USELESS Poll: Week 2

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Plenty of movin’ and shakin’ going on this week, just not at the top of our poll. While the superpowers of the land continued to lay waste to all challengers, a few of the middling members of last week’s poll were done in by some glaring weaknesses that were just waiting to jump up and bite them.

But there’s still plenty of football to play. We trudge on into the second week of September where – according to USELESS correspondents not located in the swamps of South Georgia – temperatures are starting to get a bit more pleasant, making for more action-packed games and longer stints of pregame tailgating.

This week treats us to the game of the century of the year as Alabama tries to avenge last year’s upset at the hands of Texas A&M. Only one other game features two ranked teams squaring off, but with conference schedules starting and familiar rivals squaring off, things are about to get much less predictable.

On to the haves and have-nots of the week:

1. Alabama (did not play) – For nearly an entire year, Alabama has had this week circled on the calendar. Last season, the Tide became the first team in the BCS era to win back-to-back national championships. Never one to let something like national success and hundreds of thousands of adoring fans let him feel joy for even a moment, Nick Saban didn’t so much as cracked a smile when Alabama won the title last season. Perhaps his disdain is due to one Jonathan Football, who single-handedly prevented the Tide from running the table last year. Alabama’s own ridiculous level of success has made the rematch against Texas A&M a must-win game. Even if the Tide bounced back from a loss to win a third straight national title, losing to Mr. Football again would basically make this season a total loss for Bama fans, who may be getting just a bit out of hand.

2. Oregon (defeated Virginia 59-10) – Why the hell would Oregon go all the way across the country to play an out of conference game? Don’t take that the wrong way. We’re not advocating national powers scheduling cupcake after cupcake. We love the Ducks’ willingness to take on a school that – while not a power by any means – is at least from a big conference. The main issue here is why Oregon would ever leave home. The Ducks have the money to pay for other schools to come in. And this isn’t about getting a home field advantage. This is all about enjoying the finer things in life. Have you seen the James Bond villain’s lair that is the Oregon football operations center? Truly, it stands as a testament to the arrogance of man. Honestly, it’s amazing that the Ducks ever lose a recruiting battle.

3. This space intentionally left blank – The only reason that Oregon is listed at No. 2 and not No. 1A is because we aren’t that great with computers and formatting. Getting the numbering system back on track after that would be a task much tougher than pouring over states and assigning a rank to each team. So, in lieu of trying to represent a near dead heat via numbering, let this placeholder serve as a representation of the void that exists between the top two teams and the rest of the college football universe. The best part about these two teams is how strikingly different their styles of play are while being equally dominant. Alabama is powerful, clinical, and effortlessly efficient in controlling nearly every facet of the game. Then, over on the left coast, Oregon is running around in Halloween costumes playing a style of football most closely resembling a crack-addled 10 year old playing NCAA 14 on his Playstation. Either way, no one else is close to touching these two schools for the top spots.

4. Ohio State (defeated San Diego State 42-7) – Last week, the Buckeyes took some flak for not dominating an overmatched opponent quite thoroughly enough. Luckily for Ohio State, it’s still September, so there is no shortage of overmatched opponents remaining on the schedule. The Bucks still don’t have any proven gamebreakers on offense outside of Braxton Miller, so it was quite a scare when he went down last weekend. Miller might not be 100 percent this week, but it’s likely that OSU can rest him all it wants as an unimpressive Cal awaits this week, followed by Florida A&M. It must really suck to be stuck with tickets to that FAMU game. With the band still on timeout due to that whole ‘killing a kid via hazing’ business, the best part of attending any Rattlers game is on indefinite hiatus.

5. Clemson (defeated South Carolina State 52-13) – One small minus and one big plus for the Tigers last week. In trouncing South Cackalacky State, the Tigers were so quick and brutal in building a lead that USELESS Poll Heisman pick Tajh Boyd wasn’t able to do much stat-padding to help his cause. He probably could have stayed in for another quarter without drawing too much ire for rubbing in a big victory, but that’s precisely why Clemson gets a big plus… It’s acting like a team that plans on succeeding in the long run. Wholesale changes were made in the second quarter to ensure that no freak injuries derailed what is the Tigers’ best team in ages. Another dominating performance for the Tigers in their first conference game vs. N.C. State this weekend might be enough to see them overtake the Buckeyes in the next poll.

6. Stanford (defeated San Jose State 34-13) – Okay… So that was a pretty vanilla showing for the Cardinal, even after getting an extra week to prepare for their opener. But let’s all calm down and take a trip back to last season, when Stanford just barely survived a 20-17 win against San Jose State. All that Cardinal team was able to do after the scare was to go 12-2, win the Pac-12, claim a Rose Bowl victory, and earn bragging rights as the only team able to keep Oregon’s rouge group of X-Men posing as skill position players from going nuts. Fun fact: Oregon scored just 14 points in the Cardinal’s upset win last year. The next lowest score total for the Ducks was 35 in its Fiesta Bowl win. The next lowest regular season scoring total was 43.

7. Georgia (defeated No. 9 South Carolina 41-30) – Last week, we chose to throw the Bulldogs a bone. The rest of the country sent UGA tumbling down the rankings after a very close loss, on the road, to Clemson. Georgia made good on its second chance by looking like the better team for four quarters against the Fightin’ Clowneys of South Carolina. The Bulldogs finally get their first breather of the season this week as they should have little to no trouble with North Texas. But then it’s right back into the grinder as LSU comes to town. A win in two weeks would make the SEC East UGA’s to lose as just one tough conference game would remain on the schedule.

8. Texas A&M (defeated Sam Houston State 65-28) – All of the headlines for this week are screaming ‘Johnny Football vs. Alabama’, but that won’t be the deciding factor in the showdown. Manziel has made it very apparent that nobody is going to stop him – be it from scoring touchdowns or acting like a drunk, over-entitled frat kid on Ladies Night at the local dive bar. Johnny Football is going to move the chains and score points. The problem for Texas A&M is that its defense tends to allow the same thing to happen. If Alabama’s offense can improve from a lackluster opening effort, Johnny Football isn’t going to be able to keep up with the Tide.

9. Louisville (defeated Eastern Kentucky 44-7) – Teddy Bridgewater has spent the first two weeks of the season making what is supposed to be intense college football competition into his own personal video game. Bridgewater has already passed for 752 yards and nine touchdowns while completing a ridiculous 76 percent of his passes. Normally, facing an SEC team in Week three after downing a couple of cupcakes would be a threatening task, but Kentucky is just going out of its way to be awful lately. The Cardinals are favored by over two touchdowns and - with Bridgewater needing as many impressive stats as possible for his Heisman campaign - won't hesitate to keep their foot on the gas if the opportunity presents itself.

10. LSU (defeated Alabama-Birmingham 56-17) – Another week goes by and the Bayou Bengals continue to look like a team that isn’t brand new to the concept of offense. Granted, the Blazers aren’t much of a challenge, but this is the same LSU that managed all of 12 points against an Auburn squad that went 0-8 in SEC play last season. It’s a bit strange how the tables have turned in the conference. Just a few years ago, the SEC  title was basically decided when LSU or Auburn or Georgia or a few other teams proved that their awesome defense (as all of them were) was the best. This season, it seems as if the highest-profile conference games will be shootouts. Georgia and South Carolina have already participated in one and the LSU-UGA game next week looks like it might be more of the same. Throw in an Alabama squad that has much more raw talent and experience on the offensive side of the ball and the SEC is slowly turning into the Big XII.

11. Florida State (did not play) – The Seminoles were off last weekend… and Jameis Winston threw for 350 yards and four more touchdowns. It’s a shame that Clemson and Florida State are in the same division of the ACC. This is going to be like the 2011 SEC West season or last year’s Pac-12 North. It was PAINFULLY obvious that the combinations of LSU-Alabama and Stanford-Oregon were head and shoulders above the rest of their respective conferences, but a mid-October matchup had to serve as a de facto title game since both teams couldn’t meet in the conference championship matchup. The only consolation is that neither Clemson nor FSU plays anyone that could be viewed as an upset threat before their matchup on Oct. 19. If a few other teams lose before then, this could easily be a meeting of two top-5 teams.

12. Oklahoma State (defeated UTSA 56-35) – We’re a little miffed that we had to resort to an acronym for the University of Texas at San Antonio in the intro to this slot. Being known by initials is sort of a right of passage. You should have to prove something in order to be recognized by just your initials. Unfortunately, if your name is incredibly long and drawn out, it becomes a two-line header that just looks unseemly. UTSA’s only redeeming quality as it moves into the FBS is that it brings another unique/awesome nickname into the fold as they are the Roadrunners. The school now joins Warhawks, Rajin’ Cajuns, Chippewas, and Runnin’ Rebels as a sweet nickname that is totally undeserved by its less-than-sweet football team. The Cowpokes may have surrendered 35 points, but 28 of those came in the fourth quarter, well after the starters were already showered and in street clothes.

13. Michigan (defeated No. 13 Notre Dame 41-30) – It might be a little while before the Wolverines get the Fighting Irish back in the Big House, but Michigan made it count. Devin Gardner – despite throwing what may have been the most ill-advised pass in the history of football – definitely made himself a household name with a great performance in primetime against the defending national runners up. Ohio State is definitely the team to beat in the Big Ten, but Michigan looks like it’s ready to be the top contender. Three tough conference games dot the road between the Wolverines and their Nov. 30 showdown with the Buckeyes, but if both teams make it there unscathed, the resulting game will amount to a strange situation as one top-10 matchup would give way to the exact same pairing a week later in the conference championship game.

14. Oklahoma (defeated West Virginia 16-7) – The Sooners don’t look like a threat to run away with a national championship, but a weak Big XII puts them in position to make a run at a big payday in a high-profile bowl game. Oklahoma didn’t look great in its conference opener against West Virginia, but with Texas looking more and more like a dumpster fire each day, there simply isn’t much tough competition out there. If the Sooners can manage to avoid upsets and come away with at least one win in games vs. TCU and Baylor, the Bedlam Game could easily have the conference title riding on the line.

15. Miami (FL) (defeated No. 15 Florida 21-16) – It’s a shame that Miami and Florida don’t match up more often. For the longest time, Miami and Florida State had a standing date for a Labor Day meeting. While both teams were usually good, there was so much hatred for each other that the teams – already a little off since it was the first game of the season – got WAAAAYYY too hyped up and inevitably provided one of the ugliest games of the year. On the other hand, the Canes and Gators played a much cleaner game while being every bit as intense and competitive. Miami looks like the main competition in the ACC for whichever team prevails over FSU and Clemson, but things look much bleaker for the Gators. Until Florida puts up consistent offense, third place in the SEC East is the best it can hope for.

16. South Carolina (lost to No. 6 Georgia 41-30) – The Gamecocks can only hope that history repeats itself. Last season, South Carolina dealt Georgia an embarrassing early-season loss, only to see the Bulldogs rebound to win the division. The Gamecocks dug themselves in an early hole as UGA outgunned them last weekend and they are now effectively two games behind in the division race. On the bright side, the Gamecocks have drawn the conference schedule equivalent of a golden ticket, avoiding LSU, Alabama and Texas A&M. That was the key to UGA’s run to the SEC title game last season, so South Carolina needs to take care of business the rest of the way and hope that trends continue.

17. Northwestern (defeated Syracuse 48-27) – Taking down Syracuse certainly isn’t a monumental accomplishment, but the Wildcats have every reason to be feeling pretty good about themselves. For many years, Northwestern has battled its way into the rankings, only to have its roster – which is usually light on game-breaking talent – depleted by injury. In their first game, the Wildcats sustained injuries to their two best offensive players and their only very good pass defender, but still came away with a win. Two of the three didn’t suit up against Syracuse, and the Cats still had no trouble in running away with a win. No one is going to accuse Northwestern of being a world beater anytime soon, but the Wildcats seem to be getting more and more comfortable with the idea of being the better team most weeks.

18. UCLA (did not play) – Dealing with a tragedy is tough, no matter the circumstance. Doing so as a team while in the national spotlight is even more challenging. Nick Pasquale wouldn’t have been a difference maker – and likely wouldn’t have even seen the field – this week against Nebraska. But it has to be brutal for his teammates to prepare for a big game between two very talented teams when a friend isn’t there and his absence is all that anyone wants to talk about. As trivial as wins and losses may seem when a 20 year old kid just lost his life, winning games is the only way that Pasquale’s teammates can really try to honor him. Neither tears nor victories will bring him back, but the Bruins might as well pursue the option that their fallen teammate would have been working towards if he was able to take the field again.

19. Notre Dame (lost to No. 21 Michigan 41-30) – The Fighting Irish are a very talented team, but there is no denying that they are missing Everett Golson under center. Sure, Tommy Rees won the opener and played pretty well against Michigan, but the ND defense isn’t the dominating force that it was last season. Golson’s dual threat abilities not only put points on the board, but also kept the clock moving and gave the Irish defense more time on the bench. Notre Dame is still a force to be reckoned with, but a schedule that still includes Arizona St., Oklahoma, and Stanford is going to be tough to get through without at least one more loss. Another BCS bowl might be out of the question this season, but at least the Irish will continue to dominate the always-compelling world of non-conference-affiliated schools. Raise the nihilism banner and raise it high!!!

20. Wisconsin (defeated Tennessee Tech 48-0) – If you’re going to play a bunch of punching bags in the opening weeks, you may as well at least punch the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s been the story of the Badgers’ season so far as they have beaten back the titans of college football that are UMass and Tennessee Tech by a combined score of 93-0. After last season’s underwhelming performance, the Badgers aren’t burning hot on anyone’s radar, but they have a friendly schedule on their side. Wisconsin has challenging games against Arizona State, Northwestern and Ohio State through the second week of October, but should be a significant favorite in every contest after that.

21. September (defeating all other months despite 12:1 odds) – There just isn't a better month on the calendar. Not only do we have football starting up and some of the most important baseball games of the year being played, but it's also my birthday month. Sure, my beloved Georgia Southern Eagles don't have a ton to play for this season and my Phillies have been out of contention since July, but football on both the college and pro levels will provide plenty of entertainment through the next few months and hockey season drops the puck in just a few weeks.

22. Washington (did not play) – How exactly does any team in the Northwest come to be good at college football? We can understand that Oregon’s funhouse is going to attract a lot of talent and Stanford is obviously a bastion of hope for anyone who can play football AND has the smarts to make a seven-figure salary in something that isn’t pro sports, but there aren’t many other schools that should ever be successful. The states of Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, and everything in California north of Los Angeles are – to put it nicely – pretty much a wasteland for high school football. Combine that with the colder temperatures and general middle-of-nowhere-ness of those locales and it’s amazing that any of these schools can get enough talent assembled at one time to be a legitimate power. Then again, Washington’s quick resurgence in high-quality football JUST SO HAPPENS to coincide with all that legal marijuana business. Coincidence?

23. Fresno State (defeated Cal Poly 41-25) – We just came to the realization that David Carr’s little brother is the starting quarterback for the Bulldogs. That more than makes up for a pair of wins that weren’t as impressive when they could have been. Remember when David Carr almost won the Heisman? Remember when David Carr was the No. 1 pick in the draft? Remember when David Carr had a working nervous system before the expansion Texans allowed him to be sacked approximately 137 times every week? Fresno will have to sharpen things up a bit if it wants to stay undefeated, but doing so might just get Derek to that BCS bowl that David could never reach.

24. Florida (lost to Miami (FL) 21-16) – The Gators obviously haven’t learned last year’s lesson of needing to be able to sustain drives and reach the end zone if they want to be successful. Once again, the Florida defense quieted an opponent with plenty of offensive weapons, only to see Jeff Driskel and company spend four quarters running a remedial playbook and getting bogged down every time they crossed midfield. If the Gators can’t win a defensive struggle against a good-but-not-great Miami squad, they’re really going to be up against it when they have to take on high-powered offenses like Georgia.

25. Baylor (defeated Massachusetts 45-0) – How strange is it that Texas and TCU are currently in a race to be the third best team in their own state? Most fans wrote of the Bears as a one-hit wonder due to having Robert Griffin III under center, but Baylor hasn’t missed a beat since his departure. The Bears still don’t have a good enough defense to take on top-10 powers, but it’s becoming more and more clear that Art Briles and his wide open offensive schemes aren’t going anywhere. He won over 80 percent of his games as a head coach at three different high schools, made Houston a non-BCS conference darling, and now has Baylor – former perennial doormat of the Big XII – looking like a potential BCS conference champioin.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Nebraska, Mississippi, Arizona State

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  BYU, Michigan State

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.