USELESS Poll: Week 10

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

In week 10, Jesus saved, ducks proved themselves to be the most dangerous animal on the planet and Goliath took a stone right between the eyes, but managed to stay on his feet.

Each of the nation’s top four teams either faced a great opponent or at least got a run for their money last week, but all managed to come out clean on the other side.

The haves are beginning to distance themselves from the have-nots, but the final few weeks of the regular season will bring about plenty of rivalry games that are always rife for a big upset. It’s a sprint to the finish, but we’re a long ways from being done.

1. Alabama (defeated No. 5 LSU 21-17) – After more than two months of pummeling inferior competition, the Crimson Tide finally ran up against an opponent that had the talent and the willingness to fight back. Alabama showed the same tough defense that took down LSU in last year’s national championship for the first three quarters, but finally blinked as the Tigers scored 14 unanswered points to take a late lead. In a fortunate twist of fate from last year’s regular season matchup between the two teams, it was a missed field goal by LSU that allowed the Tide to stay in the game and set the stage for the dramatic comeback win.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 16 USC 62-51) – Oregon set a new record for yards gained against USC… Then, the fourth quarter began. In keeping with the theme of its season, the Ducks’ offense continued to rack up yards, points and demoralized defenders at an unprecedented rate. The only wrinkle in this game is that the Oregon defense finally showed some give. USC scored 51, but to the Ducks’ credit, they never trailed and constantly came up with big turnovers when the Trojans threatened to get back into the game. These two teams may well have a rematch in the Pac-12 championship, but USC threw its best punch at home and it still wasn’t enough. There’s no reason for the Ducks to be any less than a 14-point favorite from now through the conference title game.

3. Kansas State (defeated Oklahoma State 44-30) – In the only top-4 game that wasn’t a nail-biter, the Wildcats were still on edge. Collin Klein spent most of the first three quarters doing the Collin Klein-esque things that are shaping up to win him a Heisman, but he also managed to injure his throwing hand. The good news is that KSU had already built a comfortable lead and that Klein was able to stay in the game and continue to hand the ball off. The bad news is that nobody within the Wildcats’ ranks is willing to give a straight answer about exactly how bad the injury was. The Wildcats are a solid, balanced team that can win with either offense or defense, but they need their Heisman hopeful quarterback to remain in the national title hunt.

4. Notre Dame (defeated Pittsburgh 29-26 in 3 OT) – After the huge win over Oklahoma and given the history of the last 20 or so years of Notre Dame football, was there ever really a doubt that the Fighting Irish would attempt to blow their own perfect season. Aside from managing to stay undefeated, the only positive that the Irish can take from their win over Pittsburgh is their contribution to the 2013 NCAA football encyclopedia in which that last game can be the new standard definition for “letdown game.” For as unnecessary as late offense against Pitt should have been, at least Notre Dame’s offense showed that it was capable of making big plays when it absolutely had to.

5. Georgia (defeated Ole Miss 37-10) – Much like the first part of Alabama’s schedule, Georgia’s matchups are a near cakewalk coming down the home stretch. The Bulldogs made the most out of their opportunity to get back into the SEC race with their upset win over Florida and now need only a win over an awful Auburn squad to punch their ticket to the conference championship game. Things are looking up for Georgia right now, but it might fall victim to the plight that the USELESS Poll predicted for it early in the year. If the Bulldogs run the table through the rest of the regular season, but lose the SEC title game, a 10-2 UGA squad will likely be shut out of the BCS as the Florida win would be its only victory over a ranked team.

6. Ohio State (defeated Illinois 52-22) – If Ohio State knows what is good for its long-term championship prospects, it should roll over and lose a few games down the stretch. The Buckeyes are easily the best team in the Big Ten, but that fact will only serve to make the conference look even more laughable as announcers spend all of November and December remarking on how two of the three or four best teams in the conference are ineligible. I know that losing to Michigan stings, but just do it for your own sake, OSU. If the Buckeyes make sure that they are the only Big Ten team in the rankings after this season, it’ll just be that much harder to get respect next season when they are capable of winning titles.

7. LSU (lost to No. 1 Alabama 21-17) – The Tigers drop a couple of spots in this week’s poll, but not simply because they lost. For 3 ½ quarters, LSU executed the exact type of game plan that is necessary to beat Alabama. The Tigers withstood the early onslaught of the Tide, then showed why many analysts said that they have the best defense in the country in keeping Alabama quiet for over 30 minutes of game time. And just when LSU had the lead and the ball in front of 90,000 indignant Cajuns, it totally rolled over. LSU couldn’t run out the clock and missed a field goal that would have put even more pressure on Alabama on its final drive, then played a soft defense that allowed the Tide to roll downfield. You don’t beat the No. 1 team by playing 59 minutes of good football.

8. Florida (defeated Missouri 14-7) – There is no doubting that the Gators have a top-notch defense, but there are better ways to prove that fact to the rest of the country than by threatening your defense with an offense that barely ever scores. The Gators needed every bit of that defensive effort to take out a Missouri squad that has just one SEC win and is trying to get settled back into its attack with James Franklin finally back under center. Apparently, last Saturday was National Screen Pass Day as both Florida and Alabama used the most innocent of passes to notch the winning points in their respective games.

9. Florida State (did not play) – A week after manhandling Duke, the Seminoles got a much deserved week off. FSU is still in line to play for the ACC championship – and will likely be favored by at least two touchdowns in the game – but has got to still be kicking itself over that N.C. State loss. Without that setback, the Noles would easily be in the top-5 and could at least have themselves in the national championship discussion. Florida State needs to make it back to a national championship game soon. We think that there would be a demand for a $59.99 Pay Per View high def feed into Bobby Bowden’s living room as he watches.

10. Clemson (defeated Duke 56-20) – Well, Duke. It was a good run you had going there. For a few glorious weeks, you reigned supreme over the gutted deer carcass that is the ACC’s Coastal Division. But the prospect of playing two teams that were actually good – and back-to-back, no less… THE HORROR!!! – was just too much for the Blue Devils to take. Apparently, we’ve found the solution to Clemson’s repeated letdowns once it reaches the top-10. If the rest of the conference is too horrible to take out FSU and give the Tigers another chance, then there is no need for Clemson to forget to show up and slip against a team like Duke. It’s a sad state of affairs that the ACC has two great teams, but that the division setup is going to relegate one to the Chick-fil-a bowl.

11. Louisville (defeated Temple 45-17) – Our long national nightmare has finally come to an end. Louisville finally covered a point spread and laid the wood on an inferior opponent. We’ve spent plenty of time this season wondering when the Cardinals would finally kick things into gear, but they’re now just three games away from a perfect season. Soon, the Cardinals will be able to entertain dreams of being the latest Big East champion to go undefeated before losing by 30 in a BCS bowl. Cincinnati, we’re looking in your direction.

12. This Space Intentionally Left Blank (because, c’mon… look at the rest of these teams) – The placeholder spot makes its triumphant return this week as the teams in the top-11 are clearly at a different level. Louisville probably isn’t quite as deserving of the “next level” status as the rest of those teams, but there is something to be said for maintaining a perfect record into the second week of November. Some of the teams throughout the rest of this week’s rankings may well catch fire and finish strong, but there are just too many 0 and 1 loss teams ahead of them for more than one or two of the rest of these to make a BCS game.

13. Oklahoma (defeated Iowa State 35-20) – The Sooners bounced back nicely from their loss to Notre Dame with a win on the road at Iowa State – a place where many teams find road trouble. Landry Jones continued Oklahoma’s offensive upswing that was momentarily stopped by the Irish’s punishing defense and has his team sitting at 4-1 in Big XII play. Oklahoma still has a few tough games remaining on its conference schedule, but nothing will really matter in terms of winning the conference unless Kansas State falls twice.

14. Texas A&M (defeated No. 25 Mississippi State 38-13) – In the battle for third-place bragging rights in the SEC West, it’ was never much of a contest. Perhaps still reeling from its loss to Alabama – or perhaps, as we’ve said repeatedly, because they just aren’t that good – Mississippi State fell behind early and was never a threat to get into the game. Johnny Manziel continued his one-man assault on the Aggies’ offensive record books by running and passing for a combined 440 yards. Manziel and friends will have a chance to show the world how good the offense can be as Alabama awaits the Aggies this week.

15. South Carolina (did not play) – The only two teams to defeat the Gamecocks this season are likely on their way to BCS games, if not high-level New Year’s Day bowls. But despite that, Carolina seems destined for a third-place finish in its division. Such is life in the SEC East this season. At least Gamecock fans can take some solace in the fact that Tennessee seems no closer to turning things around this season and Carolina is all but guaranteed a spot in the top half of the division for at least a few more years. Carrying on without Marcus Lattimore and with no hope of playing for the conference title will be tough, but the Gamecocks can score some pride points with a win over Clemson in a few weeks.

16. Oregon State (defeated Arizona State 36-26) – The Beavers were discounted as an elite team when starting quarterback Sean Mannion was lost after five games. As it turns out, that might have been Oregon State’s best chance to keep going strong. Mannion’s four interceptions after returning from injury keyed the Beavers’ sole loss and Cody Vaz returned to the starting role to lead Oregon State past Arizona State and move to 3-0 as the starter. The quarterback shuffling has dropped the Beavers in the polls, but they’re still far from dead in the water. A tough matchup at Stanford awaits this week, but if Oregon State survives that, only Cal will stand between an Oregon/Oregon State showdown for the Pac-12 North title.

17. Stanford (defeated Colorado 48-0) – The Cardinal notched a nice little win against Colorado, but betting on a ranked team to beat Colorado is like betting on the sun to rise. The only concern that the Cardinal could have possibly had about Saturday’s game was the threat of injury. There have to be at least a dozen FCS teams that could play Colorado and Vegas would hand the Buffs some points. Stanford will now have to be at the top of its game if it wants to finish strong as Oregon State and Oregon are next up.

18. USC (lost to No. 2 Oregon 62-51) – The Trojans put up one heck of a fight, but couldn’t quite prevail in the annual Pac-12 track and field championships. What’s that?... Ok. We’re being told that Saturday’s spectacle was indeed a football game. Oregon’s offense continued to score at will, but USC deserves credit for finally looking like the offensive juggernaut that it was also supposed to be. Matt Barkley and Marquise Lee could suit up on Sundays and be a great QB-WR combo right now. Too bad that the Trojans are just now getting things going. Even a BCS bowl is looking bleak right now.

19. UCLA (defeated Arizona 66-10) – Oregon is the clear-cut king of the hill in the Pac-12, but the Bruins are making a late bid for the opportunity to be called the second best. Outside of the Ducks, there are few conference teams that have been able to blow up scoreboards at the same rate as UCLA. But then there is the absolutely indefensible 43-17 loss at Cal. Still, the Bruins are sitting pretty. With USC’s loss, the Bruins control their own destiny and can make a second – and this time, much less laughable – appearance in the Pac-12 title game in as many seasons.

20. Nebraska (defeated Michigan State 28-24) – It’s a long way from No. 6 Ohio State, but waaaaayyyy down here at No. 20 the Big Ten finally gets another team into the rankings. The Cornhuskers are in control of their own fate and will likely be able to win the conference championship game over whichever team comes in third place in the Leaders Division behind ineligible Ohio State and Penn State, but even that good news was barely enough to keep Nebraska going as it just barely squeaked by Michigan State last week. Once again, the Huskers’ offense and defense started the year in midseason form, only to get worse. Games against Iowa and Minnesota to end the season seem very winnable, but a stumble against Penn State this week could put Michigan and Northwestern back in the division race.

21. The Presidential Election (predicting a 305-233 victory for one of the candidates) – Who says that politics and sports can’t mix? President Obama may be awful at filling out his bracket each March, but at least he keeps Dick Vitale off the air for a few minutes each basketball season. As far as football goes, there’s one campaign promise that wasn’t broken. Obama stated in his Monday Night Football interview the night before the 2008 election that he wanted to see a playoff in the FBS. Four years later, the playoff is on its way. That’s one change we can all believe in.

22. Louisiana Tech (defeated Texas-San Antonio 51-27) – If only the Bulldogs could have held on to their 27 point lead over Texas A&M last month, they could be the “it” team for every analyst that loves to talk about BCS busters. Alas, that one loss – combined with the rotting used diaper that is the rest of the WAC – will probably keep Louisiana Tech from even making a New Year’s Day bowl game, much less the BCS. Still, the numbers that are being put up by the Bulldogs each week make for some nice decoration near the bottom of the top-25.

23. Northwestern (did not play) – Speaking of costly losses, a pair of blown fourth quarter leads is all that is keeping the Wildcats from being a near lock to make the Big Ten championship game. Northwester surrendered a double digit lead at Penn State early in October and couldn’t hang on to a 28-23 lead in the final minute against Nebraska. The Wildcats still have some hope as they can climb into second place in the Legends Division with a win over Michigan this week. That, combined with a Nebraska nose dive, could still put the Wildcats in position to make the Rose Bowl for the first time since 1995.

24. Texas (defeated Texas Tech 31-22) – Using the perfect cover of embarrassing back-to-back losses to West Virginia and Oklahoma, the Longhorns have stayed well under the radar while putting together a perfectly respectable season. There were rumors before the 2012 campaign started that Mack Brown might need to win 10 games in order to keep his job. Texas still needs three more victories to reach that mark, but has to be glad that it won’t head into late November still unsure as to whether or not it will get to a bowl. Games against Iowa State and TCU are winnable, but a regular season finale against Kansas State might send the Horns into the postseason on a very sour note.

25. Toledo (plays Ball State tonight) – There’s nothing quite like some Tuesday night MAC-tion that happens all throughout the college towns of the upper Midwest that somehow still have teams that are worse than their Big Ten counterparts. Toledo wasn’t impressing anybody by mowing down the Buffalos and directional Michigans of the world, but the Rockets caught everyone’s attention with their upset of then-unbeaten Cincinnati a few weeks ago. The USELESS Poll is looking forward to the Rockets’ final game of the regular season when they take on Akron. The reason for the interest is that we want to verify that the teams are, in fact, two separate football-playing schools. The teams are both from second-tier Ohio towns, share the same colors and even have similar aeronautical-themed nicknames (Rockets, Zips). We suspect that the MAC might be banking on the rest of the country’s indifference and is making up teams just to qualify for a money-making conference championship game.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northern Illinois, Oklahoma State, Ohio

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Rutgers, Michigan

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.