USELESS Poll: Week 6

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

No time for pleasantries. We're just trying to get this thing up and running before the noon kickoffs. Just grab a drink and introduce yourself to anyone else who's standing around. 

1. Alabama (defeated Georgia State 45-3) – Tragically, Nobel prize nominations were handed out just a few days too early for Alabama’s borderline-saintly effort to not embarrass the absolute hell out of Georgia State. While many polls and ranking systems like to differ in their interpretation of who the No. 1 team is, just for the sake of quirkiness and notoriety, just about everyone is content to agree that the Panthers are the absolute worst piece of garbage in FBS football and an affront to FBS football in general. Cheers to Alabama for handling a ridiculous matchup perfectly. The Tide built a huge lead on its first five drives, then got everyone out of the way and just sat around, hoping that fans would leave the stadium to go back to their tailgates.

2. Oregon (defeated Colorado 57-16) – Home, away, rain, shine, whatever – the Ducks have proven time and time again that they’re going to score and that they’re going to do so at an absurd rate. Colorado isn’t a world beater, but it’s also an improved school that isn’t the absolute doormat that it has served as for the last few seasons. Leave it to Oregon to stomp all over a team’s slowly improving self esteem. We’re far enough into 2013 that we can re-use our favorite line from 2012. When Oregon wins the coin flip, the Ducks don’t choose to kick or receive. They elect to score… God help anyone who thinks they can get in the way.

3. Clemson (defeated Syracuse 49-14) – The Tigers got their semi-scare from N.C. State a couple of weeks ago, but nothing so far has shown that this Clemson squad will be the same underachieving, heartbreaking team that it has been in the past. Boston College still stands between Clemson and its pseudo-ACC Championship game against Florida State next week, but the Tigers have gained our trust. Clemson might not breeze through its schedule, but this week’s game only begs the question of whether or not the Tigers will cover the spread.

4. Ohio State (defeated Northwestern 40-30) – The Buckeyes notched their second impressive Big Ten win in as many weeks by outlasting Northwestern under the lights, on the road, and in front of a national audience. Ohio State was only on the right side of the scoring margin for a few minutes last week, but it’s only the final score that matters and the Buckeyes have won that struggle an impressive 19 times in a row to lead the nation. Plenty of people might argue that the Buckeyes went undefeated last season only because of a weak conference schedule and have had a ton of close calls. That is certainly true, but if you want to detract from a team for every perceived shortcoming, you also have to give credit for the ability to somehow find a way to win.

5. Louisville (defeated Temple 30-7) – Before the 2013 season even began, Louisville’s critics were already buzzing. There’s no denying it… The Zombie Big East is mostly a joke and the Cardinals’ ranking has much more to do with the 2012 team’s great season and win over Florida in the Sugar Bowl than with this season’s dominance. No margin of victory will be able to satisfy some voters, but Rutgers has done the Cardinals a favor for this week’s game by staying competitive long enough to pose some sort of threat to Louisville for the ZBE crown. Personally, we think that a 19-point spread is far too much to give the Scarlet Knights. That said, it’s no wonder Louisville has its detractors when the biggest conference matchup of the season still results in a nearly 3 touchdown spread. **UPDATE** - Man. These Thursday night games with ranked teams are killing us. We’ll just hope you can trust us that we weren’t just making up that Rutgers gambling call after the fact. Not a dominating win for Louisville, but it beats the alternative.

6. Stanford (defeated Washington 31-28) – It’s amazing how a change of perspective is able to change views and arguments at a moment’s notice. For years, the Pac-12 was mocked by other prominent conferences like the Big Ten and SEC at every turn for being a conference full of fast-moving, shotgun-only, defense-ignoring bums who were in basic agreement with each other to score 40-plus points on each other every week for the sake of grabbing headlines. Nowadays, it’s the Pac-12 dishing out well-rounded games full of instances of both great offense and defense. Meanwhile, the SEC is running around promoting its myriad 44-41 games and trying to convince the nation that the quality of teams are still vastly superior and rationalizing the huge disparity in points from previous seasons as *looks at magic 8-ball* MAGIC!!!!!

7. Texas A&M (did not play) – There is a disturbing trend going on in college football that points to the further diminishing of America’s collective attention span. Johnny Manziel is the defending Heisman winner. He’s got almost 1,500 passing yards and 17 total touchdowns to just four turnovers, but hasn’t been mentioned much by the talking heads as a potential repeat winner. Sure, Manziel’s team didn’t win its most important game of the season, but that was also Johnny Football’s most impressive individual showing of his entire career. There are plenty of other guys very deserving of being mentioned as potential Heisman winners, but let’s not forget that the current champ is doing a pretty good job of defending his title so far.

8. Florida State (defeated No. 25 Maryland 63-0) – We’ve seen more than our fair share of comically lopsided scores so far this season, but that mostly dealt with top teams taking on FCS squads or lower FBS conference bottom feeders. No one saw this ranked-on-ranked violence coming. Jameis Winston continued the push for a second consecutive freshman Heisman winner with 393 passing yards and five touchdowns. As for the Terps, that little bit of national attention couldn’t have possibly been worth it. Marginal rankings in the polls come and go, but 63-point losses are forever.

9. UCLA (defeated Utah 34-27) – Another week brings around nothing but more good vibes for the Bruins. UCLA is still undefeated and in the top-10, but last week got an even tastier treat as USC canned Lane Kiffin. Even better, the Trojans don’t seem to be in any sort of hurry to hire a permanent replacement. The only bad news could be if the Trojans continue to sputter. So many times over the last decade, it was an underachieving Bruins team that threw a wrench into USC during the last game of the regular season. It would be a tragic reversal of roles if a USC team with nothing to lose ruined a huge run for UCLA this time around.

10. Georgia (defeated Tennessee 34-31) – The Bulldogs managed to keep their undefeated SEC record intact, but paid a high price to do so. Already down one receiver for the season, UGA added two more to the injured list and threw in running back Keith Marshall for good measure. Georgia’s drop in ranking isn’t so much a punishment for being taken into overtime by Tennessee as it is a precursor of bigger drops to come as the Bulldogs are just a few weeks away from taking on Florida without many of their biggest weapons.

11. Miami (FL) (defeated Georgia Tech 45-30) – A slow start threatened to derail the good work Miami has put in so far, but the Hurricanes rattled off 38 of 44 points to turn a potential upset into a relatively easy win. With the victory, the Canes assume the front-running position in their division. Getting to the ACC championship shouldn’t be much of a stretch for Miami since Georgia Tech is already in the rearview mirror and Virginia Tech continues to struggle, but the Canes might be in for a rude awakening if/when they have to take on Clemson or Florida State.

12. Oklahoma (defeated TCU 20-17) – The Sooners announced their candidacy for national title contender with a win over Notre Dame that looked a little too easy at times. Then, in true Oklahoma fashion, things nearly derailed as soon as the national spotlight got a little too bright. TCU is a quality team and even a three-point win over the Horned Frogs is a pretty good day at the office. That’s all well and good for hanging around the rankings and possibly contending for the Big XII title, but the Sooners need to do more. The first BCS polls are just around the corner and a big showing against arch-rival Texas is now likely to be the only way that Oklahoma will be a talking point when the first discussions on big bowl games fires up.

13. LSU (defeated Mississippi State 59-26) – That loss to Georgia two weeks ago certainly seemed to be lingering in the minds of the LSU defense. Dominant for the first month of the season, the Tigers got torched in their 44-41 loss and didn’t quite look like themselves in their next game. Fortunately for the Bayou Bengals, Zach Mettenberger is still playing outside of his mind. That will have to remain a constant as LSU still controls its own destiny in the SEC West, but has the hardest remaining schedule of any division team

14. South Carolina (defeated Kentucky 35-28) – A new week and, once again, the nation anxiously awaits the newest update from the soap opera that has become of Jadaveon Clowney’s season. This time around, some bad ribs caused him to not even attempt playing in a game against the Wildcats that was much closer that it had any good reason to be. We’re not going to stand here and say that Clowney’s participation or non-participation doesn’t matter, but it also isn’t the final word in Carolina’s ability to play like a top-15 team. That said, the Gamecocks seem all too happy to get sucked into the drama with each passing week. A tough game at Arkansas awaits this week and South Carolina is bound to get upset if it keeps losing focus.

15. New York Giants (lost to Chicago 27-21) – New York might be the new hell for professional football, but we’re confident that the Giants would class things up a bit and contend just fine if they were to drop down into the Zombie Big East for the remainder of the season. Seriously though… Someone needs to pony up the cash to actually set up the mythical ‘best of college vs. worst of NFL’ matchup. Maybe after the Jaguars beat someone by 30, we can put the issue to bed once and for all.

16. Baylor (defeated West Virginia 73-42) – If anyone had their doubts about the abilities of the scoreboard at Floyd Casey Stadium, there should be no more uncertainty. The Bears continued their record-breaking offensive pace by scoring 70 or more points for the fourth time this season. There are more than a few people out there who will scoff at this kind of score and insist that this isn’t how football is meant to be played. To those, we offer a disinterested and barely audible ‘Meh’. There are fare worse things to be subjected to at a football game than over one hundred combined points. If you’re that upset about it, turn a negative into a positive. Do the whole push-up-for-every-point celebration. You’ll be jacked enough to serve as a decent defensive threat by homecoming.

17. Texas Tech (defeated Kansas 54-16) – Maybe it wasn’t the evil genius of Mike Leach. Perhaps there’s just something in the water in Lubbock that makes quarterbacks rack up passing yards and points like they’re going out of style. Last week’s win wasn’t any sort of statement game, but at least it was a solid, dominating effort on the road. The Red Raiders might wish that they could bring some of those points back in the future as three showdowns against ranked opponents remain.

18. Florida (defeated Arkansas 30-10) – How crappy must Jeff Driskel feel right about now? For over two years, he was constantly dragged through the mud as he never quite lived up to expectations. It’s not like Florida has a ton of playmakers to help out, but the offense has been less than stellar and the finger has always pointed right at Driskel. Cue Tyler Murphy, who doesn’t seem like a transcendent talent, but who also can’t seem to do much wrong since replacing an injured Driskel. Murphy’s nice run might come to an end this week as Florida must travel to LSU, which boasts a far better defense than anything Murphy has seen so far.

19. Northwestern (lost to No. 4 Ohio State 40-30) – No shame in losing for the Wildcats, but it’s probably going to take a perfect remainder of the season if Northwestern is to bounce back from its first loss and continue to contend for the Big Ten title. The Wildcats went toe-to-toe with the Buckeyes and looked like a very effective offense, but just didn’t have the athletes on the other side of the ball to stop Braxton Miller and the OSU attack. Insult was added to injury – at least for Northwestern fans who are degenerate gamblers – when the final play of the game saw the Wildcats fall victim to one of the worst backdoor covers ever.

20. Fresno State (defeated Idaho 61-14) – Could there be a bigger disparity between two main schools in a state than there is with Idaho and Boise State? It’s no surprise that states with plenty of teams like Florida and Texas could have a top-10 team or two while the state’s worst team is absolutely awful, but there are only two choices for FBS football in the Potato State. Boise isn’t even its usual Cinderella self this season and the disparity between the Broncos and the Vandals is still embarrassing. At least they don’t have to do each other the indignity of going head to head each season. Also, add ‘Vandals’ to the ever-growing list of sweet names somehow given out to horrible teams.

21. Oklahoma State (defeated Kansas State 33-29) – The Cowboys were so down in the dumps after that upset at the hands of West Virginia that the Mountaineers got into their heads and almost beat OSU twice. Okie State started off well enough, but then its offense started to sputter as the defense forgot how to tackle. The Cowboys at least acted like a ranked team should at the end. K-State took a fourth quarter lead and all of the momentum, but the Cowboys stormed back. The only thing that could have been better for our bank account… ummm… we mean, OK State’s morale, would have been if a last second interception would have gone the final five yards for a pick-six and a cover.

22. Michigan (defeated Minnesota 42-13) – After scares against Akron and UConn, it seems as if the Wolverines are finally back on track. Even better, Michigan has looked to be at its best against rivals and in Big Ten play. Michigan fans can’t be happy about having not appeared in either of the first two Big Ten championships, so  the fact that the Wolverines are still undefeated is little consolation to the fact that there is still a lot of work to do before Michigan can feel good about itself. Up next: a classic trap game as Michigan travels to always-dangerous Penn State.

23. Early games (defeating late starts by 2-3 additional games watched) – This one is purely selfish. Now that the South Georgia climate will allow early afternoon games without risking heat stroke to all involved, early games are definitely better for attending. There is still plenty of good tailgating to be had, plus you can come down from your high/low of your team’s win/loss in time to enjoy two more rounds of games during the evening.

24. Virginia Tech (defeated North Carolina 27-17) – The Hokies have been an odd case study for the last few years. On one hand, they bring in plenty of talent and have given higher ranked teams all they can handle. On the other hand, not a season has gone by in the last few years when we didn’t look up in mid-September and wonder why Virginia Tech was getting pushed to the brink – and sometimes over it – by an absolute nobody. Maybe they’ve adopted Oklahoma’s personality. Logan Thomas and the VT offense were highly touted for the last few years, but have never realized their potential. Most of the national media has spent 2013 ignoring the Hokies, which coincides with things finally working smoother and wins piling up.

25. Northern Illinois (defeated Kent State 38-24) – It took about two months, but Fresno State finally has some company in the BCS-busting party. Northern Illinois made it to the Orange Bowl last season, but laid an egg against Florida State. Undeterred, the Huskies are back this year and have rattled off five straight wins to crack the poll. Unfortunately for them, the game plan remains the same as last season and could lead to another big defeat if matched against an elite team. Jordan Lynch is a do-it-all threat at quarterback, but he has to do it all as no other skill players are on that next level.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Missouri, Nebraska

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Auburn, Wisconsin, Notre Dame

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.