USELESS Poll: Week 9

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

While our readers up north will find this redundant, the rest of you guys must be glad that the weather finally seems to be cooling down for good. Down here in Georgia, we’ve blown through Indian Summer number one and are wrapping up the second one… That usually just about does it for the 80-plus degree days.

But just as the days are cooling down (TACKY CLICHÉ ALERT) the football action is heating up. The last few weeks have seen some big upsets while teams who suffered early losses are finally able to claw back into the national spotlight.

It will be November before any of this week’s top-25 plays, so let’s take a look at the schools that survived the first two months of action.

1. Alabama (defeated Tennessee 45-10) – In case you haven’t noticed, the Crimson Tide has been elevating the act of humiliating opponents to an art form for the last month or so. In fact, no one has managed to score a single point on Alabama in the first half ever since that shootout against Texas A&M in mid-September. After dispatching six consecutive punching bags, this week brings about a well-deserved bye week for the Tide. Next up for ‘Bama is a showdown with LSU. With a win, the Tide will have only Auburn standing in its way in pursuit of a second straight SEC West championship.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 13 UCLA 42-14) – There was a good amount of debate making the rounds last week when Florida State leapfrogged Oregon in the first BCS standings. We’re sure that there will be just as many debates now that the Ducks are back in the No. 2 slot. But we’d really like to take a moment to use this forum to put to bed one argument used by FSU fans that is just totally untrue. Throughout last week, we heard time and time again that Oregon wasn’t deserving of a top-2 spot because “the Ducks always lose to some crappy team.” Well…. In the last three years, the Ducks have lost the national championship game, they’ve lost to an LSU team that was the national runner up, they’ve lost to a Stanford team on its way to a Rose Bowl title, and they’ve lost to a bowl-winning No. 18 USC squad.

3. Florida State (defeated N.C. State 49-17) – Meanwhile, down in the Sunshine State, the Seminoles have been pretty busy over the last three years. In that span, FSU has lost 10 game – five of which came against unranked opponents. Obviously, the crimes of the 2010-12 teams (just figuratively speaking when we say crimes, Noles fans) shouldn’t hold down the accomplishments of this year’s team. And they aren’t. It just seems as though Oregon is a more dangerous team at the moment. Florida State can put another big star on its resume with a win over Miami this week, but in any case, there’s still a long ways to go before the rankings really start to mean something.

4. Ohio State (defeated Penn State 63-14) – Damn it, Ohio State. What the hell? You’ve endured so many close calls over the last two seasons while maintaining your perfect record with Urban Meyer at the helm. Finally, you get a nationally televised game against a not-horrible team and beat the absolute crap out of them. You did more than just that. You did things that had us ready to unleash borderline inappropriate euphemisms to accurately depict what you did to your opponent… Except that opponent just had to be Penn State. Given the events of the last two years, we can’t bring ourselves to make those jokes with PSU in such close proximity. Damn it, Buckeyes. This is why so many people in the south hate you. Even when you succeed, you fail.

5. Stanford (defeated No. 24 Oregon State 20-12) – Consecutive wins against ranked opponents are enough to allow the Cardinal to climb back into the top-5 despite having a loss on the books. Stanford isn’t flashy and it probably isn’t as talented as last year’s Rose Bowl winning squad. That said, the Cardinal are one of the marquee programs in a skyrocketing Pac-12 and continue to win all of their biggest games. Maybe Stanford is just ahead of the game. Seriously… The school has build a reputation for all that fancy book-learnin’ and one-upped that by making a freaking tree its mascot. The school invites adversity at every turn. It’s no wonder that the Cardinal have bounced back from a loss so quickly.

6. Baylor (defeated Kansas 59-14) – This is a quote, taken verbatim, from an ESPN analyst trying to delegitimize Baylor’s success so far: “Baylor has played a schedule that has been very easy on the front end. Kansas isn’t the best team, but against them, Baylor’s offense seemed a little bit more normal.” Ummmm. OK. First off, Kansas isn’t the right school to use when talking about a schedule getting tougher – especially when Baylor has already played three teams rated above the Jayhawks in most comprehensive rankings of all 125 FBS schools. Secondly, how is a 59-point output and a 500-yard first half qualifying as some sort of pedestrian effort? The Bears haven’t exactly taken on the biggest and the best, but averaging well over 60 points per game – as Baylor is doing – is impressive enough to give it the benefit of a doubt until someone puts a stop to it.

7. Miami (FL) (defeated Wake Forest 24-21) – Last week saw the Hurricanes pull out a win in an immensely entertaining game. It wasn’t especially ugly – there were over 750 total yards of offense and just one turnover – and there were no controversial calls to mar the outcome. That said, the teeny, tiny, little fact remains that Miami was stretched to within a few seconds of its undefeated life by a team that has just one win against schools that are over .500. Miami is giving it a good run and deserves its lofty ranking, but injuries to key players and the lack of a quarterback who can take over a game has the Hurricanes on shaky ground heading into a big game against Florida State.

8. Clemson (defeated Maryland 40-27) – The season is roughly at the midway point and the line separating the elite teams from the rest of the pack is slowly starting to take shape. Facing Florida State, Clemson gave a shining example of how a good team can be reduced to near incompetence when pitted against a team that is on that top level. Clemson is, most definitely, not a bad team. The fact that the Tigers have easily handled anyone not named Florida State should prove that point. Honestly, now that an appearance in the national championship game is pretty much out of the question, that loss to FSU might help Clemson’s cause. The Tigers have just one ranked opponent left on their schedule and no conference championship game to navigate. With four more wins, it’s very likely that Clemson will end up near the top-5 and an at-large in a BCS game.

9. Missouri (lost to South Carolina 27-24) – Some teams just can’t stand prosperity. Heading into last weekend, Missouri was one win away from having the SEC East all but sewn up. Naturally, the Tigers promptly coughed up a sizable lead, then choked in overtime. Luckily for Mizzou, its early wins still have it at an arm’s length from the rest of the division. The schedule doesn’t let up anytime soon, but if the Tigers can find three wins in their final four games, they should still walk into the conference championship game.

10. The REAL Football Season (defeating the last two months of non-conference foreplay) – The World Series brought an end to baseball season this week. That signals the beginning of the college football games that will really matter when all is said and done. Right about now, we’ve figured out which preseason favorites are for real and which unknown or underrated teams are going to be a real threat. Conference races are starting to heat up and every week from here on out will feature a big rivalry game or two. Buckle up, everybody. It’s about to get fun.

11. LSU (defeated Furman 48-16) – Two close losses to tough conference opponents has LSU topping all other two-loss teams, but the Tigers might start to lose credit if Georgia continues to slide or if Ole Miss doesn’t continue its climb. But those two games will bear little meaning when compared to LSU’s next test. The Bayou Bengals get some rest this weekend before making the trip to Tuscaloosa for a showdown with Alabama. This might be a tough one to get up for as even an upset win would leave LSU still trailing in the division. Then again, the Tigers have to have a little extra pep in their step as a third loss will pretty much eliminate them from any BCS bowl.

12. Auburn (defeated Florida Atlantic 45-10) – Looking at the stats, there really aren’t any great reasons to keep Auburn out of the top-10. Then again, we’ve never really hesitated to ignore stats in favor of gut feelings and sudden trends. When teams like Alabama drop a game and then regain the top ranking in less than a month – as it did last season – it’s because the program has built up plenty of goodwill. That idea swings both ways. Auburn looks like a top-tier team, but has been so god awful the last couple of years that it’s going to take a little while to see the Auburn logo and not immediately think ‘loses to Mississippi State and Vanderbilt’.

13. Fresno State (defeated San Diego State 35-28) – The nation’s top Cinderella story almost saw the clock hit midnight last week as San Diego State pushed the Bulldogs to their limits. Technically, Fresno only trailed for about four minutes of action, but giving up a 14 point lead in the final 10 minutes of play is never good. On the lighter side, all of our readers need to hop on YouTube – after you’re done with this week’s USELESS Poll, of course – and search for ‘SDSU Halloween game’. You haven’t truly lived until you’ve seen a five-man Jamaican bobsled team try to leg out a bloop into shallow right center.

14. Oklahoma (defeated No. 10 Texas Tech 38-30) – The Sooners haven’t exactly been destroying teams, but they deserve a little credit for hanging tough the last two weeks after that humbling loss to Texas. With a big win over Texas Tech last week, Oklahoma is now right back in the middle of the totally up-for-grabs Big XII race. The Sooners are off this week before reprising a familiar role. So many times over the last decade, an upstart Big XII program has shot up the rankings, only to be humbled when Oklahoma reminded them of who the big dog was. Baylor is starting to get more attention at the national level, but has to deal with Oklahoma to keep the dream alive.

15. Oklahoma State (defeated Iowa State 58-27) – The defense that made Oklahoma State an early favorite in the Big XII took a bit of a break against the Cyclones, but the Cowboys’ potent offensive weapons finally lived up to their potential. Of course, that could be due to the fact that Iowa State still has yet to hold an opponent to a score that wouldn’t qualify as a ‘bust’ in a game of blackjack this season. Speaking of other games, the Cyclones should really try their hand at something other than football. They’ve already finished third in the state of Iowa – always tough to do when there are just two FBS programs in the state – and still have potential embarrassments awaiting at Kansas State and Oklahoma.

16. Texas A&M (defeated Vanderbilt 56-24) – Johnny Football added another chapter to his legacy in the Aggies’ win over Vandy. Manziel was briefly knocked out of Texas A&M’s loss to Auburn last week and looked like he could barely move his throwing arm by the end of the game. His participation against the Commodores was up in the air until the morning of the game. Naturally, Mr. Football passed for 305 yards and four touchdowns. Manziel should be able to get plenty of rest as breather games against UTEP and Mississippi State are up before a battle with LSU just before Thanksgiving.

17. Louisville (defeated South Florida 34-3) – Apparently, the Cardinals only struggle when the lights are on. Seeing as how most of the big games are in primetime, that isn’t a good thing. Consecutive weekday night games against Rutgers and Central Florida saw the Louisville offense struggle before they finally regained their stride against a pretty pitiful Bulls squad. Teddy Bridgewater had a day much more befitting of a guy being touted as the top QB in next spring’s draft, but you have to think that you’ll hear plenty about how he wasn’t able to shine against the only decent teams on Louisville’s light schedule.

18. Wisconsin (did not play) – Last week, we touched on the rough situation that the Badgers are stuck in. If they win out – and they likely will as only a home date vs. BYU seems like much of a test – they’ll likely be shut out of the Big Ten title game and need some outside help to grab an at-large BCS bid. Sucks for Wisky, but let’s focus on the positive? Have you ever heard Wisconsin’s ‘Fifth Quarter’? We’re usually not much for discussing marching bands around here, but you know that the band has to be good when most of the stadium sticks around for a mini concert after every home game. So long as you’ve smuggled in enough liquor to keep you warm as these Big Ten contests get chilly, the Marching Badgers (we’re not taking the time to look up their proper name) will take away some of the disappointment of the season.

19. UCLA (lost to No. 2 Oregon 42-14) – The Bruins had to be feeling pretty good about themselves when they battled Oregon to a 14-14 tie in the first half and allowed just one more touchdown in the third quarter… It’s too bad that fourth quarter had to be played as well. For those doubting the Oregon defense, last week was a good example of how underrated the Ducks are. Brett Hundley makes just about every draft analyst’s list as a top-5 quarterback. Hundley completed 13 of his 19 throws, but a solid pass rush kept those throws coming out early and sound tackling of receivers held Hundley to just 64 passing yards. Allowing just over three yards per completed pass is unheard of – even against horrible quarterbacks.

20. Texas Tech (lost to No. 18 Oklahoma 38-30) – After two straight weeks of toying around a bit too much with outmanned opponents, the Red Raiders faced an equally talented Oklahoma squad and finally got burned. Texas Tech didn’t play a bad game, but wasn’t able to find the big play once it fell behind. The Raiders now go from top-10 caliber to a must-win situation in the span of a week. One-loss Oklahoma State is up this week and the loser will fall out of contention for both the Big XII title and an at-large BCS bid.

21. Halloween Parties (defeating modern standards of modest female fashion) – For those of us in that sweet 18-30 demographic, Halloween has to be the best holiday. Us 18-30ers are too old to get good Christmas and birthday presents without having the same burden of expectation placed upon us when it comes time to give the same. Still, most of us have a good bit of free time on our hands so long as kids aren’t part of the equation yet. That makes Halloween the sweet spot of holidays. There are no formal family get-togethers or obligations to worry about. You’re free to have as much fun as you want and spend as much (or as little) on a costume as you want. Plus, what other day of the year can you see so many women in the same young demographic putting on their best Playboy audition and not have to feel even slightly bad about it?

22. Central Florida (defeated Connecticut 62-17) – Whatever speech George O’Leary uses to get his team to avoid a letdown week, he should bottle it up and sell it for millions. The Knights recorded one of their biggest wins in program history when they upset Louisville in the final minute, on primetime television, two weeks ago to destroy the Cardinals hopes of reaching the national championship game. It would have been understandable if UCF wasn’t quite running at full strength after leaving it all out there against Louisville. Instead, the Knights started strong and never let up, beating the ever-loving crap out of the Huskies.

23. Northern Illinois (defeated Eastern Michigan 59-20) – We love underdogs here at the USELESS Poll. In previous seasons, it was easy to give plenty of love to schools like Boise State since they regularly had wins over good BCS conference schools and normally had at least a couple of decent teams on their conference schedule. Northern Illinois simply doesn’t have any of that going for it. Not only did the Huskies dispatch a directional Michigan school last week – they took on the absolute worst of the directional Michigans. We’re not sure why EMU hasn’t just decided to pack it in on this whole football idea. According to the latest Sagaring ratings, any of the schools that have made the jump to FBS over the last decade – including those who are new this year and current FCS schools who will be transitioning into FBS next year – would be favored to win over the Eagles. You almost have to try to be that consistently bad.

24. South Carolina (defeated No. 8 Missouri 27-24) – There is no team in America that takes ‘playing to the level of your opponent’ as serious as South Carolina. The Gamecocks have the talent to turn up the dial and beat any team in the nation on any given night. At the same time, Carolina can make a game against even the most outgunned team look like a monumental struggle. This weekend features a game against Mississippi State that should be a breeze. But if tradition holds, Gamecock fans should be holding their breath and hope that their team gets off to a good enough start so that things aren’t close at the end. All of that said, the rest of the SEC East has to be loving Carolina for keeping Missouri from running away with the division. Perhaps some good karma is due to Columbia.

25. Michigan State (defeated Illinois 42-3) – If not for Notre Dame’s best defensive effort of the season, Michigan State could be an undefeated team threatening to crack the top-10. The Spartans seem to have all the makings of a surprise BCS team coming from a power conference. MSU had a good amount of talent to start the season, but an anemic offense kept it out of the spotlight as other schools lit up overmatched teams. The defense has been solid all season and – now that the offense has found its stride – the Spartans are a team that no one wants to see on their schedule. Next up for Sparty is a date with Michigan in their biggest rivalry. A loss will kill the last month’s worth of momentum, but a win will have the entire country taking notice.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Michigan, Ole Miss, Arizona State

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Notre Dame, Virginia Tech, Texas

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 8

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Good timing, college football. Halloween is just around the corner, so it only seems natural that the top teams in the nation had a horror movie unleashed upon them last week. Not even the highest levels of the poll were safe as underdogs ran wild throughout the weekend.

This week brings about a totally rearranged top-25 with a few new faces creeping towards BCS territory. The carnage likely hasn’t yet run its full course as plenty of highly ranked teams face more challenges this week.

The weather has turned cold and it seems like the days have lost an hour of sunlight in just the last week or so. Yup… It’s definitely the heart of football season.

1. Alabama (defeated Arkansas 52-0) – The Crimson Tide certainly seems to have found its mean streak. In a tumultuous week of SEC play where some favorites were knocked down a peg while a few middling teams staked their claim for more national relevance, Alabama simply looked down from its seat atop the mountain and laughed before beating the ever-loving crap out of Arkansas. This is how you get to No. 1… Anyone can win a big game here and there. It’s quite another to be an overwhelming favorite each week that never fails to keep its foot firmly pressed down on the gas.

2. Oregon (defeated Washington State 62-38) – It was a little weird to hear the coaches of a team that had just won by 24 points complain about having the score run up on them. That said, we can’t say that we totally disagree. For years, solid national title candidates from the Pac-12 have had to endure the criticism thrown at them of being from a conference that was only about having the most effective wacky offense. The Ducks’ defense performed fine for the majority of the night, but then sat back and watched Washington State’s first string offense go to town on what amounted to an Oregon scout team. We’re all about everyone always giving 110% and never giving up, but when teams get hammered for leaving their starters in too long in winning efforts, losing teams shouldn’t be able to delegitimize a dominant win by taking advantage of scrubs just to save a little face.

3. Florida State (defeated No. 3 Clemson 51-14) – OK. Funny joke. Nice try. Who hacked our DVR and – instead of the live showing of the FSU-Clemson game – substituted a vintage early-90s recording of the Seminoles annihilating anything and everything in the ACC with extreme prejudice? Seriously. No one doubted that the Noles had the talent to pull off a win in Death Valley, but no one could have seen that complete ass-kicking coming. On a more level-headed note, it should be understood that the impressive nature of last week’s FSU win isn’t a baseline measure. Both of these teams are very good, and one-sided contests like that one are usually one-off flukes. But that state is just for Clemson fans to use in order to justify staying near the top-10 after such an embarrassment. For FSU fans, just soak it all in.

4. Ohio State (defeated Iowa 34-24) – The Buckeyes have spent the entire season in the No. 4 slot, and couldn’t capitalize on the team right above them going down as they were too busy trying to claw their way to a win over a painfully mediocre Iowa squad. Every bit of respect that the Buckeyes command with their nation-leading winning streak and the fact that they’re undefeated since Urban Meyer’s arrival is hurt by the constant stream of inferior opponents pushing them to the brink. Also, why is OSU-Iowa not an inspiration to fledgling programs? Buckeyes and Hawkeyes are pretty cool names, but are just representing the states’ official nicknames. A Buckhawk isn’t a thing that we’re currently aware of, but it needs to be the mascot of the next school to adopt football.

5. The soon-to-be playoff system (defeats BCS by virtue of not yet having had a chance to piss off the entire country) – Take a good look at the four teams above this slot. If the season ended today, that would be the end of the discussion. Those four schools would be the last ones left standing in a four-month dogfight of a regular season. To be fair, that’s not a bad outcome when compared to the old system of combining human polls and computer algorithms to pluck two teams out of midair to compete for a championship. We don’t think that a basketball style 64-team tournament is appropriate for college football, but the upcoming system would be better served if it had one additional round. Assuming that there is no end in sight to horribly lopsided scheduling of non-conference games, traditional powers and upstarts from non-power conferences will continue to face just a few challenging games each season. This lack of a comprehensive resume will leave things murky in the top-10. If we’re only allowing the four teams at the top into a playoff for the national title, there are going to be instances where an undefeated school is left out (or that there is a huge log jam of one-loss teams that gets split). If the playoff system were to be expanded to eight teams, there would still be problems, but they’d be less significant ones. It’s entirely feasible for an undefeated small conference team (or a one-loss power conference team) to be able to compete with a No. 1, yet be left out of a four-team playoff. People would still complain over the No. 8 spot in an eight-team playoff, but it’s much easier to dismiss the arguments of two-loss teams than of those who are undefeated or who have had just one setback.

6. Miami (FL) (defeated North Carolina 27-23) – That was a whole lot of space for the first five slots to take up. Hopefully the next 20 are a bit more efficient. Miami provides a good chance for this. The Hurricanes deserve plenty of respect for continuing to win each week, but also owe plenty of thanks to all of the teams that decided to tank and give them a clear run to the heights of this week’s poll. Tuesday’s official end to the investigation into Miami is a bit of a relief to those concerned that the Canes might have had to endure further sanctions, but this might be a hindrance in disguise. The Hurricanes are great at playing the heel. It’s what they were meant to do. If adversity/controversy isn’t there to make everyone else hate Miami and openly cheer for its downfall, the team might lose its edge.

7. Stanford (defeated No. 9 UCLA 24-10) – The Cardinal had a serious run-in with a letdown game last week a Utah, but rebounded to beat a very tough Bruin squad and go the added boost of watching a handful of teams ranked above them take a hit. In the last few years, Stanford has lost a bunch of linemen, a pair of tight ends, a quarterback, a coach, and a few others to the NFL. In spite of that, the Cardinal continue to run the most professional scheme in all of college football. With so many NFL teams heavily favoring players who have played in offenses/defenses that fit their molds, the only thing stopping Stanford from becoming an NCAA superpower is the fact that its players are expected to also contribute to a top-10 academic institution. Silly Stanford. Maybe you’ll win a national title once you get your priorities in line.

8. Missouri (defeated Florida 36-17) – At its current rate, Missouri will be the first USELESS Poll team to ever achieve a rating better than No. 1 next week. The Tigers have been the beneficiaries of an incredible few weeks worth of solid play, injuries to opponents’ stars, and downfalls of higher-ranked teams. Of course, it’s not like Missouri hasn’t earned most of its ranking. The Tigers are joined by only Oregon in beating every one of its opponents by at least 15 points this season. With a win over South Carolina this week, Missouri will have effectively sewn up the SEC East before Halloween. Pretty impressive for a team that couldn’t play ‘old man football’ last year.

9. Baylor (defeated Iowa State 71-7) – We’re quickly running out of unique ways to describe how comically effective Baylor’s offense is. The Bears are starting to make Oregon wonder if it should try to produce more big plays. Baylor is averaging 714 yards per game. More impressively, the Bears are averaging 9.08 YARDS PER PLAY!!! How are you supposed to get an offense off the field when nearly half of their plays produce touchdowns? At this rate, Baylor is going to flirt with the 700 point mark at the end of the regular season. For reference, the record setting 2007 Patriots own the NFL’s high score with 586 points in 16 games.

10. Texas Tech (defeated West Virginia 37-27) – The Red Raiders haven’t had to face much competition so far, but it’s still impressive for any BCS conference team to make it this far into the season with an unblemished record. This week will produce a serious test as Tech travels to Oklahoma. With the Big XII sticking with its 10 teams and no conference championship game, this game could be a big factor in determining who locks up the title and a trip to the BCS. A loss by the Raiders would have them in bad shape as Baylor and Texas still loom ahead. A loss for the Sooners takes them out of BCS contention altogether.

11. Clemson (lost to No. 5 Florida State 51-14) – Come over here, Clemson fan. Seriously. Come here. Just take this hug. Go on. Let it all out. Tears are OK. That’s perfectly normal. Umm… OK… you’re going to dry heave a little bit? That’s alright I gu— and now you’re actually throwing up all over yourself. Let’s try to get it together here, Clemson. Wait. Are you pissing your pants now? You are. You’re just sitting there, sobbing and peeing. Now it smells like someone shit their pants. You know what, Clemson? We’re gonna just leave you alone for awhile. Try to have yourself straightened up by next week.

12. LSU (lost to Mississippi 27-24) – For our readers up north, we feel obliged to educate you on a rivalry that doesn’t get much attention outside of the SEC West. Ole Miss and LSU don’t like each other. They pretty much hate each other. They’d probably go to war with each other if we weren’t right in the middle of a stretch of new Duck Dynasty episodes. The rivalry has been a bit cooler in recent years as both teams rarely manage to be good at the same time, but that lull came to an end last week as Ole Miss pulled an upset and vaulted over the Tigers for position in the division race. Since the Rebels got the win, we’ll give them the final word in this year’s edition of the rivalry – “Purple shirts, yellow britches. Go to hell, you sons of bitches.”

13. UCLA (lost to No. 13 Stanford 24-10) – After shooting into the top-10 as an under-the-radar BCS team during the first two months of the season, the Bruins finally hit a snag. UCLA doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. They put up a solid effort on the road, but just didn’t have the defense to match up with a Stanford team that is now playing desperate to keep its Pac-12 title chances afloat. Brett Hundley couldn’t make the big play against the toughest defense he’s seen so far, but didn’t perform badly either. Hundley’s prime – at least in college – is going to have the misfortune of being wasted on a couple of years where the Bruins just don’t have the supporting cast capable of being elite.

14. Fresno State (defeated UNLV 38-14) – The Bulldogs have beaten everyone on the schedule so far. Now that some teams have taken a tumble, Fresno is finally starting to make the climb up the rankings. The bad news for the Bulldogs is that there are still plenty of undefeated teams ahead of them. While many will likely get knocked off at some point, history has shown that any team in the top-5 can absorb a loss and still manage to stay ahead of an undefeated Fresno team. Rutgers and Boise State are the closest things to stellar competition on Fresno’s resume, so it would take an act of God for the Bulldogs to achieve anything more then an NCAA-mandated appearance in whichever BCS bowl gets the last pick.

15. Virginia Tech (did not play) – The Hokies have done nothing to deserve this ranking, but we suppose running off six consecutive wins should count for something. VT hasn’t had another setback since its season-opening loss against Alabama, but hasn’t exactly been impressive in the process. The streak includes by-the-skin-of-its-teeth wins over Marshall and East Carolina. In fact, in the Hokies’ six games against FBS teams, they’ve scored just 15 more points than the competition. It’s going to take a much stronger effort than that to get past Miami in a few weeks.

16. Auburn (defeated No. 7 Texas A&M 45-41) – Kudos to the Tigers for out-Johnny Footballing Johhny Football. If you can’t stop him, you’ve got to outscore him, which is exactly what Auburn was able to do. Plenty of people would have guessed that the Tigers would show improvement in their first year under Gus Malzahn, but things have kicked into high gear. With LSU and Texas A&M both wearing two conference losses already, Auburn controls its own destiny in the SEC West. The odds of the Tigers actually running the table are pretty slim, but the fact that they’re bowl eligible before November should count for something.

17. Oklahoma State (defeated TCU 24-10) – The Cowboys have managed to run off consecutive wins following their upset loss at the hands of West Virginia, but can’t seem to find the offensive spark that had them looking like Big XII frontrunners at the beginning of the season. J.W. Walsh isn’t the world’s most accurate passer, but the offense definitely runs more efficiently when he’s on the field. Okie State could do itself a huge favor by just picking one quarterback – preferably Walsh – and sticking with him.

18. Oklahoma (defeated Kansas 34-19) – The Sooners rebounded from that embarrassing defeat in the Red River Shootout, but still looked like they were going through the motions last week. Of course, if you can find a handful of legitimate college football players, going through the motions is all you need to get a win over Kansas. Wasn’t it just six or seven years ago that the Jayhawks were ranked No. 4 and were one game away from playing for a conference title and a possible shot at the national title? You’ve gotta give it to Kansas. When they go down, they go down hard.

19. Texas A&M (lost to Auburn 45-41) – With their second loss of the season, it’s time for the Aggies to make a tough call… Johnny Manziel needs to start playing defense as well. Sure, he might only have one fully functional are come this week, but it’s not like anyone in the current A&M defensive lineup is wrapping up right now. The Aggie defense was never something to be feared, but at least last year’s squad was able to come up with a turnover once in a while. At the current rate, everyone’s game plan against A&M should simply be to make sure that they have the ball last.

20. Louisville (lost to Central Florida 38-35) – Before the season even began, Louisville knew that it only had two challenging games on its schedule. The Cardinals didn’t make it look easy against Rutgers, but still controlled most of the game. In their final big challenge, Louisville got off to a great start before everything went to hell in a hurry. Upsets of highly ranked teams by unranked squads happen all of the time, but also tend to follow a pretty common course of events. Usually, the favorite just comes out cold and never improves. Their athletic advantage is enough to keep them close, but the underdog rides their momentum to one final score/stop. That wasn’t the case last Thursday. The Cardinals cruised to a 28-7 lead, then promptly saw their wheels fly off.

21. Wisconsin (did not play) – The Badgers will be heavy favorites in every game for the rest of the season, but staying focused will be an issue since the Big Ten title might already be out of reach. Wisconsin has just one conference loss, but that setback was to Ohio State, which is in the same division as ‘Sconsin. Even if the Buckeyes drop a game, they’ll still own the tiebreaker over the Badgers. Still, a 10-2 mark might be enough to get Wisconsin consideration for an at-large selection to the BCS.

22. Bonfires (did not play for last 40 weeks) – At the time of posting, the thermometer was registering a brisk (by South Georgia standards) 49 degrees. That can mean only one thing. Bonfires are about to join forces with one of last week’s poll entries – craft/seasonal beer – to create an unstoppable duo. Provided that you have a good satellite package and an easily moveable television, there is nothing in the world that can beat watching a late night football game, fireside, on a cold night – preferably with a few adult-type beverages in a conveniently placed cooler. Just make sure that you save an extra $100 or so while getting this setup together. There’s a non-zero chance that you’re going to accidentally fall asleep in the middle of a game once or twice and find that the soles of your shoes have melted come sunrise.

23. Arizona State (defeated No. 25 Washington 53-24) – The Sun Devils are likely getting a little bit too much love this week, but we want to see where this goes. Arizona State has two losses already and could easily have had a third if not for the wacky ending to the Wisconsin game. That said, the Devils are giving all opposing defenses a tough time and have two very winnable games coming up. If ASU can keep it together, they’ll roll into consecutive games against Oregon State and UCLA with a 7-2 record and a chance to be in everyone’s top-15.

24. Oregon State (defeated Cal 49-17) – Thanks to a season-opening loss to FCS Eastern Washington, the Beavers have had to rattle off wins for nearly two straight months just to get back into the national headlines. Since we last saw Oregon State, the Beavers have been doing their best impression of their arch-rivals up the road, running up impressive numbers against all comers and sealing up most wins just after halftime. The Beavers get a much tougher test this week as Stanford comes to town. If OSU finds a way to win another one, the stage could be set for a season-ending clash between the Ducks and the Beavers with the division title and a spot in the Pac-12 championship game on the line.

25. Northern Illinois (defeated Central Michigan 38-17) – Heading towards November, things aren’t looking great for Northern Illinois’ BCS hopes. Not only are there plenty of powerhouse teams remaining with one loss or less, but Fresno State seems to be the unanimous choice for ‘non BCS darling’. At least last season the Huskies were able to stake their claim with a conference championship game victory over another ranked team (Kent State) with a captive national audience looking on. This season, the MAC isn’t doing Northern Illinois any such favors. Kent State has fallen off and the Huskies didn’t have anyone of note on its non-conference slate. Ball State will be a good test and the Huskies could get some exposure in another conference title game, but it doesn’t look like that will be good enough this season.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Michigan, South Carolina, Central Florida

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Michigan State, Notre Dame

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 7

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

We’re getting very close to the halfway point of the season, and we finally saw a few upsets last week. Most of the teams at the top seem pretty solid, but we’re getting the feeling that the rest of the top-25 will become a total free-for-all in the coming month.

This is the absolute sweet spot of the entire sports calendar for sensible people who favor baseball and football above all other athletic ventures. We’ve got - in this poll’s opinion – the four best teams in MLB still alive and putting on great series in the ALCS and NLCS. Meanwhile, the NFL is heating up and college football is past the point where teams contending for a national championship can convince themselves that they can shake off a loss and chalk it up to an ‘early-season stumble’.

The by-product of all of that is about two months of being able to turn on the television just about any night and be treated to games that feature teams who are totally invested in any second of the game. Now that we’re all thoroughly transfixed on the games, grab some popcorn and dig into this week’s poll.

1. Alabama (defeated Kentucky 48-7) – We’re pretty sure that some Crimson Tide players were ragged mercilessly for not covering the point spread against Georgia State two weeks ago. Unfortunately for Kentucky, it was the next man up and bore the full brunt of Bama proving that it hadn’t gone soft. The Tide nearly had the spread against the Wildcats covered by halftime and never really let off the gas. We can guarantee that the Tide will stay on top until they lose, but it’s worth noting that Alabama has a ridiculously easy schedule this season. Outside of the already-won showdown with Texas A&M and a Nov. 9 matchup with LSU, there aren’t any other legitimate threats (outside of Auburn fans who would argue otherwise) to the Tide until the SEC championship game. The history books are lined with teams who have played much better opponents than Colorado State, Georgia State, Arkansas, and Chattanooga, yet were told to stay away from the national title game due to a schedule that was too soft.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 15 Washington 45-24) – The Huskies and their dominating defense were a trendy pick to solve the riddle of Oregon’s permanently-stuck-on-fast-forward offense. As it turns out, the Ducks’ attack isn’t a riddle. It’s just a terrifying machine that doesn’t seem to have an off switch. Washington tried to fight fire with fire, but the Huskies brought a torch while Oregon showed up with an entire squadron of attack helicopters dropping napalm. Marcus Mariota continues to climb in the Heisman race and the duo of he and DeAnthony Thomas running wild has to be a terrifying thought for any defense.

3. Clemson (defeated Boston College 24-14) – OK, Tiger fans. You can all start breathing again. Just inhale and exhale into this paper bag. It’ll be alright. For the first time this season, Clemson looked like its normal underachieving self that is always on the brink of tragedy. The Tigers could barely move the ball for the first half. Even when they did get going, there was no part of last weekend’s win that wasn’t an absolute struggle. The convenient excuse for all of this was that Clemson was looking ahead to this week’s de facto division title game against Florida State. And you know what? That showdown is now just a few days away. Go ahead and hang on to those paper bags, Tiger fans.

4. Ohio State (did not play) – Fun fact… Former Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith is still playing professional football. Not NFL football, but still playing on a team that consistently gives him money in exchange for playing the game. So who are we to judge? Anyways, it turns out that even Smith’s spot in the Canadian Football League isn’t totally safe. In fact, the only reason he still has a job is because Tim Tebow is too proud to go north of the border and take it from him. The Montreal Alouettes are currently employing Smith, but also hold the rights to Tim Tebow. For two years, all we’ve heard is that Tebow wants to play quarterback and won’t accept some hybrid role. Now, we know that there is a team just waiting for him to show up and throw for them… We never accused him of being all that smart.

5. Florida State (did not play) – Jameis Winston has built up quite the cult following among FSU fans and ACC followers who have seen the redshirt freshman play. This Saturday is his chance to pull a Manziel and turn a stellar season into a Heisman campaign with one huge game on the national stage. The Seminoles take on Clemson with the ABC cameras and ESPN College GameDay slated to be in attendance. He even had a bye week to better prepare his team. This couldn’t possibly be more of a ‘boom-or-bust’ situation. If Winston continues his ridiculous clip of completing over 70 percent of his passes and can pull out a win for his team, there will be no stopping the Winston bandwagon.

6. Louisville (defeated Rutgers 24-10) – While Winston’s Heisman campaign might catch fire this week, Teddy Bridgewater’s bid may have run off the tracks last week. Sure, he was solid and guided Louisville to a win, but he wasn’t spectacular. The Cardinals had a captive national audience as the only game on Thursday night. With the Cards’ Zombie Big East schedule, Rutgers was the closest to a big challenge they’d get and last week’s Thursday night game was the closest to a showcase game that Bridgewater will see. He won, but he didn’t do enough to impress voters who might have been getting their first good look at him since last season’s Sugar Bowl.

7. Texas A&M (defeated Mississippi 41-38) – For a few terrifying minutes last Saturday night, the nation held its breath. Johnny Football was down, and it didn’t look very good. Grabbing at a knee is usually bad news, and it’s even worse if there was no hit that caused the knee to give. Luckily for us, Mr. Football can’t be bothered by mortal things such as damaged ligaments and/or tendons. After sitting out a series and slapping on a knee brace, he proceeded to run up 459 yards of total offense that included a pair of rushing touchdowns. Whether you love him or hate him, it’s just stupid to bet against this kid.

8. Miami (FL) (did not play) – Seeing as how Miami hit the way-back machine and dialed up its seedy and illegal shenanigans from the 80s – leading to a self-imposed bowl ban – it’s easy to forget that the Hurricanes were the most talented team in the ACC last season. The superstars at Clemson and Florida State are soaking up most of the attention so far, but the Hurricanes probably don’t mind. Miami is in position to make a run at the conference title. Even if the Canes drop the ACC championship game, a top-10 ranking this early in the season and an otherwise unblemished schedule would likely be enough to get them into a BCS game.

9. UCLA (defeated Cal 37-10) – Brett Hundley has quickly shot up the charts, joining names like Teddy Bridgewater and Marcus Marriota in NFL draft discussions. Hundley looked incredibly flustered as the Bruins narrowly escaped Utah two weeks ago. Then, like a guy who could go in the first round of the draft should do, he put a shaky performance behind him and followed it up with greatness. Hundley went 31-of-41 through the air for a career high 410 yards in easily wiping the floor with Cal. Now comes the tricky part. Hundley and the Bruins have to deal with a very pissed off Stanford team this week before travelling to Oregon, which thinks that 410 yards is a pretty nice first half.

10. LSU (defeated Florida 17-6) – The hypocrisy – or at the very least, the complete lack of self-awareness – of some fans is just comical. For years, SEC fans have turned up their noses at one-loss teams from the Pac-12 and Big XII, citing high-scoring teams as gimmicks that don’t play any defense. Suddenly, a general indifference to defense isn’t so important since the conference is home to some truly prolific offenses. Here is a paraphrasing of an actual conversation between two Georgia fans (after UGA’s loss) heard at a bar during the LSU-FLA game – “It’s a shame that Georgia has all these injuries. Florida could end up winning the East and they can’t even move the ball. We beat the shit out of LSU and Florida can’t even keep up.” We thought 17-6 games was how these people got their jollies off for the last half decade?

11. Upsets (defeating those boring old blowouts) – It took nearly two months of play, but we finally had ourselves a good ol’ shakeup week. Four ranked teams went down against unranked squads over the weekend, with at least two having major significance in the BCS picture. Some people (looking your way, Colin Cowherd) will tell you that upsets are exciting, but ultimately bad for the game as they take popular and good teams out of the picture. That may be true in the 68-team NCAA basketball tournament, but even the most mixed up, crazy, unpredictable year of college football on the books – remember when the No. 2 team lost seven times in 2007? – we still get treated to entertaining BCS games featuring a majority of traditional powers.

12. South Carolina (defeated Arkansas 52-7) – The Gamecocks are acting like the one-team soap opera that we’ve all become accustomed to. They’ve hit all the major points. Drama and controversy surrounding their biggest superstar? Check. Quarterback merry-go-round and injuries? Check. Steve Spurrier saying stupid things for no good reason? Please. But this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. By the time South Carolina stops its bipolar act, it might look up to see that the rest of the SEC East has burned down around them. UGA beat Carolina, but is decimated by injuries. Florida has just half of a really good team. Missouri controls its destiny, but just lost its quarterback. Kentucky and Tennessee, we’re told, have already forfeited games to focus on basketball season. The Gamecocks may be quirky and crazy, but they’re probably the most complete team in the division that can still field all of its best players.

13. Stanford (lost to Utah 27-21) – Is it too cliché to throw out the old ‘letdown’ game adage? It seems lazy, but it also appears to have been the case in this season’s biggest upset to date. The Cardinal lost their perfect season in a war at Washington last year. Stanford got its revenge on the Huskies, but was flat throughout the game vs. Utah. But fear not, Cardinal. There is still some silver lining. Stanford will still be favored in all but one game through the rest of the regular season. All it has to do is catch lightning in a bottle and find a way to shut down Oregon for a second consecutive year and the Cardinal have a great chance to go back to the conference championship game.

14. Baylor (defeated Kansas State 35-25) – It’s not good when you get held to just half of your normal scoring output in a game while also giving up a few touchdowns. It’s much, much better when ‘only half of your normal offense’ still comes out to 35 points. Kansas State is taking its lumps after graduating over a dozen starters from last season’s Big XII championship team, but they’ve shown plenty of fight in the last two weeks against Baylor and Oklahoma State. Meanwhile, the Bears are doing their best to put up pinball scores each week. That probably won’t end any time soon as Iowa State and Kansas are the next two teams in line.

15. Texas Tech (defeated Iowa State 42-35) – Similar to the team just one slot above them, the Red Raiders love putting the ball in the air and are confident in their ability to outscore anyone. Texas Tech should be able to take care of business at West Virginia this week, but we’d much rather watch the interaction between fans the night before the game. It’s pretty rare to find two places – in this case, the Texas panhandle and rural West Virginia – that are so far away and in such different climates, yet have the exact same kind of inhabitants. You could probably sell tickets to prime seating around the bar strip in Morgantown. You’ll either see the biggest drunken hoedown ever or a redneck riot that inexplicably comes with its own banjo soundtrack.

16. Missouri (defeated No. 10 Georgia 42-26) – Missouri shoots up the polls with a huge road win against a top-10 team. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they lost start quarterback James Franklin for at least the next few weeks. Without him, it’s uncertain just how long Mizzou can stay up here. But hey… More good news – With UGA and South Carolina and Florida already in the SEC loss column, Missouri can still take solace in the fact that it controls its own destiny. The same can’t be said for…

17. Georgia (lost to Missouri 42-26) – Ha!!! We love it when the poll sets up for a killer segue like that. It’s really a shame the way things have worked out for the Bulldogs. Even considering the opening night loss at Clemson, UGA would have walked straight into the national title game if it had found a way to run the rest of the table and win the SEC championship. But then the injury bug bit. And by bug, we mean ravenous, ACL-ingesting monster. And by bit, we mean chomped down on any and every healthy UGA knee in sight. Georgia doesn’t have much of a defense, but it does have a top-5 quarterback and – up until the last couple of weeks – had enough complimentary weapons to negate the defense’s shortcomings. Now, UGA will be hard-pressed just to make it through the regular season and make a decent bowl game.

18. Fresno State (did not play) – We’re all about giving those plucky, non-BCS conference underdogs plenty of love, but it’s hard not to find Fresno just a tad boring, if not forgettable. We’ve already covered the almost mildly interesting tidbit that the Bulldogs’ current quarterback is the little brother of former Fresno quarterback and disappointing NFL signal caller David Carr… That’s literally the only cool story we could come up with. At least Boise plays in a state not known for football and has that wacky-ass field. We respect the wins, but you’ve got to give us something else to run with while you’re busy beating up on the Mountain West.

19. Virginia Tech (defeated Pittsburgh 19-9) – Last week, Virginia Tech crept into the rankings, hoping that nobody would notice. It didn’t escape our attention and we immediately called out the Hokies for being one of those schools that just cant handle being a superior team that is favored to win just about every game. Virginia Tech has had plenty of injuries and plays a ton of young kids, but still has more raw talent than most of the ACC. That said, the Hokies seemed to be well aware of their new ranked status last week as they immediately started struggling against a Pittsburgh team that isn’t bad, but also shouldn’t cause so much of a grind for a good team. For Va-Tech, the plan is simple… Find a way to beat Miami and try not to throw up all over yourself against some overmatched opponent along the way.

20. Wisconsin (defeated No. 19 Northwestern 35-6) – The Badgers made quite a statement, thoroughly dominating a Northwestern squad that had pushed Ohio State to the brink the previous week. Wisconsin might not be hanging with the elite teams just yet, but the Badgers shouldn’t be taken lightly. After all, if not for a highly questionable call against Arizona State, the Badgers might be 5-1, with only a tough loss to a top-5 team blotting their resume. Too bad for Wisconsin that it shares a (ridiculously named) division with Ohio State. The Badgers could easily be viewed – if more attention was paid to them - as a sad-sack school that wins 9-10 games each year, only to pick out a perfect game/time/opponent to lose to that totally torpedoes their efforts for the rest of the season. Wisconsin has a favorable track record in bowl games, but keeps managing to play its way off the biggest stages well before the first snow falls in Madison.

21. Oklahoma State (did not play) – Now that Oklahoma has gone down and both Baylor and Texas Tech are vying for Cinderella status, Oklahoma State is perfectly positioned to come back like a wrecking ball in the second half of the season. Sure, that loss to West Virginia was bad. In fact, it will probably keep the Cowpokes out of a BCS bowl if they don’t win the Big XII… But the conference is currently up for grabs and OSU still controls its own destiny. Okie State doesn’t have the richest history ever, but it was just barely left out of the national title game two years ago. And hey, that team ran off of a receiver who couldn’t get on the field for his first NFL game before getting arrested and a QB who is being abandoned in his second year. If nothing else, Oklahoma State needs to pull itself together just to draw in a new line of recruits who aren’t put off by the lack of Cowboys stars in the NFL.

22. Seasonal beers (defeating the piss water that we gulp down at tailgates) – Here at the USELESS Poll, we’re big fans of craft beer. While plenty of seasonal offerings are great, the easy winners are the beers that roll around in fall and winter. Maybe it’s the extra body and boldness, or maybe it’s the fact that you can enjoy them while watching playoff baseball and football, but something about the cold weather beers easily puts them on top. Octoberfest beers are just fine and milk/oatmeal stouts are good for sipping while huddled around a campfire in freezing weather, but our hands down winner is Red Brick Porter from the Red Brick Brewing Company in Atlanta. It’s now available at a few spots in the greater Statesboro, GA area. We highly suggest you buy a sixer and give it a try. If you hate it, invite us over for Monday Night Football and we’ll probably be able to dispose of the rest for you… no charge.

23. Northern Illinois (defeated Akron 27-20) – If the Huskies want to get another crack at the BCS, they need to start cracking skulls. Northern Illinois had a few lackluster performances last season, but still got the benefit of a doubt before getting embarrassed by Florida State. And what’s up with Akron? Why doesn’t LeBron James do something for his hometown university? We often refer to crappy schools that have somehow stumbled onto awesome names. Akron is just a crappy school with a crappy name. The Zips? Really? An actual line from the fight song reads: ‘Zip, Zip, go the Zips’. You aren’t even trying Akron. Do better.

24. Oklahoma (lost to Texas 36-20) – Hey. Waddaya know? At the first sign of prosperity, the Sooners fold like a tent bought on clearance during a WalMart black Friday sale. Oklahoma didn’t just get upset. It got beaten up and down the field for four solid quarters. Technically, Texas isn’t a bad team and is still very much alive in the Big XII race. But still… Sooners, you can’t keep pulling this crap. This is exactly how you convince everyone outside of your state that you aren’t worth following. The next time you’re 5-0 and wondering why you aren’t in the top-10, remember last week. Then, maybe go eat a deep fried twinkie from the state fair going on right outside the Red River Shootout. The twinkie won’t fix the loss or the humiliation, but we bet it would be incredibly delicious.

25. Washington (lost to No. 2 Oregon 45-24) – Good try, Huskies. Honestly, we haven’t seen anyone give Oregon that much of a run for its money – if we can even consider a three touchdown margin that – since Stanford upset the Ducks last season. Washington did its best to run the best guess blueprint for beating Oregon. The Huskies limited big plays and managed to launch touchdown drives that ran plenty of time off the clock. Logic would dictate that long waits on the sideline would throw off the Ducks’ rhythm. But there’s nothing logical about the Ducks – in case you couldn’t tell from those Technicolor dreamcoat uniforms that evolve each season. Oregon is the same terrifying beat that we’ve been calling it for the last two months. Washington gave it a good shot, but ended up as just another victim in the Ducks’ ever-growing list.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Auburn, Nebraska

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Northwestern, Utah, Notre Dame

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.

USELESS Poll: Week 6

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

No time for pleasantries. We're just trying to get this thing up and running before the noon kickoffs. Just grab a drink and introduce yourself to anyone else who's standing around. 

1. Alabama (defeated Georgia State 45-3) – Tragically, Nobel prize nominations were handed out just a few days too early for Alabama’s borderline-saintly effort to not embarrass the absolute hell out of Georgia State. While many polls and ranking systems like to differ in their interpretation of who the No. 1 team is, just for the sake of quirkiness and notoriety, just about everyone is content to agree that the Panthers are the absolute worst piece of garbage in FBS football and an affront to FBS football in general. Cheers to Alabama for handling a ridiculous matchup perfectly. The Tide built a huge lead on its first five drives, then got everyone out of the way and just sat around, hoping that fans would leave the stadium to go back to their tailgates.

2. Oregon (defeated Colorado 57-16) – Home, away, rain, shine, whatever – the Ducks have proven time and time again that they’re going to score and that they’re going to do so at an absurd rate. Colorado isn’t a world beater, but it’s also an improved school that isn’t the absolute doormat that it has served as for the last few seasons. Leave it to Oregon to stomp all over a team’s slowly improving self esteem. We’re far enough into 2013 that we can re-use our favorite line from 2012. When Oregon wins the coin flip, the Ducks don’t choose to kick or receive. They elect to score… God help anyone who thinks they can get in the way.

3. Clemson (defeated Syracuse 49-14) – The Tigers got their semi-scare from N.C. State a couple of weeks ago, but nothing so far has shown that this Clemson squad will be the same underachieving, heartbreaking team that it has been in the past. Boston College still stands between Clemson and its pseudo-ACC Championship game against Florida State next week, but the Tigers have gained our trust. Clemson might not breeze through its schedule, but this week’s game only begs the question of whether or not the Tigers will cover the spread.

4. Ohio State (defeated Northwestern 40-30) – The Buckeyes notched their second impressive Big Ten win in as many weeks by outlasting Northwestern under the lights, on the road, and in front of a national audience. Ohio State was only on the right side of the scoring margin for a few minutes last week, but it’s only the final score that matters and the Buckeyes have won that struggle an impressive 19 times in a row to lead the nation. Plenty of people might argue that the Buckeyes went undefeated last season only because of a weak conference schedule and have had a ton of close calls. That is certainly true, but if you want to detract from a team for every perceived shortcoming, you also have to give credit for the ability to somehow find a way to win.

5. Louisville (defeated Temple 30-7) – Before the 2013 season even began, Louisville’s critics were already buzzing. There’s no denying it… The Zombie Big East is mostly a joke and the Cardinals’ ranking has much more to do with the 2012 team’s great season and win over Florida in the Sugar Bowl than with this season’s dominance. No margin of victory will be able to satisfy some voters, but Rutgers has done the Cardinals a favor for this week’s game by staying competitive long enough to pose some sort of threat to Louisville for the ZBE crown. Personally, we think that a 19-point spread is far too much to give the Scarlet Knights. That said, it’s no wonder Louisville has its detractors when the biggest conference matchup of the season still results in a nearly 3 touchdown spread. **UPDATE** - Man. These Thursday night games with ranked teams are killing us. We’ll just hope you can trust us that we weren’t just making up that Rutgers gambling call after the fact. Not a dominating win for Louisville, but it beats the alternative.

6. Stanford (defeated Washington 31-28) – It’s amazing how a change of perspective is able to change views and arguments at a moment’s notice. For years, the Pac-12 was mocked by other prominent conferences like the Big Ten and SEC at every turn for being a conference full of fast-moving, shotgun-only, defense-ignoring bums who were in basic agreement with each other to score 40-plus points on each other every week for the sake of grabbing headlines. Nowadays, it’s the Pac-12 dishing out well-rounded games full of instances of both great offense and defense. Meanwhile, the SEC is running around promoting its myriad 44-41 games and trying to convince the nation that the quality of teams are still vastly superior and rationalizing the huge disparity in points from previous seasons as *looks at magic 8-ball* MAGIC!!!!!

7. Texas A&M (did not play) – There is a disturbing trend going on in college football that points to the further diminishing of America’s collective attention span. Johnny Manziel is the defending Heisman winner. He’s got almost 1,500 passing yards and 17 total touchdowns to just four turnovers, but hasn’t been mentioned much by the talking heads as a potential repeat winner. Sure, Manziel’s team didn’t win its most important game of the season, but that was also Johnny Football’s most impressive individual showing of his entire career. There are plenty of other guys very deserving of being mentioned as potential Heisman winners, but let’s not forget that the current champ is doing a pretty good job of defending his title so far.

8. Florida State (defeated No. 25 Maryland 63-0) – We’ve seen more than our fair share of comically lopsided scores so far this season, but that mostly dealt with top teams taking on FCS squads or lower FBS conference bottom feeders. No one saw this ranked-on-ranked violence coming. Jameis Winston continued the push for a second consecutive freshman Heisman winner with 393 passing yards and five touchdowns. As for the Terps, that little bit of national attention couldn’t have possibly been worth it. Marginal rankings in the polls come and go, but 63-point losses are forever.

9. UCLA (defeated Utah 34-27) – Another week brings around nothing but more good vibes for the Bruins. UCLA is still undefeated and in the top-10, but last week got an even tastier treat as USC canned Lane Kiffin. Even better, the Trojans don’t seem to be in any sort of hurry to hire a permanent replacement. The only bad news could be if the Trojans continue to sputter. So many times over the last decade, it was an underachieving Bruins team that threw a wrench into USC during the last game of the regular season. It would be a tragic reversal of roles if a USC team with nothing to lose ruined a huge run for UCLA this time around.

10. Georgia (defeated Tennessee 34-31) – The Bulldogs managed to keep their undefeated SEC record intact, but paid a high price to do so. Already down one receiver for the season, UGA added two more to the injured list and threw in running back Keith Marshall for good measure. Georgia’s drop in ranking isn’t so much a punishment for being taken into overtime by Tennessee as it is a precursor of bigger drops to come as the Bulldogs are just a few weeks away from taking on Florida without many of their biggest weapons.

11. Miami (FL) (defeated Georgia Tech 45-30) – A slow start threatened to derail the good work Miami has put in so far, but the Hurricanes rattled off 38 of 44 points to turn a potential upset into a relatively easy win. With the victory, the Canes assume the front-running position in their division. Getting to the ACC championship shouldn’t be much of a stretch for Miami since Georgia Tech is already in the rearview mirror and Virginia Tech continues to struggle, but the Canes might be in for a rude awakening if/when they have to take on Clemson or Florida State.

12. Oklahoma (defeated TCU 20-17) – The Sooners announced their candidacy for national title contender with a win over Notre Dame that looked a little too easy at times. Then, in true Oklahoma fashion, things nearly derailed as soon as the national spotlight got a little too bright. TCU is a quality team and even a three-point win over the Horned Frogs is a pretty good day at the office. That’s all well and good for hanging around the rankings and possibly contending for the Big XII title, but the Sooners need to do more. The first BCS polls are just around the corner and a big showing against arch-rival Texas is now likely to be the only way that Oklahoma will be a talking point when the first discussions on big bowl games fires up.

13. LSU (defeated Mississippi State 59-26) – That loss to Georgia two weeks ago certainly seemed to be lingering in the minds of the LSU defense. Dominant for the first month of the season, the Tigers got torched in their 44-41 loss and didn’t quite look like themselves in their next game. Fortunately for the Bayou Bengals, Zach Mettenberger is still playing outside of his mind. That will have to remain a constant as LSU still controls its own destiny in the SEC West, but has the hardest remaining schedule of any division team

14. South Carolina (defeated Kentucky 35-28) – A new week and, once again, the nation anxiously awaits the newest update from the soap opera that has become of Jadaveon Clowney’s season. This time around, some bad ribs caused him to not even attempt playing in a game against the Wildcats that was much closer that it had any good reason to be. We’re not going to stand here and say that Clowney’s participation or non-participation doesn’t matter, but it also isn’t the final word in Carolina’s ability to play like a top-15 team. That said, the Gamecocks seem all too happy to get sucked into the drama with each passing week. A tough game at Arkansas awaits this week and South Carolina is bound to get upset if it keeps losing focus.

15. New York Giants (lost to Chicago 27-21) – New York might be the new hell for professional football, but we’re confident that the Giants would class things up a bit and contend just fine if they were to drop down into the Zombie Big East for the remainder of the season. Seriously though… Someone needs to pony up the cash to actually set up the mythical ‘best of college vs. worst of NFL’ matchup. Maybe after the Jaguars beat someone by 30, we can put the issue to bed once and for all.

16. Baylor (defeated West Virginia 73-42) – If anyone had their doubts about the abilities of the scoreboard at Floyd Casey Stadium, there should be no more uncertainty. The Bears continued their record-breaking offensive pace by scoring 70 or more points for the fourth time this season. There are more than a few people out there who will scoff at this kind of score and insist that this isn’t how football is meant to be played. To those, we offer a disinterested and barely audible ‘Meh’. There are fare worse things to be subjected to at a football game than over one hundred combined points. If you’re that upset about it, turn a negative into a positive. Do the whole push-up-for-every-point celebration. You’ll be jacked enough to serve as a decent defensive threat by homecoming.

17. Texas Tech (defeated Kansas 54-16) – Maybe it wasn’t the evil genius of Mike Leach. Perhaps there’s just something in the water in Lubbock that makes quarterbacks rack up passing yards and points like they’re going out of style. Last week’s win wasn’t any sort of statement game, but at least it was a solid, dominating effort on the road. The Red Raiders might wish that they could bring some of those points back in the future as three showdowns against ranked opponents remain.

18. Florida (defeated Arkansas 30-10) – How crappy must Jeff Driskel feel right about now? For over two years, he was constantly dragged through the mud as he never quite lived up to expectations. It’s not like Florida has a ton of playmakers to help out, but the offense has been less than stellar and the finger has always pointed right at Driskel. Cue Tyler Murphy, who doesn’t seem like a transcendent talent, but who also can’t seem to do much wrong since replacing an injured Driskel. Murphy’s nice run might come to an end this week as Florida must travel to LSU, which boasts a far better defense than anything Murphy has seen so far.

19. Northwestern (lost to No. 4 Ohio State 40-30) – No shame in losing for the Wildcats, but it’s probably going to take a perfect remainder of the season if Northwestern is to bounce back from its first loss and continue to contend for the Big Ten title. The Wildcats went toe-to-toe with the Buckeyes and looked like a very effective offense, but just didn’t have the athletes on the other side of the ball to stop Braxton Miller and the OSU attack. Insult was added to injury – at least for Northwestern fans who are degenerate gamblers – when the final play of the game saw the Wildcats fall victim to one of the worst backdoor covers ever.

20. Fresno State (defeated Idaho 61-14) – Could there be a bigger disparity between two main schools in a state than there is with Idaho and Boise State? It’s no surprise that states with plenty of teams like Florida and Texas could have a top-10 team or two while the state’s worst team is absolutely awful, but there are only two choices for FBS football in the Potato State. Boise isn’t even its usual Cinderella self this season and the disparity between the Broncos and the Vandals is still embarrassing. At least they don’t have to do each other the indignity of going head to head each season. Also, add ‘Vandals’ to the ever-growing list of sweet names somehow given out to horrible teams.

21. Oklahoma State (defeated Kansas State 33-29) – The Cowboys were so down in the dumps after that upset at the hands of West Virginia that the Mountaineers got into their heads and almost beat OSU twice. Okie State started off well enough, but then its offense started to sputter as the defense forgot how to tackle. The Cowboys at least acted like a ranked team should at the end. K-State took a fourth quarter lead and all of the momentum, but the Cowboys stormed back. The only thing that could have been better for our bank account… ummm… we mean, OK State’s morale, would have been if a last second interception would have gone the final five yards for a pick-six and a cover.

22. Michigan (defeated Minnesota 42-13) – After scares against Akron and UConn, it seems as if the Wolverines are finally back on track. Even better, Michigan has looked to be at its best against rivals and in Big Ten play. Michigan fans can’t be happy about having not appeared in either of the first two Big Ten championships, so  the fact that the Wolverines are still undefeated is little consolation to the fact that there is still a lot of work to do before Michigan can feel good about itself. Up next: a classic trap game as Michigan travels to always-dangerous Penn State.

23. Early games (defeating late starts by 2-3 additional games watched) – This one is purely selfish. Now that the South Georgia climate will allow early afternoon games without risking heat stroke to all involved, early games are definitely better for attending. There is still plenty of good tailgating to be had, plus you can come down from your high/low of your team’s win/loss in time to enjoy two more rounds of games during the evening.

24. Virginia Tech (defeated North Carolina 27-17) – The Hokies have been an odd case study for the last few years. On one hand, they bring in plenty of talent and have given higher ranked teams all they can handle. On the other hand, not a season has gone by in the last few years when we didn’t look up in mid-September and wonder why Virginia Tech was getting pushed to the brink – and sometimes over it – by an absolute nobody. Maybe they’ve adopted Oklahoma’s personality. Logan Thomas and the VT offense were highly touted for the last few years, but have never realized their potential. Most of the national media has spent 2013 ignoring the Hokies, which coincides with things finally working smoother and wins piling up.

25. Northern Illinois (defeated Kent State 38-24) – It took about two months, but Fresno State finally has some company in the BCS-busting party. Northern Illinois made it to the Orange Bowl last season, but laid an egg against Florida State. Undeterred, the Huskies are back this year and have rattled off five straight wins to crack the poll. Unfortunately for them, the game plan remains the same as last season and could lead to another big defeat if matched against an elite team. Jordan Lynch is a do-it-all threat at quarterback, but he has to do it all as no other skill players are on that next level.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Missouri, Nebraska

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Auburn, Wisconsin, Notre Dame

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.