USELESS Poll: Week 5

Welcome to this week’s edition of the USELESS Poll. Just by looking at its name (Undermining Statistical Excellence to Legitimize Entirely Subjective Suppositions), you can already tell that this ranking system is at least as good as graduate assistants filling out the weekly coaches poll and far superior to entrusting our national championship matchups to our computer overlords.

The official BCS rankings don’t come out for another couple of weeks, but this is about the time of year where  we can really start to get a good idea about which teams began the year overrated or underrated and which teams seem to be the real contenders for a national title. For the most part, the top of the rankings have remained the same. Alabama is winner-and-still-champion while Oregon in entrenched in the No. 2 spot, shivering in the corner like a meth addict in withdrawal since it’s been five whole days since it was allowed to score 70 points against someone.

For the most part, there hasn’t been a ton of movement anywhere in the USELESS Poll. A few teams have fought their way into the rankings while a few others have played their way out. Things should start to shake up this week as more and more games between ranked teams will start to pop up on the schedule.

So buckle up and brace yourselves. The season is about to hit high gear.

1. Alabama (defeated Ole Miss 25-0) – Many people will point to the Crimson Tide’s absolute dismantling of Mississippi as proof of just how ‘on another level’ Alabama is. While we don’t necessarily disagree with Bama being incredibly good, we do take some issue. Alabama is only on that ‘next level’ when one assumes – as many do – that the SEC is infallible and that even the lesser teams of the conference would run the table in any other league. Alabama, Texas A&M, LSU and Georgia would probably be favored in most other conferences… But the bottom half of the SEC would be the bottom half of just about any other conference in the FBS. The Rebels aren’t horrible, but they aren’t great either. The fact that they’ll lose 3-4 games to good SEC teams doesn’t mean they win any other conference. They’d just lose to a different good group of teams in their new home.

2. Oregon (defeated Cal 55-16) – What a courageous effort by the Golden Bears of Cal to hold the Ducks to their lowest point total of the season. If only the Bears could have managed just another six touchdowns, they would have had a fighting chance. Speaking of scoring touchdowns against Oregon, Cal deserves another gold star on its resume. The Bears’ 16 points is the most anyone has scored on the Ducks so far this season. Considering that all of their early season blowouts have led to the second string playing just as many minutes as the starters, the fact that the Ducks are allowing just 10.8 points per game is pretty impressive.

3. Clemson (defeated Wake Forest 56-7) – While N.C. State is certainly a more formidable opponent than Wake Forest, Clemson would have been much better off if it had given the same level of effort against the Wolfpack on national television two weeks ago as they did against the Demon Deacons last week. On a brighter note, Tajh Boyd has accounted for 13 total touchdowns so far this season against zero turnovers, making us look great so far for picking him as our dark horse Heisman winner. Regardless of how impressive (or not) Clemson is throughout the season, the Tigers are right where they need to be. No matter how many times Clemson tries to pull a Clemson, they’ll be a near lock for the national title game if they can just manage to stay undefeated.

4. Ohio State (defeated Wisconsin 31-24) – The Buckeyes cleared a huge hurdle with their win over Wisconsin last week. Not only were the Badgers ranked in some polls, but they certainly posed a tougher test that the not-such-a-gauntlet of Buffalo, San Diego State, Cal and Florida A&M that made up the first four games of OSU’s schedule. Braxton Miller will probably still need a few weeks to get back to full strength. Northwestern poses another tough test – and a road test, at that – this weekend, but if the Buckeyes can get past this week, they’ll be a 10-plus point favorite in every game but one leading up to the season finale against Michigan.

5. Louisville (did not play) – With the Cardinals on a bye week, here are the games that the honest-to-God, totally-sending-its-champ-to-a-BCS-bowl Zombie Big East ran out on the field last weekend: Miami at South Florida, South Carolina at Central Florida, SMU at TCU, Connecticut at Buffalo, Houston at Texas-San Antonio, and Temple at Idaho. Only two teams in that mess have ever even been to a BCS bowl game and neither is a current member of the ZBE. We don’t doubt that Louisville is a legitimate national power and a threat to take down anyone, but the Cardinals had better make good on their chance this season. Once the four-team playoff starts, it will take a lot more than wins against periphery Florida-based schools to get into the national spotlight.

6. Stanford (defeated Washington State 55-17) – Over the last three or so years, Stanford has proven that it can be a tough guy that succeeds amongst a Pac-12 crowd that was widely known for having far more style than substance. The Cardinal hung on to that persona through the first month of the season, but showed that it can be as flashy and ruthless as anyone last week. The Pac-12 is no longer a conference full of shootouts where anything can happen. Oregon and Stanford are just biding their time until they provide each other with their only real regular season challenge.

7. Texas A&M (defeated SMU 42-13) – There are plenty of struggling programs out their which would gladly take a preseason guarantee of four wins. It’s all but certain that the Aggies will notch four victories over fellow Texas schools alone. To be honest, some of us here at the USELESS Poll didn’t have high expectations for Johnny Football and Texas A&M this season. Not only do most returning Heisman winners fall flat in their repeat bid, but most do so without having to deal with the consequences of acting like an idiotic drunken asshole with literally the entire sports media breathing down their throat. Honestly, if Mr. Football can make it through the entire season without pulling a Joe Kane and ending up in rehab, that’s a pretty decent encore performance.

8. Georgia (defeated No. 8 LSU 44-41) – As has been noted plenty of times previously in this poll, playground law reigns supreme. Georgia and LSU were both good teams entering last week. LSU had the better ranking. The Bulldogs walked away with a win, thus, they also move into the Tigers’ previous ranking. Georgia didn’t escape its rough early season schedule totally unscathed, but it did manage to win the most important games as far as SEC/national title hopes are concerned. Since the SEC East is comprised of UGA, South Carolina (which was beaten by the Bulldogs), Florida’s defense, and a sack of magic beans, the Bulldogs’ only real hurdle remaining to reach the SEC title game is their showdown with the Gators.

9. Florida State (defeated Boston College 48-34) – The brilliance of Jameis Winston continues. FSU’s redshirt freshman continued to dazzle, throwing for 325 yards and four touchdowns. The ‘Noles gave up more points than many of their fans would like, but that’s acceptable when you have an ace like Winston hiding up your sleeve. The best part about supremely talented young guys like Winston are that they’re too young and inexperienced to know when to feel pressure and get overwhelmed. Florida State probably doesn’t have the raw talent of Clemson, but Winston might just pick that showdown to have a breakout game.

10. UCLA (did not play) – Rick Neuheisel wasn’t around long enough to see it, but his words upon taking the UCLA job have finally come true. The football dynasty in Los Angeles has officially ended for Southern Cal. A couple of good seasons and a great start to 2013 can’t quite qualify the Bruins as a dynasty yet, but after Lane Kiffen’s firing this week, UCLA is certainly closer to college football prominence than its cross-town rival. The Bruins have a chance to fatten up over the next two weeks, but then face the unenviable task of travelling to Stanford and Oregon in consecutive weeks.

11. Miami (FL) (defeated South Florida 49-21) – The Hurricanes looked pretty solid last week as they blew right past South Florida. The Canes have a big showdown with Georgia Tech this week, with the winner figuring to have a big advantage in the ACC Coastal race. But what is up with South Florida? How are you ‘SOUTH’ Florida when you’re in Tampa and there are a handful of other major Florida universities well south of your location? And remember that year when South Florida somehow got up to No. 2 in the polls despite not having any NFL talent? The world is weird sometimes.

12. Oklahoma (defeated No. 22 Notre Dame 35-21) – Oklahoma has done a complete 180 in terms of how it’s being perceived by the masses. For nearly a decade, the Sooners have almost always started seasons with a top-10 ranking, high expectations for winning the Big XII, and whispers of a possible national title run. In every one of those instances, they’ve failed – usually without ever coming close to their goals. This time around, Oklahoma started off without much buzz. Throw in another win or two and a few more good starts from Blake Bell and the spotlight will be back on Norman soon enough.

13. LSU (lost to No. 9 Georgia 44-41) – The Bayou Bengals dropped a tough one to Georgia last week, but there’s still plenty to play for. Unfortunately for the Tigers, they’re one of the only SEC teams looking to be title threats who actually have a challenging schedule laying ahead. LSU still controls its own destiny as far as getting to the SEC title game is concerned, but also has future dates with both Alabama and Texas A&M. The sad part for the Tigers is that if they don’t run the table, they’ll have to start the search for another competent quarterback who can make them a national contender all over again next season.

14. Northwestern (did not play) – The Wildcats spent a week resting up and getting healthy for a game that – if they win – would be one of the biggest in school history. Kain Colter and Venric Mark were both roughed up in Northwestern’s opener, but appear to be good to go against Ohio State. For the longest time, Northwestern has had plenty of whiny sports pundits (See: Wilbon, Greenberg), but no decent sports teams to go with them. The Wildcats are still the only major conference team whose basketball team has never gone to the NCAA tournament. If the Wildcats pull off a stunner this week, they’ll finally grab a piece of that national media love that has been so elusive.

15. South Carolina (defeated Central Florida 28-25) – The Gamecocks deserve a bit of a break for last week. Not only is Central Florida far from a cupcake team on the schedule, but South Carolina made the trip down to Orlando. Rarer still, the Gamecocks made their non-conference road trip just as SEC play is going full tilt. Now for the bad news… South Carolina has yet to look impressive or dominant this season. Honestly, the game in which they showcased the most talent and explosiveness was in their loss to Georgia. When you enter a season with whispers of a national title run and a Heisman hopeful, then nearly choke up a lead to an unranked, just-barely BCS school, you’ve got some issues on your hands.

16. The new MLB Wild Card format (defeating the old system) – Most people are only looking at the negative side of the one-game wild card playoff. Sure, anything can happen in a one-off game and being done after one day in the postseason is pretty rough after battling for 162 games, but we choose to look at how this setup positively impacts the game. First off, this new design gives division winners more credit and a bigger advantage for, you know, actually winning their division. Before 2012, the only real advantage that the best team in MLB had over a wild card squad was one extra home game if the series went the distance. Now, the division winners are spared the immediate drama of a do-or-die game and will probably have their starting pitching lined up better going into their first series. The winning wild card team won’t be buried because of having to play one extra game, but it will be at a decided disadvantage every year. That’s exactly how it needs to be for a team that was good, but not quite good enough to be the best in its division.

17. Washington (defeated Arizona 31-13) – The Huskies continued to make waves last week, easily dispatching Arizona in their Pac-12 opener. Now the real test comes. Stanford lost its chance at a perfect season due to an upset win by Washington last season. The Cardinal have been telling anyone and everyone that last year means nothing and that this week is just another game… therefore reassuring us that Stanford has had this game circled on the calendar since the preseason and is chomping at the bit to get some revenge. Washington is definitely a team on the upswing, but it’s going to take the Huskies’ best shot to take down the Cardinal in their house.

18. Baylor (did not play) – Here’s how impressive the Bears have been so far. Baylor is currently sixth among all FBS teams in points scored this season. Of course, the Bears spent last week at home and all of the teams ahead of them on the scoring list have played one more game than Baylor. That trend could easily continue this week as West Virginia steps up to try and become the first team to hold Baylor under nine touchdowns in a game. The Mountaineers notched one of the biggest upsets of the year last week with a win over Oklahoma State, but that is the only thing even approaching a good effort from West Virginia so far.

19. Texas Tech (did not play) – It seems as if the biggest trend in sports these days is to bring in a coach that isn’t too far removed from his playing days. It’s working in baseball with guys like Mike Matheny and Cliff Kingsberry seems to be college football’s answer to the youth movement. Kingsberry’s 5,000 yard arm from his quarterbacking days with the Red Raiders has – so far – translated seamlessly into his first head coaching stint. The entire nation saw how crazy Lubbock can get back when Michael Crabtree and company cracked the top-5 a few years back. With a relatively easy run to begin its Big XII slate, Texas Tech has a good shot at being undefeated when it hits back-to-back games against the Oklahoma teams beginning Oct. 26.

20. Florida (defeated Kentucky 24-7) – So far, so good for the Tyler Murphy era in Gainesville. Pressed into command of Florida’s consistently inconsistent offense, Murphy was surprisingly efficient. He connected on 15 of his 18 passes – albeit for just over 150 yards and with an interception – and never put the Florida defense in a bad situation. In most years, that kind of play would be enough to make the Gators a legitimate threat to win the conference title. Problem is, Florida didn’t get the note that we’re playing offense in the SEC this season and defense is optional. Florida’s defense will continue to dominate lesser teams, but the offense doesn’t have a chance of hanging with teams like LSU and Georgia.

21. Fresno State (defeated Hawaii 42-37) – If you’re going to live in the college football wasteland of post-conference realignment Mountain West action, at least you know you’ll get a trip out to Hawaii every other year. Better still, the Warriors have been struggling badly the last few years, so there is a bit more time to enjoy yourself while out on the islands. Each week, we take a look at what remains on the schedule for the Bulldogs. Each week, we forget just how easy the road is. At least the potential conference championship game between Fresno and Utah State would be a good one.

22. Arizona State (defeated USC 62-41) – While USC badly underperformed last season, the Trojans still kept most games close and never looked like the total shell of their former selves like this year’s squad. Washington State let out some decade-long built up frustration early this season with a tight win, but the Sun Devils were the first Pac-12 team to really vent the anger from the USC glory years, scoring at will and getting Lane Kiffin fired last week. The task gets tougher this week as Arizona State heads to Jerry World to take on Notre Dame, but the Devils’ fast-paced offense seems to be something that the already-struggling Irish defense had plenty of trouble getting the hang of.

23. Oklahoma State (lost to West Virginia 30-21) – There have been a few top-10 teams that have lost this season, but all had done so at the hands of similarly ranked teams up until the Cowboys laid an egg in Morgantown last week. Turnovers crippled Okie State and, while they made a valiant comeback attempt, one final interception put the nail in the coffin of the first big upset of the season. The most impressive part of that upset was that Mountaineer students wasted no time in getting those couches burning. With this bad WVU team and in this tough economy, who has the extra cash and foresight to buy extra furniture in expectation of upset victories?

24. The Ole Miss Gay-Straight Alliance (defeating bigotry) – Look, everybody. A satirical college football poll is about the last place anything political should show up, but we here at the USELESS Poll couldn’t stand idly by and not bring up this week’s news from Oxford. Evidently, about 20 Ole Miss players were required to attend a play – which just happened to be about equality and acceptance for homosexuals – and couldn’t help but start heckling the actors with hate speech. That’s beyond stupid, but we aren’t going to get too high on our soapbox seeing as how no amount of lecturing would get through to any group of people that ignorant. Suffice to say, given the relative proximity of the two schools and the rates of homosexuality in America, it’s safe to assume that gay kids from Ole Miss have scored on guys from Alabama a hell of a lot more than the Rebels have this season. *drops rainbow-colored, overly-sequined, absolutely FABULOUS mic*

25. Maryland (did not play) – Thanks to a few ranked teams from last week dropping games, the Terrapins manage to idle their way into the poll and we can once again fear the turtle. Unfortunately for Maryland, this stay might be short lived. The Terps must make the trip down to Tallahassee this weekend to take on Florida State in an ACC Atlantic Division showdown. Then again, it’s not like the Seminoles are invincible. N.C. State knocked off Free Shoe U last season and Maryland certainly seems to be a more formidable opponent than the 2012 Wolfpack was.

Teams that probably are Top-25, but I ran out of good jokes: Michigan, Northern Illinois

Teams that are good, but not quite good enough:  Virginia Tech, Wisconsin, Central Florida

I enjoy making this poll every week, but it’s time consuming and I can’t always catch all of the unique storylines that are vital to the unique weighting of my rankings. If you have something (dirt on a player, pictures of cheerleaders, valuable betting information, etc.) that you think should affect a team’s ranking, feel free to bring it up in the comments section.