USELESS Poll: Week 11

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

As if preparing for the hustle and bustle of the upcoming holidays wasn’t enough, college football went absolutely insane last week.

In addition to Alabama getting knocked off of its perch at the top of the poll, four other teams – including one of the remaining undefeateds – from last week’s poll took a tumble.

With Alabama’s loss, the last few weeks should be chaos, no matter how things play out. We could be treated to three undefeated teams jumping up and down among the top two BCS slots as tiny variables change. And if two of them happen to lose at some point, the race to be the one-loss team that reaches the title game will be crazy.

1. Oregon (defeated California 59-17) – The king is dead. Long live the king. For weeks, the Ducks have been compiling the sort of resume that top-ranked teams are made of, but were held back by Alabama’s refusal to show even a crack in its armor. That all changed last week as the Tide was washed away by Texas A&M. Taking full advantage of its good fortune, Oregon went out and did what Oregon does – put an absurd about of offense/points on the board. The Ducks had to keep their starters on the field for the second consecutive week, but perhaps that’s a good thing. In a home stretch that could contain a rematch with USC and (Oregon hopes) a national championship appearance, the Ducks will need 60 good minutes of football to remain at the top of the mountain.

2. Kansas State (defeated TCU 23-10) – In stark contrast to Oregon’s style of play, America’s quieter and more reserved great team also kept rolling along as Kansas State navigated around a tricky trip to TCU without much trouble. The Wildcats don’t run the blur offense of Oregon and they certainly don’t adorn themselves in whatever Technicolor dreamcoats that Phil Knight thinks up during his weekly LSD bender, but there can be no doubting that KSU is a dominant team. Heisman favorite Collin Klein was injured in K-State’s win two weeks ago, but he remained in the lineup against TCU and turned in 195 total yards and a pair of rushing touchdowns. Having beaten Texas Tech and TCU, the Wildcats can complete a Texas state championship – and an undefeated regular season – with wins over Baylor and Texas in the final two weeks.

3. Notre Dame (defeated Boston College 21-6) – Some critics will probably get on Notre Dame for not blowing out hapless Boston College, but after the close call against Pitt in which the Irish trailed nearly all the way, ND did exactly what it wanted to do. The Irish took their first possession on a long, grinding drive, scored a touchdown, and never looked back. Notre Dame isn’t going to put up 50 points (or 40… or 30, for that matter) on many teams, but there is no denying that the Irish are a scary team to face once they have a lead. Another seemingly easy win awaits next week before College Gameday sets up a cavalcade of alums to run out on stage during the pregame for ND/USC.

4. Alabama (lost to No. 14 Texas A&M 29-24) – Ok. So the king isn’t quite dead. But Alabama took a pretty nice haymaker across its cheek. Alabama still controls its own destiny as far as an SEC title and a BCS bowl appearance are concerned, but the Tide now needs some help if it wants to get back to the national championship game. Texas A&M finally pulled off what so many others failed to do. The Aggies hit ‘Bama early and often and knocked the Tide off of their game. To its credit, Alabama regrouped and nearly won anyways, but that was the first game in two years that the Tide hasn’t played on its own terms. An opponent forced the game to play fast and loose – one of the few things that the Tide can’t do better than everyone else in the country.

5. Georgia (defeated Auburn 38-0) – The Bulldogs punched their ticket to the SEC championship game in style as they laid waste to Auburn – kicking the Tigers when they were down as any good rival would do. The UGA offense has finally matured and the defense is a much stingier unit than the Bulldogs showed for the first two months of play. Of course, this could all be just a setup for another letdown by an SEC East champ. South Carolina was decimated by LSU last year and UGA didn’t fare much better against Alabama the year before. The Bulldogs have fought hard to get back into BCS contention after their loss to South Carolina, but if they don’t bring their ‘A’ game to the Georgia Dome in December, they might just play their way right back out of the BCS running.

6. LSU (defeated Mississippi State 37-17) – As if the ship hadn’t already sailed on them, the MSU Bulldogs continued to show just how little they were challenged in their first seven games. A night game in Death Valley – especially after LSU’s heartbreaker the week before – was a recipe for disaster for the Bulldogs. Ole Miss and Arkansas had better watch out as the ass-kickings being dealt out by LSU will only increase in intensity now that the SEC West is now possibly back in play. As for MSU, well, the winning was fun while it lasted. At least Auburn has now put an extra team in between the Bulldogs and the division basement.

7. Ohio State (did not play) – A friend of the USELESS Poll was talking to us the other day. He is almost done with college and, after three years of scraping by on financial aid and countless ramen-based meals, has finally found himself a real job. Now that he’s got a steady paycheck coming in, his first move was to accomplish his lifelong goal of getting a tattoo. After showing the base (apparently, these things get done in sessions – we don’t know. We’re just here for sports), he showed drawings for the finished design. Then he said that the final product will end up costing over $500. No wonder those Buckeyes were trading memorabilia for free tats. That’s insane. I mean, the art looked good and all, but at those prices, there are millions of middle school-aged girls armed to the teeth with colorful pens that are going to town on their own arms everyday while not realizing that they’re sitting on a gold mine.

8. Texas A&M (defeated No. 1 Alabama 29-24) – Johnny. Freaking. Football. One more outburst like that and Johnny Manziel is going to claim the copyright to “My God, he’s only a freshman!” Seriously. For the better part of two years, Alabama has mercilessly beaten the crap out of anybody and everybody who has gotten in its way. Manziel responded to that incredible task with a resounding “Meh.” So much for some SEC fans who wondered whether either of the conference’s new members would be able to hack it. Texas A&M is more than capable of being a power in its first season in the SEC and will have the conference’s best quarterback until Manziel decides to move on.

9. Florida State (defeated Virginia Tech 28-22) – The Seminoles flirted with disaster, but were able to pull out a Thursday night win in Lane Stadium – something that rarely ever happens for opponents of Virginia Tech. FSU looked like it was stuck in second gear for most of the night and seemingly tried to throw the game away all by itself with that horrible safety in the fourth quarter, but turned things around just in time. The only thing more entertaining than watching the final five or so minutes of this game would have been watching a bar full of Clemson fans look on as their team watched its last best chance to win the division take an innocent five-yard slant half the length of the field for a touchdown.

10. Florida (defeated Louisiana-Lafayette 27-20) – Hey, Florida Gators. You got a minute? Take a seat. We need to have a talk. We want to know what’s going on in your life. Listen, you’re a good kid, Florida. You’ve made good grades throughout the entire season and tons of people saw exactly what you’re capable of when you marched into LSU and knocked them from the top of the rankings. Things didn’t quite turn out for you in the SEC East. We get it. But that’s no reason to act out like this. You’re underachieving in nearly every facet of the game. You’re hanging out with teams like Louisiana-Lafayette right in the middle of the conference schedule. According to the box score, you haven’t even been attending the first half of your last two games. We don’t want to threaten you with missing a bowl or anything. That wouldn’t be fair, given how much you’ve achieved. But there’s a big game coming up against Florida State pretty soon and you need to be prepared. Until then, we’re taking your car away.

11. Clemson (defeated Maryland 45-10) – The Maryland Terrapins are officially the NCAA sad-sack story of the year on the football field. Already a threat to absolutely nobody – even in the abysmal ACC – the Terps managed to lose the first four quarterbacks on their depth chart over the course of their first seven games. There wasn’t even a drug problem or academic scandal involved. All of those guys just couldn’t stay healthy. Now, Maryland is taking linebackers and tight ends off of the scout team and trying to make a Division I quarterback out of them. In the movies, this would be the part where the Terps salvage some pride as the team and fans unite behind the down-on-his-luck, not-a-chance-in-hell replacement and the Terps take down the No. 1 school in the country. Instead, No. 9 Florida State will probably bash Maryland’s skull into the ground and maybe make it down to the sixth or seventh spot on the QB depth chart.

12. Stanford (defeated No. 16 Oregon State 27-23) – With the respective successes and struggles of Oregon and USC, Stanford has quietly remained as a Pac-12 contender and one of the better teams in the nation. The Cardinal’s only two losses include a Thursday night game on the road in front of 70,000 crazy Washington fans in Seattle and an overtime heartbreaker at still-unbeaten Notre Dame. But now comes the ultimate test. Stanford travels to Oregon this week and, while a win would put the Cardinal in line to win the Pac-12 North, the defense will have to bump up its effectiveness by about 1000% to keep up with the Ducks.

13. Oklahoma (defeated Baylor 42-34) – The Sooners continued their second half surge with another big offensive performance against Baylor. You’ve got to give Oklahoma some credit for continuing to put up wins this season. The Sooners were almost immediately put behind the 8-ball with a few shaky wins and the home loss to Kansas State. It quickly became clear that K-State wasn’t going to slip up and let Oklahoma back into the division race, but the Sooners have been able to maintain a high level of play since that upset loss. With games remaining against West Virginia, Oklahoma State and TCU – all teams that have hovered either just inside or outside of the polls – a 3-0 finish and an upset or two could have the Sooners challenging for an at-large BCS bid.

14. South Carolina (defeated Arkansas 38-20) – Remember when the burning question heading into the season was whether one division of the SEC had the best three teams in the entire country? What an overreaction that was. Arkansas came out of the gates wobbly, went straight downhill from there, got things together for about two weeks, and has now fallen right back off of the cliff. The funny thing is that the prognosticators were almost sort of right. If not for Carolina beating UGA so badly and if the Gamecocks could have knocked off LSU, it’s entirely possible that Georgia, Florida and South Carolina could have at least all shoehorned their way into the top-5 of a single week’s poll.

15. Bonfires (defeats sweating it out during summer tailgating 100-0) – There is likely no greater achievement for manliness than the bonfire. While most of us have wives and girlfriends to go home to and all of us have a warm bed awaiting us at the end of these chilly fall days, we have somehow turned venturing out into the cold for the sole purpose of drinking beer and burning things into a social event. USELESS Poll headquarters has a 55-inch, high-def television with any sport you could ever dream of within the range of the remote, but even that is no match for a phone call promising a bonfire and a six-pack in exchange for sitting outside for three hours. Maybe it’s a primal instinct thing. It could also be that the USELESS Poll’s TV and DVR is sometimes preoccupied with a “Keeping up with the Kardashians” marathon, courtesy of the estrogen-infused half of USELESS headquarters, but that’s another story.

16. Nebraska (defeated Penn State 32-23) – With the success of UCLA this season, Nebraska’s early season loss to the Bruins is looking much more excusable. The Cornhuskers might even crack the top-15 if not for that embarrassing 63-38 loss to Ohio State. To their credit, the Huskers have rebounded nicely. A division championship and a spot in the Big Ten championship game seem all but imminent with just Minnesota and Iowa in its way, but Nebraska could have been so much better than what it currently is.

17. UCLA (defeated Washington State 44-36) – The Bruins maintained their spot atop the Pac-12 South with a win over Washington State last week. This week’s showdown with USC will decide the Pac-12 South, and that’s exactly how things should be. Both of these schools are in Los Angeles – a far better alternative to the bitterly cold power schools up north or the oppressive summer heat found in SEC country. There is no reason that USC should have been the only good LA school for most of the last 20 years, especially when UCLA’s Pasadena location is the nicer of the two schools. The Arizona schools can easily compete with the Trojans and Bruins for best party school and hottest co-eds, but there is no good reason that any of the six Pac-12 teams other than USC and UCLA should ever draw the most talent.

18. Rutgers (defeated Army 28-7) – After Louisville’s fall from grace, Rutgers regains the Big East’s token spot in the top-20. The Scarlet Knights had a difficult schedule in that they played nearly their entire conference slate before most Big East teams were halfway through, but all of that trouble is now paying off as Rutgers sits at the top of the conference while everyone else beats up on each other. Quick side note about a former Rutgers guy… Many have speculated that Greg Schiano is a bit of a tool after a few fiery run-ins as head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The USELESS Poll is friends with the head of Rutgers’ sports information department and was told of Schiano’s $1000 Christmas present to the guy and his wife upon the Knights’ first ever BCS bowl bid. Not a life-changing amount, but certainly a class gesture for a guy that is usually considered to think about nothing but football 24/7.

19. USC (defeated Arizona State 38-17) – For every two steps back that the Trojans take, they can at least be counted on to immediately take a step or two forward. USC has put up over 90 points in the last two weeks and is finally (now that a BCS bid will only come through a conference championship) looking like the juggernaut that so many people expected it to be. This year is looking like a reversal of roles. For so many seasons, Notre Dame has struggled through mediocrity in hopes of a marquee win over USC to hang its hat on. Now, it looks like the biggest thing that the Trojans will be able to celebrate is upsetting a BCS-bound Irish squad.

20. Oregon State (lost to No. 17 Stanford 27-23) – The magic has officially run out for the Beavers. No matter which quarterback wins the weekly game of musical chairs and gets the starting role, the defense that had driven the Beavers’ hot start has started digging holes that the offense can’t fix. Oregon State is a perfectly good B-plus team, but just doesn’t have the talent to be a player at the national level. Just face the facts, Beavers. You’re never going to reach the top of the mountain. Nike is headquartered in your town and you still can’t be the ‘it’ school in the boring-ass state of Oregon. That might wear on your nerves a bit, but don’t worry. Washington is just a few hours away and we hear that they have just legalized something that might take the edge off.

21. Louisiana Tech (defeated Texas State 62-55) – The Bulldogs hang around and the USELESS Poll’s favorite novelty attraction. It’s impressive that Louisiana Tech’s offense can put up so many points on such a consistent basis, but this is a team that is actually deserving of the criticism of not being able to compete against top teams that so many other non-BCS schools have endured. In addition to blowing a huge lead against one of the three BCS teams that they have faced, the Bulldogs have also given up 30 or more points to the likes of UNLV, Rice, Houston, Virginia, and now Texas State. At least when teams like Boise State and TCU were making their run at being a BCS buster, they consistently wiped lesser teams off of the map instead of just winning track meets.

22. Tiebreakers (defeating a few teams that couldn’t be bothered to defeat enough of the rest of the competition throughout the rest of the season) – There are few things in this world that are worse than a sister-kissin’ tie. Isn’t that the whole point of sports?... To conclude who is objectively better at doing something? Thankfully, college football has a straightforward overtime rule that has banned the tie, but other levels of football need to take heed. Just last week an NFL game somehow ended in a tie while countless numbers of high school region races were settled by things as ambiguous as a coin flip. We get it. Ties will sometimes happen, but that should inspire greatness to shine rather than a dull coin flip or the comparison of similar opponents. In all instances of a tie, the respective principals/athletic directors/team presidents should step forward. The first one to correctly guess the number between 1 and 1,000 that the USELESS Poll is thinking of wins whatever prize or position we’re bickering about.

23. Texas Tech (defeated Kansas 41-34) – Back-to-back losses against Kansas State and Texas knocked the Red Raiders out of contention for any major bowls, but they were able to get their act together just in time to squeak out a win against the abysmal Jayhawks. Tommy Tuberville has to be loving life right now. He was exiled to Lubbock, only to make Texas Tech a perennial top-25 team while Auburn – which couldn’t wait to get rid of him – is in shambles. What are the odds that he tries to come back when Chizik gets the heave-ho? Maybe all of the losing for Auburn is a clever ploy. After all, if the Tigers never win, nobody will be able to finish off those trees with a well-placed roll of toilet paper.

24. Michigan (defeated No. 23 Northwestern 38-31) – The Wolverines kept their Big Ten title hopes alive with a comeback win over Northwestern and kicked the Wildcats out of this week’s poll while finally climbing back into the rankings. There’s no doubting that Michigan got steamrolled by Alabama in the season opener, but that 13-6 loss to Notre Dame is certainly looking respectable and a loss at Nebraska is nothing to be ashamed of. The Wolverines have quietly become a decent team, but we’re reluctant to rank them any higher due to the general awfulness of their conference competition. But if Michigan finds away to beat Ohio State, all bets are off. Also, how long has Shoelace Robinson been at Michigan? It seems like 10 years. And why don’t we call him Shoelace anymore? Did he finally figure out how the rabbit goes around the bush or however that goes?

25. Louisville (lost to Syracuse 45-26) – Obviously, Louisville’s only purpose in this world is to be the bane of the USELESS Poll’s existence. We spent half of the year criticizing the Cardinals, finally gave in and conceded that just barely beating bad teams was their own special brand of football, then watched in horror as Syracuse absolutely thumped them. What the hell, guys? There’s just no winning with you. But now the joke is on you. You’re the one that is no longer in line to walk right into a BCS game. But we know you too well, Louisville. We fully expect to give you crap for another week, only to see you upset Rutgers and win the Big East anyway.

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northern Illinois, Wisconsin, UCF

Teams that are probably Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Kent State, Oklahoma State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.