USELESS Poll: Week 8

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

Good timing, college football. Halloween is just around the corner, so it only seems natural that the top teams in the nation had a horror movie unleashed upon them last week. Not even the highest levels of the poll were safe as underdogs ran wild throughout the weekend.

This week brings about a totally rearranged top-25 with a few new faces creeping towards BCS territory. The carnage likely hasn’t yet run its full course as plenty of highly ranked teams face more challenges this week.

The weather has turned cold and it seems like the days have lost an hour of sunlight in just the last week or so. Yup… It’s definitely the heart of football season.

1. Alabama (defeated Arkansas 52-0) – The Crimson Tide certainly seems to have found its mean streak. In a tumultuous week of SEC play where some favorites were knocked down a peg while a few middling teams staked their claim for more national relevance, Alabama simply looked down from its seat atop the mountain and laughed before beating the ever-loving crap out of Arkansas. This is how you get to No. 1… Anyone can win a big game here and there. It’s quite another to be an overwhelming favorite each week that never fails to keep its foot firmly pressed down on the gas.

2. Oregon (defeated Washington State 62-38) – It was a little weird to hear the coaches of a team that had just won by 24 points complain about having the score run up on them. That said, we can’t say that we totally disagree. For years, solid national title candidates from the Pac-12 have had to endure the criticism thrown at them of being from a conference that was only about having the most effective wacky offense. The Ducks’ defense performed fine for the majority of the night, but then sat back and watched Washington State’s first string offense go to town on what amounted to an Oregon scout team. We’re all about everyone always giving 110% and never giving up, but when teams get hammered for leaving their starters in too long in winning efforts, losing teams shouldn’t be able to delegitimize a dominant win by taking advantage of scrubs just to save a little face.

3. Florida State (defeated No. 3 Clemson 51-14) – OK. Funny joke. Nice try. Who hacked our DVR and – instead of the live showing of the FSU-Clemson game – substituted a vintage early-90s recording of the Seminoles annihilating anything and everything in the ACC with extreme prejudice? Seriously. No one doubted that the Noles had the talent to pull off a win in Death Valley, but no one could have seen that complete ass-kicking coming. On a more level-headed note, it should be understood that the impressive nature of last week’s FSU win isn’t a baseline measure. Both of these teams are very good, and one-sided contests like that one are usually one-off flukes. But that state is just for Clemson fans to use in order to justify staying near the top-10 after such an embarrassment. For FSU fans, just soak it all in.

4. Ohio State (defeated Iowa 34-24) – The Buckeyes have spent the entire season in the No. 4 slot, and couldn’t capitalize on the team right above them going down as they were too busy trying to claw their way to a win over a painfully mediocre Iowa squad. Every bit of respect that the Buckeyes command with their nation-leading winning streak and the fact that they’re undefeated since Urban Meyer’s arrival is hurt by the constant stream of inferior opponents pushing them to the brink. Also, why is OSU-Iowa not an inspiration to fledgling programs? Buckeyes and Hawkeyes are pretty cool names, but are just representing the states’ official nicknames. A Buckhawk isn’t a thing that we’re currently aware of, but it needs to be the mascot of the next school to adopt football.

5. The soon-to-be playoff system (defeats BCS by virtue of not yet having had a chance to piss off the entire country) – Take a good look at the four teams above this slot. If the season ended today, that would be the end of the discussion. Those four schools would be the last ones left standing in a four-month dogfight of a regular season. To be fair, that’s not a bad outcome when compared to the old system of combining human polls and computer algorithms to pluck two teams out of midair to compete for a championship. We don’t think that a basketball style 64-team tournament is appropriate for college football, but the upcoming system would be better served if it had one additional round. Assuming that there is no end in sight to horribly lopsided scheduling of non-conference games, traditional powers and upstarts from non-power conferences will continue to face just a few challenging games each season. This lack of a comprehensive resume will leave things murky in the top-10. If we’re only allowing the four teams at the top into a playoff for the national title, there are going to be instances where an undefeated school is left out (or that there is a huge log jam of one-loss teams that gets split). If the playoff system were to be expanded to eight teams, there would still be problems, but they’d be less significant ones. It’s entirely feasible for an undefeated small conference team (or a one-loss power conference team) to be able to compete with a No. 1, yet be left out of a four-team playoff. People would still complain over the No. 8 spot in an eight-team playoff, but it’s much easier to dismiss the arguments of two-loss teams than of those who are undefeated or who have had just one setback.

6. Miami (FL) (defeated North Carolina 27-23) – That was a whole lot of space for the first five slots to take up. Hopefully the next 20 are a bit more efficient. Miami provides a good chance for this. The Hurricanes deserve plenty of respect for continuing to win each week, but also owe plenty of thanks to all of the teams that decided to tank and give them a clear run to the heights of this week’s poll. Tuesday’s official end to the investigation into Miami is a bit of a relief to those concerned that the Canes might have had to endure further sanctions, but this might be a hindrance in disguise. The Hurricanes are great at playing the heel. It’s what they were meant to do. If adversity/controversy isn’t there to make everyone else hate Miami and openly cheer for its downfall, the team might lose its edge.

7. Stanford (defeated No. 9 UCLA 24-10) – The Cardinal had a serious run-in with a letdown game last week a Utah, but rebounded to beat a very tough Bruin squad and go the added boost of watching a handful of teams ranked above them take a hit. In the last few years, Stanford has lost a bunch of linemen, a pair of tight ends, a quarterback, a coach, and a few others to the NFL. In spite of that, the Cardinal continue to run the most professional scheme in all of college football. With so many NFL teams heavily favoring players who have played in offenses/defenses that fit their molds, the only thing stopping Stanford from becoming an NCAA superpower is the fact that its players are expected to also contribute to a top-10 academic institution. Silly Stanford. Maybe you’ll win a national title once you get your priorities in line.

8. Missouri (defeated Florida 36-17) – At its current rate, Missouri will be the first USELESS Poll team to ever achieve a rating better than No. 1 next week. The Tigers have been the beneficiaries of an incredible few weeks worth of solid play, injuries to opponents’ stars, and downfalls of higher-ranked teams. Of course, it’s not like Missouri hasn’t earned most of its ranking. The Tigers are joined by only Oregon in beating every one of its opponents by at least 15 points this season. With a win over South Carolina this week, Missouri will have effectively sewn up the SEC East before Halloween. Pretty impressive for a team that couldn’t play ‘old man football’ last year.

9. Baylor (defeated Iowa State 71-7) – We’re quickly running out of unique ways to describe how comically effective Baylor’s offense is. The Bears are starting to make Oregon wonder if it should try to produce more big plays. Baylor is averaging 714 yards per game. More impressively, the Bears are averaging 9.08 YARDS PER PLAY!!! How are you supposed to get an offense off the field when nearly half of their plays produce touchdowns? At this rate, Baylor is going to flirt with the 700 point mark at the end of the regular season. For reference, the record setting 2007 Patriots own the NFL’s high score with 586 points in 16 games.

10. Texas Tech (defeated West Virginia 37-27) – The Red Raiders haven’t had to face much competition so far, but it’s still impressive for any BCS conference team to make it this far into the season with an unblemished record. This week will produce a serious test as Tech travels to Oklahoma. With the Big XII sticking with its 10 teams and no conference championship game, this game could be a big factor in determining who locks up the title and a trip to the BCS. A loss by the Raiders would have them in bad shape as Baylor and Texas still loom ahead. A loss for the Sooners takes them out of BCS contention altogether.

11. Clemson (lost to No. 5 Florida State 51-14) – Come over here, Clemson fan. Seriously. Come here. Just take this hug. Go on. Let it all out. Tears are OK. That’s perfectly normal. Umm… OK… you’re going to dry heave a little bit? That’s alright I gu— and now you’re actually throwing up all over yourself. Let’s try to get it together here, Clemson. Wait. Are you pissing your pants now? You are. You’re just sitting there, sobbing and peeing. Now it smells like someone shit their pants. You know what, Clemson? We’re gonna just leave you alone for awhile. Try to have yourself straightened up by next week.

12. LSU (lost to Mississippi 27-24) – For our readers up north, we feel obliged to educate you on a rivalry that doesn’t get much attention outside of the SEC West. Ole Miss and LSU don’t like each other. They pretty much hate each other. They’d probably go to war with each other if we weren’t right in the middle of a stretch of new Duck Dynasty episodes. The rivalry has been a bit cooler in recent years as both teams rarely manage to be good at the same time, but that lull came to an end last week as Ole Miss pulled an upset and vaulted over the Tigers for position in the division race. Since the Rebels got the win, we’ll give them the final word in this year’s edition of the rivalry – “Purple shirts, yellow britches. Go to hell, you sons of bitches.”

13. UCLA (lost to No. 13 Stanford 24-10) – After shooting into the top-10 as an under-the-radar BCS team during the first two months of the season, the Bruins finally hit a snag. UCLA doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. They put up a solid effort on the road, but just didn’t have the defense to match up with a Stanford team that is now playing desperate to keep its Pac-12 title chances afloat. Brett Hundley couldn’t make the big play against the toughest defense he’s seen so far, but didn’t perform badly either. Hundley’s prime – at least in college – is going to have the misfortune of being wasted on a couple of years where the Bruins just don’t have the supporting cast capable of being elite.

14. Fresno State (defeated UNLV 38-14) – The Bulldogs have beaten everyone on the schedule so far. Now that some teams have taken a tumble, Fresno is finally starting to make the climb up the rankings. The bad news for the Bulldogs is that there are still plenty of undefeated teams ahead of them. While many will likely get knocked off at some point, history has shown that any team in the top-5 can absorb a loss and still manage to stay ahead of an undefeated Fresno team. Rutgers and Boise State are the closest things to stellar competition on Fresno’s resume, so it would take an act of God for the Bulldogs to achieve anything more then an NCAA-mandated appearance in whichever BCS bowl gets the last pick.

15. Virginia Tech (did not play) – The Hokies have done nothing to deserve this ranking, but we suppose running off six consecutive wins should count for something. VT hasn’t had another setback since its season-opening loss against Alabama, but hasn’t exactly been impressive in the process. The streak includes by-the-skin-of-its-teeth wins over Marshall and East Carolina. In fact, in the Hokies’ six games against FBS teams, they’ve scored just 15 more points than the competition. It’s going to take a much stronger effort than that to get past Miami in a few weeks.

16. Auburn (defeated No. 7 Texas A&M 45-41) – Kudos to the Tigers for out-Johnny Footballing Johhny Football. If you can’t stop him, you’ve got to outscore him, which is exactly what Auburn was able to do. Plenty of people would have guessed that the Tigers would show improvement in their first year under Gus Malzahn, but things have kicked into high gear. With LSU and Texas A&M both wearing two conference losses already, Auburn controls its own destiny in the SEC West. The odds of the Tigers actually running the table are pretty slim, but the fact that they’re bowl eligible before November should count for something.

17. Oklahoma State (defeated TCU 24-10) – The Cowboys have managed to run off consecutive wins following their upset loss at the hands of West Virginia, but can’t seem to find the offensive spark that had them looking like Big XII frontrunners at the beginning of the season. J.W. Walsh isn’t the world’s most accurate passer, but the offense definitely runs more efficiently when he’s on the field. Okie State could do itself a huge favor by just picking one quarterback – preferably Walsh – and sticking with him.

18. Oklahoma (defeated Kansas 34-19) – The Sooners rebounded from that embarrassing defeat in the Red River Shootout, but still looked like they were going through the motions last week. Of course, if you can find a handful of legitimate college football players, going through the motions is all you need to get a win over Kansas. Wasn’t it just six or seven years ago that the Jayhawks were ranked No. 4 and were one game away from playing for a conference title and a possible shot at the national title? You’ve gotta give it to Kansas. When they go down, they go down hard.

19. Texas A&M (lost to Auburn 45-41) – With their second loss of the season, it’s time for the Aggies to make a tough call… Johnny Manziel needs to start playing defense as well. Sure, he might only have one fully functional are come this week, but it’s not like anyone in the current A&M defensive lineup is wrapping up right now. The Aggie defense was never something to be feared, but at least last year’s squad was able to come up with a turnover once in a while. At the current rate, everyone’s game plan against A&M should simply be to make sure that they have the ball last.

20. Louisville (lost to Central Florida 38-35) – Before the season even began, Louisville knew that it only had two challenging games on its schedule. The Cardinals didn’t make it look easy against Rutgers, but still controlled most of the game. In their final big challenge, Louisville got off to a great start before everything went to hell in a hurry. Upsets of highly ranked teams by unranked squads happen all of the time, but also tend to follow a pretty common course of events. Usually, the favorite just comes out cold and never improves. Their athletic advantage is enough to keep them close, but the underdog rides their momentum to one final score/stop. That wasn’t the case last Thursday. The Cardinals cruised to a 28-7 lead, then promptly saw their wheels fly off.

21. Wisconsin (did not play) – The Badgers will be heavy favorites in every game for the rest of the season, but staying focused will be an issue since the Big Ten title might already be out of reach. Wisconsin has just one conference loss, but that setback was to Ohio State, which is in the same division as ‘Sconsin. Even if the Buckeyes drop a game, they’ll still own the tiebreaker over the Badgers. Still, a 10-2 mark might be enough to get Wisconsin consideration for an at-large selection to the BCS.

22. Bonfires (did not play for last 40 weeks) – At the time of posting, the thermometer was registering a brisk (by South Georgia standards) 49 degrees. That can mean only one thing. Bonfires are about to join forces with one of last week’s poll entries – craft/seasonal beer – to create an unstoppable duo. Provided that you have a good satellite package and an easily moveable television, there is nothing in the world that can beat watching a late night football game, fireside, on a cold night – preferably with a few adult-type beverages in a conveniently placed cooler. Just make sure that you save an extra $100 or so while getting this setup together. There’s a non-zero chance that you’re going to accidentally fall asleep in the middle of a game once or twice and find that the soles of your shoes have melted come sunrise.

23. Arizona State (defeated No. 25 Washington 53-24) – The Sun Devils are likely getting a little bit too much love this week, but we want to see where this goes. Arizona State has two losses already and could easily have had a third if not for the wacky ending to the Wisconsin game. That said, the Devils are giving all opposing defenses a tough time and have two very winnable games coming up. If ASU can keep it together, they’ll roll into consecutive games against Oregon State and UCLA with a 7-2 record and a chance to be in everyone’s top-15.

24. Oregon State (defeated Cal 49-17) – Thanks to a season-opening loss to FCS Eastern Washington, the Beavers have had to rattle off wins for nearly two straight months just to get back into the national headlines. Since we last saw Oregon State, the Beavers have been doing their best impression of their arch-rivals up the road, running up impressive numbers against all comers and sealing up most wins just after halftime. The Beavers get a much tougher test this week as Stanford comes to town. If OSU finds a way to win another one, the stage could be set for a season-ending clash between the Ducks and the Beavers with the division title and a spot in the Pac-12 championship game on the line.

25. Northern Illinois (defeated Central Michigan 38-17) – Heading towards November, things aren’t looking great for Northern Illinois’ BCS hopes. Not only are there plenty of powerhouse teams remaining with one loss or less, but Fresno State seems to be the unanimous choice for ‘non BCS darling’. At least last season the Huskies were able to stake their claim with a conference championship game victory over another ranked team (Kent State) with a captive national audience looking on. This season, the MAC isn’t doing Northern Illinois any such favors. Kent State has fallen off and the Huskies didn’t have anyone of note on its non-conference slate. Ball State will be a good test and the Huskies could get some exposure in another conference title game, but it doesn’t look like that will be good enough this season.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Michigan, South Carolina, Central Florida

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Michigan State, Notre Dame

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.