USELESS Poll: Week 13

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

We’ve made it through 13 weeks of action and finally have one of the two teams that will play for a national title. As for the second team, it’s down to a de facto national semifinal in the SEC Championship game.

Personally, we’re a little disappointed at how things have shaken out. Nothing against the three teams that are in the mix – they’re all very good and deserving. But wouldn’t this be much more fun if we could take the top 8 (all of whom can win any game on any given day) and let them duke it out for the next month or so?

This Saturday’s SEC championship game and the national title game should be good ones, but we’d still like to dream of the day when there are a half dozen of these elite matchups at the end of each year instead of just one or two.

1. Notre Dame (defeated USC 22-13) – Many of the Notre Dame doubters spent the week trying to convince the nation (or maybe just themselves) that USC had tons of threats even without Matt Barkley and even that backup quarterback Max Wittick was just as capable of leading the Trojans to victory. Maybe those people are just that deep in denial or maybe they’re just not all that bright. The Irish defense – regardless of any NFL talent on an opposing offense – is just nasty. Only three teams on Notre Dame’s schedule have reached the end zone more than once. Manti Te’o came up with another interception and plenty of big plays, just as he has all season. The offense continues to do enough to win and not totally screw things up. It’s like watching the 2000 Oklahoma Sooners all over again. Kudos to the Irish. They’re just one win away from a champioinship.

2. Alabama (defeated Auburn 49-0) – We could have sworn that the SEC’s designated slot for FCS opponents was a couple of weeks ago. And yet, there was Alabama just last weekend lining up and playing a team that could hardly cross midfield, much less put up some competition. Give credit to the Crimson Tide. Their national title hopes looked pretty bleak after that loss to Texas A&M, but the Tide kept rolling, a few breaks went their way, and now they’re right back in the game.

3. Oregon (defeated No. 17 Oregon State 48-24) – And now, we present the strongest case for a playoff. Sure, there is one on the way, but it’s already way past due and yet another team is left out in the cold because of a crappy system. Where Alabama caught all of the breaks necessary to get back in the game after its loss, the Ducks weren’t as fortunate. Oregon looked like its usual self in piling up 48 points against a very good Beaver defense, but was shut out of its conference title game. Alabama actually benefitted by losing to a team that finished third in its division while the Ducks were punished for losing to a team that – had Oregon gone undefeated – would have finished second. It’s a raw deal for Oregon, but a team that could take down at least 99 percent of the FBS squads will have to hope that it will get an at large BCS bid. If not, say hello to the Alamo Bowl.

4. Georgia (defeated Georgia Tech 42-10) – The Bulldogs’ schedule – or lack thereof – has been a constant talking point throughout the season on this poll. But give Georgia credit. It lost early enough in the year to recover and has won every other game, which is tough to do no matter who you play. Georgia can punch its ticket to the national championship game with a win this week, but will have to get through its first real challenge since October as Alabama awaits. Aaron Murray has been one of the most efficient quarterbacks in the country, thanks in large part to a running game that keeps most defenses lunging forward at the snap. Alabama will be up to that challenge, so it will be on Murray to get the job done against a defense that won’t be scared of the run.

5. Florida (defeated No. 10 Florida State 37-26) - For as badly as Arkansas was overrated coming into the season. Fellow conference member Florida was criminally underrated. The Gators had some lowlights, to be sure. The Georgia game was sloppy and 7-point wins over Missouri and Louisiana-Lafayette are nothing to brag about, but when the Gators are clicking, it’s easy to see how they pushed as high as No. 2 in some polls. Florida has no shot at the national title, but for a team that was projected by some to finish fourth in the SEC East, the high-profile New Year’s bowl game that the Gators are heading for has got to be a huge accomplishment.

6. Ohio State (defeated Michigan 26-21) – It will be interesting to look back on this season in 50 years for many reasons. Mostly, the USELESS Poll hopes that it will be interesting because we’ll have to brush aside the naked ladies and confidential sports betting accounts on our HUD glasses while researching the archaic 2012 files, but also because this could be just an interesting black mark on the soon-to-come dominance of Ohio State. Urban Meyer was expected to improve the Buckeyes when he accepted the job. Many thought that he could bring them back to the top of the national stage. ABSOLUTELY NOBODY thought that he’d be able to do it in his first year while ineligible for the postseason and while suffering from scholarship reductions. If this is Ohio State in its crippled state, then God help the Big Ten for the next decade.

7. Stanford (defeated No. 14 UCLA 35-17) – As if the upset win over Oregon two weeks ago wasn’t bad enough, the Cardinal grabbed a big handful of duck poop and rubbed it in Oregon’s wounds as they railroaded UCLA to clinch the Pac-12 North and squash the Ducks’ national (and conference) championship hopes. It’s a bit disappointing that the win over the Bruins was so one-sided as we get the rare opportunity to see two football teams play each other two weeks in a row since they’ll meet on Saturday in the Pac-12 title game. Maybe UCLA will have a better game plan this time around, but the Cardinal seem determined to end the season with a Rose Bowl victory.

8. LSU (defeated Arkansas 20-13) – The Tigers were thoroughly outplayed for more than half of their game against Arkansas, but still found a way to win. But that can be excused. For all of the teams that have played some questionable games or suffered devastating losses in this year’s acid trip of an SEC season, LSU is the one team that really hasn’t played a bad game. Florida played basically a perfect game to beat the Tigers and LSU showed all kinds of fight in battling back against Alabama, only to let things slip away in the final minute. Despite having three SEC teams ranked above it and dropping five spots over the course of the season, LSU has been consistent. We applaud the Tigers for that, but losses will still hurt you, even if they were coin-flip games.

9. Kansas State (did not play) – The only thing worse than gagging away a clear path to the national championship game is having an entire week without another game to think about it. Of course, the Wildcats still have one more regular season game coming up this week which brings about an equally troubling prospect of having to spend a lonely holiday weekend in Manhattan, Kansas. Then again, if any of the K-State players tagged along with their coach on the day after Thanksgiving, Bill Snyder’s AARP discount, on top of Black Friday sales, would be INSANE.

10. Texas A&M (defeated Missouri 59-29) – In what was quite the fitting end to the first SEC seasons of the conference’s newest members, both ends of the “moving to the SEC” spectrum were fully realized. Texas A&M notched its 10^th win and proved itself to be worthy of any competition while Missouri struggled to its first losing season in a decade. Despite the gap between the Aggies’ and Tigers’ records, both should feel vindicated. After barging into a conference containing a few fans who would swear that even Ole Miss and Kentucky would plow through any other conference in the land, both notched wins and are able to join the rest of the constituency in laughing at Auburn.

11. Oklahoma (defeated Oklahoma State 51-48) – Of all of the catchy nicknames given to all of the rivalry games throughout college football, there isn’t one that describes the actual game more than ‘Bedlam’ between Oklahoma and Oklahoma State. We can’t remember the last time that this game didn’t involve either A.) an upset, B.) overtime, C.) half a dozen lead changes, or D.) a clinched conference/division title. The only downside of this annual instant classic is that it is played on Saturday and often gets hung up in the mess of the late afternoon and early evening schedules. Now that the Iron Bowl has moved back to Saturday, Bedlam should move up to Friday and be one of the few marquee games that will draw millions of viewers who are just waking up from their turkey coma.

12. Florida State (lost to No. 5 Florida 37-26) – It’s just not a good time to be a quarterback. About a third of the NFL’s passers have gone down in the last three weeks and the trend made the leap down to college during rivalry week as a late injury to E.J. Manuel denied any hopes of a Florida State comeback against the Gators. The loss is especially damaging in that the Seminoles needed some sort of quality win to stay in the high esteem of both the computers and the pollsters. FSU has beaten just one ranked team all season and although the Noles will likely roll through Georgia Tech to reach the BCS, they will have to be very impressive to end the year in the top-10.

13. South Carolina (defeated No. 12 Clemson 27-17) – South Carolina kept its BCS hopes alive with an impressive win over bitter rival Clemson last week. Assuming that the winner of the SEC title game is going to the national championship and that the loser is also getting a BCS bid, there is still room for one more SEC team. That makes for an interesting struggle between the Gamecocks, Texas A&M and LSU. Despite having the lowest ranking, Carolina might end up with the most impressive looking win if Georgia is able to beat Alabama. No matter the outcome of the SEC title game, it will be an interesting conversation when it comes to the at-large BCS selections. There are only 10 spots and seven are already reserved for Notre Dame and the six BCS conference championships. By our count that leaves three spots for Bama/UGA loser, Texas A&M, LSU, Carolina, Oregon, Oklahoma and Florida to fight over.

14. Nebraska (defeated Iowa 13-7) – In a newly formed Big Ten showdown that one USELESS Poll reader has deemed “Farmaggedon”, both teams were stout defensively and the Cornhuskers were just barely able to limp away with a win even though the Hawkeyes have been horrible for most of the season. Such are the ways of Nebraska. When the Huskers are clicking, they look BCS quality. When the offense sputters, they look like they deserve to be playing in 30 degree temperatures, 20-plus mile per hour winds, and in the middle of nowhere… Of course, Nebraska didn’t have to travel the whole way to Iowa for that.

15. Clemson (lost to No. 15 South Carolina 27-17) – Clemson has been matching Florida State blow for blow this season and that trend didn’t stop when it came time to lose a heartbreaker to an out of conference rival. Much like the Seminoles, Clemson has had plenty of wins, but not many impressive opponents vanquished. The Tigers had a great opportunity to position themselves for an at-large BCS bid, but that flew out the window after the loss to Carolina.

16. Insanely huge lottery jackpots (defeating scratch-offs $365 million-free ticket) – Is there a bigger racket in the world than Powerball and Mega Millions? Seriously, folks. You do realize that hitting the jackpot has worse odds than you being struck by lightning at the exact same time that Scarlett Johansson AND Kate Upton both profess their love for you and get into the world’s sexiest catfight, right? Just stick to good old-fashioned illegal bookies and sports wagering. You’ll never make $300 million, but having the spare cash that proves you know things about sports is really the ultimate bragging rights.

17. Kent State (defeated Ohio 28-6) – Teams like Louisiana Tech and Ohio garnered most of the non-BCS attention in the polls for most of the season, but ever since knocking off then-unbeaten Cincinnati in October, the Golden Flashes have come screaming into the picture and are threatening to break into the top-15. If not for a mind-boggling blowout loss to Kentucky in Week 2, Kent State would be undefeated and high enough up in the polls to lock itself into a BCS spot. That’s the biggest reason to have a sizeable playoff in FBS. Things are just more fun when a Cinderella gets a shot. Those who love the traditional powers could have their fun every time an upstart program gets beaten by 50 while people who share in the USELESS Poll’s ideals can celebrate the fact that everyone is getting an honest shot to play for a title.

18. UCLA (lost to No. 9 Stanford 35-17) – The Bruins were riding high after taking out USC and clinching the Pac-12 South, but were quickly brought down to earth by Stanford. UCLA will have to line up against the Cardinal once more this week in the conference title game, but even though another beatdown might be in store, the Bruins at least have some dignity heading into this year’s Pac-12 Championship. The Bruins reached the game last season, but only did so because of USC’s ineligibility and had to petition the NCAA to play in a bowl game after a loss in the Pac-12 title game dropped their record below .500. That’s just embarrassing (Georgia Tech, we’re looking in your general direction).

19. Northern Illinois (defeated Eastern Michigan 49-7) – Here at USELESS Poll headquarters, a lot of NCAA Football gets played. And by ‘a lot’, we’re talking on-our-third-Xbox 360-in-seven-years frequency. Needless to say, there is some quality pretend football going on and one of the favorite pastimes is taking the usual doormat of a team and turning them into a contender. As the years have gone by, we’ve seen teams like Nevada, New Mexico State, Florida Atlantic and – one beautiful, endless summer – Temple turn into untouchable juggernauts of college football. That said, Eastern Michigan has never even been considered to become one of these rags-to-riches stories. The Eagles are just too god-awful. We’d probably burn up another Xbox just from the hardware trying to figure out how to display an EMU victory.

20. Louisville (lost to Connecticut 23-20) – The Cardinals are only in the No. 20 slot due to the poll’s insistence on having at least one team from each BCS conference in the top-20. We realize that the Cardinals are in no way deserving of this ranking. Instead, let their ranking serve as a symbol for how outdated the entire BCS system has become. Any of the six conferences held in such high esteem as to have a standing invitation to the year’s biggest games waiting for their champions should have no problem fielding teams that are in the top-20, right? No… Apparently, that’s not right. That’s not right at all. Oh well, at least we’ll get a Louisville-Rutgers showdown this week for the Big East title. That should have the intensity of a BCS game even if it is sorely lacking the talent of one.

21. Utah State (defeated Idaho 45-9) – Hey, that team from Utah is in the poll. No. Not THAT team from Utah… And not that other team from Utah either… Wait a minute. Are there actually three teams from freaking Utah playing in the FBS? How did that happen? It’s weird enough to think about three rosters worth of FBS talent actually moving to Utah to play, but we weren’t even aware that there are three different cities in Utah. We were pretty sure that it was just Salt Lake City, Provo, and all of those salt flats where extreme daredevils drive their rocket cars.

22. Boise State (defeated Colorado State 42-14) – The Broncos are one win away from hitting the double-digit win mark for the 12^th time in 14 seasons with a game against Nevada and a bowl game still on the schedule. We’ve mentioned it a couple of times before, but it’s worth repeating that Boise State is having another great year and is doing so with just six seniors holding regular starting positions. The Broncos had some hiccups early on, but certainly seem to have found their stride. With point totals of 32 or more in six of its last eight games, Boise looks like it might be gearing up for another BCS run next season.

23. Oregon State (lost to No. 3 Oregon 48-24) – After watching Oregon get knocked off the week before, Oregon State had to know that the Ducks were going to rain down all holy hell on it. With Oregon ticked off about its national title hopes circling the drain, it was really inevitable that the Beavers were going to take a licking (aaaaannnnnnd there goes our PG-13 rating). Oregon State put up a decent fight, but surrendered a bit too much on defense early on. If the Ducks sense some blood in the water in the first quarter, it’s all over. At least the Beavers should still have a decent bowl game to look forward to.

24. Northwestern (defeated Illinois 50-14) – The Wildcats missed out on a great chance to play for a Big Ten title this season with three come-from-ahead conference losses, but finished strong with a smackdown of Illinois last week. Unfortunately for Northwestern, it’s only a matter of time before another school is going to come courting head coach Pat Fitzgerld who – for the USELESS Poll’s money – is one of the ten best coaches in all of college football. The Wildcats have been on the brink of being a great team a few times in the last five years, but it seems like there are just too many factors playing against it. In addition to having traditional powers like Michigan, Ohio State and Nebraska to contend with each season, Northwestern also deals with a recruiting double-whammy, combining the stringent academic standards of Duke or Stanford with the horrible weather of any school located within 100 miles of one of the Great Lakes.

25. Rutgers (lost to Pittsburgh 27-6) – The Scarlet Knights drop out of this week’s designated top-20 spot for the Big East by virtue of have the more pathetic loss between themselves and Louisville. But, as mentioned in Louisville’s post, at least that loss sets up Thursday’s game between the Cardinals and Knights to be a big one. Hopefully, it will be a repeat of the 2006 showdown. A few big plays, a nice comeback and a thrilling finish. Hopefully, this game won’t also include USELESS Poll members getting pulled over on the way home from the county line after picking up some gametime supplies.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Michigan, Texas, San Jose State

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Oklahoma State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 12

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

*Peeks head out from rubble

**Coughs up a lung

***Cowers at every small sound

Well… That week certainly put everyone on edge, didn’t it? Two weeks ago, all of the buzz was centered on four undefeated teams and how it was unlikely that any of them would falter. Now, aside from the ineligible Ohio State Buckeyes, just one team remains with an unblemished record.

For as much as the USELESS Poll dislikes the BCS format and would gladly advocate an 8 or even 16 team playoff to decide the national title, we’ll never doubt the system’s ability to create plenty of drama and chaos over the final weeks of the regular season. We’ll continue to dream that the current proposed playoff system expands to give the nation a month of top-notch, do-or-die college football, but until then, the entertainment is undeniable.

1. Notre Dame (defeated Wake Forest 38-0) – Somewhere, Mark May softly weeps himself to sleep. The Golden Domers are once again the top team in all the land. It’s been a long, strange trip to the top and for all of the close calls and criticism that the Fighting Irish have taken, their 11-0 record surpasses any negatives that can be thrown at them. On a day where two teams stumbled badly against teams that nobody figured to put up a huge challenge, Notre Dame has to be congratulated for taking it right to an overmatched opponent. Going into the week, the Irish were rooting for USC to play well as any strength of schedule boost would have helped in their three-horse race. Now, Notre Dame is thrilled to be the unanimous No. 1 with a deflated Trojan squad up next.

2. Alabama (defeated Western Carolina 49-0) – Despite Western Carolina’s best efforts to never get in their way on the path to the end zone, the Crimson Tide managed to show an incredible amount of mercy in only hanging 49 points on the Catamounts. The only real drama of the day came on Alabama’s first drive of the game. A friend of the poll made the bold statement that the Tide would score a touchdown in five plays. After three plays, the Tide were still hanging around their own 35. One huge play later, ‘Bama was at the WCU 1 and our friend started celebrating, only to have A.J. McCarron bobble the snap on the fifth play for a loss. It took six whole plays to reach the end zone. What a bunch of slackers.

3. Oregon (lost to No. 12 Stanford 17-14 in OT) – That little extra bit of spotlight might have been just enough to get the Ducks to crack. Oregon faced the best defense it has seen all season, but was stifled far more than anyone thought it would be. Everyone kept waiting for one of the Ducks’ bevy of playmakers to drop the hammer and start a huge run, but it just never happened. But for as disappointing as the offense was, the defense showed why Oregon is definitely an elite team. The Ducks took heat after giving up plenty of points against USC and were very banged up heading into the Stanford matchup, but stood up to the Cardinal’s power game. Oregon might not even make the Pac-12 title game, but there’s no use getting all riled up right now. As last week showed, anything can and will happen late in the season.

4. Georgia (defeated Georgia Southern 45-14) – We realize that we’re headquartered here in Georgia and have already hired extra operators to handle the increased volume of irate callers wanting to know why the Bulldogs haven’t jumped to at least No. 3 this week. The answer is simple, and it’s the same answer/problem that Georgia has faced all season. As of this moment, the Bulldogs have played all of two teams that have been ranked at any point this season. In one of those games, Georgia lost by 28. There’s just not enough of a body of work to put UGA anywhere near the national championship game. Even with a win over (we’ll assume) Alabama in the SEC championship game, Oregon – if it runs the table – will have an identical record, a much less embarrassing loss, and wins over six teams that have been in the poll this season.

5. Florida (defeated Jacksonville State 23-0) – The Gators didn’t look spectacular, but they still took care of business and never let Jacksonville State think that it was in the game for even a moment. With both Alabama and Georgia leading them in all polls, the Gators’ season now boils down to their annual showdown with Florida State. Both are back in the top-10 and its been a good, long while since this game has had the heavyweight clout that it used to command every year. Florida is almost certainly headed to a high-profile New Year’s Day bowl, but everything it has worked for will be vindicated or discredited against the Seminoles this week.

6. Ohio State (defeated Wisconsin 21-14) – After a few weeks of ridiculing Buckeye players for their free tattoos, we’ll now turn our attention to the OSU brass… *starts slow clap*. Way to go, guys. You sure hit the nail on the head with your handling of that scandal. Way to think short-term and go for a big bowl game money-grab last season, leaving your year of ineligibility for this year. So far, all that’s costing you is (looks at records and standings) probably a No. 2 ranking and an inside track to the national title game. On the plus side, knowing that there are no national implications is probably helping out Urban Meyer. The Buckeyes should be plenty good in 2013 and it’ll give Meyer’s fragile heart an extra year of recovery before the real stress hits.

7. LSU (defeated Mississippi 41-35) – The Tigers have been out of the national title discussion for a few weeks now, but they almost let things get really out of hand against Mississippi. In a mostly one-sided rivalry such as this one, it’s always dangerous when the dominant team comes into the game with little to play for. Ole Miss is having a good season by its own standards and a win over LSU would have been a cherry on top of the Rebels’ mediocrity sundae. Mississippi looked like the more prepared team throughout the night, but the Tigers finally figured out that they’re still a top-10 team sometime in the third quarter and sent the Rebels home unhappy once again.

8. Kansas State (lost to Baylor 52-24) – Look, Kansas State. We get it. Slip-ups happen, and sometimes they happen at the worst possible time. But here’s the thing. Slip-ups should look like Oregon’s nail-biting, heart-breaking, overtime loss to a pretty solid team. What slip-ups don’t look like is a four-touchdown implosion against a team that entered a mid-November matchup with a losing record. Poor Wildcats. We still remember how you guys should have played for the very first BCS championship game. All you had to do was beat a thoroughly outmanned Texas A&M team in the Big XII title game and you messed that up as well. Don’t get us wrong. You’re still great and we still love you. Maybe the football gods just have it in for you guys.

9. Stanford (defeated No. 1 Oregon 17-14 in OT) - The Cardinal upset their second Oregon-based opponent in as many weeks as they finally found a way to slow down the Ducks. Stanford really can’t get enough credit – not just for finding a way to disrupt the Oregon offense, but for being a constant, elite team in a conference that had it as mostly an afterthought heading into the season. Now, the Cardinal are one win away from clinching the Pac-12 North and playing for a trip to yet another BCS bowl appearance. Don’t look now, but Stanford is becoming a perennial power on the national scene.

10. Florida State (Defeated Maryland 41-14) – The fact that Maryland was down to a linebacker, a tight end and a particularly burly cheerleader on their quarterbacking depth chart was a cruel enough joke on an already bad team. What’s even worse was that the Terps’ schedule was backloaded with the best two teams in the ACC. Clemson crushed Maryland two weeks ago and the Seminoles brought more of the same last week. On the bright side, Maryland has announced that they’re getting out of the ACC and heading to the Big Ten, where it will get to suck and be pummeled in loads of exciting new places.

11. Texas A&M (defeated Sam Houston State 47-28) – The Aggies followed up one of the biggest wins in school history with a cakewalk over FCS Sam Houston State. This past week is yet another shining example of the maniacal minds that are running the SEC and gaining a monopoly on the college football world. Two years ago, the entire conference started playing FCS or low-level FBS games during the second or third week of November. Not only does this tactic give all of the teams a chance to heal up before their rivalry games, but it also eliminates the possibility of a late loss – which we all know are more damaging in the polls than early ones. With this setup, SEC teams can rest easy that even an early loss incurred by playing a tough September non-conference opponent can be wiped away by playing a lesser team late in the year and rooting for something crazy (like Oregon and Kansas State) to happen that will vault them up the polls.

12. Clemson (defeated N.C. State 62-48) – The Tigers were able to clear the hurdle that Florida State couldn’t, but will still be shut out of the ACC championship game. What’s even more enraging for the Clemson faithful is just how little it took to get into the title game on the other side of the conference. Florida State is 10-1 and a very deserving squad, but – thanks to Miami’s self-imposed postseason ban – 6-5 Georgia Tech is the team that has somehow emerged from the Coastal Division to take its swings at the Seminoles. If there’s a silver lining to all of this for the Tigers, a win over South Carolina this weekend would put them at 11-1 and – without a potential ACC championship loss to worry about – in prime position to get an at-large BCS bowl bid.

13. Oklahoma (defeated West Virginia 50-49) – We’re a little bit disappointed in Oklahoma. When you’re a proud football program with a tradition of a pounding offense and a hard-nosed defense, you aren’t supposed to let a flash-and-bread team like West Virginia drag you into playing their type of football. But there’s also something to be said for winning the types of games that you don’t excel at. The Sooners’ offense has been hit-and-miss all season, but rose to the occasion when the defense had an off day. A BCS bowl is looking unlikely for Oklahoma and many Sooner fans are probably still bummed that this team was rated so highly in August, but it’s been a solid year for the Sooners… so long as they don’t trip over Okie State.

14. UCLA (defeated No. 19 USC 38-28) – The USELESS Poll has given USC and all of its talent the benefit of a doubt all season, but UCLA kicked the Trojans out of the rankings with an impressive showing last week. Not only did the Bruins take down their bitter rivals to clinch the Pac-12 South, but they did so in a year where just about everybody figured that USC was head-and-shoulders above the competition. If not for that head-scratcher of a loss to Cal earlier in the year, the Bruins could be one of the teams in the BCS bowl discussion.

15. South Carolina (defeated Wofford 24-7) – As the fourth quarter began in Columbia on Saturday, you could probably hear a pin drop. Wofford gave the Gamecocks all they could handle and even though Carolina pulled away late, any crimson and white wearing fan would be lying if they said that they weren’t at least a little bit nervous. Near upsets from FCS schools aside, the Gamecocks just haven’t been the same since Lattimore’s injury. Carolina will get one more chance to impress before the bowl bids are handed out as it takes on Clemson in a rare meeting where both teams are in the top-15.

16. Computer rankings (dominating math-deficient analysts every season) – If you don’t like the current BCS standings, just hang around for 10 minutes or so. Each week, a new wrinkle in the process of determining the top teams seems to pop up as schools shuffle around the top of the rankings. One week, the computers will love a certain team. The next week, it’s the human polls that are giving another team an edge. The one constant is the hilarity that ensues when the former players who now serve as hosts on the myriad college football shows on ESPN fail to grasp exactly what the rankings and polls are trying to say and go on a two-minute tirade about how one team should be above another.

17. Oregon State (defeated California 62-14) – The Beavers so thoroughly demolished Cal last week that the denizens of Berkley actually managed to get fired up and sent longtime coach Jeff Tedford packing. Oregon State suffered a pair of losses that ruined their bid for a magical season, but it can still play spoiler. The Beavers have looked on all season as Oregon has gotten all of the press, but an upset of the Ducks would ensure that Oregon will be locked out of the Pac-12 title game and would erase any chance of the Ducks playing for a national championship. There’s nothing like an extra helping of spite during rivalry week.

18. Rutgers (defeated Cincinnati 10-3) – The Scarlet Knights will head to the Big Ten along with Maryland, officially leaving the Big East as a shriveled corpse of its former self in a couple of years. We still aren’t sure how the auto bids will work out in the new playoff format, but it seems as though the Big East will be left to fend with the other middling conferences for whatever minor bowls and fringe media coverage is available after the Big Ten, SEC, etc. are through with it. In one of the final years of its national relevance, the Big East comes down to this week’s Rutgers/Louisville game in what could provide the answer to a future trivia question of ‘Who was the last Big East team to play in a major bowl?’

19. Nebraska (defeated Minnesota 38-14) – Nebraska got one step closer to playing for its first Big Ten title last week as the Cornhuskers easily blew past the Golden Gophers. Only a major faceplant will prevent Nebraska from reaching the title game as hapless Iowa is the final team on its schedule and a Michigan loss to Ohio State would also automatically send the Huskers to the championship game. Much like UCLA, Nebraska is one baffling loss from being a major player. Ohio State is good and all, but Nebraska has no business giving up 68 points and that one awful night of defense – combined with an exponentially more awful conference schedule – will keep the big bowls away from the Huskers unless they win the Big Ten.

20. Texas (did not play) – The Longhorns nearly got a courtesy bump into this week’s poll. Texas had a week off, but lost legendary coach and stadium namesake Darrell Royal. The Longhorns have had a very good season with a few impressive wins, but have always lost at just the wrong time to lose either favoritism in the poll and/or solid footing within the Big XII. The Longhorns have a chance to move as high as second in the conference with wins over TCU and Kansas State in the final weeks, but the real tragedy here is the team that Texas doesn’t play. By all accounts, Texas A&M’s move to the SEC has worked out great, but the day after Thanksgiving just won’t be the same without Texas and Texas A&M squaring off. For shame, conference realignment. Stop ruining America.

21. Michigan (defeated Iowa 42-17) – As one close friend of the USELESS Poll put his beloved Iowa Hawkeyes’ performance – “I don’t think that Iowa could be a worse team if they let me play for them.” Michigan’s defense put forth a great effort as Iowa completed a grand total of two passes to wide receivers while seemingly every Wolverine that caught a pass had 20 yards to roam free after the catch. Michigan still has an outside shot at the Big Ten championship game, but the bigger victory will be finding a way to beat Ohio State for a second consecutive season. Neither team is headed for anything special, so another win in the 116 year old rivalry is worth much more than any conference championship or Rose Bowl bid.

22. Kent State (defeated Bowling Green 31-24) – Here is an exhaustive list of everything the USELESS Poll knows about Kent State: They call themselves the Golden Flashes, they’re an impressive 10-1, and ‘Four Dead in Ohio’ is an awesome song…. And there you have it. The Golden Flashes have already secured a spot in the MAC championship game, which is an annual guilty pleasure of the USELESS Poll. There are usually two solid teams in the MAC title game, but just one semi-relevant bowl that only the winner will advance to. Kent State and Northern Illinois will play the rolls of the quality teams this season and we can’t wait for the Nov. 30 showdown.

23. Boise State (defeated Colorado State 42-14) – Everybody’s favorite Cinderella breaks back into the poll after the Broncos easily dispatched Colorado State. Boise will clinch at least a share of the Mountain West title if it can beat Nevada this week. San Diego State and Fresno State could combine to make it a three-way tie at the top of the conference standings, but – quite frankly – we aren’t paid enough to figure out three-way tiebreakers in non-BCS conferences. Let’s just say that they’ll all compete in a three-legged race in which the winner gets the non-New Year’s Day bowl bid that is the most desirable in terms of viewership.

24. Louisville (did not play) – Kudos to the Cardinals. Louisville is one of only 13 teams that has made the top-25 in every USELESS Poll to date. We realize that it is a week too early to be congratulating the Cardinals for this feat, but we have no doubt that the habitual readers of this poll know that this is just another shot fired in the constant psychological warfare between us and Louisville. Everything comes down to this week. A Louisville win will give it a Big East Championship, a BCS bowl bid and a top-20 ranking. A loss will give us reason to finally drop the Cardinals from the rankings. Game on.

25. Thanksgiving leftovers (defeats Thanksgiving dinner by one three-hour parade) – The only thing better than stuffing your face for ten hours while watching football on Thanksgiving day is stuffing your face for ten hours while watching football AND NOT WORRYING ABOUT COOKING OR ENTERTAINING RELATIVES. There is no shortage of great football on Black Friday and – if you’re like the USELESS Poll household – there is also no shortage of leftover food. So sleep in until noon, don’t put on pants all day, grab a case of your favorite beer, and commence with more football watching while the lady-folk are buying you awesome Christmas presents.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northern Illinois, Arizona, Washington

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Utah State, Oklahoma State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 11

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

As if preparing for the hustle and bustle of the upcoming holidays wasn’t enough, college football went absolutely insane last week.

In addition to Alabama getting knocked off of its perch at the top of the poll, four other teams – including one of the remaining undefeateds – from last week’s poll took a tumble.

With Alabama’s loss, the last few weeks should be chaos, no matter how things play out. We could be treated to three undefeated teams jumping up and down among the top two BCS slots as tiny variables change. And if two of them happen to lose at some point, the race to be the one-loss team that reaches the title game will be crazy.

1. Oregon (defeated California 59-17) – The king is dead. Long live the king. For weeks, the Ducks have been compiling the sort of resume that top-ranked teams are made of, but were held back by Alabama’s refusal to show even a crack in its armor. That all changed last week as the Tide was washed away by Texas A&M. Taking full advantage of its good fortune, Oregon went out and did what Oregon does – put an absurd about of offense/points on the board. The Ducks had to keep their starters on the field for the second consecutive week, but perhaps that’s a good thing. In a home stretch that could contain a rematch with USC and (Oregon hopes) a national championship appearance, the Ducks will need 60 good minutes of football to remain at the top of the mountain.

2. Kansas State (defeated TCU 23-10) – In stark contrast to Oregon’s style of play, America’s quieter and more reserved great team also kept rolling along as Kansas State navigated around a tricky trip to TCU without much trouble. The Wildcats don’t run the blur offense of Oregon and they certainly don’t adorn themselves in whatever Technicolor dreamcoats that Phil Knight thinks up during his weekly LSD bender, but there can be no doubting that KSU is a dominant team. Heisman favorite Collin Klein was injured in K-State’s win two weeks ago, but he remained in the lineup against TCU and turned in 195 total yards and a pair of rushing touchdowns. Having beaten Texas Tech and TCU, the Wildcats can complete a Texas state championship – and an undefeated regular season – with wins over Baylor and Texas in the final two weeks.

3. Notre Dame (defeated Boston College 21-6) – Some critics will probably get on Notre Dame for not blowing out hapless Boston College, but after the close call against Pitt in which the Irish trailed nearly all the way, ND did exactly what it wanted to do. The Irish took their first possession on a long, grinding drive, scored a touchdown, and never looked back. Notre Dame isn’t going to put up 50 points (or 40… or 30, for that matter) on many teams, but there is no denying that the Irish are a scary team to face once they have a lead. Another seemingly easy win awaits next week before College Gameday sets up a cavalcade of alums to run out on stage during the pregame for ND/USC.

4. Alabama (lost to No. 14 Texas A&M 29-24) – Ok. So the king isn’t quite dead. But Alabama took a pretty nice haymaker across its cheek. Alabama still controls its own destiny as far as an SEC title and a BCS bowl appearance are concerned, but the Tide now needs some help if it wants to get back to the national championship game. Texas A&M finally pulled off what so many others failed to do. The Aggies hit ‘Bama early and often and knocked the Tide off of their game. To its credit, Alabama regrouped and nearly won anyways, but that was the first game in two years that the Tide hasn’t played on its own terms. An opponent forced the game to play fast and loose – one of the few things that the Tide can’t do better than everyone else in the country.

5. Georgia (defeated Auburn 38-0) – The Bulldogs punched their ticket to the SEC championship game in style as they laid waste to Auburn – kicking the Tigers when they were down as any good rival would do. The UGA offense has finally matured and the defense is a much stingier unit than the Bulldogs showed for the first two months of play. Of course, this could all be just a setup for another letdown by an SEC East champ. South Carolina was decimated by LSU last year and UGA didn’t fare much better against Alabama the year before. The Bulldogs have fought hard to get back into BCS contention after their loss to South Carolina, but if they don’t bring their ‘A’ game to the Georgia Dome in December, they might just play their way right back out of the BCS running.

6. LSU (defeated Mississippi State 37-17) – As if the ship hadn’t already sailed on them, the MSU Bulldogs continued to show just how little they were challenged in their first seven games. A night game in Death Valley – especially after LSU’s heartbreaker the week before – was a recipe for disaster for the Bulldogs. Ole Miss and Arkansas had better watch out as the ass-kickings being dealt out by LSU will only increase in intensity now that the SEC West is now possibly back in play. As for MSU, well, the winning was fun while it lasted. At least Auburn has now put an extra team in between the Bulldogs and the division basement.

7. Ohio State (did not play) – A friend of the USELESS Poll was talking to us the other day. He is almost done with college and, after three years of scraping by on financial aid and countless ramen-based meals, has finally found himself a real job. Now that he’s got a steady paycheck coming in, his first move was to accomplish his lifelong goal of getting a tattoo. After showing the base (apparently, these things get done in sessions – we don’t know. We’re just here for sports), he showed drawings for the finished design. Then he said that the final product will end up costing over $500. No wonder those Buckeyes were trading memorabilia for free tats. That’s insane. I mean, the art looked good and all, but at those prices, there are millions of middle school-aged girls armed to the teeth with colorful pens that are going to town on their own arms everyday while not realizing that they’re sitting on a gold mine.

8. Texas A&M (defeated No. 1 Alabama 29-24) – Johnny. Freaking. Football. One more outburst like that and Johnny Manziel is going to claim the copyright to “My God, he’s only a freshman!” Seriously. For the better part of two years, Alabama has mercilessly beaten the crap out of anybody and everybody who has gotten in its way. Manziel responded to that incredible task with a resounding “Meh.” So much for some SEC fans who wondered whether either of the conference’s new members would be able to hack it. Texas A&M is more than capable of being a power in its first season in the SEC and will have the conference’s best quarterback until Manziel decides to move on.

9. Florida State (defeated Virginia Tech 28-22) – The Seminoles flirted with disaster, but were able to pull out a Thursday night win in Lane Stadium – something that rarely ever happens for opponents of Virginia Tech. FSU looked like it was stuck in second gear for most of the night and seemingly tried to throw the game away all by itself with that horrible safety in the fourth quarter, but turned things around just in time. The only thing more entertaining than watching the final five or so minutes of this game would have been watching a bar full of Clemson fans look on as their team watched its last best chance to win the division take an innocent five-yard slant half the length of the field for a touchdown.

10. Florida (defeated Louisiana-Lafayette 27-20) – Hey, Florida Gators. You got a minute? Take a seat. We need to have a talk. We want to know what’s going on in your life. Listen, you’re a good kid, Florida. You’ve made good grades throughout the entire season and tons of people saw exactly what you’re capable of when you marched into LSU and knocked them from the top of the rankings. Things didn’t quite turn out for you in the SEC East. We get it. But that’s no reason to act out like this. You’re underachieving in nearly every facet of the game. You’re hanging out with teams like Louisiana-Lafayette right in the middle of the conference schedule. According to the box score, you haven’t even been attending the first half of your last two games. We don’t want to threaten you with missing a bowl or anything. That wouldn’t be fair, given how much you’ve achieved. But there’s a big game coming up against Florida State pretty soon and you need to be prepared. Until then, we’re taking your car away.

11. Clemson (defeated Maryland 45-10) – The Maryland Terrapins are officially the NCAA sad-sack story of the year on the football field. Already a threat to absolutely nobody – even in the abysmal ACC – the Terps managed to lose the first four quarterbacks on their depth chart over the course of their first seven games. There wasn’t even a drug problem or academic scandal involved. All of those guys just couldn’t stay healthy. Now, Maryland is taking linebackers and tight ends off of the scout team and trying to make a Division I quarterback out of them. In the movies, this would be the part where the Terps salvage some pride as the team and fans unite behind the down-on-his-luck, not-a-chance-in-hell replacement and the Terps take down the No. 1 school in the country. Instead, No. 9 Florida State will probably bash Maryland’s skull into the ground and maybe make it down to the sixth or seventh spot on the QB depth chart.

12. Stanford (defeated No. 16 Oregon State 27-23) – With the respective successes and struggles of Oregon and USC, Stanford has quietly remained as a Pac-12 contender and one of the better teams in the nation. The Cardinal’s only two losses include a Thursday night game on the road in front of 70,000 crazy Washington fans in Seattle and an overtime heartbreaker at still-unbeaten Notre Dame. But now comes the ultimate test. Stanford travels to Oregon this week and, while a win would put the Cardinal in line to win the Pac-12 North, the defense will have to bump up its effectiveness by about 1000% to keep up with the Ducks.

13. Oklahoma (defeated Baylor 42-34) – The Sooners continued their second half surge with another big offensive performance against Baylor. You’ve got to give Oklahoma some credit for continuing to put up wins this season. The Sooners were almost immediately put behind the 8-ball with a few shaky wins and the home loss to Kansas State. It quickly became clear that K-State wasn’t going to slip up and let Oklahoma back into the division race, but the Sooners have been able to maintain a high level of play since that upset loss. With games remaining against West Virginia, Oklahoma State and TCU – all teams that have hovered either just inside or outside of the polls – a 3-0 finish and an upset or two could have the Sooners challenging for an at-large BCS bid.

14. South Carolina (defeated Arkansas 38-20) – Remember when the burning question heading into the season was whether one division of the SEC had the best three teams in the entire country? What an overreaction that was. Arkansas came out of the gates wobbly, went straight downhill from there, got things together for about two weeks, and has now fallen right back off of the cliff. The funny thing is that the prognosticators were almost sort of right. If not for Carolina beating UGA so badly and if the Gamecocks could have knocked off LSU, it’s entirely possible that Georgia, Florida and South Carolina could have at least all shoehorned their way into the top-5 of a single week’s poll.

15. Bonfires (defeats sweating it out during summer tailgating 100-0) – There is likely no greater achievement for manliness than the bonfire. While most of us have wives and girlfriends to go home to and all of us have a warm bed awaiting us at the end of these chilly fall days, we have somehow turned venturing out into the cold for the sole purpose of drinking beer and burning things into a social event. USELESS Poll headquarters has a 55-inch, high-def television with any sport you could ever dream of within the range of the remote, but even that is no match for a phone call promising a bonfire and a six-pack in exchange for sitting outside for three hours. Maybe it’s a primal instinct thing. It could also be that the USELESS Poll’s TV and DVR is sometimes preoccupied with a “Keeping up with the Kardashians” marathon, courtesy of the estrogen-infused half of USELESS headquarters, but that’s another story.

16. Nebraska (defeated Penn State 32-23) – With the success of UCLA this season, Nebraska’s early season loss to the Bruins is looking much more excusable. The Cornhuskers might even crack the top-15 if not for that embarrassing 63-38 loss to Ohio State. To their credit, the Huskers have rebounded nicely. A division championship and a spot in the Big Ten championship game seem all but imminent with just Minnesota and Iowa in its way, but Nebraska could have been so much better than what it currently is.

17. UCLA (defeated Washington State 44-36) – The Bruins maintained their spot atop the Pac-12 South with a win over Washington State last week. This week’s showdown with USC will decide the Pac-12 South, and that’s exactly how things should be. Both of these schools are in Los Angeles – a far better alternative to the bitterly cold power schools up north or the oppressive summer heat found in SEC country. There is no reason that USC should have been the only good LA school for most of the last 20 years, especially when UCLA’s Pasadena location is the nicer of the two schools. The Arizona schools can easily compete with the Trojans and Bruins for best party school and hottest co-eds, but there is no good reason that any of the six Pac-12 teams other than USC and UCLA should ever draw the most talent.

18. Rutgers (defeated Army 28-7) – After Louisville’s fall from grace, Rutgers regains the Big East’s token spot in the top-20. The Scarlet Knights had a difficult schedule in that they played nearly their entire conference slate before most Big East teams were halfway through, but all of that trouble is now paying off as Rutgers sits at the top of the conference while everyone else beats up on each other. Quick side note about a former Rutgers guy… Many have speculated that Greg Schiano is a bit of a tool after a few fiery run-ins as head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The USELESS Poll is friends with the head of Rutgers’ sports information department and was told of Schiano’s $1000 Christmas present to the guy and his wife upon the Knights’ first ever BCS bowl bid. Not a life-changing amount, but certainly a class gesture for a guy that is usually considered to think about nothing but football 24/7.

19. USC (defeated Arizona State 38-17) – For every two steps back that the Trojans take, they can at least be counted on to immediately take a step or two forward. USC has put up over 90 points in the last two weeks and is finally (now that a BCS bid will only come through a conference championship) looking like the juggernaut that so many people expected it to be. This year is looking like a reversal of roles. For so many seasons, Notre Dame has struggled through mediocrity in hopes of a marquee win over USC to hang its hat on. Now, it looks like the biggest thing that the Trojans will be able to celebrate is upsetting a BCS-bound Irish squad.

20. Oregon State (lost to No. 17 Stanford 27-23) – The magic has officially run out for the Beavers. No matter which quarterback wins the weekly game of musical chairs and gets the starting role, the defense that had driven the Beavers’ hot start has started digging holes that the offense can’t fix. Oregon State is a perfectly good B-plus team, but just doesn’t have the talent to be a player at the national level. Just face the facts, Beavers. You’re never going to reach the top of the mountain. Nike is headquartered in your town and you still can’t be the ‘it’ school in the boring-ass state of Oregon. That might wear on your nerves a bit, but don’t worry. Washington is just a few hours away and we hear that they have just legalized something that might take the edge off.

21. Louisiana Tech (defeated Texas State 62-55) – The Bulldogs hang around and the USELESS Poll’s favorite novelty attraction. It’s impressive that Louisiana Tech’s offense can put up so many points on such a consistent basis, but this is a team that is actually deserving of the criticism of not being able to compete against top teams that so many other non-BCS schools have endured. In addition to blowing a huge lead against one of the three BCS teams that they have faced, the Bulldogs have also given up 30 or more points to the likes of UNLV, Rice, Houston, Virginia, and now Texas State. At least when teams like Boise State and TCU were making their run at being a BCS buster, they consistently wiped lesser teams off of the map instead of just winning track meets.

22. Tiebreakers (defeating a few teams that couldn’t be bothered to defeat enough of the rest of the competition throughout the rest of the season) – There are few things in this world that are worse than a sister-kissin’ tie. Isn’t that the whole point of sports?... To conclude who is objectively better at doing something? Thankfully, college football has a straightforward overtime rule that has banned the tie, but other levels of football need to take heed. Just last week an NFL game somehow ended in a tie while countless numbers of high school region races were settled by things as ambiguous as a coin flip. We get it. Ties will sometimes happen, but that should inspire greatness to shine rather than a dull coin flip or the comparison of similar opponents. In all instances of a tie, the respective principals/athletic directors/team presidents should step forward. The first one to correctly guess the number between 1 and 1,000 that the USELESS Poll is thinking of wins whatever prize or position we’re bickering about.

23. Texas Tech (defeated Kansas 41-34) – Back-to-back losses against Kansas State and Texas knocked the Red Raiders out of contention for any major bowls, but they were able to get their act together just in time to squeak out a win against the abysmal Jayhawks. Tommy Tuberville has to be loving life right now. He was exiled to Lubbock, only to make Texas Tech a perennial top-25 team while Auburn – which couldn’t wait to get rid of him – is in shambles. What are the odds that he tries to come back when Chizik gets the heave-ho? Maybe all of the losing for Auburn is a clever ploy. After all, if the Tigers never win, nobody will be able to finish off those trees with a well-placed roll of toilet paper.

24. Michigan (defeated No. 23 Northwestern 38-31) – The Wolverines kept their Big Ten title hopes alive with a comeback win over Northwestern and kicked the Wildcats out of this week’s poll while finally climbing back into the rankings. There’s no doubting that Michigan got steamrolled by Alabama in the season opener, but that 13-6 loss to Notre Dame is certainly looking respectable and a loss at Nebraska is nothing to be ashamed of. The Wolverines have quietly become a decent team, but we’re reluctant to rank them any higher due to the general awfulness of their conference competition. But if Michigan finds away to beat Ohio State, all bets are off. Also, how long has Shoelace Robinson been at Michigan? It seems like 10 years. And why don’t we call him Shoelace anymore? Did he finally figure out how the rabbit goes around the bush or however that goes?

25. Louisville (lost to Syracuse 45-26) – Obviously, Louisville’s only purpose in this world is to be the bane of the USELESS Poll’s existence. We spent half of the year criticizing the Cardinals, finally gave in and conceded that just barely beating bad teams was their own special brand of football, then watched in horror as Syracuse absolutely thumped them. What the hell, guys? There’s just no winning with you. But now the joke is on you. You’re the one that is no longer in line to walk right into a BCS game. But we know you too well, Louisville. We fully expect to give you crap for another week, only to see you upset Rutgers and win the Big East anyway.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northern Illinois, Wisconsin, UCF

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Kent State, Oklahoma State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 10

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

In week 10, Jesus saved, ducks proved themselves to be the most dangerous animal on the planet and Goliath took a stone right between the eyes, but managed to stay on his feet.

Each of the nation’s top four teams either faced a great opponent or at least got a run for their money last week, but all managed to come out clean on the other side.

The haves are beginning to distance themselves from the have-nots, but the final few weeks of the regular season will bring about plenty of rivalry games that are always rife for a big upset. It’s a sprint to the finish, but we’re a long ways from being done.

1. Alabama (defeated No. 5 LSU 21-17) – After more than two months of pummeling inferior competition, the Crimson Tide finally ran up against an opponent that had the talent and the willingness to fight back. Alabama showed the same tough defense that took down LSU in last year’s national championship for the first three quarters, but finally blinked as the Tigers scored 14 unanswered points to take a late lead. In a fortunate twist of fate from last year’s regular season matchup between the two teams, it was a missed field goal by LSU that allowed the Tide to stay in the game and set the stage for the dramatic comeback win.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 16 USC 62-51) – Oregon set a new record for yards gained against USC… Then, the fourth quarter began. In keeping with the theme of its season, the Ducks’ offense continued to rack up yards, points and demoralized defenders at an unprecedented rate. The only wrinkle in this game is that the Oregon defense finally showed some give. USC scored 51, but to the Ducks’ credit, they never trailed and constantly came up with big turnovers when the Trojans threatened to get back into the game. These two teams may well have a rematch in the Pac-12 championship, but USC threw its best punch at home and it still wasn’t enough. There’s no reason for the Ducks to be any less than a 14-point favorite from now through the conference title game.

3. Kansas State (defeated Oklahoma State 44-30) – In the only top-4 game that wasn’t a nail-biter, the Wildcats were still on edge. Collin Klein spent most of the first three quarters doing the Collin Klein-esque things that are shaping up to win him a Heisman, but he also managed to injure his throwing hand. The good news is that KSU had already built a comfortable lead and that Klein was able to stay in the game and continue to hand the ball off. The bad news is that nobody within the Wildcats’ ranks is willing to give a straight answer about exactly how bad the injury was. The Wildcats are a solid, balanced team that can win with either offense or defense, but they need their Heisman hopeful quarterback to remain in the national title hunt.

4. Notre Dame (defeated Pittsburgh 29-26 in 3 OT) – After the huge win over Oklahoma and given the history of the last 20 or so years of Notre Dame football, was there ever really a doubt that the Fighting Irish would attempt to blow their own perfect season. Aside from managing to stay undefeated, the only positive that the Irish can take from their win over Pittsburgh is their contribution to the 2013 NCAA football encyclopedia in which that last game can be the new standard definition for “letdown game.” For as unnecessary as late offense against Pitt should have been, at least Notre Dame’s offense showed that it was capable of making big plays when it absolutely had to.

5. Georgia (defeated Ole Miss 37-10) – Much like the first part of Alabama’s schedule, Georgia’s matchups are a near cakewalk coming down the home stretch. The Bulldogs made the most out of their opportunity to get back into the SEC race with their upset win over Florida and now need only a win over an awful Auburn squad to punch their ticket to the conference championship game. Things are looking up for Georgia right now, but it might fall victim to the plight that the USELESS Poll predicted for it early in the year. If the Bulldogs run the table through the rest of the regular season, but lose the SEC title game, a 10-2 UGA squad will likely be shut out of the BCS as the Florida win would be its only victory over a ranked team.

6. Ohio State (defeated Illinois 52-22) – If Ohio State knows what is good for its long-term championship prospects, it should roll over and lose a few games down the stretch. The Buckeyes are easily the best team in the Big Ten, but that fact will only serve to make the conference look even more laughable as announcers spend all of November and December remarking on how two of the three or four best teams in the conference are ineligible. I know that losing to Michigan stings, but just do it for your own sake, OSU. If the Buckeyes make sure that they are the only Big Ten team in the rankings after this season, it’ll just be that much harder to get respect next season when they are capable of winning titles.

7. LSU (lost to No. 1 Alabama 21-17) – The Tigers drop a couple of spots in this week’s poll, but not simply because they lost. For 3 ½ quarters, LSU executed the exact type of game plan that is necessary to beat Alabama. The Tigers withstood the early onslaught of the Tide, then showed why many analysts said that they have the best defense in the country in keeping Alabama quiet for over 30 minutes of game time. And just when LSU had the lead and the ball in front of 90,000 indignant Cajuns, it totally rolled over. LSU couldn’t run out the clock and missed a field goal that would have put even more pressure on Alabama on its final drive, then played a soft defense that allowed the Tide to roll downfield. You don’t beat the No. 1 team by playing 59 minutes of good football.

8. Florida (defeated Missouri 14-7) – There is no doubting that the Gators have a top-notch defense, but there are better ways to prove that fact to the rest of the country than by threatening your defense with an offense that barely ever scores. The Gators needed every bit of that defensive effort to take out a Missouri squad that has just one SEC win and is trying to get settled back into its attack with James Franklin finally back under center. Apparently, last Saturday was National Screen Pass Day as both Florida and Alabama used the most innocent of passes to notch the winning points in their respective games.

9. Florida State (did not play) – A week after manhandling Duke, the Seminoles got a much deserved week off. FSU is still in line to play for the ACC championship – and will likely be favored by at least two touchdowns in the game – but has got to still be kicking itself over that N.C. State loss. Without that setback, the Noles would easily be in the top-5 and could at least have themselves in the national championship discussion. Florida State needs to make it back to a national championship game soon. We think that there would be a demand for a $59.99 Pay Per View high def feed into Bobby Bowden’s living room as he watches.

10. Clemson (defeated Duke 56-20) – Well, Duke. It was a good run you had going there. For a few glorious weeks, you reigned supreme over the gutted deer carcass that is the ACC’s Coastal Division. But the prospect of playing two teams that were actually good – and back-to-back, no less… THE HORROR!!! – was just too much for the Blue Devils to take. Apparently, we’ve found the solution to Clemson’s repeated letdowns once it reaches the top-10. If the rest of the conference is too horrible to take out FSU and give the Tigers another chance, then there is no need for Clemson to forget to show up and slip against a team like Duke. It’s a sad state of affairs that the ACC has two great teams, but that the division setup is going to relegate one to the Chick-fil-a bowl.

11. Louisville (defeated Temple 45-17) – Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. Louisville finally covered a point spread and laid the wood on an inferior opponent. We’ve spent plenty of time this season wondering when the Cardinals would finally kick things into gear, but they’re now just three games away from a perfect season. Soon, the Cardinals will be able to entertain dreams of being the latest Big East champion to go undefeated before losing by 30 in a BCS bowl. Cincinnati, we’re looking in your direction.

12. This Space Intentionally Left Blank (because, c’mon… look at the rest of these teams) – The placeholder spot makes its triumphant return this week as the teams in the top-11 are clearly at a different level. Louisville probably isn’t quite as deserving of the “next level” status as the rest of those teams, but there is something to be said for maintaining a perfect record into the second week of November. Some of the teams throughout the rest of this week’s rankings may well catch fire and finish strong, but there are just too many 0 and 1 loss teams ahead of them for more than one or two of the rest of these to make a BCS game.

13. Oklahoma (defeated Iowa State 35-20) – The Sooners bounced back nicely from their loss to Notre Dame with a win on the road at Iowa State – a place where many teams find road trouble. Landry Jones continued Oklahoma’s offensive upswing that was momentarily stopped by the Irish’s punishing defense and has his team sitting at 4-1 in Big XII play. Oklahoma still has a few tough games remaining on its conference schedule, but nothing will really matter in terms of winning the conference unless Kansas State falls twice.

14. Texas A&M (defeated No. 25 Mississippi State 38-13) – In the battle for third-place bragging rights in the SEC West, it’ was never much of a contest. Perhaps still reeling from its loss to Alabama – or perhaps, as we’ve said repeatedly, because they just aren’t that good – Mississippi State fell behind early and was never a threat to get into the game. Johnny Manziel continued his one-man assault on the Aggies’ offensive record books by running and passing for a combined 440 yards. Manziel and friends will have a chance to show the world how good the offense can be as Alabama awaits the Aggies this week.

15. South Carolina (did not play) – The only two teams to defeat the Gamecocks this season are likely on their way to BCS games, if not high-level New Year’s Day bowls. But despite that, Carolina seems destined for a third-place finish in its division. Such is life in the SEC East this season. At least Gamecock fans can take some solace in the fact that Tennessee seems no closer to turning things around this season and Carolina is all but guaranteed a spot in the top half of the division for at least a few more years. Carrying on without Marcus Lattimore and with no hope of playing for the conference title will be tough, but the Gamecocks can score some pride points with a win over Clemson in a few weeks.

16. Oregon State (defeated Arizona State 36-26) – The Beavers were discounted as an elite team when starting quarterback Sean Mannion was lost after five games. As it turns out, that might have been Oregon State’s best chance to keep going strong. Mannion’s four interceptions after returning from injury keyed the Beavers’ sole loss and Cody Vaz returned to the starting role to lead Oregon State past Arizona State and move to 3-0 as the starter. The quarterback shuffling has dropped the Beavers in the polls, but they’re still far from dead in the water. A tough matchup at Stanford awaits this week, but if Oregon State survives that, only Cal will stand between an Oregon/Oregon State showdown for the Pac-12 North title.

17. Stanford (defeated Colorado 48-0) – The Cardinal notched a nice little win against Colorado, but betting on a ranked team to beat Colorado is like betting on the sun to rise. The only concern that the Cardinal could have possibly had about Saturday’s game was the threat of injury. There have to be at least a dozen FCS teams that could play Colorado and Vegas would hand the Buffs some points. Stanford will now have to be at the top of its game if it wants to finish strong as Oregon State and Oregon are next up.

18. USC (lost to No. 2 Oregon 62-51) – The Trojans put up one heck of a fight, but couldn’t quite prevail in the annual Pac-12 track and field championships. What’s that?... Ok. We’re being told that Saturday’s spectacle was indeed a football game. Oregon’s offense continued to score at will, but USC deserves credit for finally looking like the offensive juggernaut that it was also supposed to be. Matt Barkley and Marquise Lee could suit up on Sundays and be a great QB-WR combo right now. Too bad that the Trojans are just now getting things going. Even a BCS bowl is looking bleak right now.

19. UCLA (defeated Arizona 66-10) – Oregon is the clear-cut king of the hill in the Pac-12, but the Bruins are making a late bid for the opportunity to be called the second best. Outside of the Ducks, there are few conference teams that have been able to blow up scoreboards at the same rate as UCLA. But then there is the absolutely indefensible 43-17 loss at Cal. Still, the Bruins are sitting pretty. With USC’s loss, the Bruins control their own destiny and can make a second – and this time, much less laughable – appearance in the Pac-12 title game in as many seasons.

20. Nebraska (defeated Michigan State 28-24) – It’s a long way from No. 6 Ohio State, but waaaaayyyy down here at No. 20 the Big Ten finally gets another team into the rankings. The Cornhuskers are in control of their own fate and will likely be able to win the conference championship game over whichever team comes in third place in the Leaders Division behind ineligible Ohio State and Penn State, but even that good news was barely enough to keep Nebraska going as it just barely squeaked by Michigan State last week. Once again, the Huskers’ offense and defense started the year in midseason form, only to get worse. Games against Iowa and Minnesota to end the season seem very winnable, but a stumble against Penn State this week could put Michigan and Northwestern back in the division race.

21. The Presidential Election (predicting a 305-233 victory for one of the candidates) – Who says that politics and sports can’t mix? President Obama may be awful at filling out his bracket each March, but at least he keeps Dick Vitale off the air for a few minutes each basketball season. As far as football goes, there’s one campaign promise that wasn’t broken. Obama stated in his Monday Night Football interview the night before the 2008 election that he wanted to see a playoff in the FBS. Four years later, the playoff is on its way. That’s one change we can all believe in.

22. Louisiana Tech (defeated Texas-San Antonio 51-27) – If only the Bulldogs could have held on to their 27 point lead over Texas A&M last month, they could be the “it” team for every analyst that loves to talk about BCS busters. Alas, that one loss – combined with the rotting used diaper that is the rest of the WAC – will probably keep Louisiana Tech from even making a New Year’s Day bowl game, much less the BCS. Still, the numbers that are being put up by the Bulldogs each week make for some nice decoration near the bottom of the top-25.

23. Northwestern (did not play) – Speaking of costly losses, a pair of blown fourth quarter leads is all that is keeping the Wildcats from being a near lock to make the Big Ten championship game. Northwester surrendered a double digit lead at Penn State early in October and couldn’t hang on to a 28-23 lead in the final minute against Nebraska. The Wildcats still have some hope as they can climb into second place in the Legends Division with a win over Michigan this week. That, combined with a Nebraska nose dive, could still put the Wildcats in position to make the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1995.

24. Texas (defeated Texas Tech 31-22) – Using the perfect cover of embarrassing back-to-back losses to West Virginia and Oklahoma, the Longhorns have stayed well under the radar while putting together a perfectly respectable season. There were rumors before the 2012 campaign started that Mack Brown might need to win 10 games in order to keep his job. Texas still needs three more victories to reach that mark, but has to be glad that it won’t head into late November still unsure as to whether or not it will get to a bowl. Games against Iowa State and TCU are winnable, but a regular season finale against Kansas State might send the Horns into the postseason on a very sour note.

25. Toledo (plays Ball State tonight) – There’s nothing quite like some Tuesday night MAC-tion that happens all throughout the college towns of the upper Midwest that somehow still have teams that are worse than their Big Ten counterparts. Toledo wasn’t impressing anybody by mowing down the Buffalos and directional Michigans of the world, but the Rockets caught everyone’s attention with their upset of then-unbeaten Cincinnati a few weeks ago. The USELESS Poll is looking forward to the Rockets’ final game of the regular season when they take on Akron. The reason for the interest is that we want to verify that the teams are, in fact, two separate football-playing schools. The teams are both from second-tier Ohio towns, share the same colors and even have similar aeronautical-themed nicknames (Rockets, Zips). We suspect that the MAC might be banking on the rest of the country’s indifference and is making up teams just to qualify for a money-making conference championship game.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northern Illinois, Oklahoma State, Ohio

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Rutgers, Michigan

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.