USELESS Poll: Week 9

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

It’s amazing how some teams can respond when backed into a corner. A couple of those teams came through in the national spotlight and are getting much more respect this week. Georgia seemed like an SEC afterthought after being blown out, but now controls its destiny and is through the toughest part of its schedule. Notre Dame still hasn’t lost, but was predicted by most to be crushed by Oklahoma. In both cases, the teams circled the wagons and have come out the other side of the storm looking much stronger.

But the same can’t be said for a few other USELESS Poll inhabitants. A handful of the 12 teams that entered last week unbeaten are no longer in that position and many of them are paying the price in the rankings.

1. Alabama (defeated No. 16 Mississippi State 38-7) – Not much surprise here. For weeks, MSU had been rising up the rankings thanks in large part to never having to play a challenging game. Alabama has also lacked an opponent of equal skill, but that’s because there are only a few teams in the entire country that can hang with the Tide. Once again, Alabama welcomed the challenge from a supposedly competent team, only to laugh them off of the field.

2. Oregon (defeated Colorado 70-14) – Anyone foolish enough to show up two minutes into Oregon’s game missed the first couple of touchdowns for the Ducks. To Colorado’s credit, it was able to erase the deficit caused by those first couple of scores… but only in the second half… and only after Oregon had scored an additional 42 points. The sad part is that – for as bad as the Buffaloes are – they might have neglected utilizing the best weapon at their disposal. Colorado had their mascot Ralphie just sitting around while the Ducks ran wild. Now, Ralphie doesn’t appear to have enough lateral movement to slow down the quick RB cuts coming down the line, but just one free run at the quarterback on a pass rush is probably all that a 2,000-pound buffalo would require in order to be a game-changer.

3. Notre Dame (defeated No. 8 Oklahoma 30-13) – Right around the time the Fighting Irish kicked a field goal to take a nearly insurmountable 23-13 lead late in the fourth quarter, the vacuum created by the majority of sports talking heads shutting up about ND all at once was rivaled only by the intense low pressure storm that is about to kill everybody in the northeast. Notre Dame’s calling card all season has been defense. The Irish were playing a Sooner squad that had looked like a really good offense in just a third of their games – and against much less imposing defenses. Why was Oklahoma just supposed to blow ND out of the water? Notre Dame is who lots of people think they are. They’re going to power rush the ball 50 times per game and make some dumb plays, but they’re also probably going to find the end zone twice. With that defense, you don’t need much more, no matter the opponent.

4. Kansas State (defeated No. 15 Texas Tech 55-24) – The only thing keeping Notre Dame ranked above the Wildcats for another week is that KSU beat a slightly lower-ranked team. Other than that, there is nothing but love for Kansas State. The Wildcats have put up some good showings on the road, but are at a whole other level when they get to play in Manhattan. To Texas Tech’s credit, it was able to hang around for a half, but Colin Klein – who now has to be leading in the hunt for the Heisman – and his offense were just too much to overcome. Kansas State can make things happen on both sides of the ball. If that continues, a move upwards in next week’s poll is possible.

5. LSU (did not play) – The Bayou Bengals get back into the top-5 due to Florida’s loss. LSU really has Florida to thank for much of its good fortune over the last three weeks. After losing to the Gators, LSU took a pretty big tumble in the poll. Because Florida still wasn’t all that highly regarded, the Tigers probably took a little too much of a hit, but started to rise as UF proved to be a legitimate contender. By the time the Gators finally got around to losing, LSU was in position to get back to the top level of the rankings. Of course, that could be short lived. Alabama is next up for LSU, which is going to need every extra minute of that bye week to prepare for the Tide’s onslaught.

6. Florida State (defeated Duke 48-7) – In a critical midseason matchup that could have been a precursor to December’s ACC championship game, Florida State got a big win against… Duke? Really, ACC? That’s what half of your conference is producing nowadays? The Blue Devils are a nice turnaround story and all, but they just qualified for their first bowl since 1994. I think that Duke actually being a national power is still a little ways off. But Florida State can only beat the teams in its conference and on its schedule. With so many other losses from top-10 teams last week, the Noles come storming back in the rankings.

7. Georgia (defeated No. 3 Florida 17-9) – It wasn’t the prettiest thing ever, but the Bulldogs got the job done when they had to. The Bulldogs turned it over in the first half alone, but the same defense that had been criticized for a month came up huge and never let the Gators sniff the goal line. For all of the heckling and hot set rumors that UGA has endured, it now has a clear path to the SEC title game.

8. Florida (lost to No. 14 Georgia 17-9) – Come on Florida. What happened there. You were supposed to have gotten through the toughest part of your schedule. The Gators shocked most of the country with their win over LSU and thoroughly dismantled a South Carolina squad that was ranked No. 3. All that was left to clinch the SEC East was a win over UGA – a good team, to be sure, but also one that has built up a bad habit of losing big games in Jacksonville. Jeff Driskel has spent most of the season elevating his stock, but he came crashing back to Earth last weekend as he and the offense were struggling to gain even first downs when they weren’t busy getting hurt.

9. Ohio State (defeated Penn State 35-23) – The USELESS Poll tried to keep bowl-ineligible teams out of the top-10. It really did. But when it came down to it, we felt that going against our previously stated morals was less damaging to our reputation than to call any of the highly-touted two-loss teams out there worthy of this week’s top-10. Braxton Miller looked great a week after his skull tried out for the OSU basketball team and the Buckeyes get a lot of credit for winning on the road. Sanctions or no sanctions, winning a night game during a white-out at Penn State is no easy chore.

10. Clemson (defeated Wake Forest 42-13) – The Tigers did their part to keep their hopes of winning the division alive. Tajh Boyd continues to impress and might get into the Heisman race before all is said and done. Clemson’s problem is that it is the only team (upsets by crappy schools like N.C. State aside) that can keep up with Florida State. Usually, conferences have enough dangerous teams that losing the head-to-head with a team early in the year isn’t an automatic death sentence. That just isn’t the case in the ACC. Clemson and FSU are the only good teams in their division and when Duke is the best thing that the other half can throw at you, things start looking grim for the Tigers.

11. Marcus Lattimore’s right knee (lost to Eric Gordon, 2 knees to 1) – In the annals of history, South Carolina fans will remember three things: the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and Marcus Lattimore doing his best QWOP impression in the middle of last week’s game. There are bad injuries, there are devastating injuries, and then there is what happened to this poor guy. The silver lining in this is that he has shown improvement in breaking the hearts of his fan base. Anybody can accidentally get his knee rolled up on and be lost for the season like Lattimore did last year. It takes a true champion to come the whole way back and then go for a highlight reel exploding leg trick.

12. Oregon State (lost to Washington 20-17) – Seattle has been a house of horrors for Pac-12 teams so far this season. Washington isn’t threatening to be a contender in the conference standings and an early 41-3 loss to LSU probably put the Huskies too far under the radar for anyone to pay them much attention, but they used that unassuming profile to notch their second hope upset of a top-10 team this season. Oregon State played a solid game, but much like Stanford – UW’s other upset victim – was just never able to get any offense going. Regardless of the setback, the Beavers can still win our and put themselves in position to get to the conference championship game heading into the last game of the regular season against Oregon.

13. Texas A&M (defeated Auburn 63-21) – A week after a heartbreaking come from ahead defeat against LSU, the Aggies took out some frustration on utterly hopeless Auburn. Stop us if we’re wrong, but didn’t the Tigers win a national championship about 20 months ago? There’s always going to be some drop off after a magical run like the one the Tigers had, but this is just getting ridiculous. Auburn is one blocked field goal against Louisiana-Monroe in overtime away from entering November without a win. The powers that be at Auburn should do Chizik a favor and run him out of town before he gets poisoned with Spike 80DF and TP him.

14. Louisville (defeated Cincinnati 34-31 in OT) – The USELESS Poll is officially throwing in the towel on criticizing Louisville. For over two months, we have recognized the Cardinals’ talent and preseason ranking, but have been driven insane by their absolute refusal to ever dominate or pull away from any opponent. On Friday night, it looked like Louisville was going to get burned after playing with fire too many times. Facing a Cincinnati team that was looking to earn back some recognition after losing its own perfect season the week before, the Cardinals were awful in the first half and fell behind by 10 points on two separate occasions. Then, in typical Cardinal fashion, they rallied to force overtime and won once again. Kudos, Louisville. You just keep on keepin’ on.

15. Oklahoma (Lost to No. 4 Notre Dame 30-13) – The Sooners are used to taking a lot of heat from the national media for folding in big games, but now they’ve brought on a whole new monster. Usually, it’s just the ESPN analysts talking about how OU isn’t feared anymore and how its defense isn’t what it used to be. Now, the Sooners have brought on the wrath of millions of message board warriors who were chomping at the bit to lay it on Notre Dame when they were finally outclassed by a prominent power. Lots of fan bases would have gotten tired of Bob Stoops’ diminishing returns and gone a different direction by now. Then again, it’s entirely possible that there are no TVs or other forms of technology in Norman, OK and everyone is blissfully unaware that their team is getting laughed at harder and harder after each loss against a ranked team.

16. USC (lost to Arizona 39-36) – Much like Louisville, there are plenty of reasons that everyone should just take a step back and stop trying to figure out exactly what USC is. No matter how many times the Trojans let a lesser team hang around or how many times the offense doesn’t go nuts on teams with their great skill players, there will always be people swearing that they are about to turn a corner. There’s no telling why USC isn’t better than a two-loss team, but this is a great argument for not publishing the first top-25 lists until three or four weeks into the season. You couldn’t have found anybody that wouldn’t have put the Trojans in their preseason top-25, but even before the losses started piling up, it was clear that they weren’t quite the elite team that everyone expected.

17. Stanford (defeated Washington State 24-17) – Now that the Cardinal have two losses, they’ll be off the radar and out of the national scope, which is right where they want to be. Stanford may have disappointed some of its fans when they shot up the polls into the top-10, then lost twice in four weeks. But there is absolutely no shame in what the Cardinal are doing right now. How many other teams would be in the top-20 a year after losing their starting quarterback (who was the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft), one of the top offensive linemen in the country, and a tight end that is already becoming a dependable NFL target? Most teams would be happy to just make it back to a bowl after losing all of that. We’re sure that Auburn would love only two losses right about now.

18. Boise State (defeated Wyoming 45-14) – Don’t look now, but the taking-names-and-kicking-ass version of Boise State might be back. The Broncos spent the first couple of months of the season struggling against some pretty mundane competition, but they have been slowly and surely making their way back towards the constant poundings that they have become famous for. Wins of 20 or more points in three of their last four games are making the Broncos look like a team that can crash the top-10 once again.

19. Nebraska (defeated Michigan 23-9) – Now that Rutgers and Cincinnati have lost, the Big Ten is about to replace the Big East as the BCS conference that only gains a second team in this poll out of charity. Not that the Cornhuskers haven’t performed well, but who wouldn’t against the Big Ten this season? It’s pretty sad when your top two teams aren’t even eligible for the postseason. On the other hand, maybe it’s just a cyclical thing. The Big Ten has often been criticized for unentertaining basketball, but the preseason All-American list has three players from the conference.

20. UCLA (defeated Arizona State 45-43) – The Bruins become the latest in the line of schools to earn the title of “fourth or fifth best team in the Pac-12 that should really get into the rankings because of last week’s big win.” UCLA is picking the right time to get hot. With USC dropping another game, the Arizona schools taking turns getting hot and cold and Colorado a week-to-week decision on whether or not it even wants to play football, the Bruins have a chance to sneak into the South division race. Finishing second in the division is the best option though. It will still give the team a good bowl game without suffering the indignity of being undressed by Oregon.

21. West Virginia (did not play) – The Mountaineers still haven’t won a game since early October, but time is healing the wounds. Well… time, and the fact that the two schools that have beaten WVU are pretty good in their own right. The ‘Eers have suffered two humiliating losses, but the ridiculousness of their offense throughout their first five games gives them one more chance. TCU will pose another tough challenge, but it’s time for West Virginia to put up or shut up.

22. Shameless gluttony (defeats healthy living by 10-20 pounds) – The last eight or so weeks have been great for college football fans. No matter what kind of diet or workout plan you’re on, it’s a well known fact that calories consumed at football tailgates don’t actually count. The only drawback to this is that those tailgating opportunities only happen at home games. But fear not. This week marks the beginning of the best three months of every fat kid’s year. Halloween is upon us, allowing for weeks of random candy indulgence. After that, it’s Thanksgiving, which requires a week of testing recipes. Thanksgiving is a 48-hour event that leads to another week of leftover goodness. From there, it’s all cookies and spiked egg nog until Christmas, a few days of sobering up, and then a booze-filled New Year’s free-for-all. Anyone that doesn’t gain 15 pounds isn’t doing the holidays right.

23. Rutgers (lost to Kent State 35-23) – So much for that late November showdown with Louisville. While that game could very well decide which Big East team moves on to a BCS game, it just won’t have the necessary flair without both teams being undefeated. All season, the Scarlet Knights have been the consistent team while Louisville flirted with disaster. But that’s just college football. Just when Rutgers has proven itself to be the stable force in the conference, it craps the bed and loses all of its national attention.

24. South Carolina (defeated Tennessee 38-35) – For a quarter and a half, things were going pretty well for South Carolina against Tennessee. The Gamecocks had a seven-point lead and were driving for another score before halftime. Right about then, Marcus Lattimore’s knee ligaments decided to take their ball and go home. To their credit, the Gamecocks were able to shake off the injury of their star and win the game, but it’s glaringly obvious that they just aren’t the same team without Lattimore. The Gamecocks have struggled to score even with Lattimore at times. Carolina is just lucky that it has already played all of the teams that could lay the wood on it since there is no more running game to fear.

25. Mississippi State (lost to No. 1 Alabama 38-7) – Don’t say that the USELESS Poll didn’t warn you, America. For weeks, we’ve cautioned that the Bulldogs probably didn’t deserve whatever ranking that they currently held. MSU simply hadn’t faced anything even resembling top-notch competition and was utterly clueless as to how to handle a force like the Crimson Tide. Mississippi State still has legitimate teams like Texas A&M and LSU on the schedule to show what it can do, but Bulldog fans shouldn’t get their hopes up.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northwestern, Arizona, Oklahoma State

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Louisiana Tech, Toledo

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.