USELESS Poll: Week 12

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

*Peeks head out from rubble

**Coughs up a lung

***Cowers at every small sound

Well… That week certainly put everyone on edge, didn’t it? Two weeks ago, all of the buzz was centered on four undefeated teams and how it was unlikely that any of them would falter. Now, aside from the ineligible Ohio State Buckeyes, just one team remains with an unblemished record.

For as much as the USELESS Poll dislikes the BCS format and would gladly advocate an 8 or even 16 team playoff to decide the national title, we’ll never doubt the system’s ability to create plenty of drama and chaos over the final weeks of the regular season. We’ll continue to dream that the current proposed playoff system expands to give the nation a month of top-notch, do-or-die college football, but until then, the entertainment is undeniable.

1. Notre Dame (defeated Wake Forest 38-0) – Somewhere, Mark May softly weeps himself to sleep. The Golden Domers are once again the top team in all the land. It’s been a long, strange trip to the top and for all of the close calls and criticism that the Fighting Irish have taken, their 11-0 record surpasses any negatives that can be thrown at them. On a day where two teams stumbled badly against teams that nobody figured to put up a huge challenge, Notre Dame has to be congratulated for taking it right to an overmatched opponent. Going into the week, the Irish were rooting for USC to play well as any strength of schedule boost would have helped in their three-horse race. Now, Notre Dame is thrilled to be the unanimous No. 1 with a deflated Trojan squad up next.

2. Alabama (defeated Western Carolina 49-0) – Despite Western Carolina’s best efforts to never get in their way on the path to the end zone, the Crimson Tide managed to show an incredible amount of mercy in only hanging 49 points on the Catamounts. The only real drama of the day came on Alabama’s first drive of the game. A friend of the poll made the bold statement that the Tide would score a touchdown in five plays. After three plays, the Tide were still hanging around their own 35. One huge play later, ‘Bama was at the WCU 1 and our friend started celebrating, only to have A.J. McCarron bobble the snap on the fifth play for a loss. It took six whole plays to reach the end zone. What a bunch of slackers.

3. Oregon (lost to No. 12 Stanford 17-14 in OT) – That little extra bit of spotlight might have been just enough to get the Ducks to crack. Oregon faced the best defense it has seen all season, but was stifled far more than anyone thought it would be. Everyone kept waiting for one of the Ducks’ bevy of playmakers to drop the hammer and start a huge run, but it just never happened. But for as disappointing as the offense was, the defense showed why Oregon is definitely an elite team. The Ducks took heat after giving up plenty of points against USC and were very banged up heading into the Stanford matchup, but stood up to the Cardinal’s power game. Oregon might not even make the Pac-12 title game, but there’s no use getting all riled up right now. As last week showed, anything can and will happen late in the season.

4. Georgia (defeated Georgia Southern 45-14) – We realize that we’re headquartered here in Georgia and have already hired extra operators to handle the increased volume of irate callers wanting to know why the Bulldogs haven’t jumped to at least No. 3 this week. The answer is simple, and it’s the same answer/problem that Georgia has faced all season. As of this moment, the Bulldogs have played all of two teams that have been ranked at any point this season. In one of those games, Georgia lost by 28. There’s just not enough of a body of work to put UGA anywhere near the national championship game. Even with a win over (we’ll assume) Alabama in the SEC championship game, Oregon – if it runs the table – will have an identical record, a much less embarrassing loss, and wins over six teams that have been in the poll this season.

5. Florida (defeated Jacksonville State 23-0) – The Gators didn’t look spectacular, but they still took care of business and never let Jacksonville State think that it was in the game for even a moment. With both Alabama and Georgia leading them in all polls, the Gators’ season now boils down to their annual showdown with Florida State. Both are back in the top-10 and its been a good, long while since this game has had the heavyweight clout that it used to command every year. Florida is almost certainly headed to a high-profile New Year’s Day bowl, but everything it has worked for will be vindicated or discredited against the Seminoles this week.

6. Ohio State (defeated Wisconsin 21-14) – After a few weeks of ridiculing Buckeye players for their free tattoos, we’ll now turn our attention to the OSU brass… *starts slow clap*. Way to go, guys. You sure hit the nail on the head with your handling of that scandal. Way to think short-term and go for a big bowl game money-grab last season, leaving your year of ineligibility for this year. So far, all that’s costing you is (looks at records and standings) probably a No. 2 ranking and an inside track to the national title game. On the plus side, knowing that there are no national implications is probably helping out Urban Meyer. The Buckeyes should be plenty good in 2013 and it’ll give Meyer’s fragile heart an extra year of recovery before the real stress hits.

7. LSU (defeated Mississippi 41-35) – The Tigers have been out of the national title discussion for a few weeks now, but they almost let things get really out of hand against Mississippi. In a mostly one-sided rivalry such as this one, it’s always dangerous when the dominant team comes into the game with little to play for. Ole Miss is having a good season by its own standards and a win over LSU would have been a cherry on top of the Rebels’ mediocrity sundae. Mississippi looked like the more prepared team throughout the night, but the Tigers finally figured out that they’re still a top-10 team sometime in the third quarter and sent the Rebels home unhappy once again.

8. Kansas State (lost to Baylor 52-24) – Look, Kansas State. We get it. Slip-ups happen, and sometimes they happen at the worst possible time. But here’s the thing. Slip-ups should look like Oregon’s nail-biting, heart-breaking, overtime loss to a pretty solid team. What slip-ups don’t look like is a four-touchdown implosion against a team that entered a mid-November matchup with a losing record. Poor Wildcats. We still remember how you guys should have played for the very first BCS championship game. All you had to do was beat a thoroughly outmanned Texas A&M team in the Big XII title game and you messed that up as well. Don’t get us wrong. You’re still great and we still love you. Maybe the football gods just have it in for you guys.

9. Stanford (defeated No. 1 Oregon 17-14 in OT) - The Cardinal upset their second Oregon-based opponent in as many weeks as they finally found a way to slow down the Ducks. Stanford really can’t get enough credit – not just for finding a way to disrupt the Oregon offense, but for being a constant, elite team in a conference that had it as mostly an afterthought heading into the season. Now, the Cardinal are one win away from clinching the Pac-12 North and playing for a trip to yet another BCS bowl appearance. Don’t look now, but Stanford is becoming a perennial power on the national scene.

10. Florida State (Defeated Maryland 41-14) – The fact that Maryland was down to a linebacker, a tight end and a particularly burly cheerleader on their quarterbacking depth chart was a cruel enough joke on an already bad team. What’s even worse was that the Terps’ schedule was backloaded with the best two teams in the ACC. Clemson crushed Maryland two weeks ago and the Seminoles brought more of the same last week. On the bright side, Maryland has announced that they’re getting out of the ACC and heading to the Big Ten, where it will get to suck and be pummeled in loads of exciting new places.

11. Texas A&M (defeated Sam Houston State 47-28) – The Aggies followed up one of the biggest wins in school history with a cakewalk over FCS Sam Houston State. This past week is yet another shining example of the maniacal minds that are running the SEC and gaining a monopoly on the college football world. Two years ago, the entire conference started playing FCS or low-level FBS games during the second or third week of November. Not only does this tactic give all of the teams a chance to heal up before their rivalry games, but it also eliminates the possibility of a late loss – which we all know are more damaging in the polls than early ones. With this setup, SEC teams can rest easy that even an early loss incurred by playing a tough September non-conference opponent can be wiped away by playing a lesser team late in the year and rooting for something crazy (like Oregon and Kansas State) to happen that will vault them up the polls.

12. Clemson (defeated N.C. State 62-48) – The Tigers were able to clear the hurdle that Florida State couldn’t, but will still be shut out of the ACC championship game. What’s even more enraging for the Clemson faithful is just how little it took to get into the title game on the other side of the conference. Florida State is 10-1 and a very deserving squad, but – thanks to Miami’s self-imposed postseason ban – 6-5 Georgia Tech is the team that has somehow emerged from the Coastal Division to take its swings at the Seminoles. If there’s a silver lining to all of this for the Tigers, a win over South Carolina this weekend would put them at 11-1 and – without a potential ACC championship loss to worry about – in prime position to get an at-large BCS bowl bid.

13. Oklahoma (defeated West Virginia 50-49) – We’re a little bit disappointed in Oklahoma. When you’re a proud football program with a tradition of a pounding offense and a hard-nosed defense, you aren’t supposed to let a flash-and-bread team like West Virginia drag you into playing their type of football. But there’s also something to be said for winning the types of games that you don’t excel at. The Sooners’ offense has been hit-and-miss all season, but rose to the occasion when the defense had an off day. A BCS bowl is looking unlikely for Oklahoma and many Sooner fans are probably still bummed that this team was rated so highly in August, but it’s been a solid year for the Sooners… so long as they don’t trip over Okie State.

14. UCLA (defeated No. 19 USC 38-28) – The USELESS Poll has given USC and all of its talent the benefit of a doubt all season, but UCLA kicked the Trojans out of the rankings with an impressive showing last week. Not only did the Bruins take down their bitter rivals to clinch the Pac-12 South, but they did so in a year where just about everybody figured that USC was head-and-shoulders above the competition. If not for that head-scratcher of a loss to Cal earlier in the year, the Bruins could be one of the teams in the BCS bowl discussion.

15. South Carolina (defeated Wofford 24-7) – As the fourth quarter began in Columbia on Saturday, you could probably hear a pin drop. Wofford gave the Gamecocks all they could handle and even though Carolina pulled away late, any crimson and white wearing fan would be lying if they said that they weren’t at least a little bit nervous. Near upsets from FCS schools aside, the Gamecocks just haven’t been the same since Lattimore’s injury. Carolina will get one more chance to impress before the bowl bids are handed out as it takes on Clemson in a rare meeting where both teams are in the top-15.

16. Computer rankings (dominating math-deficient analysts every season) – If you don’t like the current BCS standings, just hang around for 10 minutes or so. Each week, a new wrinkle in the process of determining the top teams seems to pop up as schools shuffle around the top of the rankings. One week, the computers will love a certain team. The next week, it’s the human polls that are giving another team an edge. The one constant is the hilarity that ensues when the former players who now serve as hosts on the myriad college football shows on ESPN fail to grasp exactly what the rankings and polls are trying to say and go on a two-minute tirade about how one team should be above another.

17. Oregon State (defeated California 62-14) – The Beavers so thoroughly demolished Cal last week that the denizens of Berkley actually managed to get fired up and sent longtime coach Jeff Tedford packing. Oregon State suffered a pair of losses that ruined their bid for a magical season, but it can still play spoiler. The Beavers have looked on all season as Oregon has gotten all of the press, but an upset of the Ducks would ensure that Oregon will be locked out of the Pac-12 title game and would erase any chance of the Ducks playing for a national championship. There’s nothing like an extra helping of spite during rivalry week.

18. Rutgers (defeated Cincinnati 10-3) – The Scarlet Knights will head to the Big Ten along with Maryland, officially leaving the Big East as a shriveled corpse of its former self in a couple of years. We still aren’t sure how the auto bids will work out in the new playoff format, but it seems as though the Big East will be left to fend with the other middling conferences for whatever minor bowls and fringe media coverage is available after the Big Ten, SEC, etc. are through with it. In one of the final years of its national relevance, the Big East comes down to this week’s Rutgers/Louisville game in what could provide the answer to a future trivia question of ‘Who was the last Big East team to play in a major bowl?’

19. Nebraska (defeated Minnesota 38-14) – Nebraska got one step closer to playing for its first Big Ten title last week as the Cornhuskers easily blew past the Golden Gophers. Only a major faceplant will prevent Nebraska from reaching the title game as hapless Iowa is the final team on its schedule and a Michigan loss to Ohio State would also automatically send the Huskers to the championship game. Much like UCLA, Nebraska is one baffling loss from being a major player. Ohio State is good and all, but Nebraska has no business giving up 68 points and that one awful night of defense – combined with an exponentially more awful conference schedule – will keep the big bowls away from the Huskers unless they win the Big Ten.

20. Texas (did not play) – The Longhorns nearly got a courtesy bump into this week’s poll. Texas had a week off, but lost legendary coach and stadium namesake Darrell Royal. The Longhorns have had a very good season with a few impressive wins, but have always lost at just the wrong time to lose either favoritism in the poll and/or solid footing within the Big XII. The Longhorns have a chance to move as high as second in the conference with wins over TCU and Kansas State in the final weeks, but the real tragedy here is the team that Texas doesn’t play. By all accounts, Texas A&M’s move to the SEC has worked out great, but the day after Thanksgiving just won’t be the same without Texas and Texas A&M squaring off. For shame, conference realignment. Stop ruining America.

21. Michigan (defeated Iowa 42-17) – As one close friend of the USELESS Poll put his beloved Iowa Hawkeyes’ performance – “I don’t think that Iowa could be a worse team if they let me play for them.” Michigan’s defense put forth a great effort as Iowa completed a grand total of two passes to wide receivers while seemingly every Wolverine that caught a pass had 20 yards to roam free after the catch. Michigan still has an outside shot at the Big Ten championship game, but the bigger victory will be finding a way to beat Ohio State for a second consecutive season. Neither team is headed for anything special, so another win in the 116 year old rivalry is worth much more than any conference championship or Rose Bowl bid.

22. Kent State (defeated Bowling Green 31-24) – Here is an exhaustive list of everything the USELESS Poll knows about Kent State: They call themselves the Golden Flashes, they’re an impressive 10-1, and ‘Four Dead in Ohio’ is an awesome song…. And there you have it. The Golden Flashes have already secured a spot in the MAC championship game, which is an annual guilty pleasure of the USELESS Poll. There are usually two solid teams in the MAC title game, but just one semi-relevant bowl that only the winner will advance to. Kent State and Northern Illinois will play the rolls of the quality teams this season and we can’t wait for the Nov. 30 showdown.

23. Boise State (defeated Colorado State 42-14) – Everybody’s favorite Cinderella breaks back into the poll after the Broncos easily dispatched Colorado State. Boise will clinch at least a share of the Mountain West title if it can beat Nevada this week. San Diego State and Fresno State could combine to make it a three-way tie at the top of the conference standings, but – quite frankly – we aren’t paid enough to figure out three-way tiebreakers in non-BCS conferences. Let’s just say that they’ll all compete in a three-legged race in which the winner gets the non-New Year’s Day bowl bid that is the most desirable in terms of viewership.

24. Louisville (did not play) – Kudos to the Cardinals. Louisville is one of only 13 teams that has made the top-25 in every USELESS Poll to date. We realize that it is a week too early to be congratulating the Cardinals for this feat, but we have no doubt that the habitual readers of this poll know that this is just another shot fired in the constant psychological warfare between us and Louisville. Everything comes down to this week. A Louisville win will give it a Big East Championship, a BCS bowl bid and a top-20 ranking. A loss will give us reason to finally drop the Cardinals from the rankings. Game on.

25. Thanksgiving leftovers (defeats Thanksgiving dinner by one three-hour parade) – The only thing better than stuffing your face for ten hours while watching football on Thanksgiving day is stuffing your face for ten hours while watching football AND NOT WORRYING ABOUT COOKING OR ENTERTAINING RELATIVES. There is no shortage of great football on Black Friday and – if you’re like the USELESS Poll household – there is also no shortage of leftover food. So sleep in until noon, don’t put on pants all day, grab a case of your favorite beer, and commence with more football watching while the lady-folk are buying you awesome Christmas presents.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northern Illinois, Arizona, Washington

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Utah State, Oklahoma State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.