USELESS Poll: Week 9

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

While our readers up north will find this redundant, the rest of you guys must be glad that the weather finally seems to be cooling down for good. Down here in Georgia, we’ve blown through Indian Summer number one and are wrapping up the second one… That usually just about does it for the 80-plus degree days.

But just as the days are cooling down (TACKY CLICHÉ ALERT) the football action is heating up. The last few weeks have seen some big upsets while teams who suffered early losses are finally able to claw back into the national spotlight.

It will be November before any of this week’s top-25 plays, so let’s take a look at the schools that survived the first two months of action.

1. Alabama (defeated Tennessee 45-10) – In case you haven’t noticed, the Crimson Tide has been elevating the act of humiliating opponents to an art form for the last month or so. In fact, no one has managed to score a single point on Alabama in the first half ever since that shootout against Texas A&M in mid-September. After dispatching six consecutive punching bags, this week brings about a well-deserved bye week for the Tide. Next up for ‘Bama is a showdown with LSU. With a win, the Tide will have only Auburn standing in its way in pursuit of a second straight SEC West championship.

2. Oregon (defeated No. 13 UCLA 42-14) – There was a good amount of debate making the rounds last week when Florida State leapfrogged Oregon in the first BCS standings. We’re sure that there will be just as many debates now that the Ducks are back in the No. 2 slot. But we’d really like to take a moment to use this forum to put to bed one argument used by FSU fans that is just totally untrue. Throughout last week, we heard time and time again that Oregon wasn’t deserving of a top-2 spot because “the Ducks always lose to some crappy team.” Well…. In the last three years, the Ducks have lost the national championship game, they’ve lost to an LSU team that was the national runner up, they’ve lost to a Stanford team on its way to a Rose Bowl title, and they’ve lost to a bowl-winning No. 18 USC squad.

3. Florida State (defeated N.C. State 49-17) – Meanwhile, down in the Sunshine State, the Seminoles have been pretty busy over the last three years. In that span, FSU has lost 10 game – five of which came against unranked opponents. Obviously, the crimes of the 2010-12 teams (just figuratively speaking when we say crimes, Noles fans) shouldn’t hold down the accomplishments of this year’s team. And they aren’t. It just seems as though Oregon is a more dangerous team at the moment. Florida State can put another big star on its resume with a win over Miami this week, but in any case, there’s still a long ways to go before the rankings really start to mean something.

4. Ohio State (defeated Penn State 63-14) – Damn it, Ohio State. What the hell? You’ve endured so many close calls over the last two seasons while maintaining your perfect record with Urban Meyer at the helm. Finally, you get a nationally televised game against a not-horrible team and beat the absolute crap out of them. You did more than just that. You did things that had us ready to unleash borderline inappropriate euphemisms to accurately depict what you did to your opponent… Except that opponent just had to be Penn State. Given the events of the last two years, we can’t bring ourselves to make those jokes with PSU in such close proximity. Damn it, Buckeyes. This is why so many people in the south hate you. Even when you succeed, you fail.

5. Stanford (defeated No. 24 Oregon State 20-12) – Consecutive wins against ranked opponents are enough to allow the Cardinal to climb back into the top-5 despite having a loss on the books. Stanford isn’t flashy and it probably isn’t as talented as last year’s Rose Bowl winning squad. That said, the Cardinal are one of the marquee programs in a skyrocketing Pac-12 and continue to win all of their biggest games. Maybe Stanford is just ahead of the game. Seriously… The school has build a reputation for all that fancy book-learnin’ and one-upped that by making a freaking tree its mascot. The school invites adversity at every turn. It’s no wonder that the Cardinal have bounced back from a loss so quickly.

6. Baylor (defeated Kansas 59-14) – This is a quote, taken verbatim, from an ESPN analyst trying to delegitimize Baylor’s success so far: “Baylor has played a schedule that has been very easy on the front end. Kansas isn’t the best team, but against them, Baylor’s offense seemed a little bit more normal.” Ummmm. OK. First off, Kansas isn’t the right school to use when talking about a schedule getting tougher – especially when Baylor has already played three teams rated above the Jayhawks in most comprehensive rankings of all 125 FBS schools. Secondly, how is a 59-point output and a 500-yard first half qualifying as some sort of pedestrian effort? The Bears haven’t exactly taken on the biggest and the best, but averaging well over 60 points per game – as Baylor is doing – is impressive enough to give it the benefit of a doubt until someone puts a stop to it.

7. Miami (FL) (defeated Wake Forest 24-21) – Last week saw the Hurricanes pull out a win in an immensely entertaining game. It wasn’t especially ugly – there were over 750 total yards of offense and just one turnover – and there were no controversial calls to mar the outcome. That said, the teeny, tiny, little fact remains that Miami was stretched to within a few seconds of its undefeated life by a team that has just one win against schools that are over .500. Miami is giving it a good run and deserves its lofty ranking, but injuries to key players and the lack of a quarterback who can take over a game has the Hurricanes on shaky ground heading into a big game against Florida State.

8. Clemson (defeated Maryland 40-27) – The season is roughly at the midway point and the line separating the elite teams from the rest of the pack is slowly starting to take shape. Facing Florida State, Clemson gave a shining example of how a good team can be reduced to near incompetence when pitted against a team that is on that top level. Clemson is, most definitely, not a bad team. The fact that the Tigers have easily handled anyone not named Florida State should prove that point. Honestly, now that an appearance in the national championship game is pretty much out of the question, that loss to FSU might help Clemson’s cause. The Tigers have just one ranked opponent left on their schedule and no conference championship game to navigate. With four more wins, it’s very likely that Clemson will end up near the top-5 and an at-large in a BCS game.

9. Missouri (lost to South Carolina 27-24) – Some teams just can’t stand prosperity. Heading into last weekend, Missouri was one win away from having the SEC East all but sewn up. Naturally, the Tigers promptly coughed up a sizable lead, then choked in overtime. Luckily for Mizzou, its early wins still have it at an arm’s length from the rest of the division. The schedule doesn’t let up anytime soon, but if the Tigers can find three wins in their final four games, they should still walk into the conference championship game.

10. The REAL Football Season (defeating the last two months of non-conference foreplay) – The World Series brought an end to baseball season this week. That signals the beginning of the college football games that will really matter when all is said and done. Right about now, we’ve figured out which preseason favorites are for real and which unknown or underrated teams are going to be a real threat. Conference races are starting to heat up and every week from here on out will feature a big rivalry game or two. Buckle up, everybody. It’s about to get fun.

11. LSU (defeated Furman 48-16) – Two close losses to tough conference opponents has LSU topping all other two-loss teams, but the Tigers might start to lose credit if Georgia continues to slide or if Ole Miss doesn’t continue its climb. But those two games will bear little meaning when compared to LSU’s next test. The Bayou Bengals get some rest this weekend before making the trip to Tuscaloosa for a showdown with Alabama. This might be a tough one to get up for as even an upset win would leave LSU still trailing in the division. Then again, the Tigers have to have a little extra pep in their step as a third loss will pretty much eliminate them from any BCS bowl.

12. Auburn (defeated Florida Atlantic 45-10) – Looking at the stats, there really aren’t any great reasons to keep Auburn out of the top-10. Then again, we’ve never really hesitated to ignore stats in favor of gut feelings and sudden trends. When teams like Alabama drop a game and then regain the top ranking in less than a month – as it did last season – it’s because the program has built up plenty of goodwill. That idea swings both ways. Auburn looks like a top-tier team, but has been so god awful the last couple of years that it’s going to take a little while to see the Auburn logo and not immediately think ‘loses to Mississippi State and Vanderbilt’.

13. Fresno State (defeated San Diego State 35-28) – The nation’s top Cinderella story almost saw the clock hit midnight last week as San Diego State pushed the Bulldogs to their limits. Technically, Fresno only trailed for about four minutes of action, but giving up a 14 point lead in the final 10 minutes of play is never good. On the lighter side, all of our readers need to hop on YouTube – after you’re done with this week’s USELESS Poll, of course – and search for ‘SDSU Halloween game’. You haven’t truly lived until you’ve seen a five-man Jamaican bobsled team try to leg out a bloop into shallow right center.

14. Oklahoma (defeated No. 10 Texas Tech 38-30) – The Sooners haven’t exactly been destroying teams, but they deserve a little credit for hanging tough the last two weeks after that humbling loss to Texas. With a big win over Texas Tech last week, Oklahoma is now right back in the middle of the totally up-for-grabs Big XII race. The Sooners are off this week before reprising a familiar role. So many times over the last decade, an upstart Big XII program has shot up the rankings, only to be humbled when Oklahoma reminded them of who the big dog was. Baylor is starting to get more attention at the national level, but has to deal with Oklahoma to keep the dream alive.

15. Oklahoma State (defeated Iowa State 58-27) – The defense that made Oklahoma State an early favorite in the Big XII took a bit of a break against the Cyclones, but the Cowboys’ potent offensive weapons finally lived up to their potential. Of course, that could be due to the fact that Iowa State still has yet to hold an opponent to a score that wouldn’t qualify as a ‘bust’ in a game of blackjack this season. Speaking of other games, the Cyclones should really try their hand at something other than football. They’ve already finished third in the state of Iowa – always tough to do when there are just two FBS programs in the state – and still have potential embarrassments awaiting at Kansas State and Oklahoma.

16. Texas A&M (defeated Vanderbilt 56-24) – Johnny Football added another chapter to his legacy in the Aggies’ win over Vandy. Manziel was briefly knocked out of Texas A&M’s loss to Auburn last week and looked like he could barely move his throwing arm by the end of the game. His participation against the Commodores was up in the air until the morning of the game. Naturally, Mr. Football passed for 305 yards and four touchdowns. Manziel should be able to get plenty of rest as breather games against UTEP and Mississippi State are up before a battle with LSU just before Thanksgiving.

17. Louisville (defeated South Florida 34-3) – Apparently, the Cardinals only struggle when the lights are on. Seeing as how most of the big games are in primetime, that isn’t a good thing. Consecutive weekday night games against Rutgers and Central Florida saw the Louisville offense struggle before they finally regained their stride against a pretty pitiful Bulls squad. Teddy Bridgewater had a day much more befitting of a guy being touted as the top QB in next spring’s draft, but you have to think that you’ll hear plenty about how he wasn’t able to shine against the only decent teams on Louisville’s light schedule.

18. Wisconsin (did not play) – Last week, we touched on the rough situation that the Badgers are stuck in. If they win out – and they likely will as only a home date vs. BYU seems like much of a test – they’ll likely be shut out of the Big Ten title game and need some outside help to grab an at-large BCS bid. Sucks for Wisky, but let’s focus on the positive? Have you ever heard Wisconsin’s ‘Fifth Quarter’? We’re usually not much for discussing marching bands around here, but you know that the band has to be good when most of the stadium sticks around for a mini concert after every home game. So long as you’ve smuggled in enough liquor to keep you warm as these Big Ten contests get chilly, the Marching Badgers (we’re not taking the time to look up their proper name) will take away some of the disappointment of the season.

19. UCLA (lost to No. 2 Oregon 42-14) – The Bruins had to be feeling pretty good about themselves when they battled Oregon to a 14-14 tie in the first half and allowed just one more touchdown in the third quarter… It’s too bad that fourth quarter had to be played as well. For those doubting the Oregon defense, last week was a good example of how underrated the Ducks are. Brett Hundley makes just about every draft analyst’s list as a top-5 quarterback. Hundley completed 13 of his 19 throws, but a solid pass rush kept those throws coming out early and sound tackling of receivers held Hundley to just 64 passing yards. Allowing just over three yards per completed pass is unheard of – even against horrible quarterbacks.

20. Texas Tech (lost to No. 18 Oklahoma 38-30) – After two straight weeks of toying around a bit too much with outmanned opponents, the Red Raiders faced an equally talented Oklahoma squad and finally got burned. Texas Tech didn’t play a bad game, but wasn’t able to find the big play once it fell behind. The Raiders now go from top-10 caliber to a must-win situation in the span of a week. One-loss Oklahoma State is up this week and the loser will fall out of contention for both the Big XII title and an at-large BCS bid.

21. Halloween Parties (defeating modern standards of modest female fashion) – For those of us in that sweet 18-30 demographic, Halloween has to be the best holiday. Us 18-30ers are too old to get good Christmas and birthday presents without having the same burden of expectation placed upon us when it comes time to give the same. Still, most of us have a good bit of free time on our hands so long as kids aren’t part of the equation yet. That makes Halloween the sweet spot of holidays. There are no formal family get-togethers or obligations to worry about. You’re free to have as much fun as you want and spend as much (or as little) on a costume as you want. Plus, what other day of the year can you see so many women in the same young demographic putting on their best Playboy audition and not have to feel even slightly bad about it?

22. Central Florida (defeated Connecticut 62-17) – Whatever speech George O’Leary uses to get his team to avoid a letdown week, he should bottle it up and sell it for millions. The Knights recorded one of their biggest wins in program history when they upset Louisville in the final minute, on primetime television, two weeks ago to destroy the Cardinals hopes of reaching the national championship game. It would have been understandable if UCF wasn’t quite running at full strength after leaving it all out there against Louisville. Instead, the Knights started strong and never let up, beating the ever-loving crap out of the Huskies.

23. Northern Illinois (defeated Eastern Michigan 59-20) – We love underdogs here at the USELESS Poll. In previous seasons, it was easy to give plenty of love to schools like Boise State since they regularly had wins over good BCS conference schools and normally had at least a couple of decent teams on their conference schedule. Northern Illinois simply doesn’t have any of that going for it. Not only did the Huskies dispatch a directional Michigan school last week – they took on the absolute worst of the directional Michigans. We’re not sure why EMU hasn’t just decided to pack it in on this whole football idea. According to the latest Sagaring ratings, any of the schools that have made the jump to FBS over the last decade – including those who are new this year and current FCS schools who will be transitioning into FBS next year – would be favored to win over the Eagles. You almost have to try to be that consistently bad.

24. South Carolina (defeated No. 8 Missouri 27-24) – There is no team in America that takes ‘playing to the level of your opponent’ as serious as South Carolina. The Gamecocks have the talent to turn up the dial and beat any team in the nation on any given night. At the same time, Carolina can make a game against even the most outgunned team look like a monumental struggle. This weekend features a game against Mississippi State that should be a breeze. But if tradition holds, Gamecock fans should be holding their breath and hope that their team gets off to a good enough start so that things aren’t close at the end. All of that said, the rest of the SEC East has to be loving Carolina for keeping Missouri from running away with the division. Perhaps some good karma is due to Columbia.

25. Michigan State (defeated Illinois 42-3) – If not for Notre Dame’s best defensive effort of the season, Michigan State could be an undefeated team threatening to crack the top-10. The Spartans seem to have all the makings of a surprise BCS team coming from a power conference. MSU had a good amount of talent to start the season, but an anemic offense kept it out of the spotlight as other schools lit up overmatched teams. The defense has been solid all season and – now that the offense has found its stride – the Spartans are a team that no one wants to see on their schedule. Next up for Sparty is a date with Michigan in their biggest rivalry. A loss will kill the last month’s worth of momentum, but a win will have the entire country taking notice.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Michigan, Ole Miss, Arizona State

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Notre Dame, Virginia Tech, Texas

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.