USELESS Poll: Week 4

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

OK, everyone. Settle down and take your seats. Your homework for tonight is to write 500 words about what you did on your vacation from college football last week. You can talk about getting some of that yard work done. You can talk about spending quality time with your kids. Maybe you took one final trip to the beach.

But don’t you dare talk about watching last week’s games. That was an affront to all that is good with the sport. Suffering through those games shouldn’t award you with some sort of badge of honor. You might have something seriously wrong with you if you watched four quarters of one of the dozen or so teams that got railroaded by more than 30 points.

For those of you who are sensible and stepped away from things for a week, here’s where we stand:

1. Alabama (defeated Colorado State 31-6) – That certainly wasn’t Alabama’s best effort. Then again, it would have been impossible to expect the Crimson Tide to come with their ‘A’ game after surviving World War III in College Station the week before. Bama has spent the last two years fending off the best teams in the nation and has made an absolute joke out of some other very good teams. If not for the offensive outburst a week ago, there might be some questions as to how explosive the Tide can be. A little more consistency would be nice, but there is no doubting that it’ll be pretty much impossible to take down Alabama on a good day.

2. Oregon (did not play) – There’s no getting around it. Last week’s slate of games was about as bad as the NCAA could have possibly provided to the general public. There was only one matchup between top-25 teams and even that turned into a rout. No team even came close to pulling an upset and – despite plenty of point spreads venturing north of 30 and 40 points – there weren’t too many heavy favorites that failed to cover. It’s entirely possible that by facing their own backups in a Saturday practice during their bye week, the Oregon Ducks faced the toughest test of any top-10 team last week.

3. Clemson (defeated N.C. State 26-14) – It’s probably a sign that we here at the USELESS Poll are falling behind the times, but up until last week, we had never even heard that the art of ‘Clemsoning’ had become a slang term for building yourself up only to suffer catastrophic and heartbreaking defeat. All hilarity aside, Clemson seems determined to buck the trend. The Tigers looked solid in their win over N.C. State and were never in any danger of pulling a Clemson despite the margin of just 12 points. Of course, this could just be setting up the greatest tragedy of all. How devastating would it be if the Tigers finally put it all together, avoided every pitfall and misstep, then watched helplessly as Oregon and Alabama ran their respective tables and shut Clemson out of title contention just a year before the playoff system kicks in? … Classic Clemson.

4. Ohio State (defeated Florida A&M 76-0) – It was a really classy move for the Buckeyes to refrain from scoring 100 points against the Rattlers. Even more impressive was when OSU came out of the locker room for the second half and still refused to take the score up to triple digits. It’s understandable that some FCS and lower FBS schools feel the need to supplement their athletic budgets by playing the role of sacrificial lamb in exchange for some quick cash from a national power, but this is really getting out of hand. The good news in college football is that – due to increased television coverage – more teams than ever can build a presence and be competitive. The bad news is that the have-nots are now farther behind than ever. If school presidents and athletic directors are going to send their teams to get slaughtered, they should be forced to stand on the sidelines with those kids the entire game.

5. Louisville (defeated Florida International 72-0) – Teddy Bridgewater isn’t going to face much competition this year that won’t make him look like the best quarterback in the nation, but a lack of competition on the Cardinals’ schedule shouldn’t be a negative for Teddy. After all, the nation has already seen him utterly dismantle a Florida team that was ranked No. 3 and had one of the top defenses in the country last season. Right now, Bridgewater is on pace to finish the regular season with almost 3,700 passing yards, 42 touchdowns, and just 3 interceptions. That’s pretty good against a practice squad, much less actual teams from *checks with sources* what we’re still obligated to call a BCS conference.

6. Stanford (defeated Arizona State 42-28) – Stanford started the season out slow, but announced its presence with authority as the Pac-12 schedule got underway. A few teams in the conference – like the Sun Devils – seem to be complacent with the Pac-12’s old reputation for wide open offense, no defense, and 50-49 shootouts each week. We’re not sure why that thinking still persists with some teams (also looking at you, Arizona, USC, and Washington State), but Stanford couldn’t be doing any more to teach its rivals how beneficial a running game and a strong defense can be. Even the high-octane offense of Oregon is predicated on controlling the line of scrimmage, running the ball, and getting some early defensive stops.

7. Texas A&M (defeated SMU 42-13) – After their crucial loss to Alabama, the Aggies jumped back in the saddle by trampling all over the Mustangs. SMU faces another tough game this week against TCU, but then jumps into Zombie Big East play. For all the years of awful football following its death penalty, SMU is finally a stable – if not noteworthy – program. Heck, the Mustangs are even winning bowl games nowadays. Working in tandem with that death penalty was SMU’s exclusion when the Big XII was formed, forcing the once powerful Mustangs into the dreaded abyss of the lower tier conferences of FBS competition. And so it finally comes about that SMU is once again in a position to win its conference and play for a major bowl. That isn’t going to happen, but we can still dream.

8. LSU (defeated Auburn 35-21) – It wasn’t a blowout, but LSU certainly stated its case as an elite team in last weekend’s win over Auburn. The Tigers have been too consistent on offense for anything to be a fluke and the defense looked as stingy as any in the nation until allowing a late score after the game was well in hand. Now comes the biggest test so far. Zach Mettenberger returns to UGA, the school that thought he’d be its Aaron Murray before Aaron Murray stepped in to fill that role. Mettenberger currently leads all SEC quarterbacks in pass efficiency and might be able to take advantage of a Bulldog defense that still lacks experience. If LSU wins and this week proves to be a stepping stone on the way to a conference title for the Tigers, Mettenberger might have to go back to that bar in Valdosta and thank the victims of his sexual assault charges for getting his career on the right path.

9. Georgia (defeated North Texas 45-21) – The final score looked good enough, but UGA can’t be happy with how its cupcake went down last week. North Texas was thoroughly outclassed by Georgia, but still managed to hang tough for three quarters. Sure, much of that was due to special teams play – which can be a bit fluky – but the Mean Green also put a damper on the Bulldogs’ potent offense for much of the day. It’s entirely possible that UGA just had a bad day. In fact, it’s probable. No one seriously thinks that North Texas would fare any better than 45-21 if given another dozen chances. But UGA needs to make that its only lackluster effort of the season. If the Bulldogs try to pull a stunt like that against LSU, it won’t end well.

10. Florida State (defeated Bethune-Cookman 54-6) – Of all the absolute beat-downs dealt out last week, the Seminoles were the most humanitarian in the process. In a stunning diversion from the superhuman form that he showed in his first two games, Jameis Winston was simply good. Tragically, his 10-for-19 performance through the air left him with more incomplete passes this year than touchdown passes – the first time he’s crossed that border. Much like Clemson, FSU is simply in cruise control until the two teams meet up for their regularly scheduled showdown that will serve as a de facto mid-October ACC title game. A tougher schedule gets Clemson the nod for now, but perhaps the easy road has kept the ‘Noles from showing just how strong they can be.

11. UCLA (defeated New Mexico St. 59-13) – Stanford and Oregon have hogged the headlines for the last couple of years, but it’s safe to say that there is a third heavyweight in the Pac-12. It’s amazing how fast the power has changed hands in the greater Los Angeles area. Instead of USC starting as a powerhouse with UCLA in the basement and both slowly moving in different directions, everything has flip-flopped over the course of two seasons. Seemingly from out of nowhere, the Bruins are now the program with a Heisman-caliber quarterback and sights set on the BCS while the Trojans are getting all they want from teams like Utah State.

12. Oklahoma State (did not play) – After a knock-down, drag-out fight against Lamar, the Cowboys got a hard-earned week off. This week, OSU begins its Big XII schedule against a West Virginia team that is coming off of a pummeling at the hands of Maryland. What the hell happened to West Virginia? A month into last season, people were wondering if it was even possible to slow the Mountaineers down – much less stop them. Sure, Geno Smith and Steadman Bailey are gone, but you’d think that a school that has been known for its high-scoring and wide-open attack for almost a decade would have been able to find some semblance of an offensive threat even after a large senior class sees its way to the door.

13. The extra hour of College Gameday (defeating previously scheduled programming) – There’s only one thing that could have possibly been better than the two hours of college football pregame that has pumped over the ESPN airwaves for the last 15 or so years… and that’s THREE hours of the same thing. And don’t try to tell us that it was like this last year. Erin Andrews wanted her own show, despite any talent other than looking good, and probably would have found a way to sue ESPN for that little peephole video if she didn’t get her own platform. Luckily, Andrews moved on and the mothership knows how to take advantage of a good situation.

14. South Carolina (did not play) – There is no doubting that the Gamecocks are running an absurd amount of raw talent out onto the field each week. That said, the frequent shortcomings and near misses that wedge themselves into EVERY SINGLE South Carolina season are just too glaring to view them as a legitimate national title contender. The Gamecocks are already behind the 8-ball after their loss to Georgia and will need a ton of help over the last two-thirds of the season if UGA takes down LSU this week.

15. Miami (FL) (defeated Savannah State 77-7) – Shame on the Hurricanes for the sham of a game they actually charged people to attend. This is on the same level as the travesty that went on up at Ohio State. Games against FCS giants or struggling FBS programs are one thing – at least there is a somewhat level playing field in terms of talent or scholarship numbers. But to invite in the worst of the worst from a level of play that is already significantly lower is just ridiculous. The Hurricanes have enough trouble getting their fair-weather fans to come out and watch big games. Why waste a home date with an absolute throwaway?

16. Northwestern (defeated Maine 35-21) – The Wildcats didn’t look great in pounding out a win over Maine, but Northwestern might finally be rounding the injury-filled corner that it has been suffering through for the last few weeks. The Cats get the benefit of a doubt in the rankings going into their bye week, but we suggest that they get back on their ‘A’ game in a hurry as Ohio State awaits on Oct. 5. If Northwestern can find a way to win that showdown, the sky is the limit. All that would be keeping the Wildcats from the Legends Division (seriously… what the hell was the Big Ten thinking?) title is an inconsistent Michigan squad, a Michigan State team that can’t get a first down, and a Nebraska team that might be too wound up in watching Bo Pelini fistfight the entire city of Lincoln.

17. Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners drop a spot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We could only sift through so many teams taking the week off or playing absolute tomato cans before we just got sick of it. This really was the worst week of college football is a long, LONG time. We should just do a little planning and avoid these boring weeks. These lopsided non-conference games should only take place on the first weekend of the season or the weekend before Thanksgiving – right before the big rivalry games. Half play early. Half play later in the year. Both times, the public at least has a handful of watchable games to choose from.

18. Washington (defeated Idaho State 56-0) – The Huskies have come a long way from the absolute doormat they had become at the end of the last decade. Poor Jake Locker came in as one of the best freshman quarterbacks in the nation, then watched everything fall apart around him for three years. But those days are long gone in Seattle. Unfortunately for Washington, its newly revived program won’t even be the hottest ticket in town this weekend as Stanford takes on Washington State at Quest Field (We think that’s what the Seahawks’ stadium is named. We don’t know. Those things change every 15 minutes). It must suck for all of the Cougar fans that will have to make the nearly five hour drive across the entire state for a ‘home’ game. Then again, it must be pretty nice to be able to invade your biggest rival’s town for a week when you don’t even have any business being there.

19. Baylor (defeated Louisiana-Monroe 70-7) – Don’t look now, but there’s a new Oregon-type team on the block. Baylor isn’t just content to beat opponents. The Bears seem dead set on humiliating and shaming others. We wouldn’t be surprised if some of the Bears’ opponents this season decide to stop playing football and reevaluate their lives after a run-in with Baylor. In three games, Baylor has failed to score 70 points just once – in a 69 point showing. The scoring might slow down a bit as the Bears head into conference play, but no opponents close on the horizon look like they’ll cause the Bears’ locomotive of an offense to lose steam anytime soon. The Nov. 7 showdown with Oklahoma could easily be a matchup of 7-0 teams playing for the right to take on Oklahoma State later on in the season for a probable conference title.

20. Pajama pants (defeating other nightwear attire options) – Summer is great. The warm weather is perfect for most of the sports that we here at the poll love and work doesn’t seem nearly as brutal when you can leave while the sun is still out. That said, there is nothing worse than setting the A/C too high or having one of those obscenely humid nights where you wake up in the middle of the night plastered to your own pillow. It’s pretty tough to beat that first night in September when you can settle into some slippers and pajama pants without worrying about getting too toasty. When the USELESS Poll rules the college football universe, we’re mandated a pair of Homer Simpson slippers and standard flannel pajama pants for every household in America.

21. Florida (defeated Tennessee 31-17) – Far be it from us to celebrate any sort of injury, but it’s hard to blame Gator fans shedding crocodile tears for Jeff Driskel’s season-ending broken leg. Right on cue, Tyler Murphy came off the sideline and – overlooking the occasional unexpected shotgun snap to the face – led Florida to its most competent offensive performance in almost two years. Murphy should get some time to settle in as the UF defense alone can take care of Kentucky and Arkansas in the next couple of weeks, but he’ll really step into the fire in Death Valley on Oct. 12. Tyler Murphy might not be the answer for the Gators, but for the last few years, it’s looked like Driskel didn’t even know what the question was.

22. Notre Dame (defeated Michigan State 17-13) – Touchdown Jesus and winning the ugliest games possible… That’s what Notre Dame does. Personally, we think that Notre Dame is actively trying to win like this. The Irish are just out to troll the world. They’re like the team version of Johnny Manziel. The only thing that upsets people more than Notre Dame being good is when Notre Dame isn’t very good, but continues to rise in the polls due to narrowly escaping with wins against mediocre teams. The Irish will cause a full-blown hate frenzy if they can pull of the win against Oklahoma and some pundit starts talking about ND getting into the BCS race.

23. Michigan (defeated Connecticut 24-21) – Another week, another last-second escape for Michigan against a school that only about one-third of casual fans could identify as an FBS program. Of all the big programs that tend to underachieve each season, the Wolverines should feel the worst about it. Not only does Michigan play an almost-always weak non-conference schedule full of home games, but it plays in a very top-heavy conference in which it is in the top tier. The exodus of elite recruits from northern states to the south has been well documented, but the Michigan brand has been strong enough to continue to bring in highly regarded recruiting classes each season. That the Wolverines can’t easily work through all other conference schools not named Ohio State or Nebraska should be a troubling fact.

24. Fresno State (defeated Boise State 41-40) – Due to the late nature of last week’s poll, we pretty much covered everything in Fresno’s big win over Boise last Friday. Due to not wanting the poll to be similarly late this week, we’ll leave last week’s analysis to stand for another poll.

25. Texas Tech (defeated Texas State 33-7) – There are three Texas schools in this week’s poll, yet there is no sign of the Longhorns, the Horned Frogs, or even those plucky, non-BCS Cougars from Houston. What a strange world we’re living in. It’s pretty impressive that the Red Raiders can continue to hold their own, given the evolution of college football and their location on the map. While nearly 10 percent of all FBS teams make their home in Texas, only Texas Tech and UTEP play in the western two-thirds of the state. While this may have been a recruiting advantage in the past for Texas/Oklhoma/New Mexico kids in that desolate part of our nation, enhanced communication over the last decade should have allowed kids to escape their homes to more promising schools. Oh well. Enjoy Lubbock. We’d come and visit, but we’re still trying to find a road that goes there.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Central Florida, Ole Miss, Wisconsin

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Georgia Tech, Maryland

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 3

Well… That was a good season, everyone. We can all go home now. Sure, there are conference titles to be won and bowl games to be played, but that Alabama-Texas A&M game just ruined it for everyone else. That game had everything. Mr. Football came out guns blazing, Bama responded by looking like the undisputed No. 1 team in the country, and then – when left for dead on the side of the road – Jonathan Football, Esquire (He’s doing suffixes now. He’s that good.) nearly brought the Aggies all the way back.

Fittingly, the NCAA has nothing of note to offer this week. Or at least that’s what Vegas WANTS us to think. There is no such thing as a boring week of football. If none of this week’s matchups seem to jump off the page, then it’s time to start betting underdogs. These ‘boring’ weeks always seem to have a few upsets liven up the room.

But until those upsets happen, here’s how things stack up:

1. Alabama (defeated No. 8 Texas A&M 49-42) – It’s hard to know just what to think of the Crimson Tide after its huge win on the road against Texas A&M. There are just so many angles from which to look at things. On one hand, the Tide got its revenge on Johnny Football and the Aggies. On the other hand, can it really be called revenge – or a decisive victory – if Senor Football single-handedly put up over 550 yards of offense and the Aggies scored 42 points? We’ll go with the middle-of-the-road assessment from the always level-headed third hand. Alabama had its way with the Aggies for over half of the game, but still showed some big weaknesses in not being able to put TAMU away. Going into last week, no one would have claimed that the Tide was unbeatable, but there wasn’t much of a blueprint as to how to beat them. Bama will still be a tough out, but there is no doubting that several teams have what it takes to dethrone the king.

2. Oregon (defeated Tennessee 59-14) – Still focusing on Alabama, it seems that the best way to get past the Tide is to simply overwhelm them with offense. Oregon… this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. The Ducks don’t have an incredible defense, but their offense is mind-boggling. Oregon took a good chunk of the first quarter against Tennessee off and still put up 38 by halftime. Oregon runs seemingly thousands of different plays and formations – and does so at a break-neck pace – but the real danger lies in the amount of playmakers that the Ducks had at their disposal. By the third quarter of Saturday’s game, even the freshmen were making an SEC defense look totally helpless. Alabama surrendered 42 points to a Heisman winner and one or two other viable offensive threats. That could get even worse if the Tide had to stare down Marcus Marriota, DeAnthony Thomas, and a handful of other athletic freaks.

3. Clemson (did not play) – Things really couldn’t be shaping up any better for Clemson. Not only did the Tigers run with their lofty preseason ranking and take down Georgia in their season opener, but events seem to be conspiring to further prevent Clemson from shooting itself in the foot. The Tigers easily dispatched a South Carolina State team that was never going to be a threat and then got a week off to prepare for the start of its ACC schedule. The extra week and the opponent – N.C. State – should keep the Tigers’ focus. The Wolfpack derailed Florida State’s high ranking early last season, so Clemson likely won’t be taken by surprise if N.C. State shows up ready to fight. The Universe seems to be doing everything in its power to help Clemson from tripping over itself. Will the Tigers finally make it through this time? NOTE: This was written before Clemson’s win over N.C. State. The Tigers looked good, but that stupid personal foul and ejection knocked Clemson out of field goal range and kept the Tigers from covering the spread. Score one for the underdog bets this week.

4. Ohio State (defeated Cal 52-34) – In a shocking move, Ohio State played a non-conference game against a school that at least half the country had actually heard of. While we’re sure that the proud alumni of schools like Youngstown State, Bowling Green, Florida A&M (on the docket this week!!!) and all of those directional Michigans have every reason to love their schools, it’s pretty safe to say that Ohio State’s football scheduling is – more often than not – an absolute joke. The Buckeye defense certainly didn’t turn many heads last week, but backup quarterback Kenny Guiton seems to be a budding star. He won’t take snaps away from Braxton Miller once Miller is healthy, but OSU can be confident that it will retain an explosive offense even if its starting quarterback goes down.

5. Louisville (defeated Kentucky 27-13) – The Cardinals’ win over in-state rival Kentucky wasn’t dominating by any means, but it was one of the last big hurdles to clear of Louisville plans on running the table and making a dark-horse run at a national title. The Cardinals begin play in the Zombie Big East this weekend. One final test will be a regular season finale against Cincinnati that will likely decide the ZBE title and award a BCS bowl berth. Until then, Louisville plays eight teams with a combined five bowl victories in the last decade.

6. Georgia (did not play) – The Bulldogs didn’t get through the first few weeks of the season unscathed, but they managed to lose the right game. By dropping its opener to Clemson, Georgia not only avoided putting an SEC loss on its record, but – if neither team loses – will be plagued only by a close loss on the road to a top-5 team. For all of that hard work, UGA is rewarded with a total walkover in North Texas. Honestly, it’s a miracle that the Mean Green can sign a full recruiting class each year. North Texas is – at best – the eighth best of the state’s 12 FBS schools. That number could have been worse, but no one wanted to drive the extra 10 hours out to UTEP to make the comparison. Hopefully a bye week and a North Texas-flavored cupcake will recharge UGA’s batteries enough for a date with LSU next week. A win there would give the Bulldogs control of their own destiny with a much easier schedule coming back into the clubhouse.

7. Texas A&M (lost to No. 1 Alabama 49-42) – Last week was devastating for Aggie Nation. Texas A&M burst onto the scene last season and ruined the shit of most of the SEC West. Four division rivals were ranked ahead of the Aggies at the beginning of last year, but TAMU proved that it belongs – and is a force – in the most successful conference in the nation. Another win against Alabama would have put A&M on line for a shot at a national title game, but the Aggies now need a whole lot of luck just to sniff an appearance in the SEC championship game. But there’s no reason to get too beat up about things. Alabama watched the conference title game on TV two years ago before bringing home the national title. And with Johnny Freaking Football on TAMU’s side, anything is possible.

8. Stanford (defeated Army 34-20) – The Cardinal won unimpressively for the second week in a row, causing them to give up a bit of ground in this week’s poll. It’s easy to write Stanford off as a team that is very good, but that can’t compete for a national title. Then again, isn’t that the same exact kind of team Stanford has reached the top-5 with for the past three years or so? Sure, Andrew Luck was a once-in-a-generation talent, but there were no other superstars on those Stanford teams. This year’s Cardinal squad still lacks a name-brand talent and will likely stay under the radar, but there is no reason to think that – no matter how ugly – Stanford will keep on winning.

9. LSU (defeated Kent State 45-13) – Kent State wasn’t exactly a brick wall standing in the way of LSU’s progress, but it was nice to see the Tigers’ newfound offensive prowess continue to show itself. As we mentioned last week, the SEC is becoming much more of an offensive conference and any team wanting to win the conference will have to be a threat to put a lot of points on the board. This is where LSU finds itself at an advantage. The Tigers’ defense might not have the same raw talent of Bama or UGA, but it has plenty of experience and has gotten used to trying to win games all by itself. If the LSU offense keeps firing, there won’t be any good way to attack LSU at the end of the season.

10. Florida State (defeated Nevada 62-7) – Jameis Winston is really getting a quick read on how to handle his newfound superstardom. Sure, anybody could have come out in his first game and lucked into four quarters of absurdly good football. Winston took that first little boost and perfectly played his second appearance for maximum benefit. He and the FSU offense struggled juuuuussssst enough over the first 20 or so minutes of gameplay to get all of the talking heads interested in what was going on. Then, with everyone tuning in, Winston went off again. Currently, Winston has more touchdown passes (6) than he has incomplete pass attempts (5). That’s something that is hard to accomplish in a video game, much less in real life.

11. Alternate uniforms that aren’t black (defeats cliché gimmicks) – About a decade ago, something horrible happened to college football. One or two teams decided to have a ‘black out’ featuring black jerseys that were totally new color schemes for their schools. A couple of nationally-relevant upsets later, EVERYBODY decided to jump on the black bandwagon. Please understand, black uniforms aren’t necessarily bad. Some teams pull it off really well (who needs a good team when you look so good, right Hawaii?). But many more teams just looked ridiculous while trying to look tough in their black unis. Thankfully, this year’s crop of new and alternate uniforms features much more creativity. Southern Miss changed its helmets from black and plain to a retro-looking design on a yellow helmet that looks awesome. Even better are the new chrome candy stripe helmets that Indiana is rocking. There really is no shortage of cool new designs… far too many to point out there. The moral of the story is that there are a few schools out there with black serving as a main component of their color schemes. Just leave the black uniforms to them and go find a unique idea that works for you.

12. Oklahoma State (defeated Lamar 59-3) – It’s bad enough that the Cowpokes delved into the FCS ranks for an easy early-season win, but they also went ahead and picked the most boring sounding school in history. Lamar is as vanilla of a name as you can get, whether we’re talking about schools or just normal names. Luckily for OSU, it gets a bye week to recover after what was surely a titanic struggle against *flips through college football encyclopedia* the Cardinals. The Cowboys seem to be the favorite to take the Big XII, but will have to keep their guard up against West Virginia this week.

13. UCLA (defeated Nebraska 41-21) – The Bruins have the easiest job in college football for the time being. With Oregon hogging all of the highlights, Stanford struggling against the likes of Army, and Lane Kiffin on the hot seat, UCLA is – at best – the fourth biggest story in the Pac-12 despite the fact that it is easily one of the more dangerous teams in the entire country. Combine all of those conference headlines that will keep UCLA in the dark with the east coast bias of the rest of the country’s sports media and the Bruins are free to make a run up the standings without creating a stir or having to give in to outside distractions.

14. Miami (FL) (did not play) – Forgive us for throwing around platitudes, but how full of shit are all of the weathermen of the country? When the summer began, the national weather service did its damndest to convince everyone that eleventy billion hurricanes were destined to batter the East and Gulf coasts up and down for months on end. We realize that networks need to stir up drama to keep the ratings up, but we would have thought that the weather channel was above that. Miami has looked like a legitimate contender so far, but it will be dragged down by association if some sub-tropical storm doesn’t ruin everyone’s shit soon.

15. South Carolina (defeated Vanderbilt 35-25) – Whoever is running the Vanderbilt athletic media relations department really needs an award. From our base in the heart of SEC country, we could have been sure that – due to all of the storylines accompanying Vandy stories – the Commodores were legitimate threats and a viable national power. Rest assured, everyone, Vandy is the same piece of crap it’s always been. South Carolina might actually be able to accomplish something somewhere down the line. Let’s just keep the focus on teams that can actually win a nationally televised game.

16. Oklahoma (defeated Tulsa 52-20) – The Sooners find themselves in a very enviable position. Oklahoma isn’t being touted by anyone as a potential title contender, but some high-profile opponents that aren’t all that great lining up the next month’s schedule could serve as a catapult for OU regardless of whether or not it deserves the recognition. We wouldn’t bet our mortgage on the Sooners taking down Notre Dame, TCU and Texas, but if they do, they’ll easily jump into the top-10 without having to have beaten anything even resembling a national power.

17. Northwestern (defeated Western Michigan 38-17) – Normally, middling teams in the national poll that suffer injuries to their key players don’t have a long stay. As usual, Northwestern seems determined to buck that trend.  The Wildcats have been lacking the services of one of their dual quarterbacks and of their All-American return man/only legitimate rushing threat Venric Mark for the last couple of weeks, but are still putting up the points. If Nebraska stays on its self-destruct course, the Wildcats have a decent chance of making a run to the Big Ten championship game. Sooner or later, someone is going to be forced to give Pat Fitzgerald a ‘Coach of the Year’ award for somehow getting the Wildcats into the rankings at some point each season.

18. Washington (defeated Illinois 34-24) – Washington pulled off the always-tough task of travelling east by a few time zones and bringing home a win. The Huskies have finished just barely over .500 in the last two seasons, but seem to be taking the next step. Next up for Washington is Idaho State. That doesn’t seem right. That makes three football playing Idaho schools we’re aware of, while there is only one – maybe one and a half – actual cities in Idaho that we can name. Upon further research, it is now known that the Idaho State Bengals play in Pocatello. One of ISU’s main dorms is named Rendezvous Hall, which sounds like a really half-assed attempt of throwing a name on the side of a building where a college-themed porn is being filmed. Ain’t no porn like rural Idahoan porn. That’s what we always say.

19. Michigan (defeated Akron 28-24) – The Wolverines took the idea of a let-down game way too far when they just about tanked against Akron. If not for a goal line stand in the waning seconds, Michigam would have been out of the poll entirely. We’re pretty sure that you aren’t legally allowed to be ranked during a season in which you lose to a team called the Zips. For having the largest stadium in the country, it’s amazing how little of a home field advantage the Big House provides. With no upper decks, there is nothing to keep crowd noise from going straight up and out of the stadium and the 110,000 or so seats have nowhere to go but farther away from the field. If you snag a seat in the top row of the stadium, you’re about ¼ mile away from the action.

20. Team celebrations (defeating all other teams, obviously) – We can’t believe that no baseball team ever had the good sense to utilize a unique stadium landmark for a celebration before. Did you see the Dodgers celebrating their N.L. West title by splashing around in the Diamondbacks’ pool? That was classic. And there are so many other potential celebratory options out there. Clinch in Milwaukee? Everybody take a trip down Bernie Brewer’s slide. Big win in Miami? Go out to the nightclub in left field and snort a line off of a transvestite’s ass. Bringing home a pennant from Philly? Engage the locals in their traditional postgame D-cell battery war. The only tough one would be Boston. If some N.L. team wins the World Series at Fenway, the only real feature/custom of the park to be taken advantage of would be climbing the MOHNSTAH and slamming down a dozen Sam Adams’ while reminiscing about the 2004 SAWX. That is literally the only thing that Boston fans ever do.

21. Baylor (did not play) – There aren’t many big-time showdowns on the college slate this week - see: College Gameday going to North Dakota to (probably) horribly misrepresent the FCS football landscape – but there is a rematch from one of the most thrilling games of 2012. Last season, Baylor outlasted Louisiana-Monroe 47-42 in a game that had the over covered by halftime. The Warhawks have come back down to earth after that huge upset of Arkansas and their subsequent almost-upset of Auburn last season, but they’re still dangerous. This could turn into another very entertaining matchup. Big XII play starts next week for Baylor, so the Bears might just get caught looking ahead.

22. Florida (did not play) – You know that your team has some issues when a bye week doesn’t affect your offensive output all that much. It would seem as though the Gators should be able to get the ball moving a bit this week as they take on a Tennessee team that allowed 59 points to Oregon in about three quarters. Then again, it would be an insult to Oregon to categorize both what it does and what Florida does as offense. The Gator defense should continue to dominate and will likely get the team another win, but less than a month remains before a showdown with LSU. If Florida can’t get Jeff Driskel’s head right by then, things are going to get ugly.

23. Ole Miss (defeated Texas 44-23) – Poor Ole Miss. In any other season, the Rebels would be poised to take the nation by storm and shoot up the rankings. Unfortunately, it’s very likely that their stay in the USELESS Poll will only last another week or two. With three juggernauts lurking in front of them in the SEC West, the overachieving Rebels are a great story, but are headed straight for a brick wall. If only Ole Miss played in the SEC East, they might be the dark horse pick to win the division. On the bright side, the Rebs are making waves with a ton of freshmen and sophomores. If they continue to improve, Mississippi will be in great position to become a conference power once Johnny Football and some of the LSU and ‘Bama players move on.

24. Notre Dame (defeated Purdue 31-24) – The Fighting Irish got back to what they do best, and that isn’t necessarily a good thing. As it has done so many times in the last few years, Notre Dame lined up against a totally outgunned opponent and then proceeded to play like dog crap for three quarters before finally finding a way to pull out an ugly win. Everyone figured that the loss of Everett Golson due to that cheating scandal would hurt the offense, but the bigger concern is the defense. Plenty of starters returned from last season’s lockdown defensive unit, but 2013 isn’t going nearly as smoothly. They’re probably just a little uptight due to all of the expectations. They should all loosen up. Maybe hop on the computer and find a totally real, totally single, totally hot, totally not-at-all made up girl to talk to. That’s always a winning strategy.

25. Fresno State (defeated Boise State 41-40) – The Bulldogs have officially become this season's little engine that could. Nothing can drive that point home harder than defeating perennial upset threat Boise State. The Broncos are in a bit of a rebuilding mode this season and weren't predicted to be a BCS-buster, but Fresno almost forgot the most important rule about going up against the blue turfers. Namely, Boise State is the villain from every cheesy horror movie ever made. You can burn BSU, stomp it, shoot it, stab it, drown it, open up a portal to Hell and throw BSU in, but they're still coming back for you in the last minute of the movie. Fresno built up a 34-19 lead in the third quarter, only to see the Broncos rattle off three straight touchdowns. In the end - perhaps taking the torch from Boise - it was Fresno that had the last-second heroics, scoring with two minutes to  go to get back in front. The road is now wide open for Fresno as it will be easily favored in every game from here on out.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Texas Tech, Michigan State

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Georgia Tech, Northern Illinois, Central Florida

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 2

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Plenty of movin’ and shakin’ going on this week, just not at the top of our poll. While the superpowers of the land continued to lay waste to all challengers, a few of the middling members of last week’s poll were done in by some glaring weaknesses that were just waiting to jump up and bite them.

But there’s still plenty of football to play. We trudge on into the second week of September where – according to USELESS correspondents not located in the swamps of South Georgia – temperatures are starting to get a bit more pleasant, making for more action-packed games and longer stints of pregame tailgating.

This week treats us to the game of the century of the year as Alabama tries to avenge last year’s upset at the hands of Texas A&M. Only one other game features two ranked teams squaring off, but with conference schedules starting and familiar rivals squaring off, things are about to get much less predictable.

On to the haves and have-nots of the week:

1. Alabama (did not play) – For nearly an entire year, Alabama has had this week circled on the calendar. Last season, the Tide became the first team in the BCS era to win back-to-back national championships. Never one to let something like national success and hundreds of thousands of adoring fans let him feel joy for even a moment, Nick Saban didn’t so much as cracked a smile when Alabama won the title last season. Perhaps his disdain is due to one Jonathan Football, who single-handedly prevented the Tide from running the table last year. Alabama’s own ridiculous level of success has made the rematch against Texas A&M a must-win game. Even if the Tide bounced back from a loss to win a third straight national title, losing to Mr. Football again would basically make this season a total loss for Bama fans, who may be getting just a bit out of hand.

2. Oregon (defeated Virginia 59-10) – Why the hell would Oregon go all the way across the country to play an out of conference game? Don’t take that the wrong way. We’re not advocating national powers scheduling cupcake after cupcake. We love the Ducks’ willingness to take on a school that – while not a power by any means – is at least from a big conference. The main issue here is why Oregon would ever leave home. The Ducks have the money to pay for other schools to come in. And this isn’t about getting a home field advantage. This is all about enjoying the finer things in life. Have you seen the James Bond villain’s lair that is the Oregon football operations center? Truly, it stands as a testament to the arrogance of man. Honestly, it’s amazing that the Ducks ever lose a recruiting battle.

3. This space intentionally left blank – The only reason that Oregon is listed at No. 2 and not No. 1A is because we aren’t that great with computers and formatting. Getting the numbering system back on track after that would be a task much tougher than pouring over states and assigning a rank to each team. So, in lieu of trying to represent a near dead heat via numbering, let this placeholder serve as a representation of the void that exists between the top two teams and the rest of the college football universe. The best part about these two teams is how strikingly different their styles of play are while being equally dominant. Alabama is powerful, clinical, and effortlessly efficient in controlling nearly every facet of the game. Then, over on the left coast, Oregon is running around in Halloween costumes playing a style of football most closely resembling a crack-addled 10 year old playing NCAA 14 on his Playstation. Either way, no one else is close to touching these two schools for the top spots.

4. Ohio State (defeated San Diego State 42-7) – Last week, the Buckeyes took some flak for not dominating an overmatched opponent quite thoroughly enough. Luckily for Ohio State, it’s still September, so there is no shortage of overmatched opponents remaining on the schedule. The Bucks still don’t have any proven gamebreakers on offense outside of Braxton Miller, so it was quite a scare when he went down last weekend. Miller might not be 100 percent this week, but it’s likely that OSU can rest him all it wants as an unimpressive Cal awaits this week, followed by Florida A&M. It must really suck to be stuck with tickets to that FAMU game. With the band still on timeout due to that whole ‘killing a kid via hazing’ business, the best part of attending any Rattlers game is on indefinite hiatus.

5. Clemson (defeated South Carolina State 52-13) – One small minus and one big plus for the Tigers last week. In trouncing South Cackalacky State, the Tigers were so quick and brutal in building a lead that USELESS Poll Heisman pick Tajh Boyd wasn’t able to do much stat-padding to help his cause. He probably could have stayed in for another quarter without drawing too much ire for rubbing in a big victory, but that’s precisely why Clemson gets a big plus… It’s acting like a team that plans on succeeding in the long run. Wholesale changes were made in the second quarter to ensure that no freak injuries derailed what is the Tigers’ best team in ages. Another dominating performance for the Tigers in their first conference game vs. N.C. State this weekend might be enough to see them overtake the Buckeyes in the next poll.

6. Stanford (defeated San Jose State 34-13) – Okay… So that was a pretty vanilla showing for the Cardinal, even after getting an extra week to prepare for their opener. But let’s all calm down and take a trip back to last season, when Stanford just barely survived a 20-17 win against San Jose State. All that Cardinal team was able to do after the scare was to go 12-2, win the Pac-12, claim a Rose Bowl victory, and earn bragging rights as the only team able to keep Oregon’s rouge group of X-Men posing as skill position players from going nuts. Fun fact: Oregon scored just 14 points in the Cardinal’s upset win last year. The next lowest score total for the Ducks was 35 in its Fiesta Bowl win. The next lowest regular season scoring total was 43.

7. Georgia (defeated No. 9 South Carolina 41-30) – Last week, we chose to throw the Bulldogs a bone. The rest of the country sent UGA tumbling down the rankings after a very close loss, on the road, to Clemson. Georgia made good on its second chance by looking like the better team for four quarters against the Fightin’ Clowneys of South Carolina. The Bulldogs finally get their first breather of the season this week as they should have little to no trouble with North Texas. But then it’s right back into the grinder as LSU comes to town. A win in two weeks would make the SEC East UGA’s to lose as just one tough conference game would remain on the schedule.

8. Texas A&M (defeated Sam Houston State 65-28) – All of the headlines for this week are screaming ‘Johnny Football vs. Alabama’, but that won’t be the deciding factor in the showdown. Manziel has made it very apparent that nobody is going to stop him – be it from scoring touchdowns or acting like a drunk, over-entitled frat kid on Ladies Night at the local dive bar. Johnny Football is going to move the chains and score points. The problem for Texas A&M is that its defense tends to allow the same thing to happen. If Alabama’s offense can improve from a lackluster opening effort, Johnny Football isn’t going to be able to keep up with the Tide.

9. Louisville (defeated Eastern Kentucky 44-7) – Teddy Bridgewater has spent the first two weeks of the season making what is supposed to be intense college football competition into his own personal video game. Bridgewater has already passed for 752 yards and nine touchdowns while completing a ridiculous 76 percent of his passes. Normally, facing an SEC team in Week three after downing a couple of cupcakes would be a threatening task, but Kentucky is just going out of its way to be awful lately. The Cardinals are favored by over two touchdowns and - with Bridgewater needing as many impressive stats as possible for his Heisman campaign - won't hesitate to keep their foot on the gas if the opportunity presents itself.

10. LSU (defeated Alabama-Birmingham 56-17) – Another week goes by and the Bayou Bengals continue to look like a team that isn’t brand new to the concept of offense. Granted, the Blazers aren’t much of a challenge, but this is the same LSU that managed all of 12 points against an Auburn squad that went 0-8 in SEC play last season. It’s a bit strange how the tables have turned in the conference. Just a few years ago, the SEC  title was basically decided when LSU or Auburn or Georgia or a few other teams proved that their awesome defense (as all of them were) was the best. This season, it seems as if the highest-profile conference games will be shootouts. Georgia and South Carolina have already participated in one and the LSU-UGA game next week looks like it might be more of the same. Throw in an Alabama squad that has much more raw talent and experience on the offensive side of the ball and the SEC is slowly turning into the Big XII.

11. Florida State (did not play) – The Seminoles were off last weekend… and Jameis Winston threw for 350 yards and four more touchdowns. It’s a shame that Clemson and Florida State are in the same division of the ACC. This is going to be like the 2011 SEC West season or last year’s Pac-12 North. It was PAINFULLY obvious that the combinations of LSU-Alabama and Stanford-Oregon were head and shoulders above the rest of their respective conferences, but a mid-October matchup had to serve as a de facto title game since both teams couldn’t meet in the conference championship matchup. The only consolation is that neither Clemson nor FSU plays anyone that could be viewed as an upset threat before their matchup on Oct. 19. If a few other teams lose before then, this could easily be a meeting of two top-5 teams.

12. Oklahoma State (defeated UTSA 56-35) – We’re a little miffed that we had to resort to an acronym for the University of Texas at San Antonio in the intro to this slot. Being known by initials is sort of a right of passage. You should have to prove something in order to be recognized by just your initials. Unfortunately, if your name is incredibly long and drawn out, it becomes a two-line header that just looks unseemly. UTSA’s only redeeming quality as it moves into the FBS is that it brings another unique/awesome nickname into the fold as they are the Roadrunners. The school now joins Warhawks, Rajin’ Cajuns, Chippewas, and Runnin’ Rebels as a sweet nickname that is totally undeserved by its less-than-sweet football team. The Cowpokes may have surrendered 35 points, but 28 of those came in the fourth quarter, well after the starters were already showered and in street clothes.

13. Michigan (defeated No. 13 Notre Dame 41-30) – It might be a little while before the Wolverines get the Fighting Irish back in the Big House, but Michigan made it count. Devin Gardner – despite throwing what may have been the most ill-advised pass in the history of football – definitely made himself a household name with a great performance in primetime against the defending national runners up. Ohio State is definitely the team to beat in the Big Ten, but Michigan looks like it’s ready to be the top contender. Three tough conference games dot the road between the Wolverines and their Nov. 30 showdown with the Buckeyes, but if both teams make it there unscathed, the resulting game will amount to a strange situation as one top-10 matchup would give way to the exact same pairing a week later in the conference championship game.

14. Oklahoma (defeated West Virginia 16-7) – The Sooners don’t look like a threat to run away with a national championship, but a weak Big XII puts them in position to make a run at a big payday in a high-profile bowl game. Oklahoma didn’t look great in its conference opener against West Virginia, but with Texas looking more and more like a dumpster fire each day, there simply isn’t much tough competition out there. If the Sooners can manage to avoid upsets and come away with at least one win in games vs. TCU and Baylor, the Bedlam Game could easily have the conference title riding on the line.

15. Miami (FL) (defeated No. 15 Florida 21-16) – It’s a shame that Miami and Florida don’t match up more often. For the longest time, Miami and Florida State had a standing date for a Labor Day meeting. While both teams were usually good, there was so much hatred for each other that the teams – already a little off since it was the first game of the season – got WAAAAYYY too hyped up and inevitably provided one of the ugliest games of the year. On the other hand, the Canes and Gators played a much cleaner game while being every bit as intense and competitive. Miami looks like the main competition in the ACC for whichever team prevails over FSU and Clemson, but things look much bleaker for the Gators. Until Florida puts up consistent offense, third place in the SEC East is the best it can hope for.

16. South Carolina (lost to No. 6 Georgia 41-30) – The Gamecocks can only hope that history repeats itself. Last season, South Carolina dealt Georgia an embarrassing early-season loss, only to see the Bulldogs rebound to win the division. The Gamecocks dug themselves in an early hole as UGA outgunned them last weekend and they are now effectively two games behind in the division race. On the bright side, the Gamecocks have drawn the conference schedule equivalent of a golden ticket, avoiding LSU, Alabama and Texas A&M. That was the key to UGA’s run to the SEC title game last season, so South Carolina needs to take care of business the rest of the way and hope that trends continue.

17. Northwestern (defeated Syracuse 48-27) – Taking down Syracuse certainly isn’t a monumental accomplishment, but the Wildcats have every reason to be feeling pretty good about themselves. For many years, Northwestern has battled its way into the rankings, only to have its roster – which is usually light on game-breaking talent – depleted by injury. In their first game, the Wildcats sustained injuries to their two best offensive players and their only very good pass defender, but still came away with a win. Two of the three didn’t suit up against Syracuse, and the Cats still had no trouble in running away with a win. No one is going to accuse Northwestern of being a world beater anytime soon, but the Wildcats seem to be getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being the better team most weeks.

18. UCLA (did not play) – Dealing with a tragedy is tough, no matter the circumstance. Doing so as a team while in the national spotlight is even more challenging. Nick Pasquale wouldn’t have been a difference maker – and likely wouldn’t have even seen the field – this week against Nebraska. But it has to be brutal for his teammates to prepare for a big game between two very talented teams when a friend isn’t there and his absence is all that anyone wants to talk about. As trivial as wins and losses may seem when a 20 year old kid just lost his life, winning games is the only way that Pasquale’s teammates can really try to honor him. Neither tears nor victories will bring him back, but the Bruins might as well pursue the option that their fallen teammate would have been working towards if he was able to take the field again.

19. Notre Dame (lost to No. 21 Michigan 41-30) – The Fighting Irish are a very talented team, but there is no denying that they are missing Everett Golson under center. Sure, Tommy Rees won the opener and played pretty well against Michigan, but the ND defense isn’t the dominating force that it was last season. Golson’s dual threat abilities not only put points on the board, but also kept the clock moving and gave the Irish defense more time on the bench. Notre Dame is still a force to be reckoned with, but a schedule that still includes Arizona St., Oklahoma, and Stanford is going to be tough to get through without at least one more loss. Another BCS bowl might be out of the question this season, but at least the Irish will continue to dominate the always-compelling world of non-conference-affiliated schools. Raise the nihilism banner and raise it high!!!

20. Wisconsin (defeated Tennessee Tech 48-0) – If you’re going to play a bunch of punching bags in the opening weeks, you may as well at least punch the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s been the story of the Badgers’ season so far as they have beaten back the titans of college football that are UMass and Tennessee Tech by a combined score of 93-0. After last season’s underwhelming performance, the Badgers aren’t burning hot on anyone’s radar, but they have a friendly schedule on their side. Wisconsin has challenging games against Arizona State, Northwestern and Ohio State through the second week of October, but should be a significant favorite in every contest after that.

21. September (defeating all other months despite 12:1 odds) – There just isn't a better month on the calendar. Not only do we have football starting up and some of the most important baseball games of the year being played, but it's also my birthday month. Sure, my beloved Georgia Southern Eagles don't have a ton to play for this season and my Phillies have been out of contention since July, but football on both the college and pro levels will provide plenty of entertainment through the next few months and hockey season drops the puck in just a few weeks.

22. Washington (did not play) – How exactly does any team in the Northwest come to be good at college football? We can understand that Oregon’s funhouse is going to attract a lot of talent and Stanford is obviously a bastion of hope for anyone who can play football AND has the smarts to make a seven-figure salary in something that isn’t pro sports, but there aren’t many other schools that should ever be successful. The states of Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, and everything in California north of Los Angeles are – to put it nicely – pretty much a wasteland for high school football. Combine that with the colder temperatures and general middle-of-nowhere-ness of those locales and it’s amazing that any of these schools can get enough talent assembled at one time to be a legitimate power. Then again, Washington’s quick resurgence in high-quality football JUST SO HAPPENS to coincide with all that legal marijuana business. Coincidence?

23. Fresno State (defeated Cal Poly 41-25) – We just came to the realization that David Carr’s little brother is the starting quarterback for the Bulldogs. That more than makes up for a pair of wins that weren’t as impressive when they could have been. Remember when David Carr almost won the Heisman? Remember when David Carr was the No. 1 pick in the draft? Remember when David Carr had a working nervous system before the expansion Texans allowed him to be sacked approximately 137 times every week? Fresno will have to sharpen things up a bit if it wants to stay undefeated, but doing so might just get Derek to that BCS bowl that David could never reach.

24. Florida (lost to Miami (FL) 21-16) – The Gators obviously haven’t learned last year’s lesson of needing to be able to sustain drives and reach the end zone if they want to be successful. Once again, the Florida defense quieted an opponent with plenty of offensive weapons, only to see Jeff Driskel and company spend four quarters running a remedial playbook and getting bogged down every time they crossed midfield. If the Gators can’t win a defensive struggle against a good-but-not-great Miami squad, they’re really going to be up against it when they have to take on high-powered offenses like Georgia.

25. Baylor (defeated Massachusetts 45-0) – How strange is it that Texas and TCU are currently in a race to be the third best team in their own state? Most fans wrote of the Bears as a one-hit wonder due to having Robert Griffin III under center, but Baylor hasn’t missed a beat since his departure. The Bears still don’t have a good enough defense to take on top-10 powers, but it’s becoming more and more clear that Art Briles and his wide open offensive schemes aren’t going anywhere. He won over 80 percent of his games as a head coach at three different high schools, made Houston a non-BCS conference darling, and now has Baylor – former perennial doormat of the Big XII – looking like a potential BCS conference champioin.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Nebraska, Mississippi, Arizona State

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  BYU, Michigan State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 1

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Now that football has officially gotten underway, don’t things just seem a little bit better? Sure, there is a long way to go before a champion is crowned or heated conference races get settled. It’s not even like there is football weather outside – at least not at USELESS Poll headquarters in south Georgia.

But there is definitely a different feel in the air once football kicks off. Baseball is a great way to fill the hot summer nights, but football is much better suited to drinking a few beers and screaming at the television along with a couple of close friends or an entire bar full of complete strangers. After all, the cooler weather and longer nights will be creeping in soon enough. Now is the time to find those social activities that will get us through the fall and winter.

And what a great first week we had. There were no monuments upsets, but there were still plenty of surprises. Whether your team inspired you to start seeking airfare for a January bowl or has already made you register a domain name for fire(yourcoach’snamehere).com, there is no doubting that the action is finally here.

On to this week’s rankings.

1. Alabama (defeated Virginia Tech 35-10) – It is absolutely absurd to even entertain the notion that a college team could ever hope to hang against an NFL squad. It’s just not rational. The best collegiate teams might have a dozen future pros on the roster – most of whom will be backups or quickly fizzle out. A pro team – even a bad one – has 53 NFL players on the squad. It’s not even worth discussing. That said, Alabama clearly needs to find some middle ground between NCAA and NFL competition in order to test itself. It came as no surprise that the Crimson Tide washed over Virginia Tech in its opener, but it must suck to root for a team whose fanbase was mostly perturbed about ONLY winning by 25 against a decent team.

2. Oregon (defeated Nicholls 66-3) – It’s a good thing for Oregon that it has that steadily flowing pipeline of Nike money. Aside from other companies looking to associate themselves with the Ducks, it’d be a risky move to advertize with the school in any other form. Lots of schools have some corporate partner that will donate some token sum for every instance of some counting stat in a game. No company could pay for Oregon’s offensive accomplishments without going broke. If someone could get Make-A-Wish to shell out based on Ducks touchdowns, it’d be Disney World trips and superhero-for-a-day adventures for everyone!

3. Ohio State (defeated Buffalo 40-20) – Plenty of people argue that Ohio State isn’t quite an elite program and that it will take more than the tutelage of Urban Meyer to stop the reign of the SEC in the national title hunt. But the Buckeyes never fail to look like a national power in their willingness to search far and wide to avoid any sort of challenge early in the season. OSU ran all over the place and built a huge lead before Buffalo made things a bit interesting, possibly because the Buckeyes were 15 minutes late in getting back from halftime due to watching the new Breaking Bad in the locker room. The Buckeyes have the talent to run the table and put themselves in the national championship picture, but a weak schedule will force OSU to stay perfect as any slip-ups will be the end of it.

4. Clemson (defeated No. 4 Georgia 38-35) – For all of the upsets and storylines happening in the first week of the season, the strangest of all might have been opening up the Sunday paper to see that Clemson had taken lofty expectations and a national stage and managed not to throw up all over itself. The Tigers looked exactly like the top-10 team they were projected to be in beating – and at many times dominating – fellow title contender Georgia. Clemson did have the home field advantage and did have to recover an onside kick to ice away the victory, but that’s several huge leaps forward from all of the previous Tiger squads that would have melted under the spotlight. The only downside to Clemson’s bowl win over LSU last season and the big start to 2013 is the immanent flood of poor children who will be named Dabo.

5. Stanford (did not play) – The Cardinal opted out of the craziness of the opening week. Another stellar move by those book-smart Stanford kids. While all of those other teams probably neglected anything that wasn’t related to football over the last week, Stanford players were settling into their class schedules and staying academically eligible. In terms of being a national title contender without drawing too much unnecessary attention, the Cardinal have the blueprint perfected. Those late west coast start times will make them invisible to the media until they’ve rattled off at least five or six wins to start the season. Combine that with vanilla, pro-style offensive and defensive schemes and a conference rival that soaks up all of the headlines and Stanford is the perfect dark horse title pick.  

6. Georgia (lost to No. 6 Clemson 38-35) – The USELESS Poll predicted this nightmare scenario for the Bulldogs in the preseason edition. After two seasons worth of drawing lucky schedules in SEC play (but managing to hit snags along the way), UGA brought a title-worthy team into 2013 only to get cut down by a tougher schedule before the party even had a chance to start. That’s not to say that all hopes of a national title are totally lost. After all, plenty of teams have finished on top despite a loss. All that Georgia has to do is win 13 straight against a schedule that still includes South Carolina, LSU, Florida (hypothetically) the SEC West champ, and a top-2 team in a bowl game. Seems simple enough to us.

7. Texas A&M (defeated Rice 52-31) – Hey, everybody. Do ya remember that time B-B-Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Muddogs won the Bourbon Bowl? Do ya? Johnny Manziel is a lot of things, and not all of those things are good. But the one thing that Mr. Football is not is boring. In just one half of play, Johnny racked up almost 200 yards of offense, three touchdowns, a taunting penalty, and another benching – this time by his own coach. At this point, the whole Manziel saga has devolved into a weird sideshow focusing on just how low he can go. Maybe next week he can toss a 50-yard touchdown before making out with an opposing cheerleader and cold-cocking the rival mascot.

8. Louisville (defeated Ohio 49-7) – No offense to the Cardinals, but their inclusion in national championship discussions only further proves how messed up the BCS system has been for the better part of two decades. Louisville’s only real hurdle on the schedule is a date with Cincinnati to close out the regular season. Now, the USELESS Poll has often argued that there is nothing inherently wrong with a weak schedule – and especially when over 75 percent of a team’s games are conference contests that the team has no say in scheduling. Some pundits will mention Louisville’s easy schedule in the Zombie Big East, but you won’t hear nearly as much outcry as in previous years when non-BCS conference teams like Boise State or TCU had just as much talent and more impressive wins that what Louisville could end up with. We’re not here to shout conspiracy from the rooftops, but it seems very clear that the NCAA and its rankings don’t really care at all about the strength of a school’s schedule as long as that school has the good fortune of playing in a conference with a BCS bowl tie-in.

9. South Carolina (defeated North Carolina 27-10) – Despite God’s best efforts at pumping some life into Jadaveon Clowney by throwing lightning bolts at him in the second half, the trendy defensive Heisman pick and assumed No. 1 draft pick next spring was underwhelming in his 2013 debut. But let’s give Clowney a break. He has no shot at the Heisman. Even if voters are prepared to give him credit, a season full of opponents triple-teaming the defensive end and quarterbacks rolling away from him on almost every passing play is going to put too big of a hit on Clowney’s stats to be able to stake a decent claim to the trophy. Meanwhile, Steve Spurrier is already in midseason form. After watching starting QB Connor Shaw tear through the Heels on the first two drives of the night, the Old Ball Coach did the typical Spurrier thing by immediately replacing him with the second string quarterback. This is usually the kind of circus that prevents the Gamecocks from realizing their potential, but two good quarterbacks might be able to throw a wrench in Spurrier’s ill-fated plans.

10. The FCS (the best .258 winning pct. ever) – No matter what sport we’re talking about, 8-23 isn’t a good record. At least, it isn’t all that impressive unless we’re talking about 30 teams who are all set up to fail miserably by way of scholarship deficits, lack of funds for recruiting, and having to open their season on the road managing to come away with seven victories. That 8-23 mark was a coup for the FCS. Even ranked teams weren’t safe as Oregon State fell to Eastern Washington. In a sport that seems to have no limit to how much it can grow, last weekend was a big shot in the arm for the FCS. Avid fans of teams that routinely compete for FCS titles would have sworn up and down that the top tier of this lower division could easily pick off the low-hanging fruit of the FBS. The opening week of 2013 proved that it is more than just talk.

11. Florida State (defeated Pittsburgh 41-13) – Allow us to be the first to exclaim our undying love and affection for Jameis Winston. Is there a way that any freshman could have possibly had a better first night? The Seminoles’ highly-touted redshirt freshman was nothing less than spectacular in his debut, going 25-for-27 through the air and accounting for 381 total yards and five touchdowns. In a best case scenario, Winston and Tahj Boyd will continue their great play and square off in a de facto Heisman battle on October 19. In Florida State’s next game, we feel it’s totally rational to expect Winston to take flight and cure three kids of cancer on the way to scoring seven touchdowns and halving the state’s unemployment rate.

12. LSU (defeated No. 24 TCU 37-27) – The fact that LSU was able to handle TCU in its season opener wasn’t a huge surprise. The fact that the Bayou Bengals took control of the game with an aggressive offense was a bit unexpected. TCU is no pushover. The Horned Frogs had battled their way to national recognition as a non-BCS school and led the Big XII in defense in their first season. They returned nine starters from that defense and were subsequently thrashed by an offense that struggled to go anywhere at times last season. The biggest difference has to be LSU’s addition of Cam Cameron as its new offensive coordinator. Sure, the guy flamed out of the pros, but just look at his name. CAM CAMERON. That couldn’t be more fitting for the college life. He probably gets an honorary pledge just for having the frattiest name ever.

13. Notre Dame (defeated Temple 28-6) – It was good to see that the Fighting Irish defense managed to regain its pride and pick up almost all of the teeth that got knocked in during that debacle of a national championship game. Of course, that defense – even if it does live up to its lofty expectations – will only take the team so far. The Irish offense didn’t do anything wrong in its opening win, but the absence of Everett Golson at quarterback was painfully evident. The Irish don’t have a big playmaker on offense and Tommy Rees can’t be trusted to pass for 300 yards every week. The defense should hold up fine against even its toughest tests, but the points will be harder to come by as the competition increases.

14. Oklahoma State (defeated Mississippi State 21-3) – When you think of top rated teams and the opening week of the season, a 21-3 score doesn’t quite fit the trends. But Oklahoma deserves a break for not joining its highly regarded brethren in putting up video game numbers in its first game. Not only did the Cowboys take on a team from a BCS conference, but it dared to stare down a team from the unshakable SEC. Furthermore, Okie State won with exactly the type of game that the USELESS Poll touted in its preseason edition. Seeing as how the SEC team in question was Mississippi State and not Alabama or some juggernaut like that, it’s not a huge surprise that the cowpokes came away with a win. Then again, most probably would have predicted OSU to win by a score of 40-something to 30-something. Oklahoma State totally shut down a legitimate team with its defense. Bigger offenses will test the Cowboys soon, but the fans in Stillwater have to be encouraged by Week 1.

15. Florida (defeated Toledo 24-6) – The Gators seemed to pick up right where they left off from last season, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. We get it, Florida. You guys have a really, REALLY good defense. Most teams would be lucky to put together more than a couple of scoring drives on you. Then again, the offense has made it clear that a few scores might be all that is necessary to take down your team. While Toledo is one of the few MAC teams that isn’t a complete pushover, the Rockets still aren’t any sort of underdog world-beaters. Florida looked solid in shutting down Toledo at every opportunity, but if the Gators can’t put together consistent offense, a bigger, better team is going to ruin their fun.

16. Texas (defeated New Mexico St. 56-7) – It seems like the Longhorns circled the wagon around Mack Brown’s hot seat. Granted, there wasn’t much doubt about winning the first game, but Texas looked like a team that can dominate as the season wears on. As for New Mexico State, the Aggies had better watch themselves. The FBS is at a nice, round 125 teams this season, but two more join the fray next season and the NCAA might be tempted to see if it can pawn of the Aggies to Mexico. Seriously… We’d be perfectly willing to cede the seven or so miles from Las Cruces to the international border if it meant getting rid of such an awful football program.

17. Oklahoma (defeated La.-Monroe 34-0) – Louisiana-Monroe’s Warhawks stirred up quite the ruckus last season when they rallied in overtime to take down an Arkansas squad that we didn’t yet realize was vastly overrated. The Warhawks were the go-to pick for the experts to look at for ‘upset alerts’, but the Sooners weren’t having any of that. Monroe battled for a half, but Oklahoma made a solid statement that it is a top-tier team and that the scrappy, loveable Warhawks just aren’t. But no need to feel bad if you’re a ULM fan. You still have the best blend of awesome/unique nickname of any FBS team. And nobody can take that away from you.

18. Overzealous Fans (easily defeating that case of Bud Light) – Just as most powerhouse programs ease into their season with a less-than-stellar opponent, some college football fans should think long and hard about slowly working their way up to full-blown gameday drinking. A cursory search of Youtube/Yahoo/Deadspin reveals opening weekend gems such as the UGA fan bawling during a postgame call-in radio show and a University of Iowa coed who clocked in at a BAC of .341 after trying to gain access to the playing field. Come on, everybody. We’ve got three more months of football on our hands. Let’s pace ourselves.

19. Nebraska (defeated Wyoming 37-34) – Did you know that Nebraska and Wyoming share a border? Looking at a map, it makes perfect sense, but it’s just one of those things that’s hard to imagine. When we think of Nebraska, we think of gun-crazed, bible-thumping farmers that seem relatively harmless when put in such close proximity of the gun-crazier, bible-thumpier, farmier(?) people of Kansas. As for Wyoming… we’re not sure. We thought it was just cows and park rangers. Anyway, the Huskers just barely beat what is supposed to be a pretty terrible team. That’s all we know. We’d go further in depth after watching the highlights, but no one in either of these states owns a video camera.

20. Northwestern (defeated Cal 44-30) – Of all the BCS conference winners on opening weekend, the Wildcats deserve some special recognition. While many big schools settled for FCS matchups or trolled the lower-tier FBS conferences for punching bags, Northwestern took on another BCS conference opponent. Even more impressive, the game wasn’t some made-for-TV spectacle and the Wildcats travelled all the way out to the west coast to claim their win. The Northwestern offense looks even better than last year’s dangerous squad, but with a much tougher schedule in what should be a better Big Ten this season, the ‘Cats are going to have to play defense sooner or later.

21. Michigan (defeated Central Michigan 59-9) – As we’ve opined before, defeating a directional Michigan is the equivalent of not striking out in slow pitch softball or finally breaking that 20-minute mile barrier. While it came against a pitiful opponent, it was a good sign for Wolverine fans to see their team put up over 200 yards of both passing and rushing. Denard Robinson was exciting, but he was never going to lead a championship team at Michigan. Running 58 yards for a 5 yard gain or breaking free from three tackles before chucking a prayer downfield is entertaining, but it’s a style of quarterbacking that just won’t work in a conference where you’ll have to play at least a few games in freezing temperatures. Now that Michigan has a solid passing game plan and an O-line and some running backs that can get tough yards when necessary, the Wolverines are much better off in the grand scheme of things.

22. UCLA (defeated Nevada 58-20) – The Bruins followed up their run to a second consecutive Pac-12 title game with a solid performance against Nevada. For as long as anyone here at the USELESS Poll can remember, UCLA has always had to settle for the second best quarterback in its own city. That run seems to be at its end as Brett Hundley looks to have progressed on what was a solid 2012 for the then-sophomore. There are plenty of trap games awaiting in the Pac-12 South against teams like Arizona State and the suddenly not awful Colorado Buffaloes, but Hundley’s offense has the potential to overpower lesser teams and set up a possible division title showdown against USC in the final week of the regular season.

23. Fresno State (defeated Fresno State 52-51) – The good news is that the Bulldogs won what was probably the most action-packed game of the first weekend. The bad news is that Fresno never should have struggled so badly with Rutgers. Fresno is facing a lot of pressure from the Cinderella lovers out there. Boise State went down in its first game and no other schools from non-BCS conferences seem to be talented enough to blaze a trail up the rankings late in the season. More good news for the Bulldogs though – if they can get past what’s sure to be a pissed off group of Boise State Broncos in a few weeks, they won’t face any other school even close to the good side of the top-50 until bowl season.

24. Ole Miss (defeated Vanderbilt 39-35) – Putting the Rebels in this week’s poll might be jumping the gun a bit, but the entertainment value that they brought to us on the first night of college football earned them all sorts of brownie points. It’s hard to pin down exactly how good Ole Miss is or can be. On one hand, the Rebels took the nation by surprise on NLI day and hauled in what was easily the best recruiting class in school history. Those freshmen seem to be combining with the returners to form a solid, balanced team that won’t be an easy win for anyone. On the other hand, a few freshmen might make all the difference in basketball, but won’t win a title in football. And those returning starters might be a bit better, but they’re still the guys who went 7-6 last season. We’ll get a real picture of where the Rebs are in two weeks when they face back-to-back road games against Texas and Alabama.

25. Wisconsin (defeated Massachusetts 45-0) – Why did Massachusetts stubbornly insist on changing its name from the old ‘UMass’? The old name had a much better ring to it. Anyways, the Minutemen – which is also an awesome, colloquial nickname – could have gone by whatever name they wanted and it still wouldn’t have resulted in points last weekend. The Badgers outgained Massachusetts 598-212 on the day, and that was with backups playing most of the second half. The Minutemen are horrible, so we’re not sure what that says about Wisconsin’s future, but such a thorough domination deserves some recognition in the poll. Plus, we figure that if we give you some love, you’ll invite us in to watch the infamous 5^th quarter.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: USC, Baylor, Miami

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  TCU, Michigan State, Washington

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.