USELESS Poll: Week 4

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

OK, everyone. Settle down and take your seats. Your homework for tonight is to write 500 words about what you did on your vacation from college football last week. You can talk about getting some of that yard work done. You can talk about spending quality time with your kids. Maybe you took one final trip to the beach.

But don’t you dare talk about watching last week’s games. That was an affront to all that is good with the sport. Suffering through those games shouldn’t award you with some sort of badge of honor. You might have something seriously wrong with you if you watched four quarters of one of the dozen or so teams that got railroaded by more than 30 points.

For those of you who are sensible and stepped away from things for a week, here’s where we stand:

1. Alabama (defeated Colorado State 31-6) – That certainly wasn’t Alabama’s best effort. Then again, it would have been impossible to expect the Crimson Tide to come with their ‘A’ game after surviving World War III in College Station the week before. Bama has spent the last two years fending off the best teams in the nation and has made an absolute joke out of some other very good teams. If not for the offensive outburst a week ago, there might be some questions as to how explosive the Tide can be. A little more consistency would be nice, but there is no doubting that it’ll be pretty much impossible to take down Alabama on a good day.

2. Oregon (did not play) – There’s no getting around it. Last week’s slate of games was about as bad as the NCAA could have possibly provided to the general public. There was only one matchup between top-25 teams and even that turned into a rout. No team even came close to pulling an upset and – despite plenty of point spreads venturing north of 30 and 40 points – there weren’t too many heavy favorites that failed to cover. It’s entirely possible that by facing their own backups in a Saturday practice during their bye week, the Oregon Ducks faced the toughest test of any top-10 team last week.

3. Clemson (defeated N.C. State 26-14) – It’s probably a sign that we here at the USELESS Poll are falling behind the times, but up until last week, we had never even heard that the art of ‘Clemsoning’ had become a slang term for building yourself up only to suffer catastrophic and heartbreaking defeat. All hilarity aside, Clemson seems determined to buck the trend. The Tigers looked solid in their win over N.C. State and were never in any danger of pulling a Clemson despite the margin of just 12 points. Of course, this could just be setting up the greatest tragedy of all. How devastating would it be if the Tigers finally put it all together, avoided every pitfall and misstep, then watched helplessly as Oregon and Alabama ran their respective tables and shut Clemson out of title contention just a year before the playoff system kicks in? … Classic Clemson.

4. Ohio State (defeated Florida A&M 76-0) – It was a really classy move for the Buckeyes to refrain from scoring 100 points against the Rattlers. Even more impressive was when OSU came out of the locker room for the second half and still refused to take the score up to triple digits. It’s understandable that some FCS and lower FBS schools feel the need to supplement their athletic budgets by playing the role of sacrificial lamb in exchange for some quick cash from a national power, but this is really getting out of hand. The good news in college football is that – due to increased television coverage – more teams than ever can build a presence and be competitive. The bad news is that the have-nots are now farther behind than ever. If school presidents and athletic directors are going to send their teams to get slaughtered, they should be forced to stand on the sidelines with those kids the entire game.

5. Louisville (defeated Florida International 72-0) – Teddy Bridgewater isn’t going to face much competition this year that won’t make him look like the best quarterback in the nation, but a lack of competition on the Cardinals’ schedule shouldn’t be a negative for Teddy. After all, the nation has already seen him utterly dismantle a Florida team that was ranked No. 3 and had one of the top defenses in the country last season. Right now, Bridgewater is on pace to finish the regular season with almost 3,700 passing yards, 42 touchdowns, and just 3 interceptions. That’s pretty good against a practice squad, much less actual teams from *checks with sources* what we’re still obligated to call a BCS conference.

6. Stanford (defeated Arizona State 42-28) – Stanford started the season out slow, but announced its presence with authority as the Pac-12 schedule got underway. A few teams in the conference – like the Sun Devils – seem to be complacent with the Pac-12’s old reputation for wide open offense, no defense, and 50-49 shootouts each week. We’re not sure why that thinking still persists with some teams (also looking at you, Arizona, USC, and Washington State), but Stanford couldn’t be doing any more to teach its rivals how beneficial a running game and a strong defense can be. Even the high-octane offense of Oregon is predicated on controlling the line of scrimmage, running the ball, and getting some early defensive stops.

7. Texas A&M (defeated SMU 42-13) – After their crucial loss to Alabama, the Aggies jumped back in the saddle by trampling all over the Mustangs. SMU faces another tough game this week against TCU, but then jumps into Zombie Big East play. For all the years of awful football following its death penalty, SMU is finally a stable – if not noteworthy – program. Heck, the Mustangs are even winning bowl games nowadays. Working in tandem with that death penalty was SMU’s exclusion when the Big XII was formed, forcing the once powerful Mustangs into the dreaded abyss of the lower tier conferences of FBS competition. And so it finally comes about that SMU is once again in a position to win its conference and play for a major bowl. That isn’t going to happen, but we can still dream.

8. LSU (defeated Auburn 35-21) – It wasn’t a blowout, but LSU certainly stated its case as an elite team in last weekend’s win over Auburn. The Tigers have been too consistent on offense for anything to be a fluke and the defense looked as stingy as any in the nation until allowing a late score after the game was well in hand. Now comes the biggest test so far. Zach Mettenberger returns to UGA, the school that thought he’d be its Aaron Murray before Aaron Murray stepped in to fill that role. Mettenberger currently leads all SEC quarterbacks in pass efficiency and might be able to take advantage of a Bulldog defense that still lacks experience. If LSU wins and this week proves to be a stepping stone on the way to a conference title for the Tigers, Mettenberger might have to go back to that bar in Valdosta and thank the victims of his sexual assault charges for getting his career on the right path.

9. Georgia (defeated North Texas 45-21) – The final score looked good enough, but UGA can’t be happy with how its cupcake went down last week. North Texas was thoroughly outclassed by Georgia, but still managed to hang tough for three quarters. Sure, much of that was due to special teams play – which can be a bit fluky – but the Mean Green also put a damper on the Bulldogs’ potent offense for much of the day. It’s entirely possible that UGA just had a bad day. In fact, it’s probable. No one seriously thinks that North Texas would fare any better than 45-21 if given another dozen chances. But UGA needs to make that its only lackluster effort of the season. If the Bulldogs try to pull a stunt like that against LSU, it won’t end well.

10. Florida State (defeated Bethune-Cookman 54-6) – Of all the absolute beat-downs dealt out last week, the Seminoles were the most humanitarian in the process. In a stunning diversion from the superhuman form that he showed in his first two games, Jameis Winston was simply good. Tragically, his 10-for-19 performance through the air left him with more incomplete passes this year than touchdown passes – the first time he’s crossed that border. Much like Clemson, FSU is simply in cruise control until the two teams meet up for their regularly scheduled showdown that will serve as a de facto mid-October ACC title game. A tougher schedule gets Clemson the nod for now, but perhaps the easy road has kept the ‘Noles from showing just how strong they can be.

11. UCLA (defeated New Mexico St. 59-13) – Stanford and Oregon have hogged the headlines for the last couple of years, but it’s safe to say that there is a third heavyweight in the Pac-12. It’s amazing how fast the power has changed hands in the greater Los Angeles area. Instead of USC starting as a powerhouse with UCLA in the basement and both slowly moving in different directions, everything has flip-flopped over the course of two seasons. Seemingly from out of nowhere, the Bruins are now the program with a Heisman-caliber quarterback and sights set on the BCS while the Trojans are getting all they want from teams like Utah State.

12. Oklahoma State (did not play) – After a knock-down, drag-out fight against Lamar, the Cowboys got a hard-earned week off. This week, OSU begins its Big XII schedule against a West Virginia team that is coming off of a pummeling at the hands of Maryland. What the hell happened to West Virginia? A month into last season, people were wondering if it was even possible to slow the Mountaineers down – much less stop them. Sure, Geno Smith and Steadman Bailey are gone, but you’d think that a school that has been known for its high-scoring and wide-open attack for almost a decade would have been able to find some semblance of an offensive threat even after a large senior class sees its way to the door.

13. The extra hour of College Gameday (defeating previously scheduled programming) – There’s only one thing that could have possibly been better than the two hours of college football pregame that has pumped over the ESPN airwaves for the last 15 or so years… and that’s THREE hours of the same thing. And don’t try to tell us that it was like this last year. Erin Andrews wanted her own show, despite any talent other than looking good, and probably would have found a way to sue ESPN for that little peephole video if she didn’t get her own platform. Luckily, Andrews moved on and the mothership knows how to take advantage of a good situation.

14. South Carolina (did not play) – There is no doubting that the Gamecocks are running an absurd amount of raw talent out onto the field each week. That said, the frequent shortcomings and near misses that wedge themselves into EVERY SINGLE South Carolina season are just too glaring to view them as a legitimate national title contender. The Gamecocks are already behind the 8-ball after their loss to Georgia and will need a ton of help over the last two-thirds of the season if UGA takes down LSU this week.

15. Miami (FL) (defeated Savannah State 77-7) – Shame on the Hurricanes for the sham of a game they actually charged people to attend. This is on the same level as the travesty that went on up at Ohio State. Games against FCS giants or struggling FBS programs are one thing – at least there is a somewhat level playing field in terms of talent or scholarship numbers. But to invite in the worst of the worst from a level of play that is already significantly lower is just ridiculous. The Hurricanes have enough trouble getting their fair-weather fans to come out and watch big games. Why waste a home date with an absolute throwaway?

16. Northwestern (defeated Maine 35-21) – The Wildcats didn’t look great in pounding out a win over Maine, but Northwestern might finally be rounding the injury-filled corner that it has been suffering through for the last few weeks. The Cats get the benefit of a doubt in the rankings going into their bye week, but we suggest that they get back on their ‘A’ game in a hurry as Ohio State awaits on Oct. 5. If Northwestern can find a way to win that showdown, the sky is the limit. All that would be keeping the Wildcats from the Legends Division (seriously… what the hell was the Big Ten thinking?) title is an inconsistent Michigan squad, a Michigan State team that can’t get a first down, and a Nebraska team that might be too wound up in watching Bo Pelini fistfight the entire city of Lincoln.

17. Oklahoma (did not play) – The Sooners drop a spot for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. We could only sift through so many teams taking the week off or playing absolute tomato cans before we just got sick of it. This really was the worst week of college football is a long, LONG time. We should just do a little planning and avoid these boring weeks. These lopsided non-conference games should only take place on the first weekend of the season or the weekend before Thanksgiving – right before the big rivalry games. Half play early. Half play later in the year. Both times, the public at least has a handful of watchable games to choose from.

18. Washington (defeated Idaho State 56-0) – The Huskies have come a long way from the absolute doormat they had become at the end of the last decade. Poor Jake Locker came in as one of the best freshman quarterbacks in the nation, then watched everything fall apart around him for three years. But those days are long gone in Seattle. Unfortunately for Washington, its newly revived program won’t even be the hottest ticket in town this weekend as Stanford takes on Washington State at Quest Field (We think that’s what the Seahawks’ stadium is named. We don’t know. Those things change every 15 minutes). It must suck for all of the Cougar fans that will have to make the nearly five hour drive across the entire state for a ‘home’ game. Then again, it must be pretty nice to be able to invade your biggest rival’s town for a week when you don’t even have any business being there.

19. Baylor (defeated Louisiana-Monroe 70-7) – Don’t look now, but there’s a new Oregon-type team on the block. Baylor isn’t just content to beat opponents. The Bears seem dead set on humiliating and shaming others. We wouldn’t be surprised if some of the Bears’ opponents this season decide to stop playing football and reevaluate their lives after a run-in with Baylor. In three games, Baylor has failed to score 70 points just once – in a 69 point showing. The scoring might slow down a bit as the Bears head into conference play, but no opponents close on the horizon look like they’ll cause the Bears’ locomotive of an offense to lose steam anytime soon. The Nov. 7 showdown with Oklahoma could easily be a matchup of 7-0 teams playing for the right to take on Oklahoma State later on in the season for a probable conference title.

20. Pajama pants (defeating other nightwear attire options) – Summer is great. The warm weather is perfect for most of the sports that we here at the poll love and work doesn’t seem nearly as brutal when you can leave while the sun is still out. That said, there is nothing worse than setting the A/C too high or having one of those obscenely humid nights where you wake up in the middle of the night plastered to your own pillow. It’s pretty tough to beat that first night in September when you can settle into some slippers and pajama pants without worrying about getting too toasty. When the USELESS Poll rules the college football universe, we’re mandated a pair of Homer Simpson slippers and standard flannel pajama pants for every household in America.

21. Florida (defeated Tennessee 31-17) – Far be it from us to celebrate any sort of injury, but it’s hard to blame Gator fans shedding crocodile tears for Jeff Driskel’s season-ending broken leg. Right on cue, Tyler Murphy came off the sideline and – overlooking the occasional unexpected shotgun snap to the face – led Florida to its most competent offensive performance in almost two years. Murphy should get some time to settle in as the UF defense alone can take care of Kentucky and Arkansas in the next couple of weeks, but he’ll really step into the fire in Death Valley on Oct. 12. Tyler Murphy might not be the answer for the Gators, but for the last few years, it’s looked like Driskel didn’t even know what the question was.

22. Notre Dame (defeated Michigan State 17-13) – Touchdown Jesus and winning the ugliest games possible… That’s what Notre Dame does. Personally, we think that Notre Dame is actively trying to win like this. The Irish are just out to troll the world. They’re like the team version of Johnny Manziel. The only thing that upsets people more than Notre Dame being good is when Notre Dame isn’t very good, but continues to rise in the polls due to narrowly escaping with wins against mediocre teams. The Irish will cause a full-blown hate frenzy if they can pull of the win against Oklahoma and some pundit starts talking about ND getting into the BCS race.

23. Michigan (defeated Connecticut 24-21) – Another week, another last-second escape for Michigan against a school that only about one-third of casual fans could identify as an FBS program. Of all the big programs that tend to underachieve each season, the Wolverines should feel the worst about it. Not only does Michigan play an almost-always weak non-conference schedule full of home games, but it plays in a very top-heavy conference in which it is in the top tier. The exodus of elite recruits from northern states to the south has been well documented, but the Michigan brand has been strong enough to continue to bring in highly regarded recruiting classes each season. That the Wolverines can’t easily work through all other conference schools not named Ohio State or Nebraska should be a troubling fact.

24. Fresno State (defeated Boise State 41-40) – Due to the late nature of last week’s poll, we pretty much covered everything in Fresno’s big win over Boise last Friday. Due to not wanting the poll to be similarly late this week, we’ll leave last week’s analysis to stand for another poll.

25. Texas Tech (defeated Texas State 33-7) – There are three Texas schools in this week’s poll, yet there is no sign of the Longhorns, the Horned Frogs, or even those plucky, non-BCS Cougars from Houston. What a strange world we’re living in. It’s pretty impressive that the Red Raiders can continue to hold their own, given the evolution of college football and their location on the map. While nearly 10 percent of all FBS teams make their home in Texas, only Texas Tech and UTEP play in the western two-thirds of the state. While this may have been a recruiting advantage in the past for Texas/Oklhoma/New Mexico kids in that desolate part of our nation, enhanced communication over the last decade should have allowed kids to escape their homes to more promising schools. Oh well. Enjoy Lubbock. We’d come and visit, but we’re still trying to find a road that goes there.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Central Florida, Ole Miss, Wisconsin

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Georgia Tech, Maryland

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.