’t have even considered lowering itself to play against 10 years ago, I guess you’ll take it. The best part about ND’s win was that the Irish were actually in Ireland. It’s always amused me to see how upset people get about Notre Dame always being on television. I say that the football team should move to Ireland. Not only would we get to start half of our college football Saturday’s three hours earlier with the 9 a.m. kickoffs, but the Irish would be the ONLY viewing option for all of those disgruntled fans whose teams can’t get their own TV contract. It’s a win-win.

21. Kansas State in the 4^th quarter (defeated Missouri St. 51-9) – Somebody must have given Kansas St. the wrong kickoff time for its season opener. That final score looks nice, but the game was tied at 9-9 midway through the third quarter before the Wildcats ripped off the game’s final 42. If the Wildcats from the final 20 minutes of play show up, they’re Big XII contenders. If those guys from the first half try to play in conference games, things will get ugly.

22. Ohio State (defeated Miami (OH) 56-10) – The Buckeyes really have an advantage when it comes to getting easy early victories. The state of Ohio is so full of cupcakes that it should get checked for diabetes. Teams like Akron, Toledo, Miami, and post-Brian Kelly Cincinnati are not only easy victims for Ohio State, but there are so many of them that they can cycle through every few years without one team getting tired of being a punching bag. Honorable mentions for states with a bunch of crap teams that make for early Ws include Louisiana, most of the American Southwest, and the triumvirate of directional Michigan schools.

23. Louisville (defeated Kentucky 32-14) – The only thing better than starting off the season with a win is to do so at the expense of a rival. Usually, this game is great for doing some drunk hillbilly spotting. It’s a perfect storm of two teams that are bitter rivals, a nationally televised game (since they’re about the only game that’s ever on the Sunday before Labor Day), and the fact that neither team is usually a threat to accomplish anything greater than winning their rivalry matchup. Louisville has bigger and better aspirations this season, but if they can pursue those goals and still inspire irate ramblings on a UK message board, then more power to them.

24. Michigan (lost to No. 1 Alabama 41-14) – The Wolverines don’t deserve to be in this poll. The only reason they’re here is that I felt it was necessary to rub that score in their stupidly-helmeted faces one more time. Not only did Michigan get stomped, but they also managed to lose their best defender for the season and get their quarterback – who is apparently a Faberge egg – injured. If the Fightin’ Hugh Jackmans don’t turn it around quickly, they might not see their names up here for a while.

25. Ohio (defeated No. 25 Penn State 24-14) – GOOD: You’re a senior-laden team with tons of previous success and experience. BETTER: You storm into Happy Valley and ruin Penn State's attempt to come together and show that their proud football tradition will persevere. BEST: You do it with decals for child abuse awareness on your helmets.

Teams that are good, but just missed the Top 25: South Florida, Louisiana Tech, North Carolina, BYU

Teams that are probably top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Florida, Boise State, Stanford

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you feel should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.