USELESS Poll: Week 3

Well… That was a good season, everyone. We can all go home now. Sure, there are conference titles to be won and bowl games to be played, but that Alabama-Texas A&M game just ruined it for everyone else. That game had everything. Mr. Football came out guns blazing, Bama responded by looking like the undisputed No. 1 team in the country, and then – when left for dead on the side of the road – Jonathan Football, Esquire (He’s doing suffixes now. He’s that good.) nearly brought the Aggies all the way back.

Fittingly, the NCAA has nothing of note to offer this week. Or at least that’s what Vegas WANTS us to think. There is no such thing as a boring week of football. If none of this week’s matchups seem to jump off the page, then it’s time to start betting underdogs. These ‘boring’ weeks always seem to have a few upsets liven up the room.

But until those upsets happen, here’s how things stack up:

1. Alabama (defeated No. 8 Texas A&M 49-42) – It’s hard to know just what to think of the Crimson Tide after its huge win on the road against Texas A&M. There are just so many angles from which to look at things. On one hand, the Tide got its revenge on Johnny Football and the Aggies. On the other hand, can it really be called revenge – or a decisive victory – if Senor Football single-handedly put up over 550 yards of offense and the Aggies scored 42 points? We’ll go with the middle-of-the-road assessment from the always level-headed third hand. Alabama had its way with the Aggies for over half of the game, but still showed some big weaknesses in not being able to put TAMU away. Going into last week, no one would have claimed that the Tide was unbeatable, but there wasn’t much of a blueprint as to how to beat them. Bama will still be a tough out, but there is no doubting that several teams have what it takes to dethrone the king.

2. Oregon (defeated Tennessee 59-14) – Still focusing on Alabama, it seems that the best way to get past the Tide is to simply overwhelm them with offense. Oregon… this is the moment you’ve been waiting for. The Ducks don’t have an incredible defense, but their offense is mind-boggling. Oregon took a good chunk of the first quarter against Tennessee off and still put up 38 by halftime. Oregon runs seemingly thousands of different plays and formations – and does so at a break-neck pace – but the real danger lies in the amount of playmakers that the Ducks had at their disposal. By the third quarter of Saturday’s game, even the freshmen were making an SEC defense look totally helpless. Alabama surrendered 42 points to a Heisman winner and one or two other viable offensive threats. That could get even worse if the Tide had to stare down Marcus Marriota, DeAnthony Thomas, and a handful of other athletic freaks.

3. Clemson (did not play) – Things really couldn’t be shaping up any better for Clemson. Not only did the Tigers run with their lofty preseason ranking and take down Georgia in their season opener, but events seem to be conspiring to further prevent Clemson from shooting itself in the foot. The Tigers easily dispatched a South Carolina State team that was never going to be a threat and then got a week off to prepare for the start of its ACC schedule. The extra week and the opponent – N.C. State – should keep the Tigers’ focus. The Wolfpack derailed Florida State’s high ranking early last season, so Clemson likely won’t be taken by surprise if N.C. State shows up ready to fight. The Universe seems to be doing everything in its power to help Clemson from tripping over itself. Will the Tigers finally make it through this time? NOTE: This was written before Clemson’s win over N.C. State. The Tigers looked good, but that stupid personal foul and ejection knocked Clemson out of field goal range and kept the Tigers from covering the spread. Score one for the underdog bets this week.

4. Ohio State (defeated Cal 52-34) – In a shocking move, Ohio State played a non-conference game against a school that at least half the country had actually heard of. While we’re sure that the proud alumni of schools like Youngstown State, Bowling Green, Florida A&M (on the docket this week!!!) and all of those directional Michigans have every reason to love their schools, it’s pretty safe to say that Ohio State’s football scheduling is – more often than not – an absolute joke. The Buckeye defense certainly didn’t turn many heads last week, but backup quarterback Kenny Guiton seems to be a budding star. He won’t take snaps away from Braxton Miller once Miller is healthy, but OSU can be confident that it will retain an explosive offense even if its starting quarterback goes down.

5. Louisville (defeated Kentucky 27-13) – The Cardinals’ win over in-state rival Kentucky wasn’t dominating by any means, but it was one of the last big hurdles to clear of Louisville plans on running the table and making a dark-horse run at a national title. The Cardinals begin play in the Zombie Big East this weekend. One final test will be a regular season finale against Cincinnati that will likely decide the ZBE title and award a BCS bowl berth. Until then, Louisville plays eight teams with a combined five bowl victories in the last decade.

6. Georgia (did not play) – The Bulldogs didn’t get through the first few weeks of the season unscathed, but they managed to lose the right game. By dropping its opener to Clemson, Georgia not only avoided putting an SEC loss on its record, but – if neither team loses – will be plagued only by a close loss on the road to a top-5 team. For all of that hard work, UGA is rewarded with a total walkover in North Texas. Honestly, it’s a miracle that the Mean Green can sign a full recruiting class each year. North Texas is – at best – the eighth best of the state’s 12 FBS schools. That number could have been worse, but no one wanted to drive the extra 10 hours out to UTEP to make the comparison. Hopefully a bye week and a North Texas-flavored cupcake will recharge UGA’s batteries enough for a date with LSU next week. A win there would give the Bulldogs control of their own destiny with a much easier schedule coming back into the clubhouse.

7. Texas A&M (lost to No. 1 Alabama 49-42) – Last week was devastating for Aggie Nation. Texas A&M burst onto the scene last season and ruined the shit of most of the SEC West. Four division rivals were ranked ahead of the Aggies at the beginning of last year, but TAMU proved that it belongs – and is a force – in the most successful conference in the nation. Another win against Alabama would have put A&M on line for a shot at a national title game, but the Aggies now need a whole lot of luck just to sniff an appearance in the SEC championship game. But there’s no reason to get too beat up about things. Alabama watched the conference title game on TV two years ago before bringing home the national title. And with Johnny Freaking Football on TAMU’s side, anything is possible.

8. Stanford (defeated Army 34-20) – The Cardinal won unimpressively for the second week in a row, causing them to give up a bit of ground in this week’s poll. It’s easy to write Stanford off as a team that is very good, but that can’t compete for a national title. Then again, isn’t that the same exact kind of team Stanford has reached the top-5 with for the past three years or so? Sure, Andrew Luck was a once-in-a-generation talent, but there were no other superstars on those Stanford teams. This year’s Cardinal squad still lacks a name-brand talent and will likely stay under the radar, but there is no reason to think that – no matter how ugly – Stanford will keep on winning.

9. LSU (defeated Kent State 45-13) – Kent State wasn’t exactly a brick wall standing in the way of LSU’s progress, but it was nice to see the Tigers’ newfound offensive prowess continue to show itself. As we mentioned last week, the SEC is becoming much more of an offensive conference and any team wanting to win the conference will have to be a threat to put a lot of points on the board. This is where LSU finds itself at an advantage. The Tigers’ defense might not have the same raw talent of Bama or UGA, but it has plenty of experience and has gotten used to trying to win games all by itself. If the LSU offense keeps firing, there won’t be any good way to attack LSU at the end of the season.

10. Florida State (defeated Nevada 62-7) – Jameis Winston is really getting a quick read on how to handle his newfound superstardom. Sure, anybody could have come out in his first game and lucked into four quarters of absurdly good football. Winston took that first little boost and perfectly played his second appearance for maximum benefit. He and the FSU offense struggled juuuuussssst enough over the first 20 or so minutes of gameplay to get all of the talking heads interested in what was going on. Then, with everyone tuning in, Winston went off again. Currently, Winston has more touchdown passes (6) than he has incomplete pass attempts (5). That’s something that is hard to accomplish in a video game, much less in real life.

11. Alternate uniforms that aren’t black (defeats cliché gimmicks) – About a decade ago, something horrible happened to college football. One or two teams decided to have a ‘black out’ featuring black jerseys that were totally new color schemes for their schools. A couple of nationally-relevant upsets later, EVERYBODY decided to jump on the black bandwagon. Please understand, black uniforms aren’t necessarily bad. Some teams pull it off really well (who needs a good team when you look so good, right Hawaii?). But many more teams just looked ridiculous while trying to look tough in their black unis. Thankfully, this year’s crop of new and alternate uniforms features much more creativity. Southern Miss changed its helmets from black and plain to a retro-looking design on a yellow helmet that looks awesome. Even better are the new chrome candy stripe helmets that Indiana is rocking. There really is no shortage of cool new designs… far too many to point out there. The moral of the story is that there are a few schools out there with black serving as a main component of their color schemes. Just leave the black uniforms to them and go find a unique idea that works for you.

12. Oklahoma State (defeated Lamar 59-3) – It’s bad enough that the Cowpokes delved into the FCS ranks for an easy early-season win, but they also went ahead and picked the most boring sounding school in history. Lamar is as vanilla of a name as you can get, whether we’re talking about schools or just normal names. Luckily for OSU, it gets a bye week to recover after what was surely a titanic struggle against *flips through college football encyclopedia* the Cardinals. The Cowboys seem to be the favorite to take the Big XII, but will have to keep their guard up against West Virginia this week.

13. UCLA (defeated Nebraska 41-21) – The Bruins have the easiest job in college football for the time being. With Oregon hogging all of the highlights, Stanford struggling against the likes of Army, and Lane Kiffin on the hot seat, UCLA is – at best – the fourth biggest story in the Pac-12 despite the fact that it is easily one of the more dangerous teams in the entire country. Combine all of those conference headlines that will keep UCLA in the dark with the east coast bias of the rest of the country’s sports media and the Bruins are free to make a run up the standings without creating a stir or having to give in to outside distractions.

14. Miami (FL) (did not play) – Forgive us for throwing around platitudes, but how full of shit are all of the weathermen of the country? When the summer began, the national weather service did its damndest to convince everyone that eleventy billion hurricanes were destined to batter the East and Gulf coasts up and down for months on end. We realize that networks need to stir up drama to keep the ratings up, but we would have thought that the weather channel was above that. Miami has looked like a legitimate contender so far, but it will be dragged down by association if some sub-tropical storm doesn’t ruin everyone’s shit soon.

15. South Carolina (defeated Vanderbilt 35-25) – Whoever is running the Vanderbilt athletic media relations department really needs an award. From our base in the heart of SEC country, we could have been sure that – due to all of the storylines accompanying Vandy stories – the Commodores were legitimate threats and a viable national power. Rest assured, everyone, Vandy is the same piece of crap it’s always been. South Carolina might actually be able to accomplish something somewhere down the line. Let’s just keep the focus on teams that can actually win a nationally televised game.

16. Oklahoma (defeated Tulsa 52-20) – The Sooners find themselves in a very enviable position. Oklahoma isn’t being touted by anyone as a potential title contender, but some high-profile opponents that aren’t all that great lining up the next month’s schedule could serve as a catapult for OU regardless of whether or not it deserves the recognition. We wouldn’t bet our mortgage on the Sooners taking down Notre Dame, TCU and Texas, but if they do, they’ll easily jump into the top-10 without having to have beaten anything even resembling a national power.

17. Northwestern (defeated Western Michigan 38-17) – Normally, middling teams in the national poll that suffer injuries to their key players don’t have a long stay. As usual, Northwestern seems determined to buck that trend.  The Wildcats have been lacking the services of one of their dual quarterbacks and of their All-American return man/only legitimate rushing threat Venric Mark for the last couple of weeks, but are still putting up the points. If Nebraska stays on its self-destruct course, the Wildcats have a decent chance of making a run to the Big Ten championship game. Sooner or later, someone is going to be forced to give Pat Fitzgerald a ‘Coach of the Year’ award for somehow getting the Wildcats into the rankings at some point each season.

18. Washington (defeated Illinois 34-24) – Washington pulled off the always-tough task of travelling east by a few time zones and bringing home a win. The Huskies have finished just barely over .500 in the last two seasons, but seem to be taking the next step. Next up for Washington is Idaho State. That doesn’t seem right. That makes three football playing Idaho schools we’re aware of, while there is only one – maybe one and a half – actual cities in Idaho that we can name. Upon further research, it is now known that the Idaho State Bengals play in Pocatello. One of ISU’s main dorms is named Rendezvous Hall, which sounds like a really half-assed attempt of throwing a name on the side of a building where a college-themed porn is being filmed. Ain’t no porn like rural Idahoan porn. That’s what we always say.

19. Michigan (defeated Akron 28-24) – The Wolverines took the idea of a let-down game way too far when they just about tanked against Akron. If not for a goal line stand in the waning seconds, Michigam would have been out of the poll entirely. We’re pretty sure that you aren’t legally allowed to be ranked during a season in which you lose to a team called the Zips. For having the largest stadium in the country, it’s amazing how little of a home field advantage the Big House provides. With no upper decks, there is nothing to keep crowd noise from going straight up and out of the stadium and the 110,000 or so seats have nowhere to go but farther away from the field. If you snag a seat in the top row of the stadium, you’re about ¼ mile away from the action.

20. Team celebrations (defeating all other teams, obviously) – We can’t believe that no baseball team ever had the good sense to utilize a unique stadium landmark for a celebration before. Did you see the Dodgers celebrating their N.L. West title by splashing around in the Diamondbacks’ pool? That was classic. And there are so many other potential celebratory options out there. Clinch in Milwaukee? Everybody take a trip down Bernie Brewer’s slide. Big win in Miami? Go out to the nightclub in left field and snort a line off of a transvestite’s ass. Bringing home a pennant from Philly? Engage the locals in their traditional postgame D-cell battery war. The only tough one would be Boston. If some N.L. team wins the World Series at Fenway, the only real feature/custom of the park to be taken advantage of would be climbing the MOHNSTAH and slamming down a dozen Sam Adams’ while reminiscing about the 2004 SAWX. That is literally the only thing that Boston fans ever do.

21. Baylor (did not play) – There aren’t many big-time showdowns on the college slate this week - see: College Gameday going to North Dakota to (probably) horribly misrepresent the FCS football landscape – but there is a rematch from one of the most thrilling games of 2012. Last season, Baylor outlasted Louisiana-Monroe 47-42 in a game that had the over covered by halftime. The Warhawks have come back down to earth after that huge upset of Arkansas and their subsequent almost-upset of Auburn last season, but they’re still dangerous. This could turn into another very entertaining matchup. Big XII play starts next week for Baylor, so the Bears might just get caught looking ahead.

22. Florida (did not play) – You know that your team has some issues when a bye week doesn’t affect your offensive output all that much. It would seem as though the Gators should be able to get the ball moving a bit this week as they take on a Tennessee team that allowed 59 points to Oregon in about three quarters. Then again, it would be an insult to Oregon to categorize both what it does and what Florida does as offense. The Gator defense should continue to dominate and will likely get the team another win, but less than a month remains before a showdown with LSU. If Florida can’t get Jeff Driskel’s head right by then, things are going to get ugly.

23. Ole Miss (defeated Texas 44-23) – Poor Ole Miss. In any other season, the Rebels would be poised to take the nation by storm and shoot up the rankings. Unfortunately, it’s very likely that their stay in the USELESS Poll will only last another week or two. With three juggernauts lurking in front of them in the SEC West, the overachieving Rebels are a great story, but are headed straight for a brick wall. If only Ole Miss played in the SEC East, they might be the dark horse pick to win the division. On the bright side, the Rebs are making waves with a ton of freshmen and sophomores. If they continue to improve, Mississippi will be in great position to become a conference power once Johnny Football and some of the LSU and ‘Bama players move on.

24. Notre Dame (defeated Purdue 31-24) – The Fighting Irish got back to what they do best, and that isn’t necessarily a good thing. As it has done so many times in the last few years, Notre Dame lined up against a totally outgunned opponent and then proceeded to play like dog crap for three quarters before finally finding a way to pull out an ugly win. Everyone figured that the loss of Everett Golson due to that cheating scandal would hurt the offense, but the bigger concern is the defense. Plenty of starters returned from last season’s lockdown defensive unit, but 2013 isn’t going nearly as smoothly. They’re probably just a little uptight due to all of the expectations. They should all loosen up. Maybe hop on the computer and find a totally real, totally single, totally hot, totally not-at-all made up girl to talk to. That’s always a winning strategy.

25. Fresno State (defeated Boise State 41-40) – The Bulldogs have officially become this season's little engine that could. Nothing can drive that point home harder than defeating perennial upset threat Boise State. The Broncos are in a bit of a rebuilding mode this season and weren't predicted to be a BCS-buster, but Fresno almost forgot the most important rule about going up against the blue turfers. Namely, Boise State is the villain from every cheesy horror movie ever made. You can burn BSU, stomp it, shoot it, stab it, drown it, open up a portal to Hell and throw BSU in, but they're still coming back for you in the last minute of the movie. Fresno built up a 34-19 lead in the third quarter, only to see the Broncos rattle off three straight touchdowns. In the end - perhaps taking the torch from Boise - it was Fresno that had the last-second heroics, scoring with two minutes to  go to get back in front. The road is now wide open for Fresno as it will be easily favored in every game from here on out.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Texas Tech, Michigan State

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Georgia Tech, Northern Illinois, Central Florida

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.