USELESS Poll: Week 1

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Now that football has officially gotten underway, don’t things just seem a little bit better? Sure, there is a long way to go before a champion is crowned or heated conference races get settled. It’s not even like there is football weather outside – at least not at USELESS Poll headquarters in south Georgia.

But there is definitely a different feel in the air once football kicks off. Baseball is a great way to fill the hot summer nights, but football is much better suited to drinking a few beers and screaming at the television along with a couple of close friends or an entire bar full of complete strangers. After all, the cooler weather and longer nights will be creeping in soon enough. Now is the time to find those social activities that will get us through the fall and winter.

And what a great first week we had. There were no monuments upsets, but there were still plenty of surprises. Whether your team inspired you to start seeking airfare for a January bowl or has already made you register a domain name for fire(yourcoach’snamehere).com, there is no doubting that the action is finally here.

On to this week’s rankings.

1. Alabama (defeated Virginia Tech 35-10) – It is absolutely absurd to even entertain the notion that a college team could ever hope to hang against an NFL squad. It’s just not rational. The best collegiate teams might have a dozen future pros on the roster – most of whom will be backups or quickly fizzle out. A pro team – even a bad one – has 53 NFL players on the squad. It’s not even worth discussing. That said, Alabama clearly needs to find some middle ground between NCAA and NFL competition in order to test itself. It came as no surprise that the Crimson Tide washed over Virginia Tech in its opener, but it must suck to root for a team whose fanbase was mostly perturbed about ONLY winning by 25 against a decent team.

2. Oregon (defeated Nicholls 66-3) – It’s a good thing for Oregon that it has that steadily flowing pipeline of Nike money. Aside from other companies looking to associate themselves with the Ducks, it’d be a risky move to advertize with the school in any other form. Lots of schools have some corporate partner that will donate some token sum for every instance of some counting stat in a game. No company could pay for Oregon’s offensive accomplishments without going broke. If someone could get Make-A-Wish to shell out based on Ducks touchdowns, it’d be Disney World trips and superhero-for-a-day adventures for everyone!

3. Ohio State (defeated Buffalo 40-20) – Plenty of people argue that Ohio State isn’t quite an elite program and that it will take more than the tutelage of Urban Meyer to stop the reign of the SEC in the national title hunt. But the Buckeyes never fail to look like a national power in their willingness to search far and wide to avoid any sort of challenge early in the season. OSU ran all over the place and built a huge lead before Buffalo made things a bit interesting, possibly because the Buckeyes were 15 minutes late in getting back from halftime due to watching the new Breaking Bad in the locker room. The Buckeyes have the talent to run the table and put themselves in the national championship picture, but a weak schedule will force OSU to stay perfect as any slip-ups will be the end of it.

4. Clemson (defeated No. 4 Georgia 38-35) – For all of the upsets and storylines happening in the first week of the season, the strangest of all might have been opening up the Sunday paper to see that Clemson had taken lofty expectations and a national stage and managed not to throw up all over itself. The Tigers looked exactly like the top-10 team they were projected to be in beating – and at many times dominating – fellow title contender Georgia. Clemson did have the home field advantage and did have to recover an onside kick to ice away the victory, but that’s several huge leaps forward from all of the previous Tiger squads that would have melted under the spotlight. The only downside to Clemson’s bowl win over LSU last season and the big start to 2013 is the immanent flood of poor children who will be named Dabo.

5. Stanford (did not play) – The Cardinal opted out of the craziness of the opening week. Another stellar move by those book-smart Stanford kids. While all of those other teams probably neglected anything that wasn’t related to football over the last week, Stanford players were settling into their class schedules and staying academically eligible. In terms of being a national title contender without drawing too much unnecessary attention, the Cardinal have the blueprint perfected. Those late west coast start times will make them invisible to the media until they’ve rattled off at least five or six wins to start the season. Combine that with vanilla, pro-style offensive and defensive schemes and a conference rival that soaks up all of the headlines and Stanford is the perfect dark horse title pick.  

6. Georgia (lost to No. 6 Clemson 38-35) – The USELESS Poll predicted this nightmare scenario for the Bulldogs in the preseason edition. After two seasons worth of drawing lucky schedules in SEC play (but managing to hit snags along the way), UGA brought a title-worthy team into 2013 only to get cut down by a tougher schedule before the party even had a chance to start. That’s not to say that all hopes of a national title are totally lost. After all, plenty of teams have finished on top despite a loss. All that Georgia has to do is win 13 straight against a schedule that still includes South Carolina, LSU, Florida (hypothetically) the SEC West champ, and a top-2 team in a bowl game. Seems simple enough to us.

7. Texas A&M (defeated Rice 52-31) – Hey, everybody. Do ya remember that time B-B-Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Muddogs won the Bourbon Bowl? Do ya? Johnny Manziel is a lot of things, and not all of those things are good. But the one thing that Mr. Football is not is boring. In just one half of play, Johnny racked up almost 200 yards of offense, three touchdowns, a taunting penalty, and another benching – this time by his own coach. At this point, the whole Manziel saga has devolved into a weird sideshow focusing on just how low he can go. Maybe next week he can toss a 50-yard touchdown before making out with an opposing cheerleader and cold-cocking the rival mascot.

8. Louisville (defeated Ohio 49-7) – No offense to the Cardinals, but their inclusion in national championship discussions only further proves how messed up the BCS system has been for the better part of two decades. Louisville’s only real hurdle on the schedule is a date with Cincinnati to close out the regular season. Now, the USELESS Poll has often argued that there is nothing inherently wrong with a weak schedule – and especially when over 75 percent of a team’s games are conference contests that the team has no say in scheduling. Some pundits will mention Louisville’s easy schedule in the Zombie Big East, but you won’t hear nearly as much outcry as in previous years when non-BCS conference teams like Boise State or TCU had just as much talent and more impressive wins that what Louisville could end up with. We’re not here to shout conspiracy from the rooftops, but it seems very clear that the NCAA and its rankings don’t really care at all about the strength of a school’s schedule as long as that school has the good fortune of playing in a conference with a BCS bowl tie-in.

9. South Carolina (defeated North Carolina 27-10) – Despite God’s best efforts at pumping some life into Jadaveon Clowney by throwing lightning bolts at him in the second half, the trendy defensive Heisman pick and assumed No. 1 draft pick next spring was underwhelming in his 2013 debut. But let’s give Clowney a break. He has no shot at the Heisman. Even if voters are prepared to give him credit, a season full of opponents triple-teaming the defensive end and quarterbacks rolling away from him on almost every passing play is going to put too big of a hit on Clowney’s stats to be able to stake a decent claim to the trophy. Meanwhile, Steve Spurrier is already in midseason form. After watching starting QB Connor Shaw tear through the Heels on the first two drives of the night, the Old Ball Coach did the typical Spurrier thing by immediately replacing him with the second string quarterback. This is usually the kind of circus that prevents the Gamecocks from realizing their potential, but two good quarterbacks might be able to throw a wrench in Spurrier’s ill-fated plans.

10. The FCS (the best .258 winning pct. ever) – No matter what sport we’re talking about, 8-23 isn’t a good record. At least, it isn’t all that impressive unless we’re talking about 30 teams who are all set up to fail miserably by way of scholarship deficits, lack of funds for recruiting, and having to open their season on the road managing to come away with seven victories. That 8-23 mark was a coup for the FCS. Even ranked teams weren’t safe as Oregon State fell to Eastern Washington. In a sport that seems to have no limit to how much it can grow, last weekend was a big shot in the arm for the FCS. Avid fans of teams that routinely compete for FCS titles would have sworn up and down that the top tier of this lower division could easily pick off the low-hanging fruit of the FBS. The opening week of 2013 proved that it is more than just talk.

11. Florida State (defeated Pittsburgh 41-13) – Allow us to be the first to exclaim our undying love and affection for Jameis Winston. Is there a way that any freshman could have possibly had a better first night? The Seminoles’ highly-touted redshirt freshman was nothing less than spectacular in his debut, going 25-for-27 through the air and accounting for 381 total yards and five touchdowns. In a best case scenario, Winston and Tahj Boyd will continue their great play and square off in a de facto Heisman battle on October 19. In Florida State’s next game, we feel it’s totally rational to expect Winston to take flight and cure three kids of cancer on the way to scoring seven touchdowns and halving the state’s unemployment rate.

12. LSU (defeated No. 24 TCU 37-27) – The fact that LSU was able to handle TCU in its season opener wasn’t a huge surprise. The fact that the Bayou Bengals took control of the game with an aggressive offense was a bit unexpected. TCU is no pushover. The Horned Frogs had battled their way to national recognition as a non-BCS school and led the Big XII in defense in their first season. They returned nine starters from that defense and were subsequently thrashed by an offense that struggled to go anywhere at times last season. The biggest difference has to be LSU’s addition of Cam Cameron as its new offensive coordinator. Sure, the guy flamed out of the pros, but just look at his name. CAM CAMERON. That couldn’t be more fitting for the college life. He probably gets an honorary pledge just for having the frattiest name ever.

13. Notre Dame (defeated Temple 28-6) – It was good to see that the Fighting Irish defense managed to regain its pride and pick up almost all of the teeth that got knocked in during that debacle of a national championship game. Of course, that defense – even if it does live up to its lofty expectations – will only take the team so far. The Irish offense didn’t do anything wrong in its opening win, but the absence of Everett Golson at quarterback was painfully evident. The Irish don’t have a big playmaker on offense and Tommy Rees can’t be trusted to pass for 300 yards every week. The defense should hold up fine against even its toughest tests, but the points will be harder to come by as the competition increases.

14. Oklahoma State (defeated Mississippi State 21-3) – When you think of top rated teams and the opening week of the season, a 21-3 score doesn’t quite fit the trends. But Oklahoma deserves a break for not joining its highly regarded brethren in putting up video game numbers in its first game. Not only did the Cowboys take on a team from a BCS conference, but it dared to stare down a team from the unshakable SEC. Furthermore, Okie State won with exactly the type of game that the USELESS Poll touted in its preseason edition. Seeing as how the SEC team in question was Mississippi State and not Alabama or some juggernaut like that, it’s not a huge surprise that the cowpokes came away with a win. Then again, most probably would have predicted OSU to win by a score of 40-something to 30-something. Oklahoma State totally shut down a legitimate team with its defense. Bigger offenses will test the Cowboys soon, but the fans in Stillwater have to be encouraged by Week 1.

15. Florida (defeated Toledo 24-6) – The Gators seemed to pick up right where they left off from last season, but that’s not necessarily a good thing. We get it, Florida. You guys have a really, REALLY good defense. Most teams would be lucky to put together more than a couple of scoring drives on you. Then again, the offense has made it clear that a few scores might be all that is necessary to take down your team. While Toledo is one of the few MAC teams that isn’t a complete pushover, the Rockets still aren’t any sort of underdog world-beaters. Florida looked solid in shutting down Toledo at every opportunity, but if the Gators can’t put together consistent offense, a bigger, better team is going to ruin their fun.

16. Texas (defeated New Mexico St. 56-7) – It seems like the Longhorns circled the wagon around Mack Brown’s hot seat. Granted, there wasn’t much doubt about winning the first game, but Texas looked like a team that can dominate as the season wears on. As for New Mexico State, the Aggies had better watch themselves. The FBS is at a nice, round 125 teams this season, but two more join the fray next season and the NCAA might be tempted to see if it can pawn of the Aggies to Mexico. Seriously… We’d be perfectly willing to cede the seven or so miles from Las Cruces to the international border if it meant getting rid of such an awful football program.

17. Oklahoma (defeated La.-Monroe 34-0) – Louisiana-Monroe’s Warhawks stirred up quite the ruckus last season when they rallied in overtime to take down an Arkansas squad that we didn’t yet realize was vastly overrated. The Warhawks were the go-to pick for the experts to look at for ‘upset alerts’, but the Sooners weren’t having any of that. Monroe battled for a half, but Oklahoma made a solid statement that it is a top-tier team and that the scrappy, loveable Warhawks just aren’t. But no need to feel bad if you’re a ULM fan. You still have the best blend of awesome/unique nickname of any FBS team. And nobody can take that away from you.

18. Overzealous Fans (easily defeating that case of Bud Light) – Just as most powerhouse programs ease into their season with a less-than-stellar opponent, some college football fans should think long and hard about slowly working their way up to full-blown gameday drinking. A cursory search of Youtube/Yahoo/Deadspin reveals opening weekend gems such as the UGA fan bawling during a postgame call-in radio show and a University of Iowa coed who clocked in at a BAC of .341 after trying to gain access to the playing field. Come on, everybody. We’ve got three more months of football on our hands. Let’s pace ourselves.

19. Nebraska (defeated Wyoming 37-34) – Did you know that Nebraska and Wyoming share a border? Looking at a map, it makes perfect sense, but it’s just one of those things that’s hard to imagine. When we think of Nebraska, we think of gun-crazed, bible-thumping farmers that seem relatively harmless when put in such close proximity of the gun-crazier, bible-thumpier, farmier(?) people of Kansas. As for Wyoming… we’re not sure. We thought it was just cows and park rangers. Anyway, the Huskers just barely beat what is supposed to be a pretty terrible team. That’s all we know. We’d go further in depth after watching the highlights, but no one in either of these states owns a video camera.

20. Northwestern (defeated Cal 44-30) – Of all the BCS conference winners on opening weekend, the Wildcats deserve some special recognition. While many big schools settled for FCS matchups or trolled the lower-tier FBS conferences for punching bags, Northwestern took on another BCS conference opponent. Even more impressive, the game wasn’t some made-for-TV spectacle and the Wildcats travelled all the way out to the west coast to claim their win. The Northwestern offense looks even better than last year’s dangerous squad, but with a much tougher schedule in what should be a better Big Ten this season, the ‘Cats are going to have to play defense sooner or later.

21. Michigan (defeated Central Michigan 59-9) – As we’ve opined before, defeating a directional Michigan is the equivalent of not striking out in slow pitch softball or finally breaking that 20-minute mile barrier. While it came against a pitiful opponent, it was a good sign for Wolverine fans to see their team put up over 200 yards of both passing and rushing. Denard Robinson was exciting, but he was never going to lead a championship team at Michigan. Running 58 yards for a 5 yard gain or breaking free from three tackles before chucking a prayer downfield is entertaining, but it’s a style of quarterbacking that just won’t work in a conference where you’ll have to play at least a few games in freezing temperatures. Now that Michigan has a solid passing game plan and an O-line and some running backs that can get tough yards when necessary, the Wolverines are much better off in the grand scheme of things.

22. UCLA (defeated Nevada 58-20) – The Bruins followed up their run to a second consecutive Pac-12 title game with a solid performance against Nevada. For as long as anyone here at the USELESS Poll can remember, UCLA has always had to settle for the second best quarterback in its own city. That run seems to be at its end as Brett Hundley looks to have progressed on what was a solid 2012 for the then-sophomore. There are plenty of trap games awaiting in the Pac-12 South against teams like Arizona State and the suddenly not awful Colorado Buffaloes, but Hundley’s offense has the potential to overpower lesser teams and set up a possible division title showdown against USC in the final week of the regular season.

23. Fresno State (defeated Fresno State 52-51) – The good news is that the Bulldogs won what was probably the most action-packed game of the first weekend. The bad news is that Fresno never should have struggled so badly with Rutgers. Fresno is facing a lot of pressure from the Cinderella lovers out there. Boise State went down in its first game and no other schools from non-BCS conferences seem to be talented enough to blaze a trail up the rankings late in the season. More good news for the Bulldogs though – if they can get past what’s sure to be a pissed off group of Boise State Broncos in a few weeks, they won’t face any other school even close to the good side of the top-50 until bowl season.

24. Ole Miss (defeated Vanderbilt 39-35) – Putting the Rebels in this week’s poll might be jumping the gun a bit, but the entertainment value that they brought to us on the first night of college football earned them all sorts of brownie points. It’s hard to pin down exactly how good Ole Miss is or can be. On one hand, the Rebels took the nation by surprise on NLI day and hauled in what was easily the best recruiting class in school history. Those freshmen seem to be combining with the returners to form a solid, balanced team that won’t be an easy win for anyone. On the other hand, a few freshmen might make all the difference in basketball, but won’t win a title in football. And those returning starters might be a bit better, but they’re still the guys who went 7-6 last season. We’ll get a real picture of where the Rebs are in two weeks when they face back-to-back road games against Texas and Alabama.

25. Wisconsin (defeated Massachusetts 45-0) – Why did Massachusetts stubbornly insist on changing its name from the old ‘UMass’? The old name had a much better ring to it. Anyways, the Minutemen – which is also an awesome, colloquial nickname – could have gone by whatever name they wanted and it still wouldn’t have resulted in points last weekend. The Badgers outgained Massachusetts 598-212 on the day, and that was with backups playing most of the second half. The Minutemen are horrible, so we’re not sure what that says about Wisconsin’s future, but such a thorough domination deserves some recognition in the poll. Plus, we figure that if we give you some love, you’ll invite us in to watch the infamous 5^th quarter.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: USC, Baylor, Miami

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  TCU, Michigan State, Washington

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.